30-Somethings - I sent an olive branch and she didn't take it :-(




choirgirlhotel
12-17-2008, 03:46 PM
I won't go into long drawn out details, but basically I had this good friend for seven years. In the last year (and sort of before that too, but not as much) she went through a divorce and started acting kind of crazy, making bad choices, being obsessed with guys and always putting me on the back burner, etc.

Finally, she ended up moving in with this guy after only one month of knowing him, and felt it was okay to dump off this poor cat on my doorstep even after I told her I didn't want to take the cat, guilting me into taking it (my own issue, I know).

So after all those resentments building up, that was the final straw, and I wrote her an email basically saying, "I don't deserve to be treated like that, and do me a favor and never email me or call me again".

So that was in October 2008. Recently I have been thinking about my actions, and I feel sorry for that "hit and run" type email that I did. I should have owned my feelings and told her about them and discussed it instead of taking the easy way out and dumping a seven-year friendship that way.

I wrote her an email yesterday basically saying the above, and I haven't heard from her. I pretty much know that if she hasn't written back by now, she's not going to write back.

So, in a way, yes, I guess I know that she's not the type of friend that I want back in my life if she's not at least willing to respond to that email, and that's fine, it's her decision, but I can't help feeling sad about it.

That's all.....

~CGH~


kittycat40
12-17-2008, 03:51 PM
It is sad. An end of an era, sort of. But you had to take care of yourself!

I had an experience like that. It was hard, but really, I din't want to be treated that way any more.

Thighs Be Gone
12-17-2008, 04:11 PM
choir, it is what it is...it's only been 24 hours and she may need more time to think about everything....

I can really respect not wanting DRAMA in your life, I have had to discontinue relationships before because of this sort of thing...I really believe people are known by the company they keep....I also believe if you look at your friends, you look at your future....I definitely would rather be alone than with someone that wasn't a moral and decent person--or even ACTED like they weren't


LBH
12-17-2008, 05:40 PM
CGH, :welcome2: to 30 Somethings! You know, sometimes you just have to cut your losses are move on. I had a friend that i was best friends with for 15 years. She stopped talking to me out of the blue once and we haven't spoken since. It's the best thing that could've happened to me though. Look for the positive!

Lainey2
12-17-2008, 06:45 PM
Maybe she is out of town too. It is the holidays and she may just be out of pocket. Maybe you are feeling this way because it is the holidays too, and perhaps you're feeling a bit nostalgic and remembering the friendship as better than it actually was. It sounds like she didn't listen to you very well, and didn't take your feelings into account. You may have handled it wrong at the time, but the end result may have been the best thing for you anyway. It sounds like the friendship had outlasted its usefulness, and like you had outgrown her. It happens alot with the passing of time. Also, if she was such a great friend, why did she just let you go like that, without so much as asking to meet and talk? If I had a good friend who got mad enough to tell me not to ever call her, I would still try and contact her to see what I had done to cause that. I would not let a friend I truly cared about just walk out of my life angry. You have owned your feelings and told her how you would handle things differently, so really you accomplished what you needed to. Your first instincts were probably right though. Have a great day and don't dwell on this too much. :hug:

kaplods
12-17-2008, 07:24 PM
Considering the time of year, I would hesitate to assume that she will not respond to the olive branch (either positively or negatively). If I were to receive such an email, especially this time of year with all of the stresses, I'm not sure how I would handle it.

It might take me a few days to decide how I want to respond (especially if I feel I'm needing to apologize and am concerned about mucking it up and making things worse).

I also might decide that such a potentially emotional situation is too much for me to handle right now, and I'll give it some thought when I'm up to it (probably after Christmas).

You describe her as a person who isn't able to handle stresses in her life very well. She may have been taking advantage of you, because you were willing to meet her needs without meeting your own. To you, she was treating you badly. To her, you were there when she needed you, until suddenly you weren't. That's not to say she was right - but if she does reach out to you to rebuild the friendship, you need to be prepared to set limits and boundaries. People do not treat each other fairly out of a sense of fair play, rather we teach people how to treat us, by what we give and take from the friendship. If you're always giving and never taking, it's what people begin to expect of you, without even realizing they're doing it. If we're "always there" for people, and never ask anything in return, until we "snap" (I've definitely been there) the person is flabergasted as to how a devoted friend "suddenly turned against them" (which is likely her perception of events).

Again, not saying it is right, but I always seemed to have these types of friends when I was younger, and I thought I was just unlucky. But, when I started to make more demands on friendships, the more equal they became. I don't nearly have as much trouble as when I was younger. If a friend makes an unreasonable request (and friends still do), or even sometimes a reasonable request - I sometimes have to say "no," and it doesn't have to ruin the friendship. In fact, not being the "friend who is always there when you need her," I seem to get a lot more back from friendships. When I was the one that was "always there," I think everyone thought I was too strong to really "need" their help, so they actually found it easier to say no to me than to friends they perceived as "needier."

If she values the friendship, she will respond (though possibly not on your time table). If she doesn't, there's nothing you can do to change that, but keep in mind when making new friends that you need to be able to set those boundaries for yourself, or you will likely feel used and abused in future friendships too.

choirgirlhotel
12-17-2008, 08:21 PM
She may have been taking advantage of you, because you were willing to meet her needs without meeting your own. To you, she was treating you badly. To her, you were there when she needed you, until suddenly you weren't. That's not to say she was right - but if she does reach out to you to rebuild the friendship, you need to be prepared to set limits and boundaries.

If you're always giving and never taking, it's what people begin to expect of you, without even realizing they're doing it. If we're "always there" for people, and never ask anything in return, until we "snap" (I've definitely been there) the person is flabergasted as to how a devoted friend "suddenly turned against them" (which is likely her perception of events).



BINGO!!!

I didn't want to make the original post too long with too many details, but actually the above is so true, and something I am really trying to work on.

Regardless of whether she responds or not, I AM glad that I sent that email to her, and actually I AM glad that the whole horrible thing happened, because it really taught me about how I DO need to start setting boundaries with people.

I am trying to learn how.


Also, if she was such a great friend, why did she just let you go like that, without so much as asking to meet and talk? If I had a good friend who got mad enough to tell me not to ever call her, I would still try and contact her to see what I had done to cause that. I would not let a friend I truly cared about just walk out of my life angry.

Well, that's what I thought too.

Thanks guys for bringing insight and clarity into the situation. I really appreciate it and am very touched by your responses :)

PS - I know it has been less than 24 hours - I'm such an impatient person! lol.

~CGH~

choirgirlhotel
12-18-2008, 05:09 PM
well, she wrote me back today, and wrote this:

I appreciate the apology. I apologize too... I wanted to, but you asked me not to write so ... I didn't.
Hope you have a good Xmas too.

(and then she wrote a little inside joke at the end which I won't share as it won't make sense).

Personally, I think that was a pretty lame attempt. I'm not sure what to do at this point.

~CGH~

JulieJ08
12-18-2008, 09:18 PM
To be honest, she has a point. I don't honestly think you didn't have a part in it too. I think you should be willing to give a little.

kaplods
12-18-2008, 09:40 PM
I'm not sure what you expected, but her apology seems appropriate to the situation to me, and not lame at all. Did you want her to grovel? To beg to have you back as a friend? To admit that she was a demon and you were a saint or at least that she certainly had more to apologize for and was "wronger" than you? Does a scorecard of guilt, really matter all that much to you?

The more conditions we put on our forgiveness, the less genuine it is. If you cannot forgive her without her acting "sorry enough," you're probably not ready to forgive her. If you're not willing to rebuild the friendship "from scratch," without you both having to agree on how much each of you is at fault, and for what, I don't think you're ready to rebuild the friendship.

If you can't start fresh, then leave sleeping dogs lie, and do not respond to her email, or respond and say you're not ready to rebuild the friendship.

choirgirlhotel
12-18-2008, 10:07 PM
I'm not sure what you expected, but her apology seems appropriate to the situation to me, and not lame at all. Did you want her to grovel? To beg to have you back as a friend? To admit that she was a demon and you were a saint or at least that she certainly had more to apologize for and was "wronger" than you? Does a scorecard of guilt, really matter all that much to you?


whoa, no need to be so harsh.

that's actually not what I meant at all about it being a "lame" attempt.

Anyway, thanks for everyone's advice.

kaplods
12-18-2008, 10:19 PM
I wasn't meaning to be harsh, and I may have laid it on a little thick in an effort to illustrate what I was trying to say, that you need to understand why you thought her response was lame, and what if anything you want to do about it. Using the word lame, to me, implied that you felt her response was not sufficient in some way that you were expecting, and I was trying to suggest that you ask yourself what you WERE expecting and why it seems lame to you, and if possibly you aren't ready to start from scratch (which is ok, but make sure you know it, or you're both going to probably end up in as rocky a situation as it was before).

kittycat40
12-18-2008, 11:03 PM
=I appreciate the apology. I apologize too... I wanted to, but you asked me not to write so ... I didn't.
Hope you have a good Xmas too.



this is from your original break up right? when you had enough you ended things totally, and that's where this comes from?

OK, and now she responded. I'm thinking she didn't respond to the original break up note because the relationship wasn't working for her either (b/c of her own stuff and/or yours.)

Really, seems like an Ok response to me. Maybe things built in your anticipation and it is an anticlimactic moment. But she did respond and apologize and now the door is open to rebuilding.... if that's what you both want.