Weight Loss Support - ever blow someone off for paying u a compliment on losing weight?




teawithsunshine
01-02-2009, 01:48 AM
Hi--

This is a strange post since I don't normally act THIS rude or anything.

Earlier today, I came downstairs to find my mother and a friend of hers talking about my weight loss, etc etc.

Keep in mind, I've never liked compliments about my weight loss progress from others unless its close friends of mine or from forums like threefatchicks ;)

I have to say, after asking my mother millions of times not to embarrass me about bragging to others in front of me about my weight loss, I finally lost my lid today and told her off - briefly & no cussing - with her friend present in the room that I did not appreciate her bragging about my weight loss to others.

I told her (all the while making sure her friend heard every word I said), that I felt embarrassed and uncomfortable every time she or her friends complimented me to my face about my weight loss. I also told her I was getting angry with her that she wasn't respecting my wishes after asking her for more than 2 years to not do that anymore.

Normally, I'd feel bad later on for being such a b*tch but today I felt good actually in telling her off. Normally, I don't like doing this, but I had just had my limit and just told her to stop.

I know she's a mom, she's proud of my progress, and this is what moms do, but I had reached my fill after more than 2 years of this. I don't think she'll stop doing it, but if it happens again in front of me, I fully intend to say the exact thing, so at least if it happens again when she has friends over they will at least remember not to say anything about my weight loss to my face.

I realize this post makes me look like the bad guy, but I had just had my limit today on compliments, ya know?


Schumeany
01-02-2009, 02:00 AM
Actually I do get it. I was at my mother's house this evening for a small get together, mostly family but with a few friends, and my mom would not stop talking about the fact that when we go walking together or shopping together men won't stop looking at me now. It drives me up the wall when she does this...I am 37, but it still drives me up the wall. There were a few men there who are not related to me, and it just felt soooo odd...like being under a microscope. I asked her jokingly to stop, but she kept talking about it. Like she is proud that her daughter, married 14 years and mother of three, is such a "hottie" now. I pulled her into the kitchen and talked to her about it for a bit, but she just didn't get it really. I adore my mom, but it drives me insane. Whenever I see her and she is with one of her friends, she always talks about my weight loss, what I am doing, what size I wear, etc....like I am a freakin' prize thoroughbred now or something. I KNOW she is proud of me and that parents live vicariously through their children...but it does get old sometimes.

ennay
01-02-2009, 02:12 AM
I am not comfortable with it either. Its hard for me to take compliments about anything but especially weight. I had told one friend how much I lost and it was hard for me to have a mutual 3rd friend say "Wow - So&so told me you have lost 50 pounds" But it wasnt like a secret.

She brags on my running too and that is hard for me, but maybe I need to work on ME being comfortable with praise. Especially since 90% of my weight issues are self sabotage...i.e. deep down do I feel I deserve this, etc. Maybe instead of being embarrassed I need to learn to step up and say THANKS, or as Shmeaney says...Why yes those are Size 4 jeans hugging my posterior today. Thanks for noticing! (ok, I slipped a bit and I am back out of the 4's)

It is painful for me to talk about my weight loss sometimes because I also think deep down I am embarrassed that I ever was heavy. Although I will bring it up with no embarassment. OH...I know. I feel embarrassed about it because there are other heavy women in the room usually and I dont want them to feel like I would be judging them for not doing what I did. I am hyper sensitive about making someone ELSE feel bad about their weight. My whole snarl thread wasnt about being defensive for MY sake, but being mama bear for other people who were struggling and being condescended to.


heather88
01-02-2009, 02:40 AM
I think that you just have to keep in mind that they mean well . . . My dad has been on my case about losing weight since i was 10!!! It is non-stop and I've just learned to accept it. I'm losing weight now, and I know that when it starts to be more noticeable he will be talking about it all the time to anyone who will listen. I don't like it, but luckily I don't live with him!

Schumeany
01-02-2009, 03:02 AM
Ennay, your Snarl thread has taken on a serious life of its own...it is really thought provoking.

