40-Somethings - My Life is getting smaller as I get bigger, and I can't find incentive to change




Hermit Girl
08-19-2008, 09:55 AM
I know this is a common story, but I wanted to post anyway, because I need a bunch of group hugs.:hug:

I have gotten into fight with my husband over some insignificant thing, and it went straight toward the issue about my weight. Doesn't it always? ( Well, more like I pick the fights while he just lets it all roll off of his back and avoids confrontation, which infuriates me. ) I guess I cornered him into admitting to me in words what he has been saying with actions for years >>> that he isn't as attracted to me as he once was. :( :( :( He tries to comfort me by saying the weight is only a small part, but that he just feels older (he's 51). He works long days in construction, and has for over 30 years. (by the way, we built a house together, ourselves, took 6 years, and that hampered the romance greatly, and it seems that it hasn't really returned much). We have been together for 14 years, (he has grown children, I don't have any) I perceive him to be very apathetic in general, and more interested in sports and action movies than anything else, poor guy who works so hard doesnt have any energy left but to watch tv. The sports and action films I couldn't be less interested in. However, when we met I was a really fit bicycle crazed person, and we use to ride mtn bikes and kayak, and backpack, and go on fun adventures together, but I now that I'm so heavy, our adventures are few, and I know it's a huge disappointment to him. I just don't care to be the shining physically obsessed trail queen of my 30's forever, I want to find other interests, more mentally involved interests. He seems so preoccupied with all the fitness interests, and I am more with quilting, spinning/knitting, and gardening.... and cooking. I have even gotten back into performing music, which was my life before I met him.

Okay, so we have different interests, that's okay, even healthy, but I feel suddenly divided and out of control and that the fat is destroying my marriage and all aspects of my life. I am thoroughly injuring myself with this weight > physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I just can't see living the rest of my life this way. I would love to drop 45 pounds just to please him, and myself, but he has so little ability to notice or communicate praise (his biggest shortcoming) , and I am afraid that in the end I will thus be vulnerable to other men who notice me. I adore him, I do not want to leave him, I just want to find the sweetspot in our lives that seems to be missing because of the weight. I can't seem to find incentive to lose this weight even to make myself happy at least. I don't find much friendship these days in his general disinterest about me, and so I go to the food, and cooking, and a couple of internet penpals, the isolation and loneliness grows and the disinterest grows. It has got to turn around. I keep waiting for the shift inside of me to happen, to become determined, so the weight loss can happen, but I guess I'm just depressed and feel like a nobody because of my husband's lack of spirit toward me, and surely need somebody to believe in me.

I am going to twist his words around in my head , I know it, hearing that he is 'repulsed' by me, although I know that I am probably projecting on to him the fact that I am repulsed by myself. This is sheer craziness.


beth4365
08-19-2008, 10:49 AM
Hi Hermit Girl,

You've got a lot going on. And, I'm just some anonymous face on the net.

I guess a few things come to mind. I don't know if they're politically correct or not. But, they're honest, so I'm just going to try to put them out there. I'm in no position to judge and I'm not trying to. I'm just trying to say something that might be helpful.

To me, your guy doesn't sound so awful. We are all flawed. It's hard work to take care of a relationship. It takes two. You're upset with him because he's not doing his part to take care of your relationship. Are you doing all you can to take care of it?

As I read it, weight is only part of the issue. Attitudes and habits have slacked off over the years. I guess I wouldn't worry about being interested in other men down the road. I'd concentrate on loving myself and my husband today.

My guess is your husband isn't asking you to be who you were in your 30s. Make an effort. Watch an action movie with him. Fix a healthy meal for the two of you, but don't draw attention to it. Find small ways to make him want to come home. Find small ways to keep yourself motivated. Come here. Internet shop and find something that matters to you (for me it is those cute patent leather heels). Then, don't buy them until you've made and kept some goal. It doesn't have to be weight related. Maybe it means you reach out and attempt to make a new friend. Maybe you walk 5 out of 7 days. Maybe you make an apology that needs to be made.

Another thought occurs to me. And, it's the hardest thing for me to write because it sounds patronizing. Honestly, it isn't. It works for me.

When I'm in a place that I can't see the good around me.... then it's time for me to look for a way to think of others. School is starting. Take the staff a healty treat. Find a few books you love, but have more than one copy. Take the extras with you and leave them somewhere with a note for the finder to enjoy the books. On the web there is a site where you can track who finds your books. (You ask them to log their find at the website and then leave the book for someone else to find.) Buy some flowers for your dinner table. Put a small pot of basil in your window sill and love it. The idea is to look outward for ways to help, instead of inward where we continue to hurt ourselves with non-productive ways to help.

One other thing, I'll mention just about the weight. I can't say enough how much I'm enjoying this website and FitDay. I've learned so much in the last three weeks and I am so excited by it that I am certain that my life is changed forever.

Please stay strong. Look forward. Do something helpful for yourself or the ones you love.

Beth

Hermit Girl
08-19-2008, 10:59 AM
Thank you Beth ! I couldn't agree more with all that you suggest. I spend a lot of my days helping other friends (penpals I mentioned) get through their obstacles, and well, I just feel drained and needy I guess. Oddly, now that I think about it, the fight occurred last night with my husband (which I innitiated) after spending a whole afternoon nursing emotional wounds from a penpal going through a breakup. How ironic.

I think my husband is a wonderful person, even though he lacks expression of affection, and I hear you about taking the steps to show my love and appreciation toward him regardless, before I ask for it from him. I know that principle, it's just that sometimes we lose sight of our higher impulses. I know you understand. Thank you .:hug:


Hermit Girl
08-19-2008, 11:03 AM
I have made an observation about how I need a shift from within to happen so that the weight can come off. I figure I'm just too Zen in my middle age ;). I have grown away from vanity. This proposes a problem, as likely for many middleaged and mature women. My 'zen' is detachment from the weight. Vanity is at war with it. So against my mature nature, I have to get the vanity going, and ignore the zen. I know it's complex, but I think I've made a discovery about myself.

srmb60
08-19-2008, 11:31 AM
I'm not always very good at typing nebulous thoughts but I'm going to try. ;)

I believe one of the stages of a long healthy marriage is a change from both of you caring for young'uns to ... doing something else. I suppose it fringes on empty nesting.

