100 lb. Club - really weird stuff coming up....




View Full Version : really weird stuff coming up....


iminhere
02-13-2009, 05:11 PM
I grew up in a pretty bad place. my step father was extremely violent and unpredictable. in addition to beatings (black and blue, bloody face type beatings), we suffered weird punishments, like being locked up in dark rooms for hours, standing in the corner with our hands on our heads for hours...you get the idea.

alot of MY punishments seemed to be about food. for example, one time he said I was acting like a baby (I was 7) so I had to eat baby food for a week or so. not the good kind either. I hated liver (still do) which was regular fare around our house, so I had to eat liver baby food quite alot.(why would they even MAKE such an atrocity?)

one time I turned in a bunch of pop bottles and bought some chips and snacks with the money. I hid the stuff for my brother and I to share later. THEY saw the bottles gone (they were my bottles...I collected them) and asked where the money was and I told some lie....eventually had to come clean...and in addition to the "spanking" and punishment, I had to sit there (hungry) while they ate my stuff.

when they (parents) would go out my brother and I would head straight for the kitchen and eat anything that we could get away with. we had to leave things so that they couldn't tell we had been in there. we ate mayo sandwiches...bread with margarine and sugar, bouillion cubes....bits of leftovers. stuff that wouldn't be noticed.

along with his personality issues came a pretty bad work ethic, so we were poor. always getting evicted (those days they kept your stuff) stayed in and ate in shelters sometimes...

I don't wonder why I have food issues......:dizzy:

the other day I went to Fred Meyers and they had meat on sale (I'm on Stillmans) so I bought a bunch of staeks, chicken etc.

while I was separating and wrapping servings and putting them in the freezer, I looked at the contents of the freezer and got scared. I felt as though I had to eat it all or something bad would happen? I didn't, of course, but I thought to myself, "what a weird reaction to have"...

I think I may have been having this reaction all along, but didn't recognise it, I just acted on it.....

so...I just told myself that I saved a bunch of money and would have my plan food for a long time.....but it took a long time, even after leaving the kitchen, for that weird feeling to stop haunting me....


ANewLife4Me
02-13-2009, 05:25 PM
I think it's incredible that you are to the point of feeling like you can share with us what was obviously very painful. Just remember as you are feeling these things that people are here for you. Maybe if you are more inclined to talk about it, you'll feel less like acting on it. Hang in there!

RMatS
02-13-2009, 05:29 PM
Wow. I admire you for having the courage to tell us that, and I think if an unhealthy relationship with food is your worst demon, then you've done really well for yourself. I think hoarding food would be a natural tendancy, and although it gets better with time, it probably never goes away. Maybe part of the solution is to keep your shelves stocked with healthy food, and keep reminding yourself that it's yours to keep and control however you choose. I suppose the desire to eat it comes from the feeling of no control, so maybe eating it intelligently is the ultimate way of knowing that you're in control now and forever.

Good luck, and I hope both of them are out of your life for good.


iminhere
02-13-2009, 05:42 PM
thank you..it WAS painful...but of course, at the time, I didn't know anything else.

they ARE out of my life.....absolutely.....I left home at 16 or 17.

yea I think the stepping back and reminding myself that I had plan food for a long time was reminding myself that I am in control.....but gosh, that was so weird....that reaction came from such a deep place....I can't even describe it. I remember very little of my childhood...just snippets.... so these emotional reactions seem almost foreign in a way.

I guess they are coming up now because I am facing so many issues right now, by losing the weght, and taking control of my life in other ways as well.

Sandi
02-13-2009, 05:48 PM
:hug:

famograham
02-13-2009, 06:02 PM
Wow...
Reading this story, I honestly think that your reaction, and your feelings about food are completely natural! :hug:

I had, in a small way, a sort of similar experience. Except that my dad would do crazy, abusive things to my sister, who was his step daughter. In our house, it wasn't so much physical violence (I'm SO sorry for what you've been through!) as mental abuse, screaming, punching holes in walls kind of stuff.
I watched the way he treated her, and I guess my little brain decided that if I ate everything (he flipped out over food stuff too) then maybe daddy wouldn't get mad at me too.

Thankfully, my dad died when I was 7, but obviously the damage had already been done or I wouldn't be here. (Side note- my sister is a size 00 and controls things by NOT eating)

You're very brave to be facing this stuff now, and I'm so proud of you. You're doing a wonderful job of taking care of that little girl (you) now.
I agree that setting your place up with lots of healthy foods could possibly help to quell that feeling, but again, I think that you're having the absolute most natural reaction to the abuse you have suffered.

