General chatter - Partner Watches Porn; Feeling Fat For It




Huskyhusker
11-11-2008, 09:05 AM
Ok, so long story short.. I found out my boyfriend watches porn even though we have a very active sex life and he says he loves me. I really feel at this point that I should stop eating completely.

I told him of my plan to lose thirty pounds and he claims that is far too much. Still.. How is that too much? I feel nasty and unattractive knowing he watches girls on the internet with perfect bodies. I told him how I felt about it and he said he still loves just me and that every guy does it only for quick relief.. And most guys are lying if they say they don't. He also added that he feels he can't be honest with me in the future because of how I reacted. I feel ashamed of myself and nasty around him now.

When I told him I was going to lose thirty pounds as quickly as possible, he said, "How about only 15? We can compromise and I will only watch half as much porn." I feel the need to lose more than 15 pounds even more because of that statement because it validates the fact that I am too fat and unattractive now if he will only watch half as much porn later on once I look half as good as I could be if it was thirty pounds.

I am not eating today.

How do you guys feel about porn with SO's?


midwife
11-11-2008, 09:12 AM
The porn bothers me far less than the fact that you and he are bargaining for your weight loss over it.

Of course you need to eat today.

Darby1
11-11-2008, 09:22 AM
It seems like it would be easier to get rid of the boyfriend who doesn't respect your feelings rather than to quit eating. You know that not eating isn't going to help you.

Everyone has different ideas about porn and their SO's. What matters is how you feel about it and what is acceptable to you. If what your boyfriend is doing makes you uncomfortable or feel bad about yourself than you need to decide if your relationship is worth it.

The thing is that you could lose 30 lbs and look amazing and your boyfriend will probably still look at porn if that's what he wants. I realize that sounds a bit harsh, but in my experience (and I'm very old, so I have lots of experience ;)) your self esteem is more important than a relationship that makes you feel bad.


luvja
11-11-2008, 09:24 AM
I've never met a man who didn't indulge in pornography once in a while. It's normal. And I'm sure your boyfriend knows that those porn stars are fake. Fake boobs. Airbrushed. Etc. I don't think it's a big deal if MY man watches porn, personally.
Your really not even fat. 167 lbs at 5'7"?. Not at all.
And of course you need to eat.

jmb1981
11-11-2008, 09:31 AM
i had the same issue with my so. when we first became a couple he had MANY videos on his computer. it bothered me, but we were a new couple so i didn't feel like i had a right to say anything. as our relationship continued though, i knew that i could say something. my reasoning was that it mademe feel bad about myself. it had nothing to do with him or why he was doing it. it was all about me. i felt fat. i felt ugly. i felt bad about my body. it had nothing to do with our relationship or how we felt about each other. to this day i'm still not sure why he looks at porn, actually i'm not sure if he does anymore. if he does it's not to the extent it used to be. he knows it bothers me so he stopped (or slowed down or became better at hiding it). anyway, the point is, it caused a lot of fights and in hindsight, it wasn't a big deal. he wasn't going out and cheating on me, he loves me. i had to work around my body issues. he loves me and my body, even though i'm not in porn star condition! i think for a lot of men porn is a fantasy world. it's not something they want though, it's just fun to watch. as women i'm not convinced we will ever understand why men seem to gravitate towards porn! i'm sure this reply is a lot of rambling, my mind is in a million places today!

kuhljeanie
11-11-2008, 09:36 AM
oh, dear. not good. he justifies his behavior because "every guy does it only for quick relief." patently untrue. he doesn't sound like he has much respect for your feelings - but the thing that REALLY sets my radar off is that he's using your response as an excuse not to tell you the truth.

He also added that he feels he can't be honest with me in the future because of how I reacted. I feel ashamed of myself and nasty around him now.

what concerns me the most, though, is how you feel about yourself:

I feel nasty and unattractive knowing he watches girls on the internet with perfect bodies.

it sounds like how you feel about yourself is dependent on what your boyfriend says and does. it also doesn't sound like you trust him very much. if you want to lose 30 lbs FOR YOURSELF, do it. (in a healthy non-starvation-type way!) i'm more worried about the fact that you want to lose weight so you can compete with airbrushed, pixalated fantasy women. you can't. you could be jenna whositwhatsit and it won't make you feel any more secure with your bf, nor will it change his behavior. the only thing that will do that is being with someone who respects you, and whom you can trust.

JMO!

Huskyhusker
11-11-2008, 09:37 AM
I've never met a man who didn't indulge in pornography once in a while. It's normal. And I'm sure your boyfriend knows that those porn stars are fake. Fake boobs. Airbrushed. Etc. I don't think it's a big deal if MY man watches porn, personally.
Your really not even fat. 167 lbs at 5'7"?. Not at all.
And of course you need to eat.

Thanks for all the responses.

I am 164 as of this morning. Is it true then, Luvja? All guys watch porn anyways and it doesn't matter.. Just accept he does and move on? I was really curious to see what everyone said about this. I guess I should just accept he does if it is normal and stop saying anything.

kuhljeanie
11-11-2008, 09:39 AM
no! if it makes you really uncomfortable, and he doesn't care, then it's not about porn being normal. it's about a partner who isn't willing to take your feelings into consideration or talk about it like a grown-up. and no, all men get off in front of the computer.

just to be clear, i'm not anti-porn. i'm anti- disrespectful partners who use it as an escape and to avoid their SOs.

3kiddos
11-11-2008, 09:44 AM
Ummm...not ALL guys look at porn. Personally this would be a huge problem to me as well. I agree with the previous poster. Even if you lost 30 pounds, I would think he would still look at porn, it seems to be a habit that may not be easy to break. A friend of the family was dealing with these same issues and it ended up ending his marriage. He became totally addicted. What was odd was that they were veiwing porn together to steam up their love life, but then she didn't realize how much he begin viewing it on his own to please himself. That became a huge issue for her. I know some women don't think it's a big deal, but for me it would be a major deal breaker. I don't know how I could deal with our love making knowing he also watches another "perfect" woman on the screen screwing everything in sight. It's complicated I guess....good luck.......though lose the weight for yourself, you may end up losing him as extra baggage too!

luvja
11-11-2008, 09:49 AM
There is no right or wrong answer to this question. It's all about your personal beliefs and thoughts.
I know for a fact a good percentage of males watch porn. Whether it be online, magazines, movies. etc.
Just like I don't have a problem with my man going to the strip club every once in a while. Doesn't bother me.
Almost the same thing.

Jen415
11-11-2008, 09:54 AM
While it is true that not all men look at porn, it does not make the ones who do abnormal in any way. It's like anything else--too much of anything is not good. If it is done to excess, or at the exclusion of a partner, then there is a problem.

And BTW, men typically do not watch porn because they think their partner is unattractive, or not enough for them sexually. The majority of men in my personal experience have just been plain horndogs! LOL

The bigger issue here is that he is not willing to take your feelings into consideration about this. Sounds like you've got some talking to do....

And for goodness sake--EAT!!!!!

luvja
11-11-2008, 09:56 AM
Jen's right, majority of men are HORNDOGS. :devil:

Huskyhusker
11-11-2008, 10:09 AM
While it is true that not all men look at porn, it does not make the ones who do abnormal in any way. It's like anything else--too much of anything is not good. If it is done to excess, or at the exclusion of a partner, then there is a problem.

And BTW, men typically do not watch porn because they think their partner is unattractive, or not enough for them sexually. The majority of men in my personal experience have just been plain horndogs! LOL

The bigger issue here is that he is not willing to take your feelings into consideration about this. Sounds like you've got some talking to do....

And for goodness sake--EAT!!!!!

Ok..

So most men being horndogs is the norm.. Therefore, asking him to stop doing something that most men do is pretty much ridiculous since it is not fair to him when most men do it..

My dad, from my own experience, is a porn addict. My mom is 5'5" and 250 pounds, and he told me he watches porn because she got fat. This is why I believe my boyfriend is watching porn.. I just got too fat. Thing is, his dad is religious and does not have a dirty magazine anywhere in the house (my boyfriend said he looked everywhere up and down growing up - his dad was either an expert at hiding things or never had any porn.. And they don't have a computer, so..) When I askesd him why his dad doesn't do it, he said it was because his dad believes it is a major sin that offends God. My boyfriend is not that religious. He calls me a drama queen for being upset about this. I say I am hurt, he says, "Oh, you are always hurt by something."

Yeah, maybe he doesn't respect me much then. He is a totally nice guy in all other aspects, but he never cries or takes much stock into how others feel.

Still, the thought of food makes me cringe. I know you say to eat, but I don't feel deserving of that. I don't bug my bf about his smoking, chewing or drinking in excess.. (Though I used to - but I quit when he got upset that I was).. But I had hoped he could compromise with me on this one little thing.. :(

JayEll
11-11-2008, 10:16 AM
Your dad is talking BS. People do what they do because they choose to. The rest is excuses.

If you already have an active sex life, then your boyfriend isn't watching porn because you're "too fat." That's just a silly thing to believe. He's watching it because he likes it. If you don't like being with someone who does that, then find someone else.

And stop thinking that if you just lost weight, the world would change... :hug:

Jay

Petunia418
11-11-2008, 10:22 AM
Hi! First of all, I'm sorry that you're having this disagreement. It does seem like your self-esteem is not doing so well right now. It has been pointed out to me (a few times!) that guys (although girls watch porn too) like to watch it, not necessarily to see the "hot chicks" but to watch the actions and what the people are doing. Maybe if you think of it this way, and perhaps look into watching it WITH him before making your decision to dislike porn it might help!

I do think he should be respecting your wishes. Maybe if you were to try watching it with him (a few times) it might change the dynamic of it, from both of your points of view??

I do not, however, think that this link between your own self-worth and the fact that he likes to watch porn is necessary. You mentioned that you have a very active sex life... and I'm wondering- do you have a close relationship outside of the sex? Maybe it would help to rediscover eachother and learn to appreciate eachother in other ways outside of the bedroom (I'm not saying you haven't done this, just an idea if it's not already the case!!!). Maybe you DO need to re-think this relationship if it's eating at you that much!

Please don't resort to not eating to lose weight. Weight loss should be for YOURSELF, but when/if you do, it needs to be in a healthy way. Respect YOURSELF, girl!!! No one will respect you if you don't respect yourself. <3

Jen415
11-11-2008, 10:36 AM
I wasn't saying to not ask him to stop--I just think you should definitely discuss it further.

Views on pornography are one of those things that are affected by how you were raised. You said your dad is a porn addict because your mom got fat. I think it goes deeper than that. But we're not talking about your parents--we're talking about you and your feelings.

If he's as nice a guy as you say in other areas, the least he can do is talk more about this.

Jen415
11-11-2008, 10:41 AM
Your dad is talking BS. People do what they do because they choose to. The rest is excuses.

If you already have an active sex life, then your boyfriend isn't watching porn because you're "too fat." That's just a silly thing to believe. He's watching it because he likes it. If you don't like being with someone who does that, then find someone else.

And stop thinking that if you just lost weight, the world would change... :hug:

Jay


Just one more reason why I love ya, Jay!! :):)

Huskyhusker
11-11-2008, 10:45 AM
Hi! First of all, I'm sorry that you're having this disagreement. It does seem like your self-esteem is not doing so well right now. It has been pointed out to me (a few times!) that guys (although girls watch porn too) like to watch it, not necessarily to see the "hot chicks" but to watch the actions and what the people are doing. Maybe if you think of it this way, and perhaps look into watching it WITH him before making your decision to dislike porn it might help!

I do think he should be respecting your wishes. Maybe if you were to try watching it with him (a few times) it might change the dynamic of it, from both of your points of view??

I do not, however, think that this link between your own self-worth and the fact that he likes to watch porn is necessary. You mentioned that you have a very active sex life... and I'm wondering- do you have a close relationship outside of the sex? Maybe it would help to rediscover eachother and learn to appreciate eachother in other ways outside of the bedroom (I'm not saying you haven't done this, just an idea if it's not already the case!!!). Maybe you DO need to re-think this relationship if it's eating at you that much!

Please don't resort to not eating to lose weight. Weight loss should be for YOURSELF, but when/if you do, it needs to be in a healthy way. Respect YOURSELF, girl!!! No one will respect you if you don't respect yourself. <3

Apparently he does not respect.me in the first place, so hoping he would in the future is a moot point.

We spend time together making things like a mirror for his mom. We are cutting it out of wood. We also watch movies together and cook dinner for one another. I guess I am just living in a fantasy world where if you love someone, you would not need to look at anyone else. I have no desire to see other naked women or men, I truly don't. I don't even check out other guys in daily life. That is why I find porn so hurtful.. I guess he does have the desire.

I guess I feel like I failed the relationship somewher because of this and therefore am not deserving of food.

raw23
11-11-2008, 10:46 AM
Well, to answer your original question; the worst thing a guy can do is lie to me. If he looks at porn and lies about it, then I get concerned. But I dont mind if he looks and takes care of things himself, as long as he's not depriving me of my nookie. So, no porn doesn't bother me.
Hey, why dont you get a little kinky... watch it together!!

Why do you think his habit has anything to do with your weight?? I'm sure it doesn't.

mxgirl737
11-11-2008, 11:00 AM
I don't think it's a big deal... Almost every single guy I know watches porn... people are allowed to fantasize. I mean, you can't tell me that you don't think of other people sometimes. It's normal human nature, just magnified...because of the technology.

Personally, I wouldn't be concerned. Just because he's watching something doesn't mean it's what he wants. I'm definitely overweight, but I don't really feel threatened by the girls on those movies. They're fake...I'm real. I could look like that too if I had all sorts of money. ...and besides the guy that's watching those girls...he doesn't really want to be WITH them. He just wants to have sex with them...you know? If that, even.

Gela
11-11-2008, 11:08 AM
Regardless of liking porn or not, the fact is he is dismissive of your feelings. That bothers me more than the porn itself. I couldn't be with someone who doesn't care or worse be dismissive of my feelings. That's just me though.

kuhljeanie
11-11-2008, 11:10 AM
I guess I feel like I failed the relationship somewher because of this and therefore am not deserving of food.

HOLD THE PHONE, SISTER!

you failed the relationship? and don't deserve FOOD? honey, every creature that walks the earth deserves food. and why do you assume YOU failed the relationship? you've already said that you do see that he's not respectful of your feelings. people don't fail relationships - they're not ready for them, or not right for each other. "failure" isn't what happens. whether or not he cries isn't the issue. if he's not ready to put on his big boy pants and respect other people's feelings, you HAVE NOT FAILED.

it pains me to hear that you think your self-worth is dependent on your weight, and that he'll treat you better if you were thinner. that's your problem. his problem is that he doesn't seem to care if you're uncomfortable or not. porn aside - if i'm unhappy, my SO cares, even if the thing i'm unhappy about has nothing to do with him. forget about SOs - is he acting like you'd expect a friend to act?

Huskyhusker
11-11-2008, 11:14 AM
I don't think it's a big deal... Almost every single guy I know watches porn... people are allowed to fantasize. I mean, you can't tell me that you don't think of other people sometimes. It's normal human nature, just magnified...because of the technology.

Personally, I wouldn't be concerned. Just because he's watching something doesn't mean it's what he wants. I'm definitely overweight, but I don't really feel threatened by the girls on those movies. They're fake...I'm real. I could look like that too if I had all sorts of money. ...and besides the guy that's watching those girls...he doesn't really want to be WITH them. He just wants to have sex with them...you know? If that, even.