While the children were young and needed care DH and I did this together. We cycled in and out of primary and secondary caregiver, support, co-support of each other etc.
As the children became more independent, we became less needed and had one less thing in common. And caring for children is a 24/7 endeavour. That's a lot of emptiness to fill. And in your case, your husband may be finding this differently worrisome from how you perceive it.

What's our focus supposed to be now? I, too, picked fights. I think I wanted him to tell me what to do with the rest of my life. Or what he expected of me for the rest of his life. Or what he was planning to do so I could come along :D

We're learning that we can be happy along side each other. We don't have to be doing the same things. DH often says "I just want you there." I read while the ballgame is on. I can knit in front of the TV. I've been to one of his games and a tournament. I don't like ball but the social environment is fun for a change.
I can't change him, so talking about eating and exercise ... I do here.

If you can imagine that our lives are revolving wheels .... ours overlap a little. The best I can do is respect that overlap, try to make it pleasant. If I'm happy, the overlap time is much nicer.
My outlook is like a transparent overlay of DH's (or vice versa) enhancing or clouding. Never independent.

I'd like to make a profound summary statement but it's all too ephemeral, this happiness thing.

WindyCityG
08-19-2008, 02:37 PM
Hello Hermit Girl,

I'm not an expert on such things, but if I may make one comment on your original statement, "I would love to drop 45 pounds just to please him...". Don't go on a weight loss program, just to please him. It won't work, I know this from experience. This is something you must do only for yourself and for your better health. Decide on losing weight, not just so you look better, but because you want to feel better.

Take things one day at a time and don't be afraid to ask for an ear to listen.

Hermit Girl
08-19-2008, 03:05 PM
SusanB ~ I have no children, though my husband has grown children. He has had the empty nest syndrome for a few years now I think, since we moved into our new house we built, where perhaps I felt just plain unimportant while he sulked (his kids both went overseas right after college). I have felt very immature feelings of jealousy about all the consideration his college graduates got , but that's by the by. I have had to face up to either loneliness in the relationship or loneliness outside of the relationship, and out of core optimism, I choose to stay. We have a 3 year old GermanShepherd now, and she's as close to a kid as I've ever had. I am a totally focused dog mom. :)

I think my husband is just disconnected from emotions , in general, whereas I'm so emotional , typical maybe yes, and I just have to accept that. I have a few friends who give me support, and that's good enough for now, though I'd rather my husband to be my best friend, it just seems that's too much pressure on him as I'm so emotionally high maintenance.

All that said, I know the weight is the big obvious problem, and makes me moody and dwell in low self esteem , which turns into anger which kills romance. Probably typical for mid-aged relationships.

Like you I have to find my own SweetSpot, just co-existing next to the husband, not expect our relationship to be the whole infrastructure of his/my life. I am a very passionate personality and crave romance and creative expression, whereas he's a practical hardworking guy, who doesn't want to talk, think, or worry about things when he comes home. I need to find other outlets. So, I've got the creative endeavors I feel compelled to do. I just feel so sad all of the time when I go to bed and he stays up late watching tv, so, I suffer the usual hurt and rejected feelings middle-aged housewives feel, probably all to common. :(

I appreciate the analogy of the revolving wheels, and to respect the overlap. I get that it's about being appreciative of what overlaps rather than resenting what doesn't. I need to change over . The anger and resentment and self pity are likely innate problems within myself, and though therapy has helped in the past, I need to just find tangible outlets to focus my passions toward. Craft and music are mine. I use to love to bicycle commute, and will do more once I lose weight and it is more enjoyable (we live on top of a mountain, not easy). I appreciate your effort to share and teach about your Bliss. Thanks SusanB :hug:

Hermit Girl
08-19-2008, 03:07 PM
Hello Hermit Girl,

I'm not an expert on such things, but if I may make one comment on your original statement, "I would love to drop 45 pounds just to please him...". Don't go on a weight loss program, just to please him. It won't work, I know this from experience. This is something you must do only for yourself and for your better health. Decide on losing weight, not just so you look better, but because you want to feel better.

Take things one day at a time and don't be afraid to ask for an ear to listen.I know better than to try to lose weight for another person, my mom always advised me to do such things only for myself, so I fully understand. I am fit , though fat, so I feel pretty good anyway, I just haven't found the surge of passion to be slender and fit. I know it will feel heavenly, and I am so close to feeling that shift within myself. It *does* help one hundred percent just to come on this forum and talk with you all about it. Thanks so much. :hug:

36Paws
08-19-2008, 03:36 PM
I have gotten into fight with my husband over some insignificant thing, and it went straight toward the issue about my weight. Doesn't it always?

I dont have much to say..... others have said it better, and while I am married we don't have kids..... so that is a bit different....

I just wanted to comment on this statement.....

My husband and I have been married for Thirteen years labor day and we have had our arguments.... although I can say we don't "fight" per say we do have an argument every so often.... usually because he doesn't think I help out enough around the house or spend to much money and usually he is right.....

BUT

in all of our years together, 18 total.... he has never ever ever once mentioned my weight.... and whats funny is the other day I commented about how I wanted to join the gym and that I needed to be careful so I didn't feel uncomfortable and he was like why would you feel uncomfortable? its like he doesn't even see it..... and that was shocking to me....

my husband on some level knows how sensitive I am about my weight and he must know that him mentioning it would hurt more than anything else.....

I think discussing weight in the context of a marriage is one thing.... he only mentioned it once in the course of a discussion about my health (after my very serious accident) and that was it.... never again.....

You're comment above makes it seem like you believe that saying hurtful things about someones weight in the course of an argument is normal..... and to be honest I don't think it is.... in my mind it's mean.... and it's meant to hurt....

just my two cents
s

Hermit Girl
08-19-2008, 04:04 PM
36paws ~ I guess I wasn't very clear that I am always the one who instigates the arguments, and when I say it always leads to the weight, I should have said that it is I who often targets it. I am the volatile confrontative one. My husband is very polite, and usually doesn't say anything if he doesn't have something nice to say. Not to say he's like your husband who seems to be attracted to you regardless to the point of seeming not to notice, I know mine notices and is disappointed in the fact that I've gained 50 pounds since he met me 14 years ago. It is in his actions. Actions speak louder than words in my philosophy. We were an activity oriented couple, into backpacking and mtn biking, and I know he admires the slender athletic outdoorsey woman, though he doesn't gawk at them or anything.

It's just me targeting the obvious issue, because ignoring the weight as a contributing factor to our disconnect, is like ignoring an elephant in the middle of the room. Just my opinion, not a matter of what is normal. Thanks for your imput :hug:

36Paws
08-19-2008, 04:42 PM
36paws ~ I guess I wasn't very clear that I am always the one who instigates the arguments, and when I say it always leads to the weight, I should have said that it is I who often targets it. I am the volatile confrontative one. My husband is very polite, and usually doesn't say anything if he doesn't have something nice to say. Not to say he's like your husband who seems to be attracted to you regardless to the point of seeming not to notice, I know mine notices and is disappointed in the fact that I've gained 50 pounds since he met me 14 years ago. It is in his actions. Actions speak louder than words in my philosophy. We were an activity oriented couple, into backpacking and mtn biking, and I know he admires the slender athletic outdoorsey woman, though he doesn't gawk at them or anything.

It's just me targeting the obvious issue, because ignoring the weight as a contributing factor to our disconnect, is like ignoring an elephant in the middle of the room. Just my opinion, not a matter of what is normal. Thanks for your imput :hug:

I guess I misunderstood what you said.... I am sorry.... so then my question for you is

are you sure it is the elephant in the room???? or even if you lost the weight would there be another elephant??? I think that weight can be the obvious .... and is an easy way to cover up other issues because it is right there.....but I guess I wonder if there are other issues that are really being hidden by the weight which is the easiest one to blame..... but really in a good relationship wouldn't really matter ..... I always think that when I see two 80 year old people walking down the street.... or my MIL and FIL who are older now.... they are not there because they find each other so incredibly sexually attractive.... there is something else..... that transcends beauty and weight.....

just my two cents

Hermit Girl
08-19-2008, 04:49 PM
36paws ~ Well, I guess for *me* the problem is almost entirely the xtra weight. Funny thing is, now that you've brought it to my attention, I *feel* completely unnattractive inside when I am overweight, so I percieve others thinking me unattractive, so it perpetuates... probably, good guess anyway. I have this saying that I love : "We see the world through our own eyes", meaning that how we feel about others and their perception of us, is mirrored by how we percieve ourselves. If I feel attractive = I *am* attractive, and so forth.

Perhaps the elephant that I'm ignoring is that I think I can accept it, live with it, but project on to my husband that it is unacceptable (and poor guy, he's just trying to eat his cheerios, and go to work...heh, heh). In short, yes, I agree, there's always much much more underneath the surface. I keep thinking when I feel the shift to acceptance about myself from within, and love myself without judgement, then I will feel it from the world, then the pounds will literally melt away because I won't need them anymore. How's that? ;)

So now, how to get that shift thingie going.... :hug:

36Paws
08-19-2008, 05:01 PM
ya know that lady that is a size 24 or 26 at the beach in a bikini????

I have always said that i wanted to be her..... I wanted to be so comfortable in my own skin that I could go to the beach in that bikini and not give two hoots what anyone else thinks.....

But shoot I was a size 4/6 at 5'9 and I couldn't wear a bikini comfortably.... I still felt fat and inhibited....

it's about us.... it's about us feeling comfortable because when we feel comfortable and attractive and sexy that is portrayed to the people around us.... and when we feel ugly and fat and unattractive that conversely is also projected....

seems like maybe the work is work you have to do.... and maybe that means going and buying clothes that fit and look good on you NOW and getting hair done, and putting on some make up and the things that make you feel good....

Hermit Girl
08-19-2008, 05:12 PM
36paws~ I was a 6 when I met my husband, race fit and riding with the men and beating some of them to the top of the trail. I am about a snug 14/16 now. I never have worn a bikini since I've known my husband, but that's not to say I wouldn't love to experience the liberation you talk about.

What you're saying about feeling comfortable vs feeling ugly, and projection, I think we're both on the same page, with slightly different words.

I just want to look and feel great without fashion and make-up, in fact, I can't even think of a single thing I crave in the way of a reward, but to fit back into my old medium gramicci drawstring pants. I was a size 6, but I'd even settle for size 10 now, happily, though I am vowing to buy only elastic waists now ;) (something I've learned in my mid-age humility) I don't need to flaunt looks, I just want to be dynamite healthy au natural. That's what my husband likes, anyway, which is good for me, because that's who I *am*.

It's true though, the work to lose the weight is daunting, and stay focused without vanity is very difficult.

36Paws
08-19-2008, 05:22 PM
36paws~ I was a 6 when I met my husband, race fit and riding with the men and beating some of them to the top of the trail. I am about a snug 14/16 now. I never have worn a bikini since I've known my husband, but that's not to say I wouldn't love to experience the liberation you talk about.

What you're saying about feeling comfortable vs feeling ugly, and projection, I think we're both on the same page, with slightly different words.

I just want to look and feel great without fashion and make-up, in fact, I can't even think of a single thing I crave for but to fit back into my medium gramicci drawstring pants. I'd even settle for size 10 now, even though I am vowing to buy only elastic waists now ;) (something I've learned in my mid-age humility) I don't need to flaunt looks, I just want to be dynamite healthy au natural. That's what my husband likes, anyway, which is good for me, because that's who I *am*.

It's true though, the work to lose the weight is daunting, and stay focused without vanity is very difficult.

my point is that whether its au natural or whether its heals and pantyhose that I personally have vowed never to wear....

sometimes i think it is easy for us to say
I won't get myself clothes that look good and fit right and make me feel good because I want to lose weight
and i think that is absolutely the wrong way to approach it ..... whether it be a haircut, or a new pair of jeans that makes you feel like you look good at the size you are now.... sometimes that is enough to give us the kick start we need.... because if we don't we just sink further and further into the not feeling good, and being sad, and being depressed about it... and feeling ugly and overwhelmed....

s

Hermit Girl
08-19-2008, 05:33 PM
sometimes i think it is easy for us to say
I won't get myself clothes that look good and fit right and make me feel good because I want to lose weight
and i think that is absolutely the wrong way to approach it ..... whether it be a haircut, or a new pair of jeans that makes you feel like you look good at the size you are now.... sometimes that is enough to give us the kick start we need.... because if we don't we just sink further and further into the not feeling good, and being sad, and being depressed about it... and feeling ugly and overwhelmed....

s Okay, I see your point about 'treating' one's self at any weight just to feel good. I believe I'm not as unattractive as I fear that my husband might think (he didn't say I am unattractive, but I think he's just being nice). Your take on this is throwing me a little, as I came to the 3fc forum because I want to lose 40 pounds, and am worried that I am even possibly flirting with middleaged health consequences. I wish to find cameraderie in letting the fat image go, not so much to embrace being fat. I agree with you that I am hiding in my fat image, and yet I am angry and frustrated about it obviously.... and well, going the other way towards accepting my mid-aged spread will not get the weight off. Maybe I just can't grasp the idea you are trying to convey.

36Paws
08-19-2008, 05:39 PM
i dont think that feeling good about yourself while you are losing weight is a bad thing.... and I am not in any way saying don't lose the weight.... there are many reasons to lose the weight.....

I dont think that
feeling good and losing weight are mutually exclusive

there is a thread in the exercise section I think or maybe its the clothes and shopping seciton that talks about buying great workout clothes because it helped the person feel good about working about..... thats my point....

feeling good about yourself and losing weight don't have to be two seperate things....

lose the weight for yourself..... because it is better for your health
because you will be able to do the things you enjoy doing ..... because you want to be able to shop wherever .....

and feel good about yourself at the same time.... and it is likely to be less overwhelming and less depressing....

and at the same time you may find that it is one step to feeling better about yourself and hubby...... while you are losing the weight

(oh and I am Deaf so sometimes I dont always exprss myself well in english)

s

yoyonomoreinvegas
08-19-2008, 05:50 PM
What's our focus supposed to be now? I, too, picked fights. I think I wanted him to tell me what to do with the rest of my life. Or what he expected of me for the rest of his life. Or what he was planning to do so I could come along :D

We're learning that we can be happy along side each other. We don't have to be doing the same things. DH often says "I just want you there." I read while the ballgame is on. I can knit in front of the TV. I've been to one of his games and a tournament. I don't like ball but the social environment is fun for a change.
I can't change him, so talking about eating and exercise ... I do here.

If you can imagine that our lives are revolving wheels .... ours overlap a little. The best I can do is respect that overlap, try to make it pleasant. If I'm happy, the overlap time is much nicer.
My outlook is like a transparent overlay of DH's (or vice versa) enhancing or clouding. Never independent.

I'd like to make a profound summary statement but it's all too ephemeral, this happiness thing.

Jeepers SusanB, that was pretty darned close to being profound ;) I think you were just a bit off on your "overlapping wheels" analogy though - sounds more to me like you guys have become more like the teeth on a set of gears - you circle around but always come back and mesh :o OK, sorry for the mush :o

I just don't care to be the shining physically obsessed trail queen of my 30's forever, I want to find other interests, more mentally involved interests. He seems so preoccupied with all the fitness interests, and I am more with quilting, spinning/knitting, and gardening.... and cooking. I have even gotten back into performing music, which was my life before I met him.

Okay, so we have different interests, that's okay, even healthy, but I feel suddenly divided and out of control and that the fat is destroying my marriage and all aspects of my life. I am thoroughly injuring myself with this weight > physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I just can't see living the rest of my life this way. I would love to drop 45 pounds just to please him, and myself, but he has so little ability to notice or communicate praise (his biggest shortcoming) , I adore him, I do not want to leave him, I just want to find the sweetspot in our lives that seems to be missing because of the weight. I can't seem to find incentive to lose this weight even to make myself happy at least. I don't find much friendship these days in his general disinterest about me, and so I go to the food, and cooking, and a couple of internet penpals, the isolation and loneliness grows and the disinterest grows. It has got to turn around. I keep waiting for the shift inside of me to happen, to become determined, so the weight loss can happen, but I guess I'm just depressed and feel like a nobody because of my husband's lack of spirit toward me, and surely need somebody to believe in me.
I am going to twist his words around in my head , I know it, hearing that he is 'repulsed' by me, although I know that I am probably projecting on to him the fact that I am repulsed by myself. This is sheer craziness.

Well goodness Hermit Girl, you are in quite a place there so we'll start with one of those :hug:s you needed.

I sure know what you mean about not caring to be the trail queen any more. When I was younger I went through a "thin" phase when I rode horses, and spent vacations backpacking, camping and fishing. Now that I'm in my 50s, the idea of sleeping in a tent and being poked in the butt by rocks all night has kind of lost it's appeal :D But, you know what, since I've gotten into better shape I've discovered that I really do still like the hiking part. I'm not up to scaling Everest or anything but I'm not as uninterested in the outdoors as I led myself to believe - goes to show you just never know.

I went through a similar patch with DH - we didn't build a house but we had a business together for almost 5 years. Then, right after 9/11, during that economic slump that followed we lost our 3 biggest (huge - 90% of our rather comfortable income came from these 3) clients in the space of about 2 weeks and, after a terrible struggle, had to close our doors. It was an amazingly stressful time where we spent almost 2 years after that losing everything and teetering on the brink of being out on the street. During that time, my self esteem went totally down the toilet and I spent (wasted really) a big chunk of my 40s sinking lower and lower until I barely had the energy to take a shower in the morning - I will have to admit there were some mornings when I didn't bother :o I was also getting fatter and fatter and wearing increasingly frumpy clothes. I felt like the ugliest, most unsexy thing walking the face of the earth. With that kind of attitude, it was no wonder DH wasn't terribly romantic toward me (and, poor guy, if he did make a tentative advance he got shut down). He also seemed totally out of touch with my feelings about being fat. I would mention that I was disgusted with myself and that evening he would come home with ice cream and chips ahoys :mad: I honestly began to feel that he was intentionally trying to keep me miserable. Of course, during all this, I was so buried in my own unhappiness that I wasn't able to see that he was hurting from having the business fail too. Mine was a financial security thing but his was a deeper pride thing that ended up being made worse because my depression was a constant reminder that, (in his mind) not only had he failed at business but he failed to make me happy. What he was seeing was that I appeared to be happy if I was stuffing my face with a chocolate chip cookie so, he brought me cookies to try and make me happy. Vicious circle.

I wish I could tell you what happened to make it change - If I knew for sure I'd bottle it and hand out free samples to 3FC members - but I do know it started with me. Instead of telling him how disgusted I was with myself (as though I was expecting him to fix it), I told him I was changing the way I ate. Period. I told him that I was going to be spending some time every day by myself working out. Period. We had a hiccup or two with him grumbling about the cost of olive oil, etc.; and he was pretty leery about the switch from Hamburger Helper to whole wheat pasta with fresh veggies and tomato sauce, but he got over it ;) And he adapted pretty quickly to having 45 minutes to an hour of watching his ball games without having me ask "is it over yet" :lol:

Once I got rolling and started to see results, I started to feel better, started to pay attention to my hair and nails again, and started dressing like a girl again. And an amazing thing happened, DH started to tell me he was proud of me! He holds my hand when we go out somewhere - even just walking from the car to the grocery store - and puts his arm around me - even when we are at home alone. The other day I was putting dishes in the dishwasher and he came in and grabbed me for a dance around the kitchen :love: After 18 years we're starting to act like newlyweds again. Can't wait to see what happens when I get to goal ;)

I guess the moral to this saga is that once I decided I was totally responsible for my own happiness, suddenly we were much happier together.

So, don't just wait for that shift inside you to happen - you go ahead and make it happen. Start small but start. We'll be here at 3FC to believe in you. Don't wait for your hubby to make you feel like somebody, be somebody for yourself and watch your hubby's interest spark ;)

I bet I know what you are thinking :D I know because back in January, I would have been reading something like this addressed to me and rolling my eyes thinking this person is totally unrealistic in her happy little world and has no clue what I'm going through. I would have been (was :o) able to come up with at least a dozen excuses why all this positive hooey wasn't going to work for me. I actually tried the first suggestion I got from 3FC members more to prove to myself that "I was right, this doesn't work" than because I thought it would help but you know what happened - it actually started to work! It's not easy, but if you take little steps, before you know it you'll be making big leaps. :hug:

k8t
08-19-2008, 05:54 PM
I think the advice you have been given is excellent. I would like to agree and offer....

1) Truly, the most attractice people I have every known are the ones who are joyful. It doesn't matter what their size is, people just seem to want to be around them because of how that person makes them feel. And attitudes can be changed more easily than waistbands. Pretend at first if you have too...but look for something to be joyful about right now and share it with your husband.

2) Something to consider....He may be dealing with some health issues,too. My lovely husband started doing many the things you noted and it turned out he was having thyroid problems and had high cholestrol...both of which can impact the sex drive. Other things can also impact it, too. You may not be the only who's body has been doing more changing than you like or want to admit.

3) I don't see a conflict with your wish to accept yourself, which I think is healthy, and your wish to be lighter...which I also think is healthy. You absolutely can accept the wonderful miracle you are as a person - there is no one else in the entire world like you and never will be again, and still want vitality and health. That is not simply vanity. You have a desire to enjoy life in all its facets. Don't be so hard on yourself.

4) I hope I don't sound overbearing or obnoxious here...I just know what I needed to do when I was in your place before I found some peace... How to get the shift thing going? I think you should forgive yourself for gaining the weight. You are in good company, and it is fixable. You are probably right that some of your weight might come off if you weren't as upset with yourself and your husband, but it may not all "melt away". And if it doesn't, that's okay too. A lot of times, weight that melts away quickly has a funny habit of coming back quickly. Who wants that?

Hang in there...You can overcome this, and you have a good source of support here. Do something small and playful today for you and your husband that has no other purpose than to make you laugh.

Here's a hug....:hug:

Hermit Girl
08-19-2008, 05:58 PM
i dont think that feeling good about yourself while you are losing weight is a bad thing.... and I am not in any way saying don't lose the weight.... there are many reasons to lose the weight.....

I dont think that
feeling good and losing weight are mutually exclusive

there is a thread in the exercise section I think or maybe its the clothes and shopping seciton that talks about buying great workout clothes because it helped the person feel good about working about..... thats my point....

feeling good about yourself and losing weight don't have to be two seperate things....

lose the weight for yourself..... because it is better for your health
because you will be able to do the things you enjoy doing ..... because you want to be able to shop wherever .....

and feel good about yourself at the same time.... and it is likely to be less overwhelming and less depressing....

and at the same time you may find that it is one step to feeling better about yourself and hubby...... while you are losing the weight

(oh and I am Deaf so sometimes I dont always exprss myself well in english)

sOkay, I totally get you. I appreciate all the support and ideas you've shared. Thanks so much ! :hug: :hug:

Yes, I should get out of my BackWoods Lumberjack self image , wearing husbands shirts while hiking because I don't want to spend money buying fat clothes. Oy. :dizzy: I do shop in thrift stores weekly for rare finds, so I'm not all that bad. I actually lost 23 pounds two summers ago, but gained it back because I went into 'acceptance' mode too readily. It's a confusing state of being, when a person is trying both the acceptance and pushing for change at the same time.

beth4365
08-19-2008, 06:06 PM
Hi Hermit Girl,

Wow... a lot of good stuff here.... *smile*

I've thought about you throughout the day, Hermit Girl. I hope to see you around! *tight hug*

Hermit Girl
08-19-2008, 06:10 PM
I guess the moral to this saga is that once I decided I was totally responsible for my own happiness, suddenly we were much happier together.

So, don't just wait for that shift inside you to happen - you go ahead and make it happen. Start small but start. We'll be here at 3FC to believe in you. Don't wait for your hubby to make you feel like somebody, be somebody for yourself and watch your hubby's interest spark ;)YoYo ~ THANK YOU, this is *just what I needed to hear/read ! :hug: I think I just need to get it hammered through my skull that I *can* do it, that it *can* get better, and that I *can* make my husband notice me again... more like I *will*.

yoyonomoreinvegas
08-19-2008, 06:16 PM
YoYo ~ THANK YOU, this is *just what I needed to hear/read ! :hug: I think I just need to get it hammered through my skull that I *can* do it, that it *can* get better, and that I *can* make my husband notice me again... more like I *will*.

Now you're talking! :carrot:

Hermit Girl
08-19-2008, 06:17 PM
Hang in there...You can overcome this, and you have a good source of support here. Do something small and playful today for you and your husband that has no other purpose than to make you laugh.

Here's a hug....:hug: Excellent post K8T, thank you! :hug: I think that yes, I have to forgive myself for gaining the weight. For some reason I mirror onto my husband that he is disappointed and it makes me hard to forgive myself. But, it *is* what it *is*... and I am human like the rest of the folks on this planet.

I will work on the attitude adjustment right away, stay positive, and even do something playful. LIke , I think I'll harness up the dog and go for another hike. Thanks a million:hug:

Hermit Girl
08-19-2008, 06:30 PM
Hi Hermit Girl,

Wow... a lot of good stuff here.... *smile*

I've thought about you throughout the day, Hermit Girl. I hope to see you around! *tight hug*Thanks, I really need the friends. :hug:

k8t
08-19-2008, 06:42 PM
I think I'll harness up the dog and go for another hike. Thanks a million:hug:

You go, girl...:dancer: Sounds like fun! Give your pup a pet for me.

hopefuldreamer
08-20-2008, 08:00 AM
I have made an observation about how I need a shift from within to happen so that the weight can come off. I figure I'm just too Zen in my middle age ;). I have grown away from vanity. This proposes a problem, as likely for many middleaged and mature women. My 'zen' is detachment from the weight. Vanity is at war with it. So against my mature nature, I have to get the vanity going, and ignore the zen. I know it's complex, but I think I've made a discovery about myself.


I don't think this is a bad thing. Like you, I have grown beyond the really petty vanity of my 20s. Thank heavens!! :cb: For me, I am realizing that I don't want to necessarily be "thin". I think that's unrealistic for me given my age/bone structure/etc... BUT... the weight is not healthy. I can already feel the stress on my joints (knees in particular), and I realize that I'm not doing myself any favors by staying large. For me, it's a question of loving myself enough to look after my health. It's not a question of vanity.

On another note, it sounds to me like there are a lot of issues in your marriage that may or may not have to do with weight. I have been married 18 years. We are overall pretty happy, but what we are today is completely different from what we were when we started out. We aren't crazed sex monkeys anymore, and that's ok, frankly. Both of us have grown and matured beyond what we were when we were younger. And that's ok too. I would say that we have not so much grown apart as grown parallel to each other in some ways, and closer in other ways.

Vanity isn't enough. Commit to yourself at a deep level.

hopefuldreamer

Hermit Girl
08-20-2008, 09:54 AM
Hopeful Dreamer ~ I appreciate your reply to that particular post of mine about the struggle between my acceptance and my vanity. I do have a difficult time with the vanity aspect. You're right about the health aspect being reason enough all on it's own, and though I am very fit and moderately obese (I climbed mt Whitney only 40 pounds ago) I have heredity cancer red flags that I must pay attention to.

Watching the Olympics last night, the women's running in particular, really tickled that old fitness vanity funny bone I have still. I was once really fit, though nothing like an olympic athlete, I was admired for my cycling ability amongst male friends even. I have to let that go.... or... am I just back into my Accepting the Forties Frumpy and my realm of possibility has shrunk to gratification about just having my body in tact, no disease, no missing parts, and no major aches. I mean, it's kind of an All or Nothing world I have lived in most of my life.

I know there is a middle ground somewhere in there and I am not in a rush to find it, yet after watching the Olympics, I felt the bar raised a bit. I am afraid of my grandiose thinking sabotaging, it has happened many times before. I have put way too much emphasis on what I percieve my husband to percieve me. It could be a psychological misformation since early childhood, about absent father figures, whatever,.... blah, blah, blah.... but who knows. All I know is that I have to STOP concerning myself with what I think my husband is thinking and have a real true committed friendship with myself. You wrote " Vanity isn't enough. Commit to yourself at a deep level. " and that resonates well with me. Thank you ! :hug:

Hermit Girl
08-20-2008, 09:59 AM
Still thinkinga bout what Hopeful Dreamer said about "vanity isn't enough , commit to yourself at a deep level". I have always struggled with commitment and discipline, I don't even know how deep that really feels. I don't know what it feels to be so secure in a decision that I *know* theres not a possibility for sabotage , doubt, or retrograde. I sure would like to know the trick to that.

hopefuldreamer
08-21-2008, 08:38 AM
Hi Hermit Girl,

(Love the photo, btw... is that your cabin??)

anyhooooo..... I'm glad you connected with what I wrote. I understand a little of that fitness vanity, but it doesn't seem to bother me like it used to.

Waaayyy back in the 80s, I actually did competitive powerlifting (NOT bodybuilding) but still, I was muscle-y and very fit. At that time, I weighed in the 150s, looked lean and strong. I was in high school and college at the time. In college, I gained 10 lbs and was mortified. Thought I was huge at 160.

Got married a few years later at 165, then another 5 lbs crept on before kids started arriving. Today, at over 200 (working on that) I weigh more than I did when I was 9 months pregnant with my first child.

When I was in college and 160, I thought I was gigantic. When I was married at 165 I was too busy to exercise and felt like an ugly frump. When I was 170, I felt as big as a house.

But... today when I look at the photos of those days, I don't see an ugly frump. I was really quite pretty and didn't look "fat" at all. How could I have thought so badly of myself? I realized then that perception is not necessarily reality.

Today, I realize that to try to get back down to my high school weight just ain't gonna happen, honey. It would be a vanity driven goal, and not a realistic one. Still, to lose 40 lbs would ease the load on my joints a lot, vanity or no.

This turned into a long ramble, but I hope you get my point. See yourself as the beautiful person you are. Love that person, and take care of her.

hopefuldreamer

Hermit Girl
08-21-2008, 10:33 AM
Hopefuldreamer ~ No that's not our cabin, just some internet picture, but it's cute, huh? I love the Foxfire life of the Appalachians, though don't live quite that rustic.

I know hindsight makes us much more wiser in the moment. If I could only be where I was when I first freaked out at 30yrs old, and lost 25 pounds ! I had no reference to know better. They say the body wants to gain past what was previous a high point, but I have this instinctive feeling it is mostly our brains that psychologically know what's safe and what isn't . For example. I weighed between 120 and 130 most of my late teens and at 26yrs I hit 130 lbs for the first time. Big diet time! You can bet I lost back down to 120 lbs (my absolute leanest maintanable weight ). THe years drift by and by 30yrs old, I'm up to 140 lbs. Sh*t hits the fan and I'm on a big diet again, and lose down to 120 lbs. But, this time, at 40yrs old, I hit 140 lbs and my brain knows that I didn't die before at that weight, even though I was upset the first time, and so I got a little too comfortable in the acceptance mode. At 44 I hit 175lbs for a day, freaked out, got incentive to lose 23... got too comfortable... slowly gained back. Now at 46yrs I have weigh 175 lbs again for most of the year.

I have a photo of me at 140 looking quite nice, and my best photo ever taken I was 130, and, I'm sure if I gained 50 more pounds I would think the photos of me now at 175 weren't all so bad. Essentially, I have made myself a learning curve that gaining weight is safe enough, nobody gets hurt. The weight comes on easier , in greater amounts, and it goes off with more a lot more effort. I think most of it is in the brain, is what I'm saying. Down to the brain's instructions to the body to store the fat. I dunno, I may be out on a limb, and certainly on a tangent, but it just makes me get perspective about how this weight gain thing works. Perception, it's all perception.

Now, to get ourselves to outsmart our own perception, with logic, is a real trick ! I think perception is emotional whereas logic is cold and unemotional. Logic does not usually motivate me to do anything, while perception rules my universe. I must gather the nice photographs and warm associations I had when I was in a productive and determined mindset, and try to emulate the life environment at those good proactive times, and avoid getting into depression and nibbling on piles of toast with gobs of butter. Now who's rambled ;)

Thanks ~ !!! :hug:

Hermit Girl
08-21-2008, 10:55 AM
Hopefuldreamer ~ Oh, I thought I'd mention to you maybe to try a chondroiton and glucosamine supplement for your joints. I have been taking Emergen"C" Joint Health (with 1000 mg vitamin c, 500 mg glucosamine, and 400 mg of chondroitin) , for about 4 months now, and swear I feel a difference. I hike most days with doggo, and my hips and especially feet go through tough times at this weight.

suenami
08-24-2008, 01:45 PM
Hermitgirl, your posts have really encouraged me! :carrot:

-Susan

dolphinlvr
08-25-2008, 01:58 AM
Hermitgirl:

First off here is a hug:hug:

woow I have read all the posts and there is some really good advice even your own. I would add not that i am an expert...you said your husband wasn't a talker. Most of them aren't unless it is about sports, cars, sex and food he he. Seriously though have you tried to talk to him about your feelings? How it makes you feel when he stays up all the time and you don't go to bed together. Ask him if just maybe 2 or 3 times a week that you go to bed together. That you miss that. All my friends who have been married for years will always said to me communication is a key to a good marraige.

You did not mention if you have a TV in the bedroom. We do and it helps us both fall asleep together. This way you two can be together even if it isn't always quality time. If the TV bothers you, put in earplugs or get him wireless headsets :D. It works for us and some of our friends. Of course there are always times when we don't go to bed at the same time or we want to watch different shows and that is okay.

Girl I would love to be 175 lbs. to me that isn't alot of weight but then again I am 5' 6".

You sound alot like the old me always helping others but neglecting my own needs. I don't do that anymore, not that I am not there for my firends and family I am but I also make sure I take care of me, fulfill my needs. Go out and buy yourself something nice. You deserve it! Celebrate you!

One other thing, it's impotant to love yourself and do this for you and nobody else otherwise it won't work. I was in denial for along time about my weight and then when I finally did try it wasn't working at first but now it is working and I am doing it for me, for my health and my poor knees (abused them too much when i was younger) they can't take all the weight I have put on and they are letting me know. My husband will just get the added benefits!

Hang in there lady and know we are in this together and your TFC girls are there for you. :carrot:

P/S I will put you in my prayers tonight!

Karen

Hermit Girl
08-25-2008, 09:52 AM
Klmetz~ Thanks for the :hug:

Yes, communication must happen, and though I communicate *often* it seems as if my DH just either doesn't allow much of it to affect him, out of principles and stubborness, or, he doesn't remember. I can never really know. I am just not going to beg him anymore to change for me. He must be who He Is, and I must be who I Am, and whatever happens , will happen. I know how horribly obsessive I have potential to be, and I just don't want to go there. The book of Tolstoy's , "Anna Karenina" comes to mind... oy.

So far I am just trying to think of other things to do to occupy my time/passion/interest. I've gotten into quilting, I am playing music again in a band, I have a garden, a spirited young German Shepherd dog, a spinning wheel and pounds of fleece to spin and things to knit, and a beautiful mountain home that DH and I built together (really built ourselves !) . It's just got to be that I stop needling him for attention and affection. It could be that I am assuming he is disinterested, then out of bitterness , push him into disinterest. A very yucky place to be stuck. You can't ask someone to want to be with you, or to be attracted to you, or to love you. All these things that we use to have, I must just work on myself ~ physically, emotionally, mentally, socially, and spiritually~ and if the romance and attraction comes back, then great. If not, well, we'll see what I can get going to replace it in life. The prospect of playing out in a band is really fun and a big incentive to commit to myself with the weight. I just hope that soon I will stop obsessing over the Good Old Days with DH, and let Now and Future happen without a lot of complaining on my part.

How does that sound? THere's a saying "If you love someone , let them go" and in a way, that's what I must do with DH in order to salvage my self esteem. There's no way he is going to be attracted to me when I act angry and hurt all the time that he's not. It's a vicious cycle I need to extract myself from. I need to stop looking to him for approval, and start some serious inner self respect, and turn my weight problem around. I know the answers, just implementing them is the trick. JUst like you say, when the changes in weight start to happen, everything is going to get better. Thanks a whole lot ! :hug:

dolphinlvr
08-25-2008, 03:35 PM
I already see a change in your feelings and thoughts since the start of these posts. Looks like you got it under control and have a great outlook on this whole situtation. I can tell you are a fighter and survivor and no matter what happens you will get through this. of course we are always here for support.

What kind of band are you playing in? I always wanted to be a singer. I do karaoke once and awhile and people tell me I have a great voice but now I think I am to old to do anything about it. For one I don't have the time and I am scared to be in front of a big audience. Thought about auditioning for Don't forget the Lyrics cause it might give me that moment of stardom plus I know alot of songs. I always play online and get through the whole thing. I've got the Application but it is way too long and complicated right now for me to think about...first things first. Let's focus on the weight issue and all other things will follow. I think that will be my motto for now. I'm rambling...I'll stop now.

Have a great day!

Karen

Hermit Girl
08-25-2008, 03:42 PM
Klmetz~ Actually, I don't have near as much confidence in reality as I may appear in writing, as I write from a more cerebral place. I think I started this thread in a real depression mode, so I can admit, the mood changes everything in the way of outlook and approach.

I play mandolin in a celtic-bluegrass fusion band, really just starting to sit in with them now. I don't have the guts to sing. :D

dolphinlvr
08-25-2008, 04:15 PM
celtic-bluegrass fusion band...how interesting. I love celtic music and some bluegrass. Never thought about the two together. Have you ever seen the Celtic Woman shows. I have gone to two shows and watch them on PBS al the time and have their CD's. Listening to them is like being in another world.

rmc9142
08-25-2008, 04:51 PM
Hi all! I'm brand, spanking new to 3FC, so I hope it's ok to just drop into the conversation. And what a great conversation it is; so much great stuff to consider.

Yes, communication must happen, and though I communicate *often* it seems as if my DH just either doesn't allow much of it to affect him, out of principles and stubborness, or, he doesn't remember. I can never really know. I am just not going to beg him anymore to change for me. He must be who He Is, and I must be who I Am, and whatever happens , will happen. I know how horribly obsessive I have potential to be, and I just don't want to go there. The book of Tolstoy's , "Anna Karenina" comes to mind... oy.

Reading through all your posts brought one thing to mind: I believe that some men are just hard-wired differently. I want, sometimes need to talk about things, while my husband is pretty laid back and usually just goes with the flow. So, I may sometimes perceive that there's an issue that he's not paying attention to, when in fact, he never even noticed the issue. I've also learned that he's content to do his own thing, unless I make a point of saying/asking otherwise. For example, he would golf 24/7, if work, the kids, and/or I didn't tell him otherwise. Used to be, I took his inclination to always golf as a lack of interest in me and it really hurt. Turns out, he's open to doing anything/everything else I plan, he just doesn't think to take the initiative to plan it himself.

It's also his nature to be less expressive than I. So, after I tell him how proud I am that he's gone for his evening run after working all day, I pause while he says nothing, then I add, "And I know you're proud of me for getting in my evening walk today when I really didn't want to go!" Then, he falls all over himself to congratulate me, both of us knowing he'll forget to give me kudos after tomorrow's walk. While he may not say it all the time, I know he's proud and supportive because he's out there with me every evening. I guess my point is, you may not be able to change your husband, but you can change the way you respond to him. It took me a long time to not always feel slighted, but I think the turning point was when I accepted that, chunky or not, I'm a good person, good wife, and good mom and I deserve to be treated as well as I treat others. You are too!!

Wow, I'm pretty chatty for a newbie - sorry about that! I'm just really happy to have found this place. :D

Hermit Girl
08-25-2008, 07:08 PM
>>> I guess my point is, you may not be able to change your husband, but you can change the way you respond to him. It took me a long time to not always feel slighted, but I think the turning point was when I accepted that, chunky or not, I'm a good person, good wife, and good mom and I deserve to be treated as well as I treat others. Perfect ! Thank you so much, I really related to what you have to say. :hug:

hopefuldreamer
08-26-2008, 08:10 AM
Thought I'd toss in a few thoughts on the husband topic. I understand!! It's really rare to find a man who is a good communicator, and even more rare is one who is in touch with his own feelings. It's (in part) just a biology thing. Their brains are just wired up differently than ours. But it's also a cultural thing. I see my sons starting to put up the masculine wall (tough exterior) to the world. We've talked about it, and I've encouraged them to stay open to each other. The world expects men to be tough, and the competition between males makes it difficult for them to admit any weakness.

Anyhow... husbands!!! Yikes. I've been married for nearly 19 years, still going strong. But... he is not my whole world. I have friends independent of him (like the group here), and have travelled without him (and he without me). I have projects and interests that he is not a part of, and he has his own interests too. We share 3 wonderful kids and a darn good marriage at least in part because we are whole individuals first and a couple second.

I think you should cultivate yourself. Your interests, your dreams. Then share that with him. Be open, but don't expect a lot of girlfriend-like support from him. Come to your girlfriends for that!!

:hug:

hopefuldreamer