100 lb. Club - Need you my friends/The noose around my neck

Hi my wonderful friends :)
I've been around but not posting very much...prepare yourselves for a long update, and a little self mortality fear!

Those of you who know me, know that my Mama has been diagnosed with lung cancer. There's very good news in this department. First off, we found out that my Mom's cancer is at a much earlier stage than originally feared. She is a stage 1b- it is very rare to have lung cancer discovered at this early stage, so we feel very blessed! It gives her a much better chance of living much longer than previously thought, and even the small (25-50%) chance of a cure :)
So, Mom had 20 radiation treatments during September. She did quite well, but was very fatigued, and had some relatively severe pain in her esophagus, which caused her to have to eat only white, mushy, awful food for a few weeks.
I'm happy to say that she is now feeling INCREDIBLY well, very happy, AND eating normal, yummy food again! She's on her way to gaining back the 4 pounds she lost during radiation. We are ELATED...and loving the heck out of eachother...much to be grateful for this Thanksgiving ;)
She will have a scan in November to determine how much A*S*S* kicking the radiation did...praying for great news.

HOWEVER, we just got some insane news yesterday. My Mom's sister Aggie, has been very supportive through this cancer journey. She's gone to some Dr. Appts with Mom, and has come and stayed with her for days on end, several times :) Aggie has also not been feeling well for quite some time. She had a chest CT recently and got the results yesterday. I'm very sad to say that she ALSO has lung cancer. It looks like she has had it longer than Mom (how horribly ironic). Unlike Mom, it looks like it may already be in her lymph nodes, and possibly already metastasized as well :cry:
She is not taking the news well, after watching Mom go through this thing. She will be here this weekend for Thanksgiving, and I will love and support her...it's just so...SAD. I'm worried about my Mom's entire side of the family, and how they're all going to deal with this crazy twist of fate.

This all brings me to the very selfish part of my post. I am scared for my family, and mostly for my Mama...but hearing this yesterday has also made me terrified for my SELF, and my own little family!
I am morbidly obese, I STILL smoke (the shame I feel makes it almost unbearable to say that!). Mom, and now my Aunt BOTH have lung cancer. My Dad died at 44 of a massive, instant death, first time heart attack. My other Aunt had diabetes all her life, and died of pancreatic cancer. My uncle died of prostate cancer....the list just goes on.

I feel like I've got a noose around my neck, or I'm being strapped into the electric chair. I know, I KNOW that if I don't DRASTICALLY change almost every aspect of my life..I am doomed....and for the life of me, I do not know HOW I'm going to find the strength to make ALL the changes I need to.
I am a fountain of strength, for everyone and anyone....except myself...why the **** is that??? :lol:

I'm so sorry for the BOOK! But, that's my update!
I love you guys SO much
:hug:
Linda

I don't normally post here but after reading this I had to.

First off a big :hug: for you. I lost my father to cancer a year ago tomorrow and if I can give you one word of advice please have them check her brain. My dads cancer started in the lungs and after loads of chemo and radiation he was free and someone asked my mom if they checked his brain as thats usually the first place it will spread. Well they never checked it and by the time they did (august 07) my dad had stage 4 brain cancer and was given 4-6 weeks to live and he passed on October 11, 2007.

I didn't tell you this to scare you I tell you this as someone who has been through it and wish someone would have given us that lil clue a bit early. May God give you and your family strength.

Enjoy your Thanksgiving and your family soak it all in and may you all live to see many many more Thanksgivings together.

:hug:

Linda....this may be the kick in the rear you need to get totally motivated.

My kick was when the Dr told me I would most likely want to consider lap band surgery. Ummm, I don't think so. When my husband had his car accident and was in ICU, 1/2 the people in there were having complications from gastro surgery. That and the picture of me my DIL posted with my grandbaby. Ummm, I dont really look like that...uhh, ya I did.

Do not think of this as a life sentence, think of it as a Life Saver. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off. Reflect on what you have been doing wrong and fix it. Get up off the couch and move move move.

:hug:

I am so sorry about your aunt and your mom. They will be in my prayers.

Linda,
So sorry to hear about your mom and your aunt. It must be a very difficult time for your family indeed.
I don't really know what to say to help, except that you can do this.
You have already started your weight loss journey and with every day you have to opportunity to make new healthy choices.
I don't know if this will help.....but something that has helped me is to change my thought process around weight loss. I used to look at getting healthy as if it were some sort of punishment that I had to impose on myself for having been "bad" and gaining weight.
Now I look at it like a positive choice. Today I choose to exercise and eat healthy because I love myself. I want all that life has to offer and I won't be able to have a full, happy and healthy life if I were to make different choices.
What a great start you are making by being open and honest about your fears and that you still smoke. Try not to beat yourself up and look at this from such a dire stand point. You know what you need to do. Make a decision to do it. Slowly.....gradually....be gentle with yourself. Tell yourself often that you really do deserve to put yourself and your health first even if it feels awkward or uncomfortable.
Don't quit before the miracle happens!!!!
Take care & enjoy your thanksgiving with your family.
Tammy

Linda - :hug:

Use this as a powerful reminder of how important it is to take care of your health. Tragedy is always sad. But it can sometimes bring about positive changes, too.

Lots of good thoughts being sent up for your family

Linda,

For years, I made excuses for smoking and for being overweight. I kept waiting for the perfect time to become committed and take control of my health and my life. Like you, everyone else took first priority. I was strong and encouraging for them in ways that I could never be for myself. Honestly, there is no perfect time. This will never be easy. There will always be something going on in our lives that can be used as an excuse. Stop making excuses for yourself and just do it. It really is that simple. You just wake up each day and do it and never give up no matter how long it takes you to get it right. One step at a time. A trite statement, but oh so true.

Sending prayers your way.

Oh gosh... what a hard hard time for you. I'm sending you all the strength vibes I have to get you motivated to get yourself through this.

I can only imagine how rough this must feel - in every area. I just wanted to share one thing. You don't have to change everything about you - today. You just need to take one step in the right direction. This is what I learned: from whereever you are, the correct thing to do is always take one step. That is all that is required of you. You will be able to do this, one step at a time. Speaking as one who was *supposed to* die 9 times that I know of. You just reminded me what I needed to blog about today! Thanks, and be well. You can do this. One step at a time.

You know, it's a very strange place I'm in right now! :yes:

The post above is a snippet, a moment of panic.
Those of you who know me, know that I am a positive person. I have learned so much through this cancer journey. I love more deeply, and I appreciate every moment. I am the kind of person who wears my heart on my sleeve, therefore, I make posts sometimes...that come from the feelings I'm having at that moment. Today, they happened to be panicky, and and worried about my future-y :lol:

Most of you who replied, don't know me very well yet (aside from Mandalinn and Rhonda :)) But I really am a strong and positive person most of the time.
I hope that you new people didn't read this and think that I am weak, or dramatic...because this is really not about me (the cancer stuff). HOWEVER, it is about the feelings that it has brought up in me.
I know there are friends here who have been wondering what is going on with me, and I wanted to let you know :)

Thanks so much for your love and advice
xoxo :hug:
Linda

Oh my, you are going through so much. I bet you're fabulous with your friends - so try imagining how you would talk to and treat and help out a friend in your place - and do that for yourself and ask for some of that help from your friends. Think how you would feel if your friend was going through this and didn't want to trouble you. :hug:

For your health, try just picking one new habit each week, something you know you can do. Like adding some veggies, or a better breakfast, or a walk, or going to bed on time. You'll start to feel better about yourself, and then it will be easier to try other things, without going all drill-sergeant on yourself.

You find the strength one small change at a time.

I'm so sorry for your family's health troubles, and I sincerely hope your mama and your aunt are going to be okay. :hug:

I'm pretty new here, but reading your post I absolutely did not feel you sounded weak or dramatic or any of that. You sound like a lovely person who is concerned for the loved ones in your life and your own desire to change for the better. NOTHING weak about that!!!! ;)

I do have some of the same personal struggles, and I know I'm just trying to get through it all one thing and one day at a time. I am trying to approach my lifestyle changes as what I would want for my daughter (because, like you, I seem to have a really hard time taking care of me!). I've decided it's really time to love myself (almost) as much as I love my little girl. I know I can be a better mother, lover, sister, daughter, friend if I'm at my best. But best of all, I can be all those things to me! :D

Believe it or not, I found your post inspirational and motivational!!! ;)

:hug:
You know we are here for you anytime.

My Mom died of lung cancer, she stopped the minute she found out but I did have a great 5 years with her, you need to stop smoking, do it for her!!! Not for yourself, my self nor my son would ever think of smoking, due to what my mom went thru... do it for her:)

Hey- I've missed you!!!! SO GLAD YOU are back (although I'm very sorry to hear of all your troubles...) join us at the accountability thread! Miss you lots. I have been thinking about you and wondering where you've been and how you are.

Ginger

{{{Linda}}} I am so sorry you are going through this. How awful for your mom and Aunt. I am glad you are there for them. And yes I agree you need to be there for yourself too. I am sending you positive thoughts and prayers for the strength and courage to make the changes you need to in your life. Wishing you peace.

I am so sorry that you are going through such a difficult time. As JulieJ08 advised, try to give up a habit every week or every few weeks. Then you will not feel so overwhelmed. :hug: Take care.

I am so, so sorry to hear about your aunt...after all you and your family have been thru with your mom. I am glad to hear your mom has made some progress.

I truly understand how you are in a frantic panic mode thinking about your own health. Try to do what you can to move forward in seeking good health for yourself. Take baby step or huge leaps...whatever fits.

Sending you hugs, friend.

:hug: and more :hug: Sending prayers to you and your family! :hug::hug::hug:

Stop smoking! This is not negotiable, you must stop, with your family history. you must not smoke.
I, like your mom and aunt have cancer, I had breast cancer which has metasticized and is now in my bones. This was one heckuva shock when I learned this, but I am much calmer about this than my family and friends who are crying and wringing their hands, the best thing you can do for your mom and aunt is to take charge of your own health. Love them, pray for them and stop smoking.

Linda, I know that you are in general a very positive person, but I want you to not let go of the feelings that prompted this post. Not yet. We don't have to be positive and strong for other people ALL the time. Feeling scared about yourself is NORMAL. It is FINE and it is NECESSARY. Use that fear, cling to it, funnel it to kick the smoking. If you have to picture your kids motherless to NOT buy the cigarettes or to throw them away, do it. It is that important. Be tough about this. Smoking is an addiction and there are medicines that can help, but just like with food and each bite, each cigarette is a choice. Your kids deserve better. YOU deserve better. Wanting to live is not selfish!!!!

I'm sorry if this is harsh, but I truly think you have reached a fork in the road right now. You have motivation and reasons to quit that are powerful. Use them.

:hug:

Hi Linda,

I'm glad to hear about you're mom's improvements, and so very sorry to hear about your aunt. As for feeling like you have a noose about your neck, I can relate. My weight loss journey began in earnest when, several years after I had been diagnosed as pre-diabetic, I realized that diabetes is not inevitable. I realized that I have 50 or 60 years left on this planet, and they can be good, healthy, happy years, or they can be a long slow slide into illness and disability. I realized that the choice was mine, but if I wanted the healthy, happy years, I had dam* well better take action that would get me that result.

The good news is, genetics isn't destiny. We can be prone toward something, but our actions will reduce the odds of it happening. (I'm prone to tripping - yes, really. Not wearing heels really helps with that.) Unfortunately, it's not simply deciding to take action that fixes things, but living by those decisions, which is not always easy. But it helps me to keep in mind what my ultimate goal is. And when I find myself developing a habit or starting a trend of action that will interfere with it, it helps to compare that habit against the next fifty years, and figure out which I want more.

Good luck to you and your family. Please keep us posted, not just on the progress of your mom and aunt, but on you as well.

Lisa

I am so sorry to hear that your Aunt now has lung cancer too. :hug: It seems so unfair that you mom is getting better only to get such grave news about your Aunt. Linda, all you can really do is just be there. This will be a very hard time for your mom and family. If it's as bad as you say, she may not have much time. We lost Dad in 4 months. What got him was when it spread to his brain.