2ndChance09
01-02-2009, 03:14 AM
I know what you mean. When I have lost weight in the past it got kind of old when people went on and on about how much weight I had lost. I don't know why but I just felt kind of offended. I was glad they were proud but I always felt like they only were proud and bragged about me when I was thin. It def. wasn't what I wanted to talk about all the time.

LindsayL0ve
01-02-2009, 05:02 AM
hmmm.....

I guess I'll stand out from the pack. I love it when people compliment me on my weight lose. I love being the center of attention, and when people notice me for something good that im doing for myself I LOVE it.

Im also kind of a coincided person. I know this is going to sound bad to say but I know Im pretty. I HATE HATE the fact that people think to be skinny is to be pretty and "fat" people aren't pretty. grrr...seriously.
I want to loss weight for many reasons. I want to live to be 100, I want to wear a bikini, and yes, to feel better about myself, because I DO have my fat days. And yes you can think you're pretty and want attention and still feel conscious about yourself.

does anyone else feel the same as I do?

2ndChance09
01-02-2009, 05:05 AM
^I think it is great you feel that way! I wish I had that kind of self confidence, sadly I am not quite there yet!

LindsayL0ve
01-02-2009, 05:07 AM
it took a while for me to feel that way, in all honesty. But your granted one body your whole life, so i figure love it through all of its ups and downs....
because your not getting anew one. and no matter how much weight you lose, you can gain it all back, so Love it big and same.
Because I don't think weight is an issue on how beautiful you are.

mxgirl737
01-02-2009, 06:07 AM
I definitely feel confident too. Always have. I love being the center of attention too. I have all the confidence in the world...but sometimes my self-esteem gets a little blow to it. I have days when I feel icky and not pretty, but I also understand that I'm just feeling that way. It's not truth. If I feel fat, I know I haven't put on 10 pounds over night, so it's just a feeling. It'll pass.

fatmad
01-02-2009, 06:45 AM
I think I don't want to draw attention to it in case of failure. Or having my weight rebound later.
Also, I want to be liked for me, and weight loss is for my health, not my personality.
I often don't see weight loss in friends, because I don't look at their bodies a lot, (unless we are working out or something), I look at their faces, and I see my friend, not a skinny or fat or inbetween person. unconditional friendship.

JayEll
01-02-2009, 07:37 AM
Yeah, I understand not wanting people talking on and on about your weight loss. I don't like that, either. On the other hand, losing weight is an accomplishment, and I do want people to notice that I've made a change. So... :dunno:

People don't know what to say or do. On 3FC we have folks who complain because no one says anything and others who complain because they get too much feedback.

I do think it's too bad that you called your mom out in front of her friend. :( It would have been better to do it in private, I think. But, what's done is done. Maybe she got the message this time.

Jay

Beautiful Ace
01-02-2009, 07:55 AM
Well, the only thing that's happened to me (still relatively new and haven't lost THAT MUCH) My sister moved to Alberta, and so my mom and her talk on the phone regularly, and me and her usually talk on msn via webcam chat. Well, my mom LOVES to tell my sister if I've lost another pound, or if I've lost another inch. LOL I almost want to stop telling my mom before I tell my sister, because I want to be the one to brag about it. SHE'S TOTALLY RAINING ON MY PARADE!

katiejames
01-02-2009, 08:08 AM
i love compliments :) i work in a machine shop with all men and it feels awesome when they tell you that your " lookin hot" and that you have a " nice a**" or even when the other girls i work with comment on how much weight i have lost ( this was in the past). i also WANT my fiancee and my children to please tell me how they think or feel about my weight loss... they are my cheerleading squad! lol.. the other day i whispered to my 9 year old son that i wanted a snickers bar and he said "noooo mom! you get a fat free pudding... you cant eat that." :) and he went and got me a pudding. i enjoy having my family and friends involved with this change of life for me. i hate it though when my mother has ANYTHING to say about my weight. good or bad. she is anorexic/bulimic and also has a terrible addicitons to laxitives... she is the first to say.. : katie you just got engaged and look at the weight you put on" or " nobody wants a fat girl" or "your thighs look big" she even told my 7 year old daughter to watch what she eats because she is getting chubby.... that is when i get pissed...

Beautiful Ace
01-02-2009, 08:14 AM
Wow, sorry to hear about your mom. I would tell her to keep her comments to herself around your daughter, she has no right! I know when my dad and step mom made comments like that to me when I was young, it really didn't have a positive effect.

nods
01-02-2009, 10:13 AM
Whoa. This just happened to me. In front of a group of family and friends. My husband...who is a brilliant man but might be clueless in social situations...over dinner...asked his obese sister and other friends..."how many pounds do you think nods has lost? go ahead...guess! really! guess!" He wouldn't let it go. I asked him twice nicely to let it go. I finally snapped at him. What did he say when we got home? "You didn't have to snap at me in front of everyone."

Really...like turning my wieghtloss in the jelly bean guessing game or a superbowl pool is totally fine.

How would he like if I would have asked with the same enthusiasm, "Guess how much my husband spent of PTSD therapy this year? Guess? Really!"

I will never understand why some one's changes in weight, particularly downward, become public discussion. When you gain weight, people whisper behind your back that you've let yourself go...and you become and object of shame. But when you loose weight, all you healthy food choices and hours of sweat at the gym become public property for some reason!

I know people are 'trying' to be nice and supportive and encouraging, but really. Its my body. I don't talk about your body's challenges in open forum, unless I have real, factual, supportive information to share (like, if you like your aerobics class, sign up for kickboxing) and I'm perfectly comfortable from the context of the conversation and your body language that you are accepting of this information and not annoyed.

katiejames
01-02-2009, 10:24 AM
it never does... i actually have an older sister who is the same as my mom.. she is 100lbs wet... i like to reverse the roll though and make a big deal on how awesome food is.. and eat a ton in front of the both of them and ask them how the thin life is treating them. they both have aged terribly too... i told my daughter that being fat is a state of mind.. and that she will always be thick ( slang for hips and butt) because she is shaped like me.. i also told her that grandma is sick too... so fat is as fat does! lol

TJFitnessDiva
01-02-2009, 10:39 AM
It depends on my mood and the person complimenting me. Overall I love the compliments but it's like beating a dead horse sometimes though & can make me a bit uncomfortable when it's brought up over and over by the same people. This coming from a girl that loves to be center stage lol

You can usually tell if a person is being genuine or meaning it as an insult. I usually let my temper loose on the person being fake & intending their "compliment" to be something to hurt me.

Lori Bell
01-02-2009, 10:58 AM
i love compliments :) i work in a machine shop with all men and it feels awesome when they tell you that your " lookin hot" and that you have a " nice a**" or even when the other girls i work with comment on how much weight i have lost...snip...

Oh yikes! I don't mind compliments, especially from my close family, because I've worked hard and I appreciate they notice, but I would have a VERY hard time dealing with what you just described. WOW, if a guy at work told me I had a nice a$$, I would feel very uncomfortable. Not only is that rude, but it is sexual harassment and against the law.

keemster
01-02-2009, 11:20 AM
Sometimes I feign ignorance. "Oh really, you think lost weight? Thanks, I guess. :)" Even though I know full well that I worked hard to lose weight. I'm not quite sure why I do it. I suppose I'm just embarrassed for gaining weight in the first place, and I don't want to seem to desperate to lose weight.

dominodreams
01-02-2009, 11:22 AM
i completely understand what you're talking about. i definitely understand how all that attention can get overwhelming and embarassing.

my situation has been similar, but different still. Before I started *trying* to lose weight, whenever people complimented me on how I looked I'd completely brush them off. I'd say thank you (though it took a long time - at least 20 years - to figure out how to take compliments on my physical appearance gracefully) but I'd actually respect them less because I *knew* they were just blowing smoke up my butt. I knew I hadn't lost any weight, and I even gained weight, so I knew they were just saying things.

Now that I'm trying to lose weight I appreciate people noticing because it means I'm doing something right, but I don't like attention. My parents, though they never gush about my weight (they're very private and brag about my graduation or my job but not about things as personal as my weight), explained very clearly how I look so much better this Christmas than I did the last time I visited last Christmas. That meant something real because I know my parents - especially my dad - do not lie to me about stuff like that.

Schumeany
01-02-2009, 12:28 PM
Oh, don't get me wrong. I like compliments -- as long as they are not crude or inappropriate, and I love being the center of attention. I have stupidly high self-confidence, and I am a very extroverted person...but that was true before I lost the weight as well. And I am not an idiot, I know I am attractive and that by society's standards that is more true now than it was before. But it is the "public property" quality that bothers me...I guess the objectification of ME. Yes, men stare at me at the mall, but they are not really staring at ME...they are staring at my physical attributes. They don't know ME. So, I get irritated when my mom talks about the male attention or talks to her friends endlessly about my size...because it is like I am defined by how much I weigh...in essence that somehow the prominence of my cheekbones and how my a$$ looks in my jeans is the make or break of my worth as a person. That is an overstatement, of course, but it FEELS that way...and while I am very proud of my weight loss, there is a whole lot more to me than the loss of 49 pounds.

kiki100
01-02-2009, 06:16 PM
Schumeany, I can understand that. My whole life I've let my self worth depend on my weight. If I'd gained than I was valued less. As I lose weight I'd like to think I could end that see-saw effect and let something else dertermine my self worth. In effect, I'd like to leave that old person and the bad habits that attributed to my weight issues behind.

junebug41
01-02-2009, 07:07 PM
Nope, while you may feel bad about being upset, I would have been upset, too. People are welcome to pay me a compliment or comment to my face, but I hate overhearing people gossiping about me- good or bad.

The day before my wedding I overheard the wife of the best man and the wife of one of DH's friends gossiping about me and I was incredibly upset. It wasn't even really derogatory, just.... I dunno.... tacky? Poor taste?

Hopefully your mom will understand how serious you are about this and respects your boundaries!

Thighs Be Gone
01-02-2009, 07:25 PM
It makes me feel odd too. I was fat for so long, I ceased getting any compliments and now when I do, I stand there like a deer in the headlights. There is also a little voice in my head saying "I'm still fat and still need to lose weight." This past Sunday we were visiting in-laws I haven't seen in more than a year. I decided to wear my low-rise jeans, cute pumps and a form fitting shirt w/plunging neckline and just really go all out with it. They kept making comments and I just wanted to run as fast as I could to get my sweatpants and sweatshirt and house slippers. What was I thinking? I knew I wasn't ready for that!

gkalphabeta
01-02-2009, 07:32 PM
So here's my take on it:

From your mother's perspective she is SO proud of you! She wants to tell everyone about how much you have accomplished and is so greatful that you're turning your life around. A mother's proudest achievement is always her child(ren) and she wants to scream it to the world how wonderfully you're doing.

From your perspective you are not exactly where you want to be yet with your weight loss (you're not at your goal weight). You probably still feel like you have a long way to go. I know that previously when I have lost weight but have not reached my target, and people compliment me, it almost is like a "mental okay" to "throw in the towel" and call it good. That's personally why I get upset when people tell me that I look great and ooh and ahh over my weight loss. Maybe that's why you're getting upset? Maybe not, but that's what happens to me. I figured this out a few months ago when I was really shrinking but not yet where I wanted to be...hopefully my little "lightbulb" moment can help you too!

Ija
01-02-2009, 07:35 PM
I think the best kind of compliment is one that's short and sweet.

"You look great, good job."

Lately I've become extremely frustrated with my family for talking about little else besides my weight. It literally has been nonstop weight loss chat ever since I came home for the holidays. My aunts are especially bad, and my parents encourage it by bragging about me every chance they get. On top of this, they hover over me every time I enter the kitchen and watch me like a hawk when I cook. Every bite I eat apparently deserves a comment.

