General chatter - More teenage girl drama, need advice please




bfvgirlplayer
11-13-2008, 12:21 PM
So I have posted my weird teenage girl problems before and have gotten a lot of really great help because I know a lot of you have been through the same thing and I can take your advice feeling confident that you know what you are talking about. I had a thread about being in love with my best friend, but it turned out I was just going through separation issues. Now I have more friend drama.

Ok, so I have my first boyfriend post weight-loss and he is absolutely amazing( Seth). He knows about my former self and completely accepts it and makes me feel so beautiful and good about myself, something I have wanted my whole life, I DO feel beautiful with him, and he actually says I'm hot! Never have I ever been called hot:carrot:! So long story short, he's amazing and I like him a lot. Ok, so my problem is that some of my close friends hate him. My best friend in Orlando likes him just because he knows how much I like him, and that is all I want out of my other friends. But there are two who wont even give him a chance! The one (Mack) I dated before I lost weight, I mentioned him in my last post for his verbal abusiveness. And my mother and a few others have said that he is so against my boyfriend because he is sorry he dumped me because I have lost weight and that he still has feelings for me, I'm not sure about that. And the other friend (Katie) says a lot of things about my boyfriend, for example: He puts up a wall (meaning she has never tried to talk directly to him, but the same is for Seth), he reminds her of her grandfather who hurt her emotionally a lot over the years, that he has to be right all the time (they both want to be right all the time, not just him), that she "may be jealous" because she has never had a boyfriend, etc. I understand that they don't have to get along, but before my boyfriend it was me, Mack, and Katie hanging out any chance we got, so it would make things a lot easier if we could all get along together.

So now I was making plans for us four to drive down to watch the night launch in new smyrna, which would probably be an hour drive, and Mack and Katie have both flat out said "I don't want to be in the car with him that long" What am I supposed to do?? How can I fix this?? anytime I bring Seth up they both get attitudes, and its not fair because this is my second boyfriend and I want someone I can talk to about him. I have tried talking to them, but they just turn it all on me and Seth, they say they want time with just me and that Seth is not an easily liked guy, and I can never say what I want to say, I just let them talk. What is worse though, is that Katie always hated Mack for dumping me, and Mack could never stand Katie. But all of a sudden I am told that they are talking bad about me and seth all the time and now they talk more with each other, than me to either of them put together.

:?:I don't know what to do, I know that this is only my second BF and that it probably wont go anywhere and that I should choose friends first, but what if they keep me from my true love?? I just to be happy.:( I apologize for my long, sort of confusing post.

I need advice, thanks for reading.


quiddkidd06
11-13-2008, 02:01 PM
My friend once gave me very wise words. If your friends don't like your boyfriend, there are basically one of two options: either your boyfriend sucks, or your friends do.

Now I don't know that you can boil it down to that, but it is something to think about. It seems like both Mack and Katy might have some jealousy issues going on (for different reasons, lol), but the fact that you say that they used to be on the outs is telling, too.

If you can think of things in terms of what's happened in the past, does it usually take Katy and Mack a long time to warm up to new people? If so, maybe they both just need more time.

It also seems like you confide a lot in your mother. What does she think of Seth? Does she notice that he "never lets you say what you want to say" as your friends do? If you look at your relationship objectively, do YOU notice this? Does what Katy is saying have some truth to it, or IS it mostly a product of jealousy. None of us can tell you that, because we can't see it.

I think you just need to evaluate your relationship with all three (Mack, Katy, and Seth) and see what is really going on. Make sure the relationship you are in is healthy and make sure your friendships are healthy, too.

raw23
11-13-2008, 02:14 PM
My friend once gave me very wise words. If your friends don't like your boyfriend, there are basically one of two options: either your boyfriend sucks, or your friends do.


:yes: (with the exception of personality differences and a few other exceptions) From your post, sounds like your friends suck. If they cared about you they wouldn't be talking about you behind your back and they would want you to be with someone you like. Then again... friends are always important, and as a teen bf's come and go. So pick which one you want to be with.


zeffryn
11-13-2008, 02:28 PM
mmk - my impressions:

Mack is pissed that you're hot and he isn't with you. Teenage boys are freakin' morons sometimes. Think of it as a character building exercise.

Your friend who says Seth always has to be right - ahem - welcome to men, sweetheart. They ALL have to be right. The sooner she learns that, the happier she'll be.

You're right in saying that you should choose friends first...but only if they are doing right by you. Talking about you when you aren't around isn't doing right by you.

A piece of advice that would have saved me a ton of heartache when I was a teenager - the friends that you adore as a teenager will most likely not be your friends in a few years.

When I was a teen, I thought my friends were the best ever. I just *knew* that we would be friends forever...10 years later, I don't really talk to any of them anymore. We have different lives, live in different areas and just have met people that fit us now and not years ago.

I would say if you're truly happy with Seth and he treats you well...enjoy it. It doesn't have to turn into a marriage, but it will give you confidence and good memories. If your friends can't truly try to be happy that you are happy..screw 'em.

kuhljeanie
11-13-2008, 02:38 PM
hear, hear!

Justwant2Bhealthy
11-13-2008, 02:51 PM
FIRSTLY, I'm not sure that hanging with your ex-bf with your new BF is that wise: and am not surprised he is expressing negative comments. I wouldn't be hanging with my ex-bf at all, once in a new relationship. Does your new BF know that Mack is your ex? How does he feel about that?

SECONDLY, a real girlfriend may express concerns about your new BF, and that doesn't necessarily mean she is jealous of you. I remember being single and gave my thoughts when asked; but they never had anything to do with jealousy (esp if your friend is a mature person). I'm not saying this is impossible though; if you know your friend, you should be able to tell the difference. I may give advice to a friend, but I would never interfere in their choice of a partner ... I think that is a true friend.

Maybe it would be wiser to hang with Katie by herself for a while, maybe 1-2 times a week without your new BF around ... kinda give her some special attention/time. If she is truly your friend, she will appreciate that, and then they won't have an opportunity to clash. If she doesn't want to, then she isn't your friend dear.

You relationship with BF #2 is new; take some time to get to know him, but not with your old BF hanging around. In the beginning, you may not see his flaws so clearly: but in about 3-6 months, they will become more obvious. Like ZEFFY says, don't confuse male characteristics with general flaws ... oops, or are they one and the same ... tsk, tsk on me. ;) I'm teasing you a bit! ;)

I honestly agree with ZEFF about this situation: you will change friends many times in your lifetime. So, I think that maybe it's time to make some new friends; maybe join a club or get involved in an activity that you and your new BF would like to do together.

Hope this helps you in some way ... Rosebud

sweet_talker
11-13-2008, 06:57 PM
Ok, I am still a teenager (I don't know if this helps or hinders my case..........) but I would say if your friends aren't willing to give him a chance then that is ridiculous.

If I were you, I would talk to both of them about how much you value their opinions, but because they differ so greatly from how you feel about your bf you're confused. Because yes, friends are supposed to look out for you, but you don't feel like they've given him a chance. Maybe the four of you could do something together before the car trip so that they can actually get to know each other. Even though I've had (way more) than my fair share of problems with girls I would say that if your friends aren't making you happy, it's probably not intentional, it's just a side effect of their own securities. Girls can be malicious with people's feelings but rarely is it on purpose I think. It's your decision whether you want to take it for what it is or start hanging out with people who are more positive.

If any of the things your friends are saying ring true about your bf not being right for you, I guess this guy's not as good as you've envisioned him to be (sometimes "love" is blind, eh?) so maybe it's time for bf #3.

Oh, and why care about an ex boyfriend who was verbally abusive and didn't like you for who you are? Get him out of your life :p

Whew. Well, I hope that has resonated with how you're feeling in some way. :hug:

bfvgirlplayer
11-13-2008, 11:06 PM
Thank you all so much for the advice :hug:
To Rosebud, Seth does know I dated Mack and has had a little trouble with it (he has had dreams of catching me cheating with Mack) But the thing is, I never saw Mack in a romantic way. It seemed to me that we just starting going out to have an excuse to hang out more one on one, we even kept it a secret from our friends till Mack broke up with me (in a email, btw) So I always loved his company, and I do want his friendship. I just hate this kind of drama. I do realize my friends will change over the years, it is just hard to let go of people I have known for 6 years (Mack) and 9 years (Katie). I just want to hang on until I finally get to go to the college I want to (currently going to a community college here in town) Then I think it'll be easier to move on. I don't know.
But Katie has already bailed on the trip, for a good family emergency reason, and I think Mack is going to bail too so that he doesn't have to spend time with Seth. I think I will try to have more alone time with my friends, I just don't want to leave Seth out. (Most of his friends have moved away) Also I took psychology in high school (oh yes, that does make me a pro, lol) and I read about how you are more likely going to warm up to a person if you are exposed to them often, so you don't have time to think about and magnify their flaws. Does that make sense?

GatorgalstuckinGA
11-14-2008, 07:42 AM
i'm a big believer in friends opinions of my bf i'm dating..however, that being said, i don't think i would be able to have an ex's opinion hold a lot of ground (many ex's want us back). As for you're girlfriend...its hard to say. She may honestly be jealous. I would sit down and talk with her, say you value her friendship but you also value your bf. Talk to her and see what she doesn't like about seth. If its truely things like they both have to be right all the time..sometimes that's a personality conflict. I would listen to what katie says, ask her to give seth a chance and really watch what seth does. Some people will never get a long. If you had more friends it might be easier to see the issue better. For me, when i was dating, i would understand if one or two of my friends didn't like a bf...but i would seriously look at my relationship if the majoritiy of my friends didn't like my bf. And honestly, your ex is not a good example of a friend since he may still have some feelings for you. So if one other friend doesn't like seth...to me, its not a good gauge..because some personalities clash despite how good/bad the bf is. I guess try to spend some time with your friend get an idea why she doesn't like him, listen to her, and then enjoy your bf and see if you see anything she's mentioning..and if its all in her head..then she needs to deal with it. You have the right to be happy and enjoy your bf.