20-Somethings - Your thoughts please!!/rant about wedding




M a g g i e
10-05-2008, 08:38 PM
Okay, so I've already dropped this issue and am not saying anything to anyone about it but i just want to know how other people view this. Anyways...

My brother is getting married (Saturday!!! eek!) and I am a bridesmaid. There are 3 of us- her sister, my sister, and me. There are 3 groomsmen as well. Her sister has a steady boyfriend and 2 of the 3 groomsmen are married. Well, I saw the guest list the other month ago (this was awhile ago haha) and the other groomsmen is listed as So-and-so and guest while my sister and I are listed without guests. Personally, I am kind of offended. Yeah, i didn't have a boyfriend 2 years ago when this was being planned, but as a 20 year old woman I think I should have been allowed to have a guest come with me. (plus my sister is 23, and the groomsman is 25 so not that big of a difference. why him and not us? he's single too)

I really just want an opinion on whether or not the bridesmaid/sister of the groom should be allowed to bring a guest, but now for a little venting...i did not even receive an invitation to the wedding. one was sent to my parents but did not list "and family" plus i don't live with my parents. i live in another state at school. the bride will not talk to me. she communicates with my mother (because you know i'm 12:dizzy:) and my mom doesn't realize this so she doesn't "pass it on." the bride picked out really expensive bridesmaids dresses and we had to pay for our own (again, i'm in college) the dresses are brown so i had to buy brown shoes. in addition i had to buy 2 shower gifts, wedding gift, gas for 5 hour trip each way to get to the second shower and the actual wedding, make-up, hair (WE are paying to get our hair done at HER salon of choice), outfit for the rehearsal, and all the other little things. I only have 1 brother so you know I'm not upset about paying for some things, it just kind of puts me over the edge that I'm not allowed to bring a guest. I'm spending close to $1,000 so yeah, it kind of pisses me off (but she's buying our jewelry and purse because that will SOO help...not!) and then being selfish, i also know that my brother has made sure his groomsmen are not spending a lot of money so the fact that the single one gets to bring a date and is spending less just kind of burns the sizzle.

I love my brother but i'm sooooo effin' stressed and tired and trying to get everything done so I'll "be a good bridesmaid" and be a good student because hello I'm still in college!!!! why do i have to tests sandwiching the wedding?!?!

and yeah, i know it's pathetic that i'm upset about not having a guest invited even though i had already decided it'd be too stressful to have a date that night but whatever!!!

oo and while i have your attention... the bride is getting our jewlery and i don't know what she is getting, but i only have one "real" piece of jewlry that my parents gave me for my 18th birthday which means a lot to me. i would rather wear that necklace but would that be rude if i wore mine instead of one she gives me? or is that okay?


raw23
10-05-2008, 08:45 PM
Try to give her the benefit of the doubt... She may not be aware of all the proper wedding etiquette. You only have a wedding once and it's a lot to learn. Just ask her if you can bring a date, it's probably just slipped her mind.

M a g g i e
10-05-2008, 08:50 PM
actually, i tried to casually ask my brother whether or not i was allowed to bring a guest (acting as if i hadn't seen the list) and he was like "welllll no. i mean it's not like you have a boyfriend"

and then i asked later (like a couple of months later like maybe in july of this year) and i was told no again and my brother acted really surprised that i wanted to bring a guest.

I guess that's what really hurt my feelings and I decided to drop it then.


junebug41
10-05-2008, 08:52 PM
Wow! She's giving you a run for your money, isn't she??

In my opinion (and as someone who got married in August at a place where people had to travel to), I think you should DEFINITELY be allowed to bring a date. Now, it is the couple's choice on whether they want to allow their guests to bring dates (it can get very pricey), but you are different. You are a) a sister and b) a BRIDESMAID. I think you deserve special consideration even if they didn't allow dates.

On the dress: Techinically, she can pick whatever she wants, but I do think it was selfish of her not to consider what her maids could afford. Very selfish.
I had 2 maids and one maid of honor (all dear friends) and two of them are just starting out post-college and are totally broke. Knowing that one of them would have to travel a great distance, I bought her dress. I certainly didn't have to, but I knew her situation and knew I wanted her to be a bridesmaid, so I did it. Also, I was very conscientous of the costs to all 3 considering what they were putting up just to come.

Also, it sounds like it's time for her to grow up. It's weird when you are the new member of a family (especially if your family is tight-knit- that might intimidate her), but she has to get over that. I had to communicate with DH's sister over some wedding stuff and I actually didn't call her until the week of, but we were always communicating via email, facebook, myspace, etc...

