I am a purger more than a binger. When I get stressed or upset, I turn things over to purging. I feel better because it puts me back into control.
It's a sort of manifestation of the problem, but presented in a way where I can just erase it all.
That is worded far too complexly to make proper sense...
I was going strong there for a while without incident. Thought I could handle the issue. These past few weeks have started on me with stress. Despite my efforts, I have found my head in the toilet more than I'd like. Even if it isn't every day any more, once is still too much for me.
It's too easy to break under pressure.
ANYWAY...I have trouble with restricting myself. I turn everything into an obsessive game of numbers or behavior. The problem is not that I can't restrict myself, but that I do at all.
Eating is the easiest thing to criticize myself for because it's the one thing I can't live without.
I just want to wake up one day and not turn the facts or crunch the numbers. I don't want to wonder what consequence corresponds with some silly action I've been programmed to think is taboo.
I don't want to see a commercial about weight loss or counting calories and turn it into some senseless task of self-control or willpower.
I use purging as a punishment and a weight control mechanism.
It's just stupid!
I am going through something similiar although with me binging and purging go hand in hand. I know how hard it can be to get a handle on it. I agree though that you can't do it alone. I have tried for many years to stop. I would suggest talking to your Dr., finding a counselor that deals with eating disorders, joining a 12 step program etc. Find something that is helpful for you. I joined OA and it has been very helpful for me. There are people in my meeting that are recovering Bulimics and Anorexics so it isn't just for overeating.
I think it is brave of you to post here and reach out for help. That is a very important first step. I know how hard and scary it is but things will get better. This is something I am still really battling but with help and support you start seeing some progress. PM me if you ever want to talk, I know what you are going through and what a battle it is. Good luck to you, you can overcome this.
I understand where you are coming from completely. For me, it started out as binging and turned into binge/purge. I have also made myself throw up when I feel upset/stressed/etc. I am seeking professional help and attempting to lose weight as well, but in a very moderate way i.e. less restricting. We can beat this!
Any purgers?
