20-Somethings - Need prayers bad.... my sister is going back to abusive boyfriend




Here we go again
09-15-2008, 10:35 PM
Help! I'm not sure what to do. My sister who is 21 and has a 10 month old baby girl left her boyfriend/ baby's daddy. He threw things at her while holding their baby. He then pushed her and she was able to get away. She won't tell me everything that happened, but when she was able to get away from him, he got everything that he had ever gave her and set fire to it. Can you say physco? She left him and got most of her stuff out.

Now, a week later, she's wanting to go back to him. I have been in this same situation minus the child. I know what's she going through but she won't listen. I'm afraid that if she goes back that he will really hurt her and the baby. He has an anger problem and hasn't looked into getting help.

I don't know people's religious beliefs on here, but if you do pray, please pray for her. I'm 2,000 miles away from them and I'm so upset. We're praying that she goes with my brother to Texas for two weeks to get away from the controlling guy. He's got such a control over her and we're trying to let her see that it's a bad situation.

If you have any advice, I'm all ears. Thanks for your prayers! :hug:

Heather


caligirl98
09-15-2008, 10:46 PM
She's in my prayers. I don't have any advice cause my best friend is/went through the same thing. Her baby's father took the baby, and stole my friends car and when my friend tried to stop him, he tried to run her over and a month a later, they were back together. They are on and off now, (he's still physically abusive) but she won't let him go because she loves him. Love will make you do some stupid things. *hugz*

CurvaceousCutie
09-15-2008, 11:09 PM
oh ya def in my prayers. my aunt when she was 21 (i never met her) was killed by abusive x-bf and she had 2 lil boys at the time and now there in there 30s. he suffocated her w/ a pillow. hes thing was if i cant have u no1 will. and he was never charged for the it cuz of the fact that he was a cop. i don't think any1 should have to go thru abusive relationship of any kind its not good. i think u should help her in anyway u can cuz she deserves better. hopefully my situation helped u a lil of what it could lead to but i pray that that wont happen. but if u need to talk about anything contact me.


luvja
09-15-2008, 11:17 PM
You and your family are in my prayers. I hope God helps her make the right decision. :hug:

Nevaeh
09-16-2008, 10:19 AM
I'm so sorry to hear that. I've watched my cousin continuously go back to an abusive man so I really do not have any advice. All we can do is pray. :hug:

Here we go again
09-16-2008, 10:41 AM
I've been in this situation before. It's why I moved to California almost 7 months ago. She doesn't want to listen to me and says our situations are totally different, they're not. I just don't want her making the same mistakes I did. I'm so upset, I feel like it's making me sick! Do I just let her make her own descisions and when he beats her so bad then just be there for her?

LindsayL0ve
09-16-2008, 11:04 AM
whatever you do, don't let her go back to him. I would never say let her learn on her own, since she has a child and I've seen what an angry man can do when he already shows signs of abuse.

If you have to, resort to doing something you don't want to do, but have to to keep her safe and her child. SHe has to think of her daughter as well. She'll be safer in the end and thank you.

You and her and her daughter are in my prayers. :)

Lovely
09-16-2008, 11:06 AM
Oh how heartbreaking! Your sister is in my thoughts. May she realize that she does not need a person like that in her life. Nor in her new child's life!

Here we go again
09-16-2008, 11:08 AM
I have thought about called Child protective services. I think that will make things worse b/c his parents are in my nieces life too. She's in AR and I'm in CA. I feel like there's nothing I can do. I'm 2000 miles away. I talked to her on Sunday but now she's not returning anyone in the family's calls.

PhotoChick
09-16-2008, 11:18 AM
I'm so sorry. I will be thinking about you and your family. I come from an abusive family and I know how hard it can be.

I hope your sister realizes that she doesn't have to live like this, at some point.

.

raw23
09-16-2008, 11:50 AM
Yikes. :hug:
I'm sorry, I'm not much help. :sorry: I've never understood why women stay in abusive relationships. :shrug: :no:
But I will pray for her.

JuliaDH
09-16-2008, 12:08 PM
I am praying for all involved.

ghost
09-16-2008, 12:08 PM
You have a responsibility to your neice who is helpless and not to your sister who is making bad decisions. If I were in your shoes, and believe me, I have been, I'd call child protective services and file a report. Your sister taking that baby back into that situation constitutes abuse and neglect. She's not only exposing the child to an abusive situation but she's also neglecting the childs saftey.
Maybe your sister is afraid to try and raise the baby on her own. Or maybe she is insecure for whatever reasons, but she's a mom now and she isn't allowed to make decision bases on HER feelings, she has to take her childs safety and welfare into consideration first and foremost.
Sorry, I worked as a childrens advocate at a shelter for victims of domestic violence for 7 years. Thats my take on the situation. If you want to get your sister away from that man, the way to do it is to let her know it is NOT OKAY for her to expose a child to violence, even if that man is her childs father.

UrsusMaritimus
09-16-2008, 12:30 PM
Heather, I'm so sorry. You, your sister, and your niece are in my thoughts.

I agree with Ghost - you can't allow her to take her child back into that situation. Your sister is an adult and can make her own decisions (even bad ones), but your niece has no choice.

Stay strong. :hug: You can only do what you can do.

Here we go again
09-16-2008, 12:44 PM
Heather, I'm so sorry. You, your sister, and your niece are in my thoughts.

I agree with Ghost - you can't allow her to take her child back into that situation. Your sister is an adult and can make her own decisions (even bad ones), but your niece has no choice.

Stay strong. :hug: You can only do what you can do.

Thank you. I totally agree with you and Ghost. The problem is, she recently moved and I don't know her address. my entire family would hate me, which I would be ok with for a short time. I'm not going to do anything until after Thursday. She still has a ticket that my brother bought her to go to Texas for two weeks. If we can get her on that plane with my niece than she may leave him for good.

KLK
09-16-2008, 12:47 PM
I've never (thank goodness) been in an abusive relationship, but I do agree that I think fear of being alone is often a big motivator for women to return to abusive situations like this, especially if a child is involved. I mean, raising a child alone IS a scary concept (at least to me).

But on the other hand, as Ghost says, your sister can't be wholly driven by her own needs -- emotional, financial, whatever -- and needs to consider the safety and wellbeing of her baby. Even assuming the father poses no physical threat to his own baby, there is NOTHING worse for a child than to be raised in an abusive environment.

Your sister is definitely in my thoughts -- I sincerely hope she will make the right decision and leave that loser for good. But maybe the best way for you to reach her is not to demand she leave him, but to maybe play against the insecurities that are driving her back to him, assure her everything will be okay and that she DOESN'T need him to live or to raise her baby.



Maybe your sister is afraid to try and raise the baby on her own. Or maybe she is insecure for whatever reasons, but she's a mom now and she isn't allowed to make decision bases on HER feelings, she has to take her childs safety and welfare into consideration first and foremost.
Sorry, I worked as a childrens advocate at a shelter for victims of domestic violence for 7 years. Thats my take on the situation. If you want to get your sister away from that man, the way to do it is to let her know it is NOT OKAY for her to expose a child to violence, even if that man is her childs father.

Here we go again
09-16-2008, 12:57 PM
When I talked to her on Sunday. I told her that she could come out to CA and stay with me. She can get away and I would be there for her in anyway that I could. I told her that I would be there for her no matter what. I told her to think of her baby and being raised in that environment and to also remember the words that she told me when I was in an abusive relationship. She told me to leave him b/c I was too good for that, but now she can't believe it for herself, funny how that works.

yoyonomoreinvegas
09-16-2008, 01:04 PM
I agree with everyone - a child must not be brought up in a violent household. Period. I know you are worried about your family being upset with you for "interfering" but they'll get over it. Do you want to be posting 20 years from now about your niece and her abusive bf? If she grows up thinking this is "normal" she'll end up walking into the same situation.

The biggest thing to remember when trying to help your sister is that change is scary. Any kind of change. It is easier to stay in a known bad situation than it is to face the unknown. IMHO, that's the main reason women stay in abusive relationships in the first place. Try to let your sister know that she is not going to be alone. She has a family who loves her and will help her get through adjusting to life as a single parent. And try to help her understand that no one is going to think she is a failure for not being able to make this relationship "work" - a real relationship is BOTH people loving and respecting each other. She is not the failure - he is.

Good luck! :hug: I hope you are able to get her on that plane!

Here we go again
09-16-2008, 04:11 PM
So I've talked to my mom and my brother. My sister is going to go to Texas for two weeks. Once she's there, my brother is going to take her phone so the guy can't contact her for at least two weeks. At this point she's pretty sure she's going back to him, but we are praying that this two weeks away from him will help get some sense into her. We are praying that she will get on that plane on Thursday. My mom is going to take her. I talked to my mom about calling Child services and she said that it's too soon and we have no proof. My sister didn't call the police at the time. Do we need proof? I'm not sure how that works when kids are involved.

ghost
09-16-2008, 04:17 PM
For child services all you should need is the concern for the childs welfare and a case worker will do a home visit. If the case worker doesn't like what she see's she'll initiate an investigation. Sometimes it takes more then one complaint and one visit for a case worker to find reason to believe a child is in danger, because of course, unless its a surprise visit Dad will be on his best behavior.

Here we go again
09-16-2008, 04:23 PM
That's what I'm afraid of. Right now they are not at the house. I'm not sure where they are staying... but she is at my mom's right now but I think she's just there talking with her but not going to stay. I just don't understand why she would put themselves in danger again. I wish I was in AR, I would find that man and let's just say it would be a good talking to. lol

ghost
09-16-2008, 04:29 PM
She can still file a police report, it is not too late. Maybe work that angle, so there is a paper trail incase she ever needs to get a protective order against him.

HeatherMcG
09-16-2008, 05:52 PM
I am so sorry. I will definitely pray for all of you tonight. I know how it feels to be so helpless... (not in an abusive way) but to watch from the outside knowing you have no control.

Since you asked for prayer, let me add. God never gives us more than we can handle. Everything works together for good. I know you can't see it right now, but, have faith.

Here we go again
09-26-2008, 11:09 AM
Ok, my little sister was in Texas with my brother for a week. She was suppose to be there for two weeks. She left last night with her baby. It's a 6 hour drive from Texas to NW AR.

My family is so frustrated with her. She thinks she's being responsible and "all grown" but she's using anyone that helps her. She is so selfish and she can't even see it. Yesterday her abusive boyfriend was acting like he was mad at her and holding it over her head just controlling her. Now she's gone!

We don't know where she is and they moved recently and no one knows where she's moved to. I don't know what to do. A part of me hopes that he will beat some sense into her and maybe it would open her eyes but I don't want that for my sister.

What can I do?

GradPhase
09-26-2008, 02:32 PM
Call the police, they can get a license plate number and start an investigation into her whereabouts and the safety of the baby.

Him beating some sense in to her isn't going to solve a thing especially if when he's angry he has a complete disregard for the safety of the infant. The US is the number ONE top industrialized nation for the MOST infant deaths, mostly because of Shaken Baby Syndrome. Give the police any information you have, they can try tracking her down. The worst thing you could do for the baby is nothing at all. It's never "too soon" to get a child out of a dangerous situation.

Here we go again
09-26-2008, 02:45 PM
Esk- The thing is she doesn't have her car. She flew down to TX. I don't know what car they are in. My mom talked to her and she was stranded 1/2 way but said her ride was coming. She's on the run from the family and we don't know how to find her. I dn't know where she lives once she gets back to AR. Can I do anything?

belinda245
09-26-2008, 02:57 PM
I have been in an abusive relationship before and can honestly tell you that leaving for good was extremely difficult. My ex was like dr. jekyll & mr. hyde. Everytime I would leave he would go as far as to threaten my life and my daughters life if i didnt come back. And then when i would go back he was sweet as pie for 1 week or 2 .. but unfortunately always went back to his abusive ways. I put up with this for 3 years until he hit my daughter one day. That was what finally opened my eyes that we needed to get out of there. The hospital called CPS on me and they threatened to take my daughter away from me if I went back to him.

Men that hit are like men that cheat. They do it once and they will continue to do it for as long as you let him.

I completely agree with Ghost.. call CPS and explain to them the situation. They will find her. And maybe with the thought of possibly losing her child she will see that she truly does need to leave.

As far as your family.. they will get over it.

You, your sister, and her baby will definitely be in my prayers.

Munchy
09-26-2008, 03:41 PM
I have been in an abusive relationship before and can honestly tell you that leaving for good was extremely difficult. My ex was like dr. jekyll & mr. hyde. Everytime I would leave he would go as far as to threaten my life and my daughters life if i didnt come back. And then when i would go back he was sweet as pie for 1 week or 2 .. but unfortunately always went back to his abusive ways. I put up with this for 3 years until he hit my daughter one day. That was what finally opened my eyes that we needed to get out of there. The hospital called CPS on me and they threatened to take my daughter away from me if I went back to him.

Men that hit are like men that cheat. They do it once and they will continue to do it for as long as you let him.

I completely agree with Ghost.. call CPS and explain to them the situation. They will find her. And maybe with the thought of possibly losing her child she will see that she truly does need to leave.

As far as your family.. they will get over it.

You, your sister, and her baby will definitely be in my prayers.

I want to cosign on this. Make sure that you and your family aren't being as controlling as he is because she isn't doing what you want. I'm SURE she's not thinking, "let me try to use my family, friends when it's convenient for me and use them." I would assume she's scared and needs support. Like others have said, it's a terrifying situation, especially when they go back and forth from super nice to abusive and scary. When she reached her limit, I guess he convinced her that he would change and she returned. I would make sure that SHE is getting the opportunity to talk to someone (like a counselor) who can advocate for her and give her a safe place to bounce ideas off of and who is there, no matter what her decision is. She will make the move when she's ready.
She is in my prayers - truly in my prayers. I get it.

jmfan317
09-26-2008, 07:23 PM
I knew somebody that when through the same thing ur sister went through and has a child 2. They supposedly separated but I don't think it ever happened cuz she has a child wit him. He has control over her 2. I know the guy cuz he is one of my friends apart frm other things back then. Its not good at all 4 ur sister 2 be in that type of relationship let alone u don't know what could happen 4 the child. The child doesn't need 2 be in that type of enviroment. I will definately prayer 4 ur sister.