Weight Loss Support - ever feel great on weight loss & then a family member ruins it?

12-20-2008, 05:24 AM

Today was in a sense supposed to be a GREAT day for me: I was in the restroom at work this morning and noticed that my saddlebags are shrinking! :cool: Yippie, less FAT on my thighs/hips!

I went home feeling great about this, exercised on the treadmill, etc.

Then a family member barged in the kitchen/living room and just started b*tching about herself all night and just sucked the optimism right outta the room.

It felt like my day was shot and I didn't feel great anymore about my personal self-accomplishments. I probably will again tomorrow when I go out to the movies and see friends.

Anyone ever have a day like that? :(

12-20-2008, 06:54 AM
I'm of two minds about people like that. On a good day, I hope they don't realise what kind of effect they have on a larger group. That their down can be spread around so easily.

In a persnickety moment, I wonder if it's not a control issue. "I can change the entire atmosphere in this room!"

Either way, I don't know what to do about it. I know I should be in charge of how I feel but I'm influenced just like you.

Shannon in ATL
12-20-2008, 11:46 AM
I have had them a lot lately... I was holding pretty strong when the people for a while with my mom and her directed comments about her negative views of my weight loss, now DH has started expressing his frustration over his lack of weight loss in such a way that it is making me feel guilty about my current weight and fitness level. (It started out with him just depressed and out of sorts, making it hard to be happy around him. Has become him making comments about my current fitness level being part of what is making him depressed and out of sorts, because he is resentful of it.) I'm not holding as strong on it right now. I've actually had three pretty bad days over it. I wish I could figure out how not to be influenced. If you figure it out, let me know! :hug:

12-20-2008, 03:50 PM
Here's the thing - why are you letting some one else's complaining about themselves erase YOUR good feelings about YOUR progress. It's not even like she told you that *you* looked fat or pooh-pooh'ed your progress.

You say that this family member "ruined" your great feeling about how well you'd done. But the truth here is that YOU ruined your great feeling.

I totally understand that when people around you are negative, it's easy to get sucked into that mindset. I posted here many months ago about having to step away from a friend because she was always complaining about things and that it was starting to rub off on me.

But the bottom line is that only YOU can "ruin" your progress or your feelings about yoru progress. You are in charge of your feelings and you can't let what other people feel about themselves to influence what you feel about YOU.

Edit: Reading back over this I think it comes across a bit harsh, and I don't mean it to be. I just don't understand how someone else complaining about *their* issues makes you feel bad about yourself. I really do think that in this case that you have to learn to not take things personally - especially things that have nothing to do with you. :)


12-20-2008, 03:55 PM
I'm with PhotoChick - she did not directly ruin your elation regarding your accomplishments :)

A lot of people are just really into themselves. By "into themselves", I don't just mean full of themselves, but rather too consumed with their own thoughts on their bodies to notice anyone else. This particular family member probably had no idea that she even ruined your good mood. Most of the time, when people do selfish things, they are clueless about the impact they have on others.

Her issues are her own to deal with, not yours. She may have even started whining about herself because seeing your weight loss accomplishments reminded her of things she would like to fix about herself. People often get envious and negative when they see others succeeding.

All you can do is try to be the best you can be and remember all the accomplishments YOU have made. No one can take those away from you! :hug:

12-20-2008, 06:46 PM
My sister. But i didn't let her this time.. She said to me a month ago when i went to see her "Yeah you've lost some weight but you're still fat" .

Someone obviously doesn't want me stealing her thunder.

12-20-2008, 10:17 PM
Well I say let people like that fuel you even more... The important thing is you look better to yourself... you were self inspired to work out even harder... Do you know what that means? Your on a roll now... Keep up the good work... Your the only one that matters... Just remember that ad you will be just fine.
Good Luck

Bikini Ready
12-20-2008, 10:41 PM
My friend and Ihad this conversation today, what a coincidence. We came to the conclusion that if we are succeeding at something that makes us happy then who cares what other epople think or say about it directly or indirectly.

My sister is very passive agressive about it similar to jahjah's sister's comment. She shows her insecurity by putting me down. My mom is "happy" for me but constantly telling me I'm getting too small, my hip bones are sticking out, etc. Other people tell me I work out too much or need to eat more...

I realize that a lot of the negativity is not meant to hurt me but a round about way to make them feel better. Instead of taking their rants or comments to heart I'll pull the "but I'm happier, feel better and still the same person" bit. Sometimes it's best to just shrug it off and move on, sometimes people just have bad days.

You can also be the annoyingly happy person (which is fun) and start singing "don't worry be happy"...