I'm getting the impression it may be a hard fall when the wedding is over and it's not about her anymore ;)

Chele615
10-05-2008, 08:53 PM
If the bride is buying jewelry for the bridesmaids, it's usually so that the jewelry matches....so I wouldn't wear the other jewelry you would rather wear, especially during the official pictures. Sometimes being a bridesmaid is a ton of fun...most times, it's not. LOL It really is an honor to know that the bride and groom want you to be a part of their day, but most times it's more hassle than it's worth.

I would just go, have fun, and try to put all the resentment behind you. It's not going to be worth it in the end because she's going to be family now. Do the whole "grin and bear it" thing if need be.

junebug41
10-05-2008, 08:56 PM
If the bride is buying jewelry for the bridesmaids, it's usually so that the jewelry matches....so I wouldn't wear the other jewelry you would rather wear, especially during the official pictures. Sometimes being a bridesmaid is a ton of fun...most times, it's not. LOL It really is an honor to know that the bride and groom want you to be a part of their day, but most times it's more hassle than it's worth.

I would just go, have fun, and try to put all the resentment behind you. It's not going to be worth it in the end because she's going to be family now. Do the whole "grin and bear it" thing if need be.

I forgot to mention this as well :) As you mentioned in your original post, you just needed to vent, but I just wanted to assure you that you will have a good time once the ball drops :)

raw23
10-05-2008, 08:59 PM
actually, i tried to casually ask my brother whether or not i was allowed to bring a guest (acting as if i hadn't seen the list) and he was like "welllll no. i mean it's not like you have a boyfriend"

and then i asked later (like a couple of months later like maybe in july of this year) and i was told no again and my brother acted really surprised that i wanted to bring a guest.

Holy... crap...! I wouldn't be as worried about the wedding as much as the rest of your life with her as your sister-in-law!!!
Geez, sorry girl. I don't know what to tell you. This just sounds like one of those difficult people we all have to deal with. :hug: Bummer. :(

yesitsmeagain
10-05-2008, 08:59 PM
My thoughts, as someone who's getting married next summer and who reads a LOT of wedding communities:
1. If the groomsman is allowed a guest and he is single, you should also be allowed a guest.
2. Wear the jewelry the bride picks out.
3. It's common for teenage/college age bridesmaids (especially sisters) to have all their stuff paid for by their parents or their sister. I think it's unfair you have to spend that much since you're in college.
4. You do not have to get your hair and makeup done professionally. If the bride/your parents want to pay, they can but it is not an obligation.

Yes I'm a little wedding etiquette obsessed :p

bargoo
10-05-2008, 09:01 PM
It is traditional for the bride to buy her attendants a gift of jewelry, to be worn at the wedding, so the outfits are all coordinated, if you think you are stressed out imagine what the bride must be!Try and have fun.

M a g g i e
10-05-2008, 09:15 PM
yeah, i'm definitely focusing on how fun the reception will be and my brothers friends are really awesome people so it will be a good time. and I'm focusing on that.

junebug- i totally agree with you about the attention not being on her after the wedding. they have been dating since high school so for like 8 years she's been a part of our family and still been treated as a guest-- ie, not cleaning up after her very hairy dog (although that's my brother too) not helping clean up meals or anything for that matter, etc. it will be VERY interesting to see how things go after the honeymoon. the dress was frustrating because she would only go to this one bridal shop in the the city because all the other ones nearby were suggested be the wife of the best man whom she hates so she didn't go there in spite of her....who couldn't care less. so we paid for her ego. it would have been nice for her to realize that my sister and i are college students and swimming in debt. (or maybe you were just too nice haha!)

chele- lol being a bridesmaid is not at all how i thought it would be! that's what i thought about the jewelry. i'm worried because we have VERY different styles. like for christmas she got me a red crocodile skin purse. loved the red, hated the fake animal skin stuff. for my birthday she got me a cute but clingy sweater dress. oh yeah, give the chunky girl a clingy dress. she's very materialistic about brand name and diamonds and stuff that's basically my opposite. my worst nightmare (right now) is that the jewelry will be some gaudy big things and a crocodile skin purse that i will use not even once and be done with.

also, i have to be honest. i don't think this is true love. i think it will end in divorce so i'm starting to get worn down with everyone asking me about how happy i am and then acting like "oh we're so happy for them and that she'll be part of our family" and so on. on top of it, i feel like her servant so it just doesn't help. oh, did i mention she likes to tell me that i'm going to die alone. yup, she's a keeper. (that's also why it really hurt to hear my brother think it was totally acceptable not to invite me and a guest) oh well, it really isn't a big deal! i just have to keep telling myself that and look to the good parts. thanks for the support and chuckles!

M a g g i e
10-05-2008, 09:19 PM
My thoughts, as someone who's getting married next summer and who reads a LOT of wedding communities:
1. If the groomsman is allowed a guest and he is single, you should also be allowed a guest.
2. Wear the jewelry the bride picks out.
3. It's common for teenage/college age bridesmaids (especially sisters) to have all their stuff paid for by their parents or their sister. I think it's unfair you have to spend that much since you're in college.
4. You do not have to get your hair and makeup done professionally. If the bride/your parents want to pay, they can but it is not an obligation.

