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Optical Goddess
12-31-2008, 09:25 AM
I have no clue where to put this post, but it's a question I really would like to shed a light on.

There was a thread reffering to a study done that shows that larger women have sex more than smaller women.

For me, I've always been more confident when I was smaller and had a more fit physique than when I was larger. Always.

Is this normal? It's very difficult for me to 'get into the moment' when I can feel my fat body as I move around or whatever. It's not even how large I am, it's feeling my body, my stomach 'swinging' as I move.

If you are /were what was considered a 'large' woman, how do you find the confidence?

Seriously, this plagues me. I know our sex life would improve if I did what I want to do ( be more adventerous, initiate more ), but I just can't bring myself to do it. I want to feel sexy, I want to rock his world, but I just can't bring myself to do it.

This next year I'm going to dedicate it to myself and make my body what I want it to be. I might even be 'hot', but what do I do now?

As i said in a different thread- I'd get my nipples pierced before i let my husband see me in a thong.

Edit: Mods, if this needs to be moved or if it's not proper to have on the board, you can move it or delete it but I figured if _anyone_could answer my questions, it'd be you guys.

Thank you so so so much!!


midwife
12-31-2008, 09:39 AM
Most guys really really like sex.

I would go so far as to say, most guys far prefer an enthusiastic partner with a few extra pounds rather than someone with a "perfect" body. I'll tell you what, I see a lot of women's bodies and NO ONE has a perfect body anyway.

You can rock his world with the body you have right now.

It's easy for me to say "Delight in your physical self. Marvel in the miracle that you are" and I understand it might be hard to make those thoughts into reality. But I think at some point it is a mental game.

Sometimes there is a negative message that we replay in our brains. I'm not sure where it comes from.....it's probably very individual. I was raised with the message that I was a worthless mistake and could never do anything right. I know that is ridiculous and I have moved past it---mostly. Until I was lifting weights and struggling and I found myself thinking "I am such a wimp." Wow, where did that come from? I was working hard. Not a wimp. Tough. Improving. Progressing. Trying. All fabulous things, yet this message snuck through.

You may have messages sneak through into your head about your body, your belly, other things that make you feel uncomfortable. Perhaps try to replace those messages the instant thay sneak in with positive messages. "I'm hot. I'm extraordinary. I'm sexy. I'm built" etc.....Try to change that self talk.

I guarantee he will be having a good time.

TJFitnessDiva
12-31-2008, 09:44 AM
It's all about confidence no matter the size.....I have a fantastic sex life but then again my husband has been with me since the 10th grade & has seen me at my thinnest & heaviest. We are so at a different level of intimacy than we were before because of just living life.

When I was thin I thought I was fat....all. of. the. time. I was also in my early 20's so I wasn't as mature as I am now (don't let me lie...I'm still a goofball lol)

I love myself now...lol a little too much but that's why I'm losing weight. It's the greatest gift I could give myself :)


willow650
12-31-2008, 09:49 AM
Hum, well this may not be everyone's answer but when I have a hard time getting in the mood because I am self conscious and too focused on me, I have hubby makes us a couple of drinks. We get silly and play games. Like a couple weeks ago, we started our playing a board game, had a few drinks and it turned into my very first game of strip poker and hubby took me right on the dinning room table...LOL (sorry for the TMI) I thought that was kinda awesome since we have 3 kids and been married for 10yrs. When I drink, i REALLY like sex and my body issue just don't come to mind. Now don't get me wrong, I don't have to be drunk every time we have sex, but I cant tell you its not nearly as exciting.

PhotoChick
12-31-2008, 09:50 AM
Sign my name to what midwife said.

Sex is 90% (or more) mental, for men and women. I met my guy at my highest weight and we've always had a great sex life - because he knows I *like* sex. I like it, he likes it and that's what we think about - how great it is when we're together.

That doesn't mean that I don't get self conscious sometimes or really dislike one part of my body or the other. But ultimately none of those things are going to stop me from having sex and by the time we're together and into it, those things have faded from my mind.

