General chatter - anybody else have this problem?

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01-19-2009, 06:14 PM
okay so, it's like this... I have always been a shy, reserved, unconfident girl. I have a low self esteem and daddy issues (mine are he left and never came back so I have those "fear of rejection men issues"). Anyways, I have a boyfriend and actually a very long term relationship we've been together for years and I plan on staying with him and someday getting married. Part of the reason I think I've stayed with him so long is that I am just afraid of him leaving me and I'm afraid to be alone. We had a rough couple of years in the beginning but we worked past it. We grew together and we've built a life together. I want to be with him for the rest of my life!

But, sometimes I crave attention from other guys... And really since I've been pretty much a chubby fat girl for the last 6-7 years, I really haven't had it. Well besides drunk guys at bars who hit on anybody. And it basically comes down to that. I go out with my girlfriends and my boyfriend absolutely hates going out so he usually stays home or hangs out with his guy friends at home. There were a couple cute guys who seem to have given me extra attention the last few months and I don't understand it cuz they're hot, lean and beautiful girls are always flirting and hanging on them. But basically these guys are manwhores and I heard someone say once that those type of guys usually look for girls with low-self esteem that way they can sweet talk them and girls with low self-esteem let themselves be used or they are more susceptable to the "attention". While I think every girl is flattered and happy when a cute guy gives them attention some girls don't need it cuz they have a high self esteem and have high self confidence.

Anyways, so one of guys works at place I frequent and now I feel like he thinks I just go there because of him and I hate talking to him because he always says things to me about how cute I am, how fun I am, and other things. And I hate it cuz I love it. I love the attention he gives me even though I know he would just use me and it's kinda of exciting and makes me feel good and makes me feel confident and sexy and ugh I hate it, cuz it makes me feel stupid for gushing over this guy and makes me feel guilty cuz I have a boyfriend I love and know he loves me. I also know that its like a drug or alcohol -its a false sense of confidence, it gives me a little rush and then when I go there now I almost want him to come over and talk to me. I just need to stop going there and I need to focus on my weight loss and my life at home.

I just wish I had a better self-esteem and I didn't need to seek out 'bad habit' type confidence boosters! It makes me giddy and makes me want to puke at the same time. What is wrong with me? I feel like such a ho!

01-19-2009, 06:47 PM
enjoy it, sounds awesome

Beautiful Ace
01-19-2009, 06:54 PM
Hmm, personally (and others may not agree with me) like the attention if I'm in a relationship or not. I love to be desired! I get really excited when I know somebody thinks I'm pretty or cute or sexy(even if I don't want to be with them). It's a huge confidence booster to me. I personally don't have such a low self esteem as I used to once upon a time.

I don't think it's unhealthy to want to be desired. Just keep in mind that's all you want! You have a great man at home as you have said:P

01-19-2009, 07:43 PM
Honestly I am pretty much the same way and I ruined my first relationship doing this. I thought I found something better so I left my steady bf for a guy who dumped me after one date. It's okay to want attention, believe me I think we deserve it after issues with dads and being the chubby girl, just don't let it go too far.

01-20-2009, 11:35 AM
I like being checked out by other guys. It makes me feel good, and it makes my hubby feel good that he has a hot wife (although, he gets really possessive sometimes..but that makes me feel good too, so I I dont let it go very far though. If some guy was hitting on me, I let him know right away that I'm married. I dont mind being checked out, I just hate being hit on.

01-20-2009, 12:00 PM
Maybe the guy really likes you have you thought of that? Take it from a man...many, many men love women with a little meat on their bones and I am one of them.

I say enjoy it! LOL! We should all be so lucky as to desired! :D

Now me... I have a face only a mother could love! In fact my face in it's relaxed state looks like I am pi$$^d off. I can't count how many times I am going about my normal business and someone will say.. "whats wrong you look pi$$^d"

If I were in your position I would enjoy every second of it! BUT if you love your boyfriend I would look but not touch!

good luck! enjoy it! enjoy life! as far as we know we only get one! :)

01-20-2009, 12:10 PM
It sounds like you're young and in a relationship that is based somewhat on the fact that you don't want to be alone. That's not healthy.

Figure out whether you really want to be with him; it's perfectly ok not to marry somebody even when you've got years invested. It's not perfectly ok to cruise clubs looking for male attention if you're really serious about the guy at home. If he went looking for female attention in the same way, you'd be devastated. It's only fair to have the same respect for him that you'd want him to have for you.

01-21-2009, 09:17 AM
Figure out whether you really want to be with him; it's perfectly ok not to marry somebody even when you've got years invested. It's not perfectly ok to cruise clubs looking for male attention if you're really serious about the guy at home. If he went looking for female attention in the same way, you'd be devastated. It's only fair to have the same respect for him that you'd want him to have for you.

hmmm very wise answer ...

01-21-2009, 09:25 AM
I agree with what Robin said. I also think its interesting and very telling that you mentioned you are afraid to be alone but nowhere did you say you loved your BF.

01-21-2009, 05:29 PM
Yes Robin that is a very wise answer! Thank you, that just opened up a realization in my mind.

I don't think I would be content with myself if I "just enjoyed it" that's why I'm so distraught about it. Cuz duh what does that even mean? Keep letting this guy flirt with me and keep seeking out attention to the detriment of my relationship with my man? I think I'm just miserable with myself, mad for being so fat, and angry for not losing it yet. I escape by going out and trying forgetting my problems.

But like I said before I need to focus on my weight loss and that will in turn make me a happier person, I will have more natural confidence and my self-esteem will go up and I'll finally feel good about myself. Maybe I should of posted this in the Depression forumn, cuz I think that's what it boils down to for me. Oh and I did say I love my boyfriend and he loves me and I said I'm afraid to be alone cuz I was relating that to my "father issues". Everywoman without a perfect dad has them. Even if you don't think you do, you do. Every interaction a female has with a male partner is related to her relationship (or lack thereof) with her father. I just sometimes am self-destructive and I could see how easily I could spiral out of control if I didn't get a new perspective and a reality check on my thoughts.

And Flatiron, thanx for the comment but the whole "manwhore" part I figured gave it away, I know what he does, he sleeps with lots of females, he isn't interested in me other than to boost up his own ego. I'm not just saying that to put myself down, it's just that that's what type of guy he is, for a fact. So that even makes it worse that I let myself get all worked up about it and falling for that stupid flattery that I see him using on everyother girl there. Anyways I think I was just feeling very unhappy about myself and I wasn't even sure quite what I was thinking and I just had to let it out, cuz I don't have any girlfriends that I could really share this with that wouldn't judge me or open their mouths about it. So thank you all esp Robin for your insights!