LA Weight Loss - Odd side effect of Weight Loss




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zambejaly5
01-20-2009, 12:49 PM
Ok.. didn't think I would ever have this problem just wonder if anyone else has or is, and what can be done.

I have known my husband for 23 years, been married for 20. Never once has he ever felt jealousy. I am always the one keeping my eye loose women! haha. and many times have felt like maybe he was getting more attention that was appropriate. But now, he is the one that is jealous. and I just have to wonder if it is partly because I am getting more attention from other men. I keep trying to tell him that he will always be my number one... and only.... but we have had some really rough patches lately. He can get down right moody, cranky, we end up fighting..... I don't know how to make him feel secure.

Any thoughts??


Kristinx
01-20-2009, 01:09 PM
Sounds like you are doing what you can to make him feel secure. If he still doesn't feel secure then it probably has something to do with himself...and that's something he'll have to figure out on his own.
Obviously he knows you didn't lose weight so you could find someone better and up and leave him. Make sure he knows the reasons you did it. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying some attention from other men...so don't for a second ever feel guilty about that!
My boyfriend has always been somewhat jealous..no matter what size I have been. I've always had male friends more than female and I wasn't changing that when I met him...he doesn't really like to hear about them or hang out with us, but when he gets moody or cranky about it I just tell him if I don't show him that I care enough (because I clearly do) then beat the streets...otherwise just suck it up and quit being a girl! haha It's a wonder he loves me eh...

zambejaly5
01-20-2009, 01:16 PM
well, that is the other part of it I guess. I have always had guy friends, and my best friend is a guy. Which hasn't bothered him as much when I weighed 215! now that I am in a size 10. he is starting to question my pal. Went and watched the steelers game with him sunday night. My husband hates football. he stayed home. and pouted.

It gets more complicated too, when you are married with 5 kids. I can't really tell him to get over it or hit the streets! haha. I have tried to give him extra special treatment, "nudge, nudge, wink, wink" then he started saying he thought I was only doing that because I felt guilty for my own behavior with other guys! HA! can't win!


annie175
01-20-2009, 01:25 PM
If you are truly the same person you were before losing weight, then it is his insecurities that HE will have to overcome. No matter what you do, he has the problem to deal with.

beerab
01-20-2009, 01:40 PM
I think you are just going to have to tell him that you are still you- and it's him who has changed into an insecure person- while you have done all you can- obviously YOU can't convince him otherwise he has nothing to worry about- so he has to find it within himself to "get over" your weightloss.

If he tries to argue with you I'd flat out say "I'm not discussing this matter anymore, I am not doing anything wrong, you have to accept this is how I am and just because I have lost weight doesn't mean I've lost my sense of fidelity."

I guess you could cut seeing your guy friends a bit if you see them a lot.

bradleys mom
01-20-2009, 01:52 PM
My DH has swings of jealousy. Back 50 lbs ago, (ha ha) if he thought a guy was checking me out it would turn him on. Then other times he gets pouty and whiny about it and says he is afraid I am going to leave him when I lose all this weight. Weird men.

Mama Nicole
01-20-2009, 02:30 PM
Lettie, girl......just be patient. Think of what you would want from him, or what you used to want from him when you were feeling insecure. He will get there......I am sure you two have endured much rougher times. You knw we all have our less than favorable moments in relationships.......and that is why we get married.....marriage helps carry us through the rough spots.

Also, you might want to reassure him the he is not alone.....many men and women feel insecure when their spouse/partner make significant changes in their lives. My DH was kind of nervous when I went back to school, and raised some innocent, but jealous questions about some of the dudes that were part of my study groups. I think they question why we felt the need to make a change, even though they know it is a positive change for us and our relationships. I think they really want to beable to make us happy all the time..........but what they don[t take the time to think about is that we, as women, eveolve over time. Your kids are growing, and you are now finding time to care for yourself, and in time, he will feel more secure about it all.

