Hello ladies,
I was just reading through the binge confession thread and it was all so familiar. I thought I'd start a new thread because I wanted to say something else about binge eating. For me, it feels so much like an addiction because I'm always chasing the next high. No food tastes good enough. When I'm done binging, I always think that this food wasn't all that great and that I could have found something better. I could eat a whole bag of halloween candy bars and then think that it wasn't even that great. Why didn't I have some cake? Then, I could eat cake and think, why didn't I have something more savory? Then, I'll eat something savory and want something sweet again, like donuts. I don't do this so much anymore, but that's how my brain operates. It's like no food is good enough or worth all the upset stomach, the fat, the calories, but yet, I still want to find that one perfect food that I could eat. All alone. In large quantities. Isn't that so sick? I really appreciate you all and the fact that there's a place where I can be honest about these things. I don't know when it all started, but I think it was when I was about 17. Our family had a lot of financial problems and my mom was very depressed. I turned to food for comfort and it was always a big secret. I was skinny at the time, so nobody knew, but eventually, it caught up w/ me! Ok, enough about me. Anyone else like me?
So true, I feel the same exact way. Maybe its just because we all want something we can't have, so we are still looking, looking, searching mmmmm this could get really deep
Before this round of weight loss I had come to the conclusion I'm a food whore . It doesn't matter what is near me when I binge, I'll eat anything... Stale Sugar Cookies, stale bread, melted candy bars just as long as it is cookie/cracker like.
Then I'm done eating that garbage I think I should have had something tasty.
Just like you have said sometimes even the stuff that should be tasty is a let down, and then you have to look for something else that tastes better. Then when it is all said and done, none of it was really that good. None of it was worth the calories an sick feeling.
I don't think I got quite that far with food, but I do with alcohol or wine to be more specific so I am trying real hard to cut it out altogether. Unfortunatly I can't cut out the food.
food oh my, it is on my mind all day and all night, I am always thinking what will I eat next or what will I eat tomorrow..does this sound crazy? And when I do eat it you are right it really is not what I am craving no matter how much I eat of it. It can be sweet, savory, salty does not matter. I could eat until I felt like throwing up and I get angry with myself but continue to want something more...something that will satisfy
sorry that was long but I get so frustrated to be like this, it just started with me about 5 years ago before that I led a normal life, thin, healthy etc and I can't figure out where it all changed
I have always heard that when we eat like this, it's because we're really trying to fill a part of ourselves that feels empty or like something is missing in our lives. People say it's because maybe we had some trauma, abuse or terrible stress. I do agree with this to a large degree. However, a lot of it, I think is because I just love food. I really, really love to eat. Also, I think some of it is the kid in me: I want it, I want it, I want it...that kind of attitude. When we're kids and we want some kind of treat, our parents are there to stop us when we've had enough, but now, we find ways to get it anyway and nobody can really stop us except ourselves.
I don't know what I'm trying to say. I guess I'm trying to figure it out and maybe if I can figure out some of the reasons, then maybe I can put an end to it. What if I tried to be more mature? When the kid wants it, maybe I can be the adult and say "no, you don't need that." But as you may know, sometimes the urge to binge has no logic, no voice. It's something that sometimes sneaks up on me without warning and before I know it, I'm binging and feeling guilty, so I just keep doing it some more. UGH!
The good thing is that since joining 3fatchicks, I'm doing SO MUCH BETTER. I just have to admit that I might never fully recover from this problem, but I can control it as best as I can. Thanks for reading my saga!
Luckymommy, I was a secret binger as a kid and it took me a lot of time, soul searching, and therapy to figure out what started me on this path of self destructive behavior. My family had financial problems too - there was never enough money for anything, and if came down to food or the electric bill, the electric got paid and we ate peanut butter and jelly for a week straight. Throw in a dad who insisted on living like a king while the rest of the family lived like paupers, and a mom who enabled the dad and it was chaos. So while he would eat Tbone, we ate marked down hotdogs. He would eat cubed steak, we ate fried egg sandwiches. He and mom got pizza, we ate leftover meatloaf. We were rarely allowed to eat the same food as him.
