Weight Loss Support - SO's & guys we date - supportive or not of the weight loss, loose skin?




Naia
08-18-2008, 08:33 PM
I was wondering how everyone's SO or if single, their boyfriends/new dates, have reacted to the weight loss (and loose skin that comes with it) ?

Have they been overall supportive and a help, or not supportive and afraid of the change, or toooo supportive and go all super-trainer on you 24/7? Anyone receive ultimatums? Or go through a relationship upheaval due to weight loss/loose skin alone?

I've been dating a guy for over 4 years, and while he's supportive and loves the weight loss... but he's sometimes too supportive. If you know what I mean. Like, gets mad at me for not being super gung-ho obsessed with diet and exercise. And he's given ultimatums. He is disturbed by the amount of loose skin & cellulite. Sometimes he looks up things I can do to get rid of loose skin & cellulite and tells me the treatments. Other than that, he's very loving and supportive :dz:

He says he thinks I'm the one for him and that he loves me, and while sometimes he's attracted... a lot of times he's a little grossed out. He wants to spend his life with a "normal" looking girl. I know, it doesn't sound so nice, but how can I blame him when I can see exactly what he's seeing? It's not a pretty picture. He says he wants my outside to be beautiful so that it reflects the beauty inside, so that everyone can see what he knows.

I think he's rather selfish & shallow, but overall he's a nice guy. Even if what he says sounds horrible, he's really not a horrible person. I've never told anyone (friends, family, etc) how he feels, because I know if I told anyone that he doesn't want to get married until I've lost weight and had plastic surgery to remove loose skin they'd think he was awful. But no one can really understand, except those of us who have the weight to lose, or have lost weight. Regular people just don't know what it means to know you're a good and worthwhile person, but still know that your skin looks disgusting. I think if I was just large, but firm and smooth skinned, it wouldn't be such a big issue. It's that my skin is all cottage cheese and loose and hangs... and I still have 60 pounds to lose.

Right now I'm 36 and single, and have never had kids. We've been dating for over 4 years, and I just feel like.. if I'm ever going to get married and have kids I'm going to have to do it soon. I'll be too old to have kids in just a few years. I want to lose weight for me, not him. But I agree with him that the loose skin is kind of yucky. But, as someone told me the other day on my blog... if I decided to get skin surgery it has to be for ME too, not for him. Even if he tries to tell me that if I loved him, I would do these things for him.

I was just wondering if anyone else has gone through this with their guy, or what they did go through with their guy. It would be lovely if all SO's & guys we date were supportive and loved us just how we look, but I know that doesn't happen all the time. If it did happen and you have a good story, I'd love to hear that too!


Mom2QJandT
08-18-2008, 08:54 PM
You are absolutely beautiful. Please, don't settle for someone that doesn't appreciate you because you feel like there's a time limit on the things you want out of life. Remember, even if he's one in a million that means that there are about 7,000 more out there just like him ;)

I'm 32, also single (divorced actually), but I've had three kids. I promise you that my skin is 100 times worse than yours. I've never had trouble attracting men and I have a boyfriend that thinks I'm sexy even in my skin. No one can tell you what you need except for you, but from the outside it sounds like you need someone that is a little less shallow.

There's a Taylor Swift song called "Tied Together with a Smile" I'd suggest you listen to it. Your post made me want to hug you.

CountingDown
08-18-2008, 09:04 PM
:hug: Oh, my - without writing a book in response, I would tell you to seriously consider all that you have written. Save it, and go back and re-read it with fresh eyes. If a friend came to you with this same problem, how would you respond?

For me, I would not want to be with anyone that did not love me unconditionally. Regardless of what I looked like. Anything less would be a recipe for trouble down the road. My DH has been a GREAT cheerleader throughout this journey. He never once commented on my weight when I gained it. He allowed me to be selfish with my time, when I needed to step away from family activities and devote time to exercise. If I'm not hungry, he makes his own meals (he already does 50% of the cooking anyway). He adopted my eating plan, and ended up losing 50 lbs. with me :) He has always acted in ways that show me that he finds me desirable, even when I feel my worst.

Anyone that would want me to have surgery to look better, is more interested in being with eye-candy than with supporting someone that they love. I hope you do some soul searching and don't "settle" for less than you deserve.

Time is not running out. Several of my friends had children in their 40s. But, that being said, do you REALLY want to waste time with this guy? Will he want you to get other procedures as well? Anyone that uses the "you would if you loved me line" needs to grow up. He sounds like a teenager trying to take advantage.

You look beautiful in your picture. And most saggy-baggy skin can be handled with great undergarments (trust me on this one). Please read Meg's sticky (http://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/showthread.php?t=36040) on skin issues. Surgery is not for the faint-hearted. You will have scars. It will take a LONG time to heal. You should never have it, unless you are 100% sure that you want it - for YOU!


JulieJ08
08-18-2008, 09:07 PM
He says he wants my outside to be beautiful so that it reflects the beauty inside, so that everyone can see what he knows.

