General chatter - update: ok or not?




View Full Version : update: ok or not?


txnikita
10-28-2008, 09:52 PM
Okay,

Some of you may remember a post I had a while back where I was upset that my husband was emailing and talking to a single woman often.

Well yesterday I went in on my day off to pick up extra hours for the much needed money (I am the only income in our family) and I came home to find emails where this girl is telling my husband how perfect and huge her breasts are. It started with her asking him how to get a guy away from his girlfriend because she wanted him. My husband said....flash him your boobs. She went on to say she wanted him to like her for more than that but that her breasts were better than the average pair and that she has only had lots of compliments and no complaints. It went on for a few emails back and forth before they changed the subject.

See what could be innocent banter between two friends I can't see because to me I see me going off to work to provide for our kids while he sits at home and has a friend tell him how well built she is.

Am I wrong to be bothered and upset by this???:shrug:


ray of sunshine
10-28-2008, 09:59 PM
:nono:If that was my husband he would have my heel up his a**... totally wrong if they are friends thats fine but he was out of line... and it sounds like you are supporting him too... girl you know what you feel comfortable with and it sounds like that crossed the line....handle it with the most wisdom you can

PhotoChick
10-28-2008, 10:04 PM
Well, it seems that she's asking him for advice about another guy - not that she's offering to flash her boobs at your husband. Also your husband was the one who started with the advice to flash her boobs (based on what you've said) and her response is ... well I guess they're good enough (or words to that effect), so I don't see this as being necessarily anything bad. Then again, I'm not freaked out by sex talk ... I don't consider it a taboo.

I dunno. I have asked my guy friends for advice on a relationship before (yes including sexual advice) - I figure if they're happily married they must know something about the way a guy's mind works in that respect and can give me advice.

I gotta say that it seems to me that there's a lot more here than just his female friend and what they talk about. Your comments about how you are working overtime, how he's sitting at home while you work to earn money chatting with a friend, etc., seem to indicate a LOT of resentment on your part about this. I am kind of wondering if you're really angry and resentful about this work/money situation and the friendship happens to be a convenient thing for you to pin all your anger and resentment on.

If you're upset, you're upset, but I might suggest that you need to figure out what you're REALLY upset about before you get involved in making a huge big deal about this. Because if you accuse him of cheating or nearly cheating and it's really about something else - it could be hugely damaging to your marriage.

.


luvja
10-28-2008, 10:09 PM
I would totally tell my husband I don't feel comfortable with him talking to this girl. And if he continued to talk to her, we'd have problems.
;)

Arlene Dallas
10-28-2008, 10:19 PM
I would definitely discuss this with my husband as I feel that is inappropriate conversation with a married man and a single woman. I might feel differently if you both knew the woman and he openly discussed this with you...but it sounds like he has to much time on his hands.

I also agree with photochick that you need to assess what you are truly angry with...the fact he is sitting home flirting with single women online while you are working OT hours and the only breadwinner. You also dont mention how you found this information, as it sounds as if it was hidden. Did he share this with you or were you spying on him and reading his personal email? I was married to a serial adulterer so I know what that doubt and mistrust feels like, so if this is bothering you I strongly discuss you get it out in the open NOW.

txnikita
10-28-2008, 10:20 PM
See my problem is I see both points. I can totally see what you are saying Photochick. There are huge issues about the work situation. And that adds an element of resentment about the situation. However as a married woman, my beliefs are that what he said about show him your boobs and her response of well they are real and perfect isn't appropriate. But see these are my feelings, not his....and I don't want to control my husband and put him on a leash and say you can't ever talk to her cause that isn't right either. I love him and trust him and have to let him make the call of what he will or will not do.

The problem I am having is that I don't think that type of conversation is appropriate but he didn't see anything wrong with it...so now we have to find some kind of common ground where we can find something that works for both of us. :?:

JulieJ08
10-28-2008, 10:23 PM
I just assumed that the reference to the "other" guy was made up. Just a (very flimsily) veiled reference to your husband and you. IMHO.

