30-Somethings - Had to Vent, Put up or Shut up...




View Full Version : Had to Vent, Put up or Shut up...


WVU Jenn
02-18-2009, 03:40 PM
So its been a pretty devastating couple of days for me..:(..right now I am home with a really bad cold that is messing with my asthma, so taking my breathing treatments....still tracking my points on the daily plate, and thankfully my friend brought me some home made beef veg barley soup, so that hit the spot.:hug:

BUT my vent is about a recent X-friend.....I happened to discover an email she had wrote, ABOUT me (not to me).......it was hideous.....we have always been very different, she shops for clothes about every day, has brand name purses and eats out almost every day....Im a more homebody, love to cook, and my shopping for clothes is on an as needed basis at Kmart, Target if Im feeling spunky, LOL;)

ANYWHO.....in the email she talked about how if I was so upset with my weight that I should "put up or shut up" .....that people should spend less time "wanting to be other people" and work at being better.....and that she tried to get me to walk with her on numerous occasions and i always had an excuse (which would mainly be embarassment, asthma, or sickness)....now I approached her with the issue of, "so you really think Im this lazy overweight chick who wont do anything about her current weight" and she just replies matter of factly, "well, yes".....to which I replied "well for future reference when you have a friend you think has problems you need to tell her that"..she said she was sorry that she didnt come to me but sh*t happens essentially and if I needed to talk she was there..and I said I no longer wished to have contact with her b/c she hurt me deeply. :(

Now while I feel utterly hurt and betrayed, I am even more determined to meet my goals to show people that I can do it, that I am a better person than that, and have better people around me to help me (like the person that made me the soup) than a girl that would talk behind my back about my faults. Oh and BTW while the bad friend was talking about my 'put up or shut up' problems, I have been actively choosing better foods, tracking calories on daily plate, and working on getting exercise in with my DH and my dog, but didnt tell other people that for fear of failure....

So I just wanted to get that out, and say that I am in this for the long haul, and NOTHING is going to keep my from my goal, not sickness, hurt, stress, NOTHING. AND anyone here that needs an ear or a shoulder to cry on, or that has something to add or advice or an opinion to give, I AM HERE WITH OPEN ARMS AND OPEN EARS. Thanks for listening.


GeorgiaLady
02-18-2009, 03:46 PM
Do it for YOU...not anybody else...You don't have to impress anyone. A real friend will care about you no matter what and they won't talk behind your back. You've got lots of friends and lots of support here!!!

Thighs Be Gone
02-18-2009, 03:57 PM
You know why she writes about your problems? It keeps her from facing her own. This is all about you. It's personal, it's private and you don't owe her anything.


beerab
02-18-2009, 04:08 PM
Screw her- good for you to be working hard as you are. And I agree- she'll see in the end when you look great. She just doesn't understand cuz she's one of the "lucky" ones who gets to eat out daily and not get fat.

I'd rather be a nice morbidly obese person than a skinny b*tch anyday.

Good for you for cutting off the "friendship" no friend talks like that anyways.

daydreamer
02-18-2009, 04:14 PM
Sorry to hear you're under the weather. My kids are all sick, but my almost 7 year old has asthma, so I understand how bad a simple cold can be for you.

As for the ex-friend..... karma will catch up with her at some point. Lose the weight and change your life for YOU, not to prove anything to anyone. YOU are the only one that matters in this.

Tina30
02-18-2009, 04:14 PM
I agree with all the other gals...do this for yourself! Life is way to short to have people around who make you feel bad, cut her out of your life and focus on you! I have a child who has breathing problems along with many family members and working out is very hard when it feel like a 15 ton block is on your chest. Keep going though girl...don't let her rudeness take up on more second of your time:)

Thighs Be Gone
02-18-2009, 04:15 PM
I'd rather be a nice morbidly obese person than a skinny b*tch anyday.

Good for you for cutting off the "friendship" no friend talks like that anyways.



Yes, YES, and a resounding YES!

Lori Bell
02-18-2009, 04:24 PM
I've had "friends" like that. Funnily they are also the first to trash talk about you when you do lose weight and look fab. Then they decide it's only from disordered eating or pills or something. So not worth it. Best to cut ties and move onto healthy relationships. (They are hard to find!)

rileyozzy
02-18-2009, 08:11 PM
I agree with Thighs be gone...she must have some sort of issue if she is focused on your problems. Usually people who talk/gossip about others have some real problems that they are not addressing.

kaebea
02-18-2009, 09:42 PM
Hi Jenn,
i know you've been making changes from reading your posts, so i'm almost just as shocked as you at reading your xfriends email! what does she know???

bottom line is we don't know what it's like to be someone else. What comes easy for one person may not for another and we all have our own obstacles. We can only make changes when we are ready, no matter what someone else thinks we should do.

I love it when someone else thinks they know how to solve all our problems.
:P

WVU Jenn
02-19-2009, 01:39 PM
I just want to say I LOVE YOU GALS! :hug:
And that's not just the cold medicine talkin'! :^: Thank you all so much for your words of encouragement and letting me vent, its like having a roomful of best friends to share with! :D

SamanthaJubilee
02-19-2009, 01:44 PM
Jealousy is a disease!!!! I deal with it daily.

The one thing I try to keep in mind is that I can't change anyone else, I can only change myself and how I look at life. I am slowly weeding out all the **** talkers & stupid drama queens & adding in great people.

Don't let what she said put you down. Use that anger in a positive way & focus on your efforts!

I'm happy you were able to confront her & get that out in the open.

meredithann
02-20-2009, 10:22 AM
Jenn,
I totally agree that no "friend" would say that about you and be a friend...Doing what you are doing is HARD, and you need support, not b**chiness! But isn't it funny how anger is a motivator?? I could see myself getting so mad that I would lose weight just to spite her!

I think you are doing a great job! Keep up the good work, and I really hope you are feeling better soon...I know how athsma works with the change of seasons, at least for my son. If the weather is changing, then he is hacking and wheezing!

looloo86
02-21-2009, 09:55 AM
just one word
B**CH

kaplods
02-21-2009, 02:11 PM
I wouldn't even give a second thought to trying to prove anything to her or people like her in your life. I know you want to rub her face in it, but the fact is someone that shallow and self-centered is not going to "get the point." She's likely going to be completely unimpressed or somehow think that her nasty email inspired you to "finally do something," and feel that she is due partial credit for your success.

Forget that kind of negativity in your life as soon as you can. It says nothing about you, and everything about them. People who are truly working on their own issues generally don't waste their time griping about someone elses. Life is not an exam, and there aren't time limits of success.

I know that "I'll show them," can be a powerful motivator, but it also is a stressful one, because it often stirs up the negative emotions that inspired it. In a sense to keep the motivation, you've got to stir up the negative feelings that inspired it - remembering the pain of that letter and how much you were hurt by it. You don't need that in your life.

You can do this, and how long it takes doesn't matter. Find your own pace, the one that is best for you, and don't let anyone slow or quicken that pace. You deserve to do this at the pace that is healthiest for you physically and mentally (and the heck with anyone who says otherwise).

bindersbee
02-21-2009, 05:40 PM
This is totally disfunctional of me but whatever motivates you. My healthy place says "tell her to just do this for herself, no one else". Then that little, small place inside me says to tell you "get out there and prove her wrong. Her lifestyle WILL catch up with her then YOU'LL be the one looking fab". Listen to my healthy place even though sometimes the 'in your face' kind of motivation can get you started, it will never sustain you. Belief in yourself will.

Windchime
02-21-2009, 05:46 PM
I know that "I'll show them," can be a powerful motivator, but it also is a stressful one, because it often stirs up the negative emotions that inspired it. In a sense to keep the motivation, you've got to stir up the negative feelings that inspired it - remembering the pain of that letter and how much you were hurt by it. You don't need that in your life.



Wow, this is a really good point. It is tempting to use this kind of an incident as an "I'll show THEM!" type of motivation, but if we have to recall the hurt and upset that we felt when the incident occurred, that's not positive motivation! Best to just keep on track with positive thoughts of good health, well being, and the cute jeans we'll be wearing!

badbaum
02-22-2009, 10:53 AM
I know that "I'll show them," can be a powerful motivator, but it also is a stressful one, because it often stirs up the negative emotions that inspired it. In a sense to keep the motivation, you've got to stir up the negative feelings that inspired it - remembering the pain of that letter and how much you were hurt by it. You don't need that in your life.

I agree. I have done this before, think I have something to prove, and then when the inevitable slip up or bad day happens, I am 10,000 times harder on myself. Even now, my nutritionist asked me why I wanted to lose weight, and I had to really think for a second. I am still thinking.

In any case, I have learned that my closest friends are the ones I attracted when I was really being me. Friendships develop for different reasons, but the ones that stick are the ones who you can be yourself. If she doesn't like you for you, then we all know where she can go.

I also want to comment on how you aren't telling other people for fear of failure. I do the same thing. In a way, I think it is a good thing, so that way you are doing something for yourself and not for the approval of others. In another way, I am not so sure... hmmm. :?:

WVU Jenn
02-24-2009, 10:11 AM
:hug: Thanks again for all your thoughts......the not telling anyone is a conundrum for me......I get scared that if I tell people that I am dieting and they dont see an instant improvement, they'll talk .....but as most of you say, friends DONT talk......most times on diets I didnt really announce to the world, people just noticed one day I was looking better and healthier, and it motivated me to keep it up......so for now I think Ill still keep it on the down low....Ive told 2 of my close friends, parents and of course DH who is more on board with me this time around than ever.....:D

WVUFan86
02-24-2009, 10:13 AM
I haven't gotten a chance to read everything and I will go back and do so as soon as I get a chance, but I saw your sn and had to say goooo WVU! woot :)

Jacquie668
02-24-2009, 02:44 PM
I think people are generally either open or closed about their weight loss. I'm an open person. **** I'll sit down and have a pow-pow with you and discuss weight, healthy eating, and my own journey. For some reason I don't care what the world thinks of me in that respect. I think my being open actually helps the people around me not feel uncomfortable. They feel like they can relax and not fuss over silly things. If they have something to say, they can say it to me if they would like. I welcome comments, even negative ones.

Saying that I would never put my feelings toward weight loss or myself onto other people, especially my friends. I think your ex-friend has a few issues and to be frank, I think she clearly did not appreciate or respect you as a person. It is good that you found this out and have made changes so that you can focus on you and not what some misinformed woman feels. I find it irritating when people assume that everyone who has weight issues are "lazy." I think those people are ignorant and just plain rude and it shows a lack of respect and character on their part.

I will say though that one day you might change your mind about not having contact with your friend. People do make mistakes. Perhaps this will be motivation for your ex-friend to become more educated on health issues and weight loss.

Don't change your life for other people. Change your life for you. The rest of it is just icing on the cake. And don't we all love cake? :)