There's something strange about that reasoning. I mean, are people unable to see your inner beauty when you're fully dressed?

ladybugnessa
08-18-2008, 09:18 PM
gets mad at me for not being super gung-ho obsessed with diet and exercise.

he's given ultimatums.

He is disturbed by the amount of loose skin & cellulite.

a lot of times he's a little grossed out.

He wants to spend his life with a "normal" looking girl.


I think he's rather selfish & shallow,

he doesn't want to get married until I've lost weight and had plastic surgery to remove loose skin

I went through similar things with my ex husband.

Listen to me. Carefully. Not only do I have a degree in Psychology I have BTDT.

This man is abusing you. emotional blackmail is abuse.

what happens when you get married, get pregnant, grow more fat, get stretch marks, big leaky saggy boobs and your skin pigment changes (all these things happen normally in pregnancy)? do you think he will stay?

You are young and beautiful (unless that is not you in your avatar) and you do not need to take the abuse this man is heaping on you.

happeningf
08-18-2008, 09:26 PM
Dude, your bf sounds like an ahole.

kaplods
08-18-2008, 09:35 PM
The thing is I've never met a horrible person - and I was a probation officer. Even child molesters and murders aren't "horrible," they are "regular" people with very good traits as well as very bad ones. You can talk yourself into accepting any bad behavior when you justify it with "he's not a horrible person," because they never are. It's why the neighbors always say, "he was such a nice guy."

Whether he's horrible or not, someone who is that controlling is going to be horrible to live with. "He's just being honest," is a bunch of crap, because if someone loves you, they leave that kind of garbage unspoken, even if they think it for an instant or two - or more. Love is not unkind.

You want a "for better or worse," kinda guy, don't you?

As others have said, this behavior is abuse, pure and simple. And it doesn't seem to be borderline, where I would suggest counseling. This isn't a guy who is accidentally hurting your feelings, he's doing it on purpose. This is NOT likely to change, and there are plenty of "not-horrible, nice guys" out there who will not do this.

KLK
08-18-2008, 09:50 PM
I agree with what everyone else has said: Rethink this relationship. I know that men and women are sometimes either attracted to how someone looks, or not, and some of that can't be helped/argued, etc. But... if someone needs to majorly change how they look, lose a massive amount of (more) weight AND have cosmetic surgery, to make their partner happy, something is wrong. I'm not going to say, "He should love you no matter how you look" bc really, he has no obligation to change his preferences/attractions, etc. BUT you have even less of an obligation to lose weight and have surgery just to get him to marry you/really "love" you. I'm sorry, but you can do better than that!

I am not one to throw around the word "abuse" with wild abandon, BUT I really, seriously think he IS emotionally abusing you here, or at least emotionally manipulating you. Think about it -- he's playing on your insecurities, your body issues, your age, the fact that you want to get married (I'm assuming, based on what you wrote), to control you, make you feel inferior and unworthy and TO MAKE YOU CHASE AFTER HIM (isnt that what you'd be doing, if you lose all this weight and have surgery to make him happy?). You can say you want to lose weight and have surgery to make yourself happy, but really that's not how you come off above. I mean, Im sure you DO want to lose weight for yourself, but not with this kind of pressure.

Personally, based on what you wrote... I have a feeling that even if you got down to 120lbs AND had skin surgery, he'd find some other reason that you aren't good enough, some other reason that you need to scramble to get him to love you. Maybe I'm wrong; I'm sorry to rag on your boyfriend, bc I'm sure he does have some good points, but reread what you wrote above... he's playing a mean game with you.

Personally, I met my fiance at approximately this same weight and size and I told him about my weightloss pretty early on. It's never been an issue for him (and I do have some of the issues you described above), but it was an issue for ME during the early part of our relationship and to this day, I sometimes wonder how he could find me attractive. But he does.

I know I cant really talk to you about this, as I'm 24 and getting married in like 8 weeks, BUT I would never, ever, EVER consider marrying a man who puts those kinds of conditions on loving me, I don't care how much I want to be married -- bc really, that is PRECISELY what he is doing. He's fond of you and you're fine to date, but you aren't good enough until you make these pretty massive and PHYSICALLY PAINFUL personal changes (cosmetic surgery hurts!). That's some bullsh*t if you ask me.

If he proposed tomorrow, I wouldn't say yes if I were you -- if he's an emotionally abusive boyfriend, he will be an emotionally abusive husband.

But to answer your actual question: my fiance isnt involved with my weightloss, which is how I prefer it. We will sometimes exercise together, and I keep him updated on how much I workout and stuff, but I would resent him trying to direct or coach or force my weightloss. I've told him at this point that while I do want to lose more, it might not be possible; I keep plateauing at exactly this size. I am firming up and strengthening bc of all my strength training, but I may NEVER be 140lbs. I told him this, and he doesn't care; he just wants me to maintain and workout and eat healthily.

ann1
08-18-2008, 09:56 PM
I am sorry you are going through a rough time. The loose skin can be an issue. I can see why you want to make the best of things with your boyfriend - someone you have invested 4 years in. However, like the other posters have said - this really is emotional abuse. If you have kids, it is more than likely your skin will undergo even more changes.