I can honestly tell you 100% that I think of no other guys but him. Believe it or not, there it is.. And so he is also likely thinking of having sex with them while he watches it? Oh.. I see.. :(

luvja
11-11-2008, 11:19 AM
You have to understand, it's just a fantasy. He may be THINKING of them while he's choking the chicken(excuse my french), but your the one he's having sex with.
Guys are different than girls, sexually. Our needs are just different.
We don't understand eachother. And some girls have sexual fantasies aswell. While hes watching porn he MAY be thinking of her, but thats because shes in front of his face. Now, if you found out he was thinking of another girl while YOU guys were going at it, I'd be worried then.

raw23
11-11-2008, 11:23 AM
Yeah, and guys are visual creatures. They need visual stimulation. It's nothing against you or the relationship or your weight.
If your that against it though and this is something you are really willing to lose the relationship over then tell him. He has to know that it's something he's going to lose you to. (I'm not saying this in a demeaning tone, we all have deal breakers)

kelly315
11-11-2008, 11:36 AM
I know not every woman cares if her man watches porn, and that's fine, but its always bothered me. Its nearly broken up our relationship on more than one occasion. I was totally honest with my bf- I cried many times, told him I didn't want to be with someone who made me feel bad about myself or insignificant, and that I felt like I considered it cheating. It was not easy to get here, but at this point in our relationship there is no porn in the house, and I've never gotten any hint of porn on the computer for quite some time. I'm okay with him "releasing steam" so to speak, just as long as he's not looking at other women. So far, things have been much better.

Lori Bell
11-11-2008, 11:40 AM
Are you really serious? For real? He drinks too much, he smokes too much, he's addicted to porn, and you want to starve yourself because YOU are not worthy of HIM??? Is that what I've been reading?

First off, if you think you want a future with this man, then you have to totally except each and every one of his short comings. YOU WILL NEVER CHANGE A MAN...NEVER!! If you can't deal with it now, you need to either move on, or become a Stepford Wife.

PS: Please use birth control.

Huskyhusker
11-11-2008, 11:55 AM
I know not every woman cares if her man watches porn, and that's fine, but its always bothered me. Its nearly broken up our relationship on more than one occasion. I was totally honest with my bf- I cried many times, told him I didn't want to be with someone who made me feel bad about myself or insignificant, and that I felt like I considered it cheating. It was not easy to get here, but at this point in our relationship there is no porn in the house, and I've never gotten any hint of porn on the computer for quite some time. I'm okay with him "releasing steam" so to speak, just as long as he's not looking at other women. So far, things have been much better.

I feel exactly the same way. I do not fantasize or watch other men. It would feel like cheating to me. Why does it not feel the same way to them? Are they controlled by testosterone that much? I am glad that it looks like he stopped, though. I do not believe crying would get me anywhere. He just ignores me if I do since crying to him is for weak people.

Kuhljeanie- I seriously grew up in a very strict environment and have battled eating disorders before. When I hit a trigger, I literally cannot stop and backpeddle. Thank you for your concern, though. I am sorry.

Petunia418
11-11-2008, 12:00 PM
Ok, I'm concerned... crying is for weak people? Feelings are for weak people, then? You have to figure out what you want to come of this situation. Are you looking to get him to stop? Are you looking to feel better about yourself? These things might not both happen, but you have more control over one than you do the other. I suggest you talk to him. If crying is what comes of it, then do it. If he brushes that off, how dare him.

JulieJ08
11-11-2008, 12:07 PM
There are a few possibilities here, and guaranteed more than I'm listing here:

1. You have a great guy, you have unrealistic ideas about men, you can adjust and both be happy

2. He has a problem going on, and it's not about you, and you have to decide what you can and can't live with

3. He's normal, you're normal, neither is wrong, but you're just not on the same page, and it will always cause conflict and resentment

But the thing is, only you can decide how you really feel and what you have to do. This forum is great for getting a variety of perspectives, some of which you may not have considered. But there is no one right answer for everyone. You have to know who you are and what you want and what you like and what you believe. Without that, you'll never deal with this effectively, and if you end this relationship, history is likely to repeat itself. I only say this because it sounds like you just want someone else to make your decision for you. Then, when it doesn't turn out great, you don't have to blame yourself. OTOH, sometimes you know what to do, whether it means staying or going, but it's hard, and it just helps to hear it from someone else too.

:hug:

Petunia418
11-11-2008, 12:08 PM
...at first I was appauled by his offer to watch half as much porn if you only lose half the weight but now that you've mentioned your ED, it kinda changes it in my head a little. It seems to me that he is trying to make a deal with you to both give up a little bit of your addictions (for him porn, and for you losing weight). I'm not saying it's right, but in the mind of a guy this was probably parallel with, "Honey, if you smoke 1 pack of cigs a day instead of 2 I promise to only drink a six pack every night instead of a case!"

Ay, ay, ay!

Anyway, I'm sure this ED has affected you a lot mentally in the past as well as physically and it sounds to me that you might not have found the "right" person to be dealing with someone with special emotional needs. That's for you to decide.

Tomato
11-11-2008, 12:11 PM
In my opinion, you need to separate the two issues - the issue of your weight loss and the issue of him watching porn.
First of all, you need to lose weight because it is something YOU WANT TO DO FOR YOURSELF - regardless whether your BF is watching porn, drooling over the centrefold in Playboy or whether the two of you are in a relationship of not.
Do not lose weight for him or in the hope that that will magically make him quit porn watching.

That was a).
b) - men are visual creatures, that's a fact. If you have a problem with him watching porn, it is something that you will have to address and work on, but it does not necessarily have anything to do with you being overweight.
Does porn bother you in general? Do you ever watch it yourself (maybe secretly, when you are on your own)? I have nothing against porn - as long as it is tasteful. Hard core porn is not my cup of tea, but then again, I am not a man.

I haven't read the other posters' replies, I am going to see the whole thread now.

Huskyhusker
11-11-2008, 12:18 PM
Ok, I'm concerned... crying is for weak people? Feelings are for weak people, then? You have to figure out what you want to come of this situation. Are you looking to get him to stop? Are you looking to feel better about yourself? These things might not both happen, but you have more control over one than you do the other. I suggest you talk to him. If crying is what comes of it, then do it. If he brushes that off, how dare him.

Funny you mentioned that.. I work part time at a strip club as a waitress and a man there inappropriately touched me.. I went home that night to his place crying. He was drunk and having a party at his place. He left me crying on the floor while he went out to booze cruise with my best friend, who was also drunk. They got back at 3 am. That is how I know crying does not work. He is so kind sober, but a bad drunk.

carcar05
11-11-2008, 12:18 PM
Don't even get me started on this...
I will say, briefly, what I feel on the issue.

Porn has NOTHING to do with you. It has everything to do with him being a man and having the curiosity of a man. I am completely opposed to porn, I believe it is a *******ization of everything we women are. It is not allowed in my home and my husband is totally honest with me about it - sure it's something he's looked at but he doesn't anymore.

When I first found out he had it really hurt my feelings. I felt totally inadequate and like he had to go see what he wanted to see elsewhere rather than having that here at home. I think it ruins marriages, families and relationships. It's the reason my MIL and FIL are divorced, the reason my brother in law is in jail because it lead to a sex addiction and later to him sexually abusing children. I think it is disgusting and sad that society is becoming so open to it.

Do you feel like what he's doing is right?! I don't. What I think doesn't matter, though, it has to be right by you. You need to feel comfortable in yoru own skin and if there is something your BF is doing that makes you feel uncomfortable, it is an issue that bears dealing with and NOT in a bartering sort of way. How manipulative. Sorry if I've gotten a soap box but this is an issue really close to my heart and I am really sad to see so many people affected by it, and then saying it's "normal" all men do it... they don't! It's wrong, IMO. I don't want my daughters raised in a world that glorifies this kind of hedonism and that doesn't value women for what they really are. :mad::mad::mad:

Extasee58865
11-11-2008, 12:30 PM
My husband watches it all the time, I don't really care though. It's all a fantasy to him. I know he loves me, even at 231 lbs he loved me. But it's a personal decision and if it bothers you, then it bothers you. I think he should understand more how you feel & why you feel like that instead of just dismissing how you feel about it. I'm sure you would never be so dismissive towards him, you should point that out to him. Maybe there was a situation in the past where you adjusted your actions to accomodate his feelings. Make him aware of stuff like that & see if that changes how he reacts. If it doesn't, I'd like about what you are getting from this relationship. It doesn't sound like a healthy two-way relationship from what you have said so far.

Shannon in ATL
11-11-2008, 12:43 PM
He is so kind sober, but a bad drunk.

I'm not going to address the porn issue in any detail, it isn't the biggest thing I see here. It is the above comment.

I was married to an alcoholic for a long time and trust me when I tell you that you won't be able to change him if he doesn't want to change.

Who he is drunk is who is is sober, being drunk just gives him the excuse he needs to manifest the behavior. I can't tell you how many times I said the exact same thing to people. "He didn't mean it, he's just been drinking" or "He doesn't normally act like that".

It is not your fault that he looks at porn, or that he drinks. It has nothing to do with you or your weight and everything to do with him. You can only control yourself and your own actions.

Good luck honey.:hug:

VermontMom
11-11-2008, 12:44 PM
Funny you mentioned that.. I work part time at a strip club as a waitress and a man there inappropriately touched me.. I went home that night to his place crying. He was drunk and having a party at his place. He left me crying on the floor while he went out to booze cruise with my best friend, who was also drunk. They got back at 3 am. That is how I know crying does not work. He is so kind sober, but a bad drunk.

:mad: We want to help you...and when we hear things like this, we can't help but want to advice you to not be with someone who shows uncaring behavior towards your feelings.

but back to your original question, yes, it bothered me VERY much when I found out how much my husband was looking at the gorgeous (albeit artificially) women on the 'puter. And I hate to sound if I'm vain or stuck up on myself, but I was in pretty OK shape and my face wouldn't make babies cry. So I felt really ugly in comparision.

My husband also said that he thought I was desirable, beautiful, sexy, etc. but he also liked looking at the soft porn.

It was also at a time in our marriage when we were having lots of problems in other areas, and I wasn't under treatment for my depression, so it was a really bad time.

So in my opinion, if it is something that bothers you, it does need to be addressed to your level of comfort. ANd maybe he is trying to be helpful by working out that compromise he suggested, but I also don't think your weight goals should be part of the compromise.

big :hug: to you

Jasmine31
11-11-2008, 12:56 PM
I only read page one but not ALL men view porn. Some do and some don't. Some meet that special girl and if she is upset by it, it is not worth it to them to upset her.

If this is important to you. Put your foot down. If he doesn't care about your feelings, find somebody else.

UrsusMaritimus
11-11-2008, 01:10 PM
I agree with everyone who's said that this is not about porn, but the dynamics of your relationship and your sense of self. If your BF is as disrespectful as you make him out to be, you need to think about whether or not staying in this relationship is a good idea.

That said, his porn consumption has nothing to do with your weight. AND many, many, many perfectly normal people (men and women, sometimes as a couple) enjoy porn without ruining their relationships, becoming addicts, becoming violent, or molesting children. For some individuals and couples, pornography opens up worlds of sexual fantasy and exploration they otherwise have no access to.

However, your BF's refusal to stop watching porn (or at least keep it to himself) even though you've made it clear how much it bothers you is extremely troubling. What's more troubling, though, is the extent to which your sense of self-worth seems to be dependent on whether or not he gives it up.

You said you've had problems with ED in the past - have you ever sought counseling? I'm sorry you're going through this, but as many other people have noted, I don't think the pornography is the issue here. :hug:

rockinrobin
11-11-2008, 01:24 PM
Funny you mentioned that.. I work part time at a strip club as a waitress and a man there inappropriately touched me.. I went home that night to his place crying. He was drunk and having a party at his place. He left me crying on the floor while he went out to booze cruise with my best friend, who was also drunk. They got back at 3 am. That is how I know crying does not work. He is so kind sober, but a bad drunk.

Sweetie, I think his watching porn just may be one of the lesser problems of this relationship. :hug:

MotoMichelle
11-11-2008, 01:32 PM
I'm in agreement with Luvja.

Most guys watch porn. I work on a team of all guys and they all watch porn even if their SO doesn't realize it.

My husband watches porn. When I first realized he was watching it I confronted him about it and he was completely open and honest with me.

It's not about you (or me) at all. It's a guy thing! My husband even said to me, "I would NEVER want you to do some of those things I look at! I respect you too much!"

It's about fantasy and just, well, getting off. When I considered what he said it made sense to me. There are times when I think about things in my head that excite me that I would never want to actually do in real life.

I hope that all made sense. Remember, lose weight for YOU and not anyone else. Also, he should respect your feelings. If he doesn't at all that's a completely different issue.

However, if he wants to work with you about things, then you also need to compromise with him and his want to view porn. Relationships are a give and take thing.

I can't say that I love that my hubby watches porn, but I know he does and it doesn't bother me. At the end of the day he loves me and only wants to be with me. :D

PhotoChick
11-11-2008, 01:48 PM
Quoting a whole bunch of people:

While it is true that not all men look at porn, it does not make the ones who do abnormal in any way.

If you already have an active sex life, then your boyfriend isn't watching porn because you're "too fat." That's just a silly thing to believe. He's watching it because he likes it. If you don't like being with someone who does that, then find someone else.

And stop thinking that if you just lost weight, the world would change...
I agree wholeheartedly with both of these things.

I especially agree 100% with this summation of the possibilities:1. You have a great guy, you have unrealistic ideas about men, you can adjust and both be happy

2. He has a problem going on, and it's not about you, and you have to decide what you can and can't live with

3. He's normal, you're normal, neither is wrong, but you're just not on the same page, and it will always cause conflict and resentment

Finally, you said:
I guess I am just living in a fantasy world where if you love someone, you would not need to look at anyone else. I have no desire to see other naked women or men, I truly don't.You are making the desire to look at a naked person into a barometer for love and that's not fair. It's not fair to you and it's not fair to your partner(s), current or future. If you don't have the desire to look at another naked body, then that's your choice and your desire. that doesn't mean that someone else who does, doesn't love you. And if you feel that love = not ever looking at anyone else naked again, then you owe it to yourself and to your partner to find someone who feels the same way, rather than forcing him to fall in with your moral values.

Honestly based on all of your responses, I really really really think you need to find a counselor and talk to someone. I think some therapy would really help you. If you feel that you don't deserve to eat for any reason, then you have an eating disorder going on. If you feel that you are not a worthwhile human being, then you need to talk to someone about that.

At it's core, this has nothing to do with your boyfriend and EVERYTHING to do with you.

There's nothing wrong with liking porn. There's nothing wrong with not liking porn. There's nothing wrong with wanting a partner who is on the same page as you are about those things. There is something majorly wrong with basing your self-worth and whether or not you deserve TO EAT!!!!! based on whether your partner likes porn and you don't.

Please please please ... get some help. Find someone (professional) to talk to about this.

.

Huskyhusker
11-11-2008, 02:40 PM
Quoting a whole bunch of people:




I agree wholeheartedly with both of these things.

I especially agree 100% with this summation of the possibilities:

Finally, you said:
You are making the desire to look at a naked person into a barometer for love and that's not fair. It's not fair to you and it's not fair to your partner(s), current or future. If you don't have the desire to look at another naked body, then that's your choice and your desire. that doesn't mean that someone else who does, doesn't love you. And if you feel that love = not ever looking at anyone else naked again, then you owe it to yourself and to your partner to find someone who feels the same way, rather than forcing him to fall in with your moral values.

Honestly based on all of your responses, I really really really think you need to find a counselor and talk to someone. I think some therapy would really help you. If you feel that you don't deserve to eat for any reason, then you have an eating disorder going on. If you feel that you are not a worthwhile human being, then you need to talk to someone about that.

At it's core, this has nothing to do with your boyfriend and EVERYTHING to do with you.

There's nothing wrong with liking porn. There's nothing wrong with not liking porn. There's nothing wrong with wanting a partner who is on the same page as you are about those things. There is something majorly wrong with basing your self-worth and whether or not you deserve TO EAT!!!!! based on whether your partner likes porn and you don't.

Please please please ... get some help. Find someone (professional) to talk to about this.

.

Hey Photochick,

I honestly would seek counseling were it an option. However, I do not have health insurance through either of my two jobs, nor do I have the money to pay out of pocket for one. I am very low on financial resources, so it really is not an option for me at all when I have bills to pay and barely scrape by each month. Maybe one day. :(

Beautiful Ace
11-11-2008, 02:48 PM
All I have to say, even when I was with my boyfriend, and we had a very health sexlife... I STILL watched porn. My ex was hot stuff too. I didn't watch the porn to look at other men(or women) I just enjoyed watching it to get off.... it had nothing to do with him. I found out he was watching porn while he was with me too, but it really didn't bother me at all because LISTEN UP NOW, HE WAS WITH ME BECAUSE HE WANTED TO BE WITH ME!!!!!!! ;)

I don't know if this will help but I hope it did!

Billies Pottery
11-11-2008, 02:54 PM
Guys watch porn. So what?
Did you really not know that men like porn?

Listen, guys like girls with all sorts of bodies. That's what they like about porn, it has so many different body styles. Not all porn is skinny girls either.

For the most part, guys like what you give them, whether it is big boobs or small, big butt or small.

I have to admit, it makes me feel a little better that my hubby likes porn with mature women, not grannys, but ladies in their 30s-40s. They have more real bodies. As guys get older, their taste in women usually matures.

Like someone else said, they know that most of those girls are fake and starve themselves. Most guys, even tho they look at other types of girls, prefer that the girl they are with is more natural.

Hope we have all helped you out.

Thighs Be Gone
11-11-2008, 03:00 PM
I have found pics on my computer before (once out of ten years we have had internet in our home) and I didn't care and wouldn't care now as long as it wasn't disrupting our time together. I WOULD be upset if I found out my hubby was paying for porn in any fashion.

PhotoChick
11-11-2008, 03:00 PM
For the most part, guys like what you give them, whether it is big boobs or small, big butt or small.this is SO true. I have mentioned this before. My guy and I joke about his "type" all the time. The actresses he finds hot, the types of girls he looks at - are all tall, slender, with little boobs, and loooong legs. I even will see women in a magazine or a movie or whatever and say "wow, honey, she's your type".

But me? I'm 5'4", 165 lbs, big boobs, short legs. And when he met me, I weighed 240+.

And we have *no* problem with our sex life then or now.

So you know ... what he watches in porn, and what he says "wow that's hot" about ... that has NOTHING to do with me or our relationship or our sex life. :)

.

LandonsBaby
11-11-2008, 03:32 PM
How do you guys feel about porn with SO's?

I have very strong opinons about porn that may not be understood here. It has nothing to do with me or with how those women look. I do not envy them for one minute. I feel badly for them. I do not appreciate pornography in my home and I won't apologize for that, ever. I think it's wrong, period. And if it bothers you, your man shouldn't be watching it.

Jen415
11-11-2008, 03:49 PM
As someone has mentioned before, I think the OP's issues go WAY beyond porn.

Now that you mentioned what one of your jobs is (waitressing at a gentleman's club), I can see where that particular job may not be so good for your self-esteem. If you have issues with computer screen images, you must really have it rough working alongside them every day!

BTW, I am almost certain you can find counseling at a very low cost (or even free). Going by some of the things you've written, you're headed down that slippery slope to being in a full blown eating disorder.

JMO....

Huskyhusker
11-11-2008, 04:08 PM
I have very strong opinons about porn that may not be understood here. It has nothing to do with me or with how those women look. I do not envy them for one minute. I feel badly for them. I do not appreciate pornography in my home and I won't apologize for that, ever. I think it's wrong, period. And if it bothers you, your man shouldn't be watching it.

I wish more people believed this than there are.. But honestly, most men do not believe this at all and most women seem fine with it, so.. I guess I just look outdated for not wanting him to watch it.

Huskyhusker
11-11-2008, 04:13 PM
As someone has mentioned before, I think the OP's issues go WAY beyond porn.

Now that you mentioned what one of your jobs is (waitressing at a gentleman's club), I can see where that particular job may not be so good for your self-esteem. If you have issues with computer screen images, you must really have it rough working alongside them every day!

BTW, I am almost certain you can find counseling at a very low cost (or even free). Going by some of the things you've written, you're headed down that slippery slope to being in a full blown eating disorder.

JMO....

I really don't have an issue with the dancers themselves (other than wishing I looked like they did.). What bugs me is I see the worst of male behavior there. One man even made one of the seasoned dancers cry once. It makes me believe guys can't live without porn or strippers even when in committed relationships because they are biologically driven to do that.

ddc
11-11-2008, 04:21 PM
Run away as fast as you can.
This is obviously not the guy for you.
Why waste your time????
:hug:

kuhljeanie
11-11-2008, 04:21 PM
that may be true of some guys - but i gotta say it, doesn't sound like the guys you know/work with are quality men. my DH, my father, BIL - all would be appalled at the behavior you describe. RAISE YOUR STANDARDS! and don't insult good men by lumping them in with little boys who can't control themselves and have no respect for others.

JayEll
11-11-2008, 04:37 PM
Some of the action that goes on in just regular movies today would have been considered porn awhile back... It's just interesting to see how standards change.

As for watching porn with SOs... well, it depends, doesn't it, on what people like and what they don't like. Some couples will be fine with this for certain kinds of porn--others, no way! I personally get turned on by certain kinds of sexy scenes in movies that aren't even considered X-rated. But, there is a line beyond which I don't care to go.

Getting back to the OP--Husky, I'd say you're hanging in the wrong places with the wrong crowd... There are plenty of good folks who don't smoke, don't drink to excess, and don't constantly seek sexual arousal. I know! It's hard to believe! :chin: Maybe you ought to broaden your horizons... Join a gym like the YMCA... take some fitness classes... read about healthy eating... Find some new friends... :yes:

As for your weight, someone early on pointed out that you are barely even overweight at 167 and 5 ft. 7. So, forget the "I-won't-eat" scenario. That leads nowhere fast.

Good luck! :hug:
Jay

raw23
11-11-2008, 04:51 PM
Okay, I dont like to do this... but I think you need some tough love. I hate making judgement calls about people, especially people I dont personally know on a forum.
But
You have got to go! Listen chicka, you said you work at a strip club... he doesn't respect your requests, and he ignored you when you came home crying after work. I'm sorry... it doesn't sound like he respects you very much and could possibly just be using you. Please seek some help. Wake up and get a hold of this situation.
I'm sorry.

EZMONEY
11-11-2008, 05:01 PM
With over 600 views in one day I had to look....I just had to...honest...it wasn't my fault...

TJFitnessDiva
11-11-2008, 06:17 PM
Guys are visual creatures and most (not all) masturbate at least once a day even with an active sex life (and if they are swearing that they don't to you then that's just a can of worms they DO NOT want to open lol)......now that being said if he does not respect your wishes and does not want to compromise (and not about your weight) then you need to either just take it as it is with what I said above or walk away.

I used to be really insecure about myself when my husband and I finally moved in together after dating for almost 6 years....I found pics on his computer and freaked out. He deleted all of them and got rid of any magazines he had. I mean it made me so hurt and mad I was ready to throw it all away for some pictures. How could he look at those "perfect" women and still want me? Right?

If I could go back in time I would have smacked the **** out of myself and let her in on what I know now ;)

I think this is a self esteem thing more so than the porn. Oh yeah and please eat! Lose weight for yourself and to heck with him!!

rodeogirl
11-11-2008, 07:22 PM
I think the bottom line here is to get clear on what you want in a partner and what is acceptable and unacceptable for you.

Once you know what you want, you (and only you) can decide whether this relationship is worth fighting for or if it's time for you to move on. Once you've made that decision then it will be easier to ask for specific help/advice from your friends. Like "OK I want to be with him but we really disagree about porn. What can I do?"

You can't change him so focus on what you can do to have a healthy relationship with him.

As for not eating or thinking you don't deserve to eat I would recommend getting professional help from someone who specializes in body image or eating disorders. Research has shown that eating disorders can lead to serious health issues and even death.

stellarwbz
11-11-2008, 07:23 PM
A few weeks ago I found a few porn websites that had recently been viewed on my laptop. Well I don't look at porn, so the only other person that uses my laptop is my boyfriend. I was pretty upset that he used MY laptop to look at other women. His excuse was that he was had been laid off the day before and he likes boobs. Not a great excuse. I asked him how he would have felt if I used his computer to look at other men. He said he was sorry. I told him to not use my computer anymore for that stuff. What he looks at on his computer is his business. Sure it makes me feel crappy that he looks at that stuff, but I know that he can never have that in real life so I don't feel that bad about it.

Gamerchick
11-12-2008, 01:44 AM
I don't see how you deducted that you needed to lose weight because your boyfriend watches porn. Find a man who DOESN'T watch porn anyway. You have to understand there are different methods people prefer depending on the way they feel like, you know, relieving themselves. There's not just one way. And, crash dieting shows you aren't serious about long term results.

I guess in this advice is, learn to not find him watching porn a personal insult, or to learn to lose weight for yourself, and yourself only.

Billies Pottery
11-12-2008, 02:17 AM
With over 600 views in one day I had to look....I just had to...honest...it wasn't my fault...

Ha Ha! Don't you get it?! He had to look! :rofl:

Good one EZMONEY

mikefish
11-12-2008, 02:28 AM
Being a guy I feel a little wierd responding to this post, but hey - what the heck lol.

1) All guys look at porn. They do because it's there - not a huge mystery *shrug*. It's hard not to look at naked women when it's so easy to access.

2) If you are uncomfortable with his porn use, then if he wants to remain with you, he should respect your wishes on the subject and stop. End of story.

3) The whole bargaining thing is somewhat bizarre. Perhaps he just made a stupid blunder, but you should set him straight about it - that sort of thing is patently not cool.

Jen415
11-12-2008, 08:31 AM
Mikefish, thanks for the male perspective on this....

Husky, I would not consider your preferences out of date at all. Lots of women feel the way you do. And It works for you. You just happened to be partnered with someone who does not share your views on it nor does he respect your feelings regarding it.

Bottom line--don't settle. Put yourself first, even if it means ending your relationship.

rockinrobin
11-12-2008, 09:22 AM
Bottom line--don't settle. Put yourself first, even if it means ending your relationship.

Ya know, relationships are hard enough when the 2 parties see eye to eye on everything. But when they don't AND they're major issues, like morals and values, it's down right impossible for things to ever be "right". And we all deserve "right", right? ;)

Jeannette311
11-12-2008, 11:21 AM
My now ex was a porn addict. It was part of the reason why I started eating myself into oblivion. The worst part was that he was constantly watching porn while I was pregnant. Talk about miserable. I won't even tell you the things I found while cleaning house.

If he can't respect your feelings then it's time to move on. I learned that the hard way.

raw23
11-12-2008, 11:29 AM
His excuse was that he was had been laid off the day before and he likes boobs.

:lol3:

I'm sorry... that is so funny I cried!!

:lol:

:rofl:

JayEll
11-12-2008, 11:47 AM
Am I the only one who doesn't let anyone else touch their computer, no matter what? Jeez! :dunno:

People have been arrested because of what has been found on their computer...

Jay

Shannon in ATL
11-12-2008, 11:57 AM
Jay, I totally agree with you. Computers are like toothbrushes in my house, we each have ours and we don't share. :)

Seriously, we both have a desktop and a laptop and we keep common files on a network server, but we both have things on our own hard drives as well. Not that we are trying to hide anything, we just don't mess around in each other's stuff.

brandy922
11-12-2008, 12:01 PM
Funny you mentioned that.. I work part time at a strip club as a waitress and a man there inappropriately touched me.. I went home that night to his place crying. He was drunk and having a party at his place. He left me crying on the floor while he went out to booze cruise with my best friend, who was also drunk. They got back at 3 am. That is how I know crying does not work. He is so kind sober, but a bad drunk.

I know the topic is about your boyfriends porn addiction, but the fact that your boyfriend and best friend left you crying on the floor. It's bad enough that he acted the way he did but your best friend should never take off to drink with your boyfriend while you need support after what happened to you. Drunk or not she/he should have been there to help you vent and calm down. I'm so sorry you had to deal with this crisis alone. I'm in agreement with most of the people posting on this topic. Porn seems to be the least of the problems in your relationship.

Huskyhusker
11-12-2008, 05:54 PM
I know the topic is about your boyfriends porn addiction, but the fact that your boyfriend and best friend left you crying on the floor. It's bad enough that he acted the way he did but your best friend should never take off to drink with your boyfriend while you need support after what happened to you. Drunk or not she/he should have been there to help you vent and calm down. I'm so sorry you had to deal with this crisis alone. I'm in agreement with most of the people posting on this topic. Porn seems to be the least of the problems in your relationship.

I know this, but there is one thing I failed to mention. My boyfriend has untreated ADHD. His father has it, takes medication for it, but he believes meds are for the weak. It wasn't the first time he got distracted and ran off without saying anything at a moment's notice - alcohol just makes it worse than it usually is. He forgets time, dates, objects, can't finish things he starts, ect. I was told the best way to cope with it is not to take his inattentivness personally, since it is just the way he is and can't help it. I always feel guilty after I cry or get emotional because he can't help it.. Even if he took medication it wouldn't fix everything. I am trying to be understanding and supportive of him when he gets down and calls himself a bad person, but I secretly agree sometimes and I hate that since he can't help being ADHD. I don't know sometimes.

PhotoChick
11-12-2008, 06:33 PM
My boyfriend has untreated ADHD. With all due respect ...
So f'in what????

ADHD does not mean being cruel. And anyone who uses it as an excuse or says "I am the way I am and you have to accept it because of my ADHD" is full of the worst kind of BS.

Not only are they being jerks, they're manipulating a very real disease that a lot of people struggle with to excuse the fact that they're being jerks.

And I think that's repulsive.

.

Huskyhusker
11-12-2008, 06:55 PM
With all due respect ...
So f'in what????

ADHD does not mean being cruel. And anyone who uses it as an excuse or says "I am the way I am and you have to accept it because of my ADHD" is full of the worst kind of BS.

Not only are they being jerks, they're manipulating a very real disease that a lot of people struggle with to excuse the fact that they're being jerks.

And I think that's repulsive.

.

My boyfriend never blames ADHD for how he behaves. I have scanned online forums, read books, and talked to my mom on how to cope (my dad was also formally diagnosed with the disorder). The main thing everyone has said is that I cannot change him, he has to do that. He will always have ADHD, so I need to accept that he will never behave perfectly normal in his interactions with people.

There are mechanisims to helping him get ong better, as well as medication, but he is not ready to take that step. In the meantime all I can do is improve my reactions to his actions and keep educating myself about it while supporting him.. So I try. I really do. It is why I do not leave him.. He has a mental disability. I would not take the cane from a blind man and I will not blame him for his ADHD. That is how relationships fall apart.. And I will not give up.

TJFitnessDiva
11-12-2008, 07:14 PM
As a mom (that is also ADHD) to an ADHD child.....there is no excuse for his being mean or any other thing he happens to do. If you give him that crutch, guess what? He'll use that to his full advantage. Plus it's a mild or high functioning mental "disability".

This soo reminds me of my best friend and her husband. He is so emotional abusive that she can't tell which way is up....and she makes excuses for him too (oh he's had a bad day at work so he's right when he calls me a fat b*tch....OR....I'm fat and ugly so he has the right to cheat on me.)

PhotoChick
11-12-2008, 07:26 PM
My point was exactly what Tanee said. ADHD is NOT a disorder that causes people to be a$$holes. Seriously. ADHD and/or ADD is an attention deficit disorder ... not a sympathy disorder.

.

kuhljeanie
11-12-2008, 08:39 PM
So I try. I really do. It is why I do not leave him.. He has a mental disability.

are you saying that if you got involved with any man that had problems (like, say, alcoholism, or a rage-aholic) you wouldn't leave him because he had problems? you don't owe this man anything. at all. please, please, please try and find low- or no-cost counseling to learn how to establish appropriate boundaries for your own health and well-being. there is so much that you've written about this relationship and your history that makes me sad - i'm concerned that you never learned what it means to take care of yourself, and this guy is simply exploiting you. it's ugly, and you somehow turn every awful thing he does into your own failure. PLEASE get some help!

Sidheag
11-12-2008, 08:57 PM
Ok, first of all I'll go ahead and answer the original question. No, I know the bf watches porn and I really couldn't care less. If he wanted to be with a girl like that he would but he's not. He's with me. I think that it's his right, just like it's mine, to have fantasies. What he watches doesn't have anything to do with me...except when he sees something and goes: "We should try that!"

I do think that there are men out there that don't look at porn...but even those men have some other way of "relieving" themselves. It is natural to have to do that from time to time and almost all of us can say that we've done it at least once. As many others have said the real issue here is that you are making something that doesn't have anything to do with you an excuse to starve yourself or as leverage to change his behavior.

I do agree that if it bothers you so much he should respect you enough to at the very least not flaunt that he looks. But I think you should also respect that as long as it doesn't get out of hand looking at porn is something that he does for him.

As to porn itself, I don't see anything inherently good or bad about it. I do think however, that it is wrong to judge people for looking at it. We all have our fantasies. It can be a lot of fun and a great way to very quickly blow off some steam.

Try and look at some of the issues behind your feelings honey. :Hug: we are all here for you.

inspired by you
11-12-2008, 09:15 PM
I'm with the last few posters ^^^^^^^ with just one word to add

CODEPENDENCY-a popular psychology concept popularized by Twelve-Step program advocates. A "codependent" is loosely defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for persons who depend on him or her. A "codependent" is one side of a relationship between mutually needy people. The dependent, or obviously needy party(s) may have emotional, physical, financial difficulties, or addictions they seemingly are unable to surmount. The "codependent" party exhibits behaviour which controls, makes excuses for, pities, and takes other actions to perpetuate the obviously needy party's condition, because of their desire to be needed and fear of doing anything that would change the relationship.

GatorgalstuckinGA
11-12-2008, 09:49 PM
i really think the porn is only a small portion of the issue. The history you are describing doesn't sound good. I personally don't care how drunk someone is...that is no excuse to treat any body poorly. I personally think you need to start looking out for yourself. I don't care if someone has a disorder...that's no excuse. I haven't been diagnosed with ADHD by a dr or psychologist...but i have all the clinical signs of one...but instead of using it as an excuse..i've made it a benefit to my life. I'm a veternarian..and having the short attention span actually helps me thru a busy day at work. You're bf's ADHA is no excuse to treat you poorly. Start having some respect for yourself...you are a good wt and height and can find anyone if you just start believing in yourself. But to me, this relationship sounds unhealthy. I also think that working in a strip club gives you a poor definition of men (not that i'm looking down at you for working there..just stating the facts). When most men go to strip clubs they tend to act like pigs...usually men go for bachelor parties etc and its a time where they feel its acceptable to be pigs (not that i'm condoning it). I personally don't have an issue with occasion porn or an occasional trip to the strip club (for things like bachelor parties) but what i'm hearing from your posts is it isn't all about the porn. And i agree..there are places where you can get free couseling in many areas. It sounds like your BF has blown off your feelings on a few occasions. You need someone who can listen to you and talk about things, without you worring that he's going to get upset if you are crying. I think its time to start loving yourself for how great you are!!!!! I know its hard to let go of a relationship..but wouldn't you rather be in a relationship where you feel you man is standing by you 100% of the time, not just occasionally. I think drinking is no excuse for being rude and inconsiderate. Please start realizing what a wonderful person you are. Stop letting his issues be legitimate excuses. You need to sit down with yourself, take a deep look at yourself and realize you are wondeful and deserve nothing but the best. DONT SETTLE FOR SECOND BEST YOU DESERVE NOTHING BUT THE BEST!!!!!!

fatmad
11-12-2008, 11:34 PM
Wow Husker, you really touched off a big debate. Its amazing to read the diverse opinions.
My own view of porn, I don't judge men (or women:o:o)about it. Most men I have had relationships with used porn for masterbation purposes, and they did choke the chicken:lol:no matter how wonderful the sex life.
(I think there was one man in my past , yes, I had a wasted youth, that I am fairly sure didn't watch porn) but my concern is with the sex industry which makes me uncomfortable. When my DH and I discussed it, and I talked about how fake and non-erotic I found much of it, and didn't see that as a turn-on, he thought about it more. He also didn't want porn on the computer or in magazines for our kids to find. so as far as I know, its not around. It is available on the pay-per-view but it hasn't been a problem. And none of my old boyfriends were sex addicts, perverts, child molesters or bad people. I liked and still do like most of them, if I see them.
But most of us have some kind of sexual fantasy life, and I would never judge a person for this, male or female.

You also touched off a whole debate about your relationship, which you didn't directly ask for advice about, and about your eating disorder.
I think most members are concerned about you.
There are clearly a lot of issues you bring up, about feeling you don't "deserve" food. About feeling fat and ugly cause he watches porn. I find it interesting that you defend all his other behaviours, and talk about accepting his ADHD stuff and not taking it personally, but you take this behaviour personally. I think its pretty clear that it is not a personal thing about you at all.
You sure have laid it on the line, rather bravely, and taken lots of flack.
It must be hard to get so much feedback in such a short time, most of it so personal. :(
Good luck husker, hope you find yourself ok.
fatmad:hug:

Huskyhusker
11-13-2008, 01:05 PM
Wow Husker, you really touched off a big debate. Its amazing to read the diverse opinions.
My own view of porn, I don't judge men (or women:o:o)about it. Most men I have had relationships with used porn for masterbation purposes, and they did :lol:no matter how wonderful the sex life.
(I think there was one man in my past , yes, I had a wasted youth, that I am fairly sure didn't watch porn) but my concern is with the sex industry which makes me uncomfortable. When my DH and I discussed it, and I talked about how fake and non-erotic I found much of it, and didn't see that as a turn-on, he thought about it more. He also didn't want porn on the computer or in magazines for our kids to find. so as far as I know, its not around. It is available on the pay-per-view but it hasn't been a problem. And none of my old boyfriends were sex addicts, perverts, child molesters or bad people. I liked and still do like most of them, if I see them.
But most of us have some kind of sexual fantasy life, and I would never judge a person for this, male or female.

You also touched off a whole debate about your relationship, which you didn't directly ask for advice about, and about your eating disorder.
I think most members are concerned about you.
There are clearly a lot of issues you bring up, about feeling you don't "deserve" food. About feeling fat and ugly cause he watches porn. I find it interesting that you defend all his other behaviours, and talk about accepting his ADHD stuff and not taking it personally, but you take this behaviour personally. I think its pretty clear that it is not a personal thing about you at all.
You sure have laid it on the line, rather bravely, and taken lots of flack.
It must be hard to get so much feedback in such a short time, most of it so personal. :(
Good luck husker, hope you find yourself ok.
fatmad:hug:

You're completely right, fatmad.. I did not expect the volume of responses I recieved and while I am thankful for them, I will try to summarize the newest update to this mess as best as I can.

I am considering counseling. To the poster who put down the definition of a co-dependent - thank you. All your insights really opened my eyes. I talked with the boyfriend last night.. Really talked. He agrees he did not handle situations in the past in the right way, and he also admitted to having a hard time getting over being emotionally dead. While it does not excuse his behavior, it might be an insight into it.. He recently returned from being in Iraq for a year. He suffers nightmares, flashbacks, ect. He said he has a hard time relating to people and their emotions because getting emotional over 'there' was liable to get you killed. He talked some about his time there with me (which he never really has before) and I asked him (though I shouldn't of) if he thinks he killed anyone (I thought this might be at the root of the distancing). He immediately shut down again and said goodnight. I think I may have the answer to a question I was cruel for asking in the first place.

I want to work it out with him, I do. He is a fun, bright, energetic guy. I hit a deer last night as well (gotta love my luck) and he comforted me then. I just think this mire needs a ton of shoveling and patience while I see a counselor. I think with time it can be worked out.

Thanks again guys. :)

Ufi
11-13-2008, 02:40 PM
You should be able to access counseling services through veteran groups for significant others. It sounds like he needs to be treated for PTSD, and soon. Seriously, I know a vet who nearly died, it got so bad. The sooner it is treated, the better. The country should take care of its veterans, and there's been lots of articles about how its such a problem with the war. He's not alone.

Even if you don't go that route, your local women's crisis support group should be able to connect you with some counseling, maybe even free. If you can't find it in the phone book, the library or the newspaper should know who does that.

I've heard the excuses you're making for him, even made some of them myself. Believe me, you have the right to be respected, and you're not being respected.

By the way, a couple of guys I believe told me they absolutely do not watch porn unless they do it with their SI, one says he never does because it feels like cheating to him. Another guy who is very Eastern in his philosophy gave a lengthy explanation about "leaking sexual energy" and how it damages the natural flow of the relationship. One guy says he'd like to but his wife would kill him.

Jen415
11-13-2008, 02:52 PM
Husky, that was a MAJOR piece of information you left out (him being in the military in Iraq for a year). I for one would have have more compassionate thoughts for him had I known this. Knowing he may have PTSD explains some of the behavior you have experienced from him.

Before I get on my soapbox about the war, I'm hitting reply.....

JayEll
11-13-2008, 04:00 PM
Gosh... there are so many, um, interesting details to this story... :chin: Hmmmm...

Jay

Huskyhusker
11-13-2008, 04:17 PM
Gosh... there are so many, um, interesting details to this story... :chin: Hmmmm...

Jay

Tell me about it. I feel like I am living a soap opera sometimes. Hitting that deer last night is going to make me face a 500 dollar deductible I can't afford. I am fine, but my car had over $5300 dollars worth of repairs facing it. Thank god the rental is free.. I would face a 600 dollar charge for 20 days if it wasn't.

Anyhow,yeah, I totally forgot he went to Iraq.until he brought it up last night. I mean I knew, but it slipped my mind as a contributing factor until last night's chat. I will look into those support groups. :/

Diva
11-13-2008, 05:37 PM
I guess I feel like I failed the relationship somewher because of this and therefore am not deserving of food.

Personally, I think that statement there is crazier than a man watching porn.

Jen415
11-14-2008, 09:53 AM
Personally, I think that statement there is crazier than a man watching porn.

Agreed....definitely a sign of a disorder (which she says she has battled in the past).

raw23
11-14-2008, 10:09 AM
Husky, that was a MAJOR piece of information you left out (him being in the military in Iraq for a year). I for one would have have more compassionate thoughts for him had I known this. Knowing he may have PTSD explains some of the behavior you have experienced from him.


No joke... I would've been more compassionate too!

Husky, sounds like you've got a game plan. If you think you can work this out and be happy, go for it. But, please eat! :) Good luck to you!

JamieJo
11-14-2008, 10:26 AM
Have not read through all of this but of course want to add my two sense...

You could weigh 100 pounds and your boyfriend is still going to watch the porn. It really has nothing to do with you that he watches porn. It's not a stab against you, because of you, and most of all...not because of your weight.

On that note, my husband watches porn regularly and I could care less. I of course, have weight loss issues myself, but I know that he does not watch porn because he "thinks I'm fat." He really does it to have a quick relief. Without getting too personal :) I sometimes watch with him and it always ends in a fun and interesting night for the both of us. :)

My husband has also been to Iraq twice but I know that he watched porn before going to Iraq and probably will when he lives in a nursing home...

If you are with a guy that watches porn, I M O, he is always going to watch porn. Would you rather he hide that fact? Hiding small things like that leads to hiding bigger things. If you can't deal with him watching porn, it's time to end the relationship...and from the sounds of other things like his mean drinking and leaving you on the floor crying to joyride with you friend, you should ditch him anyways...

PhotoChick
11-14-2008, 11:06 AM
If you are with a guy that watches porn, I M O, he is always going to watch porn. Would you rather he hide that fact? Hiding small things like that leads to hiding bigger things. If you can't deal with him watching porn, it's time to end the relationshipI can't express how much I agree with this.

People try to make it into this big "if he loved me he'd stop" thing.
And my response is "if you loved him, you wouldn't make him stop".

If you have a moral objection to porn, then you need to find a partner who shares that moral objection. If your partner doesn't feel the same way, then forcing him to do so is unfair to him.

Honestly I do believe sexual compatibility (and that includes porn) is just like religious compatibility. Either you pick someone who is on the same page as you are, or you agree to accept the differences. But you don't force someone to conform to your standards/beliefs.

.

Extasee58865
11-14-2008, 11:11 AM
PHOTCHICK
Honestly I do believe sexual compatibility (and that includes porn) is just like religious compatibility. Either you pick someone who is on the same page as you are, or you agree to accept the differences. But you don't force someone to conform to your standards/beliefs.

:cp: I totally agree! Sometimes you have to accept that people are different. I couldn't of said that better myself! :D

vixjean
11-15-2008, 01:21 AM
Do you work at a strip club, but don't want him to watch porn... I am so confused.

CousinRockingChair
11-15-2008, 07:39 AM
I havn't read all the other replies because I was too impatient/annoyed to.

NOT ALL GUYS watch porn. My boyfriend doesn't, and he didn't often before he was with me anyway, it didn't do much for him.

I know other guys who don't.

My ex boyfriend did, but stopped IMMEDIATELY because I was worth that much to him and dang, you're worth that much too.

Why should you put up with this? You have an active sex life, and you don't like porn, so its completely reasonable to say *well, if you value it so much we arn't right for one another*.

I hate it when women get so hurt by this, its so unecessary. Men. Arn't. Automatically. Entitled.

GatorgalstuckinGA
11-15-2008, 10:02 AM
i think photo chick hit it right on the head with sexual compatability...and its a good point. Some people are ok with porn some arent. And if you are aren't but your bf is...things may never change. And it may be something that always bothers you. Its something you have to think about.

I agree that knowing he had PTSD would have helped too. But that being said...there is counseling he needs to do. The military is accepting of it after war situations. And maybe you can find some counseling for yourself while you are there.

PhotoChick
11-15-2008, 02:27 PM
Men. Arn't. Automatically. Entitled.
Neither. Are. Women.

.

CousinRockingChair
11-15-2008, 02:33 PM
Well no, I didn't say that they were though. But since this is MAINLY all woman board, and men are in general being discussed here, thought that was sort of automatically assumed!

Ufi
11-16-2008, 01:43 PM
One thing I'd like to point out is that your compatability with him and your support of him are two different things. Just because you want to support him doesn't mean that you are compatable. And it sounds like he isn't offering what you want and need from a relationship. He will choose to get help or not get help for his problems, and that is his choice. Just as you choose or do not choose to deal with an eating disorder. You are not required to do this for him, and it can harm you to hold the belief that you have to. I know it feels good to be needed, but YOU need you more than he needs you. Are you living the life you truly want to live? If you look 5, 10 years into the future, what are your dreams?

It makes sense to me that you might develop objections to porn from working in a strip club and seeing the attitude of some men toward women, that they are commodities like a hamburger and fries, and maybe some part of you wonders if your boyfriend thinks about women that way and if you maybe need to increase your value as a product by losing weight. Even if someone argues that all men watch porn, I don't think anyone can argue that all men are respectful toward women and see them as complete human beings. I think you may have a valid fear that your boyfriend is among the men who watch porn and act disrespectfully. Based on how you've said he's acted, I do not think I would date your boyfriend, even if he acted really nice at other times. There was a point in my life when I might have, but sometimes is just not enough anymore.

sacha
11-17-2008, 07:09 PM
Men, generally, do not equate love with sex like women do. That's why "friends with benefits" situations always work for men but women usually grow attached. I would assume that nearly all men watch and enjoy porn. I also think many LIE about that use because of the fear of wrath from their women. I will watch it with him, or, he will watch it alone when I'm not around. I don't mind. For men, it's about a quick relief. If you watch it with him, it makes him appreciate that he can share his sexuality with you, rather than hide it. I work with all men. Alpha types, law enforcement and military guys. I learned over the years that men and women think VERY differently. I would suggest to women to try and embrace this difference and enjoy it with your man. Some women will always be against porn, and that's fine, but I also think that it's important to try and realize that it isn't "about you". There's nothing sexier than a woman who is secure about her sexuality. Just my experience.

PhotoChick
11-17-2008, 07:31 PM
I also think that it's important to try and realize that it isn't "about you". There's nothing sexier than a woman who is secure about her sexuality.Yup. I couldn't agree more.

.

tarryn
11-17-2008, 08:18 PM
If he doesn't think its a big deal to be watching porn and you suddenly tell him to stop- what if he doesn't want to? what if he says 'ok ill stop' and then continues and hides it and lies about it whenever you ask him.
i think you have to decide whether it really bothers you that much u cant deal with it- or somehow work around it and try and be ok with it.
an i second photochick and sacha!!