20-Somethings - "You're not Fat" (mini rant)




View Full Version : "You're not Fat" (mini rant)


caligirl98
09-22-2008, 05:06 PM
I hear that a lot…more than you would think possible. Which is absolutely RE-DAMN-DICULOUS! I’m just saying, I’m not even 5 feet tall and well over 200 lbs…I mean I know my perception of my size can be off since I think that I’m bigger than every one, but it’s not that off.

I always get “You’re not even that fat.” Not he backhanded complement one, the ‘why are you complaining?’ one. I went over to my friends house on Friday to pick up my food and she and her kids were eating Micky Ds. I’m not a fan, but I have a weakness for French fries and she knows this. She hands me a bag and says she bought me a small fry. I took a couple cause…I hadn’t eaten since lunch and it was 6 and I still had errands to run. And I was joking about how long it would take me to burn that off. And she looks me up and down, “Why are you still trying to lose weight? You lost hella weight when you were sick.” And I was like, “Yeah, but I want to be thick for Valentines day.” And she was like, “You are thick.” I was like, “No, I’m fat, there is a difference.” And she goes, “You are not fat. Why are you trippin?” So she turns to her sister and was like, “is she fat?” and her sister was like, ‘pull your shirt tight’ ( I wear loser shirt to work for ventilation) and then she just shook her head and was like, “You not fat, you’re just short.”

Seriously, ok, I’m not 600 lbs or anything, but I am Fat and its starting to annoy me how many folks contradict me when I say so. I know you’re like, why am I complaining…it’s more of are they just saying this to spare my feelings? I mean, I’m not delusion (regardless of what that shady *** doctor said) I know I need to lose weight. I don’t need people lying to my face all the time. Or acting like I have something physiologically wrong with me because I think I need to lose weight. I prefer honestly. I mean, they don’t have to be “Yeah, you are big as a house.” But more like, “whatever makes you happy, let me stop buying you French fries.”

WOO SAAA!!!! Ok, I had to get that out.


Lovely
09-22-2008, 05:20 PM
Would it have been better had your friend & her family said "Yeah. You could stand to lose some weight."?

This is a tough thing, because everyone's between a rock & a hard place when it comes to people complaining about their weight. If someone says "I'm so fat" it's often seen as a cry for a compliment or at least a "No you're not!". I'm not saying that you say it this way, but that it's often done.

Instead of the way it did go, it could have gone like this:

And she looks me up and down, “Why are you still trying to lose weight? You lost hella weight when you were sick.” And I was like, “Yeah, but I want to be thick for Valentines day.” And she was like, “You are thick.” So I said, "Thank you." And left it at that.

I don't really bring up "being fat" so often, because it's obvious to me... and quite frankly it's obvious to others around me. Whether or not they're going to give me lip-service about "not being fat", I know I am. Just a fact.

staja
09-22-2008, 05:25 PM
“You not fat, you’re just short.”

By the way, this is going to be my new excuse from now on!


Spoz
09-22-2008, 05:29 PM
It really bugs me too. People will say ' You dont need to lose weight' or 'you'll be a stick if you lose weight' and it really bugs me because I'm clearly overweight and people being polite for the sake of it really bugs me. Why cant they something like 'Good for you' when they hear about weight loss attempt?

aino
09-22-2008, 05:30 PM
It's a good thing that you are aware of the need to lose some weight, but maybe it's also a good thing to know that you come across as someone whose seems "above their weight"! Sometimes people only see that we're fat, and not beyond that = and that's pretty hurtful. I do understand what you mean though; on one hand, I get annoyed when people agree too quickly that I am fat, and need to lose weight (and believe me, I've heard some pretty mean stuff!). But then again, I also get annoyed when people do the opposite because then I feel like you do - "hello! are you friggin' blind?"

Like faerie said, it's a tough thing!

ghost
09-22-2008, 05:31 PM
hmmm, tough one chica. I hate it too when people tell me lies lies lies. And to me it wasn't like you were fishing for a compliment. I think your friends just love you and don't want you to be down on yourself. If it means anything to you, I support your weightloss efforts and next time I'm at micky d's I'll remember you but I will NOT buy you any fries. K.

I think my grandma puts it best. Everytime she sees me she says, "you look so good, you lost more weight I can tell. Keep up the good work!" I wish everybody could be so supportive. One guy I know told me not to lose too much weight...um...hello...I"m still a walking talking beachball buddy, I know you want to give me a compliment but how about a "damn you look good" or something instead of that.

caligirl98
09-22-2008, 05:32 PM
I guess two of the reasons this is an issues, is for one, I couldn’t take a compliment to save my life…seriously, I think every one is lying to me. Second, since they don’t believe I’m fat, they are always trying to feed me. On a night out, we have to hit like three restaurants and as soon as I say, I’m good, I’m full, I get a lot of flack like there is something wrong with wanting to watch what I eat. BTW: I’m the fat friend so they just don’t get it. I guess some support would be nice because it is starting to feel like they are all sabotaging me to the point where I barely go out any more. ‘Homework’ has become my excuse of choice.

mrs dorson
09-22-2008, 05:36 PM
ummm, maybe i am old but what IS thick?

is it like "that is so bad" but it means good?

thanks for the translation.

caligirl98
09-22-2008, 05:40 PM
Thick is kind of a guy term, I guess...well where I'm from...generally, it's having a little meat on your bones, with big chest, slim waist, big behind and thick thighs...Examples include Jennifer Hudson and all of the 'plus size' models on Top Model.

raw23
09-22-2008, 05:42 PM
I couldn’t take a compliment to save my life…seriously, I think every one is lying to me.

You just say "thank you" or "aw... thanks for saying that."
And smile.
Then roll your eyes when they turn away! j/k. :)

MotoMichelle
09-22-2008, 05:43 PM
I guess two of the reasons this is an issues, is for one, I couldn’t take a compliment to save my life…seriously, I think every one is lying to me. Second, since they don’t believe I’m fat, they are always trying to feed me. On a night out, we have to hit like three restaurants and as soon as I say, I’m good, I’m full, I get a lot of flack like there is something wrong with wanting to watch what I eat. BTW: I’m the fat friend so they just don’t get it. I guess some support would be nice because it is starting to feel like they are all sabotaging me to the point where I barely go out any more. ‘Homework’ has become my excuse of choice.

Perhaps they are insecure themselves and your success intimidates them? Friends and family, as much as they love you, can sometimes try to sabotage without even realizing it.

I'm with Faerie, take the compliment, pass on the fries, and continue with your success! :hug:

carinna
09-22-2008, 05:45 PM
I know it's frustrating, but I'm positive they are trying to say the right thing. Just try to thank them and let it go. It really is a nice gesture, even if it's misplaced.

mrs dorson
09-22-2008, 05:47 PM
Thick is kind of a guy term, I guess...well where I'm from...generally, it's having a little meat on your bones, with big chest, slim waist, big behind and thick thighs...Examples include Jennifer Hudson and all of the 'plus size' models on Top Model.

as in built! or curvy!

i get it.

thanks

suenami
09-22-2008, 05:53 PM
Here's where you need a bit of self-esteem :) I'm sure you DO look nice, but for yourself want to lose the weight. Speaking as a former "thinnie" I would always get so uncomfortable when the "heavier" person in whatever group would discuss their weight. For some it seemed like putting a shield around themselves...a pre-emptive strike so to speak. I sooo did not care if someone was overweight, I did care if I were forced to deal with their issues about the matter. Perhaps you are setting yourself up to be rejected before you ever are, and then when people don't want to hear it and you feel them backing off, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy? Don't know, just a guess.

Give yourself a break...make a list of compliments, play that you're another person and say them out loud, then play yourself and say "Why thank you!" Repeat!

It's more than just not accepting a compliment. It's downright rude to argue with someone when they tell you how nice you look :)

caligirl98
09-22-2008, 05:53 PM
You just say "thank you" or "aw... thanks for saying that."
And smile.
Then roll your eyes when they turn away! j/k. :)


LOL! that would be better than my usual; roll eyes and "Whatever..."

ghost
09-22-2008, 05:57 PM
ahhhh, the public forcefeeding ritual of the fat friend. I used to be the fat friend. Now I pretty much just have no friends. I had a skinny friend who would come out to eat with us as a big group of people, eat there bites of her dinner and while I'm still eating mine she'd push her plate at me and tell me she was done and I can have the rest of hers...like I want your dinner when I'm still working on mine. She just assumed that because I was fat that meant I would eat a lot. Truthfully, even at my fattest I didn't eat that much more then my skinny friends in volumn, I just made bad food choices and didn't work out.
So, what your saying is you think your skinny friends like to feed you to keep you the fat friend. I've felt like that before. Don't let them feed you. Just say no. Just get biotchy on them. I don't hang out with too many of my friends anymore mostly because of the same reasons. they are always eating, drinking and generally trying to get me to make bad choices. I value this reduced sized bum I've worked hard for and any skinny minnie who is going to try and devalue all the hard work or make me feel like my self impovement is unnecessary is going to either get deleted from my contact list or I'm going to go into very vivid detail of my caloric and excercise needs.

aino
09-22-2008, 06:07 PM
i'm the fat friend too! And I have two camps of friends - the ones who love being the hot skinny friends with me, and tell me I'm fine the way I am (as though it's ok that they're always attracting attention whereas I'm the INVISIBLE fat friend), and the ones who love being the hot skinny friends but tell me I need to lose weight and "just try harder to " shape up (as though I don't try!!!). They're both trying to be supportive, just in two different ways :D

caligirl98
09-22-2008, 06:17 PM
Here's where you need a bit of self-esteem :) I'm sure you DO look nice, but for yourself want to lose the weight. Speaking as a former "thinnie" I would always get so uncomfortable when the "heavier" person in whatever group would discuss their weight. For some it seemed like putting a shield around themselves...a pre-emptive strike so to speak. I sooo did not care if someone was overweight, I did care if I were forced to deal with their issues about the matter. Perhaps you are setting yourself up to be rejected before you ever are, and then when people don't want to hear it and you feel them backing off, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy? Don't know, just a guess.


Yeah, I get that. I try not to bring it up unless I'm joking about something and my girlish figure. But it’s the same conversation every weekend starting on Friday (insert any one of my best friends)...

Friend: you want to go out, get something to eat?
me: no, I'm good.
Friend: did you already eat?
Me: yeah
Friend: will you be hungry later?
Me: probably
Friend: we can go out later
me: I'm broke
Friend: that's cool, I can pay.
me: no its good, I'll just fix me something to eat
Friend: like what?
me: a salad or something.
Friend: you want a salad? That's not even real food.

Eventually this turns into a conversation about me neglecting said friendship and how I don't ever want to come out anymore. Here is my amateur psych evaluation of the problem...for them, in the process of losing weight, I never go out...I pass on everything. So if I just eat regular, then I'll be social again. But I don't know.

kaplods
09-22-2008, 06:19 PM
At nearly 400 lbs, I was told I wasn't fat. It was a coworker and friend who I'd said something to about having a hard time finding nice career clothes when you're fat, and she blurted out "you're not fat."

On what planet is nearly 400 lbs, not fat? I couldn't help it, I started laughing so hard, I nearly peed my pants (the kind of laughing that you can't stop to save your life). My poor friend turned beet red, very embarassed, and snapped, "you know what I mean."

And sadly I did. Fat is such a horrible, terrible, even evil thing thing, that an intelligent, fun, outgoing, nice person couldn't be fat, she had to be something else (and as I've said many times, I'll slap anyone that says "fluffy," I am not fluffy, I am fat).

It isn't ok to talk about "fat" in this culture. At least not without using a lot of silly euphemisms. There are a lot of people who can't admit that f-a-t exists, it's almost seen as more scandalous to use as in "polite conversation" as the other "f" word. Unless you're obviously very skinny, then it is apparently not only acceptable, but even fashionable to call yourself fat.

I think that making it a big "taboo" makes it only harder to deal with. I prefer the word "fat" to most of the silly euphemisms, and wish it was easier to discuss, but that's not the society we live in. Instead of being a simple descriptor, like tall - it's such a "nasty word" that just the word is sufficient an insult. I dealth with insults pretty well as a kid, as I was of the "make fun of yourself, before anyone else has a chance to," so my retorts were mostly of the "yeah, so what" variety (though they worked pretty well, actually).

As I got older, the retorts became a little more sophisticated ("I'm fat? Geez when did that happen? - or Gosh did you figure that out all by yourself, Genius, or did you have help?)

When you talk about "being fat," there are going to be a lot of people who will out of habit, and what they've been taught is the appropriate response, are likely to respond "you're not fat," whether you're 5 lbs, or 500 lbs overweight.

It used to make me mad, but I'm pretty much resigned to it, at this point. People are often unable to be honest about certain subjects, because they've been taught it isn't polite to do so. What can you do?

kelli32
09-22-2008, 06:24 PM
i've been talkin about this similiar problem with my friend on another thread- I would like to just be able to say "You don't think I'm fat, huh? I bet you don't want to see me naked either!" but of course there's few people you could [I]actually[I] say that to without hurtful banter following.

I think people get content with their friends in their roles. Someone else talked about this on another thread, but you said that they consider you the fat friend. If you no longer are the fat friend, what are you going to be? Do you become competition for a role they'd rather not give up?

caligirl98
09-22-2008, 06:31 PM
i've been talkin about this similiar problem with my friend on another thread- I would like to just be able to say "You don't think I'm fat, huh? I bet you don't want to see me naked either!" but of course there's few people you could [I]actually[I] say that to without hurtful banter following.

I think people get content with their friends in their roles. Someone else talked about this on another thread, but you said that they consider you the fat friend. If you no longer are the fat friend, what are you going to be? Do you become competition for a role they'd rather not give up?

I just want to be equal...we are like a sees candy assortment…something for everyone...one of my friend is 5'11 and model thin, the other is 5'7, thin with huge chest, the other one is 5'5 and the definition of thick and then there is me...currently the fat one, I want to be the small curvy one. When we go out, I always feel a little out of place, like I'm being compared to them. I get attention, but I feel like its consolation attention like, "We're drooling all over your friends, but you're cute too."

Blcarter84
09-22-2008, 07:01 PM
People always tell me how beautiful I am and what a pretty face, or eyes or lips or hair or whatever I have. BUt I just think in my head "Yeah except for the rest of me" I was joking around at work the other day and I got the"You're not fat" from one of my coworkers. I turned around and said "well you must be blind then". But we both just laughed. I think that mayb people think that Fat is just a terrible word that no one deserves but I don't think of it that way if you are using it in a non-derogatory manner. Like telling someone they are fat to be mean is different then making a statement that you yourself are fat and you are working on becoming something different. anyways that's my rant

JulieJ08
09-22-2008, 07:04 PM
I guess if I had the guts, then I'd say, "So, you wish you were my size? Can I tell how to get there?"

NuevaVida
09-22-2008, 07:07 PM
Friend: you want to go out, get something to eat?
me: no, I'm good.
Friend: did you already eat?
Me: yeah
Friend: will you be hungry later?
Me: probably
Friend: we can go out later
me: I'm broke
Friend: that's cool, I can pay.
me: no its good, I'll just fix me something to eat
Friend: like what?
me: a salad or something.
Friend: you want a salad? That's not even real food.

Eventually this turns into a conversation about me neglecting said friendship and how I don't ever want to come out anymore. Here is my amateur psych evaluation of the problem...for them, in the process of losing weight, I never go out...I pass on everything. So if I just eat regular, then I'll be social again. But I don't know.

How about proposing an alternative activity, one not related to eating? Go for a walk, go to a play (community ones are cheap if not free, depending on where you live), rent a movie and stay home, etc. If you don't want to go out to eat and they do, then meet them afterwards!!! If they want to spend time with you, then they'll accomodate you!

caligirl98
09-22-2008, 07:25 PM
Nueva: you're right! Why does every thing social we do have to revolve around about 3 restaurants and a bar?

BLCarter: growing up, I used to feel that if I didn't mention that I was fat, then no one would notice. I feel better now being able to say I'm fat. It’s like there is no power in that word to hurt me anymore. I prefer that over all those other terms they want to throw out there.

kaplods: LOL! why is it so ok for a skinny person to say their fat when it's sooo not true, but if I'm just being honest about myself, I'm putting myself down? That's so crazy. No one contradicts me when I say I'm short.;-)

Star2Be
09-22-2008, 07:35 PM
How funny that this thread should come up right now! I JUST had something like this happen to me yesterday! It was even worse than being told that I'm "not that fat"--my friend actually said I was skinny. But not in a sincere, "Wow, you've lost weight, that's awesome" way, it was definitely just an awkward thing that she said to try to deflect something I'd said. She was talking about a cute guy she knows who really likes big women, and I said something stupid like "Wow! He sounds like just the right type for me! :D"

Side note: I'm definitely not the self-deprecating type, because as this thread has made very clear, referring to yourself as "fat" or making any kind of realistic comment about your own weight ALWAYS creates awkwardness. As kaplods said, it's just a defense mechanism for a person who wants to make sure that everyone knows that they know they're fat, before someone else gets a chance to point it out. I guess I'm slightly bothered by that kind of attitude, plus I don't want to look like I'm fishing for compliments, PLUS I feel like when you say something like that, the obvious response is "Okaaaay, so why aren't you doing anything about it?" Either way, you're just airing out your insecurities for the world to see, and personally I'm not the type to do that.

BUT when I made that remark to my friend, I was 100% just joking around--obviously it cannot be denied that I am a "big" woman, and if I hear about a cute guy who likes that type, ya better believe I'm going to be interested! Hehe. But instead of chuckling along with me, she froze and looked a bit uncomfortable and said something like "Shut up. You're--skinny." If it weren't for my attitude as expressed above, I probably would have cracked up and said "Are you blind?!" too, ha. But I was just like, "Oh, I was just joking, but thanks." :)

I know that I AM fat, and I'm working on it, but I guess I just don't feel the need to convince others of it, heh. But I think when a friend/family member tells you that you're "not fat," in their own way, they really mean it--they're saying that they don't associate you with the typical characteristics that the word "fat" connotes in our society (lazy, sloppy, no willpower, etc). That's a compliment for sure! And it's also a good thing to know that your friends don't just see your weight; they actually see you.

caligirl98
09-22-2008, 07:45 PM
Thanks Star. I've had my share of awkward moments with my smaller friends...when my friend was pregnant; she was complaining and was like, "You just don't know what it's like to be fat!" I was like, "Really?" And my other friend had lost weight after she broke up with her boyfriend...he was always feeding her and she was like, "I guess he was trying to make me fat so no other guy would want me."

I personally always feel weird when I hear about a guy who likes big women...Probably because my friends always describe me as thick and like said earlier; there is a difference. I don't want some dude expecting a smaller girl because if he says something, I might go off, and it will not be lady like. ;-)

Star2Be
09-22-2008, 09:59 PM
Thanks Star. I've had my share of awkward moments with my smaller friends...when my friend was pregnant; she was complaining and was like, "You just don't know what it's like to be fat!" I was like, "Really?" And my other friend had lost weight after she broke up with her boyfriend...he was always feeding her and she was like, "I guess he was trying to make me fat so no other guy would want me."
OMG! Not only is that an ignorant-sounding comment in the first place (yes, no guy would ever want a bigger woman... Just ask all of the married members we have on 3FC :rolleyes:), but also, how insensitive of her to say something like that to a person who is overweight! Of course you know she wasn't trying to hurt your feelings, but it shocks me the kind of things that people will say about fat people when they "forget" (or don't realize) that a fat person is around... I've never experienced anything as bad as those, but one thing that irritates me to no end is when my thinnie friends make stupid remarks about each others' habits--i.e. calling someone a "fatty" if they're eating something unhealthy, saying something snarky when a friend has gained a little weight, complaining about how "ugly" they are if/when they themselves gain, etc. I don't say anything about it, but just sit there awkwardly thinking "Hmm, then I wonder what they must think of me!" It's not as if I expect them to cater exclusively to me when choosing conversation topics, and of course I wouldn't want them to be like "Oooh, we can't talk about that in front of Meredith because she's fat and it'll hurt her feelings!" (LOL) but I guess it just bothers me that they truly don't realize how those comments come across to a fat person. :shrug:

EricaBG
09-22-2008, 10:06 PM
You should just say thank you and take it as a compliment. I mean, they may just be trying to be nice or they made be truthful. You know what you need to do to get to a healthy weight. Don't base your decisions off of others. If everyone listened to their loved ones, most would never lose weight. Your loved ones love you for who you are, not for what you look like.
Lose the weight because you want to, because you want to feel good and feel better about yourself, not because someone else is saying good or bad things to/about you.
Basically, screw everyone else and think about yourself! its ok to be greedy when it comes to your health!

sh3l5
09-23-2008, 03:00 AM
its something i hate too....
i mean yer people have their opnions but sometimes u just dunt wana hear them....
especially when they are trying to stop your journeys falsely....

DRose
09-23-2008, 03:57 AM
AGH! I hate this too! Or like if you're out to eat with your friend's or family and they try to force you to eat more because they say you're "starving yourself" when really you've eaten plenty. ARGH. Like the other day I was out to eat with my dad and I ordered some ahi tuna, I ate a good amount and when the waiter came to take my plate I said I was finished but my dad goes "No! You need to eat those last few bites!" Right in front of the waiter too.:mad: I told him I was full and had the waiter take it anyway. It seems like sometimes people just don't get it, even if they know you're trying to lose weight.

My dad even had a talk with me about making sure I am eating enough, does he really think a girl my size would be able to eat too little? Sometimes I just feel like saying "Look at me! Clearly I've eaten enough." I am sticking to my daily caloric intake sheesh.

Blcarter84
09-23-2008, 04:12 PM
Get this! When I was 7 1/2 months pregnant with my son I had my baby shower and my dad's mom came(who is a total biotch by the way) I always have avoided her my whole life because she is never nice. But anyways I thought maybe this time it would be different but nope, she walks up to me puts her arm around me (in a half hug way) and said "God you look fat". Maybe someday I will be able to prove her absolutely WRO?NG!

whoIwannabe
09-23-2008, 04:28 PM
Who cares what other people say or think? It's all about the way YOU feel. I know that in the eyes of a lot of people I am not fat....but I feel FAT. Don't try to convince anyone... Just DO what YOU have to do for yourself. And most importantly don't let anyone sabotage you.

caligirl98
09-23-2008, 04:38 PM
Get this! When I was 7 1/2 months pregnant with my son I had my baby shower and my dad's mom came(who is a total biotch by the way) I always have avoided her my whole life because she is never nice. But anyways I thought maybe this time it would be different but nope, she walks up to me puts her arm around me (in a half hug way) and said "God you look fat". Maybe someday I will be able to prove her absolutely WRO?NG!

LOL! when I used to be obligated to do the family get togethers, my uncle always felt a need to tell me that I was as big as a house and then my mom would nod and agree saying I was eating her out of house and home. Ahhh, such a loving, caring, sensitive family I have. :rolleyes:

Blcarter84
09-23-2008, 04:42 PM
Well that's why I live 2500 miles away from my family now! And we get along great at that distance:):) Michigan to Nevada