He would get "treats" (sweets especially) and IF he decided we were good enough, sometimes he would let us have a cookie or piece of cake. But he would go through the sandwich cookies and put two cookies with frosting together and we were allowed to eat the leftover sides. Without frosting. Same thing with cake. He would cut the cake in half sideways, taking the top half with the frosting. We ate the bottom, dried out half with no frosting. Always, food was a way to prove we were not as good as him, and I started binging as a kid. I would steal sandwich cookies with frosting, I would get into his pop (which he had marked with a sharpie to know if someone was drinking it) and refill what I took with water. It's devastating as a child to realize that your own parents think you're not worth a Little Debbie. It all got me started on a path where food was a way for me to prove this poor kid was just as good as everyone else, and by god, I deserve tbone and oreos like everyone else. And the more I need to prove this to myself, the more I eat.
Anyway luckymommy, probably too much information for you. In my case food has always been a gauge for my "worth" and it's hard to break this way of thinking. And it's bizarre that something from 25 years ago stays with you this long. Rereading this makes me look crazy, I'm not sure anyone else has grown up in this environment. Time to get back to therapy!
And thank goodness I don't have anything to eat here.
I think I'll jump-in on this thread ladies! Is there a connection between growing up learning about the relationship with food from our parents/elders? I grew up with a mom that was always battling her weight, but I'd wake up in the morning seeing a cake box or chip bag in the garbage - she was depressed & still is in a loveless marriage with an angry alcholic husband. I vowed to myself that I wouldn't "hide" food or treats from my kids once I had them (& now I have one that's 10yrs old). But you know what? I have caught him running to his bedroom with 2 cookies stuffed in his mouth & more in his pockets! I quickly tried to correct this "hiding" mentality & explained to him that if he ever wanted something to eat or a treat (we are careful now what comes in the house anyways so it wouldn't be too unhealthy for him) that he can ask us & not hide from us, because most of the time the answer will be yes, unless is close to dinnertime or something.
But as Dr. Phil says "how's it been working for you". There is no quick fix for me (I still binge eat, I have no control over certain foods ie. chips & dip, ice cream - but hopefully I can eventually recognize the right time to stop (I've been trying to stick with it & pay attention to & limit myself to the suggested portion size). Everynow & then though, if I'm bored or tired or anxious or all of the above, I'll binge. I'm learning not to beat myself up about it, because then it'll start a downward spiral of endless eating - what's done is done - I can't undo it, I just have to be prepared with healthier alternatives in the house 'cause if it's a matter of money woes - if I could find the $ to buy junk, I can find $ to buy healthy food.
It's a process & hopefully, my son will learn from watching a 'better' relationship with food than I did & God willing, the cycle will get broken. I learning that food is for us to enjoy eating while we fuel our bodies and on occasion, have a treat (because if it's everyday - it's not a treat is it?!) I am learning to eat to live NOT live to eat.
Wow...how cathartic this is. It's a shame that I can't be this open & honest with my family (& what a welcoming reception that that would be anyways LOL)
Be encouraged - fight the good fight (& it IS a fight isn't it - changing our lives, one day at a time). Stay strong,
Wow, this thread is exactly the stuff that I have been trying to understand about myself. I think every one of you hit a point I can totally relate to.
I used to call myself an emotional eater. Now though, after reading a few books about eating disorders, the term compulsive eater seems much more appropriate for me. I haven't been so much of a binger really, I eat mindlessy, for comfort and soothing. Hunger is irrelivant. I have been almost obsessed with food my whole life. I either restriced myself to the point of anorexia or overate to the point of big weight gain and then there were periods of bulemia in the mix too. In hindsight I can see that there was something going on in my life at those times, but I couldn't see it at the time. I definitly have childhood issues. But, we all have issues right? Mine are no more important than anyone else's. It's how we percive the damage we sustained from those experiences (I believe, anyway).
If anyone is interested there is a book I just finished called Beyond the Food Game by Jane E. Lattimer. It really was interesting. Basically, like Luckymommy said we are trying to fill avoid, and for some of us food is the drug of choice.
And as Chyrl said "how's it been working for ya?" that's the approach I'm taking this time. If I keep doing what I've been doing I'll keep on getting what I've gotten. Lol. This time I'm trying to loose the weight by doing more work in my head and heart. I've spent years...decades even, dieting and learning about nutrition and working out. But, I have not been brave enough to untangle the mess that is in my head. So, this time it's a new tactic. I want to work less on restraining myself and more on lessening the urge to eat. I don't know if that will work, but I'm hoping!
Thanks for all the honesty. It's really comforting when we know we are not doing this alone.
this is one of my first posts on 3FC, and i can already relate to much of what you all have to say. i suffered from anorexia and extremely restrictive eating for almost a year, and it took over my relationships with my friends and family, my work ethic, my ability to have fun and love myself, and who i was. now i am experiencing the other side of this situation where overeating and binge eating occasionally restricts me from doing certain things, seeing certain people, and enjoying aspects of my life OTHER than those related to food.
some days are better than others, but what i find helps me overcome my urges to binge on all sorts of junk is really thinking about what i am about to eat. think about the ingredients, the money wasted, the time taken to buy/prepare/consume the food, and the effort made to conceal the binge from others (because i too find myself bingeing only when others aren't present). it's not worth it!
i love 3FC so far, and am slowly learning to love myself again, too.
Excellent topic Luckymomma, and wonderful honest posts from the rest of you. I totally relate. I have gone throught different phases over these many years including anorexia as a teen. At one point I almost stopped the junk food, but was binging on really good food. Usually planning a binge extravaganza including my favorite pastas, rice, lobster, shrimp, BBQ, best Chinese (take-out though cuz I could hoover down 2 regular lunch specials easily) etc. Yes- it never satisfied the way I thought it would and usually I got too bloated to finish or enjoy it all. I really try to remember those feelings, to really "re-feel" them when the urge strikes. I started a little notebook journal a while ago where I first wrote down the 2 or 3 happiest moments in my life. Shock of shocks- NO food involved! I try to add to that and search out those moments. Things like getting together with old girlfriends and going junking, or sitting on my front porch and watching the Type A personality hummingbirds squabble over which one (and only one) can use the feeder that has 4 stations! Thank you all for sharing.
I can so relate!!! Every time I eat, it's like I'm rewarding myself for something (although usually there's nothing to reward!!!) I take such pleasure from eating good food, and I'm always thinking about what to reward myself with next!! It's such a vicious cycle, and I really hope it ends someday (although I think at this point it's more about taking control of the issue than any "cure")
I had a wonderful childhood, and was never really denied anything. The only thing I can think is that my parents used to take us out to dinner a lot as a "reward", so I probably picked up some of my habits from this. Even now, I don't get nearly as excited eating home-cooked food as I do going out to a restaurant (even though I might be eating the same things both places).
This is a great place for like-minded people to get together and talk about issues. Every time I read peoples' posts, I get motivated!!!
I can definitely relate to this.. anorexia, then binge eating.. I dont have much to add because I would just be repeating what everyone else has said. Having a plan for food definitely helps. Like planning your meals for the day so you dont have to be preoccupied with what you will eat and when. I am a secret eater for sure. This is definitely a result of childhood. But I guess we learn most of our life strategies in childhood. Good luck everyone.
I suggest reading books by Geneen Roth. She's great for this topic! She really helped me to get into my head and figure out what was going on. I'm not "cured" and I dont expect ever to be. I think not expecting to be perfect really helps ease the stress of it all.
wow, great thread. a lot of you have hit on points that sound like they could have been written by me. i won't restate things, but I'll just say that it's comforting to know that I am not the only one who has these feelings and issues with food! I hope we will all be able to find our ways through them.
Thanks everyone for all the posts. Nobody gave me too much info. On the contrary. Each one of your posts is so valuable and meaningful. I wish I could say that reading them makes my problem a bit less...problematic, but it doesn't. I just need to keep fighting the fight and maybe this is going to be one of the struggles in my life (definitely not the only one!), but maybe it makes me stronger, more compassionat, more humane? I'd like to think that I'm all those things even without problems, but maybe there's a reason for all this agony. Why in the world am I getting so philosophical? I have no idea. Sorry for the long post!
I notice that I still do this. Every Friday I let myself have a "treat" day where I can have something that wouldn't normally be on my eating plan. Usually I will eat something I've been craving earlier in the week, but whenever I am finished I am always a bit disappointed because it wasn't as good as I wanted it to be. And then I have to wait a-whole-nother week to get to that perfect food, even if I don't know what that is right now.
No food is good enough....
. It doesn't matter what is near me when I binge, I'll eat anything... Stale Sugar Cookies, stale bread, melted candy bars just as long as it is cookie/cracker like.
Rereading this makes me look crazy, I'm not sure anyone else has grown up in this environment. Time to get back to therapy!
LOL)