12-21-2008, 05:10 PM
Remember that you're not obligated to listen to her the entire night. You have the right to own your own time. You were focused on yourself and she came and demanded that you focus on her and her life. You don't have to give into her demands and lose your entire day to her.

12-21-2008, 11:55 PM
Ive actually had a family member poke my belly to see if i really did lose wait or i was somehow "hiding" it .. i mean really??! lol

RN BSN 2009
12-21-2008, 11:59 PM
don't let others emotions control you.

12-22-2008, 07:57 AM
The striking thing about this quote to me is that the person didn't attack teawithsunshine, her weight, her weightloss etc, she just talked about herself.

Then a family member barged in the kitchen/living room and just started b*tching about herself all night and just sucked the optimism right outta the room.

It is unpleasant I agree, but maybe she was having a bad day and needed some support! Plenty of us come here when we are unhappy, depressed, angry and complaining, but it doesn't seem unreasonable to turn to someone who presumably loves you.

Tea, maybe you could have offered some support and then gently changed the subject. My nickname at home is often Polly, short for Pollyanna because I am known as an optomist. I have found however, that folks need to have their gut heard before their head can listen.

The other alternative however is to excuse yourself and go elsewhere. Meanwhile you can feel sorry for them, remembering how lucky and happy you are!

12-22-2008, 11:48 AM
You've got the power--just walk out of the room. There are people who would gripe if you hung 'em with a new rope! ROFL

12-22-2008, 12:04 PM
I do not allow people to come in and just b*tch....negativity like that is well known among friends and family not to be tolerated by me. Especially if it's about themselves....I *hate* hearing people put themselves down.

Now if it's a real problem they know they can (and will) come to me.

I know what you mean though....stuff like that can suck the life out of you!

12-22-2008, 01:39 PM
My mom got to me the other week. She asked how the weight loss was going and I told her that I had just hit 30 lbs lost. Instead of being encouraging, she just told me not to get too skinny, she was worried I'm going to lose too much weight. She's always been pushing me to lose weight, but once I actually got off my rear and started doing it, she back-pedaled a bit. It seems she's more supportive of the idea of me losing weight than the reality of it. She's been complaining for 6 months about the 5 lbs she needs to lose.

I've already revised my final goal because of her. :?: I initially was going to aim for 140 lbs which I thought would be a good weight for my height, but she started going on and on about how that was just too small for me. So now I'm aiming for 150, which she still thinks is too low. Once I get to GW, then I'll evaluate how I feel and look, and see if I want to keep going or if I'm happy there.

I've gotten past her little comment now, but it really blindsided me at the time. That's when I realized that whenever she asks about my weight loss, she has something negative to say about it. :(

12-22-2008, 02:01 PM
Aw, I'm sorry that happened. I hope next time you're able to shrug it off better, but it is hard!

I wanted to say something to you, Kestrel
My mom got to me the other week. She asked how the weight loss was going and I told her that I had just hit 30 lbs lost. Instead of being encouraging, she just told me not to get too skinny, she was worried I'm going to lose too much weight.

I think sometimes when people lose weight, family members and friends are used to seeing us a bigger size so "normal" or even less heavy can seem like too much weight loss. Their brains need time to adjust, just like our brains! Maybe you just need to not talk about your weight for a while with your mom. When she asks how you're doing just say something like you're doing well or eating healthy instead of giving her a number.

12-22-2008, 03:27 PM
Kestral: I was wondering if maybe your mom is a little worried that she said too much about you needing to lose weight. You hear about the moms that pressure their daughters into eating disorders and I know I worry about that even with my boys. Maybe you could reassure her that you just want to be healthy.
teawithsunshine: I am really affected by others moods, too. It's hard not to be. It's frustrating when you are feeling so good. All you can do is try to lift their mood and move on. You should be proud of your progress though!

12-22-2008, 03:36 PM
I was slender (bordering on underweight) growing up, and stayed that way until I was about 19. I put on weight quickly and stayed that way throughout my 20s and mid-30s, so she's had 15 years to get used to me being overweight so I expect that's part of it. She was supportive until I got to the point where we were wearing the same size pants, then that seemed to be the "end point" in her mind. Since then I've just not discussed the issue with her anymore, I think that's just the easiest way to go. I think she was interpreting my successful weight loss with being disparaging of her battle with the 5 lbs she wants to lose, which it was not at all. So, like politics and religion, it will just be another topic that we don't discuss. ;)

My battles with my weight have made me very conscious about setting a good example with food for my 3 children, but not making a big deal about the fact that I'm trying to lose weight. I don't want them to see me obsessing with the scale, and we focus on which foods are good for our bodies and why (this has protein, this has vitamin A, this has healthy fats).