You yourself said "I think he's rather selfish & shallow, but overall he's a nice guy." Yes, most guys are superficial, looks oriented people. BUT, if this person truly loves and cares for you - they would try to be more understanding. You have done nothing wrong. You are taking control of your health. And as far as surgery - I am not knocking anyone who does this - BUT - there will be scars - and it sounds like he is the type of person who would not like the looks of those either. Don't settle - you are a pretty person - don't sell yourself short. I am older and was heavier than you. The skin issue does upset me as I have it myself. I will just keep trying to tone and lose weight. If the world is so full of shallow people that cannot handle it (and sadly I think a majority are like your boyfriend) then so be it. Stay strong and be proud of all you have done for your health and life!

mollymom
08-18-2008, 10:08 PM
I got engaged in my mid thirties because I was experiencing the "OMG I am in my thirties and I had better hurry up and get married" jitters. Two years later, after being miserable from the demands, the 'I am saying it for your own goods', the "should you eat thats" and the "we don't have sex because I am not attracted to you anymore" (and I weighed about 40 pounds less than I do now), I broke it off. BTW I also said to him that when he got out of the shower he must not have been able to see himself due to the steam and not wearing his glasses because he was no Mel Gibson himself! I thought if he isn't going to love me as I am, what can I expect in the future? More criticism? (nicely disguised as concern for my wellbeing)!

I can't write the happy ending for this that will make you feel encouraged ...you know...the fairy tale that I found Mr. Wonderful and got married and had children and live in the cottage with the white picket fence, but...I have never ever let a man make me feel bad about myself since. AND I do have the cottage with the picket fence...completely paid for by me, a job, friends, gardens, pets, books, my painting, and last I heard he declared bankruptcy and his family wants nothing to do with him!

You had better read your post carefully woman! If you are feeling this way now, and trying to justify his actions, are you willing to continue to deal with the self-doubt, the feelings of conditional love if you meet his expectations? I wish you luck . We can't tell you what to do, but by posting in the first place....you already are wondering :hug:

RNmomof5
08-18-2008, 10:11 PM
I personally would have serious reservations about wanting to be with someone whose love for me was conditional of my looks. My husband has never said anything negative about my loose skin, and trust me, after five c -sections there is plenty of it. I know I can speak for myself and him and say that we prefer my new,saggy body verses my old ,unhealthy, obese body! I, like you, am super self consious regarding my skin, but it really seems to not bother my husband at all. BTW He knows he is not physically perfect, and has flaws himself. Who dosen't? If you did get the skin surgery, then God forbid, but get into an accident or get burned in some sort of fasion, how would he feel then? Would he not be able to be with you then? (I know these things are not probable, but being an ICU nurse, I see these things quite often.) Plus, as we age, face it we are not always going to have beautiful,perfect skin. I think the skin surgery would fix the problem on a superficial level only. It sounds like the problem is deeper than your skin. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure he is a nice guy, but I think you should find someone who loves you, and wants to be with you, and is proud to call you his wife regardless of your weight, skin, hair color or any other physical feature. Think about it, when you are 85 years old, it won't matter what either of you looked like in younger years, but what will matter is if you spent your life with a person who really, truely loves you. Also, I agree with the other poster who told you that said you are not running out of time. My best friend had her 3rd baby at 40, and at 42 will be trying for baby #4. I also know of several other women who also had babies in their 40's. BTW, you look like a beautiful woman in your picture. I'm sure there are lots of people out there who can see both your inner and outer beauty. Good luck!

chickybird
08-18-2008, 11:08 PM
Good grief, you look like a total hottie! Is your bf blind?
I'm sure he is a nice guy, but he needs to know that he has to love the total package. Remind him that he may have physical/personality traits you don't like, but you love him anyway: body hair, pimples, thinning hair, gray hair, ugly toes, big ears, etc (I'm not saying your bf has these things, I'm just trying to list examples!!!)
Read what you wrote, and pretend you are giving advice to a close friend or a a little sister. What would you tell them?
Good luck! I know we don't know the whole story, and you're brave for posting all this.

jimaterry
08-18-2008, 11:17 PM
What happens if you lose the weight, have the surgery, get married, then something catastrophic happens ? psoriasis, excema, burn in a fire, amputation??? i know those are extremes, but if he cant love you unconditionally now, how can he later after you have had two kids if something bad happens? it will be harder to be single then than it is now... my advice, for what its worth, love yourself, respect yourself enough to Demand unconditional love.. from your post that is what you give him.. you love him even tho he picks you apart... NEVER accept less than you give.. its a road to disaster...
good luck hun.. :hug:

everanderson
08-18-2008, 11:30 PM
I read through your post, then read through it again. I read it for the third time and noticed what wasn't there - that he loves you for who you are and that he makes you happy.