Yes I'm a little wedding etiquette obsessed :p

haha! i probably would be too! thanks for the input! that's kind of what i was thinking. my mom seriously thinks that the bride is paying for our hair but i'm pretty sure that when i talked to her she said that she was getting our jewelry and purse and that was it. she told us how much getting our hair done would be but i'm pretty sure she said we would have to pay for our own.

interesting sidenote-- they were expecting a minimum of 200 people and the guest list is currently at 130 which is a lot lower than they thought... well, i think it's interesting at least

huggamouse
10-05-2008, 09:47 PM
If I were you I'd give them an ultimatum. The wedding's on the weekend, and it's a little late, but you need to tell both bridezilla and your brother what they are doing to you. Tell them you understand it's their day, but that doesn't mean they can trample you. I'm supposing you're not that close to your brother? You could also (i know this sounds childish) tell your mom, since they obviously don't see you as a young adult, and perhaps she can, instead of relaying the information, tell bridezilla to tell you information herself. You're a big girl! You can take care of yourself, do it. Don't let her put her pumps all over you.

ANyhow, you have rights too, and if that means a bit of silent protest, go for it. Personally, I'd leave her and her brother's mess right where it belongs. If she's going to be a part of the family, she needs to act like it.



But I'm being really mean. Ignore her and have fun at the reception, do only what you need to as a bridesmaid, and then pay attention to yourself.

ladybugnessa
10-05-2008, 09:52 PM
is the groomsman dating someone seriously?

maybe i'm old fashioned by my understanding of old lady wedding etiquette (and I realize you youngsters do it differently now) is that the only guests CAN properly be spouses or fiance(e)s. casual dates at a wedding is not appropriate.

Quiet Ballerina
10-05-2008, 09:53 PM
Maybe if you don't like the jewelry or purse you can sell it on ebay?

(is that rude? lol)

huggamouse
10-05-2008, 09:59 PM
ballerina- I think that's an awesome idea, you can always say 'Oh! I seem to have lost it. Oh well.' The same with the dress and shoes, though the market for them is probably tiny.

PhotoChick
10-05-2008, 10:04 PM
maybe i'm old fashioned by my understanding of old lady wedding etiquette (and I realize you youngsters do it differently now) is that the only guests CAN properly be spouses or fiance(e)s. casual dates at a wedding is not appropriate.Yup.

I collect etiquette books. I'm also pretty heavily involved in the wedding industry, so I'm pretty au fait on wedding etiquette - both traditional and modern.

The thing is - I can totally understand that you're frustrated and stressed. But ... from what I've read in your post, other than not sending you an invite and not communicating with you directly, the bride has done nothing wrong.

It's appropriate for the bride and groom to decide where they're going to draw the line at invites. Weddings are expensive and the bride and groom have to have some kind of guideline as to who they're going to spend money on. At some point they have to say "this is a line" ... and the rules of etiquette do say that drawing the line at "casual dates" is appropriate. If you had a steady boyfriend or fiance and they wouldn't invite him, I'd say they were out of line. But quite honestly I don't think they should be obligated to allow you to bring a stranger to them to their wedding just because.

As far as the expense, that is simply one of the things that you have to take into consideration when being asked to be a bridesmaid and, if you think it will be a burden, you can refuse. But once you've committed, you really can't complain about the money you're spending unless it's totally unreasonable.

And unfortunately it's just a fact that the men will spend less on a wedding than the women. One of the benefits of being a guy. ;)

I AM sorry that you're having stress about this. Weddings are stressful all the way around. But I think you should move past this, go to the wedding with a great attitude and have a wonderful time. You never know who you might meet who is also there w/out a date. I know a LOT of couples who have met at weddings ... you never ever know. :)

.

SwimGirl
10-05-2008, 10:12 PM
Wow! This is a tough one! Because it's her day, I'd personally suck it up.. because lets say you fast forward 10 years and they are still together and you actually like her, and what she remembers of you on her wedding day is how you are resentful of the stuff you are having to deal with. Can you talk to your brother? I've very vocal with my brother on the subject of his girlfriends.

Tell them you can't afford to get your hair done, and that you'll do it yourself. Definitely stick up for yourself on this one!! No point in going into more debt for someone to do your hair. Just my opinion.

As for the outsider thing, I am totally the outsider in my bf's family. We've been together for almost 9 years, and I don't do dishes when we go to their house, I don't help clean up. I also don't feel entirely comfortable with them, and so my boyfriend compensates for this. I sure hope they aren't feeling this way about me.. although I do get the silent treatment from a few of his cousins. Anyways, I guess from my point of view? I am a guest in their house, and I do everything for them when they come to my house.. it's not like I'm trying to be rude, although I guess they could take it that way. It's really hard to work your way into a family, especially if you are shy.. which I definitely am.

Good luck at the wedding!

-Aimee

yesitsmeagain
10-05-2008, 10:25 PM
is the groomsman dating someone seriously?

maybe i'm old fashioned by my understanding of old lady wedding etiquette (and I realize you youngsters do it differently now) is that the only guests CAN properly be spouses or fiance(e)s. casual dates at a wedding is not appropriate.

It's an "all or nothing" rule. Either every single person who is unattached/dating casually can bring a date, or none of them can. Of course people in long term relationships/engaged/married must have their SO invited. My guest list isn't stretched to capacity so everyone gets a date at my wedding :cool:

staja
10-05-2008, 10:28 PM
First of all, *HUGS*

My sister got married 2 weeks ago, and I understand where you are coming from 100%! My other sister and I were not allowed to bring dates to the wedding, either, and it caused nothing but arguments between all of us involved. (Same situation, even, with both of us being bridesmaids, as well)

In the end, my older sister brought a guest, I did not, the ceremony and reception were fine - I hung out with my cousins, and my now-married sister, in a fit of sympathy, invited my best friend (and her boyfriend!) so I would have someone not related to me to hang out with.

We did luck out, because we did not have to buy matching dresses or shoes, so I could go wherever I wanted for my outfit - Thank you TJ Maxx!

Just remember, it will be over soon. It will be over soon! It will be over soon! And then you'll just remember how lovely it all was, after. (at least that's how it was with my sister's wedding!)

reddahlia
10-05-2008, 10:31 PM
She tells you you're going to die alone?!?! If someone talked to my family like that, it would be instant breakup. My fiancee is so good to my family, and that is part of why I love him so much. That's actually kind of a big deal to me, that she's disrespectful to you. And if she's been in the family for 8 years, she should be helping with cleaning, understanding of your needs etc..

I'm planning a wedding right now, and I'll tell you it is hard to keep everything straight. It's a lot of organizing, and though it's really a lot of fun, there's stress too. Money, wondering who you can count on with important tasks etc.., so I have some sympathy for brides in that situation. People forget it's just a day, and the important thing is the commitment, not the napkins being just the right shade or every outfit being absolutely perfect.

It's weird to me too that she would choose you as a bridesmaid if you're not close with her. Does she not have friends she could ask who would be more willing to put up with her issues? If she's going to include you, to me, she should really include you. That means talking to you, including you in decisions etc..

I don't envy your position, you're kind of in a crappy spot. But, in the end, you want to feel good about yourself and be good to your brother. If this does fall apart you don't want any resentment for bad behavior. So I would suggest that you stand up for yourself when it's stuff you absolutely can't afford or that's out of line. Maybe you could get your hair done, but do your own makeup? But overall I would just be polite and gracious and support your brother. After this wedding, then support your brother and his marriage but I don't think it's out of line to say "you're one of the family, why don't you help clean up this mess." Hopefully after the wedding she will calm it down. If she tells you you're going to die alone again though, just tell her "better than dying a b*tch!":)

zenor77
10-05-2008, 11:36 PM
Ok, first of all, I remember my own wedding well. Please take into consideration that weddings can make normally wonderful people crazy. I didn't see it this way at the time, but I had my share of bridezilla moments. I tried really hard to take everyone's feelings, opinions, and budgets into consideration, but the stress was terrible.

So, cut the girl some slack. You have no idea what has gone on behind closed doors. You brother could be the reason you aren't allowed a guest. As, in, "no honey, she isn't dating anyone, she won't mind." Boys can be clueless like that at times (especially weddings.)

Hey, Photochick, I collect etiquette books too! :) It's true, she doesn't have to allow single guests to bring someone. Maybe the groomsman has a SO that is more significant then you realize?

The only thing she's done wrong, is she should have sent you an invite and she should have kept you in the loop. As far as the expense, well, it's expensive to be in a wedding party (it's always more expensive for the girls), so if you knew it was out of your budget you should've talked to your brother or parents in the beginning or declined being in the wedding party. That's just the nature of weddings.

Also, you should wear the jewelry she gives you. This is their day, not yours and it's traditional for her to buy your jewelry. You don't have to wear it again.

I'll admit from what you've said, she doesn't sound like the nicest gal, but if this is a mistake, it's your brothers to make. Try to be happy for him. Obviously he must love her or he wouldn't be marrying her.

photoRuth
10-05-2008, 11:53 PM
hmmm... as a wedding photographer I've seen my share of BM's stress.

I feel for you and I think it is most telling that she is not having any girlfriends in her wedding- just the sisters. Does she have any girlfriends??? Good luck with her!