General chatter - Giving a 17 yr old up for adoption




cbmare
01-13-2009, 08:20 PM
As many of you know, my DD became a nurse a few years ago. She works in a pediatric oncology. They got a 17 yr old girl in a few months ago. When she was diagnosed with cancer, her parents gave her up for adoption. When I heard this, my first thought was that perhaps they can't afford the treatment and by giving her up, the state will take over her care. Then I began to think that she is better off without them. My DD said they were seldom around for her treatments. They seemed to act like it was a big inconvenience to bring her in for treatments. Maybe she is better off but I would think her heart is broken.


willow650
01-13-2009, 08:23 PM
wow, that is horrible, her parents should be jailed for abandonment. what sorry people.

Lovely
01-13-2009, 08:28 PM
Wow. I can't even imagine. That is crazy.


luvja
01-13-2009, 08:30 PM
That's cruel.

angelanicole23
01-13-2009, 08:56 PM
This sounds insane.........almost like selling a car when it gets to the point of breaking down.........people are people not cars!

jademarlene
01-13-2009, 09:00 PM
That is so sad, poor girl. Goes to prove just because someone can have a child doesn't make them a parent.

Beautiful Ace
01-13-2009, 09:06 PM
omg... That's just ridiculous.

Kitsey
01-13-2009, 09:12 PM
I can't even imagine, I have tears in my eyes reading this. That poor girl!

gigglez
01-13-2009, 09:42 PM
It is pitiful but you know the sad part is that nothing wont happen to the parents. I bet that if something actually gave their child a spanking in that state(a spanking not a beating mind you.) they would be in jail for sure.

cbmare
01-13-2009, 10:16 PM
It is pitiful but you know the sad part is that nothing wont happen to the parents. I bet that if something actually gave their child a spanking in that state(a spanking not a beating mind you.) they would be in jail for sure.

Other than loathing, I don't see how anything can happen to the parents. They did everything through legal means. That doesn't mean that they are nice people. We're in Calif. and you can believe that a spanking can get you into trouble in some areas.

When my DD was little she had a doll that had lost 1 arm. We were in a dr. office with that doll. My DD took her everywhere and had outfits for every season. A lady saw her doll and asked me why I didn't throw that doll away and buy her a new one. I didn't think my DD was listening. She got all up in arms and said, "NO! Would you throw your baby away if it lost an arm?!" That lady looked at me and said, "I guess she told me. Didn't she?" I should have known that she was destined to be a nurse or something like that from an early age.

Coffee Luver
01-13-2009, 10:22 PM
That is terrible. Just terrible.

Ookpik
01-13-2009, 10:47 PM
How sad.

Ufi
01-14-2009, 01:05 AM
How sad. Maybe a local Sparrow Club or someone will "adopt" her?

mandalinn82
01-14-2009, 01:22 AM
Can we back up a second here?

I'd never condemn a parent "giving up" on a sick child. But I would like to point out that we know nothing about the circumstances this family is in or what would cause them to take that kind of action. Particularly in the current economic climate, we have no idea what circumstances led them to their decision.

I know of a couple who were basically condemned of abandoning their child during medical treatments...they were both working two jobs trying to keep the medical benefits and make enough money to pay for her care, and so couldn't be at the hospital with her. To parents desperate to figure out a way to balance expensive medical costs, other kids at home who also need to be cared for and fed and taken care of, etc, this might be the only feasible option.

I'd never defend someone who actually said "Well, this kid is sick, so I guess we don't want her anymore". But I would hate for us to be sitting here judging these parents when we have no idea what they're going through that led them to the decision they made.

I hope that girl has people around her during this rough time, though, parents or otherwise...what a hard thing to go through alone.

midwife
01-14-2009, 12:23 PM
I would think (hope?) there is more to the story but in general this thread makes me a little uncomfortable for a few reasons.....mainly patient privacy. I know there are no names, but there's enough info that someone might be able to figure out who/what/where/when if they had a little more info.....I'm sure Mare's daughter didn't mean to break confidentiality by sharing her concerns with her mom. I guess this thread just makes me uncomfortable though. I'm weird that way.

junebug41
01-14-2009, 12:32 PM
This reminds me of a story that broke around here recently. A child who was rescued from a horribly abusive home as an infant was adopted. Apparently, he had so many behavioral issues that made him a danger to everyone in his family that the parents had to keep hospitalizing him until the authorities threatened to charge them with neglect unless they gave him up. I don't think they were allowed contact with him after that point and you could see how heartbroken they were about it. It was a real legal mess.

So I do think there might be more to this story, but we'll never know (which as midwife expressed, is how it should be).

Pixiesue
01-14-2009, 12:37 PM
That poor girl! nothing like feeling loved and wanted by your parents! shameful!