PhotoChick
10-28-2008, 10:39 PM
See ... I guess I don't see the drama here. I joke with my guy friends all the time about sex and boobs and whatnot. Then again I'm a wedding photographer, my guy friends are wedding photographers, and we all spend time in women's dressing rooms watching brides and bridesmaids dress. :) So the whole "show him your boobs" thing .. honestly? My personal thought is "what's the big frickin' deal????" :)

And I"m not trying to be flippant or to dismiss your feelings, because your feelings are yours and I don't want to invalidate that.

I just ... I really and truly don't get it. And I feel a bit like a freak here since everyone else is all outraged, but honestly ... I have this type of conversation with my married guy friends all the time and I would NEVER think that it would be an issue. Heck, one of my guy friends and I have had this kind of back and forth banter in front of his wife and she just rolls her eyes and smiles - because she knows it's so very him.

In fact I'm thinking of a very specific conversation I had with a friend of mine (I"ve mentioned him before here - he's dealing with pancreas cancer, has had surgery, is undergoing chemo). I remember one day over a month ago we were texting back and forth and he mentioned how damn boring being in the chemo bay is and I made some flippant comment about showing up in a bikini to give him something else to think about. (I also joke with him like this because he lost 180 lbs 10 years ago and has kept it off ... so he has been very supportive about my struggle with weight and understands that right now (a) I'd never wear a bikini but (b) someday I'd like to think I could.)

But God's honest truth ... there is NOTHING between us. He loves his wife and kids and I'm happy with my guy. It was a fun, flirty joke and there was no intent there. But now I'm wondering - if I had had that conversation with your husband, would you think I was a sleazy bimbo luring him away from you?

That bothers me ... that so many women seem to automatically see their fellow women as lying cheating bimbos who are out to steal husbands from innocent wives. And are so ... freaked out ... by any conversation that has any hint of sex to it. And that the friendly banter I have with my guy friends could make someone perceive me as that way.

I dunno. I probably ought to remove myself from this thread before I get in trouble. I just don't get it.

.

JulieJ08
10-28-2008, 10:43 PM
I think context is key. If you joke around like that all the time, then duh, any particular instance is not likely to be some red flag.

If a relationship has not been built with that kind of banter, then the interchange going on is very different.

MamaMia
10-28-2008, 10:47 PM
I would totally tell my husband I don't feel comfortable with him talking to this girl. And if he continued to talk to her, we'd have problems.
;)

Yeah, that would be my short and sweet answer, too. I'mma have to give this one a bit "he!! no!"- I wouldn't let it continue if I were you. JMO

PhotoChick
10-28-2008, 10:54 PM
If a relationship has not been built with that kind of banter, then the interchange going on is very different.But I guess it seems - from this post and the previous one - that the relationship *is* kinda based on that kind of banter.

.

jimaterry
10-28-2008, 11:01 PM
I would find it highly disrespectful of both me and our marriage if my husband had 'joked' with a woman about 'boobs'...just as he would feel the same if i 'joked' about male anatomy with a man...
i think that is one reason there are so many divorces nowadays..some people forget the 'sanctity' of marriage.. for the most part, breasts are for feeding children or sex.. i dont see how discussing them with another woman, joking or not would be appropriate as she falls into neither catagory.. or shouldnt anyhow...

PhotoChick
10-28-2008, 11:05 PM
i think that is one reason there are so many divorces nowadays..some people forget the 'sanctity' of marriage.. for the most part, breasts are for feeding children or sex.You're kidding right????

Tell me please that you're kidding.

.

JulieJ08
10-28-2008, 11:08 PM
But I guess it seems - from this post and the previous one - that the relationship *is* kinda based on that kind of banter.

.

I meant the marital relationship and their circle of friends in general. It sounds to me like what he is doing with this woman is not the norm in this marriage and this circle of friends. It has sounded to me like this relationship between the OP's husband and this woman is different from his usual friendships. That's what is a red flag to me. She didn't frame the problem as him flirting with lots of people and that being a problem. She said he is flirting with this one woman.

jimaterry
10-28-2008, 11:15 PM
no, im not kidding.. at least that is what i use mine for.. i breastfed both my children and they are an errogenous zone.. if you have something else yours do other than those two things.. more power to you photochick!

luvja
10-28-2008, 11:23 PM
Yikes, this topic is getting kind of heated!
Anywho, maybe I'm just overprotective? But my man don't need to be talking to other women about their breasts. And I'd let him know that to, I got no problems doing that.

Maybe we should all just agree to disagree? no?

iriswhispers
10-28-2008, 11:30 PM
I just assumed that the reference to the "other" guy was made up. Just a (very flimsily) veiled reference to your husband and you. IMHO.

me too... but hopefully that's not the case.

you have to know your husband and if this kind of talk is normal for him. I have some guy friends (and guys i've dated) with whom this kind of thing would be totally acceptable, and then others who i would not expect it from. If this kind of talk is out of character for him, I'd be worried.

good luck to you! :hug:

PhotoChick
10-28-2008, 11:35 PM
"woman" ??

I'm sorry - are we now questioning her gender because of this.

Oy. I can't deal. I'm getting out of here.

Good Lord. This is ludicrous.

.

chunckymonkey
10-29-2008, 12:07 AM
I agree with PhotoChick and reading the other comments only lead me to believe that if the spouse is having a "conversation" with a friend it's ok - but if the other spouse doesn't know the person the "conversation" is with - well, that's another story.

I was raised in a very conservative household - my hub on the other hand wasn't - let me tell you - my first dinner with his family at the dining room table put me into "what the he**" zone quick. But, as I grew with the family - I realized that no one was being torrid - there just wasn't anything that couldn't or wouldn't be discussed.

A one income family is very hard. It seems that your feeling - I'm working your playing and this is what I come home to. Not only do you feel unappreciated for your work but also taken advantage of. You know your gut - and for any woman who has been deceived - You Know IT. It's not a question and you don't have to think about it - it's a knot that doesn't go away.

Have you thought of saying "Darling, showing the ta ta's" was your best answer? Bring it up and talk about it - either way you'll feel better than second guessing yourself.

Best to ya

ray of sunshine
10-29-2008, 12:25 AM
I just want to say I am sorry for my first response.. I can only imagine how hurt you feel by this, I am sorry this happened to you I am sure its not fun to ask for advice and get world war 3 on this site... I think it is a place of support . I hope you find a way to work this out where both of you can live with the end result. I wish you the best :hug: ps ive been marrried for 12 years and if it feels like a big deal to you it is something that really needs to be worked out and not swept under the rug.

FreeSpirit
10-29-2008, 12:30 AM
I meant the marital relationship and their circle of friends in general. It sounds to me like what he is doing with this woman is not the norm in this marriage and this circle of friends. It has sounded to me like this relationship between the OP's husband and this woman is different from his usual friendships. That's what is a red flag to me. She didn't frame the problem as him flirting with lots of people and that being a problem. She said he is flirting with this one woman.

I agree, had this behaviour been normal for her and her husband, then I don't see how it would be a problem. But the OP is making it seem like this isn't something that's normal in their relationship, and that's a red flag for me as well.

DRose
10-29-2008, 12:55 AM
This happened to me over a year ago, but I was the other woman. I had been texting with my guy friend, whom I'd always made sexual jokes with, that was just the way we were. But when his girlfriend read the text messages on his phone, she completely freaked out and actually made him promise not to communicate with me at all anymore. So for 3 months we never spoke.

Now I definitely understand why she would have been upset. I just wished she had understood that it was all a joke, thats just how he and I are.

So I agree with some other comments, its about the context. Whynot see if you can meet this woman? I don't know... might make you feel more at ease if you see their interactions first hand. Maybe thats just the kind of sense of humor she has. Plus, if she did have any an underlying motivation in joking with your husband about that, then I'm sure you inviting her over (and being completely welcoming and showing how secure you are in your relationship) would probably be quite intimidating to her.

junebug41
10-29-2008, 01:03 AM
Did you express how uncomfortable this made you after you last posted? I agree with what JulieJ said, which is that this seems like it's outside the scope of what you and your husband might joke about.

In marriage there are boundaries. Some people have tighter ones than others. I have a friend who is very conservative and his wife won't allow him to be in a car alone with another woman. That is a boundary that they have agreed upon. On the other hand, I have a friend whose boundaries are a lot looser and his wife is secure enough to not take issue with the fact that he has female friends. ****, I watched their kids the other day. I find it all to be quite relative.

But I don't think I would ever find myself emailing a married male friend specifics on my breasts. She sounds like she's seeking attention more than anything.

ETA: This reminds of my DH's friend. He and she have been friends for a couple of years longer than we have been together. I've met her before and while I like her, I think she'll just always be his friend. I've never felt uncomfortable with it and would have said something otherwise (although early on I did inquire why they were never an item). The morning of our wedding, DH was adament about having breakfast with her so they could spend some time together (a precious entity during a wedding). I didn't see a thing wrong with this because it was perfectly within the scope of their friendship and my comfort level.

lizziep
10-29-2008, 01:11 AM
i can't imagine reading any of my husbands emails - and if he read mine i'd be furious. to me this is a much bigger issue then anything either one of us said in the email.
you either trust your spouse or you don't.

JayEll
10-29-2008, 08:00 AM
I had a friend I used to work with. We used to exchange emails frequently, and we would write these rather torrid but funny scenes involving things like some of our co-workers done out in leather with whips, etc. They were often quite hot! But, he was a straight guy and married, and I am not interested in men, so there wasn't anything to it except being funny and titillating. You wouldn't have guessed that if you just read our emails, though!

My question about this is, how come those messages were on the computer for just anyone to see, namely you when you came home? Because I do know that anytime a heterosexual man is talking about breasts, he's getting excited. Is he playing with your head by leaving them up on the screen?

Well, good luck anyway... Maybe what he needs is... a JOB...

Jay

JoyfulVegGirl
10-29-2008, 08:05 AM
I think the debate about whether what he said was appropriate could go on and on. Obviously different relationships have different boundaries, and what could be appropriate to one couple could be seen as a betrayal by another.

The real question is how do YOU feel in your relationship with HIM? Are you two happy in general? You mentioned that you're the one working. How is that working for you both? Do you get enough attention from him, or are you left feeling overlooked and under-appreciated? Does he feel ok about being the one at home or is it a source of frustration for him? How much time and energy is spent on maintaining the marriage in general? Do you feel that he is happy with where things are right now between the two of you?

That might seem like a lot of questions, but I know that how I would feel about the situation would be colored by how I felt about the relationship and it's stability at the time and to be honest, while it may feel hurtful it doesn't strike me as the main issue.

Just remember that he's with you for a reason and loves you for a reason :hug:

ETA: If he's at home because he's taking care of the kids then that's one thing, but otherwise I've gotta agree with Jay. He needs a job.

txnikita
10-29-2008, 12:56 PM
Wow....see this is why I can see both sides....there are a wide range of responses here.

First let me start by saying that he always lets me read his emails. We kinda just share one email account. I email people from his account all the time. It isn't like he was hiding this info from me. He just thought it was an okay conversation. I'm not comfortable with it because I don't know this girl.

I don't see this as a cheating issue. I just see it as I need to find a way to understand it. If I met him with them being friends and talking like this it would be a lot easier to understand. My thing is that this just started 14 years into our relationship. So it is new for me and I am looking for a way to grow to accept and understand it.

Thanks for sharing all your thoughts on this because it helps me to see that there are lots of ways to look at this topic.....:)