100 lb. Club - Will this pain ever end? (OT)

Hi Chicks,

I needed to put this somewhere, I am so hurt and lost now. My Fiancee left me 3 weeks ago. He says that he can't be what I need. He can't do the whole married with children thing. He says he can never be what I need so he left. He says he loves me, but he can't be the kind of guy who comes home for dinner and tv. He told me he's an alcoholic (We own a bar together) All he wants to do is drink and smoke pot. I lost him, by business, the people there that I care about.

I dont know what to do with myself. I haven't walked into our bedroom since he left. I sleep on the couch. I walk for hours every day because I can't be in the house. There are so many memories. I feel like I don't belong anywhere. Everything is familiar, my home, my town, my car . . . but it all feels different.

I don't know what I did wrong. Did he leave because I gained some weight? Because of something I did or didn't do? Im not good enough for him? I can't stop crying. I've turned into a pathetic bowl of jello.

Thanks for letting me dump. I just couldn't hold it in anymore. I want my life back and it kills me that he loves his bar more than he loves me.

Oh honey, I'm so sorry! I know this is a really icky time for you. I know it's hard, but try to look at the positive: you are getting healthier, there are no kids involved, and you're finding out now instead of after years of marriage.
That being said, I know it's rough. Vent as much as you need to!

Any time you get sad, try to think of every bad thing he's done or said, or anything about him that irks you. Focus on that, do not think about the good times or anything like that, for now.

Time will heal. I promise. I'm so sorry.

Dear one, I'm so sorry that you are in so much pain now. :( But listen, it's about him, not about you... and I guarantee you, being married to an alcoholic pothead is not want you want to do. I think he's told you the truth. He doesn't want to change, he wants to stay in his bar until he drinks and smokes himself right to death. You would not have much of a life.

Do what you can to get through the day... Do you own the bar legally together? Have you talked to a lawyer about it? Please consider doing that if you own the property jointly, because he should buy you out of your share. Don't trust him to do what's right.

There are many other people in the world. You can get through this. Take care of yourself. :hug:

Jay

I am so sorry that you are going through a break-up. :hug::hug::hug: What you are going through is the tough part and that is having an identity of your own.

Perhaps it's the best thing for you if he is an alcoholic and gets high all of the time. How could you not be good enough for someone like this? Would you want someone like him as the father of your children? What might help is if you think about how your life will be with this man ten years from now. This helped me get out of a marriage that was headed towards ****. I was involved with an alcoholic who smoked pot like some people chain-smoke cigarettes.

What might help is if you go talk to a counselor. I'm thinking that you might be too good for him. Sounds like he doesn't want any type of responsibilities connected to being married. It's not you, it's him.

Re-claim your house and bedroom. Repaint your room and re-arrange your furniture. It will make you feel better. If you have mutual friends, that doesn't mean you have lost them. If they are siding with your ex- then they are not your friends.

Take care.:hug::hug:

Dear SeaShell, It is not your weight, your hair, your cooking or cleaning - it's reality hitting him in the face...he knows that he will not be the man you deserve because he is not willing to change...and to completely leave is easier on him then try to keep a friendship going.

Your in our thoughts and although you don't know us - You Do Have Friends Here - Take Care Of Yourself

Colleen

So sorry for your pain. Be thankful that he was truthful with you. This will pass, I know it doesn't seem like it now. I agree about the bar , he doesn't seem like a good partner in business as well as life. Can you buy him out?
Or see if he wants to buy you out. It is not a good idea to be so closely associated with him, it will only bring more pain.

:hug::hug::hug:

The reason he left is all about him...NOT you.

I'm sorry you are hurting so badly. From what you wrote, it appears that this is for the best in the long run. You just need to take care of you until time and distance begins to heal the hurt...and it will...

You will come out stronger.

Take care...

DJ

I am so sorry you are in such pain but time does heal all wounds. And yes, I reiterate what the other folks are saying-it is better for you in the long run that he told you up front and you didnt spend years in marriage to find that out. And you will heal, and move on. You will meet someone else who is not an alcoholic or drug user, that shares your dreams and long term plans. My husband left me a few years ago (moved out while I was out of town on business) and I thought my life was over. It took me over a year before I could face dating someone else-I had been with my husband for 14 years. But I did date again-and dated some wonderful men before I found the one I have been with for the past year and a half. And my husband is now supporting a child he had from his affair (which is long over) and in debt up to his eyeballs...he is always telling me how he screwed up the best thing he ever had...and all I can say is YES HE DID. So take time for yourself, practice extreme self care-read, take long baths, get a mani/pedi, indulge in a hobby-whatever makes you happy. And I strongly suggest finding a support group outside of your friends and family that can give you a totally unbiased opinion...there are many wonderful groups on meetup.com and I strongly recommend Al-Anon--those people have been through much of what you are going through now. God bless and keep posting as we are all here for you.