I know you think you are awful for still smoking, but I am not judging. I am still eating and I shouldn't be. When it's your time, you will find the strength to quit.

Thanks for updating.

Love ya babe!!
Sandi :)

I am so sorry about your family. I understand why you would be worried about yourself. I am a respiratory therapist, so this is coming from that point of view. I see that you are doing something about your weight, which is very hard as we all know. i just hope you can find the strength to focus on trying to quit smoking. although both obesity and smoking have health risks....i would say quiting smoking should be your high priority. no matter if you are 130lbs, eat right all the time and exercise daily.....you could never be healthy if you smoke. i wish you all the luck in the world. both of these addictions are so very hard to deal with.

I'm so sorry to hear about your Mom and Aunt, they are in my prayers. If I were in your situation, the first thing I would do is get to the doctor, get some pills or patches or whatever help they have to help you quit smoking and do that first. It's a lot to worry about at one time, and maybe trying to lose at the same time is too much. Best of luck to you, we're all behind you!

Linda - I am so sorry to hear about your Aunt! I am however glad to hear that your mom is doing better. Now is definitely the time to be concerned about your own health, you need to get focused on it. Forget weight loss, this is about your future, and for your family's future. If you ever need anything, let me know :)

-Aimee

Love, Love, LOVE you guys :) :grouphug:

Happy Thanksgiving!
:thanks1::turkey:

:hug:
Linda

Linda,

I too am sending thoughts and prayers. Perhaps your mothers and aunts gifts to you will be your own improved health. Use this crisis. If you need to frame it for others, remember how much you are needed, and how much health and physical strength you will need to get through it. Think of what you are going through...and whether you would choose for your children to experience it.

It is not weak to express fear or sorrow, it is strong. The weak are afraid to expose themselves to others, or even to themselves.

Pandora

I think when you are busy caring for others whether that be family or friends you can tend to put yourself at the bottom of the pile. I know I did with being a nurse and caring for a Dad with health which was starting to fail.

Like others have said try and make this a positive by starting working towards a healthier new you. It is not wrong to put yourself first especially where your health is concerned so never feel guilty for doing that.

I am so glad you took the time to update us on how Mom is doing. I think my Mom was diagnosed with two types of cancer at about the same time. After surgery to remove one cancer, she suffered two strokes and two heart attacks, had pneumonia (for what seemed like forever) and sepsis as well. Mom is alive. She is in a nursing home and they are working on rehabilitating her. I would like to stay she is out of the woods but I think it is more like she is in a clearing and holding her own. I spent the summer with my frail and failing Dad. I totally agree with you that I have a much bigger heart as a result of being there with them physically.

As you have mentioned about your family members, there are others to be concerned about. I too worry about my Dad's eating at fast foods to both save money and not have to eat alone even though he has a cholesterol problem and my sister was diagnosed last year with the early stages of COPD. She too is a heavy smoker. I neglected my food plan and now I am having some minor chest pains again after so long of not. My B/P was up the whole time I was there. Add bad food, stress and just not taking care of myself too. I hear you loud and clear on that one.

I understand your fears. I echo them.

Be here when you can. We will pray for you and your wonderful family. God bless, we are with you in spirit.:hug::hug:

I know there are friends here who have been wondering what is going on with me, and I wanted to let you know :)I had been wondering. I'm so glad for your mom! Sorry to hear about your sister, all she can do is fight!

I say this in love & w/o having read any posts below the one I just quoted. You have to get yourself checked out NOW, so they have a baseline to go off. I used to work for American Cancer Society. There is no cure, there is only prevention & early detection. So getting checked out now would be a very good thing.

Also, quitting smoking is HARD. Trying to do it while dieting would be EVEN HARDER. But I think the two go hand in hand due to the healthy lifestyle we are all seeking. I know you can do both! You are an amazing woman. Please don't forget all you have gone through & managed to survive & thrive! :hug:

I'm sorry to hear that. I wish the best for you and your family. Just don't give up. Don't let anyone tell you-you can't do it....not even yourself. You can make it through obstacles no matter how hard they are. God is great and prayer is good. You and your fam will be in my prayers.