Body Image and Issues after Weight Loss - Comments made by Boyfriend

Ok, so this is kind of a long story, but basically here goes...

I made a huge move over several states and changed jobs without having my family around. I got a boyfriend after moving to the new state, and then proceeded to put on twenty pounds due to the stress. The boyfriend noticed this over a period of several months, and then I happened to ask him if he still found me as attractive as he did the day we went out the first time. He said, "do you even need to ask me this? No, I don't. You're still attractive but not as attractive as you were then." I told him I was hurt by this, but he just says I am too sensitive. He has also (I think) jokingly called me 'tolerable' to be around, a bit of a spaz, and a jerk sometimes. He is nice otherwise.. He is a farmer's son, so I can imagine tact is not his strong suite. Thing is, I have never called him a jerk and he is no skinny mini himself.. Yet if he gained twenty pounds, I would not say what he told me! I wouldn't even think it.

Anyways, he just left outside after asking me to help him with something. Thing is, I don't feel I am wanted around so I declined. I do not want to be around someone who thinks those things of me. He recently said he was on his period when he issued the remark about my attractivness, which didn't help things much.. Am I just the crazy one here?

Boys can be jerks sometimes. I think it's in their nature.
Atleast he "corrected" himself, by saying he was PMS'ing. That shows he realizes he shouldn't have said that.

Cut him some slack, he tried to apologize in his own way. Most guys are not terribly great at answering those types of questions.
And really - why on earth did you ask it? It is one of those loaded questions and you wouldn't have been happy with any answer. Think about it.

If he had said, why of course - you are every bit as attractive as when I first met you, you would have had nagging doubts that he was lying - because you don't think you are as attractive 20 lbs. heavier.

So, be thankful he blurted out an honest answer, realized his mistake and tried to make light of it. He loves you. He finds you attractive. He's nice, he's honest ...

If his comments hurt you, discuss them honestly with him. Let him know you are hurt when he calls you a spaz. Most guys wouldn't have a clue that it could be hurtful. DH and I have had some pet names for each other that were endearing to us, but might have sounded strange to others. I'm betting that he doesn't realize that you are hurt and he will change if you let him know.

Most guys show their affection for each other by calling each other names. It's a guy thing. My husband and his brother call each other dipsh*t all the time. I don't get it, but it works for them. They also punch each other. And put each other in headlocks. (And these are 40+ year old men, mind you.)

Guys are weird.

Also, I do think you put him in a no win situation with the "do you still find me attractive" question. How is he supposed to answer that? I think he was nicely honest - yes, you're still attractive, but not as much as you used to be. Ouch, sure. I'd find that painful - but then again I'd have to accept that I asked.

I think you need to cut him some slack here. There's obviously a lot going on with you - the weight, the stress, probably some homesickness, etc. Don't make him bear the brunt of your issues. :)

.

Yeah... ask yourself the same question: Do you think you're as attractive as you were 20 pounds ago? You would probably answer no. Next time, be prepared for every possible answer you might get. If your not, then don't ask.

I'm sorry your feelings were hurt. Mine would be too. It was a tricky question, but knowing that probably doesn't help the way you are hurting right now.

Try not to use this as an excuse to continue to stress eat. Stay online at 3fc and bond with the chicks. I know when I am online with the chicks I am not eating. :)

When I was younger, that would have devastated me. I've come to realize that it really isn't important what other people think. What matters is what you think.

You asked him his opinion and he gave it to you. And he was honest, and it hurt. You were probably feeling bad about yourself, or you wouldn't have wanted vindication from him, so it was extra hurtful.

I don't think it would be fair to hold his opinion against him. Honesty can be hard to come by. Trust me, it doesn't help when they tell you what you want to hear, but you know its only lip service.

Are you aware that your comment about him being a "farmer's son" is also insulting? So you're even. Move on.

Bottom line, don't ask if you don't want to know the answer. Be positive about yourself and other's opinions become less important.

Good luck.

I think all those things he has said could be explained away as just human imperfections if he was otherwise a great guy and you were really happy. They could also just be the tip of the iceberg of what he is really like, in a bad way. Impossible to tell from a short post, or any kind of post really. But I will say that it sounds like you're not happy. Sometimes little things bug us when we're not happy that we would laugh off when we were happy - so the important thing isn't exactly what he said, but that you're not happy.

. Yet if he gained twenty pounds, I would not say what he told me! I wouldn't even think it.

If you were only willing to accept one answer from him, why ask in the first place? I agree with Julie that it sounds like you're not happy. The fact your asking questions like that, and only being able to accept one answer shows that you need validation and bf or not, the only person able to give you validation and happiness is YOU. From what you said, he hasnt said he no longer loves you or anything, so I think you just need to do some soul searching for yourself, learn to love you first.