Oh :( I am so sorry that you are feeling so crappy right now :( (hugs)

I was in a relationship for 3 years, and he decided that he didn't want to be anymore.

The best thing that I did for myself was to not contact him at all unless absolutely necessary. When I did talk to him, I didn't talk about "us." Did it take me a while to get over him? Yes, but I'm happy now. I'm married to a man who makes me happier and treats me better than he ever did.

Sometimes life throws us curveballs but the best thing you can do for yourself is to get in a good cry, and then pick up and move on like it never happened. Start living your life the way that you want to, don't contact him unless absolutely necessary, don't hang out with him, don't "chat" with him because it will only hurt you. If he contacts you, end the conversation as soon as possible. DO NOT talk to him about missing him.

Maybe he'll realise what he's lost and he'll come back to you, but don't hold out and wait for it. Move on with your life. Time will continue on whether you want it to or not, and I know it's hard to believe.. but your pain will lessen with time.

Unfortunately, this man may hit bottom one day and realize all he has thrown away for his alcohol, but that is not your problem. He has left a hole in your life that I hope you can fill with the love from friends and family. Perhaps you could get away for a couple of weeks for some solace and to sort out your thoughts? Go stay with your mom, an aunt, a sister? I hope you have some indignant girlfriends that will help you get angry, which is the other side of sadness and depression in cases like this. I am angry for you! NO one deserves the pain and destruction an alcoholic leaves behind.

This is what I learned from having an alcoholic father:
Alcohol does the talking and alcohol does the walking. Alcoholics live their lives around their addiction and it doesn't mean that they don't care about you, your life together or their own lives! The alcohol makes the rules and rules the roost. It distorts feelings and numbs morality and it leads to emotional dwarfism. You can grow beyond this guy, but it takes time. And someday you may even forgive him. Alcoholism is a terrible disease that leaves pain and destruction in its wake.

If he can not choose you over alcohol or pot then he just plain isn't good enough for you. Though I think it was really selfish of him to tell you he still loved you (kinda cowardly).. almost like he wanted to string you on so if he decided to "try again" you would be waiting for him.
Yes it hurts, and no it isn't your fault. You can't make someone love you it just doesn't work that way. And it isn't your weight. If he loved you that would not matter.. you just don't see the weight.
Everyone who replied have it all right. Even though it hurts right now and you can not see it yet, you are BETTER off without him. More time to love yourself, and work on YOUR goals.

You deserve some big hugs and lots of love. Maybe spend some time with your family and friends and if you need to cry do it. Think of this as a new begining.

I echo everything that has been said above. Now, buy a journal and write. Write all your pain. Maybe write a letter (which you will NOT SEND) to him about all the good things...and about the rest as well.

I have a friend who did this...and then held a "burial" ceremony for her marriage. She brought along some of the significant souvenirs. She burned her letter. She mourned. She acknowledged that she needed to grieve for her relationship, even though it maybe wasn't everything she thought it was.

Be kind to yourself. You deserve better.

Hugs and good wishes to you...this is awful, but this too shall pass.

Thank you for all of your support ladies. I keep reading your posts over and over and they make me feel better. I miss him so much, but I know that I can't go back. I just wish this pain would end. I don't want to feel this way. I want to be happy and find love again. Is that even possible? Can you find love twice in a lifetime? Should I start looking now and try to get over this with someone new? Or should I wait? I dont know what to do to start to heal.

Shelley

:hug:

Don't look for another relationship now. Give yourself a chance to be with you and learn who you are before looking for another relationship.
Take this time to do things for yourself.

Oh, I am so sorry. Heartbreak is the worst pain I've ever known. Take this time for yourself and your feelings. Reclaiming your house was great advice. I agree with the others that the reasons he left were about him... not you.

Of course you can find love twice in a lifetime! From experience I can offer that I wouldn't start looking for a new relationship right now. It would be unfair to you and the other person - you need this time for you.

He want's us to stay best friends. It makes me feel better that he won't be gone completely. But is it a good idea???

It's called "using you."

Jay

He want's us to stay best friends. It makes me feel better that he won't be gone completely. But is it a good idea???

I don't think at first it's a good idea. What if he starts dating women or flirting around women around you? How is that going to make you feel while you still have such strong feelings for him?

Don't be afraid to hurt this man. That was my biggest problem with my ex.. he wanted to be selfish, and I LET him! I gave him my everything, even after we broke up, and he didn't deserve it. Not in the slightest.

I'm not saying this is the case for you, but I know for me when my ex told me that he still wanted to be friends, it left me some hope that we would get back together. That's why I said okay. That's why I put up with it and still gave everything to him, don't let that be you.

You need to do what's best for YOU right now in order to heal. I think you need to spend time away from this person and learn more about yourself.

I wanted to add... I wouldn't be surprised if there is already another woman.

Jay

He has had dinner with one of our waitresses twice since we broke up. What made you say that Jay? Your right, but I am just curious.

Oh, I'm so sorry you are going through all of this :( It's difficult to see it now, but it will get better, I promise. *hugs*

seashell, (A) I've been on the planet for awhile. ;) (B) Most people, especially men it seems, but it's not JUST men for sure, are willing to let things go along the way they are until suddenly they see "something better"... and then one hears the "I'm no good for you, I'm not ready to settle down, I'm just not happy with how things are" speech and its many variations. This is an attempt to keep all options open while looking for new excitement.

(I mean, if things don't pan out, gosh! What will he do? Will he have to clean his own place and cook his own meals and do his own laundry? Bummer!) ;)

I had a friend whose husband left her to "find himself." He moved into a different apartment. She was heartbroken by it, did all this stuff, lost weight, got her hair colored, got new sexier clothes, all that. A little later it came out that ummmm there was a new, younger woman friend in his life, and everyone knew it but her! Let's just say that the "amicable" separation turned into a legal matter really quick at that point...

Jay

I'm so sorry for the pain you are feeling. Hang in there :hug:

We are here when you need us.

Thank you for all of your support ladies. I keep reading your posts over and over and they make me feel better. I miss him so much, but I know that I can't go back. I just wish this pain would end. I don't want to feel this way. I want to be happy and find love again. Is that even possible? Can you find love twice in a lifetime? Should I start looking now and try to get over this with someone new? Or should I wait? I dont know what to do to start to heal.

Sweetie, that pain is going to go away, but you have to make up your mind that you are going to take care of yourself. You will find love again and you will be very happy once you realize that this guy is a total loser. You can find love and sometimes when you least expect it you will find a wonderful man who will adore you. Looking for someone right now is a HUGE mistake. You would be trying to replace your ex and you gotta focus on more than that. As someone in an earlier post indicated, start a journal, write as much as possible, and then toss it or put it away. Also, like I said, if you are feeling very very blue, go find a counselor. You will get unbiased advising and this person will be the best listener you will ever have. I know, I have been to one. Besides this, get busy. What are you interested in doing? Learn something new, join a club, start going to church, join a gym, take up a hobby, get a new pet, start painting (as in art), scrub the heck out of your house etc. Keep as busy as possible because sitting around thinking about the ex-boy will just depress you and make you want to go back. You can live your life without him! You don't need him so that you can be a complete person.

He want's us to stay best friends. It makes me feel better that he won't be gone completely. But is it a good idea???


No, nein, nicht, uh-uh. Best friends for what? So that he can tell you all about his latest escapades with the women he is dating? Honey don't be a masochist. He wants you around so that if he blows it, he can come hauling a** back to you. You don't want sloppy seconds. ( I know that is vulgar, but ya get my point). You are better than that. He dumped you, and now he is just tossing you out this bone to be his best friend. Sheesh!

He has had dinner with one of our waitresses twice since we broke up. What made you say that Jay? Your right, but I am just curious.

Baby doll, you don't EVEN want to be his best friend. He is going out with one of your waitresses? Oh please...sounds like he already had this planned. If he was your fiancee and things just didn't work out, he would not be dating so quickly. Junior would have been waiting for awhile and not get someone for the rebound. When people split up and they kind of still love each other they don't go out and find someone to date unless it is out of spite or because they had someone in mind. People don't just shut feelings off just like that and find someone else with whom to get invloved. Did you feel like dating once he left you?

Hang in there. I know this is a difficult time for you.:hug::hug::hug:

Girls, you have made me feel so much better, stonger. Thank you for your support. It means the world to me. This hurts so much, but I know it's for the best. I can't make him someone he can't be and I won't even try. It just hurts to have been dumped after giving everything I had to the relationship and the business. And to be replaced so quickly? I feel so used, like I never meant anything to him. What makes her better than me? Is it because she's thinner than I am? I keep wondering that.

What makes her better than me? Is it because she's thinner than I am? I keep wondering that.

Nope. Just different, or just new. If you feel like crap about yourself (and he must, even if he hides it, even from himself), you need to keep moving on to some new external thing to distract yourself.

