I recently started dating this guy and so far we have really hit it off. The only problem is that he has a bit of a beer belly and is very self conscious about it. His New Year's Resolution is to lose it and so far he has lost about 10 pounds, yay! right? Here is the problem he keeps asking me why I'm interested in him, he thinks he's not good enough for me being bigger.
I reassure him that I really like who he is as a person and soon enough the belly will be gone and he will feel great, not that the belly bothers me anyway. I can sympathize with him as well because I have been bigger and felt uncomfortable and not "worthy" in my own skin, but he doesn't know this.
Here is my problem... I caught myself thinking maybe I should put off losing my last 10-15 pounds so it doesn't stir the pot, how ridiculous is that? But the thought keeps resurfacing. Can anyone relate or give me some advice?
it souns like your bf thinks you're out of his league but don't let that stop you from losing weight. tell him that he needs to lose for him and that you're doing the same for you. tell him how you feel. that you're feeling bad about losing the weight until he does. i can almost guarantee that that wasn't the result he wanted!
Dont put off what you want/need for yourself to please someone else. That is how a lot of us get in the situation were in and become overweight to start with.
Go ahead and go for that last 15lbs! Youve worked hard dont let someone else's self esteem issues keep you from being the best you you can be.
With that said. You cant change how someone sees their self only they can. Just keep liking/loving him and show him your not going to leave him. Reassure him you think he is sexy and you dont have a problem with the belly but you want him to be as healthy as he can be so you can be together a long time. I still dont understand why my husband fell in love with me or stuck around when I started gaining weight as we were dating. But its been 9 years so I guess he must have found something he likes lol
I dont see it But its my problem not his.
Go for walks together, cook him healthy meals, dont mention weight loss just show him healthy habits. Tell him about your own struggles so he knows you know how he feels but dont make all your conversations about losing weight.
Deep down I know you are both right, but sometimes my thoughts aren't totally rational. Your advice is great though thanks!
Anastasia- I think it would be best just to tell him exactly how I feel and what I've been through. I know he would not want me to feel the way I do.
Looking- Doing things together more would also work out well, we have a bit but maybe if we did more. Throughout my struggles I have definitely picked up some good habits I could share.
Besides I'm doing this for me and as of today I am 166 which means only 11 pounds to go!
Here is my problem... I caught myself thinking maybe I should put off losing my last 10-15 pounds so it doesn't stir the pot, how ridiculous is that?
Hey maybe if you GAIN 40 or 50lbs he will feel skinny and not be so insecure?
NOT!!!
Sounds like your new guy is a bit insecure. Do you want to be hooked with an insecure person? If you do then somehow you have to convince him that you are with him for HIM and not how he looks and it what is on the inside of a person that really counts.
A warning though... if you have a long term relationship with this person depending on how insecure he is... you may have to reassure him constantly which is ... uhh not fun. Take it from someone who has dated a VERY insecure person for 3 years. It was ONE of the issues that broke us up.
But I most DEFINITELY think you should NOT purposely sabotage your own weight loss to make someone else feel good.
Boyfriends come and go but your health is your LIFE!
You really put things in blacvk and white for me flatiron, I appreciate it. You're right why would I stop losing weight it's the same as gaining weight would be to make someone else feel better. One thing I have learned is that this is my choice and my goal.
I'll keep in mind your advice about being with someone who needs constance reassurance. So far that is not the case though, he is very confident in every aspect, except for this. In a way it's kind of funny because he said one day it just dawned on him that he had gained 30 pounds and since then he has wanted it gone and gone now (I know the feeling). I really believe that as soon as it is he will be back to being secure.
Man and being so close to my goal I would probably resent the fact that I didn't finish, not good.
I definitely don't think you can postpone your weight loss if you're ready. Postponing is just a long word for no. Plus I think you will end up resentful. But why not share your experience with him? He will surely appreciate it, and you won't have a secret anymore.
Insecurity can happen at any size, and for any reason. Sometimes it's a temporary or specific condition, sometimes it's chronic and pervasive.
My husband was VERY insecure about some things (but also very confident in other ways) when we started dating . Our backgrounds were very different in several ways. I had my master's degree; he hadn't finished college. My job paid more than his did, but quite a bit. I was four years older than he (not a huge difference, though I was horrified to see an MTV "cougar" episode of actresses dating much younger men and they included an actress who was married to a man only 5 years younger). He was mystified as to why I was attracted to him, so I told him, at first frequently.
I admitted that what I was looking for was possibly quite different from most women, or at least my priorities were different, so I do understand why he was stumped. I loved the way my husband looked, even though he was big. He had this friendly biker-viking appearance - tough and yet soft and caring. He's incredibly funny and we share a lot of common interests. That he'd met the Cheiftains (one of my very fav irish bands) after a concert was super cool. I loved his red and auburn hair. I loved how we were both opposites and yet kindred spirits. I'm kind of conservative on the outside, and weird and left of normal on the inside. He's unconventional on the outside and on many topics, and yet very conservative on the inside. We both somehow meet in the middle on most things.
I do think that when someone has faced rejection a lot, insecurity is a natural reaction. I was insecure too, but I was able to "fake it" better than he was.
Every once in a while my husband still will say "I can't believe you picked me," with wonder in his voice. Every once in a while he'll ask whether I'm still happy I married him (usually after a big argument). And he is sometimes overprotective and overattentive (I have some health issues, and he sometimes acts as though I'm so fragile I'm going to shatter in a million pieces). I fell in the snow a few weeks ago, and he nearly panicked. It was luckily a very well padded fall, so going down wasn't nearly as difficult as getting up, but I lie there a few seconds checking over whether anything hurt and trying to decide how I was going to get up, before attempting to do so, and it freaked him out a bit, as he thought I was severely hurt. Sort of sweet, really.
One thing to remember though, is that what you find sweet and endearing when you're dating, you might find irritating later on in the relationship. And anything you find annoying now is almost definitely going to drive you bonkers later on. So you do have to consider whether and to what degree insecurity is something you can live with long-term, but if the answer is yes - you do have to remember not to reinforce or feed into the insecurity. When you change your behavior to reduce his insecurity, it actually just reinforces it, because his voicing his insecurities had a big pay-off.
I've posted about this before, but not in a while, so I'll mention it again here. My husband, who is very successful and a very good looking man, has some insecurities of his own -- it is just part of who he is and is actually part of what makes him so endearing to me. He has also lost about fifty pounds this fall, but despite this, and despite the fact that women have always been drawn to him, he has expressed worry about my weight loss...not negative. He is very proud of me, but he still has made joking comments about "letting me out of the house alone" and about the men who notice me when we are out and about. I just constantly remind him how much I love him, and have always loved him...since we were 19.
I think it might be helpful to your guy if you let him know that you have also had a struggle with getting off and keeping off some extra weight...it will make you seem more "human" to him and will be a shared experience. At some point, he is bound to meet someone who knew you when you were heavier and mentions your weight loss or sees a picture of you from "before"...and sharing it yourself might help him deal with his own worries on the issue. Let him know that it is "who he is" and not a few extra pounds that make you want to be with him.
However, absolutely DO NOT sabatoge your own weight loss efforts to make a man happy. Your weight loss journey is yours...he is your boyfriend, yes...but choosing someone who you are willing to sacrifice your own self-esteem and health for is, in the long run, really not a good idea. Right now it might seem like the right thing to do, but if you guys don't work this out, it is going to cause trouble farther down the line -- when the first "blush" of dating wears off and you settle into a more comfortable relationship, you will begin to resent that you did not finish something very important you started for yourself because of his insecurities...don't do it.
Besides, not losing your weight is more likely to make it so that he does not get around to losing his extra weight. If you keep up your efforts, you will actually be helping him to attain a goal he wants for himself by continuing to live your own healthy lifestyle and getting exercise. Why not do it together? It will help bond you and give you something to share together that will make BOTH of you feel better about yourselves. I mean, even if you didn't lose the weight, it will not, in the long run, make him feel better about his own weight gain...he will still want that beer belly gone. So how would you quitting be helping him?
Everyone's right...keep doing what you're doing, and be an inspiration to him to keep up the good work!
