20-Somethings - Do I let him in on this?




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kelli32
09-22-2008, 12:27 AM
I'm just wondering if I should tell my boyfriend about this thread. He doesn't want me dieting because he thinks that I'm fine at my current weight, which he doesn't know what it actually is, and that I just need to exercise to stay healthy. My friend is also been on my back about not dieting. She called me the other day just to tell me that I eat healthy and am active enough I shouldn't be dieting. So do I tell them I'm getting the support I need to do this right because, well, they basically aren't?

Do your partners know? How and why did you decide to tell them? It wouldnt' have even been an issue but he's been asking what I'm doing on my computer a lot more than usual- and that when I have a free second I'm on here typing to "someone".


SeminoleGirl
09-22-2008, 12:37 AM
Hi Kelli - just my two cents here:

It's great that he loves you as you are - BUT, it's equally - if not more - important that you feel great about yourself! I know it is that way for me, and most people I would imagine. That said, I'm sure you also want to be able to share whatever you are thinking/feeling with him. And, you should be able to do so, really. You may need to explain to him very clearly, and gently, that you love that he loves you as you are...but that you want to do this for yourself - to feel better and look as you want to look, etc. (I agree by the way, that you look great as is...but, I understand from experience that just because others think you are fine as is...that doesn't make us okay with it!)

As for your friend - I really expect girlfriends to be more understanding...I think it is strange that she is so adamant about your not needing to do this! Any idea why she should care or be less than understanding? I guess I'm skeptical about her motivation, here....not to be negative towards her at all...still...:?:

Anyway, just my thoughts - I think the most important thing is that you be happy with your own goals and that you not let ANYONE dissuade you. In the end, you may resent them for keeping you from achieving your own desires. That wouldn't be good for either of you...

Good luck to you!!!!!!

Rosemary

Kofarq
09-22-2008, 12:40 AM
My Hubs knows. He knew I was wanting to lose weight for our wedding, and he saw 3fc advertized somewhere, and wrote it down for me. I've loved it ever since. The problem now is he thinks I've lost enough weight, and I want to lose 10 more lbs. So now I tell him I'm in maintenance, and the exercise rooms.

Tell your BF and friends you're just in here learning about exercise and healthy recipes. Then they won't be as tempted to talk you out of it. Lots of people have problems with sabotagers.

If he keeps asking you why you're on the internet, just tell him you're surfing or playing or whatever, just be general.


SeminoleGirl
09-22-2008, 12:46 AM
I realized that I didn't answer, my husband does know and is totally supportive. Though he doesn't care if I lose or not, and loves me even when I think I look my very worst!

His support makes it SO much easier - which is why I hope your boyfriend will come around for you! ;)

zenor77
09-22-2008, 01:36 AM
I would tell him. Primarily because your post gives the impression that he's concerned about you talking to "someone" online (as in another guy.)

Just let him know that, although you value his opinion, you want to lose weight for you. Why not explain to him that you are doing it in a healthy way? Your goal weight is by no means unrealistic. It seems like a perfectly healthy weight to me. It's not like you are trying to starve yourself down to an obviously too low weight. Maybe this is his concern.

My Dh was understanding. He stressed that I didn't need to do it for him, but he was supportive. Consequently, he lost with me and wants to lose more.

Aside from DH I found most people to be unsupportive. Especially my co-workers. I think that when you are successful at weight loss it makes some people feel defensive (if they want to lose a few as well.) The guy I shared an office with was ALWAYS offering me food. It was maddening.

You need to do this for you, but I think you should be honest with your BF. Honesty is usually the best route.

how piquant
09-22-2008, 01:41 AM
I'd tell him, if you can anticipate his support. I understand it's intimidating to let others know when you are dieting... largely because the word "diet" sends red flags in and of itself. You could say you're partaking in a healthy lifestyle change, with the goal of weight loss in mind... so you can be happier with yourself! And when you're comfortable in your skin, he will be sure to reap the rewards. :)

I always told my ex when I was "dieting"... and subsequently when I stopped dieting... and again when I started another diet... yeah, he got kind of tired of that and eventually never believed me and dismissed my motivations. Just make sure you keep the promises that you make yourself, so you don't let yourself down!

mamaspank
09-22-2008, 02:18 AM
I am wondering what they are so concerned about. I agree with Seminole girl about your friend, why so adamant? I didn't have anybody say boo when I first started dieting. I think maybe they thought I was just blowing smoke up their butts. After I lost 40 pounds this summer, now everybody has an opinion. I have been told I look great, too skinny, not to get too carried away, and people just be plain accusatory that I have some sort of an eating disorder because I mention I would love to have the fettucine alfredo, but go with soup and salad instead because I have stuck with it this long and feel great.

I think people have very different motives for being concerned. Maybe their concern is one of "you are beautiful just they way you are, don't change." That's great if it is. I feel, however, that if I am the one crying over clothes not fitting and I am sick of looking at myself naked, then I am going to make the decisions that have to do with my body. Now this is just me. I had really low self-esteem after I had my baby, maybe a touch of post-partum, and just trying to get used to being a stay-at-home mom and not eating the plastic wrapper my candy bar came in.

My boyfriend is totally supportive. He never said anything about me needing to lose weight in the first place. For me, losing weight didn't just affect my body. It had a huge impact on my personality. I feel like I am me again. I am not avoiding friends, parties, or shopping anymore.

I also think you should tell your boyfriend because he is probably starting to get pretty suspicious of all your typing activity and he might feel better if he knew.

kelli32
09-22-2008, 02:41 AM
As far as the bf goes he'd be supportive, he'd just think it was silly. He'd just wonder why I am spending so much time focusing on "eating healthy". When we started dating we were both athletes in college and both in pretty good shape, well he was in great shape. Now he plays arena football and still is and I.. walk the dog? He's said before looks don't matter to him so maybe thats why he hasn't noticed I've gained some weight. The important thing is I've noticed and I want it to change! I think if he knows I'm dieting he has to admit that his girlfriend may need to lose some weight. Not a bad thing to me, but I could see him being a little :S

As for my friend.. aww I love her but she's something else. She had some stomach issues and went from a size 14 to a 4 in about 8-10 months. She's got it under control now and right back where she was if not a little heavier. She's always been a little bigger than me but consistently weights 20 pounds less (except during her little stint of illness) and last time we were together she said something about weighing more than me. I don't think she wants me to lose weight because she doesn't want to make the effort to do the same. Like I'll be leaving her behind. I love that girl -we've been friends for years and thats the only reason I could ever think she'd ever act this way.

I'll probably just tell my bf that I need to get healthy and this is where I'm learning how. I did make some tuna melts today that he loved I'll just say I got it off this website! I'll work it out, its just irritating that two people I love are not behind my decision. Thanks everyone for your posts they were all very helpful :D

sh3l5
09-22-2008, 03:05 AM
my bf knows im trying to loose weight....
but he doesnt know how much i weigh now or how much i even want to weigh....
he would go mad at me if he did know...
he thought i was perfect at my 200+lb weight....

Blcarter84
09-22-2008, 04:15 AM
My bf knows now but he always gives me grief about it...but is much more supportive now then ever. He always asks what I am doing also. He loves me as I am and I just now told him how much I weigh now and he said that I don't look any different...but he wants me to feel good. There have been studies done that show that the main people that hurt people's accomplishments such as weight loss are the poeple closest to them because they think are being supportive when really they are bringing you down.

e32
09-22-2008, 05:15 AM
hi again kelli,

i know it can be hard when the people closest to you aren't cheering you on the way you hoped they would.

when i started this weight loss journey, some of my friends were very concerned (some in supportive ways, some not). they were just trying to protect me because i've struggled with my eating habits in the past. i've reassured them that this time i'm going to get to a healthy weight a healthy way. it may be that your friend and boyfriend are feeling protective of you and want you to feel that you're great just the way you are right now. :)

this can be good but also frustrating i know...

if your boyfriend doesn't think you need to lose weight, it would be easy enough to say you've committed to a healthier lifestyle (like you mentioned in your second post)...something like that. i'm lucky to have a very supportive boyfriend when it comes to me being healthy, but like your bf, i haven't told him about 3fc because he'd probably also think it was silly. i have told him that i've found some great advice, motivation and correspondence on the internet...

as far as your friend goes, obviously i don't know her and i can't know for sure, but i think your prediction is right--she doesn't want to be left behind and is getting a little preemptively jealous of your fitter future. even if she doesn't want to join you in your dieting or in all your workouts, maybe see if there are things she would like to do--take a hike on a saturday, go for a bike ride to see a movie instead of driving...something like that? if she's afraid of being left behind, see if you can take her with you :)

i was glad to come across this post of yours, hopefully we can get to know each other better over time. :)

i wish you the best of luck and let us know how it goes as time goes on...

ella

p.s. feel free to pm (private message) me anytime!

Sidheag
09-22-2008, 07:58 AM
My bf tells me every day that I am gorgeous, that he loves me, and that I don't need to lose weight to be beautiful and sexy. And to some extent...he's right. I AM beautiful and sexy (as are all of you my dear girls). However, at my current weight I'm really not healthy. I've explained to him that it is not about fitting a Hollywood image or anything like that, it is making sure that I am alive long enough to spend my life with him. That concept really got to him because now he is on the healthy lifestyle bandwagon :P He knows about 3FC and he thinks that it is cute, which is good since I am constantly referring to it. :P
Also, I've found that everyone gets up at arms at the word "diet". There are so many negative connotations with that word and because I got sick of people telling me that I didn't need to I stopped using it. I, taking my cue from you lovely ladies, refer to it as my healthy way of life. People tend to be more comfortable with that, rather than with the concept of "dieting" which has connotations of willful starvation.
Like so many others have said, I don't know your friend, but it does sound like she is perhaps...nervous about your potential success. I'm not suggesting anything mean-spirited but it is human nature to worry about where one fits in in a group. The sexy one, the smart one, the funny one, etc. We all do it and she's probably unconsciously afraid of what your potential success will do to her "role".
:hug: either way, nothing should change how proud you are of yourself and the work that you are doing to improve your overall health. Keep it up!

All the love,
Sidheag

Lovely
09-22-2008, 09:15 AM
It's great that your bf & your friend think you're fine just the way you are. It's wonderful to have people who like you for you. But, you're doing this for one person, yourself.

Eating healthier & exercising more are not only for people specifically dieting. I bet doctors around the world would rejoice if everyone did it... even to a small degree.

Were I you, I'd definitely talk to the bf about eating healthier, because it's something you want. As for the friend... well if you want to bring it up and just, again, mention it's something you want. However, sometimes certain people just cannot support us through everything. Not their fault, not our fault. They just cannot do it. So we don't talk to them about it.

i am still trying
09-22-2008, 10:05 AM
I think it's all been said. It's awesome that your bf is so supportive of YOU. My DH knows about 3FC, he sees me on it every once in a while BUT he never reads my posts or other posts. I feel like I am super open about some things here that he really doesn't need to know. I'm not hiding my feelings from him or anything but I think that I like keeping my 3FC 'clucking' to myself, and all of you of course :).

kelli32
09-22-2008, 01:40 PM
I thought about it last night quite a bit and I think I do want to talk to him about it. The Good Lord Himself knows that my bf could stand to eat healthier, even though he's a very healthy weight (we know because when I was calculating my BMI/BMR/wait to hip ratio the other night I did his too) he's doesn't eat healthy food, and even though I'm considered overweight, I am probably healthier than him. I read an article last night in Glamour that over half of women that were at a "normal body weight" had over 30% body fat. I was relieved that people are finally starting to accept healthy as more than just skinny!

My friend used to go to school here with me and used to be my semi-committed workout partner. Now she's doing grad school about 4 hours away so we can't get together as much. Her and I are completely opposite, I'm very logical and she's VERY emotional. Thats what I'm struggling with when it comes to talking to her about my "dieting" because I'm afraid I'll say something that makes sense to me but could be hurtful to her..

Your thoughts and replies are really giving me some ideas and I'm feeling a lot better about bringing it up to my bf. I may just have to start the convo with "So don't laugh at me but.." so he knows I'm serious. I'm hardly ever serious so sometimes I have to point that out haha.

JulieJ08
09-22-2008, 01:59 PM
I think you might be surprised how good it feels to not keep a secret and refuse to feel embarrassed about something that you know is good for you. It's not the end of the world if he thinks it's silly, it's just his opinion, and if he loves you he won't try to make you feel bad.

e32
09-22-2008, 04:44 PM
the mere fact that you have thought this through so well is a great sign. you seem to be very tuned in to what others are thinking and how what you say will make them think/feel. therefore--i would say to trust your instincts about what to say/what not to say (especially in your conversation with your friend).

good luck and let us know how it turns out :)

ella

kelli32
09-22-2008, 05:41 PM
My bf and I went to lunch on campus today. He asked why I only got a salad (which I always do so I don't know why he asked) so I took the opportunity to say that I was really trying to be healthier. He got a bacon cheeseburger, fries AND a salad, and when he didn't eat all his salad he said I could have it for dinner- he was teasing me but I could tell he was thinking I was silly. I started riding a bike to classes today and I was whipped by the time I got home from my 3rd trip to campus. He said, "Just make sure you get back on tomorrow!" I'm ready to tell him all about this.. I'll just wait til he asks again though haha.

My friend, that will be a different story- but I'm sure I'll be asking for more advice before the convo, and let you know what happens!

carinna
09-22-2008, 06:05 PM
My boyfriend is on the journey with me (although not as dedicated). I think you should do what you feel comfortable with, but with us, there are no secrets.

JulieJ08
09-22-2008, 06:36 PM
I think things will be fine with the BF. With the GF, you just have to separate her issues from your own. *Your* weight loss isn't about *her,* even if she thinks it is.

HeatherMcG
09-22-2008, 06:40 PM
My husband totally knows and was happy that I found this place. He also would love me either way, however, he does know that I need to lost to be healthier. And for that, he is willing to do anything in the world.

e32
09-22-2008, 09:35 PM
:) sounds like your bf is a little envious of your determination...mine can be that way too...he teases me like that when he realizes that i'm doing what he'd like to be doing...

that's great you've been biking to campus. it's one of those easy ways to be more active, that can turn into real lifestyle changes over time!

good for you :)

talk more soon--
ella

xYourBelleMortex
09-22-2008, 10:25 PM
Yes, as a matter of fact he is yelling at me right now because I am on here instead of watching Heroes.

Your life. Is your life. You want to get healthy, it is your body. If I did everything that the people in my life wanted me to do - I would still be 270 pounds.

SeminoleGirl
09-22-2008, 10:44 PM
Hi Kelli...

You are definitely headed in the right direction with both the BF and the friend...and it's great you realize the likely reason for her lack of support - and indifference to your efforts. I think that it's important for you to be able to be open with the BF...b/c he is in your everyday life.

As for the friend - well, if she isn't on your team/in your corner...you don't have to discuss it with her. If she brings it up...you don't have to take the bait...as she may just want to bring it up so she can belittle the effort. She probably doesn't truly want to hurt you or hold you back...but frankly, many people in her situation (need to lose/want to lose/but won't do anything about it....) simply can't help themselves. It's a rare bird who needs to/wants to lose - and just laughs it off, does nothing and cheers on a friend who IS making progress. Just doesn't happen as much.

Main thing - surround yourself and share your goals and victories with only folks who make you feel better about it...not those who poo-poo what you are doing. ;)

CONGRATS on the biking to class...excellent. Biking is tough - so that's a great step. Also you are doing great just making better choices when eating...maybe BF will get on board by osmosis as you go along! TRuly, there's lots to eat or make at home that is still great and good for you...it doesn't have to be boxed cardboard meals. LOL.

Keep us posted, Kelli! 3FC is a pretty cool place - it's like a whole other group of friends who totally get it! :cool:

Rosemary

Primm
09-22-2008, 11:06 PM
Hi Kelli,

Good for you for deciding to have "the talk" with your BF. I did the same thing with my husband. Reason I hesitated was the same as you - he thinks I am stunning (rose-coloured glasses, anyone?!!) and doesn't think I need to lose weight.

When I explained my reasoning, like I want to do this for me, not for anyone else, and I'm eating healthier and exercising and weight loss is just a pleasant side effect of that (OK, I may have downplayed that a little bit!) he's got totally on board. Now, instead of buying chocolate or icecream, he brings home gorgeous looking and tasting fruit he thinks I might like. And he grabs "diet food" like WW rice crackers (I haven't had the heart to tell him I really do just want to eat healthier, not more processed diet stuff!) so that I can munch on it instead of chips etc.

He doesn't push me, but he makes it easier for me. He does it because he can see how important this is to me, and that it makes me happy. And I love him for that! So you may be pleasantly surprised by your BF's reaction.

kelli32
09-23-2008, 12:23 AM
e32-- I hadn't thought of him being envious! I think you hit the nail on the head. He's always been really proud of me because I'm really determined to be successful in life as far as my career and being a good person. I think he knows that being that driven is something you possess not take on. But being healthy is a decision to change your lifestyle, which he could make too, and isn't. HMM..

Primm-- I hope he responds like your man! I've never been big on sweets but when he gets something at the convienent store he grabs me one too. Before I just didn't eat it, now its like he's challenging my will power. I guess his behavior hasn't changed then, its my interpretation. We went shopping and he bought two huge boxes of ding dongs and honey buns.. and he offers them to me! It's hard enough not to eat one when I realize I'm low on my calories for the day- I dont need him tempting me.

On a side note: I'm so glad I have someone behind me when I say riding a bike is HARD. Its not like the stationary bikes in the gym, its a whole new beast. I said something about that when I got home today and he just kinda chuckled and said "no, not really" whatever. I told him to get a bike and we'll see!

I'm up in arms about my friend for now- I'll keep it to myself until I get another call/text just to remind me I shouldn't be dieting.

sh3l5
09-23-2008, 03:13 AM
my boyfriend is starting to eat healthier because i am....
we were checking out contents of calories in McDonalds and Burger Kings....
he was rather suprised....
i think sometimes i feel so alone in my journey....
its so diffficult at times to only eat healthy choices....
its hard and sometimes stenuous....
but so so worth the look i see in the mirror....
i am so set to continue til christmas....
:)

kelli32
09-23-2008, 11:30 PM
He was pretty anti-me being healthy today. We saw this really heavy guy at walmart though and he said as long as I don't look like him I'll be fine. I just wanted to throw something at him. If I don't get in the habit of being healthy now I could and probably will end up even heavier and unhealthier.. ugh. I just left it at I hope I never look like a man either and a meek smile. Maybe tomorrow.

SeminoleGirl
09-23-2008, 11:44 PM
Now I'm thinking Em32 is onto something...it's like he doesn't want you losing weight, feeling awesome and "leaving him out"...or behind, etc. Of course, guys will never say that out loud. Still...that comment at Wal Mart - he should know that isn't what you need! Ugh....frustrating I'm sure. I do think there may be a hint of worry in this for him...insecurity, just a tiny bit...and the boxes of cupcakes or whatever...not helpful and SOOO tempting. I personally love the Swiss Rolls...and Nutty Bars. BUT, I have NO interest in them anymore - because I am on my way to the me I want to be, and have been in the not too distant past. Think of it that way...which do you want more? Sounds simplistic, but it works for me.

And riding a bike, a REAL bike, is very hard work. It's nothing like a stationary bike at all. Even the smallest hill can be grueling...you are basically pulling your own weight up whatever incline you may be on, and on two narrow tires at that...regardless of being an athlete in college (I was, too) it's still hard. He totally needs a bike, too!!!!

OK - hang in there. Keep us posted. And, I'd say it's a safe bet you will never EVER look like a man! No worries there! :)

Rosemary

tmf718
09-24-2008, 12:03 AM
I think all the advice and insight you've received is very good. When I read your post, I completely identified with it. I've been married 22 years, and I've my weight has been up and down, mainly due to depression (right now it's down...yeah!.....2 years maintaining a 60 lb. loss). I tried plenty of things over the years, but when I had to the courage to join a gym and see a nutritionist, I sensed it was going to be different that time. I knew from experience that the smallest things my husband might say would sabotage me. Things like, you're wasting your time going to the gym if you're going to eat that....you're not exercising hard enough, you have to sweat (when I was killing myself just to get in a 1/2 hour of exercise), etc. So for 3 months I didn't say anything and I lost around 25 lbs. He said there was something different about me, but he had no clue I was losing...funny! Then one day he made a remark about me sitting around and getting fat, and I was so mad, I told him what I'd been doing and what I lost. He was stunned. Since he doesn't have a weight problem, he's never understood the struggle. In his own way, he always thought he was being helpful.

Now that I'm down 60 lbs, he never stops complimenting me on how great I look. It goes without saying that those compliments feel empty, but I get my satisfaction from doing this for me. I did it to be happy and healthy, and I feel so much stronger then before. Whatever you decide to tell your BF or GF, just stay focused on yourself and your goals.

JulieJ08
09-24-2008, 12:18 AM
He was pretty anti-me being healthy today. We saw this really heavy guy at walmart though and he said as long as I don't look like him I'll be fine. I just wanted to throw something at him. If I don't get in the habit of being healthy now I could and probably will end up even heavier and unhealthier.. ugh. I just left it at I hope I never look like a man either and a meek smile. Maybe tomorrow.

Good answer :D. Sometimes just pretty much ignoring the comments goes a lot further than trying to give a real answer.