I'm so sorry to hear you are suffering, but I think in the long run he did you a big favor. I agree with those who said men usually leave for another woman. I've been with my husband for 35 years, but I know for sure if he left I would not be quick to rush out and look for another one. Just concentrate on yourself, you are so worth it, won't it be nice to not have to compromise with somebody who doesn't deserve you? I can tell from what you have written that you are a strong woman, you're going to be just fine.

Girls, you have made me feel so much better, stonger. Thank you for your support. It means the world to me. This hurts so much, but I know it's for the best. I can't make him someone he can't be and I won't even try. It just hurts to have been dumped after giving everything I had to the relationship and the business. And to be replaced so quickly? I feel so used, like I never meant anything to him. What makes her better than me? Is it because she's thinner than I am? I keep wondering that.

You had a lot invested in this relationship so it's going to hurt for awhile. She is not better than you. Don't think that for a minute. Just because someone is thinner does not mean that they are better than a person who is larger. Not at all. Unfortunately, we live in a screwy society that places a huge amount of value on body size and as a result we become hard-wired to believe that if we are big, we are worthless, ugly, and do not deserve to be loved. At this point, don't try to hold yourself up to that woman because your ex decided to be involved with her. Don't empower him in this manner. He screwed up by leaving you. You are too good for him.

Your ex's new love interest cannot be better than you. How can she? She is going out with her boss who just dumped his fiance who is also her boss. That doesn't speak much to how much she respects people or her supervisors. As far as this goes, they deserve each other. You are too good for him.

Start loving yourself. There is nothing wrong for looking out for yourself. You are a kind and giving person, so turn all of that energy towards yourself. Dress yourself up, put on some nice make-up and look your best. This will make you start to feel better.:):hug:

Thanks girls! I'm feeling better already. Going to meet a friend to watch him bowl tonight then going to sing some karaoke! I do a mean Cher!!!!

UGH! Guys can be such a**holes! :hug:

I know exactly what you are going through, because I spent most of my 20s with someone just like him. I did love him SO much, and I think part of that was because I could never quite make him what I needed. There's something to that whole idea of "hard to get". When it's just out of reach, it makes you insane trying to grasp it and keep it. And of course they always come back begging whenever you finally start to move on and are able to finally sleep in your own bed!! :(

Trust me when I tell you, you should do your best to make a clean break now, because this could literally go on for years and years (him coming and going and severely breaking your heart every time), and the next thing you know you'll feel like you wasted your whole youth on something that really wasn't worth it. :doh:

I agree with the other ladies that it's best to focus on YOURSELF right now, really take care of yourself!!! But if I were you, I wouldn't turn down any dates from nice guys who ask!! There's no cure for an old love like a new love! ;) If nothing else, it'll be good for your self-esteem if you get some interest from others!!!

There's always someone else out there for you, girlfriend! If he was your one true love, it wouldn't be so friggin' hard to be with him!! Please trust me! :hug:

Is it because she's thinner than I am? I keep wondering that.

Our fat always makes us feel so vulnerable. Like we aren't good enough, when in reality we are. This would have happened even if you were thin. It's hard to accept but this is about him, not you. You are a rock star (I am listening to pink), him...not so much!

You are a rock star (I am listening to pink), him...not so much!


It's so funny you said that. I made that song my new ring tone! Im feeling much stronger girls. Thank you for everything!

Three weeks is very little time to get through a grieving like this... think of it this way - a relationship has died, one that was very important to you.

Work on becoming your own best friend. Take care of yourself and the grief that you have. Do not go out and immediately connect with another man, because before you can have a healthy relationship with someone new, you must first be sure you have recovered from the breakup.

Find ways to be loving to yourself. As you are ready, get out and do things just for you.

Another loving relationship will one day form, but if you force it, it might be even more destructive than the relationship you just left.

Today was the first day that I didn't want to cry. I am healing quickly. I hope that's a good thing. I just don't want to be sad and miserable. No man is worth your happiness. EVER!!! I'm going to make my life what I want it to be and use this experience to learn more about who I am and what I want from life. The right guy will come along. And if not? It will be fun looking for him!

Yippee! Good for you!

Today was the first day that I didn't want to cry. I am healing quickly. I hope that's a good thing. I just don't want to be sad and miserable. No man is worth your happiness. EVER!!! I'm going to make my life what I want it to be and use this experience to learn more about who I am and what I want from life. The right guy will come along. And if not? It will be fun looking for him!

I am so glad that you are doing better! It is a great thing that you are feeling better!!! You totally deserve this.:):carrot::hug: