Weight Loss Support - How does your spouse/significant other fit into your weight loss plan?

12-19-2008, 12:29 AM
I'm wondering if anyone else is struggling with the same issue that I am. I have lost about 50 lbs and am feeling really good about the changes I have made in my life. I even ran my first marathon this year. My husband has been supportive about the changes I've made but isn't really interested in making changes himself. This has cause some challenges as far as what to have for dinner, what kind of activities we can do together, what we do with the kids, etc. I worry about the health of my family and especially the health of my husband. He has signs of weight-related illnesses. He is sometimes willing to go on walks, but this usually results in foot pain. He has sleep apnea. If we try to go on a hike or bike ride he has breathing problems or what he calls "weird heart palpitations". I scheduled a dr visit for him to follow up on these issues and the dr didn't do much other than send him to a sleep clinic for the sleep apnea. I'm seriously worried about his health and when I try to talk to him about it he doesn't seem to take me very seriously, but just waves me off. Tonight he said he would make dinner and he wanted to make cheesy meatloaf with macaroni and cheese. I told him I wouldn't eat the mac & cheese so he asked what I would make. I told him I'd probably either make quinoa or whole grain pasta with some seasonings. I also suggested that maybe we should have some vegetables and he decided to make one of those single serving Green Giant corn packages for the whole family to share. I don't want to be a total b**** about it, but I work really hard to maintain my loss and am not quite where I want to be yet. He gets really annoyed about making separate meals and I would like to find a happy medium. I'm seriously at a loss about how to talk to him about this. A few days ago I suggested that he should get a physical just to find out where his health is at and he rolled his eyes at me and told me his blood pressure was fine. I know he has to make this change for himself but I am worried about him. I have been hoping that maybe I could just set an example and it would get at least slightly better, but it's just not happening. I guess I could just use some words of encouragement or advice or anything you have to offer if you are in a similar situation.

12-19-2008, 12:31 AM
Sometimes he laughs at me... other times he tells me he's proud! lol

12-19-2008, 12:42 AM
When I started changing the way I ate, I didn't tell my husband at first, because I knew he would blow me off and tell me "it won't last." But I did tell him there were certain things that he'd cook at dinner that I wouldn't eat anymore--like piles of white rice. And I did start packing much more healthy lunches for myself. And I did start requesting that he cook more green veggies with dinner. (Previously, veggies were kind of optional and they were more often the corn-and-peas kind of thing.)

Then after about a month, I told him what I was doing (I quit sugar) and I asked him to quit sugar too--or at least to give it a try and see how it went. He agreed, albeit reluctantly, because it meant giving up his beloved soda. It took him about 6 weeks to fully quit, because he was very stubborn about finishing all the soda he'd purchased previously.

But he did finally quit, and he started losing weight pretty quickly, and the benefits of the dietary change became VERY rapidly apparent. So I've stuck with it, and he's stuck with it, and we've worked on changing the way our kids eat too.

So I guess I'd suggest that maybe just asking your husband to try a change for a while--perhaps that would work. "Honey, I'd like you to try a different way of eating for just 30 days and see what happens. See if you lose weight and how you feel, and then evaluate whether you might want to continue with it. Would you give it a try for me, please?"

12-19-2008, 12:43 AM
All you can do is lead by example. It's tough, but weight is a sensitive issue with people and coming from a loved one makes it even more difficult.

My DH is usually in sync with me. I cook our meals and make his lunches and he appreciates that I've exposed him to different foods. We go to the gym together at night... and we also gain weight together. We tend to use each other as excuses to NOT go to the gym or to go out to eat.

Sometimes he gets in a rut and will avoid the gym. That's where I come in. A couple of nights of me leaving him alone to go workout and he will drag himself off the couch.

Sometimes I get into "snack mode" in the evenings. He's pretty good at asking me if I really want to go the store for munchies. We've struck a balance with the examples we have set for each other.

It's not easy to get someone on board with changing their lifestyle, but hopefully by you taking care of yourself, you can show him how to take care of himself.

12-19-2008, 12:55 AM
Thanks for the advice. I am trying to lead by example, but it's been a long time. I know I just joined this site this year, but I started making these changes in Feb 2006, a few months after giving birth to my daughter. It just seems like nearly 3 years later he would have taken some of it to heart and made a few changes of his own. Even when I make meals he'll often just scrape the veggies to the side/pick them out and throw them away after eating the rest of his food. It seems that as I've taken weight off he has put some on. I'm also worried about the example he is setting for our 3 year old. My 16-year-old has commented that she doesn't understand his choices when it seems like he doesn't feel well all the time. He is incredibly supportive of my changes and has commented that he admires my discipline, but says things like "I go out to eat for lunch every day because I just need to get out of the office". I have heard all the excuses before and have even used a lot of them myself. I just wish I could turn the switch on for him!

12-19-2008, 01:17 AM
My 16-year-old has commented that she doesn't understand his choices when it seems like he doesn't feel well all the time. He is incredibly supportive of my changes and has commented that he admires my discipline, but says things like "I go out to eat for lunch every day because I just need to get out of the office". I have heard all the excuses before and have even used a lot of them myself. I just wish I could turn the switch on for him!

It's very frustrating, I'm sure. I see dear friends of mine who I *know* would feel so much better and wouldn't struggle with health problems (in their 20's!!) if they would make certain changes, but I've also been there. I had to want it for myself and that was the singular influence.

12-19-2008, 01:29 AM
I wish I could get my fiance to get in sync with me. He's a bit overweight, too. But he just has a "beer" belly filled with food. Everything else on him is in the right proportion. He's not as open as I am to foods. He's picky with his veggies and I love them all. I try and make dinners that fit both of our likes while still trying to make them as healthy as possible. He'll eat whole wheat pastas, breads, etc. But then again, he'll eat a million chicken cheese steaks if he could! He loves pizza and ice cream. If I buy ice cream, he will eat the hole thing in one night. He'll stuff himself until he's about to burst. These were things I use to do. He always asks me "aren't you going to have seconds?". Nope. He usually finishes the rest. I try and just keep low-cal snacks around, like Weight Watchers ice cream, fat free pudding, sugar free jellos so if he does munch out, it's not too bad. But I can't get him to diet with me. I really want him to be healthy, too. I am trying to get him to join the gym with me. It'll be nice and we'll both get fit. But he jokes and says "buy me lipo".

:sigh:! I wish I knew how to handle it.

12-19-2008, 02:22 AM
Wow, it sounds like a tough situation. I can't say that I'm in quite a similar one, as I have a GF instead of a BF or Husband, so that probably makes a bit of a difference. Also, she happens to have joined 3FatChicks when I did just a few days ago! ^_^ I was directed to the site by my sister who also just joined.

Anyways, we pretty much eat the same meals (with a little variation) as we live together in my mom's house. The issue hasn't been with my significant other, so much as with my mother. My mom is a coupon lady, & can't understand why I'd rather pay more money for the "same food" in her opinion (we're eating all natural/organic foods). I'm 18 years old, but she does & always has viewed me as nothing more than a child. Every decision I make is a foolish one, or she believes I haven't fully considered all aspects of it; She's told me to my face I'm naive, I'm stupid, I'm rude & ungrateful for what I have, & I'm too stubborn to listen to reason. Needless to say, we don't have the best relationship to start with, as name calling is a constant on her part. She doesn't understand my change in diet, just as much as she doesn't believe I'll either A) stick with it or B) lose any weight. Being obese herself & having tried to lose weight probably dissuades her even more, but it would be nice if she could at least try to believe in me for once in her life! *Sigh*

I think she's trying to adapt to it, but she's still cranky & grumpy all the time. When I brought home a small amount of organic food for my GF & I to eat for a week or so, she basically threw all of it in the bottom drawer of the fridge, & labeled it "Sam & Kim's Food Drawer". Apparently our food isn't welcome in the rest of the fridge.. hehe. I knew it was going to be a problem, which is why I wanted to have the mini fridge already! But that really has to wait until after Christmas.

Anyways, changes in the household can easily upset anyone. Sometimes people can't always understand our reasons for doing things, but try to remind him that even if he doesn't see purpose in it, your belief should be reason enough. He should support you whether you think the sky is radioactive green! That's what you have each other for, after all. It might take some adjustment, but give it time & be patient with him; I'm sure he's having a **** of time trying to be patient for you! :halffull: Just remember & respect that you changing is making a huge impact on the rest of your family as well! They might not support your decision right away, but they'll learn to accept it in time. For now all you can do is persevere with what you got going, & keep on truckin' no matter what anyone (husbands included) have to say! Try to encourage him to eat better as well, since it's obviously working for you! Try not to corner him or give an ultimatum, but it's obviously something that needs to be addressed. Just try to sit down & have a serious talk about it, besides that all you can do is lead by example & hope that he'll eventually follow suit. Why not have him just try some healthier meals & light activity for a week or two & see how he feels at the end? If he'd just do that for you, tell him you'll leave the situation alone from then on out-- but be sure to express that you are genuinely concerned for his health.

Alana in Canada
12-19-2008, 02:34 AM
I wish I knew what to suggest. It sounds like your husband is in denial.

All I can say is that maybe the best thing to is to say nothing for now but to continue to offer healthy food and excercise. . Men have to think of these things as their own ideas--they certainly don't want to be "made to" by their wife. At least--mine is that way!

12-19-2008, 07:08 AM
I have the opposite problem. I know you think it'd be awesome but it's sorta blah. haha... he's always asking me if I've gone to the gym. He goes everyday...it's harder for me because I work overnights. My schedule is so goofy...and i'm soooo tired. Even if I did go lately, I woudln't be really working out. You know what I mean?

He's not the healthiest eater though, although he'll tell you otherwise. haha...when I say something like "oh man this is so not good for us", he'll say... "it's good for me, not for you" ...he's really sweet about everything though. When I get back onto a normal schedule I'm sure we'll work out together...which sort of scares me!

12-19-2008, 07:56 AM
Well... you can't make someone else lose weight. You can't make them even want to lose weight. Just do what you need to do for you. Think about being in his situation and having someone push on you about food choices. Maybe you're not as stubborn as I am, though. ;)

After 3 years, leading by example isn't really working, so you might need to come up with a plan that helps reduce conflict. Maybe sit down with him and come up with a strategy you can both follow for mealtimes. For example, dinner has to include healther choices for you plus some of the foods he likes. Figure out what these would be--green beans, not always corn; whole grain starch without a lot of cheese or oil. Lean protein--not always fried or cheesy. You can probably modify what each of you cooks that way and reach a compromise.

And, although this sounds harsh, make sure his life insurance and health insurance is paid up... :(


12-19-2008, 08:44 AM
Hey Jenguin, sounds frustrating. My DH is interested in health and fitness but won't make the changes I have suggested to him b/c he likes to eat!! (don't we all)

Anyway, I have had to bite my tongue, not always with 100% success b/c you can take a horse to water......

hang some cool!

12-19-2008, 09:32 AM
Hey, lady!

You are a pretty amazing person and you have made some wonderful changes in your life. I get the sense that your guy is kind and generous and reasonable. I think that you are doing all the right things---setting an example, being honest about your concerns without being pushy, and recognizing how important it is to have a healthy family.

I have become quite adept at making meals that fit all of my family's needs. I make a protein, a veggie, and a carb, and people eat however much of whatever they decide. But if the family decides they want to grill hamburgers and I do not want red meat, I'll steam some fish or something. So we don't always eat the same things, but I stick to my plan most of the time come high or dry. I know what I need to do and I do it.

I think you could sit down with the family and come up with some meal guidelines---like veggies are nonnegotiable. It's great that he makes dinner, but there should be plenty of veggie servings (I don't count corn as a veggie, but hey he's trying!). Maybe make up a weekly menu with everyone's input, and then you do the shopping and edit the ingredients. Like meatloaf---half ground turkey, half ground beef (cheese on the side!). But get everyone involved in WHAT to eat, but you buy for it so you can control the health of the ingredients.

I know that if my DH would have commented on my weight or health before I lost 50 pounds, I would have been devestated. But you have really brought up some very serious concerns about your DH's health. Find a time when you guys are alone and relaxed and have a heart to heart, but keep it kind and loving.

Other than that, I can't think of a darn thing. I think you are doing everything I would otherwise suggest. :hug:

PS Maybe check out that Hungry Girl cookbook. I haven't read it, but I think she has healthy versions of "junk food". Maybe that would keep DH happy but also healthier.

12-19-2008, 10:20 AM
My SigO... he is a sweetie, but he is not healthy. He knows he needs to loose weight, but he is very unwilling to put effort into it. He tells me with pride that he has gone for over a year without drinking sugar soda (which yes it great as a start) but this morning when we unusually had breakfast together, he helped himself to a plate full of really awful looking pancakes and smothered them in fake strawberry in syrup. It looked really bad (tasting) as the pancakes appeared to be dry. I asked him if they were worth eating, and he said 'no' before proceeding to finish his plate, and then help himself to more food.
(Small victory: his more food was a low calorie yogurt so that was good)
One of the hardest things I had to learn was if it is worth eating (taste-wise or nutritionally), and you are not actually starving, leave it on your plate and get something better for you.
I know I can’t make him want to loose weight, but I can show him the tools I used to make my changes. I need to know exactly what I put in my mouth to motivate me to eat in moderation. I have been trying to get him to begin logging his intake, but he won’t. I know it is because he doesn’t want to see it. He is happier living in ignorance, rather than facing the truth and being confronted with the need to change.
What can I do? In a few weeks we will move into our new home, and he and I will become responsible for preparing all of our food (no one delivers to where we are moving). This will honestly be a first for us together and something I will not have done in well over a decade.
I hope that (plus our amazing new kitchen appliances) will allow us to make a clean break from the unhealthy eating habits we have cultivated over years of city life. (We used to live closer to a Burger King then the grocery store… you can see the problem for my poor SigO in that) But he needs to join me in the commitment, and how do I convince him? No idea.

12-19-2008, 10:24 AM
When I met my husband, his version of having veggies was creamed corn poured over mashed potatoes. Occasionally carrots or the mixed frozen veg of carrot,peas and corn.
He still hate cauliflower, and cabbage or brussels sprouts but eats most other veggies. It took years to get to this place.
He has no weight problems, he is tall and skinny and only weighs about 10 pounds more than when we met 24 years ago.

I wonder when your hubby pushes the veggies to the side of the plate, that this is not rebellion but that he doesn't like the veggie choices. Some people have a taste/texture thing that is difficult to overcome.

My husband did much better when I set out raw, crunchy stuff, I even used dip. I poured cheese sauce on broccoli. Now he eats everything, even without cheese sauce.
good luck

Thighs Be Gone
12-19-2008, 10:26 AM

I will "ditto" everything midwife advises. You are very right about this being a decision he must come to himself. There are some delicious and satiating ways to prepare foods that I am sure your husband would embrace if he gave it a chance.

I do all the cooking in my home so I have great control over what goes into the meals. My hubby eats whatever I throw together. He does not and never has had a weight problem. Last night I made spaghetti (prepared w/turkey) with a green salad. We had water (as opposed to wine) and no bread. My children are pickier. I keep assuring myself I am leading by example and they will get to the point of enjoying salads and the like.

I think you are headed the right direction with your hubby. If I was trying to get a larger hubby to get healthier I think I would start paying more "sexy" attention to him and maybe even purchase a couple of things for him he would NEVER purchase for himself--something kind of bold and sexy you know--a stylish peacoat or whatever. I would try to make him feel comfortable and not threatened in any way. In a few weeks start working on what a sexy guy he would be a few pounds lighter. I am not sure how I would word it to him but you get my point.

I notice your weight has really dropped from where you are. My guess is that this is a somewhat scary time for him. My husband is happy but he mentioned the other day there are days he feels insecure now. WTH? Men. Go figure!

12-19-2008, 11:10 AM
jenguin - I completely understand! :hug: My husband is proud of my weight loss and has lots of sweet things to say to me, but that's about where the support ends. He does pitch in more with our 2 young children so I can keep up my gym schedule. :dizzy: I am very concerned about my husband's weight/health. I am doing my best to lead by example for him and our children, but he shows very little interest in changing his habits. Our dinner routine is always hectic and I often end up cooking healthy meals for myself and the kids and he will tell me he's not hungry, or will grab his own dinner - which usually means fast food, pizza, etc. Some nights he'll try to be "helpful" and offer to bring dinner home - again it's junk. I don't eat what he brings, I make my own healthy, alternate meals and supplement the children's. Not the best solution, but it's working for now and keeping me on track. I keep hoping that one day he will really start thinking about it all and work with me instead of against me. However, until then I can only control myself and take care of me.

So, my best advice it to continue leading by example and taking good care of yourself. Hopefully one day we can get our men on our side. ;)

12-19-2008, 11:38 AM
Luckily my DH eats what I cook ;) He doesn't complain and I told him if he really wants junk then to do it on his lunch break at work. He's super supportive of me and this new healthier lifestyle.

*hugs girlie!*

Just keep on doing what you are doing....no matter how worried you are about them, they just won't get it until they decide to.

12-19-2008, 12:15 PM
This is an interesting subject for me. When I was pregnant with my now 3 year old son my husband gained about 40 pounds. I thought after my son was born, he would start to lose or stop gaining at least (thinking it was sympathy weight gain). Well, since then he has gained a total of 130 pounds. I tried everything with him and nothing worked. His family even tried to talk to him. Anyway, we are no longer together and while it is not the only reason, it was definitely a contributing reason for our break-up. His life was so unhealthy - it was not the life I wanted to live, not the life I wanted my son to grow up in. I have read a lot on here about people feeling hurt or devastated if someone would have talked to them about their weight, but when you are in a relationship what one person does affects everything else and I think the other person has a right to comment on it. Not in a mean way, of course, but still your partner is a part of your life and the decisions you make impact that life. The fact that my husband spent lots of money on fast food, the fact that he couldn't go for walks with us as a family, the fact that he couldn't play with my son, the fact that the only forms of entertainment that were not painful or exhausting to him were watching TV or surfing the internet were huge to me. And the fact that one day he would most likely die much younger than he should have - that was enormous.

There is an epidemic in this country of men dying much, much younger than women and a large part of that is due to unhealthy behaviors and decisions. So while I obviously do not have the answer I think this thread really speaks to the fact that something needs to get through to these men that it is their health and their lives that they are destroying. Just makes me very sad.

Lori Bell
12-19-2008, 12:26 PM
All I can say is, "Your husband cooks?" WOW, how awesome would that be!!!

Actually I always have more to say. When I was a pre-teen/teen my father, may he rest in peace, was ALWAYS nagging me about my weight. I hated it and it made me very bitter towards him, and I didn't lose a drop of weight while he nagged. He's the same guy who was an alcoholic and LOVED all his drinking buddies, but the moment he quit drinking (for 10 years before his death) suddenly anyone who drank even in moderation was instantly labeled as drunk in his eyes.

12-19-2008, 12:36 PM
My husband and I are both trying to lose weight, and we both like to cook - so that sounds like it would be awesome, right? Well, it still isn't because ultimately a weight loss journey is often a solitary one. He can eat a lot starchier food (and for him it really is "cutting back"), and some of the dishes he makes aren't really weight loss friendly for me. I'll either make something for myself, eat a tiny bit of what he's made, or heat up a frozen dinner (I've made a list of the lower carb frozen dinners and keep a few on hand for emergencies. Because they're still higher in carbs, and a lot higher in artificial ingredients than I'd like, I really do save them for emergencies).

When I cook, I like to make dishes with a LOT more veggies and a lot less meat in them than is hubby's preference. Unless there's a fair amount of meat, and the veggies are easy to pick out, he'll make something for himself or heat up a frozen dinner on the days I cook.

Some of his sanity saver snacks are trigger foods for me, and vice versa. We have different eating styles, both when we are on and off plan. When we were first married and both working, we compromised and whoever was home at dinner time would make dinner, or we would take turns starting the crockpot in the morning. Making two meals seemed like such a waste, but we've finally come to terms with often going our seperate ways at mealtimes, and it's actually worked out better for us.

12-19-2008, 12:38 PM
My hubby is my number one supporter and also my number one enabler. For better or worse we are in it together.... what ever IT is.

The one thing I had to make clear to him this time was that when I talked about having a craving it wasn't the go ahead to bring crap home.

I wish you continued success, you are doing great.

12-19-2008, 01:15 PM
One perspective: Before I started caring about losing weight I was convinced I would never be able to lose weight (not like I'd ever tried). My weight would constantly fluctuate and I assumed my weight was completely out of my control. I am also bipolar and my eating habits get much worse in a depressive episode.

It sounds like perhaps your husband doesn't think it's possible for him to lose weight (consciously or subconsciously). I don't know how to fix that mentality, but I believe that weight-loss in the media is far too much directed at women. Men are almost NEVER encouraged to pay attention to their weight.

Has your husband ever weighed less? Was he smaller when you first met? You might try framing up a picture, if you have one, of the two of you when he weighed less. If he asks, tell him it's just for sentimental reasons. This isn't to pressure him but to remind him of how he felt back then. If he was at that point before he can get there again.

This is touchy ground, but I do have another suggestion. You might try talking to a therapist. Go to one by yourself and get your own support in this battle, not only with yourself and your own weight, but also with your husband. Then, if you can convince him, bring him in (or encourage him to go on his own) and have him talk about the real reasons why he refuses to take part in your healthy lifestyle. Personally I wasn't able to kick my own butt out of the apathy rut until I got on an antidepressant. He may very well have an underlying psychological issue they may need to be dealt with. Therapy helps, even without medication. You can also work out the tension between you two surrounding this issue.

Even if you're perfectly happy in your marriage otherwise, individual and couples therapy can help. My mom's been seeing her therapist (formerly mine) for years now, even though she's very very happy with my dad.

Until then, though, I have to agree with the others - be persistant in your cooking and exercise habits (get his input on what healthier dishes he'd like to try - give him a healthy cookbook to look through and tell him he can pick any recipe that looks tasty). Don't let up on the active family activities. Either he'll get a little more in shape or he'll realize just how awful he feels.

12-19-2008, 01:55 PM
If you can get him to look at the ABS Plan from Men's Health maybe that would help him.


It is more a way of eating the right things than a diet. I consider it an eating plan for life.

I have been doing it for almost a year and it becomes second nature. It follows most standard ways of eating. 3 meals and 3 snacks a day. Emphasis on the 12 power foods. These are generally healthy. Nuts, beans, veggies etc.

There is a little wink wink ooh more sex in your future but nothing over the top.
It really is by men for men so they have a lot of quick and easy things to eat in the recipes.

I know he has to be ready but the reason I looked at this was because Vince Wilfork a Patriot's player mentioned it in an article and it seemed to make sense to me.

Good luck. I am lucky that my partner is very inept in the kitchen so no worries. I cook we both eat whatever it is. I am lucky there I guess.

12-19-2008, 06:57 PM
My DH is in the Army so he gets his workout in before I am even awake in the mornings! He doesn't have a weight issue (yet) but he has gained about 10 pounds from his "normal" base weight. He still eats a lot of junk and I keep it in the pantry because I now have enough willpower to not eat it. But I don't keep a lot of it so I find him trying to figure out what to eat as snacks a lot.

I think you can only do this type of thing yourself - your DH will have to come around on his own. I have this issue with smoking - I quit over 18 months ago and DH still is "trying". One day it'll just happen I hope.

12-19-2008, 07:43 PM
Thanks for the replies everyone. It's pretty much what I thought - I just have to keep doing what I'm doing. Everyone has great suggestions, most of which I have already tried once or more. I guess I'll just keep rotating the tries! I do think he and I need to have a talk about his health so I'm going to keep pushing for him to get that physical. I may even call and make the appointment myself. Information from the doctor might be eye opening. I know he has to make the decision for himself. I just wish he'd hurry up about it!

12-19-2008, 08:05 PM
My boyfriend, who is about 250-300 lbs overweight, does 90% of the evening meal cooking. I found him putting a half a stick of butter in the mashed potatoes the other day and I about lost it! I've asked him to lighten the meals up, cook lean meats, make more veggies, salads, etc...He says he's happy to helpful with my weightloss but behind my back he does stuff like the butter trick.

He isn't interested in losing weight. He has sleep apnea, skin integrity issues and has trouble walking (one hip is literally out of socket due to the weight). He says when his life settles down he'll be ready to lose weight. He just graduated from nursing school and is studying to take his test to become a RN. He gained the 200+ lbs while in school. He says it was from the stress of school. I think it might have something to do with the apnea. He doesn't sleep well at all and seems to eat more when he's had a bad nights sleep.

He also has said when he gets his nursing job, it will come with health insurance. He plans on having a LapBand surgery or gastric bypass. Until then he keeps gaining, gaining, gaining. (I'm concerned no one will hire him because he is soooo BIG!)

I am not sure where our relationship is going to go from here. Like the other person who posted above, we have very different lifestyles. I'm no longer eating fastfood, he eats there 3-5 times a week...I want to go for walks for hikes, he takes naps. I want to eat better and he just wants to eat more.

I'm not going to let his lack of desire to get better stop me from my ultimate goal of losing 100lbs. I just need to be creative to work around his passive aggressive "support".

I'm definitely cooking more of the evening meals now. I'm in control of the butter dish when I'm in the kitchen.

Best of luck to all the folks here who are having issues with their mate/family members while on this journey.

12-20-2008, 02:47 AM
Michelle: start making your own dinner. After the butter episode, I wouldn't eat anything I didn't prepare myself!

To the OP, I'd definitely look at his calendar and get him into the doctor. It might be the wake-up call he needs! I wish you much luck getting him to want to be healthy too.

12-21-2008, 09:35 AM
You all make me very happy about my DH who has cut back on oil and butter in cooking, has stopped buying junk food to eat in front of me, (there was a package of chips in his car, but thats his business, and he has no weight problem) and is glad to go for walks etc with me.
I hope those big men find they have big enough hearts to go with their wives and lovers, on a journey to better health, but sometimes separate vacations are good too.....

12-21-2008, 10:10 AM
on the other hand, my DH waited for a long time, with unconditional love, for me to start my weight loss journey. I wonder how he put up with it for so long?

12-21-2008, 10:42 AM
He gained the 200+ lbs while in school. He says it was from the stress of school. I think it might have something to do with the apnea. He doesn't sleep well at all and seems to eat more when he's had a bad nights sleep.

It's not because he isn't sleeping well or because he's been under stress. He gained 200+ pounds because he overate. Most sleep apnea is a result of obesity, not the cause. Plenty of people go to school and need more sleep but don't gain 200+ pounds. As an R.N., he can find out all about this very easily.

Lapband may or may not be a solution. He is going to have to change his eating habits regardless of the lapband surgery.