.

amber961
12-31-2008, 10:13 AM
Speaking as a woman who still has over 100 lbs to lose, I can say that my hubby and I have a fantastic sex life. It really is more mental than physical, epsecially for men. If you are even the slightest bit interested, it is a huge turn on for him. When my hubby and I started dating, I was a size 16/18. After 12 and a half years, two kids and my expanding waist line (my heaviest was 333, today I'm 279) our sex live has only improved, because I never have let my weight or body image issues get in the way. He has always been willing to do anything at all to satisfy me and I am the same way with him. We are both very open with each other and enjoy each other and he really does not care what weight I am. He flirts incessantly with me and tells me every day that I'm sexy and makes me feel that way, too.
Enjoy your body, no matter the size and by all means, let him, too!

JulieJ08
12-31-2008, 10:35 AM
Wow, some great replies. You might try finding some pictures of some voluptuous women and look at them EVERY DAY. It may take a little while, but if you see them enough, you start to see the beauty. I can't tell you how good it feels when you realize you've lost that critical / demanding view of women's bodies. It's like a the earth shifts on its axis ;)

Thighs Be Gone
12-31-2008, 10:37 AM
I have to say I have felt "sexy" at both weights. My partner doesn't stress on the weight issue though so I never felt insecure. If he ever did stress me, I would shut it down like Montgomery Wards.

Schumeany
12-31-2008, 11:34 AM
I have always felt sexy, thinner or heavier, and I think it helps that I have been with my husband since we were 19 so he has seen me at all kinds of weights. When I was heavier there were, of course, things I was a little self-conscious about, but we have had, through it all, a very healthy sex life. I will say, however, that we have been having more sex...like every day, like mad weasels...since I lost the weight. But the thing is, I am pretty sure that is coming from me -- I don't think his interest has changed. If I offer he will pretty much take it anytime, anywhere and "Thank you, Ma'am!" :)...but that has always been the case. I, however, do feel even more self-confident right now than I used to, and I think that makes me even more adventurous and interested than usual...Willow the kitchen table is nuthin'! :devil:

So, I will not say to you that you will get COMPLETELY passed feeling a little self-conscious, I never managed it completely either, but, really, looking at your guy, does he care or does he pretty much want it ALL THE TIME...as much as you'll give especially if you are making clear that you are having a really good time? The opposite sex is more "hard-wired" in this regard...biologically more hard-wired I think. In their world, Naked Female enthusiastically offering access = very good thing.

So release that inner Sex Goddess!

4star
12-31-2008, 01:36 PM
Women always look in the mirror to critique themselves, judging IF they look good. According to studies, what a man percieves during a sexual encounter is only the good stuff. Their minds focus on the arousing parts and basically blur out the parts non-essential to sex. (I would venture to say this is probably true for any relationship that makes it to this level of intimacy but that study was limited.) The short of it, when you're in a sexual encounter, he's not gonna try to ruin that for himself :D...if your mood isn't right, that's what he's most likely to feel. So just be who you are and know that he loves you. Then get to getting freaky with confidence! He'll give you rave reviews!!! ;)

JustWes
12-31-2008, 02:09 PM
AMEN to midwife. As a guy I could care less that my ex-wife had put on a weight. Love is physical as well and showing your partner that you want him or her is the sexiest thing on the planet. The best sex I ever had was with a heavier woman that I loved and was very much into to me. Let yourself go wild and have fun (psst its supposed to be fun). The great part is you get to practice to get it right.

Wes

Most guys really really like sex.

I would go so far as to say, most guys far prefer an enthusiastic partner with a few extra pounds rather than someone with a "perfect" body. I'll tell you what, I see a lot of women's bodies and NO ONE has a perfect body anyway.

You can rock his world with the body you have right now.

It's easy for me to say "Delight in your physical self. Marvel in the miracle that you are" and I understand it might be hard to make those thoughts into reality. But I think at some point it is a mental game.

Sometimes there is a negative message that we replay in our brains. I'm not sure where it comes from.....it's probably very individual. I was raised with the message that I was a worthless mistake and could never do anything right. I know that is ridiculous and I have moved past it---mostly. Until I was lifting weights and struggling and I found myself thinking "I am such a wimp." Wow, where did that come from? I was working hard. Not a wimp. Tough. Improving. Progressing. Trying. All fabulous things, yet this message snuck through.

You may have messages sneak through into your head about your body, your belly, other things that make you feel uncomfortable. Perhaps try to replace those messages the instant thay sneak in with positive messages. "I'm hot. I'm extraordinary. I'm sexy. I'm built" etc.....Try to change that self talk.

I guarantee he will be having a good time.

tamaralynn
12-31-2008, 02:47 PM
Words from a man ;) Thanks Wes!

Schumeany
12-31-2008, 03:01 PM
There you go...out of the horse's mouth. ;) Thanks for the male input!

bosoxfan
01-04-2009, 10:57 PM
I don't think my husband cares about my size, but when I'm up or down it definitely affects my attitude about myself, and therefore my mood and interest level.

kelly315
01-04-2009, 11:02 PM
Hmm... as far as sex drive goes, I think mine was slightly higher when I was under 200, but I don't really know if it was too much of a difference.

kaplods
01-04-2009, 11:15 PM
Caution TMI ahead:

Hubby and I were both VERY nervous about our first nekkid time, because we're both large folks and we were even larger when we met. But, the thing is, clothes don't usually cover up nearly as much as we think it does. It wasn't like we were going to take our clothes off and the other person was going to be shocked "oh, my gosh, you're fat... I had no idea, why didn't you tell me."

A sense of HUMOR helps alot, really. Nothing is sexier than having fun. Once, at band camp... sorry couldn't resist, no it wasn't at band camp, but with my husband I brought Crayola waterproof markers into the bedroom and we drew tattoos on each other wherever we wanted. Hubby drew little puzzle pieces on my giant tummy and I drew (a teddy bear, I think) on his rump. Sorry if this is TMI - but it's cute and sexy when you weigh 110 and gross and nauseating at 300 plus, right? Well, we had fun with it anyway.

I was really nervous, because in my head it sounded like fun, but after I explained the games "rules" I immediately regretted it and thought "Geez, he's going to think I'm a humongous, giant (in both senses of the word) dork" - and I think he did, but luckily he apparently finds humongous, giant dorks attractive.

Getting comfortable with your body is a lot like weight loss itself, you do it by well doing it. You "act as if," and "fake it 'til you make it."

garstar
01-04-2009, 11:52 PM
This is some great advice, I've been struggling with the same thing to - I just have to find that confidence!

Lovely
01-05-2009, 08:15 AM
This is a board full of "TMI's" but I'll just give a TMI heads up in case.

I've always been pretty okay with myself. Perhaps that comes from a lifetime of looking at hand-mirrors.

But after being with a couple of guys who didn't notice that I wasn't supposed to like having sex since I was fat, I realized that I just have to feel sexy and let my guy know that I want to have sex... in order to have it. (Wow, long-winded.)

The best thing for me: lingerie. I love how confident it makes me feel. And a good, hot bra really helps to boost things. It's a little naughty to say "Ah-ah, can't take that off." This doesn't mean I'm never in the buff when we have sex, but lingerie can often give me the confidence to get in the buff.

Believe me, the hub finding me attractive even when I bend over in sweat pants & a giant t-shirt does help, but when I try on that new corset... nothing can stop me.

MindiV
01-05-2009, 08:18 AM
It's about confidence, totally. I'm one of those women who was SUPER confident when I was bigger. I wanted to do it more than my husband, and he couldn't keep up.

Now, 80 pounds lighter...I never want to. I won't be completely naked in front of him, and rarely get in the mood. Part of that may be a change needed in my birth control (hormones screwed up and all). But I know I'm nowhere NEAR as confident now as I used to be...