That being said, I can sympathize with constantly being asked for reassurance. Before I met the man who is now my husband, I dated a guy who was quite a bit larger than me. I was in my 220s, and he was 400+ pounds. Anyway, he went on and on about how beautiful I was. It was nice...at first. Then it became smothering...every conversation was about how I was so nice and smart and beautiful and why on earth would I be with him? Why did I want to be seen with someone who looked like him? What did I see in him? I tried to talk to him and get him to tone it down some, and assure him over and over and over that I liked him for HIM. But he wouldn't stop.
It got to where our relationship was full of nothing but ME keeping him built up about himself, and less about US. So it failed.
Talk to him about his insecurities now, if his questions are bothering you. Assure him that he just needs to BE in the relationship and not question it. Or like someone else said, it'll get old fast, and things will turn sour.
I needed to hear what you are all telling me, and it's good to know that it seems to be a more common issue than I thought. All of you have dealt with it quite well and I will take all advice into consideration!
I really do think that doing this together would be great too, even a little extra push to get me to goal!
One thing on working together on weight loss - it's by no means nearly as fun and motivating as it sounds. In fact, I would say that often (definitely in hubby and my case) trying to lose weight together is actually harder than each person doing it on their own.
Not saying it can't be done, or that some things are easier or more motivating, but it also is more stressful and difficult to coordinate and accomodate each other's needs. For example, my hubby's stride is about twice mine, so just to keep up with him on a walk means he is walking slower or I am walking faster than is comfortable. He also has a lot more endurance for many things, so any exercise done together isn't much of a workout for him. Also some of my trigger foods are his sanity savers, and vice versa, so it's not like we can necessarily keep our trigger foods out of the household.
"Trying to motivate," sounds a lot like nagging or criticism. And one person's demotivation can easily rub off on the other person, if you're not careful (however enthusiasm can rub off too, but it sure seems that demotivation is a lot more contagious).
Not that it isn't worth it, but the challenges are a bit more complicated than doing it completely independently.
I was noticing in church on Sunday looking at couples, if one was overweight or obese typically so was the other... isn't that typical? Do likes attract likes to begin with or is this the natural progression? To be a healthy fit couple together or to do down the other road. I'd suggest looking at other parts of this relationship too. Does this weight issue signify other issues that could be there? I hope he's not the controlling insecure type, I married one of those. I think he felt more power when I was overweight after having a baby, some strange thinking about not being as easily able to leave him - the barefoot and pregnant thing? I don't see myself as the type to scare men, but when I was dating I was thin, confident, traveled, educated. There's been articles in magazines on the subject of dating/marrying someone more blue collar, I didn't and instead married an executive that seemed on the surface confident, but was insecure inside. I learned all sorts of stuff about the psychology of this, and frankly, next time I run into a man who's a little boy inside, covering insecurities, I'd RUN.... IF I thought it was the type who wanted to bring me down. You'd think being a couple would naturally mean bringing the best out in the other - encouraging them. And what are you saying here? You are trying to be your best and he's discouraging you? What does that mean for a long term relationship? Would you have to drop to his level? Well I've been there done that as for being brought down by an insecure man. It's taken me a few years to get my self confidence even semi back from the ordeal, I'll never be the same - as there was verbal garbage and more. Of course normal slightly insecure men don't 'do this' but I'd be on the watch out... if you are even starting the thought process of lowering your goals for a man,remember whatever's going on dating will be magnified 10 times when married. This might seem minor - little weight difference, but how many other differences are there? How much in common? Find someone you have a lot in common with, health wise, spiritually, intellectually - studies show the more you have in common the more you are to last, you'll have a natural understanding. You are at cross roads, losing weight, gaining confidence, finding a "new" or perhaps the old thinner you again. Finish your goal with or without him, and do "this" for life - be a strong, confident woman... when you hug a man, keep your eyes wide open as this world can be harsher then you can imagine at your age.
I definitely feel more prepared for dealing with this. It's great to hear all of your experiences and stories. I really need to keep in mind that right now I need to focus on me and all my goals. It would be fun to do somethings together but we are at very different stages in the weight loss/exercise department and I could see how trying to be motivating could come off as pushy, not good. I'll see him tomorrow and bring some of this up and see what happens.
Why would I think/do that?