I stopped letting my SO make my salads when I discovered how much dressing she was using. She has no weight issues, but just didn't get the measuring bit.


12-21-2008, 11:02 AM
Sleep apnea is often caused by obesity, but it can also contribute to it. When I was diagnosed, my pulmonologist predictied that I would probably lose some weight just by using the CPAP. I was skeptical, but I can't discount his prediction. There were other factors, but I lost 20 lbs without trying (no dieting or intentionally cutting back in my eating, at all), and so I do not discount the possibility that the apnea was contributing to weight gain.

Sleep quality and stress do contribute to weight gain. They're not the whole picture, but they are part of it - but allowing 200 lbs to go by before doing something about it, is only going to make it harder, not easier to get the weight off. And while lack of good sleep and stress can contribute to weight gain, improving them doesn't automatically get much if any of the weight off.

12-21-2008, 11:23 AM
well... i guess i can give a different view point... my fiance is underweight. he tries to gain but it wont happen, he is much healthier since being with me as previously he lived on micromeals and take aways.

he now eats whole grains, home cooked foods and veggies and fruit.

last night we had a discussion about nutrition and i explained to him the foods i now need to avoid as i change my eating plan. We had a really frank discussion about foods and what they do for your body. He had no idea what protein veg and carbs are for, let alone which foods were which. it scared me! i know so much about it and he thought eggs were carbs.

i guess im teaching him at the same time, but he would love to be able to gain some weight.

12-22-2008, 03:57 AM
Jenquin, I'm of the school of thought that the more you mention this to your husband, the more resistant he will become (because he's scared...he knows it won't be easy). And my only suggestion is to make sure you fix your own meals (and the kids) and let him prepare his special meals if he's not willing to eat what you prepare. Let him know how important it is to teach the kids to eat right before they develop bad habits.

Then...this might be tough if you two are used to doing most things together. Just start doing your own thing with your kids and your friends. Always be sure to ask him if he wants to join you, but when he says no, just leave him home and go have fun. And I mean have a lot of fun. Go roller skating with the kids. Take a dance class with a friend. Join a hiking club. Just get out there and have a good time and let you and the kids show him (without saying anything) how much more fun your life is when you are active...and maybe he'll start to feel left out and lonely and start to wonder what he needs to do to change that. He may start to worry that he will lose you if he doesn't start to join you in some of your activities. I'm not saying to do anything to make him jealous deliberately, but it may be a positive side effect.

On the walks hurting his feet. I can commiserate, as I have foot problems that make it impossible to walk if I don't wear the right footwear. The next time you ask if he wants to tag along on a walk and he says no..it will just hurt my feet, why not offer to buy him a new pair of shoes, designed to prevent his foot pain. He may need to get a diagnosis of what's wrong with his feet and get some special pediatric shoes or supports. But if there is a way to fix it, that could help him get inspired to walk at a pace that does not give him racing pulse.

Also, continue to show him a lot of affection and sexual attraction...so he feels wanted and self-assured around you. His self-esteem will have a lot to do with his wanting to improve himself. Low self-esteem may keep him on the unhealthy food binges.

12-22-2008, 05:42 AM
How does your spouse/significant other fit into your weight loss plan?

pretty easy.. mine left.

With that said I have learned from watching 2 brother-in-laws die from heart attacks from extreme obesity, a younger sister who had diabetes and still smokes after 25 years and a relative die from alcoholism that NO ONE can make someone do something they do not want to do.

There is the age old saying... you can lead a horse to water yada yada yada.

All you can do is inform them and try and lead by example and hope they follow. If you talk about it too much it will be interpreted as nagging.

I myself use myself as an example. I have been told for years lose weight or I will shorten my life and I didn't listen until I started getting health problems. But I am thankful that at least I now see the light.

Many unfortunately don't.

All you can do is inform them, set a good example, kiss them every day and be happy for the day because everything can change with one phone call... I know.

Oh yeah and also taking out a large insurance policy doesn't hurt either! :D