General chatter - Dating, and lack there of, and Family getting involved with "love life"




Smiling_Sara
01-11-2009, 06:58 PM
I'm not sure what to do....I am 30, never married, and have never had anyone to really call a boyfriend. I can count on 1 hand how many dates I have had in the past 10 years. Needless to say, men, and the idea of dating intimidates me and is scary for me bc my self esteem and self confidence is terrible. I have felt that if I am not comfortable in my body, how can I expect anyone else to be? This keeps me in and on the comp most nights and most weekends. I don't like the bar scene at all, the idea of going to one makes my stomach tie up in knots....I'm really not sure why, but it does, so I try to avoid it. Now, for the family problem, everyone in my family has someone who is over the age of 20. Except for me. I know my grandparents and everyone else means well. For the last 3 years my grandparents have been telling me they "have" someone for me that goes to their church. I know him a real tiny bit from around town, but not enough to just go up to him and introduce myself. I guess he is a real shy type of guy as well. This usually doesn't bode well with me, bc I am overly shy, and I can see two overly she ppl together, would be a lot of akward moments and very little talk. Anyway, everytime I see my grandparents ( which is often ) they remind me about this guy, and maybe we can meet at a restaurant with his grandparents ( my grandparents are friends with his grandparents ). Tells me to go to the grocery store where he goes on Sunday's after church and "run" into him.... Then today, my grandpa tells me, I should really go to church with him next weekend bc he found another guy for me. A real handsome guy, good singer, and he made sure he wasn't wearing a ring. I told politely I didn't think so, but they just have to say something to me every time I see them....which is at least a couple times a month. Other family does things as well, but they are the main ones.

How can I tell them nicely that I'm trying on my own ( which really I'm not ) but them pushing the idea really makes me feel bad about myself. Almost like they think I can't do this on my own. Which, maybe I can't, but I'd rather at least try then having them push someone on me....

Again, I know they mean well, and they just want to see me happy. I love them both so much and don't under any circumstances want to hurt their feelings but I'm really not interested in them trying to set me up.

Sorry for the long post, if anyone has any advice, I'm all ears on it. This is advice on what to tell my grandparents and other family members, or even advice on me being terrified of dating...


mags
01-11-2009, 08:28 PM
This may sound unsympathetic, but I'm kinda jealous. The message I have always, ALWAYS received from my family is that I will never have a partner. I would love for someone in my family to express the expectation that someone would be attracted to me/enjoy my company/love me enough to want to spend his life with me.

It's not even about weight--although I think that they would say that now. I got this message from them when I was in high school and college, even though I was well within the healthy range for BMI for my height. (Of course, my mother and my sisters always told me that I had an unattractive body then, too, just because my build is not like theirs. It was a shock to me when in college I met a guy who was convinced that I was VERY attractive.)

As far as your concern goes, no one can make you meet these guys, although I know that family members can put a lot of pressure on one, especially if you love the members in question. Can you be jokey with them, and tell them that you can't go to church because, oh, for example, you have a bikini wax scheduled/need to get your cat dewormed/have to defrost your freezer? After a while, they'd get the message to back off.

Or you could just tell them straight out that you are feeling uncertain about meeting these guys, especially when they (your grandparents) clearly have expectations that something will happen with one or both. (Actually, that'd be really funny--to suggest that just one isn't enough, so you want to make sure that both are amenable to a menage a trois. Then, you can ask your grandparents to check with the guys for you, just to save you some legwork. That would get them off your back for sure!)

Or you could agree to coffee with them, if your grandparents would set it up (putting the onus on them). It'd just be coffee, no pressure, 15 minutes (or so) out of your day for each one. And maybe you'd like one of them, even just as a friend. I know it's scary, but at least that way you could tell your grandparents, "Hey, I tried, and I didn't click with your guys, so let me handle my love life alone."

aneleh
01-11-2009, 08:44 PM
Hi Born to Fly! I'll stick my two cents in, if it helps at all. I understand the pressure you're getting from your family to date, and your not wanting to be 'fixed up'. Blind dates are always a little nerveracking. However, I do feel that you should make an effort to love yourself as you are now, because you are worth it! You don't need to lose weight to become comfortable and confident in yourself, you can start now. :hug: