Weight Loss Support - Unkind comment from family member - don't know what to make of it

12-01-2008, 01:09 PM
Well, let me start by saying, I've been feeling so good about myself lately. I've been sticking to a healthy diet, for the most part and also exercising regularly. I'm starting to see the benefits in looser clothing, and also being more toned and "pulled in" looking. I've also received a couple of nice comments about how I've lost some weight lately. All of this has had my confidence boosted, and I've been enjoying wearing some of the things in my wardrobe that were too tight before. So why is it that one nasty remark can set me all the way back to square one, and have me questioning myself?

I'll make a long story short by saying that I was at a social function recently and my father in law threw a jab my way, for no apparent reason. Why are people so unkind sometimes? I was walking by my FIL, and I noticed him kind of look me up and down, as if he were noticing my outfit. I had worn something that previously I had been unable to fit into. I said "hi" and asked how he was doing, and he replied, " Oh, I'm just getting fatter..." to which I replied, " Oh really? I wouldn't think so, since you eat really healthy...." to which he said, " Oh, I wasn't expecting you to say that....I thought you would say"me too!". The comment really took me aback, and I just said, " Well, thanks for saying that..." and walked away! My FIL is someone who takes pleasure in being very passive/aggressive. Why he targeted me that night, I don't know. I mean, I'm no supermodel, but I am looking and feeling better. That totally ruined my evening.

Now, I find myself doubting all my progress. Have I really gotten any smaller? Are my clothes really fitting better? Do I really look more pulled in from all my core work, or is that my imagination? Sigh. I guess I just needed a place to write my thoughts out. Not sure what I'm looking for here, except some encouragement to just keep going and not backslide. Thanks so much chicks for listening. :grouphug:

12-01-2008, 01:15 PM
Wow. He's not a very nice person. I'm sorry he made you feel so bad. Consider the source and don't give it a second thought. 15 pounds is amazing and I know you look terrific! Don't backslide cause of a jerk. Seriously, it sounds like he has problems. Don't let it get in your head. Release the negative energy and keep up the terrific work!

12-01-2008, 01:16 PM
Don't begin to doubt your progress based on the comments of a jerk! People are always going to say things, even when you are "thin". You have made wonderful progress & you said you can even see it yourself. Keep that as your motivation, you were wearing an outfit you previously could not even fit into! That's amazing! I've learned that some people just try to to make you feel bad about yourself, when in reality, they are just jealous. They're just hating on you because you have taken control of yourself & have begun to lose weight. Don't let it get you down, just keep doing what you have been doing, it's obviously working!

12-01-2008, 01:16 PM
Ack. You can pick your friends, but you can't pick your relatives.

His comment was rude. You took the high road. good for you!
Avoid him, and spend more time with the positive people and things in your life.

12-01-2008, 01:34 PM
He probably just felt the need to cut you down -- you're working out, eating healthily, losing weight, wearing clothes you haven't worn in a while, -- not only do you probably look better physically, but you probably also feel better about yourself and you were probably projecting that. Some people just feel the need to crush any positivity they come across, so I doubt his comments indicate that you AREN'T losing weight or getting smaller; they just reflect the fact that he's mean and negative and can't stand to see other people feel good.

12-01-2008, 01:37 PM
Wow, thanks guys for your responses! Each of you is an inspiration and I really do appreciate the feedback. I'm about to leave for lunch, and I was wanting to drive through the fast food lanes, but I'm going to my local health food shop, and getting a salad! Disgruntledone, no that's not usually how I've responded to him in the past. We have not ever discussed my weight. But that is good food for thought. My FIL is an odd one, for sure! Thanks for the replies and insights. Love this sight for uplifting encouragement!

12-01-2008, 01:38 PM
People like that are the worst kind. This is the same reason that I just can't bring myself to visit my grandmother in the nursing home. I know it seems like she has the worst family ever, but I just can't take being called fat every time I see her. She'll even ask my husband about how "I've changed" and what I'm doing to fix myself. He's sweet and tries to help me, but I always leave there feeling disgusted with myself. I have put on a lot of weight over the last few years, and I haven't been losing any, but that doesn't mean my grandmother should call me fat every time I see her, especially since she's ALWAYS had weight issues and is the reason I gained 30 pounds in 2 weeks when I was 5!!!

People like my grandmother and your FIL are only trying to hurt you because they've been hurt before.

12-01-2008, 01:43 PM
That is just an awful thing to say to anyone.

Think positive and remember the only reason he said anything is probably because he noticed you have lost weight.

Some people just can't handle when others improve themselves. It's a shame you have to deal with a person like that.

12-01-2008, 01:53 PM
If he's putting on weight (especially if he doesn't normally) and you're losing and getting fitter, it could be that he's jealous. Sounds like a jealous comment to me - besides being totally uncalled for.

I agree with whoever said you can't pick your relatives. :) Take the high road and don't let one jealous, nasty snipe throw you off track. YOU know you're doing well - and that's the important thing.


12-01-2008, 02:04 PM
Sometimes people say things without considering for a second how they will land. If you normally have a good relationship, I'd say this was an incident of him not thinking about his words. If he makes that kind of dig regularly? I'd say that this is just him being his usually jerk self, and refuse to dignify it by thinking about it even a second more.

12-01-2008, 02:04 PM
Don't make anything of it! It was a stupid, likely jealous comment made for no apparent reason other than to upset you. There's no reason to dwell on such poisonous words; especially since you know that their implications simply aren't true. :)

12-01-2008, 02:28 PM
He'd been drinking... right?

No one can totally ruin your evening unless you let them. Don't give him that much power. He's just a chirping bird--and a real bird's song means more than his fumbling comment!


12-01-2008, 02:34 PM
My dear...
His comments mean that you ARE losing weight and he noticed it. Otherwise it would not even brought up on the conversation. Because you would look just like always and it doesn’t make any conversation.
The fact is that while good people make you feel good about it, jealous people try to make you feel bad.
That happens to me too and that only make me want even more to lose weight to show I CAN DO IT, too bad if they can’t.
So you think everyone else that complimented you, your mirror, scale and clothes are lying and he is right???
Chances are he is the one who is dreaming... He wish you were getting fatter too.
Don’t make yourself upset over his rude comment, that is exactly what he wants.
Show him that it is just the beginning and be prepared to face more nasty comments... because they will be coming

Thighs Be Gone
12-01-2008, 02:35 PM
Girl, you take those crap comments and make them WORK for YOU. I wonder what he will say the next time he sees you and you are a drop dead HAWTTY! He sounds like he is very spiteful and uncomfortable with himself. You know, if he makes a comment like that again you could always respond, "why would you say something so nasty?" Of course, you handled it well too by walking off!

There is a group in my real world that (last year) went out of their way to make me feel uncomfortable. Three of them to be exact. I am unsure why they did this other than they thought they could get away with "putting the fat girl in her place." I am loving seeing those three now. I know I still have a ways to go but I feel great walking comfortably in my size 8's, heels and jewelry. I am very nice to them by the way--always have been. It makes it even sweeter!

12-01-2008, 02:42 PM
That was pretty rude but just shrug it off. Some people just don't even realize what they are saying or that it would be taken a certain way. Sounds like he has some self-esteem issues of his own. Let him deal with that. Don't let him take it out on you.

12-01-2008, 02:53 PM
Sorry he's such a sad, sad little man. Sounds like this is just more of the same for him. I feel sorry for your hubbie, having to grow up with that guy. Sadly, you'll probably get similar comments from him, especially as you continue to progress, maybe even more of them. Can you make a plan for dealing with him?

12-01-2008, 03:00 PM
Yesss. I love out-nicing people. I'll kill them with kindness or win them over. It is sweet.

Shannon in ATL
12-01-2008, 05:05 PM
I agree that it sounds like his comment was motivated by jealousy at the changes you are making for yourself, or his own insecurity, if they aren't typical for him. And like Amanda said, if they are typical for him then he is just a mean, small man. He likely figured that since you were dieting and making a noticeable change in yourself that you were self conscious about your progress and decided to poke at it. Don't let him get you down. You are doing this for you, not for him! :)

12-01-2008, 06:01 PM
Wow! I came back here this afternoon to check my thread, and I'm blown away by all your replies. I really do appreciate the support. Each of you has a great insight to offer. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I'm not very computer literate so do not know how to past replies, and then comment on them, ya know? BUT, each of you makes a great point. Sometimes it is helpful to just have some feedback. I've come to some conclusions after reading your comments: 1. I didn't imagine he was being rude, he really was, 2. I can't let someone else's problem with himself affect me and how I view myself and 3. I need to develop a plan to deal w/ future comments like that. Thank you so much chicks! :hug:

12-01-2008, 07:29 PM
Never mind him...just keep doing what you are doing...You handled that situation with grace and class, something he might not have no matter what he weighs...

12-01-2008, 08:56 PM
I need to develop a plan to deal w/ future comments like that. :


to quote someone hit the quote button in their comment, and then just delete the sections you don't want. (Leaving the quote instructions intact.)

I find that having a response can be really helpful. One of the best is "Why would you say something like that?" Let him struggle with a response! (Of course the other might be, "No, I'm headed in the other direction."

Good luck, toxic folks are just that...don't give them power over you.

12-01-2008, 10:05 PM
See, I was thinking meaner things, like "Wow, is your eyesight going, too?" But probably not very productive as a comment.

12-02-2008, 09:59 AM
People who make cruel remarks to others are usually in terrible emotional pain and don't have the depth or insight to comfort themselves in a healthy way. They look for people that are sensitive then try to "bring them down". They feel superior for a short time, then start looking for another victim. You were right to take the high road.
I try to remember that all mean comments really mean- "I'm in unspeakable pain and don't know how to help myself"
It takes the sting and embarrassment out of the situation and helps me recover from the awkward situation quickly.

12-02-2008, 10:20 AM
Please don't let a careless comment from one person make you doubt yourself. You ARE doing great! You've lost 15 pounds, clothes that were too small previously are fitting again, and most importantly, you're feeling GOOD about yourself! These are all good things!

Lori Bell
12-02-2008, 10:25 AM
Wow, I didn't know my husband had a brother. ;) You & me must have the same FIL...LOL Seriously, I think sometimes people just say the wrong thing...it just comes out wrong. Unless he's naturally a nasty, bitter, old man I'd give him a 2nd chance. Pity him.

12-02-2008, 10:31 AM
I've lost 34 lbs so far and it happens to me too, day before yesterday I met an old friend who saw me an year back at my highest and he still commented .."wow you have put on a lot".. and then the second comment popped in.."You must do something to get in shape" and I smiled said Thanks & walked away...sure I got little disappointed for a moment but I recalled the compliments I keep getting from others and moved on.

If you can fit into your old clothes then you've actually got leaner..so enjoy that feeling and don't let these stupid comments disturb you.

12-02-2008, 10:43 AM
Everyone in my family has commented on my weight loss...but my grandmother told me that "It doesn't look like you've lost any weight".

I'm going to chalk it up to her being old. :snooty:

There will always be someone who opens their mouth and inserts their foot. We can change how we react to it though. If she wasn't my grandmother I would have given her a smart a** remark back.

Congrats on your weight loss, btw!

12-02-2008, 05:45 PM
What a jerk. I can relate- my relatives are always taking jabs at my weight, which is ironic, because they are all significantly overweight themselves. Just ignore him, he is probably seeing your new confindence in yourself, and just wants to tear you down to make himself feel better. Don't let him make you lose sight of your goal, otherwise he'll win. Keep losing the weight and the next time you see him and are even thinner than before, it will be like a slap in his face. Keep going girl! You're doing great!

12-02-2008, 09:54 PM
yeah I know several passive aggresive people. The funny thing is if you stop look them directly in the eye and say "you just hurt my feeling with what you said!" 99 times out of a hundred they will shrug and say ...

"I was just kidding!"

Woner what he will say the next time he sees you and you are thin and he's still a chub! You might get some satisfaction there! :D

12-03-2008, 03:42 PM

I find that having a response can be really helpful. One of the best is "Why would you say something like that?" Let him struggle with a response! (Of course the other might be, "No, I'm headed in the other direction."

Good luck, toxic folks are just that...don't give them power over you.

A big THANK YOU to Pandora, for helping to see how to use the quote button - woo hoo! :)

And I like your response as well as many of the responses I've read here this afternoon!

These types of comments from "friends" and "family" seem to have happened to all of us at one time or another. What really resonates in all your replies is how these kinds of comments, even though hurtful, can spur us on to keep going. Thanks for all the great insights ladies. :hug:

Bonita Applebaum
12-03-2008, 05:21 PM
That seems so unneccesarily rude...

12-04-2008, 01:01 AM
The FIL was way out of line with his comments, WAY out of line. It is unfortunate when people have difficulty with their own emotions and feel the need to put others down to try and make themselves feel better. Somedays I cling to the idea that living well is the best revenge! Take that FIL!