General chatter - The stress on/of sex appeal




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Optical Goddess
11-12-2008, 06:06 PM
I was reading through the posts, and people will mention certain clothes that make them feel sexy or whatever.

Is it odd of me to say I've never felt sexy? Even when I was smaller than I am now, I've never considered myself sexy, nor have I ever been told I was 'sexy' or 'hot'.

I dunno. It seems like society puts so much stress on 'sexy'. Maybe I'm just a prude?

I was reading an article in cosmo or some othr such magazine, and they have suggestions on how to seduce your lover. Mentally I gasp. I could never do those things!

Is it only me? I don't find myself hideous, I might even be cute.. but sexy?

I don't think so. I know, deep down it's a mental thing, but it seems I was born with out this component in me.


Beautiful Ace
11-12-2008, 06:11 PM
Trust me when I say, sexy isn't always what's on the outside, it has a lot to do with the attitude you radiate outwards.

And yes, you can totally pull off sexy, look at your face.. damnnnn mama ;)

PhotoChick
11-12-2008, 06:20 PM
I truly believe the issue of "sexy" is far more a social/psychological component than something you're "born" with or without.

It all depends on how you were raised and whether or not you were raised to believe that sex is good/bad or public/private or whatever. And, to a degree, how much you choose to bypass the way you were raised.

I think it's a very complex question, to be honest - and I think we (western culture and to a large degree, American culture) demonized sexual feelings, thoughts, activities to the point that it's hard to know where the biology begins and the psycho-social aspect of it begins.

(And btw, you so have the mouth for "sexy" ... :D ... that full bottom lip and the deep red lipstick ... whoa baby!)

.


PhotoChick
11-12-2008, 06:24 PM
nor do I care too.
Can I ask why?

And I'm not doing so in a mean way at all. I'm just totally um ... fascinated and baffled at the same time by someone who "wouldn't care to" be considered sexy.

Is it that some people equate sexy with slutty? Or some version of that? Or am I way off base???

.

jimaterry
11-12-2008, 06:42 PM
even tho i am big as a house still lol, i do have 'moments' of feeling sexy. The way my husband is around me, you would think im a sex bomb instead of obese.. he makes me have moments of 'feeling sexy', even tho i know im far from it

shrillharpy
11-12-2008, 06:54 PM
Man, oh man, I could go on for days...
In my younger, thinner days I was considered "hot" by other people, even though I was clumsy and scruffy in my own mind.
After I put on weight, I found myself feeling more sexual if not sexy, because by this time my husband had me feeling so comfortable in my own skin that whatever society at large thought was just not an issue.
So, I guess I'm sexy where it counts. (;
I like sex--a lot (sorry if anyone finds that offensive). I don't know if I have much going on in terms of general sex appeal, but I'm appealing to the one I have sex with--and his attention is all the attention I need.

Starrynight
11-12-2008, 06:58 PM
Well have you ever felt confident?
Feeling sexy can really just be feeling confident and maybe wearing a particular outfit you feel expresses you.
And the thing with attracting males is that "sexy" isn't a definitive word to describe attraction to begin with. A woman might wear something that she believes is sexy for the sole reason of attracting males... stuff some might call trashy - loads of cleavage, skin, makeup - the excess or whatever - but the underlying message it can send is that the person focuses too much on the exterior and in a fashion meant to seduce men - (some call.. slutty lol) -
So is she the icon of sexy? She might think so and some men might think so but others might just see it as a turn-off and unattractive.

So the pressure to look sexy isn't really about the exterior as it is about confidence. If she had more confidence in herself, she might focus on attracting the opposite male through her mind rather than her body, which is why many women who might seem to be dressing conservative could be seen as an icon of sexy.

It's just like beauty, sexy is really just wearing what makes you feel like you're yourself and you can take on the world. When I was bigger, nothing I wore made me feel sexy b/c I had self-esteem issues. As I lost weight, I worked on my self-esteem and I could go out wearing jeans and a t-shirt and feel sexy because unlike before, I could go out and feel unrestrained by my appearance. When I first started going out with my boyfriend, he found me sexy because he found certain personality traits attractive... or sexy.. well also he liked my size but obviously that isn't the important part.

So I think feeling sexy is a positive thing because lately it's been equated with feeling confident and feeling good about yourself, and having a good self-esteem, IMO. That's how I feel anyway.

shrillharpy
11-12-2008, 07:02 PM
On the Cosmo front, I have to say that even as someone who likes sex (see above) I find myself gasping at those articles.
I think sexy is as sexy does. What I find sexy could be a total turn-off to someone else. I think convential "sexiness" is sometimes overrated, and the sexiest things about most peole are the things you don't see.;)

PhotoChick
11-12-2008, 07:30 PM
Quoting a couple of people:
So I think feeling sexy is a positive thing because lately it's been equated with feeling confident and feeling good about yourself, and having a good self-esteem, IMO. That's how I feel anyway.ITA!

I want to be seen as intelligent, thoughtful, kind, you get the point. Not saying you can't be seen as all those things and sexy but I just don't care if I seem sexy to other people or not. I guess its not something I value in myself.I agree with this, too, but to me all those things *are* sexy. My guy finds me sexy because I'm smart, etc., and the reverse is true for me. I find his intelligence to be a huge turnon. I find the way he talks about his daughter and the obvious love he has for her to be sexy. When he's kind to someone who needs kindness, I think that's sexy. And I mean that in a "it makes me find him even more desirable" kind of way.

And mind you I don't aspire to be "sexy" all the time or to everyone. But in certain times and places and with certain people, yes, I want to be sexy.

.

TJFitnessDiva
11-12-2008, 07:50 PM
Sexy is a state of being or attitude aka confidence!

A lot of things can be sexy not just looks and it does not = slutty by any means ;)

UrsusMaritimus
11-12-2008, 08:53 PM
Cosmo is so ridiculous in so many ways.

I truly believe the issue of "sexy" is far more a social/psychological component than something you're "born" with or without.

It all depends on how you were raised and whether or not you were raised to believe that sex is good/bad or public/private or whatever. And, to a degree, how much you choose to bypass the way you were raised.

I think it's a very complex question, to be honest - and I think we (western culture and to a large degree, American culture) demonized sexual feelings, thoughts, activities to the point that it's hard to know where the biology begins and the psycho-social aspect of it begins.


PhotoChick, you are so wise. I've spent the last six years studying and teaching about sexuality, and this is exactly what I would have said (although probably in a less articulate manner) if you hadn't beat me to the punch.

Everything I need to know about life I could have learned at 3FC. Just wish I'd realized it before I took out all those student loans... :)

Optical Goddess
11-12-2008, 08:57 PM
Wow! After I wrote that post, I had some other stuff to do, and was worried I'd come across as whiney and self pittying. I'm glad that you guys understood the sociology element I was curious about :nerding off/

To the people who touched on the idea of confidence= sexiness, I think that's a hugely valid point. And no, I'm not a very confident person.

Whoah...I feel a graduate thesis paper coming on...

rockstar87
11-12-2008, 09:20 PM
It's actually really funny because sometimes I feel confident and cute-ish but never sexy...and I mean Halloween...ugh. It just makes me feel awkward. I'm not very girlie, I'm more of a tomboy and I ended up wearing a hockey jersey, tights, boxers and some face paint and putting my hair back. Definitely not anything like some of the costumes we saw that night!

So then I was kinda flirting with this guy blah,blah,blah it didn't really go anywhere and the next morning my housemate tells me that she talked to one of our other housemates and they'd all apparently been talking about how I was all "sexy" that night. My housemate thought it was funny because she just couldn't picture me trying to be sexy...and concluded that it was probably just relaxed/cool/confident sexy that wasn't trying too hard.

Long story short (heh :o) I think everyone has the potential to be sexy in their own right. I didn't feel "sexy" that night, but I felt good and apparently that translated as sexy to everyone else. Confidence definitely plays a huge role in it, I think.

Optical Goddess
11-12-2008, 09:38 PM
Don't even get me started on the women's (and girls'!) halloween costumes!

mxgirl737
11-12-2008, 09:44 PM
I'm the bomb diggity... totally sexy. it's a state of mind.

rockstar87
11-12-2008, 10:05 PM
Don't even get me started on the women's (and girls'!) halloween costumes!

Ahahha. I know, right? I saw someone going as Eve...as in Adam and Eve...as in the people who didn't wear clothes. Thankfully she had a few strategically placed leaf-looking things. Not like it was cold out or anything...

Schumeany
11-12-2008, 10:07 PM
This whole thread is really fascinating.

When I was in high school, I always felt too smart to be sexy...like the two were mutually exclusive somehow.

Now, looking back on it, I feel sooo sorry for my adolescent self. Because now intelligence is what I FIND sexy. My husband teases me that if a guy has no geek factor, he does nothing for me. Lucky for me, I married a brilliant man (He is an actuary...a financial analyst for a private business consulting firm). While he also happens to be attractive in the usual sense of the word...it is his brain that makes me pant hot and heavy. The rest is just icing.

And once I got to college and learned that intelligence was NOT a bad word, I have always felt sexy -- thin or fat. While I am more comfortable in my skin now than I was 40 pounds heavier, I was never really all that uncomfortable. I like being naked -- and I liked it then too. I am sooo not a prude. I like my body -- even my now less than stellar, six-years-of-nursing-three-babies boobs. While I think Cosmo is basically stupid, and that the editors wouldn't know true sexiness if it poured chocolate sauce in their navals and licked it out -- I also feel sorry for people who never learn to appreciate the sensual side of their natures...or just deny that it exists.

Humans are sensual creatures. All of us can be sexy! The original poster cannot see that she has the makings of sexy? Of course she does...look at what is lurking in those eyes and the set of that mouth!

Sexy is confidence in ourselves. Confidence shines through. Sometimes from one of those people who walks into a room and men and women are instantly drawn to them, but just as frequently from that quiet person who, once you start talking to them, just makes you want to move in closer, listen a little more carefully to what they have to say. THAT is sexy. It doesn't require beauty, or money or anything...just a deep-seated belief that you are absolutely worth the time and effort to get to know you better. That if a person doesn't WANT to get to know you better it is THEIR loss not your own.

chitownchica14
11-13-2008, 12:13 PM
Schumeany, I totally agree with you on the Cosmo issue.

Smart is sexy. I think smart women read people better. Being in touch with your partner mentally and being able to connect on that level is (in my opinion) much sexier than the Barbie doll sexpot brand of sexy that magazines like Cosmopolitan consistently advertise.

Sometimes I wonder if that magazine is a joke. All of the contributing writers and editors had to have gone to college, probably a fairly good college. You would think that if they were truly smart (and sexy) women, they would know that the content is crap. The probably do.

Oh man. I do like those "red-hot reads" though. They choose the worst passages from the most disgusting romance novels. It's always good for a belly laugh.

Ufi
11-13-2008, 01:22 PM
Going back to the original post, I don't think you "have" to feel or be sexy according to society if you don't want to. I avoided it for a long time because I didn't want attention, having dealt with negative male relationships in the past. "Sexy" wasn't "safe." Now that I feel stronger, I'm discovering what sexy means to me. I don't need to be considered sexy on a broad basis if the person I want thinks I am. I really want to be seen as a whole, intelligent person, so the vacant "sexy stare" of some models just seems insulting to me. Some people think spike heels are sexy, but to me they just look uncomfortable. Some people find smoking sexy, but I just see "cancer." Probably not a lot of people find a man washing dishes sexy, but I do.

There are plenty of fish in the sea, but what kind of fish are you looking to attract? A shark and a dolphin aren't looking to mate. When you think of sex and wanting to have it, how do you feel? How do you want to dress and act? I guess that, to me, is more what sexy should be about. But people are always looking to get closer to "normal" because it's hard to figure this stuff out. I think that's what these magazines trade on. It's so much more appealing if you can buy sexy rather than having to grow it inside who you are.

Also, there are ways people are sexy when they don't even realize they are. Apparently, there are ways I would stretch or looks I would give that would really turn my boyfriend on when sex wasn't anywhere near my thoughts.

Smiling_Sara
11-13-2008, 06:52 PM
I was reading through the posts, and people will mention certain clothes that make them feel sexy or whatever.

Is it odd of me to say I've never felt sexy? Even when I was smaller than I am now, I've never considered myself sexy, nor have I ever been told I was 'sexy' or 'hot'.

I dunno. It seems like society puts so much stress on 'sexy'. Maybe I'm just a prude?

I was reading an article in cosmo or some othr such magazine, and they have suggestions on how to seduce your lover. Mentally I gasp. I could never do those things!

Is it only me? I don't find myself hideous, I might even be cute.. but sexy?

I don't think so. I know, deep down it's a mental thing, but it seems I was born with out this component in me.

I've never felt sexy either. I've had times when I think I look nice, or cute, but never sexy. Even when the couple of ppl have told me that I'm hot or sexy looking, it kind of makes me cringe, bc I don't see it and I think they are saying that to make me feel better. I think it is a mental image thing some of us have.

I think you are very pretty though! :)