Maybe this is just a hangover from PMS, but my husband is driving me up the wall. I was SO mad this morning at him for things that've just built up that I was TOO mad to work out, if that makes any sense at all. The anger just carried over to the bike and I couldn't sit still.
Why anger, you ask? Because my husband is seemingly becoming "single" again - at least when it comes to money and the house. You see, he has a younger brother who's 22 and still lives at home with his mom. He works full-time, and basically pays NOTHING - no bills, no food, no rent. Nothing. He can spend his money on anything he wants to, and has obviously been talking to my husband about buying a new dirt bike AND getting the old one they shared fixed so they can go ride them.
Up to this point, my husband has been pretty frugal with money. We don't have credit cards (except his Yamaha card, which he got to help his brother buy a golf cart that's paid for now), and his philosophy (which I've agreed with whole heartedly) has been that we're not going to get anything frivolous that we can't pay out of pocket for, at least until we've saved and started buying a house.
Until last night. The brother and the husband are going to go this weekend and buy a new $4,000 dirt bike using the Yamaha card. No consulting me, no questions asked. They're doing it, and I'll be helping pay for it from here on out.
This upsets me for so many reasons. We NEED things at the house we've not gotten because of saving money. We NEED new mattresses or a new bed. We NEED a new couch because the one we've got is falling apart. We've - or should I say I've - been doing without things that would make me happier or more comfortable because WE were supposed to be saving money.
I think more than anything, though, that I'm upset because he's acting like I'm not even there. I get no say in what we do with our money, obviously. It's like he's still single and can spend it on whatever he wants to with no consideration for my needs, wants or feelings about it.
And then around the house he's living like a single guy. Leaving his socks and clothes all over the floor for me to pick up. He won't pick up his glasses when he's done, and leaves empty cigarette packs wherever he happens to be when he gets the last one. This morning I got up to find he'd spilled an ashtray and just left it in the floor for me to get sometime today. It's like I'm his maid and not his wife.
We've only been married about 1 1/2 years....does this happen in every marriage?
01-07-2009, 09:14 AM
um, no. at least not in mine. you're not actually picking up his stuff, are you? because i'd put it in a pile somewhere he likes to be - wherever he usually sits in the living room, say.
have you talked to him about this?
01-07-2009, 09:21 AM
Not yet...it's just all kind of built up to this point, as of this morning after he left for work....I need to...
01-07-2009, 09:27 AM
You've really got to talk to him about these issues and not let them build up. Let him know you are not happy with him buying the bike and that his habits around the home are not acceptable to you. Whilst he may not change his mind or improve his ways at least he'll know your views on the matters. If you let him get away with these things he'll assume that silence is consent and it will only leave you frustrated.
01-07-2009, 09:30 AM
yeah I would put a halt to that and quick. You have to sit him down and discuss the money issue. Don't go in all aggressive but don't let him try to walk all over you either. Money is a top contender on why people get divorced.
As for the maid treatment, I agree piling it in his favorite spot. You are not his mama....you're his wife & if you weren't picking up after him like a child before then don't do it now. My DH tried that with me and I threw his stuff in the garbage ;) Then showed it to him when he got home....said some not nice things to what I thought about being his mama & he never did it again lol
01-07-2009, 09:46 AM
do you work?
sounds kinda radical but maybe it's time for separate checking accounts.
I used to think it was strange but my brother and his wife have 3 accounts,
his, hers and joint, and every payday they both put into the joint account enough to pay the house payment and the bills. Since the wife makes the most the leftover money is gravy and shopping money.
Before this they just could not agree on how the money will be spent.
Remind your husband that you are not the maid, waitress, or his personal assistant, and that he needs to clean up after himself.
Call the yamaha people and have your name removed from the account, so it's not yours.
Do you have savings? You should have at least 6 months living expenses saved in the bank untouched?
What about the down payment on a house, hard to get a mortgage these days.
Have you read up on Dave Ramsey or Suzy Orman and learned from their financial advice?
Been there, done that.
01-07-2009, 09:55 AM
Fabulous50Texas, I work full time. That's another issue...he's got a more physical job while I sit at a desk. To him, time at home is rest, and he thinks I "rest all day" at my desk, so I should do more...
We've paid off his truck and planned to save for a down payment on a house, with plans to start seriously looking for one over the summer. Maybe not now...
I guess a talk is in order, for sure...
01-07-2009, 10:07 AM
I suspect that his mother picked up after his dad and her two boys. He needs to learn that will not be done in this marriage. And all financial decisions need to be made jointly, if he wants to help his brother he should discuss it with you first. I would also suggest that you take over paying the bills then you will know where everything is going and you can take care of your family needs first. If he is the billpayer tell he him you would like to relieve him of the responsability, make it look like you will be doing him a favor.
01-07-2009, 10:22 AM
I would agree with others. If he wants to spend money as he wants without consulting you, then he needs to have his own spending account and you have your own.
My husband is the opposite in that he hates spending money to the point that I don't think he has bought anything for himself in maybe 6 years. We buy things jointly and if I think he needs something, I generally have to ask him or buy it for him.
01-07-2009, 10:32 AM
I am going to play the devil's advocate here. Does he really, really want the bike? There is so many things I have wanted and did not buy and I don't know if it really made that much difference in our household wealth. Granted a person can't go crazy but you only live once. Hopefully he has put a lot of thought into his decision and also considered your side of the situation but perhaps he wants it so bad he just feels it is worth it. I have been married forever (29 years!) and I get kind of annoyed when my husband goes on about things he doesn't have but feels he deserves. I get annoyed with myself for the same reason! Money decisions are a big deal. Hopefully you are both considering the other persons feelings.
On the leaving stuff around thing, I told my husband and kids whenever they leave a mess somewhere to please say outloud "here honey-you put this away." That caused enough guilt with my husband but my son doesn't mind at all!
Thighs Be Gone
01-07-2009, 10:40 AM
No way, it didn't and hasn't happened in my marriage. All I have is a big hug for you! Stay true to yourself and everything else will eventually fall into place the way it needs to for YOU. I'm so sorry.
ETA: I applaud your sound financial decisions with regards to credit cards and paying out of pocket. BRAVO.
01-07-2009, 11:33 AM
As far as him really wanting the bike, I think he does. In fact, had I been consulted on the matter, I most likely wouldn't have had a problem with it at all because I know riding these things is something he and his brother enjoy together, but haven't been able to do for years. At the same time, there are other things we need worse than a dirt bike we don't even have a place to store.
That sounds waaaaay petty of me, but I'm just afraid that if he does it NOW and gets away with it, then he'll do it again in the future on something bigger and more expensive, if that makes any sense.
01-07-2009, 11:49 AM
You are not petty. It is a pretty big purchase and it sounds like he had been supportive of saving for a house before this huge temptation introduced itself. I probably shouldn't have said anything. It's just that I'm old enough to be in a place in my life where I wish I had done some things differently. You are right that you should have been included in the decision for such a large purchase.
01-07-2009, 11:58 AM
Oh by the way. Now that I think about it, my husband did do something like this once. He bought a 52 inch TV without talking to me! I think it cost about $2500 at the time. Plus once he had the TV he had to have cable. Yeah believe it or not we didn't have cable until about 8 years ago! My grown kids still get mad at me now and then about how I deprived them of all those wonderful cable shows when they were little! I wasn't that mad because it was kind of fun to have a 52 inch TV but it is not something I would have agreed to. That's probably why he did it on his own. This thing is so big I made him put it in the basement!
01-07-2009, 12:04 PM
Terapet - My husband didn't have cable growing up and we cancelled our cable subscription a couple years ago. Best decision I ever made I think :)
01-07-2009, 12:46 PM
I think I could live without cable, though the husband might shrivel up and die without ESPN....
01-07-2009, 12:52 PM
You are not being petty in the least.
If he really, really wants a bike then he can really, really save up for it himself.
Now, I just got married only a few months ago so you can take this with a grain of salt, but the way we're working it so far is that ANY money decision over $100 is talked about. Things like food and necessary clothing don't need to be discussed, but we talked for a long time about a new tv & a new sofa.
In fact, that new tv has been talked about for more than a year and a half, because it was not a priority before we got married.
About doing things around the house, a physically demanding job probably does make him tired at the end of the day, but it doesn't mean he gets a free ride. He can certainly do SOMETHING.
For example, I do the laundry. (I choose to, I'm not working right now, and I don't mind it.) But, I don't pick up after the hub. If he wants something washed, I've told him it needs to be in the laundry basket. I won't go hunting for dirty clothes. And once it's clean I put it on the bed and he can put it away himself. And if it's dirty & just laying around.... well... it doesn't take long for him to pick it up :)
Assert yourself. Talk these things out now, if you hold onto them they'll only build up until you explode. :hug:
01-07-2009, 03:53 PM
Wow okay that sucks. I'd have been FURIOUS. Course I probably would have made him choose me or the bike lol!
Here is my story (btw been married 3.5 years):
When my husband and I first moved in together- 6 months before we got married I only worked part time while he worked full time. During that time I kept the house clean and made dinner and all he did was take out the trash. I had no problem with this because obviously he worked full time and I was home a full 4 hours before him!
Then we got married and after 4 months I got a full time job (FINALLY). Because of my hours I came home at LEAST 1.5 hours after he did- and when I would the house would be a MESS. He'd be sitting on his butt watching TV then ask me "what's for dinner?" We started eating out a lot cuz I was exhausted, then I'd clean and go to bed.
Finally one day I came home to another mess and I was PISSED- I was FURIOUS- how dare he sit on his BUTT then ask ME what's for dinner?!
As a side note- before this we rarely had any problems and didn't argue much.
I remember it clearly- that night he heats up a pizza and I tell him he needs to do his FAIR SHARE around the house- not help- because this was HIS mess too.
We start arguing- and I mean screaming at each other- he starts saying I'm nagging him- and so on. I am like wtf, how is it fair I have to do all this when I work just as hard as he does?
I told him flat out that this arrangement would not work out and that I expected him to do more than the trash from now on.
My husband is the kind of guy who needs time to think- so he actually left the house- me I was like whatever go calm down.
So like an hour later he comes home- I've cleaned already because I can't stand messes- and he says I'm right (no duh) and that he will do his share and just asked me to tell him what to do.
Now 3+ years later we don't have this problem- it took some time, but he started coming home and tidying up and tidying up after himself when he was done- I still made dinner but that's cuz I don't like BURNED food lol- but when it came time to do dishes he was right there rinsing and putting away the dry dishes.
Another thing I do is on the weekends we have a "cleaning day" where I say okay, we need to do laundry, clean the bathroom, change the pet cages, and whatever else" and we do it all and usually are totally done with the housework within 1-2 hours, well except for laundry. But it leaves us the rest of the day free to have fun.
As for the money- I say it's only fair YOU go buy YOURSELF something for four grand lol.
Okay no- but I think you need to tell him you are not happy with him just buying something for four grand without consulting you (specially in this economy) and that you do not want him to buy the bike. State the reasoning- it's not a good time- you guys are saving for a home- and so on- if his brother wants it so bad he can buy it. I would really be against him buying this bike and he should just tell his brother he realizes he has other things he needs to pay for so nm.
I nipped that stuff in the bud early because if I hadn't we probably would be divorced by now.
01-07-2009, 06:07 PM
I've been married for 4 years, and my hubby and I finally came to an agreement, that yes, we hate cleaning..but it has to be done. We pick up after ourselves, try to keep at least the living room clean. We do major cleaning every sunday. I don't work, so I really dont mind picking up after him when he leaves socks or whatever around. As for money..we decide on major things together. If he wants to spend a ton of money on something, then he knows to save up for it. The same goes for me too. BUT important things always come first. Fun stuff is always later. It took us 3 years to figure this stuff out (we got married young, and were having a fun time being young and irresponsible.) Things are so much more better now between us. A lot less fights now, which is sooo good, because we used to fight every other day. The first few years of marriage is really hard!!!
01-07-2009, 06:46 PM
I do think it is unfair. Here's a bit about my life to give you an idea. i've been married 2.5 yrs so far. When we were both working full time, we split cleaning and usually helped clean on our days off. Now i'm working full time and DH is in school. He does most of the cleaning and i do a lot of the cooking (i cook a lot of stuff to freeze on my days off and then heat it up). We have learned to help each other.
as for finaces. DH is definately more strict in that point. But it helped me. What we did...is sit down and figure out a budget (food, mortage bills etc)...we did this when we were both working too. We would put it all in one account but then using quicken..seperate it too our bills, savings and the x amount for each of our "personal spending". I think you and dh need to sit down and really have a talk about finaces. I agree it would be nice for him to do something with his brother..but i bet he could easily find a used dirt bike if he looked. yes he wouldn't have a credit card to use..but if he starts saving..he could probably save $$$ that way. But then in that sense..you guys need to come to agreements as to things needed around the house. I would really sit down and let him know how disappointed you are that he decided to do this without talking to you. Tell him its great you wanted to do things with brother but that we really need to sit down and start budgeting things so that you could buy a house.
01-07-2009, 06:59 PM
I would be really :mad:. It's a major decision and should have been discussed together. I agree with the person who said assert yourself, or you are setting a precedent that you will accept these types of behaviors. Marriage is a partnership, not a dictatorship.
01-07-2009, 11:50 PM
As a woman who hyphenated two very long last names...neither of which has the usual spelling...I definitely fall onto the, shall we say, liberated side of the line...although at this point, fifteen years later, I kind of wish I was liberated of one of my names...:)
Anyway, I hate, therefore, to admit that I do most of the cleaning. He helps, but I do most of it...I just got tired of the fact that he was willing to wade through more than I was, but if it gets too bad, I pile it up on the far side of the bed, his side, so you can't see it from the door of our room, and he has to either deal with it or crawl over it to get into bed. Works pretty well.
As far as money goes, we made a deal VERY early in our marriage, that any purchases over $100.00 would be discussed...that has increased to $250.00 as we have gotten more comfortable, but the principle is the same. Finances are shared in a marriage...and out of respect for a spouse, big purchases need to be discussed. I would insist that you have a conversation about this, and make a list together of things that you really need, and what you are saving for, etc. I am not saying he shouldn't get this bike if it really is a lifelong love, but he talks to you about it first, and you decide together.
As far as finances go, my husband and I have three checking accounts. His, mine and the joint. The paychecks get deposited into the joint, and then I distributed out our "allowances" for that pay period by transferring money into each of our "own" checking accounts (They are all joint, but we only use the ones designated for us). The main joint account then pays for bills, groceries, house payment, etc. At the end of the pay period, I leave a little buffer in that account, but anything left over goes into our savings account...and then, when that grows big enough, gets moved into our investment account or gets left in savings for the "big" things we are saving towards like the Digital Camcorder we got for Christmas.
You really need to have this conversation about what is OK, and that he needs to remember that you are now a "unit". It should happen sooner rather than later...don't let patterns set in for too many years or they will become extremely difficult to break.
RN BSN 2009
01-07-2009, 11:56 PM
yes. my husband's biggest thing now is getting an iphone. Cheeze but he will do things around the house.
01-08-2009, 12:13 AM
Oh no he didn’t!
Girl, I’d be yellin’ so hard the neighbors could hear me. But I’ve got a super big mouth & you know on 2nd thought that really doesn’t get me anywhere.
I’ve been w/ my DF for 8 years. Living together pretty much since day 1. We’ve been in our house for over 3 years now.
It is absolutely not fair for him to buy something like a dirt bike when you need new furniture or a new bed. Also, buying a house is the best thing a couple can do for themselves. That should be #1 priority before anything else.
And the picking up after him thing……don’t take it. Especially if you are both working full-time That was a constant battle in my house too. My fiancé & I have finally gotten sick of fighting about household chores & created a “chore chart” which is posted on the fridge. We alternate weeks & it’s working really well. This week I’m on dishes & he’s on laundry & taking care of the pets. Now I don’t hate him so much when he leaves a mess in the kitchen b/c he’s washing my underwear & scooping cat poop ; )
01-08-2009, 01:20 AM
I agree that you need to let him know how you feel. I think it is also important to make sure you do not approach him about it in anger. You very well may be, but I can tell you that it will not get you anywhere productive. Maybe if you think out what you are going to say beforehand it will help. Like " I know you and your brother are so excited about the bike, but I really wish you had talked to me before making that decision. I feel like you are saying....... Is that right? .....I know that you love me and want what is best for us......... " maybe something like that, with your words of course.
It IS very difficult to get everything sorted out in the beginning but IMO the key to that is a good line of communication.
DH still doesn't listen well all of the time, after 8 years. It has been much more effective for me to sweetly say "could you please pick up your socks" (or whatever) each time I notice it hasn't been done rather than to get angry, which I used to do.
01-08-2009, 05:13 AM
Definitely get a seperate account and if he wants to buy expensive things then at least you're not liable for it. Tell him how you feel and let him know why you have a problem, even if he doesn't understand at least he can't accuse you of not cummunicating about the problem.
DH and I have been together and living together for just over 8 years. We have a joint account for bills only and what he does with his money is his own business but he has no say in what I do with mine either. And he wouldn't DARE expect me to pick up after him anymore, he used to be very messy (as did I) but I got fed up with it and now if it's not in the laundry basket then I don't wash it, I'm happy to do these things on the basis that I don't have to chase after him and he knows that as does his part. We always cook, wash and clean together now.
01-08-2009, 08:45 AM
Thanks for all the advice, y'all!!!! I've got some thinking and some talking to do before his planned bike shopping trip on Saturday....
02-10-2009, 11:37 AM
My husband and I also agreed to the discussion for any purchase over $100. I would also have the cleaning and the money discussion at separate times. Don't want to overwhelm the man and just have it turn into a blow out with no progress. And remember, men respond well to kid gloves. If you start by" sweetie...snookums...I know you really want that bike, and I want you to have it, but I am really worried about the big expense right now. Have you really thought about how it will affect our finances? I am concerned it will delay our ability to get into a house." Approach it as a team concern, not an "me vs you."
This all from the person who gives in to anything if her husband pouts LOL
Also, is there a compromise .. can he get a used bike and fix it up?