JackieRn
01-14-2009, 01:12 PM
People deal with illness very differently and sometimes family situations are not conducive to adaptive coping. I've taken care of pediatric/infants patients whose parents act as though the hospital is a daycare and can't be bothered with visiting their own child. Imagine trying to comfort a baby who is accustomed to his mother, as a stranger thats not a role I can fill adequately.

In these instances it does help as others have mentioned to consider that I don't know the entire situation. There are some people who's first inclination at the sign of illness of a loved one is to run because of fear of losing that person and then others are more nurturing and stick it out until the end. The unfortunate thing its usually not until you go through the difficult situation that you realize how your loved ones cope with illness.

cbmare
01-14-2009, 02:22 PM
As I said in my original post, my first thought was that they might not be able to afford the care so they want the state to take over her care. I just know how my DD reacted. There are plenty of poor people there scrambling for ways to pay for care. In fact, many of them have asked if there is some way St. Jude's can be involved. This tells me they care about and want care for their child.

My concern is for how that 17 yr old feels about not being able to see her family ever again because of this. Her heart must be broken.

I've never heard of a Sparrow Group. What are they?

kaplods
01-14-2009, 03:32 PM
One thing to consider is that there is nothing at all in this situation that would imply that she would never be able to see or have contact with her family again. There's nothing about voluntarily terminating their parental rights, that would prohibit the girl and her family from having continued contact. That's not how it works.

My background in psych, social work, and law enforcement makes me think this is a purely financial decision (and does not inhibit contact in the present or future).

Firstly, a 17 year old is rarely "given up for adoption," generally if parental rights are terminated, voluntarily or otherwise, a 17 year old would normally be emancipated rather than put into the foster care system.


Secondly, giving up custody does not mean giving up care or contact. There's no law that will prevent the girl and her family from having current or future contact (unless their rights were terminated because of abuse - not because they voluntarily gave her up). Also, she's 17 - she knows their phone number and knows where they live, there's no reason to assume that she'll never see her family again.

This probably was done to become eligible for some funding. The hospital social worker may have even suggested it. Making her a ward of the state makes her eligible for medical care that the parents may not be able to provide, but it does not prevent them from having contact with her. It doesn't even prevent her from returning to their home when she's well enough to leave the hospital.

Also, as for not visiting - again if both parents are working and there are other kids in the household, they may not be able to spend much time with the girl - but they may have and may still be talking to her on the phone. There's no way to know, and assumptions can be dangerous and misleading.

I've actually encountered several families who gave up their parental rights so that their children could get proper care. I worked in a children's home for developmentally disabled children and probably half of the children were "wards of the state" because the parents "gave them up," and yet those same "horrible parents who gave away their children" visited regularly (some weekly, some monthly, some less frequently) and/or phoned either the children or if the children weren't verbal would call and talk to staff to see how their children were doing.

I also worked with families who gave up their children to the state and then gone through foster parent training so they could become foster parents to their own children, but recieve state funding for the care of their child.

willow650
01-14-2009, 03:49 PM
Can we back up a second here?

I'd never condemn a parent "giving up" on a sick child. But I would like to point out that we know nothing about the circumstances this family is in or what would cause them to take that kind of action. Particularly in the current economic climate, we have no idea what circumstances led them to their decision.

I know of a couple who were basically condemned of abandoning their child during medical treatments...they were both working two jobs trying to keep the medical benefits and make enough money to pay for her care, and so couldn't be at the hospital with her. To parents desperate to figure out a way to balance expensive medical costs, other kids at home who also need to be cared for and fed and taken care of, etc, this might be the only feasible option.

I'd never defend someone who actually said "Well, this kid is sick, so I guess we don't want her anymore". But I would hate for us to be sitting here judging these parents when we have no idea what they're going through that led them to the decision they made.

I hope that girl has people around her during this rough time, though, parents or otherwise...what a hard thing to go through alone.

My parents lived through this with my older brother. He as diagnosed with cancer at age 4 and given 6 weeks to live. My dad was a mechanic at a small radiator shop . They would have never considered abandoning my brother, no matter what. As soon as my brother was diagnosed, my parents insurance dropped them. Every dime of his care came out of their pocket. If those parents cared anything about their daughter they would do what ever it took to stay together as a family. My family was lucky, my brother did survive and my parents struggled for years paying off those bills, but they did it because the knew what was most important. Being there for their son and getting him the care he needed no matter what. So Yes I do condemn these parents for throwing their child away.

kaplods
01-14-2009, 03:57 PM
Again, I'm not sure these parents "threw their child away," as I've known many parents who had to surrender their child to the state in order to get the treatment or care the child needed, and it does not inhibit them from contact or often even continuing to live together. It's not at all uncommon for the parents to become their own child's "foster parents."

Ruthxxx
01-14-2009, 03:58 PM
We do not know all the circumstances.
I know this will ruffle feathers but I'm closing this thread before it becomes mean-spirited.