100 lb. Club - Mentally defeated




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Buttercup
02-12-2009, 01:32 AM
:cry:Sorry to be a downer. I am feeling pretty crummy. Part of why I want/need to lose weight is because my huband and I have no love life. He assures me it is him (b/p meds, tired, ect) but I know deep down it is not just that. We never go anywhere together. He is supportive about my weight loss and encouraging but it hurts to know I turn him off. I saw online where he is looking at pictures of women. He has never done that before. I feel awful. And part of me feels like if you don't find me attractive now maybe I won't find you attractive when I lose this weight. There seems to be deeper issuses I need to think about. I have never voiced these things to anyone before and find comfort in being able to write it down here. Thanks for listening while I cry. I will take it out in the gym tomorrow. I will get healthy for me, not him.


iminhere
02-12-2009, 02:00 AM
poor Buttercup.....:hug:

it is never just simply a matter of losing weight like some people think....there sre almost always underlying issues.

you seem to be thinking that if you lose weight you will want something "better". that tells me that YOU are not satisfied in this marriage.

you should def. lose weight for you and noone else. it's YOUR life and YOUR body and you are the one who has to live in them, whether he's there or not.

BUT...in the mean time....while you are on your weight loss journey, you may want to consider some couples counseling. there is a lot of truth that is not being told in your house.

good luck...and I'm glad you found us! :hug:

mariamherrera
02-12-2009, 02:12 AM
I truly no how you feel.... I had caught my husband looking at inappropriate pics before too and of course it makes you feel like the ugliest woman a live! ugh... men.... they just don't get it...

I can tell you something though- skinny women beautiful women , they all have husbands who's eye wander.. as personal as it is.. try not to take it personally. I bet even if you were at goal weight he may have looked any ways.. it really is an underlying issue..

I told my husband that I would not loose weight until he learned to love me as is! for better for worse! just like our vows say! we did a lot of talking, a lot of praying, and finally learned not to hold back back any more... hearing your husband say he;s disappointed in the fact that you've gained weight is NEVER easy to hear... but the truth of it is I was disappointed in me for not taking care of myself.. for letting myself get out of control , getting lazy and getting this obese... it hurts... but when it boils down to it... he is entitled to feel that way... as hard as it is and as much as it will hurt- throw all your cards on the table... and let him too!

Tell him you understand that you let yourself go, but your working on it! Regardless of the fact that he may be disappointed in you he still has NO right to look at pictures of other women... I' m a Christan woman myself and the bible says if a man so even looks at women with desire in his eyes he's already cheated in his heart... So to me some women may be ok with their other half looking at pics or watching movies by them selves .. NOT ME! that's NOT OK in my book!

express how you feel! it will help!


recidivist
02-12-2009, 02:34 AM
I am not saying this is what is happening...this is just a reminder, that men like women and sex, and especially confident women. If your husband is not interested in you for sex any longer, is it because of him, or because of you...because maybe you have lost the confidence in yourself and your appearance to feel sexy and be sexy with him?

Women do not think the same way guys do...it doesn't take much to get a guy turned on. You may be unconsciously projecting your own feelings and expectations onto him. He may be looking at other women because you have withdrawn your real self from him, and no longer radiate with the self-confidence you had when you were thinner.

Please, don't let your lack of self-confidence undermine your marriage...and please don't try to make it your husband's problem, if in fact, it might be yours.

Again...I'm not saying this is what is going on here; but I've been reading a lot of posts here lately that reflect a lot of self-hatred/disgust/shame/embarrassment. If you are so focused on what other people are thinking of you and being self-critical, how much fun can you be to be around? You can't be thinking about them when you are so busy thinking about you.

Please take this in the way it is intended. Not to make anyone feel worse about themselves, but to try to look at things honestly.

I tend to be so self-conscious about my weight, I avoid people when I'm overweight. I would not even allow a relationship to start with a man when I am so embarrassed about myself...so I understand where a lot of people are coming from who feel the same way. I am not one of those who can love themselves in spite of it, because beauty is no the inside. I need to be comfortable with the outside too...so I'm not saying I can do what I'm asking others to do...just asking you to be honest and look at what is really going on.

Buttercup
02-12-2009, 03:26 AM
Wow! What wonderful food for thought. Thanks so much Iminhere, Maria, and recidivist. I never thought about the fact that I may be projecting my bad feelings about myself that way. But it sure makes a whole lot of sense. Thanks again. I will work on the inner me as much as the outer me. I completely agree that they are tied together. What a great learning experience I am having. Thanks for letting me whine ladies. You are the best! It truly is a journey of self to go through all of this. It is nice to have a place to learn and grow.

HVEECK
02-12-2009, 03:27 AM
Im sorry you are having such a hard time lately. Its hard to be "sexual" when you dont feel "sexy". I know my love life with dh has gotten a lot better now that I have lost some weight. Not only because of the fact that is is just easier physically to do it, but mainly because i feel better about myself. DH always said he didn't care that i was over weight, but deep down i knew things would be better if i lost the weight. I was right.(not that im done, i still have a long way to go) keep your head up. I know all marriages are different and every one has different opinions on this subject, but for me I dont care if the hubs looks at women on line. I dont know if he does or not, but i guess my motto is look but dont touch. Some people just have absolutely beautiful bodies, who am i to say he can't enjoy the scenery. I really hope things get better for you. I think you and hubby need to sit down and have a long talk. Be honest with each other, and make your feelings known. I wish you the best :hug::hug::hug:

joyra
02-12-2009, 03:36 AM
I agree with recidivist.

You sound really sad in your post. I don't know if that's a reaction to your husband or your overall feeling. My first thought was you were both depressed. My boyfriend has mild depression/anxiety and mine comes and goes too, as with self-esteem issues... and our life can be boring, bland, sexless, you get the picture. I have to push through these issues, go out on the town, put the moves on my guy, try new things, and just all around spice up my/our life.

We recently went on vacation and it was like we were two brand new people. We have interesting conversations, we had romance, we had chemistry, we had a great time. It was awesome. We've been back a week and already we are slipping into the same boring routine that makes us bored with each other.

Confidence will get you so far in life and make you much happier, whether you're coupled or single. If your husband has the choice between some pictures and a confident woman right in front of him, I'm sure he'll choose the latter. If he doesn't, then you will be confident enough to confront him and tell him what you want and need from the relationship.

Pandora123a
02-12-2009, 08:12 AM
buttercup

Don't discard completely that it is him, especially when you add in b/p meds. They can cause impotence. If he is having some trouble then pornography may be an outlet for him.

It still hurts. Men don't get it that it hurts when they choose pornography.

The most important thing though is for you to love yourself. Recidivist is right, confidence is the sexiest thing about a woman. I see it all the time, those women who think they are sexy just become a man magnet, regardless of how they look. Those who don't, well, they somehow fade into the background. Susan Sarandon tells a story about Marilyn Monroe who once walked down a street with her and said "I'll turn it off" and did. No one noticed her...she was very famous at the time.

Loving ourselves is really hard. We blame our weight for our lack of self-love, but it isn't that. I notice that now I am thinner, I still don't like my body, the parts I recognize as smaller I start to focus on the stretch marks and sagging skin. I can't win, because I don't let myself win.

Hugs to you.

Jennelle
02-12-2009, 08:21 AM
{{{hugs}}}

I know exactly what you're going through.

Talk to your hubby. I mean, really TALK to him. Write him a letter if it's easier (and gives you time to think). I personally hate pornography; it objectifies women and sets an unrealistic standard. I understand that others might think it's "just a man thing," but that is COMPLETELY beside the point. Your husband should care enough about you to be sensitive to your feelings and NOT look at pornography if it hurts you. But he won't know it hurts if you don't tell him.

Numina
02-12-2009, 09:00 AM
(((Buttercup)))

Losing weight doesn't make all the other problems go away, unfortunately. It just means we have to deal with those other problems without letting them derail us from our march to healthier living. I personally don't think you are mentally "defeated" --- but I bet you are mentally "fatigued" dealing with this. Sex is such an emotionally charged issue and has so many deeper themes.

I can't really add to all the good stuff folks have been telling you, except try to be gentle both with yourself and your husband. Remember that your goal is to be a healthier you in a healthier, loving relationship --- not scoring points or being "right" (those last 2 are probably me projecting MY problems onto you!).

Hang in there and feel free to vent here whenever it helps.

:hug:

irishsarah
02-12-2009, 10:16 AM
Count me in as someone who understands.

I was the HOT girlfriend/wife back in the day. My husband LOVED that his friends were jealous. He never SAID it out loud, but you could tell. Now, it is four kids and a good 100+ pounds later and I know things are "different". However, I truely believe what was said by others here, A LOT of it, has to do with my perception of me. When I was my thinner self, I would flirt with my husband, I would dress different, I would initiate..well, I'd INITIATE. I was more comfortable with my body so things were different. Now, I just want to keep as many clothes on as possible and hurry up before one of the babies wakes up and hurry up!...I'm tired and want to go to sleep!

That doesn't make my husband feel desired. :(

Luckily, my husband isn't into porn. I'm not a fool, he's a guy but my husband would much rather do it then LOOK at it. However, I see him checking out a some chics on tv with nice bodies. I see it, he knows I see it (mainly because I let him KNOW I see it). I know who he thinks is hot. I don't like it, but that is my insecurity.

That's what a lot of it is. Insecurity. My BIL had a girlfriend for 4 years that was a big girl. She was probably close to 300 pounds BUT, Betsy had ATTITUDE. She flirted, she was outgoing, she was lively, she dressed nice...she was so comfortable in her skin. THAT was a turn on. Her size was never an issue.

Guys are easy. A stiff breeze will turn them on. They don't think about sex like we do. Sometimes I think we over think it. We feel bad about ourselves so how could they not?! They are the ones looking at us! Right? I know. I've thought all the same thoughts. What turns a guy on the most? A woman that WANTS to do it and isn't too inhibited. I really believe that. Do I practise what I preach? Nah. I am working on it though.

Of course, blood pressure medicine really CAN effect things in that department. That is legit.

I just wanted to chime in too so you would know you are NOT alone in the way you feel. Not by a longshot.

Loose weight for you...not for him. As your confidence in YOU grows, I bet you find some of these issue start to fade. I am no expert but that is my opinion. :hug:

lottie63
02-12-2009, 10:21 AM
Well, my bf looks at porn but it's chubby and "all natural' porn, lol so it doesn't bother me as much as if it were skinny girls with fake boobs...but I can see where you're coming from.

In 2004 I lost 70 lbs. My bf had NEVER had a problem with my weight. I got down to 190 though from 260 andhe REALLY liked it more than he thought he would. Then I gained it back plus some. One night he expressed his disappointment at me having gained (we hadn't been having sex and I wanted to know why) so after that we didn't have sex for five months. augh. it was rough. then it was like he caved, he didn't believe I'd ever lose it again so suddenly he's "okay" with my weight. I don't believe this for a minute, but now that I've lost 33 lbs he's happier, I can tell, but I feel like Ihave SO FAR to go.

SO I guess I don't really have any advice as at times I'm in a similar boat, but I jsut wanted to say you are not alone. I love my bf dearly and honestly can u nderstand his frustration, but that doesnt' mean it dosn't hurt....I hope you and hubby have a nice long talk and figure things out.

Jen415
02-12-2009, 10:49 AM
There's a whole thread on this subject somewhere, but I can't seem to find it....:(

The point is, if it makes YOU feel bad, then you must speak up for yourself and let him know this. Keeping it in won't help.

Trazey34
02-12-2009, 10:56 AM
this might be a weird question -- but were you thin or heavy when you first got together? I was fat when DH & I met (he said he thought if i was heavy i might have a big appetite...for everything heh). Maybe if you were thinner and now you're bigger you feel you 'let him down' in some way - life changes, people change, bodies change, feelings hopefully stay the same and grow. This must be so stressful and hard on you - not just the knock to your self-esteem, but the looming 'bigger questions' don't seem fun to think about - good for you for taking your agression out at the gym!

MugCanDoIt
02-12-2009, 11:51 AM
Im in your same situation, except for he doesnt look online. I cry sometimes because of it. I used to be the hot girl, the one who got stared at everywhere she went. There was not a day that went by that somebody, no matter where I went, that somebody did not comment on how pretty I was. I went from that, to well, not so hot after gaining over 100 lbs. Now it seems like my dh would rather "take care of himself" than to even look in my direction. I told him I was sexually frustrated due to not getting any. You know what he did? Went to the store and got me batteries for my "you know what". In fact, Im in a *****y mood today because of all of it. Sometimes I think I cant take it anymore, and other times I cant help but think that I brought this on myself. By just never feeling confident, and bold due to what I actually look like, then over the years, his desire just went away. In fact, I am glad to know I am not the only one going through this. It makes me feel not so "alone out there"......

kaplods
02-12-2009, 12:15 PM
Is it possible that the bp meds are indeed making him impotent or disinterested in sex. Is he perhaps looking at porn to try to "treat" the problem (and is it "working" or just making him feel even more discouraged because it isn't helping).

Not all bp meds cause reduced sex drive or impotence, and if it is the meds he needs to talk to the doctor and try a different med.

My husband went from interested to not, almost overnight and we both weight 50 to 60 lbs LESS than we did when we married. It happened to me too, because of my meds, and it took both of us a long time to realize it was more the meds than our health problems making our sex drives plummet (not that the health problems weren't contributing, it's hard to get hot and bothered when every bone in your body hurts), but oddly it was the meds not the pain that, for a while, killed our sex life (it's better, but still severely wounded).

It sounds like both of you may be suffering in silence, instead of working things out, together. I think for things to change, you've both got to start talking to each other, about this, even if you need a counselor to help that happen.

Redflame
02-12-2009, 12:52 PM
Ok, so I have to pipe in and repeat somethings that were already said.

This has to be talked about, you cannot ignore it, it will not go away! The weight will, the issues will still be there. You have marriage vows, and I would hope to think that you would not be ok with him going out twice a week and screwing around with some chick.........right? Then you cnnot allow him to be online doing the same thing mentally! Sex is not all physical, it is more physical for males than females, but still there is a huge mental componant........and in that matter he is cheating on you. And I am sure he is not thinking that he is. Thats why you have to have that talk.

Ever tease him verbally all day long? Little whisper in the ear in the morning about what you would like to do to him? If you have you KNOW that he thinks about that all day long? Right? His mind is occupied. Pornography is that whisper, sometime a yell!

You deserve more, he deserves more, your marriage certainly derserves more.

Gretchy
02-12-2009, 12:52 PM
I agree with the other posters on so much. The confidence thing? I've had friends come to me confused about how I can get dates and guys interested in me and they can't even though we're both fat, or, god forbid, I'm fatter than them. (Okay, it stings a little when someone says that to me.. "But you're fat too, how do you get guys?") But the thing is - I'm confident in myself that I am a funny, smart, interesting, and (yes, really) attractive person. I don't shut down and get shy around guys, and when it comes to intimate moments - I am comfortable being naked around my man. I do not get shy and insist the lights be off and that he don't touch me here or there because I'm insecure about that body part - I trust that if he's looking at me, if he's touching my big fat stomach, thighs, whatever, it's because he wants to. When you project to others that you think you're fat, ugly, not worth loving they will subconsciously (or maybe even consciously) think that themselves.

Learn to love yourself first. It may be a good idea to get in the habit of naming off something you love about yourself every day (I have beautiful eyes, I can always come up with a funny story to make people laugh, I'm a very patient person, etc.) so that you realize that you are worth loving - at your goal weight or not.

wchs2007
02-12-2009, 01:51 PM
Ok, so I have to pipe in and repeat somethings that were already said.

This has to be talked about, you cannot ignore it, it will not go away! The weight will, the issues will still be there. You have marriage vows, and I would hope to think that you would not be ok with him going out twice a week and screwing around with some chick.........right? You deserve more, he deserves more, your marriage certainly derserves more.


Redflame is so right.. This can not be ignored..It will not go away.

Buttercup
02-12-2009, 06:28 PM
:thanks:Thank you so much for all of the wonderful advice and sharing your feelings. It is good to know others know the feeling and we can share.
I did talk to my husband today. I just sat with him on the couch and just talked quietly about my feelings. It was a good conversation and he let me know his feelings too. He was actually surprised that I feel so bad about myself at times. He said he wants me healthy, loves me, and truly is having trouble (you know where). It is hard for him to talk about it and he felt better getting it out. He said he will go to a doctor to discuss it. As far as the internet he said those things often pop up and this time he looked out of curiosity but would not do it again.
All I can do is take one day at a time. I will try harder to keep an open dialouge with him and work on my self confidence. I have to tell you though if there were pictures of Vin Diesel in a thong I would look!:devil:

recidivist
02-12-2009, 06:50 PM
As far as the internet he said those things often pop up

They don't on my machine. Someone has to have been visiting porn sites for porn to start popping up on the computer. ;)

I don't know how I'd feel about my SO looking at porn. I know a lot of guys who enjoy looking at the bodies of beautiful women, and who are perfectly happy with their wives. I think it might depend on how often they do it. If it becomes an obsession I'd be worried. If it's just an occassional peek (or sharing with coworkers or something), I wouldn't worry too much.

Trazey34
02-12-2009, 07:09 PM
way to go, Redflame! i agree - underlying issues don't go away. Personally, I would be PI$$ED off beyond belief my hubby only wanted to do it when I was THIN -- there's a lot of mental that goes along with it, and i agree about the 'whisper in his ear' all day long hehehehe naughty emails/texts work wonders ;) old married couples sometimes can't make it out of the garage to come inside the house hehehehe

ok too much info, but you get my point! there are creative ways to lure him back hehehehe

kaplods
02-12-2009, 07:27 PM
Until I had a good filter, porn popped up on my computer all the time (and at the time, I was still single, and living alone, and the only one who had access to the computer from the day I purchased it new - and I wasn't visiting porn sites, at least not voluntarily).

One that really riled me was I got an email that read "get rid of porn pop ups forever," and being a bit naive (and desperate to get the porn pop ups to stop) I clicked on it without thinking. It was a PORN SITE - I still don't get that one. Did they mean it as a cruel practical joke, or did they think someone was going to click on it and see their porn and get hooked, what thinking "oh, this is porn, I had no idea what I was missing!

The one that made me MAD, was a pop up that showed a very graphic shot of a woman doing obscene things to a horse. It actually made me rather ill, it was so graphic and disturbing - what would make anyone think that someone would want to see that involuntarily (especially being it's illegal in most if not all states)? Yeah, I wish it only happened to folks who "went looking" for it.


By the way, when I first found 3fatchicks.com, I would sometimes forget the web address, and if I googled it, a lot of porn sites came up. I believe that (at least at one time) if you spelled out 3 in the web address it took you to a porn site. And if you leave off the 3, fatchicks is still an erotic or dating site (I didn't stick around long enough to find out). I haven't had to worry about that in a while though with the filter and the fact that this site has been my homepage for some time now).

recidivist
02-12-2009, 07:53 PM
One that really riled me was I got an email that read "get rid of porn pop ups forever," and being a bit naive (and desperate to get the porn pop ups to stop) I clicked on it without thinking. It was a PORN SITE - I still don't get that one. Did they mean it as a cruel practical joke, or did they think someone was going to click on it and see their porn and get hooked, what thinking "oh, this is porn, I had no idea what I was missing!
I think it's like replying to an e-mail that says click here to stop getting this spam...and all it does is legitimize you have a valid e-mail address so they send you more. I suspect that can happen with sites like that...if you clicked it, it probably put more malware on your computer.

TempleBody
02-12-2009, 10:43 PM
A lot has been said already, I just want to say keep your head up. Women are beautiful in all shapes (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=at__wyGmI2c) and sizes (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_qi_My1yIU) and especially when they're having fun (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aijX__2Wlxo)!

pferde01
02-12-2009, 11:33 PM
I had a pretty painful conversation with my boyfriend recently about exactly this issue. Even though it's hard to hear, it was important that I heard his feelings on my weight. He knows better than anyone how much my weight bothers me and affects my self confidence and attitude. He wants me to be healthy and happy and the truth is we'll both enjoy our lives (and our sex lives!) more if I can get to a healthy weight.

At first I was afraid that since he admitted my weight affects his sex drive that it was this awful thing, he was shallow or didn't really care about me enough to love me as I am. But I realized after the sting went away that he does love me, he says it and shows it, and he will be here by my side whether I lose the weight this time or not. But we both deserve to live the best lives we can make for our selves.

Every relationship is different, but I believe in talking it out so much, I'm glad you were able to open the dialogue on your feelings.

Now for the dirty part of my two cents ... I am pro self pleasure, and whatever helps you get there so I'm pro porn! I take time out to enjoy myself and I support my boyfriend doing the same. For me a healthy sex life with my partner goes hand in hand with a healthy self sex life. To me it's not an escape or an avoidance, its no pressure, just release. My boyfriend and I have had dry spells but I definitely don't take offense to his other activities.

HVEECK
02-13-2009, 10:24 AM
PFERDEO1~ I couldn't agree with you more. It's natural to have "those" feelings subside a bit when your mate is not looking or feeling their best. Doesn't mean that they love you any less or are going to cheat on you...Its just nature. Its also natural to look at beautiful things with appreciation ;) IMO looking at porn is harmless, although if it hurts or upsets your significant other, than you should have enouph respect for them to obstain. the key here is COMMUNICATION.