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad they're proud of me, but sometimes I just want to go about my day without being confronted every 5 minutes about my weight.

k59violets
01-02-2009, 07:41 PM
I just signed up, and your post was the very first that I saw. People who don't have issues with food/weight don't relate to these compliments as abusive, but they are, in the sense that they violate your boundaries and make open discussion of your body okay. I think LOTS of people would relate to your discomfort at having your body discussed, especially against your wishes, and would empathize with your clear communication with your mother. I certainly do.

Gigi
01-02-2009, 07:52 PM
I like it because it reinforces all the work I have been doing. If other people can see it, it just tells me that I'm going in the right direction. Don't get me wrong, I do blow them off sometimes because it is embarassing and I don't handle compliments very well, but deep down inside I'm proud of myself because I know I've been working very hard and it's starting to pay off.

Ufi
01-03-2009, 01:09 PM
I'm not sure she talks about it all the time only because she's proud of you. I mean, really, why does she feel the need to talk about it all the time? Doesn't she have other things to talk about?

Surreality
01-03-2009, 10:13 PM
I hate it when people comment on my weight loss, so I can sympathize. Weight loss is very private to me, and commenting on my loss makes me feel embarrassed that I weighed more to begin with.

chunckymonkey
01-03-2009, 10:50 PM
I have (2) 20 something children and both felt that way about me at one time or another. This stuff happens in all families. I just don't want you feeling bad for handling it the way you did - should it happen again - and believe you me it may - you may decide to act differently. Speaking your mine is never a bad thing no matter what your feelings are telling ya. :hug:

georgiad
01-04-2009, 03:39 PM
I too stand out from the pack in that when I lose weight I live for the compliments! They keep me motivated, remind me of my achievements and make sure I don't muck it up and gain the weight back (except that I did last time, d'oh!)

One of the major reasons for wanting to lose weight atm is that I'm at university away from home and I can't think of anything more amazing than going four months at uni and then coming home 2 or 3 stone lighter and everyone going 'wow omg you're so thin now etc etc etc' and then spending summer at home, 5 months away from uni and going back again having lost maybe another 2 or 3 stone on top of that and having it all again. Especially being in a situation where I go several months at a time not seeing certain friends means that the changes are really noticeable which motivates me so much more.

amy180
01-09-2009, 01:22 PM
Sometimes I feign ignorance. "Oh really, you think lost weight? Thanks, I guess. :)" Even though I know full well that I worked hard to lose weight. I'm not quite sure why I do it. I suppose I'm just embarrassed for gaining weight in the first place, and I don't want to seem to desperate to lose weight.
I've done the same, I think because I just want to change the subject. It's just that weight, whether gaining or losing, is a sensitive subject to me and I'd rather not talk about it, usually, unless I bring it up myself.

Once my grandmother visited me after not seeing me for a while and I was at my lowest weight, around 135 or 140, and she said" gee you've lost a lot of weight!" I think last time she'd seen me I was about 160. I just said, "I dunno, I had the flu pretty bad" which was true, but I lost the weight due to exercise. I usually come up with some excuse to change the subject because it makes me uncomfortable. I avoid scales because half the time, I don't even want to discuss weight with myself.

mayness
01-09-2009, 02:26 PM
I think that what you told her was the perfect thing to say.. it expressed your frustration and explained what you want from her, without being mean. Now, obviously, saying it in front of her friend isn't ideal... but I can understand how you got that upset and hopefully your mother will understand as well.

:hug:

anneelk
01-10-2009, 10:19 AM
It bothers me depending on how people word it.

I went home at Christmas, and the last time people had seen me, I'd been about 175lbs. One of my friends said, "You look amazing- last time I saw you you looked a mess". He didn't mean it to sound bad, but I wanted to punch him.

What bothers me about the compliments is that it makes me feel that I was unworthy when I weighed more. That I wasn't pretty or whatever. It pisses me off that now I *deserve* to be told I look good, or something.

And people always said they were concerned for my health when I was 175lbs. Well- to be blunt- losing over 50lbs in six months isn't healthy. Why no concern then? Is it okay to be unhealthy in the name of slimness?