. . . then I happened to ask him if he still found me as attractive as he did the day we went out the first time. He said, "do you even need to ask me this? No, I don't. You're still attractive but not as attractive as you were then."

He is responsible for what he says, but I think you're also responsible for asking. I never ask my husband questions to which I wouldn't appreciate a honest answer. If I suspect an answer might hurt my feelings, then I just don't ask.

I know the answer he gave you hurt.I am sorry for that but did it hurt because his answer just comfirmed how you were feeling about yourself? I know I am harder on myself than anyone else is. I knew I needed to lose weight but hubby was telling me I look great, so I gained another 15 pounds and blamed him a bit for not saying I was gaining. Guys are in a no win situation when asked these questions.

i am 20 lbs heavier now than when my husband and i started dating as well and i KNOW my body is not as good now as it was then <i say my body b/c ppl swear my face has gotten prettier with age b/c it used to b such a baby face> however if my husband said that to me after i carried his two children first i would slap the sh*t out of him and then i would bust my azz to lose that 20 lbs.

if you dont want an honest answer dont ask

There are questions that are truly "no win" questions. Women have asked that question, gotten the "right answer" (you get more and more attractive to me every day) - and then come here and complain that they "know" that he is lying to make them feel good, because there's "no way" he could find her attractive x number of pounds heavier than when they met. Or WORSE - he likes me heavier, so no other man will look at me - or he likes me heavier so he's going to be sabotaging my weight loss efforts.

There are certain questions women should never ask, because they're not going to like or be satisfied with any answer. Or as my husband says, "if you want a specific answer, could you let me know what it is ahead of time, so I know what I'm supposed to say."

That question is right up there with "does this dress make me look fat," or "is she prettier than I am?"

As someone who is prone to ask loaded questions myself, I have learned to rephrase them so I get what I want.
There is no harm in saying, "I am not feeling really great about my body. Can you please tell me what you find attractive about me?" or something along those lines. If you ask for support in this kind of a way, you will most likely get a wonderful answer, the kind you are really looking for.
Ask for what you want from your partner, Huskyhusker, in a really straightforward and honest way. You deserve to be loved and supported.
Then you get what you want, he is not confused (most men don't understand our loaded questions anyway) and you save all the money I have had to spend on marriage counselling :)

I know how you feel. I asked my husband that same question and he told me that I am always beautiful to him but of course when I am thin I am more attractive. I got offended and he said well just think if I lost weight and got really buff, you would think I was more attractive wouldn't you?! I thought about it and decided he was right. I think part of it is the self confidence that shines through when you feel good about yourself and with most people that is correlated with weight.

Yeah, that question (and similar ones) are problematic at best. If an average person gains a significant amount of fat and asks 'Do I look more or less attractive?' to their partner, pretty much only fat fetishists could answer 'more' truthfully. And that would be weird.

Yeah, that question (and similar ones) are problematic at best. If an average person gains a significant amount of fat and asks 'Do I look more or less attractive?' to their partner, pretty much only fat fetishists could answer 'yes' truthfully. And that would be weird.

You haven't met my husband :)

Yeah, that question (and similar ones) are problematic at best. If an average person gains a significant amount of fat and asks 'Do I look more or less attractive?' to their partner, pretty much only fat fetishists could answer 'yes' truthfully. And that would be weird.

Not unheard of, though. They are out there, and you'd never guess which ones they are. LOL

I am sorry your feelings got hurt, HuskyHusker. I've been in that situation, too, and like you, I walked right into it, thinking I would get some reassurance. I did not. I got a sidestepping sort of tangent about how there's a difference between overweight and obese, but that he definitely prefers not to be with an "anorexic chick." As though one of those unfortunate people with a legitimate eating disorder have anything to do with people like him and me, who ate too much and didn't exercise enough! (I can't stand it when people accuse slender women of being 'anorexic' just to pander to people who bring their weight problem on themselves.)

The only thing I can say is that you can't worry about what he thinks of your body. I suspect, if he's anything like most decent men I've met, that he's more attracted to your confidence in yourself (and that includes your appearance). If that's the case, you need only get to where YOU feel confident and attractive and to his eyes, you will be the hottest thing alive.

OR, you'll end up dumping him and landing somebody more supportive. Whatever works.
Good luck!

Not so much tact on his part. My husband sort of hints that I should lose weight but never called me fat or made remarks to hurt me. In a way you asked and he was honest then felt bad about it. If he's a nice guy otherwise, forgive him if not, I would say move on. Put things into perspective.

HH, it sounds to me like you're making a lot of excuses for him. It wasn't a great idea to ask him that question, but it wasn't exactly brilliant of him to answer the way he did either. I'm very much against boyfriends who hurt your feelings or are detrimental to your self-esteem. Maybe this was just an honest misunderstanding or him not being tactful, but it also could be a big flashing CAUTION light. Be careful. It's better to be alone with your 20 pounds than with someone who makes you feel bad about them (even if it's not on purpose).

I agree with doveyheart. Sure he was "honest" but his attitude about the whole thing (even the apology) sounded like one of disrespect. He made light of something that you made clear was important to you. Not to mention his comments about you being "tolerable"... The way I see it, if you weren't laughing with him, it was inappropriate and not funny.

I hate it when guys make jokes about girls (especially their girlfriends) that are so not obviously really jokes and then tell her that she needs to lighten up if she gets upset. If he respects and loves you he'll realize that he truly did hurt you and he'll do whatever he can to make it right.

Domino has the right idea...

Sorry, But I do not agree with those who said you walked into it and should not be hurt by what he said...that is such a cop out for him!

He is your bf. He is supposed to encourage not discourage self esteem in any way. Even if he found you more attractive 20 lbs lighter, a good bf would always respond "I still find you just as attractive." If my bf ever said that to me I sure as **** would be offended.

Gees Chickie, looks like you are taking quite a beating on here. Sadly, I will have to add another dope slap to the ones that came before. First thing: Loaded questions are evil and must be destroyed. If you know you've had to switch from a size 6 to a size 10 jeans, then you obviously know you have some work to do to look the way you did before.

Second thing: I have gained 40 lbs since my husband and I met 7 years ago and sadly, you would think this might turn him off... WRONG! I practically can't beat the man off of me most days. I know I'm not as attractive as I was when we met, be he loves me despite my imperfections and he sticks around no matter what. That brings me to my point, don't look for the fairy tale, because life doesn't come in those perfect packages. Sometimes it comes in the form of farm boys who, although tactless, can realize they goofed and attempt to apologize in their own goofy way. (Note: If comment lacks tact, more than likely, so will the apology. At least you got one in some shape or form.)

Last Note: What kind of man would he be if he'd thought about those 20 pounds as much as you have, decided he wasn't attracted to you anymore due to them, and left? Lucky for you (and the majority of women I would say) most men aren't such dirt bags that they can't forgive us 20 lbs here or there(or 40 in my case.) Men may occasionally be dogs, but dogs ARE known for their loyalty, are they not? He may pee on the floor and chew on your favorite shoes, but he's always happy to see you isn't he?

Just try to chin up. Focus on your diet and exercise and don't beat yourself up for the 20 lbs.

Wow.


Wow! I mean really. Wow. I would TOTALLY be offended by that!!! I'm in somewhat of the same boat, kind of. Only my weight gain is from birth control. If my boyfriend said it in that kind of a way - I would be SOOO hurt!! Absolutely unacceptable!!! I absolutely agree with jerseygirl. I'd also be very weary in the future with the guy. His apology sounds half-assed and apathetic, but maybe that's just the way I read it.

At the very least you definitely have the right to feel however it is you feel about the situation! Good luck with your weight loss, your relationship, and building back some smashed self esteem :( <3

Number one, if you are 162 pounds at 5'7" you are barely overweight.

Number two, you asked him what he thought. He told you.

Number three, don't ask questions that you don't want to hear the answers to.

Geez huskyhusker,

If you just gained 20lbs in a short span of time due to stress, last thing you need on your mind is to stress about how the added lbs are making you less attractive.
that's just more stress, and a less happy you, and a downward spiral...

and feelings of self doubt and self pity, those are just signs of your deeper unhappiness. I sense something amiss about your new living situation. anything that causes you to gain 20lbs can't be good.

You need to remedy something in your life, find some stress relief and find something to be happy about so you can stop this weight gain. Sounds like you're in a REALLY unhealthy spot.

Oh, and dump the boyfriend. Not for his honest answer, but for calling you those names and playing it off as a joke. I was with someone like that once, but never again...

i can't believe that more people didn't suggest that you kick him to the curb! lol!

I can understand that is was an honest answer, but it sounds like he is "honest" alot - aka kind of a jerk. If you feel unwanted maybe its not just from a few comments but the overall feeling you get from him these days. Maybe you should look for someone who is less brutally honest and a little more appreciative of you and nicer overall.

that guy is a jerk. and he's "pmsing"?? puleeze.....he is just a disrespectful jerk.....attractiveness is more than just physical.

he could have said that he's crazy about you and ask you why you are asking and be supportive of your desire to lose weight (assuming you have that desire) while still assuring you that he wants you. what law says we can't feel good about ourselves BEFORE we are "perfect"?

I hope you dumped him.

The inner b*tch in me would love for you to lose 20 lbs then tell him youve decided to lose another 150 lbs(or whatever he weighs) and get REALLY sexy!:devil:

hahaha... that's a good one!