Now, this part you may not like, as your BFF is a dude........but I can tell you that if my DH's BFF was a woman, I woud NOT be ok with that. I might try for a while to be ok with it....but I woudn't be. Maybe DH is just realizing for himself that he is not ok with it. Maybe he has tried to be the bigger person, but is faling miserably. I don't know, it is just my 2 cednts, but you might want to think about scaling back time spent with BFF. But, really, Lettie....you are the one that knows best. Follow your instincts, and be honest with yourself and DH. And tell him he is a dumba$$ for not taking the extra "attention," in stride and with a smile :) Time will show him your faithfulness and committment to him. Sometimes, even the strongest of us do weak things and act stupid as EVER. And, Lettie.......you don't have to take $hit from anyone......no matter how many kids you have......you are a strong woman, you can take care of yourself and your kids.....and don't let him forget that. You are going to have to demand his respect on this, and be patient while he adjusts :) :hug:

Repo girl
01-20-2009, 03:05 PM
Well said Nicole, I totally agree.

zambejaly5
01-20-2009, 03:28 PM
If you are truly the same person you were before losing weight, then it is his insecurities that HE will have to overcome. No matter what you do, he has the problem to deal with.

I don't think anyone can be exactly the same person at size 10 that they were at size 20.... or fill in your own numbers there...... that is unrealistic.

Most of us were living with low self esteem, depressed, jealous of the skinny girls. I think a lot of us held back from many activities, especially ones that involved too much physical strain, endurance, or skimpy clothes!

so I am sure I have changed. I would hope so. I am more active, therefor involved in more activities, Like, I used to send the kids with my husband to the skating rink, I didn't want to look like an apple on a stick out there and I really didn't want to fall at that weight. (can you picture the giant in Jack in the Beanstalk? yeah, I thought I would die! ) so I am doing more things, going more places, my self esteem is higher, so it makes me less mousy... ok I never really was too mousy... but you know! and I take better care of myself. the clothes are cuter. the hair is out of the ponytail, make up everyday. I didn't like putting makeup on my fat face. Felt like trying to draw a face on a dinner plate.

bottom line, of course I have changed. but for the better, The thing that has not changed is my love for him. and that is what I need him to realize.

zambejaly5
01-20-2009, 03:29 PM
Nicole..... I will just catch up with you on FB about this..... haha! good points though as always.

jewljz
01-20-2009, 04:56 PM
Letty - you make really good points about being a different person, have you put these words in his ears? My husband has always been a jealous guy... for a while there when I got heavier he stopped being jealous (stopped caring actually)... well now he's back to his old self, I'm not even allowed to work with boys! I just really put a lot of energy into making sure that he knows he's the one, I don't mention boys' names from work, and I definitely don't spend any time away from him with other boys.

Were you heavy when you guys met? Do you find that you are a different person, or just more of your old self? I find that I am more of my old self, and that is who he fell in love with, so he is enjoying this too.

JerseyMadchen
01-20-2009, 05:12 PM
I am glad to know i am not alone on this. My DH is constantly trying to get me togo off my better eatting, or trying to feed me more. I know it's insecurities with him as his first wife cheated on him profusely.

My exwas just as bad. He didn't want me to lose weight and leave him either. Funny thing is I did. Of course it had nothing to do with the weight... HAHA. I just knew it wasn't working out.

I guess the old saying "time will tell" applies here. Just wait it out...

kelly315
01-20-2009, 05:16 PM
I think it's a pretty common occurrence. He's probably mainly thinking about his own insecurities, which he probably won't admit when you're fighting because it will make him feel weak. Maybe when you're both calm, sit down and talk about it...no matter how embarrassing it gets.
That's the best idea I can come up with, good luck.

BarbaraB
01-20-2009, 05:41 PM
Oh Lettie, My DH was pretty much a jerk over my weight loss at times too. Super insecure, saying crazy jealous things. Plus he had somewhat of an attitude that since I looked better, he would have to behave better to deserve that good looking of a wife.... Like somehow he figured his less than stellar husbandly traits were totally balanced by the size of my butt.... He told me multiple times that I should go out and find a young stud. Why I would want one? I already spent over 20 years training one husband.... I wouldn't want to start from scratch.

I do think talking about your personal commitment to your marriage and what it means to you, helps more than anything. You need to sit down and be honest with each other though.

Kimphin
01-20-2009, 06:42 PM
I also think that it is centered from fear of the unknown. Before losing weight, he knew what to expect where you were concerned. Now, your life is this big, unwritten book and he has no way to see where it is going. You are doing new things, experiencing new things, and he's probably wondering just how far the new stuff goes.

Communication is the main thing here, and it may not be a quick thing - because it is all unfolding day to day. Keep talking, be honest, and understand that he feels the way he feels. Just because it may be unreasonable doesn't mean he has to just make it go away. And, on the same front, Your feelings are your feelings. You both just have to become comfortable with this new life.

You both have been through so much together. This is just another bump in the road.

WithFaith50
01-20-2009, 07:24 PM
Hi Lettie,

You have gotten a lot of good advice here and have shown that you realize the changes with yourself. I agree that if you keep showing him with actions that you only have eyes for him, he will eventually realize that you are not going to up and leave him. If you start denying yourself things to make him happy (ie. losing your best friend, not getting "cute" clothes, being less active, etc.)...would you really be happy? Keep showing/giving him love and keep the lines of communication open.

Best wishes,

Charlene
:hug:

zambejaly5
01-20-2009, 09:55 PM
Were you heavy when you guys met? Do you find that you are a different person, or just more of your old self? I find that I am more of my old self, and that is who he fell in love with, so he is enjoying this too.

No I was 118 when we got married. so he is getting the old me back. but I think what bothers him is he is not the old him. he was 26 when I met him. Now he will be 50 this aug. and he looks pretty damn good I must say. I will try to get a pic of him. on here.... so hopefully we can just adjust to the changes and level off....

BarbaraB
01-20-2009, 10:01 PM
Lettie, My DH got used to seeing me this way, and is not quite as jealous as he was. It will become the new normal. My DH will be 50 this year too. I think he looks exceptionally good for his age too. I attribute it to how good of care I took of him of course. I'm sure your DH is the same. If you can make the time away from the kids or do it with the kids, exercising together so you both feel good about yourselves is a good thing too. Then instead of my transformation, it is ours... even if like my husband, yours only loses 5 pounds and shapes up a bit.

zambejaly5
01-20-2009, 10:05 PM
My Honey... see, he's HOT! :D

jewljz
01-21-2009, 10:40 AM
Barbara - I'm with you on the "training a new one"! I've seen people trade in for a new one and have the same problems they had with the last one! I'm not gonna do that... I've thought about it in the past, but feel that I can see things a lot more clearly now.

At times when I was heavy I would get frustrated that I would see heavy women getting all kinds of attention from their men and mine would barely touch me. Here are some of the things my husband has said about weight in the past - when we were first going to get married, he told me that I "better not get fat or he will leave". When I was pregnant with my first child and gained 60lbs he told me that he "is not attracted to fat women". He has made numerous comments about my weight over the years and at times I felt as if there was "someone" out there that would just love me for me... what I failed to notice was this - I was not me! I was insecure, angry, lazy, unhappy, and just generally not well. He stuck with me through all this, none of what he said was true I think he was just saying it to try to motivate me. He is much more open about how he feels now and is so loving, he's happy that I'm better now and back to my old self - silly and carefree :)

BarbaraB
01-21-2009, 03:01 PM
Lettie, Your DH is cute, and looks very good for 50

Mama Nicole
01-21-2009, 03:03 PM
I'll second that.....and I like them young :)

Thighs Be Gone
01-21-2009, 03:10 PM
It isn't easy for me to admit we have also been dealing with some of this. I can't help that I like wearing cuter clothes now, and am paying attention to my make-up and letting my hair grow out. I dress very appropriate for my age and even modestly. He has only made a handful of comments but the last time he said something, I let him have it! I just couldn't take it any longer. Getting to a healthier weight is only part of the makeover I am giving myself--I have basically changed almost everything in my life and doing what is best for me and my family is stressful enough without his comments.

I am a grown, confident and strong woman that is finally finding myself after all these years. I will be dayummed if I am going to be made to feel uncomfortable at this stage in my game.

I feel bad writing this because we have been married 16 years and he is such a fantastic hubby and father in every way. He is the love of my life, my inspiration, my all. But, enough is enough! He is older than I am (ten years) and I wonder if it's contributing.

p.s. One thing I consistently do that he loves is that when I go out with him, I am always dressed to the nines--even if I have on nothing fancy, I make sure my hair, makeup and clothing always looks just so so. On the evenings we do get a sitter and go out, I get all HOOKAH for him. LOL.

zambejaly5
01-21-2009, 03:41 PM
I wonder sometimes how the age difference plays in there. I think as they seem to get closer to Old age, so to speak, seemingly fast than we seem to be. that is makes them wonder about the young bucks that are circling!

Heres another look. Yes i think he is the Hottest guy there is! I would take him over Clooney or Pitt!

Kimphin
01-21-2009, 04:36 PM
I'll second that.....and I like them young :)

Yes you do!

Cougar.:lol3:

beerab
01-21-2009, 05:14 PM
lol I was going to say "I didn't know you were married to Jack Nicholson!" The glasses are so macho ;) He looks very handsome :D

Hoochie
01-21-2009, 05:26 PM
He's a keeper, way to go!!!

Mama Nicole
01-21-2009, 07:03 PM
Yes you do!

Cougar.:lol3:
:rofl:

amylou7777
01-21-2009, 09:32 PM
Damn Lettie-your hubby IS a hottie! Tell him to get dressed and take you out on the town! You guys are the freakin Brad and Angie of AR!

I don't have a lot to say here, been with DF for three years, will be getting married this year and haven't dealt much with this issue. For now guys checking me out, or me taking extra time on myself only turns him on. I actually usually tell him when guys flirt with me. Is that weird? I usually get a really good reaction so I guess that's why. We've never been with a "cheater" like AmyNJ mentioned, I can imagine that would really scar you.

I can definitely imagine this happening though. You've gotten lots of great tips here!

Nicole-I've seen pics of Scotty and he is definitely a hottie as well!
Love the cougar comment! hahahaa

Dan2112
01-22-2009, 01:05 AM
I'm really sorry.. I HAVE to do this... Inside joke for Lettie...

I wonder sometimes how the age difference plays in there. I think as they seem to get closer to Old age, so to speak, seemingly fast than we seem to be. that is makes them wonder about the young bucks that are circling!

Heres another look. Yes i think he is the Hottest guy there is! I would take him over Clooney or Pitt!


Billy Ray Cyrus called....


Of course, I'd be thrilled if I still had that much hair... Oh well.. At least I still have my own good looks...

mariamherrera
01-22-2009, 03:29 AM
ask him why would he want to be with a woman that no one else wanted??? He should feel proud that other men are starting to notice you- because your the one he goes home to at night and its him who has you on his arm not them! he should be giving other guys a thumbs up and winking at them when he catches them staring at you like " yeah I know she's all mine too"

just my two cents!

zambejaly5
01-22-2009, 10:11 AM
I'm really sorry.. I HAVE to do this... Inside joke for Lettie...




Billy Ray Cyrus called....


Of course, I'd be thrilled if I still had that much hair... Oh well.. At least I still have my own good looks...

:rofl:

well, that is not a real current photo. but not much has changed except the hair!! hahahahaha

Dan2112
01-22-2009, 10:32 AM
Well, you can never tell in Arkansas... My brother in Little Rock says that there are still plenty of guys there who are business in the front and party in the back...

As for me, I had a mini mullet back in the heady college days of the late 80's, but as soon as it started really falling out, I figured I'd better just keep it short..

As for cougars.. Well.. Don't get me started..

zambejaly5
01-22-2009, 10:34 AM
DH's best friend actually sports the Mullet. no, the first picture I posted of him is the current hair style.

Thighs Be Gone
01-22-2009, 10:38 AM
Did anyone see that Dr. Phil show a couple months back with the "cougar" on there? So sad. :(

Mama Nicole
01-22-2009, 11:54 AM
Well, you can never tell in Arkansas... My brother in Little Rock says that there are still plenty of guys there who are business in the front and party in the back...

As for me, I had a mini mullet back in the heady college days of the late 80's, but as soon as it started really falling out, I figured I'd better just keep it short..

As for cougars.. Well.. Don't get me started..lo
lol lol lol..........what's your story with cougars? lol

and lettie.....tell that man to cut his hair (the friend, no DH)......noone should sport a mullet.....and i mean NOONE! lol

Sige
01-22-2009, 12:45 PM
... My brother in Little Rock says that there are still plenty of guys there who are business in the front and party in the back...

HA HA HAAAA...now that is funny :)

amylou7777
01-22-2009, 01:02 PM
Wow Sige just 2more lbs!!! Eat some fiber one and you're golden. That is amazing!

WithFaith50
01-22-2009, 08:46 PM
...Heres another look. Yes i think he is the Hottest guy there is! I would take him over Clooney or Pitt!

Yes, I definitely would say that he is indeed hot, lol!

:cp::bravo::cp: