Body Image and Issues after Weight Loss - Unwanted Attention

I've been wanting to post about this for a while, but I haven't known how to phrase it without seeming like a whiner or conceited or, I don't know, something. However, this has been an especially difficult last couple of weeks with regards to this particular problem, so I'm just going to bring it up and see if anyone else has experienced this.

I have always been a person that other people like to talk to. I am pretty good at reading peoples' emotions and giving them what they need, and I am generally outgoing and funny. When I was overweight, this translated to having lots of friends -- both male and female, and being popular as a party guest.

Since I've lost the weight, however, the dynamics in my relations with a lot of men --even men I have known for a long time -- have changed, and I guess the dynamics with how I relate to some women have changed a bit too. When I act like I used to act, I am perceived differently. Now I am always having to watch how close I stand, how wide I smile, what I say and who I say it too. I MISS being everyone's buddy. I am attractive, but it is not like I am drop dead beautiful or anything. I have good skin and a nice body, but I am not Miss America! Regardless, men seem to like me...a lot. Women don't seem to like me quite so much.

A couple of weeks ago at an office party for my husband, a man we have known for ten years came up behind me and pressed his whole body up against mine and whispered that I was gorgeous in my ear. I set him straight with a nice verbal swipe, but BOY he hurt my feelings. Another of my husband's co-workers also came up to me and, while talking to me, started stroking my arm and then asked me if I'd been working out. Same party, another guy came up to me and told me he really liked my hair cut...which would have been fine and a nice compliment except that his wife, who was standing right next to him, said, "But you hate short hair." The idiot turns to her and says, "Well it didn't look good when you cut your's short. Dana looks amazing." So his wife turns to me with eyes narrowed and says, "You should have heard them talking about you at our table before dinner. That is quite a dress." I felt sooo vulnerable and, well, icky...that all these men, a lot of whom my husband has worked with for years, were discussing my physical attributes -- and in front of their wives and girlfriends. We were at a black tie event so my dress was sleeveless, but it was NOT revealing! I had on a black, knee-length sheath with a simple square neckline -- no cleavage showing, no plunging back -- just a nice dress.

Last week the freakin' bagboy at the grocery store told me I was "hot"...or actually what he said was something like..."When I was in the Marines, we didn't have any "hot" women like you there." Just yesterday, the guy who makes my coffee at Starbucks said he hoped I didn't think it was wierd if he asked me for my phone number. I've been going in there for two years...often with my husband!

While I am not above enjoying a little attention, this level of attention is kind of freaking me out. I've been thin before in my life, but I was younger and maybe I was more self-absorbed or enjoyed my "power" over men more or something...because this time around it is definitely dampening my joy in my new body. I lost this weight and built these muscles FOR ME...but these days it sure as **** feels like my body belongs to everyone else. I love my new found strength and the fact that I don't get winded. I love that my husband's eyes light up when he sees me...but I am starting to miss that plump woman who got to be friends with everyone...and didn't have to worry about all the rest of this crap!

Well.....I don't have any answers for you, just that I have run into some awkward moments with some men/acquaintances as well and it is really irritating and creepy......

Just continue to be yourself. We can't control how others react to us, and our new bodies are none of their business anyway. I know I've perfected a bit of a chilled expression when someone crosses boundaries....but I know what you mean about a formerly relaxed laid back relationship changing.....I dunno what to say except that I understand and I've experienced it a bit too.

Yeah. It's really unfortunate, because being heavy, you don't really develop the resources to deal with skeeviness like other girls do. And so when the skeeviness comes (and it DOES come), it really throws you for a loop. At my last office party, my butt got grabbed by a colleague. And it made me really uncomfortable.

All I can say is that inappropriate people shouldn't change YOU and your personality. Look, you're not hitting on these men by virtue of being attractive...they're just being inappropriate, period. So if you want to be the girl who is friends with everyone and doesn't worry about this BS, you CAN be! The unwanted attention is annoying but you're not doing anything to cause it, so don't let it change who -you- are.

Hello sexual harassment!

This is honestly why I'm scared to lose weight. I've always gotten unwanted male attention, not so much now, but in the past, and it's really made me uncomfortable when it's not wanted. I honestly don't know what to say to you. Only I guess next time you're at a party like that with your husband, make sure he's always with you. I just think it's sad that some men just don't know their limits, and what is appropriate and what isn't.

Wow. I wish I had advice.

That's just really creepy and awful. And what that husband said about short hair to his wife... :foreheadslap: Sheesh. :rolleyes:

Well... whatever. Just don't stop being yourself due to men that can't think before they speak. :hug:

I can relate. I haven't been heavy my whole life and received some attention when smaller. I've always been the life-of-the-party. The girl everyone knew and liked. The good friend to everyone, being so caring, etc. I have many guy friends and few (but amazing) girl friends. One of my closer ones, though, has always been envious about how well I just naturally get along with others. So of course that started small tiffs with us. And I noticed if you're talking to a guy who seems interested, the girls will bark all over you until they get attention. I've never paid much mind to it, since I never craved a man's attention like that.

But I'm so use to just being the "girl" friend. Nothing sexual, or wanting more. No strings. Just your typical friend. But since I've been losing weight, I've noticed subtle changes. I've been asked by a few men at my work for my number. One older gentlemen, who was married and has kids my age, insisting on hitting on me. I didn't realize it at first, but as the conversation continued, it was more clear. But the topper of things lately, an ex of mine, also a good friend for years, started working by me. He now visits me often and the first day he saw me in a year and a half, after he left he texted me and said "You look so good". His visits became more frequent and he's always looking me up and down. It makes me uncomfortable. Especially since my co-workers poke fun and call him my "side boyfriend". He knows I am engaged and live with my fiance. I just wish he'd stop. I don't want to throw away a good friendship based on something that should be able to be controlled. Luckily my fiance doesn't have jealousy issues. He knows I have a good amount of guy friends and he never seems bothered. He enjoys hearing my stories about the few crazies I attract at work. I work on a popular, main street in Philadelphia...and man, I get my share of crazies/drunks/etc. If a guy asks for my number, I politely tell him I am engaged.


And I agree with mandalinn82. Don't let it change you. You did this for YOURSELF. Don't let them discourage you. If it really makes you uncomfortable, say something. Be nice about it, but if they don't listen..then, well, be forceful. You're a married woman and they should respect that!

I just read your post to my husband, he SO does not agree with how the men are acting. He said "So what are they thinking, that since she worked so hard to look like that, she should have to accept their actions?" I think what you need is that confidence you use to have. You need to put them in their place, let them know you do not approve of their actions. As far as the coffee guy, could say something like "i well I really don't think my husband would care for that, but you are welcome to ask him"...lol with the guy that pressed his body against yours, tell him to BACK OFF, to get out of your space. Let anyone you come in contact with know that is it NOT ok to get in your space and you can do that with body language and words to in necessary

Wow, what an interesting post this is. I'm not sure if that's a recent photo in your avatar, but my goodness, you are stunning. Unforunately, that brings with it some unwanted attention from others at times. Also, it brings jealousy from other women. Maybe in time you will find a way to not let others perceptions and reactions make you uncomfortable. I think it will take you awhile to get used to. Why should you tone down how you act around others though? You should not have to apologize for your outgoing and charming personality. Part of your losing weight was wanting to be the best you could be, correct? Well, continue to be who you are....the outgoing, friendly woman who is always smiling (big!) and everyone's friend. If jealous people cannot handle it, it is their problem. Don't downplay yourself to make others happy. Way to go on your great accomplishment!

I remember the first time I lost weight-down to 140 from 315-ish, people really started treating me differently too. Nothing as forward as what you're getting mind you, but enough to make me uncomfortable & such. Some of the behavior you described is just disgusting to me, since boundaries are very important. Other than empathy, the only thing I can offer is a suggestion: maybe you should get a taser (!?) to keep these guys in their place!

I was also the friend to everyone-nice to hang out with-but no threat to anyone. Well, since I've been losing weight I have noticed that my guy friends want to talk with me a little more, and my girl friends dont like it much. I have been told that "I was a lot more fun to be with" when i weighed more. I think that the biggest thing is that I have some more confidence and people dont know how to handle that. I have also had a couple of patients (men) flirt with me at work. I do wear a wedding ring and I dont encourage anything, but I have had to make of point of mentioning
my husband and my rather large family (6 children). I do notice that I stand a little taller, and walk with more confidence, and maybe that is what people are relating to? :)

Thanks for the responses everybody! I didn't know what I expected, but I felt really odd putting the post up. You guys, however, were great.

Reading back over my original post, I realized that I might have sounded a tad wussier about all this than I actually am. Attention from strangers I can handle like nobody's business. I do cold stare amazingly well -- I think it might be the arched eyebrows. :) The problem I have been floundering with is that these are men that I know...all three of the guys at the party, and most of the people at the table, have been to my house at least once for a social event and most of them a lot more than that. I have been chatting with that particular bagboy for at least three years and the Starbucks guy for something like two. It is the KNOWN factor that has made it sooo darn uncomfortable -- but I'm getting there.

Besides, with all my new muscles, I'm pretty sure I could take most of them down if I needed to...and I could DEFINITELY outrun ALL of them.

Lainey2 Thanks for saying I'm stunning. I don't think I live up to that particular title...but it was a nice thing to say. The picture was taken a couple of months ago by my husband, and I think I look a little goofy in it, but my husband likes it a lot because he says my smile looks like my "real smile" and not my "picture smile"...so that is why I chose it...in my pursuit of being the "real me" on here.

Oh wow. I totally know how you feel. I lost a lot of weight after college. By a lot I mean from 180 to about 135. I used to be the girl everyone wanted to chill with and watch football with and go to a bar with...but then everything changed.

I totally don't have "fight off the sketchy guys" skills. I have to learn them. But I still see myself as just the "friend" girl. But the hardest part is definitely guys you've known for a long time that you have a "different" relationship with after weight loss.

This time I'm not even gonna care. If one of my co-workers or husbands co-workers hits on me...I'm gonna be like..."Oh no, tell me you just didn't rub my arm. Just tell me it was the wind or something. Because I KNOW you just didn't do that with my husband right over there. Because I know if you did, he'd be beating your *** right now and I'd be holding you down....so I'm really glad for you that it was just the wind...and for me because i don't want to f up my new dress."

I can't stand that crap. I look nice and I'm having a drink. Both totally normal things. If someone wants to freak out about that, its not my fault. I refuse to feel like I'm the one under attack!

This time I'm not even gonna care. If one of my co-workers or husbands co-workers hits on me...I'm gonna be like..."Oh no, tell me you just didn't rub my arm. Just tell me it was the wind or something. Because I KNOW you just didn't do that with my husband right over there. Because I know if you did, he'd be beating your *** right now and I'd be holding you down....so I'm really glad for you that it was just the wind...and for me because i don't want to f up my new dress."

LOL, I like it. You reminded me of that song, "Never Gonna Get It."

u look great. i agree men r pigs. my husband's old boss was the worst. everytime he'd see me he'd tell james "ur wife gets hotter everytime i see her" the worse comments though r about my boobs growing. i'm like omg no they aren't my stomach is just shrinking thanks for noticing. ur lookin' hot though so ya might wanna brush up on those man handling skills.

Hi, My name is Kris.
Although I am overweight again. I have been quite slim before. I had lost alot of weight and I was younger , cute [sigh] and I started getting so much attention. I didnt like it at all. From my husband uh... Yauh , loved it!! But from strangers it made me feel very exopsed almost like I had no skin... weird! It must be all those layers of fat I had been packing around. They ' protected' me the only attention I got was sliding judgmental looks or ignored. Is this what slim women put up with on a daily basis? It was kinda exausting.

Take care of yourself. You did all this work for you! Not them. Remember all the gentlemen out there that are not doing this. Remember your own man who would not do this. Dont loose faith in people. The women are threatened thats all. As long as you stand by your behaviour as decent they are the ones with the problem. Good luck and wish me some too!:hug:

This is probably bad, but I've become desensitized to the skeeviness. I first encountered it as a teenager, was initially offended, then thought, "Ok, well, I guess that's just how men are! :mad:" Then, I went and dated another woman :lol:

When I gained the weight, most of the skeeviness just came to a halt. At first, I just thought, "Oh, I'm not experiencing it anymore because I'm in a serious relationship," until I stepped on a scale :o In some sort of weird way, I MISSED the skeeviness. I missed men stopping to stare a little too long. I missed having strangers approach me and ask me for my number. I missed the cat calls. I missed the inappropriate comments. The only thing I didn't miss was strangers groping me :lol:

It really is appaling what guys think they can get away with saying. I had my boss tell me I had a cute little butt. I had a co-worker ask to grab my boob. If I bend over at work, one of the guys will either preten to hump me or say, "HMMM! That looks very SEXUAL!" and now, just like you Schumeany, if I smile a little too wide because I'm genuinely enjoying someone's company, guys think I must be interested.

Boys will be boys, I think. Just let them know if they are making you uncomfortable. Men sometimes act like pigs because they think they can get away with it and often do. Set them straight and put them in their places :D And remember... their admiration is only an indicator of how hard you busted your butt to get to where you are ;)

I remember last year I was at a party and I was dancing with a bunch of my girlfriends and somebody I knew for YEARS, actually one of my DD's best friend's dad, came up to me on the dance floor, grabbed my @$$ and whispered in my ear, loudly with his hot breath on me, "You're so f*$*%g hawt. Uch, I can still feel his hot breath on me right now. Uch. Just uch. My husband was feet away and so was his wife. This is someone who never gave me the time of day, back in the day.

I don't know what it is that gives men the right to do this. Do they really think that that's what women want? Uch.

I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. Sounds like you were bombarded one after the other at that party. Could not have been fun. How dare they make you feel so uncomfortable. I think it's good to have some phrases on tap for the next time something like this happens. And you know that it will. Because men will be boys.

I am shocked though how men behave. Shocked. I mean I'm no beauty, not even close, I'm 45 years old and have got lots of wear and tear. But they are relentless sometimes. I wonder how old a woman has to be in order for her to be safe from that kind of stuff. Some of it IS flattering to. And some of it is downright unpleasant and - skeevy.


I know for me, one of the reasons that I got as heavy as I did was to keep men away from me. I know it for sure (childhood incident, yada yada and all that). I did actually think that I would have to deal with it if/when I lost the weight. But I figured that I am older now and could handle it better and there was more of a risk for me to remain that weight then deal with the unwanted attention.

Some of these stories, ugh. I am no fan in general of slapping. But in these cases, you have been assaulted, and I think it's self-defense.

Thanks for saying I'm stunning. I don't think I live up to that particular title...but it was a nice thing to say. The picture was taken a couple of months ago by my husband, and I think I look a little goofy in it, but my husband likes it a lot because he says my smile looks like my "real smile" and not my "picture smile"...so that is why I chose it...in my pursuit of being the "real me" on here.

That was really sweet and really genuine what you just said above. :hug:

I asked my boyfriend about unwanted attention. I asked him why guys do it even though they KNOW you have a boyfriend/husband.
He said, "give a guy ANY attention and they're all over it, they think they have a chance".
I said, "what do you mean by attention?"
He said, "Basically, just being nice and talking to them is attention".

LOL. ARGH!
*throws hands up in the air with frustration*

~CGH~

Schumeany, I know what you mean. I feel so vulnerable any time my physical appearance is discussed and most especially when men notice me or say things. I posted last week about a man in public telling me how nice my jeans looked on me and went so far as to ask the brand! It was somewhat flattering but in some way I felt violated on the spot and do right now typing this. I feel unprepared for dealing with this after being fat for so long. I mean, guys never even made eye contact with me before--now when I look up I notice almost daily men looking at me in the eyes and all over actually. If he liked the way I looked I would rather him just come up and say something to the effect of, "I like your style--are you involved?" and go from there instead of making some stupid comment.

By the way Schumeany, I happen to think you are stunning too--and yep, your hair is precious! :)

That was really sweet and really genuine what you just said above. :hug:

I asked my boyfriend about unwanted attention. I asked him why guys do it even though they KNOW you have a boyfriend/husband.
He said, "give a guy ANY attention and they're all over it, they think they have a chance".
I said, "what do you mean by attention?"
He said, "Basically, just being nice and talking to them is attention".

LOL. ARGH!
*throws hands up in the air with frustration*

~CGH~

I've heard the same thing, and its really unfortunate that some men have this idea that any niceness from a woman translates to them having a chance with her.

Schumeany: I'm sorry you have to be put in that situation, its amazing how people make it difficult for others to be who they are. How ridiculous, that your actions are viewed as meaning more than they actually do, that friendliness is now an invitation for unwanted attention. The comments and behavior of these men is just unsettling. I'm glad you've mastered the stern look, its gotten me out of a few situations myself. :)

Schumeany, I think you are beautiful and charismatic. Your personality shines through that picture. And, you look A LOT like one of my aunts, who has been known for her beauty her entire life :)

And Robin, you're beautiful, too. What's up with all this humility here?! :lol:

I was a really conceited teenager (I was always called "hot", did modeling, was somewhat well-liked, yada yada, superficiality everywhere) but after my weight gain, I had absolutely no confidence, nor did I get hit on much. The attention from men after my weight loss has honestly inflated my ego and made me think, "Wow, I must be some sort of hot if all these men are suddenly attracted to me..." and I know most of those silly men would not have even looked twice at me had I been my "former" self. :mad:

I remember last year I was at a party and I was dancing with a bunch of my girlfriends and somebody I knew for YEARS, actually one of my DD's best friend's dad, came up to me on the dance floor, grabbed my @$$ and whispered in my ear, loudly with his hot breath on me, "You're so f*$*%g hawt. Uch, I can still feel his hot breath on me right now. Uch. Just uch. My husband was feet away and so was his wife. This is someone who never gave me the time of day, back in the day.



Ew, ew, ew, ew! Skeevy is right. Why do people act like that? His poor wife....Poor Robin. If it happens again, slug him. (do we have a boxing smiley?)

You people are an easy sell in the beauty department, but I'll accept the compliments with a big smile. Thank you.

Shane, I always love your posts. You are so truthful about how you feel and so frank about how much you appreciate your weight loss and your new body...it is absolutely charming.

I am really glad I wrote the original post. I kept starting it and stopping it. I couldn't get what I wanted to say quite right. It is a really complicated issue because, of course, knowing people appreciate your looks is nice, but too much appreciation is not...and so I feel sort of like I have a split personality on the issue (Thighs Be Gone your post about the guy asking you about your pants was the perfect example of this.). Anyway, it is nice to know (Sort of...) that I'm not the only one who has experienced the problem (And worse...Robin that story about the butt groper is awful. Kind of makes my little "whole body press" seem tame...) or is worried about it happening to them as they get slimmer. I think it is something that is important to talk about and prepare women for...especially if they have always been the "fat" friend or have been for a long time...it is kind of a shock to the system how predatory a lot of men, even men you may have known for a long time, can be. I, at least, was ill-prepared to handle it. And it hurts when some women are suddenly colder towards you when all you have done is shed a few pounds.

Actually, this whole thing is kind of ironic in my situation because before I took my current job running a non-profit, I was a civil rights and anti-discrimination lawyer -- I have worked on plenty of work place sexual harassment cases, etc. So if they were MY co-workers, I'd know what to do...not so much in a quasi-social situation with my husband's co-workers. This has all made me feel humbled a bit thinking back on all that "free" advice I gave my clients about how to deal with their harrassers...sometimes easier said than done -- especially when it is extremely subtle like an inappropriately "hot" look or a seemingly innocent "affectionate" touch that is obviously not so innocent if you catch the man's eye.

Shane, I always love your posts. You are so truthful about how you feel and so frank about how much you appreciate your weight loss and your new body...it is absolutely charming.

:o :o :o Awwww, thank you! That means a lot. Really. :)

You know, on the topic of men and their sometimes doggish ways, one of my male friends told me, "Our whole lives are based around getting some. It's all we think about, all the time. @$$. @$$. @$$. @$$. More @$$. The only time a guy isn't thinking about getting some is after he busts a nut." Most of my male friends have also admitted to cheating on their girlfriends (though I'm not saying women are necessarily better in that department!) BUT say that if they ever found out their girlfriends were cheating on THEM, they would be very angry/upset and break up with them. I wonder what gives them the audacity to think they can be like rock stars in that department.

I've also noticed (both from my own personal experiences and from conversing with other women) that infidelity in our gender usually happens when there is unhappiness involved. These guys I know cheat just 'cause... they can. I think it's amazing how these married men (as the ones mentioned above) just go on and hit on all these other women, thinking nothing of it.

I wish there were things we could do to make that kind of behavior simply unacceptable. If men knew they couldn't get away with it, fewer of them would try it, and we'd all be safer.

just wanted to weigh in on from a man's point of view, first off not all men are "pigs" in fact it has been my experience that MOST men aren't pigs it's the small minority that get all the attention and give us a bad name.

Also getting unwanted attention is not a gender specific thing. I have seen many, many cases in my years where an older woman (usually a boss) will say many of the same things that was said in this case to a young buff man.

Basically what we have here is that you have lost weight and you look better hence you will be more attractive to men and because you are more attractive they will hit on you more. And it doesn't have to be a man or a woman for a person to not respect that someone is married.

And seriously is it really so bad???

I mean you could be in MY shoes. I was born an fugly baby, I'm not very handsome now and I am pretty sure that even if reach my goal I will still have to dazzle the ladies with my personality and not my looks! LOL!

But seriously this "all men are pigs" stuff is pretty sexist and women wouldn't like it if it was the other way around.

I say embrace your attractiveness and develop a sense a humor and have a bunch of funny snappy answers memorized.

For instance the clod who pressed the full length of his body against you and whispered "You are gorgeous!"

How funny it would have been if you looked back at him and gave him the once over and said with an icy smile ... "Sorry I can't say the same about you"

Boy would that cure him! And thats NOT being mean HE overstepped the boundaries!

... and by the way... you DO look good in short hair! LOL! :D

Hey Flatiron,

Thanks for posting a man's perspective. It was a brave thing to do, and getting the other gender's perspective on this is a good thing.

You'll note you never heard me say in my posts on this that "all men are pigs". It simply isn't true. There are plenty of men out there who are absolutely wonderful, respectful, amazing people. That said, however, what I am not sure a lot of men take into account with women is the fact that when men hit on women in a very aggressive way, it isn't just unpleasant. For a woman, it often feels unsafe. Men are generally bigger and stronger, and when you are married and you know they know you are married, it makes you sort of wonder what ELSE they might be capable of doing when they pursue you that aggressively or look at you like you're dinner. The whole body pressed against mine was unpleasant, and what you said I should have said to him is actually pretty much what I did say to him, but it wasn't just that he had his pelvis thrust against my rear that was the icky part...it was what that MEANT he might be capable of if he ever happened to get me alone in a room that didn't have three hundred people in it.

And, yes, it really is that bad when you are chatting with the bagboy at your grocery store, who you have known for three years and who has seen your husband with you a hundred times, but regardless, while standing a foot away from you next to your car in an empty parking lot, he starts talking about how "hot" you are and looking at you like he might actually be bold enough to touch you. It isn't just bad...it is really, really creepy.

So a lot of the anger you hear in the posts by some of the women on here is not being driven by blind "men are pigs" kind of thinking. It is being driven by the discomfort created by men who, at best, have little respect for personal boundaries or who aren't looking at a woman as a person but as an object, and, at worst, are so overt or inappropriate about it that it can be unnerving.

Anyway, that is my take. Oh, and thanks for the hair compliment, by the way. :) And as for the "handsome" thing? Good looking is over-rated. Personally, I'm a total "geek freak". Intelligence is my thing...that and a solid sense of humor. Ms. Right will find you.

There are days when I have to remind myself that not all men are pigs because of the consistent actions of a large enough percentage to make it a common reason women list for gaining weight. I do know decent men, and I do know that some women can be pretty bad, but the things that some men do just really stick out in a gal's memory.

I appreciate you weighing in. I think that laughing it off downplays the feeling of being violated. It's hard to describe to someone who hasn't been through it, but it's like you don't have value as a human being with thoughts and feelings and a right to be respected and have your body to yourself. Imagine people could walk up and spit in your face at any time, in any location, like your body belonged to them at their whim and you were expected to just put up with it or, worse, LIKE it.

It isn't the attention. I wouldn't mind if someone expressed interest (hasn't happened much at all since I've gained weight, and then it's only come in a creepy way, like the old guy who comes up to me and says "I've got some Viagra in my wallet."). It isn't the idea of being admired or told you're attractive that is the problem. It's the repeated disregard for personal and social boundaries. I mean, really, does that guy at the party actually believe she ENJOYED having him press up against her? It's a disgusting power thing. Does the bag boy actually believe she'll just toss aside her marriage for a fling with him? What the **** was he thinking?! People (women and men) shouldn't have to memorize snappy answers. There should be a basic level of respect that is expected.

I understand where you're coming from, and maybe it seems like any attention would be better than none, but it really, truly isn't. There are women who purposefully do things (such as gain weight) so that they can eliminate the attention. For them, unhassled solitude is better than random aggression and degradation.

And, seriously, I wish more men thought they had to dazzle women with their personality and the way they treated women. I sympathize. I know it can be the challenge of "why bother to lose weight if the thin me isn't going to be appealing, anyway?" There will always be a shallow segment of society that makes decisions based on looks alone, but if you learn how to treat a woman and show her you really see who she is, then the right woman will appreciate you.

I am glad you brought this up! When I was in high school I lost 30 lbs and went from being invisible to being hit on non stop and it made me feel sooo uncomfortable. Before I lost the weight I thought I couldn't wait for the day that I would get male attention but then when it happened I just couldn't handle it. I wanted to blend in and not have to constantly fend off male attention. I also got a lot of attention from older men and that grossed me out. It sounds bad but that is one reason why I haven't lost weight since I had babies, in some ways I like being able to blend in. I know that this time when I lose the weight I will be more prepared and hoepfully it will just roll off my back and won't bother me.

You are very beautiful so I can see why you are getting the attention but I can also see why it would be uncomfortable, esp. since you are married and men are saying things to you in front of their wives.

I appreciate you weighing in. I think that laughing it off downplays the feeling of being violated.

There is a BIG difference in laughing something off that made you feel uncomfortable and using sharp wit and humor put someone in their place.

Think of a comedian who gets heckled by a drunken audience member. He doesn't just laugh it off he uses his rapier sharpened wit to verbally filet the poor sap in front of the rest of the audience!

But then what do I know about this?? I'm a guy and if everywhere I went women were hitting on me I would have to pinch myself and make sure I didn't die and go to heaven! LOL!

But seriously.... I don't mean to diminish Schumeany's situation. There are always going to be jerks (men OR women) in this world and I'm just saying it's better to handle it than to not handle it and go away feeling bad. It gives them power and they don't deserve it.

Yanno, Schumeany, you laid the foundation for this discussion before you even made your first post on the thread.

You so clearly and succinctly articulated not only *where*, but *what* the line is:

["Why, yes, those are size 4 jeans hugging my posterior today. Thanks for noticing!"]

That's it. There's the line, perfectly stated. You should consider a career in law! :D

Maryblu, actually, I am lawyer...or, at least, I have a law degree. My signature line, however, is an inside joke for the other posters on this site...not an open invitation to the world at large. :)

Edit: It might, however, work quite nicely in the right situation...

But then what do I know about this?? I'm a guy and if everywhere I went women were hitting on me I would have to pinch myself and make sure I didn't die and go to heaven! LOL!

I think this is the problem right there. I've heard a lot of guys say that. That right there says that you are NOT having the same experience. Maybe it would help if what you had to fend off all the time was men rubbing themselves on you. Men eyeing you like dinner, and making innuendos at you. Men that are bigger than you and could overpower you without trying.

Men that are bigger than you and could overpower you without trying.

I think this is definitely part of it. In many instances it can be downright scary when a man approaches a woman. Most likely that would not be the case if a woman were to approach a man.

Being uncomfortable and scared is not enjoyable, fun or flattering.

I know what you mean about using wit to defend yourself rather than just accept it. I'm getting to the point where I favor not just wit, but loudness and even a good smack. If the guy at the party knew that it was likely the woman he was rubbing against would deck him and loudly tell all of his co-workers and his wife that he'd just sexually battered her, then I bet he would think twice about doing something like that to her or anyone else. I feel sorry for his wife. Who knows what STDs he's bringing home? A man who acts like that needs to correct his behavior before he has anyone.

I don't know how many women you're around on a regular basis, but if you're around a reasonable amount, try taking a week and looking at each one and truly asking yourself how you'd feel if they were constantly hitting on you. EVERY woman. The grandmas. The strangers. The ugly ones. Keep in mind that you aren't allowed to imagine them actually caring anything about you as an individual. Not your history or your hobbies or your goals or your thoughts or your accomplishments. They only reason they're hitting on you is to make themselves feel better, feel more powerful. They may not say it out loud, but you know that deep down they feel contempt for you. If they truly admired you, they'd treat you with respect. After a week of that, you may find your perspective changes.

^that is a very good point, I agree!

One of the best lines ever from Gavin De Becker in "The Gift of Fear" (great book, go check it out) is: "Men are afraid women will laugh at them; women are afraid men will kill them."

We really do have two very different experiences when it comes to the opposite sex.

I've been getting a little more attention from men as I've lost weight -- but not so much to make me feel that uncomfortable though.

i've noticed that i'm getting hit on by a different type of person than hit on me before. when i was heavier, i mostly got hit on by butch lesbians and men of color. it was pretty awesome, no lie. i'm lily-white, so getting attention from non-white people was nice. (i have a booty.)

now, i get hit on by "hipster" dudes and frat boys. i think i preferred my admirers before!!

"Men are afraid women will laugh at them; women are afraid men will kill them."

We really do have two very different experiences when it comes to the opposite sex.

Wow. Quite the quote there. Which is basically what I was trying to say when I wrote this, only Gavin put it in a much more powerful and succint way:

In many instances it can be downright scary when a man approaches a woman. Most likely that would not be the case if a woman were to approach a man.

Schumeany, your original post didn't sound conceited at all, it sounded like reality! Been there.

I've been thinner and I went through stuff like you and others have mentioned since I was a teenager. In junior high for a short time a couple of guys in school followed me and my friend, making comments and trying to grope us. I've been groped and followed off a bus, to where I ducked into a cab to get away from the creep. I've been stalked by 3 different people...one in person, one who would send me pictures in the mail and keep calling my number, which was listed at the time (had my then boyfriend call his phone # and say he was a cop) and one online (who followed me across two online services masquerading as different people). Fortunately, I knew the first guy to be basically harmless and nonviolent, just persistent. I didn't even know the last two guys! Then there's the stares that don't back down. Needless to say, I had my fill a long time ago of guys overstepping boundaries, especially where you don't know what the person is capable of. I basically learned to adopt an aloofness. If I ignore it and go on my way like I didn't notice or couldn't care less, more often than not, they don't approach me further.

The comment about any sort of attention coming across as interest to a lot of guys is accurate. The first guy I mentioned, he glommed onto me when we met for the first time at work when he held open the door for me and I said "thank you." This man also ended up telling me later that he was hungry and that I was the tastiest looking morsel he'd seen in a long time.
Another person, in a later job, needed directions so I went on Mapquest and got him directions. Somehow, this became incentive for this older, married man to try to look up my phone number, which, fortunately, I had changed and unlisted thanks to stalker #2. He was at my work site for a brief time but he kept coming around me. I hadn't been at the job long at that time and it made me very uncomfortable so I went to my boss and she told him to back off. He actually told her he thought I was showing interest in him and she told him, no, that I just helped him out because I'm a nice person.

That statement by Gavin is, at the core, so true. (I always remembered seeing him on Oprah years ago saying "never allow yourself to be taken to a second location.") Seriously, most women are physically weaker and smaller than most men...and most rapes are committed by men against women. Between our own natural self-preservation instinct, what we see going on around us and what we've been taught since we were little, we're pretty much wired with a defensive instinct. I won't say it's always in the forefront of our minds but it's there swimming around in the recesses.

I wonder how some men would feel about their behavior if their daughters, wives or sisters told them some of these things the women here mentioned happened to them. Does a father want to hear that some dude rubbed up against his daughter and groped her @ss or told her she was effing hot? And that's assuming the guy isn't so full of himself or so down on himself that he does stuff like that to build up his ego, regardless of the effect it has on women.

Flatiron, if you are still reading this thread, I did want to weigh back in for a second, because it might seem impossible to meet a woman with all the talk about women being worried about being killed, etc...unfortunately, it is sort of true, and that probably feels like kind of a big hurdle! There are, however, plenty of ways to approach a woman without her feeling threatened at all. In fact, I recently had a really sweet experience in this regard.

I was at Starbucks and three firemen walked in. While they were standing behind me in line, I dropped some change, and one of them leaned over to helped me pick it up. As he handed it back to me, I made a joke about being a klutz, and that got us talking about the fact that they had been on a lot of calls with all the snow and ice we have been having lately -- with people slipping and falling. Somehow the conversation turned to hiking (I was carrying a pack from REI on my shoulder. He noticed an INTEREST of mine and subtlely brought it into the conversation)...and being careful hiking in the winter because the trails are more dangerous and slippery and the weather can turn nasty...etc., etc.

After I got my coffee, I went over to put some milk into it. I could see that the two other guys were urging their friend over towards me. I kind of braced for the come on, but when he came over to me, the FIRST thing he asked was whether the ring on my finger was a wedding band. SCORE ONE for the fireman. :) When I said yes, he sighed and said he figured as much because all the great women he meets are always too great to be single. SCORE TWO -- he was talking about ME, as a person, and not my body. So he starts telling me about the fact that meeting women in bars is not his thing, but that it is really hard to meet women in bookstores and coffee shops (I was holding a copy of a new mystery I got for Christmas in my hand...he pays attention to details.), and that as a member of the Mountaineers (Shared interest...he noticed my pack and we had already talked about hiking...), he would like to meet women hiking, but he doesn't want to freak a woman out by seeming like some creepy guy hitting on her in the woods (SCORE THREE -- putting a woman at ease by making it clear that he recognizes that men often scare women with heavy-handed come-ons, and he is considerate enough that he is worried about approaching them in a context that would make them uncomfortable.). It was a really nice conversation, and sort of made my day. It was cute...so cute that I have been racking my brain to think of any single women I know that I could send on over to the Station!

While I am sure my book and my pack were not the only reason he came over to talk to me, he NOTICED them and cared enough to find some common ground before approaching me. He made it clear, or at least he is smart enough to know to say, that the casual bar scene is not his thing (In essence, he is interested in a woman as a person and not just a piece of a$$ for a one night stand.).

Yah, if I had been single, I would have gone off to help him find his lost puppy... :D

*sigh*

Yet another reason why I love living next door to a firehouse :dizzy:

um, that fireman sounds awesome.

Yeah, I wished I lived in Seattle right about now....... :)

That's GREAT advice.

I suppose that extra attention is part of the price of having an attractive body as men aren't going to change any time soon. I don't see this kind of behavior around the people I hang out with, but maybe the computer industry is nerdy enough that guys don't grope women.

As far as a practical solution goes, avoiding guys who are like this, avoiding make up and wearing not tight clothing would all reduce the amount of grope attempts.

Wow. It's like what I went through when I got fatter, except with guys who prefer larger women. To each his own or whatever, but I have to say, if a guy thinks he is being more open-minded because he dates fat girls, but he only dates fat girls (and is disrespectful of slender women, calling them 'skinny b****es' whether he actually knows them or not) because he likes the large body type better, that doesn't make him any less of a PIG than a man who exclusively dates tiny women.

Sorry went off on a rant there. Seriously, though, it all just goes to show that there is no happy medium and there will always be a judgement of some kind passed on our bodies, be it negative criticism or the assumption of um, receptivity, perhaps? IDK

And I adamantly disagree that you should intentionally make yourself less attractive by changing the way you dress or by foregoing makeup. Taking the time and personal effort to make yourself attractive is something that you should do for yourself, if you want to look nice and looking nice makes you happy. No one has any right to presume on your looking well-groomed and showing off the fruits of your hard work and effort in the way that suits you best.

As far as a practical solution goes, avoiding guys who are like this, avoiding make up and wearing not tight clothing would all reduce the amount of grope attempts.

Hard to avoid "guys like this" as they don't announce themselves ahead of time and quite frankly, there's just too darn many of em'. Staying home 24/7 to avoid them isn't quite a realistic option either. ;)

And yes, we dress for ourselves, doesn't mean just because someone puts some care and effort into how they look, that it gives a man the right to make inappropriate comments/grope. What about men exercising some self-control?

I don't know, this kind of thinking reminds me of how when G-d forbid, a woman is raped and they try to blame it on the woman. As if somehow it's her fault. She "asked" for it.

i think we might also have to keep in mind that it's not just men who give unwanted attention. i have gotten plenty of that from women (both sexually and platonically) since i've lost weight.

i think we might also have to keep in mind that it's not just men who give unwanted attention. i have gotten plenty of that from women (both sexually and platonically) since i've lost weight.

I too have gotten attention from women since I've lost the weight. But never, ever did I feel physically threatened in any shape, manner or form.

yeah, that's true. though i think i am more scared of women than of men. women fight dirty.

just thought i'd throw my two "men aren't always the baddies" cents in. :)

As far as a practical solution goes, avoiding guys who are like this, avoiding make up and wearing not tight clothing would all reduce the amount of grope attempts.

You're assuming 1) women (and young girls) that this is happening to all dress that way and 2) that it makes a difference to some guys. It does not. I don't think I've worn a tank top in public since I was a kid, and I haven't worn a dress in over 15 years. In other words, my make-up is minimal and I tend to be on the low-maintenance side. I don't get this assumption that this is happening to women that go around looking and dressing like Pamela Anderson or something. It happens more often and to a lot more women than people might think and not cuz we look like calendar models.

Word, rockinrobin. Why don't some men just control themselves better or deal better with their own egos (or lack therof) so that they wouldn't feel the need to do stuff like this?

I don't know, this kind of thinking reminds me of how when G-d forbid, a woman is raped and they try to blame it on the woman. As if somehow it's her fault. She "asked" for it.


I agree Robin.

I never wore makeup or dressed in tight clothing and still dealt with scummy attention and being groped.

To clarify, I adamantly agree that nobody should have to change their appearance or company to reduce awkward sexual advances.

My argument was that doing so would reduce, on average, the number of gropes. trekkiegirl is the closest to a successful rebuttal, stating more or less that this is false, though a few assumptions are added that did not exist in my argument. Also, it would be nice to provide alternative suggestions.

I have found that changing my actions is a more effective solution than expecting everyone else to change. While guys should act differently, if you're unable to tell which ones are likely to act inappropriately beforehand, I believe that my suggestions would reduce the inappropriate behavior until they do change. Avoiding these guys entirely has the added benefit of giving them the hint that they should change their behavior.

rockinrobin, I can't tell if this is an association fallacy or ad hominem. My argument is not wrong because it reminds you of one that is.

The guys I am friends with do not do this, but they are mostly the nerdy type. Well there is that one guy, but he's an exception and it's totally obvious just from the way he looks and acts.

Are there any aspects of men that correlate with their willingness to act in this way? It could, for instance, be inversely related to level of education, but that's just a guess because I can't think of any PhDs off-hand that would do that.

I know some MDs who do, so I do not believe it is inversely related to the level of education.

I disagree with the the assertion that if I toned down my look that unwanted attention would cease. In fact, the most shocking behavior for me occurs when I least expect it- when my hair is gross and I'm in sweats.

Men are men. And some men are disrespectful. This has nothing to do with economic class or educational background. That's kind of like me saying that because you work in the IT field you must have poor social skills.


Now you're welcome to debate this into the ground (I get the impression that's really the only reason you're on this site), but most people do not come here to have formal debates. They come here for support.

I have found that changing my actions is a more effective solution than expecting everyone else to change.

It's unfair, but, unfortunately it's true. For instance, my choosing to not wear tank tops is partially due to my own self-consciousness but also awareness that the more I show, the more looks (and possibly more) I'll get and I really don't want the hassle--like I said, I've had some rather unpleasant experiences in the past (wearing a lot more than tanks tops and shorts) that potentially could have been worse so I've become, and this may sound rather oxymoronic, both more observant yet more aloof at the same time. I do have some resentment over the fact that I have to make certain deliberate choices for my own safety because I can't trust others to take responsibility for themselves, much less for me. But I'm used to it. I mean, I'm a female living in NYC. I learned a long time ago which things may be riskier than others.

Are there any aspects of men that correlate with their willingness to act in this way? It could, for instance, be inversely related to level of education, but that's just a guess because I can't think of any PhDs off-hand that would do that.

If I had to pick one thing, in a rather general, umbrella sense, and I don't think it's an absolute by any means, I think it has more to do with culture, upbringing and society. By all of that, I mean, people learn by what they see, what they're exposed to, what they're shown or taught, either by words or behavior, regardless of economic status or formal education. A CEO can be just as much an egotistical misogynist/Don Juan/gropygrabber as a busboy. Sometimes it may even be more so because some people in positions of power, authority or esteem may think they can exert that same power in other areas of life.

I don't think this thread is about trying to bash men nor should it be about what a woman is wearing and whether that increases her chances of being hassled. And I'm not going to deny that, yes, there are women who know what they are doing, or think they know, when they do dress and act a certain way...because they want attention. This thread is about when it's not wanted, not sought, not appreciated. That is when I think there needs to be a basic respect between people....that you don't touch someone in a flirtatious or sexual manner unless you know them or you've been given the okay. It would be just as disrespectful if I started groping any guy I thought was cute, regardless of who he was, or if he was married or whatever. HANDS OFF UNTIL OKAYED as a default train of thought and behavior should be a matter of personal respect, regardless of gender.

Flatiron, if you are still reading this thread, I did want to weigh back in for a second, because it might seem impossible to meet a woman with all the talk about women being worried about being killed, etc...:D

Ahhh I came back to take a peek! LOL! Regarding the Fireman, SEE not all mean are pigs! :D

And as far as impossible of meeting woman... I am a musician so I meet women all the time. The problem is that I am fat so I am the all to familiar "friend" to all the woman I know! LOL!

Hopefully after losing my 140lbs one day I'll meet one that will want to be more than just pals! LOL!

And for all those posts that talk about how weak women are and how strong big bad men are and how they could over power them and hurt them need to come here to my neck of the woods here in Virginia and check out some of the home grown Virginia gals here!

Most of them I wouldn't DARE mess with! Heck most of the women I know around here are packing! LOL! And if they aren't packing they have mace, pepper gas, stun gun or have taken martial arts.

I would feel very sorry for the poor fool who would try and grab my little sister! She is definitely prepared! LOL!

And for the record... not being unable to handle confrontation or uncomfortable situations is not just a woman's condition ... plenty of men can't handle it too.

Not every man is a big strong strapping muscular hunk that looks like he came off the cover of a romance novel.

I understand that men and woman look at things very different BUT....
I still stand by my original statement.

Is it really all that bad to be attractive???

I mean you could be SO ugly children cry when they look at you!

I would dare say that not many (if any!) people would choose to be UNattractive over being attractive.

I can't WAIT until I am skinny! I am a musican and perform a lot on stage (as a sideman NOT the star! LOL!) and if woman start thowing unmentionables at me I'M GONNA LOVE IT! :carrot:

Oy.

All you did was exaggerate what people said, call *that* crazy, and then reiterate that it can't be that bad because you'd love it. It's not even worth going point by point to say how you're misstating what every one has said and ignoring what they did say.

I can't WAIT until I am skinny! I am a musican and perform a lot on stage (as a sideman NOT the star! LOL!) and if woman start thowing unmentionables at me I'M GONNA LOVE IT! :carrot:

:rofl:

Hopefully after losing my 140lbs one day I'll meet one that will want to be more than just pals! LOL!

Just curious...what if then she comes to you and tells you that one of your friends groped her and said some sexually suggestive things to her (disrespecting both her and you), what will you say to her? "It comes with being cute, deal with it"? Would you say anything to your friend at all? What if somebody did it to your little sister when she was, say 13, 14, 15? At what point does the responsibility fall on the guy to just plain not do it, to be aware of certain boundaries? Telling someone you think she's attractive is different than saying she's effing hot and putting your hands on her.

Again...this is unwanted attention we're talking about here. What if there were actually some women you didn't particularly want around you, for whatever reason...and they were the ones that followed you around, grabbed you, said stuff with your girlfriend/wife around?

I don't think you can blame it on age either. I was complimented by two young men this morning (probably something like 19-22 years old). One told me my abs were awesome when I was doing side plank, the other just said I'm getting ripped. Those kind of comments can be given in a leering way. But they were said with just respect and admiration, and not getting physically in my space or trying to start anything.

It's not that men aren't supposed to notice you, or even not supposed to compliment you. It's not that hard to do it appropriately. You just leave your mention or implication of your sexual urges out of it, and stand back ;)

ditto, Julie108.

Do you wear a ring? Become best friends with that metal on your left hand and flash it as much as possible. I had a friend who recently lost alot of weight, and though she didn't have a husband or fiance, there was a serious boyfriend.he'd given her a non-descript promise ring (looked like a plain wedding band) and whenever she felt like she was getting undesired attention, she'd flash it in their faces several times, and step back, holding her hand up in some sort of subtle way that showed the ring and at the same time said, back off, I'm taken! (they broke up but she still uses the ring)

Even if they know you're married, that affinity for showing your ring will subtly tell how committed you are to your lovely hubby :). If they are too dense to get that, they just can't be helped.

As for the your education level comment nil, I can say that it does not seem to make much of a difference. This thread was started by me recounting a series of events at an office party for my husband. My husband is a financial analyst for a private business consulting firm -- arguably the most presitgious firm of its type in the world. These are world class mathematicians, IT specialists, computer modelers and financial experts. They all have college degrees... many of them have graduate degrees as well. We are not talking being hooted at from a construction site...although I have to say that the guys who remodeled my kitchen were one of the nicest bunches of guys I've ever met and were always respectful and polite with me.

In some ways, I'd say the professional thing makes some men worse. Giving some a sense of entitlement (Like Midwife's comment about some MDs she has met.) or a feeling of invincibility that they are "untouchable" because of their money, their education level and their status as "pillars of the community".

I don't think it's their education, power, money or fame. I think men who treat women like objects learned it at a very young age from the father figure in their life.

Recently my 10 year old son had a Birthday Party/ Sleep-over with 6 boys from his class. The boys with the respectful dads were respectful. There was one boy who has had several "live-in" boyfriend step-fatherish kind of situations, and you could definitely tell they were terrible influences on how he treated me...like a dog. This is a 10 year old, who is no longer welcome in our home by the way. Another boy has a jerk for a father and well...he acted just like him. Children learn what they live.

I don't think it's their education, power, money or fame. I think men who treat women like objects learned it at a very young age from the father figure in their life.

Recently my 10 year old son had a Birthday Party/ Sleep-over with 6 boys from his class. The boys with the respectful dads were respectful. There was one boy who has had several "live-in" boyfriend step-fatherish kind of situations, and you could definitely tell they were terrible influences on how he treated me...like a dog. This is a 10 year old, who is no longer welcome in our home by the way. Another boy has a jerk for a father and well...he acted just like him. Children learn what they live.

So sad.

You do look great in your picture.

When men harass you at parties/other places (I generally mean men you already know in some context), I see nothing wrong with bringing a sharp heel (of your shoe) smash down into the instep of their foot. I am being serious. There is no reason we need to be ashamed of being attractive and wanting to display our bodies (within reason), especially after the long hours working to looking the way we want to.

I've taken several self-defense classes. Not to get anyone too freaked out, but it's a national statistic that almost all women who are assaulted (I can't remember the exact %--maybe 80?) are attacked by someone they know.

I do NOT mean to imply that this will happen to you or anyone else at 3FC. I mean we should not be afraid to claim our space, our power and our right to live safely.

I have found that changing my actions is a more effective solution than expecting everyone else to change. .

I agree 100%. If the comments, stares and looks are bothering me, I play it down a while. Is it fair? No--but it's life. I am getting used to attention after being a nobody for so long due to my weight. Some times I am in the mood for it, (providing it's not offensive) sometimes not.

What are you doing that's "playing it up"?

I'm curious about that because I don't exactly walk around winking at strangers wearing red lipstick and stripper heels. The unwanted attention can happen while I'm at the grocery store in my sweats or in professional clothes. I'm just curious how I could play it down...

What are you doing that's "playing it up"?

I'm curious about that because I don't exactly walk around winking at strangers wearing red lipstick and stripper heels. The unwanted attention can happen while I'm at the grocery store in my sweats or in professional clothes. I'm just curious how I could play it down...

Well put.

I have found that changing my actions is a more effective solution than expecting everyone else to change

Oh, I don't *expect* these men to change. I'm not too sure about changing my actions either. What actions would those be exactly? The only thing to possibly change, would be my re-actions.

I'm actually a pretty conservative dresser...in how much skin I shows that is...I'm not comfortable revealing a lot of cleavage or wearing short skirts...actually I don't usually even wear shorts unless I'm working out. I'm kind of a capri girl when the weather permits. So I'm also a little baffled by the "playing it down" discussion...I'm not sure what I would play down. I mean, I wear clothes that fit, not sacks, but usually they are no nonsense clothes, like Eddie Bauer long sleeve t-shirts with jeans or a knee length skirt and boots with a sweater. While I was wearing a cocktail dress at the party that instigated my original post, it was definitely pretty tame compared to a lot of the dresses at that party. Just a plain black sheath...square neckline, knee length. It was a pretty classic dress. I have not found that what I am wearing has much of an impact on the attention, positive or negative, that I receive. In fact, the weirdest experience I had lately in the unwanted attention realm happened while I was wearing my winter coat.

Holy hot av pic!

(I hope that doesn't fall into the category of unwanted attention, but it's a really sharp picture!;))

Thanks Junebug! I just got my hair cut...amazing what miracles a good hairdresser can work with a snip here and a snip there. I figured it was about time to update my look...in reality...and on here too since my last av picture was taken when I weighed around 150.

I used to feel very vulnerable when I was thin. I hated going into a certain area of town when I had to do business. The Italian men there (not a racial comment just a fact) use to look at me like I was a piece of meat and make comments like hey long legged mare! I hated it. I feel like my fat is a suit of armor but yet it is also my prison. I want to feel slim and healthy but I can't seem to get my head on straight. I am afraid I won't know how to handle it again. I really thank you for opening up this can of worms you helped a lot of us express our feelings about this too. Oh, BTW you look great! Those guys are just thinking with there crotches and their wives rightly hate the way they act but take it out on you. Just very nicely say, "I don't appreciate your comments they make me feel uncomfortable." Or ask your husband to say something similar when he is close by.

Farmer, I believe I used my fat as a coat of armor too, for quite a loooong time, in fact.

But then it just got too hard and too difficult to live with that armor (the fat) around me and my quality of life was REALLY suffering. It was NOT the right solution to the "problem". I was missing out on waaaay too much. And that's a shame. When I decided to lose the weight, I figured it HAD to be easier to deal with the unwanted attention, then to go on being in that "prison" that you speak of. And it was a good decision!! I am older and wiser and more eqipped to deal with that unwanted attention. It is part of the package. One of the very few downsides of being at a healthy weight. There are so many more benefits though, it is most definitely worth it. By a real, real LOT. :)

Girl,dont change the way you look dress or act for anyone.

It absolutely gets easier to deal with the attention as you get used to being thin -- I think it helps that I am 37 so I am a little older and wiser than I used to be. The party happened just as I was reaching goal weight, and the change in my appearance and the way people reacted to it was brand new and kind of threw me for a loop. Now, two months later, I am much better equipped and better able to "see it coming" I guess you'd say. While it can still be irritating, my comebacks and my defenses are more tuned for it. Odd situations still arise, but it is not as hard as it seemed at first. And the weight loss itself? It is fantastic. I love my strength and my endurance and, of course, it is fun to feel more attractive and be able to get dressed without trying to hide my tummy or my thighs or whatever. That part is really fun.

It doesn't matter how you dress. You should be able to dress sexy if you want and no one should harass you anyway. Attention and flirting are one thing, but some of the things those men did were outright harassment (and pretty crummy to their wives too).

I think sometimes you also see people's true colors when you are at a certain weight. Those men showed you who they really are ... a part of them that is real. It took you by surprise because you hadn't seen that before. But it's much easier once you know who to have stronger boundaries with.

I've "only" been overweight for about 5 years (two pregnancies ago) and before that I was thin, athletic and attractive (still attractive *grin) so I remember all the scumbags and how tough it is on a daily basis to deal with them. But I also had a better understanding of who I was dealing with and was prepared to handle it.

I'm glad that time is helping you feel stronger and more prepared for dealing with these guys. Now you know what they're capable of - before you didn't, so it was easy for them to sneak up on you.

i am a very happy married woman. I havent reached my goal yet, but my fear is people wont get to know me for me. If they meet me smaller are they really looking at me or looking at my body? I mean how do you figure this out or do you? When I was in high school I lost alot of weight guys that didnt talk to me and hated me all the sudden came out of the wood work and i despised it i was like what you couldnt like me before but you do now that i fit your mode of a perfect woman now? The girls would still call me fat even though apparently i wasnt. so i got slack from both sides. Its just really sad on a whole that most of society doesnt look beyond whats there. my husband looks tough as heck and also has piercings and long hair. That hardly gets looked passed either.

Hey downtomygoal,

I can't tell you that this is not a problem. It is...and friendships with men can be a little more complicated when you more closely resemble the social ideal of beauty. But remember, there are a lot of really great men out there who will still like you for who you are and not just what you look like -- be it thin or fat. It is strangers that can be a bit of a problem...and the worst are friends who you thought were great guys but who turn out to be idiots -- but there aren't really those many of those...at least the kind that come as a COMPLETE surprise by hitting on you, whether you're married or not, or saying something inappropriate completely out of the blue. I think, generally, you can see it coming if you already know the person.

God...I'm starting to get that unwanted attention stuff again. THe other day a guy in the bar would not leave me alone until I said I'd come have a drink with him. I was wearing jeans, a long sleeve t-shirt and still had my fleece jacket on! I had my hair pulled back into a bun and no makeup since I never wear make up. I was having social drinks with co-workers and obviously couldn't just leave, not that I wanted to and he was kind of cute and a reasonably interesing guy (we had chatted for a minute outside have a cigarette)...but ugh...I really hate unwanted attention. It just makes me so...uncomfortable.

This is one of the main reasons I have been stuck at 209 for such a long time. There are other reasons but getting attention again is HARD. People think that losing weight is ALL positive but there are so many changes - physically and emotionally - that it can be overwhelming and scary. Add to that peoples ignorance and GOOD GRIEF !!!

Bad attention is just bad and I don't mean to downplay that at all - just throwing in my two cents.

Omg, the other day at Walmart some guy asked me for my number. Who hits on women at walmart?

This is one of the main reasons I have been stuck at 209 for such a long time. There are other reasons but getting attention again is HARD. People think that losing weight is ALL positive but there are so many changes - physically and emotionally - that it can be overwhelming and scary. Add to that peoples ignorance and GOOD GRIEF !!!

Bad attention is just bad and I don't mean to downplay that at all - just throwing in my two cents.

Yes, getting unwanted attention IS hard. But keeping weight on to avoid it, is even HARDER. I tried that experiment for over 20 years, it was a solution to the unwanted attention - but man oh man did it bring on a whole other slew of problems. Much worse then the unwanted attention. So in the end, it was not a very good solution. Not at all. :(

Omg, the other day at Walmart some guy asked me for my number. Who hits on women at walmart?


I don't get it. Seems like a pretty normal place to meet people.

I don't get it. Seems like a pretty normal place to meet people.

So true. So true. Wal Mart. The Gas Station. The Bank. CVS. The dentists' office. Where ever there are men, there will be *men* hitting on women.

Im there with you also before gaining weight I always hd nice body even without saying anything girls thought i was a slu* just by how i was built and no im not some hot woman or anything haha just that kind of body well being heavy nobody really hits on me which i kind of like to be honest i hate girl's being well girl's and i hate guys in general hitting on me it makes me so unfortable but im sure not going to stay fat becauaes of it ha

I had a guy checking me out yesterday while I was riding my motorcycle, my husband and I both got a kick out of it. I really hate the it seems all men here in this topic are being portrayed as disgusting perverts. Are there some out there yes, but i know a lot of women who are just as bad. I also happen to think a lot of women are to blame for how men perceive most women. Like yesterday, my husband and I, with a group of friends rode to Daytona, do you know how many time we passed a bunch of girls in bikinis washing motorcycles? A bunch. I told the guys that I commended them for not all of a sudden finding bike was dirty. Where there Chippendale looking men on the rode side offering to wash women's bikes? NOPE I think women keep a lot of men very confused. Oh and can't forget the 40 something yr old woman walking around nothing on her lower half than a pair of fishnet pantyhose and a tiny ruffle around her waist, her hiney showing to ALL the world, her and her man just walking around like it was nothing. It was really disgusting. I truly think it is up to women, to teach men to respect them(if there moms and dad didn't teach them) and its hard battle when you have women like that in world.

Willow, I don't think any of us are talking about ALL men or ALL women. And, yes, there are people of both genders who do things and wear things deliberately to get attention, which sounds like some of the people you're describing. The original post, and many of the posts after it (including my own), describe incidents where women were basically minding their own business, and were quite covered up, and some men felt it was okay to cross a line of making comments, touching, etc. Schumeany originally posted about being at her husband's office party when a friend of theirs pressed up against her. That is crossing the line, and that, in no way, was Schumeany's fault.

Yeah, it is hard for the rest of us to deal with the aftereffects and perceptions of women based on what some women do, or based on what the media and businesses continually feed us and unfortunately it tends to fall to the women to try to control the scenario. But your post kind of implies that the men who do cross boundaries have no responsibility. Your post was also mostly describing people who are purposely seeking attention. Yeah, you wear a bikini, you can probably expect to get looked at, although that still doesn't give anyone permission to touch you. Most of us have been recounting incidents when we weren't seeking attention, weren't wearing revealing clothes (in some cases, dressed down or bundled up) and still received lewd comments or someone put their hands on us. Take the scenario with the guy who was checking you out when your husband was there. Now imagine the same basic scenario, only the guy is coming up behind you, pressing himself against you and saying that you are effing hot. Are you thinking he's a jerk or are you blaming yourself that you looked so good he just couldn't control himself?

yes I agree that some men cross lines, but I think some of this thread turned in to an "all men are pigs" thread. It seems that some people seem to think just because they think they look nice, that any man that smiles at them must want to rape them them. I think if you are a single girl in walmart and some guy looks at you and thinks "wow, i would love to meet her" and then is actually brave enough to do so, that doesn't make him a jerk or pig or anything else, that also doesn't mean he isn't one. If you aren't interested, then tell the guy, don't bash him for it.

yes I agree that some men cross lines, but I think some of this thread turned in to an "all men are pigs" thread. It seems that some people seem to think just because they think they look nice, that any man that smiles at them must want to rape them them. I think if you are a single girl in walmart and some guy looks at you and thinks "wow, i would love to meet her" and then is actually brave enough to do so, that doesn't make him a jerk or pig or anything else, that also doesn't mean he isn't one. If you aren't interested, then tell the guy, don't bash him for it.

Nobody said all men are pigs or that if a man smiles at them he wants to rape them. Only you. You are putting words in people's mouths that they did not say or imply. Hopefully you can disagree without grossly exaggerating what people have said.

It had to happen, I guess. This happened a week or so ago, and I was too horrified to even tell the tale.

I haven't read each post on this thread, but I was mostly interested in finding consensus about what behavior crosses the line between genuine admiration and not acceptable. I think most of us concur there are two things that are unacceptable:

Any touching and
hitting on someone

So, I am standing at the counter in the local drug store talking to the pharmacist's tech. about Renova (Retin A) She was asking if I thought it was worth the price, because it is outrageous in cost, and totally a vanity thing, so no insurance coverage... I was saying I thought it was, but not to worry because I usually have friends bring it back from Mexico, when this man at the next counter steps over, takes my face in his hands and says something about my face being beautiful. Total stranger, out of the blue.

I was horrified. He had both hands on either side of my face, and turned it toward him.

EEEEWWW. This is Flu Season; Even I don't touch my face. EEEEWWW. I was at the pharmacy, for heavens sake. He could have been picking up meds for his kid"s head lice..or Staph infection......Yuk...although I thought afterward, he was prolly picking up some Viagra. I can joke now , but who in the world thinks *that's OK?

Maryblu--I have never heard of such a thing! I agree EEEEWWWW! Double EEEEWWWW! I would've jumped straight back and said, "Back off!" As far as unwanted attention goes, I don't have to worry about that much right now because of my weight. Actually, I wouldn't mind a nice glance but if a man does something gross or totally just, well...weird...then no thanks. Most of us do enjoy attention if it is the classy kind (if that makes sense). You know, a candid wink or just some flirty banter back and forth...but like I said, I don't get that now because I am not very attractive (and my body language confirms that I am not attractive) *Note: I am working on the self-esteem thing, thus only 1 of the reasons I am losing weight*

But what is really, really gross....is when you see older men (say 40 or 50 something) hitting on your gorgeous 18 year old daughter. This happens to my daughter ALL the time and it freaks her out. Let's face it--it is a scary world out there.