TONS of love,
:hug: :cheer3:
Linda

rockinrobin
02-13-2009, 06:08 PM
You are remarkable.

I have read your posts recently and found your attitude and determination to be amazing and quite refreshing, and that was before I read of your very painful childhood. Now that I've read of it, I am that much more in awe of you.


You are remarkable. And strong. And I admire you greatly. Any and all food issues that you face are more then understandable. May you continue to have the strength to work through them. :hug: :hug: :hug:

Lori259
02-13-2009, 06:19 PM
I am very proud of you... I was Abused as a child (beatings) But My husband was severely starved and mistreated by his mother....He has a different reaction~He goes days without eating...Thinking Our kids will not have any food or something~and we always have plenty.It hurts to tell these types of things But Its a part Of the healing process....You will reach your goal~I am sure~You have been through alot and You have the will power to suceed...Or you would still be a part of the abusers But you got away from them !!!
AGAIN I AM SOOOOOOOOOO PROUD OF YOU.
Good Luck On your weight loss journey~And Message me anytime you need a friend.

beerab
02-13-2009, 07:39 PM
I'm so sorry you dealt with that growing up :(

Man how crazy you collected bottles and he got mad that you spent what like maybe $5 to buy some stuff?

My father was very abusive and since I stopped talking to him 4 years ago my life has been so much better.

futuresurferchick
02-13-2009, 07:55 PM
Wow, you have overcome so much and are doing so well. Thanks for sharing your story.. you never know who might be reading it and get inspiration from the way you have overcome this situation.

iminhere
02-13-2009, 07:57 PM
thanks beerab...it wasn't the bottles so much...he was crazy so you really never knew what would set him off.:dizzy: after I left home I really had no reason to talk to him, so I didn't.

thanks Lori.....ya know that offer goes both ways! ;) :hug:

you guys...! Robin Linda....yer makin me blush!!:o we all deal with what we get handed....some of us are lucky to find a few role models along the way to make up for what was lacking. I was lucky in that respect. the bottom line FOR ME, is to deal with this head-on, otherwise it's like I am allowing the abuse to continue, by having the same old reactions. does that make sense? anyway...thanks you guys!!:hug::hug:

thanks Sandi!! thanks FutSurChick!! I really wanted to share that and I know that the people on here all have their own reasons for needing to be here so I knew you all would "get it". :hug:

haleysmommy5402
02-13-2009, 08:06 PM
:hug: wow reading this made me want to cry NO ONE should have to live like that .. you are such a strong woman ..

Good luck w/ the rest of your weight loss journey!!

Buttercup
02-13-2009, 10:30 PM
:flow1:Wow! I know it was hard to share your story. Food felt like a reward to you later in life I am sure. That's how I feel about it. I agree with everyone else that your are strong and will succeed no matter what!Stay positive! You made it through the storm!

MaddiesMom
02-13-2009, 10:53 PM
You are so brave to tell your story. I had something similar. My father was a manic depressive (refused to take medication) and he had to control everything. He put locks on the fridge and cabinets, and if we wanted something to eat, we had to ask for it. Most of the time, he said no. My growing brothers at times ate dog food because they were so hungry and my father left the house for the afternoon. He would take the keys to the fridge and cabinets with him, or lock them in his room. It was a horrible existence...and he was constantly berating us for anything and everything (again, another way to control us emotionally).

Since that time, I find that I eat too much. I think after being in that situation for so long, you take advantage of what you can. I find that now I pack my pantry and fridge, and for some reason, seeing it full brings me comfort. It's a very strange feeling. I know what you're going through, and it takes a lot of time to get past our pasts. But, in the end, we'll be better for it.

Thanks for sharing your story...such an inspiration!

Lori259
02-13-2009, 10:55 PM
Iminhere~how Nice you are!Thanks a zillion on the return offer.
You are a terrific person.......I am so Glad you are a survivor.....They may have took away alot from you But YOU SURVIVED~YOUR STRONGER THAN THERE ABUSE WAS!I hope your brother is ok also.
May you reach your every goal in life...You deserve it!

JuliaDH
02-13-2009, 11:02 PM
:hug:

WormwoodDoll
02-13-2009, 11:37 PM
I can relate. My mother had many psychological issues...and she was anorexic. But she took a lot of it out on me. I wasn't heavy yet, but she'd portion my meals and all that. If I wanted seconds she'd say to me, "If you eat that boys will never like you". Or "You really don't need seconds". She'd constantly pick at me for my weight in reflection to her own image issues.

I too would hide treats in my room. I'd get candy while over my grandparent's and keep it in one of those square makeup boxes with the lock. When she wasn't home, I'd eat anything I could. I'd just act like my stepdad ate it.

I think things like this really contribute to our unhealthy relationship with food. I got out of my mom's house when I was 14. I gained a lot of weight and I developed the habit of emotional/binge eating. Endless nights of indulging and guilt. But now I am doing it the healthy way. It takes a lot of time. There's still days I want to go back to where I was.

But we're strong. We can do this!

iminhere
02-14-2009, 12:04 AM
thanks, Julia Haleys and Buttercup! (wutsup buttercup...I say that to my kids lol)

Maddies...what was weird is that it made me nervous to HAVE all that food in there....I dunno..I'm still pondering it. your dad sounds like a real prize......

wormwood....oh yea...the other kind of parent.....they think they are doing you a big favor by pushing their neurosis on you......yea...thanks mom!

hey Lori...well we HAVE to survive! the alternative is pretty grim. but now I'm tired of just surviving...I wanna LIVE!

unfortunately, my brother (who was older) left home at 15 and we never heard from him again.

activeadventurer
02-14-2009, 08:01 AM
I relate completely to your abusive childhood. I was starved a lot as a child and one of the effects I noticed it has had on me is that I get really frightened when ever I lose weight. I think in some way I think I am being starved again. WE will get through this!

autumns19
02-14-2009, 10:56 AM
Thank you for sharing this. I don't know what to say, because I just can't imagine that kind of pain, but it makes me happy that you are here, and you are so honest. I just want to wish you great success in your weight loss journey. I hope you continue to post here, because I really enjoy your posts. :hug:

Rosinante
02-14-2009, 11:08 AM
Big hugs and lots of admiration for people who've survived horrible childhoods.

My weight issues are mother-related too. She never said I was fat, she'd use euphemisms, 'you've popped a little bit on your calves, haven't you?' all in a hesitant tone of voice - which she still uses at 88 and I'm 53 to ask what size I am at the minute.
Result - I am totally disgusted by my body when I'm fat - it's obviously a thing I mustn't acknowledge in its fatness, it's shameful, something so awful that it must be couched in oblique language. the fat that dare not speak its name.....

She was fat as a child, and spoke of herself with repulsion, saying that I didn't want to be like her. At the same time, food was her main way of giving us kids love. None of this 'what would you like to eat, dear?' that people seem to ask their kids these days. We ate what was put in front of us. All of it or it meant we didn't love her.
Result - eating (and giving food) copiously is away of receiving or showing love BUT the natural outcome of eating too much, fatness, is something shameful to be avoided.

I keep trying to be grown up about it - at my age! - and have no problems resisting her food but the weird mental stuff seems programmed for life. It makes me feel bad that I perceive my issues are related to bad parenting but it was only bad in the result, it was meant well, when I hear others bad experiences. Maybe identifying is a way of making it go away?

cfmama
02-14-2009, 02:32 PM
So many hugs to you. So many.

A lot of my food issues are all wrapped up in my childhood. We rarely had enough food to eat and when we did have enough food, my parents ate it while we were in bed. They'd order out pizza, chinese, KFC and we'd lay there and SMELL the food but it'd be all gone by morning.

I started sneaking food at an early age and it became a comfort for me.

It's hard. But you ARE doing this and I am very proud of you :)

RN BSN 2009
02-14-2009, 03:10 PM
Wow.. I hope these evil people find themselves on the dependent side when they get older.. and nobody there to care for them.

junebug41
02-14-2009, 07:00 PM
Wow.. I hope these evil people find themselves on the dependent side when they get older.. and nobody there to care for them.

Unfortunately this ends up being the case and thus begins a whole new set of problems.

iminhere
02-14-2009, 07:23 PM
So many hugs to you. So many.



A lot of my food issues are all wrapped up in my childhood. We rarely had enough food to eat and when we did have enough food, my parents ate it while we were in bed. They'd order out pizza, chinese, KFC and we'd lay there and SMELL the food but it'd be all gone by morning.

I started sneaking food at an early age and it became a comfort for me.

It's hard. But you ARE doing this and I am very proud of you :)

:hug:


you're parents sound really weird.

I know that sounds funny coming from ME lol!

but my parents were mentally ill.... no excuse really, but their behavior was unreasonable in part because of that...

why would your parents do that....? do you have any idea?

I personally can't imagine feeding myself before my kids. most moms can't, I think....

yea...it seems that on some level that many of us feel that we are undeserving in some way because that's how we interpreted the way we were treated....

and to feel undeserving of such basics as food, shelter....etc..... can really take a toll.