I suspect that by you posting, you already knew that your relationship might not be the healthiest - we can give advice and recommend paths to take, but the decision is ultimately up to you.

You said "It would be lovely if all SO's & guys we date were supportive and loved us just how we look, but I know that doesn't happen all the time." - this makes me want to cry for you because you sound as if you don't think you deserve to have unconditional support and love. I hope you can realize that you're worth it and that you deserve him - but just ask yourself....does he deserve you?

Naia
08-19-2008, 03:42 AM
You guys all gave me so much to think about. I really thank each one of you for caring and your replies - sometimes we are just too close to a situation to see it for what it is, and it's eye-opening to see it through another person's opinion. I want to write everyone back, but feel like it would turn into such a long post that no one would be able to make it through!

So I just want to say, I agree with all of you who pointed out what my reaction would be if a friend or sister came to me with this problem. I would be telling her what you all've just told me. Everyone in my life would be so surprised if I told them the real reason we've never moved our relationship forward. I guess that's why I have never told any friends or family, and maybe why it felt safe to share it here, where no one expects me to be the strong, centered person who everyone else comes to for support. I really don't know how I came to this point. Where did the rebellious, feminist, independent, woman's study major go?!

Maybe he's like my human version of french fries. I know in my heart I need to give them up and that they're bad for me, but when they're good they're just so good.. but when they're bad (cold!!!) they're the worst. I need to remember that cold, mealy taste even when they're sitting piping hot in front of me.

I do need to do some soul searching, and really re-think the relationship. He does not make me happy. At least, not most of the time. I can't believe I didn't realize that until you asked. He makes life like walking on eggshells. Sometimes wonderful, sometimes a train wreck. Not just for me, just in general, he's an emotional rollercoaster.

I can't keep justifying-- I realize that is what I'm doing, after reading all your posts. He does say awful things, but once he gets them off his chest he's good again. Like a child throwing a tantrum. And maybe that's how I've been able to take it, I keep thinking he'll grow up. I don't give into the tantrums and don't agree with the ultimatums. I'm calm and tell him if he really feels like that then we need to take time apart. But every time he's back and nice and apologizing within a few days, so we slide back into the relationship. Foolishly, I think each time he's accepted things how they are, but a few months later it's a big blow-out again. And don't I *know* what an issue this is for him?! Last time, when he told me if I were thin we'd be married already, I told him, "no we wouldn't, because I wouldn't have said yes!" He's supposed to work on being less of an emotional rollercoaster, and I'm supposed to be working on my weight. But there's no way I can say anything about whether or not I'll get surgery. I just don't know if I'll want that until I'm at that point, and I refuse to think about it until I've been at my goal weight for at least 9 months, if not a year.

Still, you're all right. I'm justifying his bad actions. If he's like this now, will he ever be satisfied? Will it always be something else? I've asked him this before, and he swears all he wants is for me to look normal, but that doesn't assuage my fears. Do I really want to commit to this for life? And if we had children, what would he be like to them?

I think I brought this up here because I needed to know if other people went through this, and what they did. And also, to hear that there are good guys out there who have loved and supported and accepted you all for who you are.

Maybe I live in the wrong place. Los Angeles is just not the place to meet people who are accepting. A lot of them seem to want.. no, seem to think they're *entitled* to what they consider the "whole package". You must be smart, talented, successful, beautiful and sweet. I'd say they were living in a fantasy world... but this is LA. They are.

It probably doesn't help that the bf is an actor, has a triple engineering degree, is the only son of a doting mother, and is 40 and still a bachelor... I really thought since he treats his mother so well, he'd be a good guy. Turns out though, that his mother will do anything for him. Want a cup of coffee? water? soda? Want me to wash your clothes? Want me to bring you a footstool? And... I'm serious.... do you want me to make you dinner separate from what *everyone* else is eating? She does all those things. Sorry. There I just had to vent. She's nice, but do you not know when you're ruining your son?! I've had to teach him that, no, I will not bring you coffee every morning. Sometimes, you must get up and get it yourself! He was affronted the first time I did not assemble his hamburger for him, and told him the condiments were right there, help himself. He's learned these simple things, but I guess I can't expect him to learn unconditional love. You either have it, or you don't. I'm just a little afraid, that like french fries, I'll never be able to completely say no.

Anyway, I just really appreciate all your comments. You've made me feel very cared for, and I can't tell you how good that feels at this point. I think it's time for me to really evaluate what's going on.

Just two PS's:

Mom2QJandT - I listened to that song you recommended, and I couldn't believe how much it felt like it was just for me. Thank you so much!

KLK - Congrats on your engagement and upcoming marriage! I'm happy you found a good one!!!

ladybugnessa
08-19-2008, 09:11 AM
Maybe he's like my human version of french fries. I know in my heart I need to give them up and that they're bad for me, but when they're good they're just so good.. but when they're bad (cold!!!) they're the worst.

Beautiful analogy.

He does not make me happy. At least, not most of the time. I can't believe I didn't realize that until you asked. He makes life like walking on eggshells. Sometimes wonderful, sometimes a train wreck. Not just for me, just in general, he's an emotional rollercoaster.


oh sweetie... this is so so sad. I remember this feeling with the second husband. until he tried to kill me. then i left.

LIFE is supposed to be fun. yes there are bad times but walking on eggshells is not part of a 'normal' life. my current husband is my soul and my heart and I love him madly but there are times I could KILL HIM. but the good outweighs the bad. MOST of the TIME. NO relationship is perfect. but the good must outweigh the bad.

for me when i was deciding to leave my then boyfriend (now husband) I wrote a list (well three lists)

things i loved about him
things i tolerated about him
deal breakers that i could not accept and would make me leave

my promise to myself was that if the deal breakers outweighed the things i loved about him I would leave. and i wanted to leave. as much as I loved him I knew life with him would not be what folks expected of me. so I wrote my list. and i kept adding things to the deal breakers... and adding and adding. I figured it would be an easy thing to have a list long enough to make me leave...

nope. no matter how i tried the things I loved about him outweighed the deal breakers.... there was no getting around it.

make a list of things you love about him and things you dislike about him. and see what the list tells you.

He does say awful things, but once he gets them off his chest he's good again.

this is the same as "HE hits me but once he gets it out of his system he's loving again"


and the 40 bachelor, relationship with his mommy? HUGE RED FLAG.


I wish you all the safety and sanity in the world. I wish you the inner strength you need.

mollymom
08-19-2008, 09:40 AM
You have shown a lot of courage putting your last post in writing. Your "friends" here want you to be happy and successful. I believe there is a quote "Sometimes one must dare to be happy". I know I wish you all the best, and trust that you will make the decision that will help you find a life in which you are truly happy, content and at peace with yourself.

carinna
08-19-2008, 10:05 AM
I agree with ladybugnessa. What he's doing to you is no different than if he were to use his fists. And would you tolerate that? Would you say, "Well, he hit me but afterwards he was very sweet, so it's ok."? I doubt it. And yet, in a way what he's doing (emotional abuse) is in some ways more damaging than physical abuse. Because he's bruising and battering your heart and your self esteem.

Please, please, take a step back and re-evaluate this relationship. It's never a good idea to stay with someone just because of age, or that we think we should be married or having children, even if he weren't abusing you. Add that part in and it's a disaster waiting to happen.

You want a partner, a best friend. Someone who will look at you and see ONLY your beauty, inside and out. This is not him. And trust me, it will only get worse.

I wish you all the best, and I know you will have to make this decision on your own, but I truly hope you will read all the responses and take them to heart. YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE TREATED THIS WAY. Period.

:hug:

KLK
08-19-2008, 10:27 AM
I live in NYC and i work in the art world and while I've never dated anyone from that part of my life (I wouldn't!), I know what you mean about being in a place that looks/status/entitlement to "everything" is more important than anything else. Talk about a fantasy world... everyone's an @ss lol.

OMG ... your boyfriend's mother waits on him hand and foot. That's probably exactly what DID turn him into the kind of demanding, self-centered person who thinks he can snap his fingers and someone will lose a bunch of weight (beyond what they already lost) AND have cosmetic surgery all because he says so. It sounds like his mother DID ruin him and I'm sure she is a nice person and I'm sure she thinks she was doing the right thing, but she wasn't. Believe me, I'm Italian-American; I don't have any brothers, BUT the "mamone" mindset, where the mother waits on her son like he's a king, does his laundry well into his 40's, prepares all his meals and babies him like he's 2 years old is a pretty common phenomenon here. My parents are friends with a few of these guys who are in their late 40's, still live with mama and you hear mama say things like, "Nothing's too good for my Anthony!" None of these guys are married, bc ... no ONE is good enough for her Anthony!

Thanks for the wedding wishes! :D The wedding is on October 12th... so close!



Maybe I live in the wrong place. Los Angeles is just not the place to meet people who are accepting. A lot of them seem to want.. no, seem to think they're *entitled* to what they consider the "whole package". You must be smart, talented, successful, beautiful and sweet. I'd say they were living in a fantasy world... but this is LA. They are.

It probably doesn't help that the bf is an actor, has a triple engineering degree, is the only son of a doting mother, and is 40 and still a bachelor... I really thought since he treats his mother so well, he'd be a good guy. Turns out though, that his mother will do anything for him. Want a cup of coffee? water? soda? Want me to wash your clothes? Want me to bring you a footstool? And... I'm serious.... do you want me to make you dinner separate from what *everyone* else is eating? She does all those things. Sorry. There I just had to vent. She's nice, but do you not know when you're ruining your son?! I've had to teach him that, no, I will not bring you coffee every morning. Sometimes, you must get up and get it yourself! He was affronted the first time I did not assemble his hamburger for him, and told him the condiments were right there, help himself. He's learned these simple things, but I guess I can't expect him to learn unconditional love. You either have it, or you don't. I'm just a little afraid, that like french fries, I'll never be able to completely say no.

...

KLK - Congrats on your engagement and upcoming marriage! I'm happy you found a good one!!!

KLK
08-19-2008, 10:33 AM
I agree -- he's a total mamone!

And not to mention, if you DID marry this mamone, Mama would always be his #1 and you, because you were never really good enough for him to begin with, will always be #2 (or rather, HE is his #1, Mama is #2 and you'd be lucky to be #3).

Run, Naia, run like (to use an Olympics metaphor) you're a medal favorite in the 200 meter dash! RUN!!!

and the 40 bachelor, relationship with his mommy? HUGE RED FLAG.

JulieJ08
08-19-2008, 01:05 PM
I agree 100%, that took a lot of courage to write, both your first post and the follow-up. Remember that you have that courage. And ...

:hug: Awwwww ... Everything we and you have said may be true, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt and it isn't hard. I wish I could make it easy and painless. But you can do what is right for you. You have it inside of you. :hug:

JoyfulVegGirl
08-20-2008, 01:48 AM
I went through something similar last December, and I remember posting about it here and getting such wonderful support. One thing that stuck with me was having someone ask me if I was losing weight for myself or to make other people happy. I'm a weight loss pro. I've been successful at losing and maintaining for years by giving it a lot of thought and energy and focus, and it wasn't until that moment that I realized that that was exactly what I was doing. Losing weight to make other people happy.

You seem like a very thoughtful and beautiful person, someone who is caring and supportive of others. Not only do you deserve to be loved unconditionally, you deserve to lose weight FOR YOURSELF. Not as part of someone else's condition, but out of love and respect for yourself and your ability to live life to it's fullest.

Don't ever let anyone tell you that you're not good enough :hug:

Naia
08-20-2008, 07:12 AM
I just wanted to thank everyone again for writing -- you're all such wonderful support. And he IS a mamone! But whatever the Indian (east indian) word for it would be! If I could figure out how to quote, I would quote the 200 meter dash, because that made me laugh out loud.

Can you believe when I first met him, he used to spend every weekend at his parents? I thought it was weird at the time, but since he soon spent the weekends at my place I didn't give it too much thought. NOW I get it.

Today I told him I wanted time to think about things-- Actually, we were talking and after I told him how I felt, he said, "Maybe if you feel that way, I should leave..." meaningful stare, knowing head nod, waiting for me to say, 'no stay' or 'you still have clothes in the dryer', or even 'but dinner will be ready in half an hour'. Instead I said, "Maybe you should." There was a confused pause from him... like.. my threatening is not working?! How could this be??! And then... wait for it... he went straight to his parents house! Do not pass go, do not stop at your apartment. Do not collect $200.

It's a confused, complicated mire of a muddle, but I think with a little distance I can get my thoughts all together. Of course, my garage is his toolshop, his boat is in my driveway and we have a myriad of bills in both of our names... but nothing is ever easy.

Ladybugnessa - he actually tried to kill you?! Thank you for the lists idea, that will give me a starting place in getting my thoughts together.

JoyfulVegGirl- I'm a weight loss pro too! Name it, I've done it! Started when I was in 3rd grade and I spent two weeks with my grandma. She brought me back 20 lbs heavier, and my mom was like... what did you do to my daughter??!! My mom is 5ft and barely makes 90lbs on a good day, so it was a bit shocking to her, and I got my first experience in the ways of "the calorie".

KLK - October! That's so exciting, it'll be here so soon!

Everyone- Your words of encouragement and support and demands (in a good way) that I think of myself and that I'm worthy -- that has meant a lot to me. You guys have given me a little more confidence, and I thank you!!!

Mom2QJandT
08-20-2008, 07:26 AM
I'm very proud of you, that took an amazing amount of courage. Stay strong and do what is right for you.

KLK
08-20-2008, 10:15 AM
Oooo Naia :carrot:

I can just imagine the look on his face when he realized his usual manipulative tactics weren't working this time! Good for you! I bet his mom whipped him up something really tasty when he got to her house too ;)


I just wanted to thank everyone again for writing -- you're all such wonderful support. And he IS a mamone! But whatever the Indian (east indian) word for it would be! If I could figure out how to quote, I would quote the 200 meter dash, because that made me laugh out loud.

Can you believe when I first met him, he used to spend every weekend at his parents? I thought it was weird at the time, but since he soon spent the weekends at my place I didn't give it too much thought. NOW I get it.

Today I told him I wanted time to think about things-- Actually, we were talking and after I told him how I felt, he said, "Maybe if you feel that way, I should leave..." meaningful stare, knowing head nod, waiting for me to say, 'no stay' or 'you still have clothes in the dryer', or even 'but dinner will be ready in half an hour'. Instead I said, "Maybe you should." There was a confused pause from him... like.. my threatening is not working?! How could this be??! And then... wait for it... he went straight to his parents house! Do not pass go, do not stop at your apartment. Do not collect $200.

It's a confused, complicated mire of a muddle, but I think with a little distance I can get my thoughts all together. Of course, my garage is his toolshop, his boat is in my driveway and we have a myriad of bills in both of our names... but nothing is ever easy.

Ladybugnessa - he actually tried to kill you?! Thank you for the lists idea, that will give me a starting place in getting my thoughts together.

JoyfulVegGirl- I'm a weight loss pro too! Name it, I've done it! Started when I was in 3rd grade and I spent two weeks with my grandma. She brought me back 20 lbs heavier, and my mom was like... what did you do to my daughter??!! My mom is 5ft and barely makes 90lbs on a good day, so it was a bit shocking to her, and I got my first experience in the ways of "the calorie".

KLK - October! That's so exciting, it'll be here so soon!

Everyone- Your words of encouragement and support and demands (in a good way) that I think of myself and that I'm worthy -- that has meant a lot to me. You guys have given me a little more confidence, and I thank you!!!

ladybugnessa
08-20-2008, 10:24 AM
Today I told him I wanted time to think about things-- Actually, we were talking and after I told him how I felt, he said, "Maybe if you feel that way, I should leave..." meaningful stare, knowing head nod, waiting for me to say, 'no stay' or 'you still have clothes in the dryer', or even 'but dinner will be ready in half an hour'. Instead I said, "Maybe you should." There was a confused pause from him... like.. my threatening is not working?! How could this be??! And then... wait for it... he went straight to his parents house! Do not pass go, do not stop at your apartment. Do not collect $200.


YOU ROCK! good for you! and good for you for seeing his behavior (going right to MOMMY). YOU can do this!

Of course, my garage is his toolshop, his boat is in my driveway and we have a myriad of bills in both of our names... but nothing is ever easy.

bills can be paid off. when you are ready you tell him you have X amount of time to get your property off of mine or i will dispose of it (then you do it)....

be grateful you don't own a house together.

Ladybugnessa - he actually tried to kill you?! Thank you for the lists idea, that will give me a starting place in getting my thoughts together.

as embarrased as I am to post it if it helps someone:

he was high on crack he got from his girlfriend. he wrapped his hands around my throat (and i outweighed him by 100 pounds then) spit in my face and said "i'm going to kill you" I did see my life flash before my eyes... managed to get away and called the cops (in NYC)... they would not do anything. I came back to maryland had a judge issue a restraining order and got a divorce. he still stalks me online.... i'm remarried almost 4 years now...

Everyone- Your words of encouragement and support and demands (in a good way) that I think of myself and that I'm worthy -- that has meant a lot to me. You guys have given me a little more confidence, and I thank you!!!

I hope this really helps you! you are beautiful, clearly intelligent, and deserve way more than misery in your life....

k8t
08-21-2008, 01:26 AM
Oh Naia, after reading your last post, please run...run fast. Don't evaluate. If he treats you this way now, how will you feel when you have no respite or when he tells you how much of a favor he did by marrying you when no one else would? How will you feel when he starts criticizing you in front of your future children? How will you feel when he starts pulling them apart emotionally in front or you? Make no mistake...if he makes you miserable now, this will not change. What kind of life will that be?

All abusers know how to place nicey-nice from time to time to keep their targets off-balance and in their control. From your post, he also has you feeling like you should be protecting him by keeping his bad behavior secret from your friends...that's the start of isolating you emotionally. These are not good signs.

You are absolutely young and beautiful. Personally, if I were you, I would focus on some really productive and fast weight loss....probably about 160 pounds worth of misery...by showing your boyfriend the door and not letting him back again. You deserve so much better... and he doesn't deserve you at all.

modcat44
08-21-2008, 02:12 AM
Naia: I just have to put in my 2 cents and AGREE 100% with everyone else's posts about this. And add this, that he is a total control freak, as well as being self-centered and shallow and demanding. I bet he wants to control other aspects of your relationship and your personality as well. It's horrible to live like that, I know from personal experience. You start to feel like you can't do anything right, you can't ever please him, you watch his moods like a hawk, and start to watch every word you say or every deed you do, just to not arouse his criticism or ire. It's miserable to live like that. And if he can't be easy-going about things now, accepting and loving less than ideal things about you, how is he going to be as a father? How hard is he going to be on his kids? How will he handle those chaotic years of child-rearing without stomping all over your kid's emotions and self-esteem?

I know you don't want your feel-good days to be tied to whether or not you felt like you were able to please him that day, or rather, getting thru the day without dis-pleasing him.

modcat44
08-21-2008, 02:23 AM
k8t: lol! That's it!!!!

"Personally, if I were you, I would focus on some really productive and fast weight loss....probably about 160 pounds worth of misery...by showing your boyfriend the door and not letting him back again. "

Mommysince21505
08-21-2008, 03:03 AM
I just wanted to say that there ARE good men out there. After I had my son I have had the ugliest kangaroo pouch ever (you mommies know what I mean) and I know it is going to get worse as I lose all my weight... BUT my husband doesn't care and he probably wouldn't even cared if I gained a 100 more lbs because he loves me for me (don't worry I plan to lose a 100 instead - lol). I wish you can find someone that loves you for YOU! It is wonderful. I say get rid of the jerk and get out there to find a nice man! I know you love your current bf, if you didn't you wouldn't have been with him for 4 years. However, it doesn't sound like you are happy so how could he be? I will pray that you will find the answers you need in this situation!

Mommysince21505
08-21-2008, 03:11 AM
Oh jeez, I just read the first page only... So here is my response to the update... I am so proud of you that you took that step! I bet that was hard for you, but you probably did the right thing for now. Keep us posted and remember we are here whenever you need some support.

k8t
08-21-2008, 11:06 AM
Oh Naia, after reading your last post, please run...

How utterly bizarre...I tried to post my last post a while ago, and it wouldn't go through....now it's here, but out of order. Strange.... I shall have to have a little chat with my computer....

Naia, congratulations on your decision. I know it was a hard one, but I'm glad you stuck to your guns. You are worth it.

If I may make a suggestion...Make some phone calls- Without telling him, call the companies with the bills to get his name off of them. This is especially true if you have credit cards you share with him. Do these first. Get him off of any accounts in your name - if you have to, cancel the card. You can always find another card, and they will still send you the bills on your old balance. He just won't be able to run up anymore debt in the meantime. I have had friends whose exs did some nasty credit card debts as "pay back", and there wasn't much they could do about it because they found out about it too late and the ex had been an authorized user.

If for some reason you ever decided to take him back...though please, please don't...he can always be added back onto the accounts. In the meantime, as long as you share accounts, you are giving him a means to mess with your finances or create a debt that will mean he needs to stay in touch with you until he pays it off - thereby giving him a way to drift back in.

Naia
08-21-2008, 04:29 PM
It's more like cellphone bills and cable bills and costco and gym memberships, household things he volunteered to pay for since he was using them so much. But no bank accounts or credit cards. He doesn't believe in keeping a balance on any credit card, and I do, so we could never share those :-)

But you're right, I should get him off my house bills. The cellphone we have to do together, and that's the one that'll be the pain, just because... well, cellphone companies :p

He is a little controlling in other aspects too, but in those areas I'm much more stubborn, so he runs into a wall. I am confident in my opinion on most things... but with weight and looks, well... it's hard to be confident when you've had weight issues all your life.

It would be a whole 181 pounds I would lose! The biggest amount ever, in one go! (Of course, and he will tell you this repeatedly, only 9% of that is body fat -- just don't let him get started on his college days!).

Thank you guys for all the support and cheering! I'll need them over the weekend, since that's traditionally when we do things. Maybe I'll just go in to work and get some extra hours. Extra money never hurt :-)

I'm sure he'll be staying at his moms. They have family coming in, so if I know him, he'll use that as the excuse why he stayed at his parents for a week or two ;) It wasn't that he didn't want to go home and be alone, and deal with thoughts of what he'd done, and not be served hand and foot -- it was just that he was being a good member of his family. Being taken care of by mom was just a little extra bonus, he can't help what she wants to do for him!

I just also have to say -- I really appreciate and love hearing about all the good guys out there, and about all your relationships. It's good to know that there's better out there.

Thanks!!

k8t
08-21-2008, 10:35 PM
What kind of cellphone deal do you have?

Unless you need the money...which I would certainly understand nowadays (Jeez, everything is crazy expensive)....I would go treat myself to something nonfattening, but fun. Spoil yourself with something you wouldn't normally do. Why don't you invite one or two of your best girlfriends over for a late night movie/sleepover? A giggly night with the girls.... While you are at it, you can finally let the cat out of the bag to them and tell them what he has been saying and doing.

I wouldn't trade my honey for anything, even though he likes to try to feed me too much. :) We will be together for 20 years as a couple this September, and he still tells me he loves me several times a day. We laugh, play, and tease each other all the time...much to the embarrassment of my children. We knew each other before too and never looked at each other "that way"...just friends...until... Wham. Oh my, what have I been missing?!

Yes, there are some truly wonderful, loving men out there. Sometimes, they're where you least expect them to be.

mollymom
08-21-2008, 10:38 PM
My first thought was YOU ROCK...my second was, I wonder how she enjoyed herself with him at his mommy's. I remember the almost euphoric feeling of relief the day my ex left. I had been so unhappy, that I almost didn't know what to do with myself, once I woke up and realized he wasn't there to put me down, to ignore me, to tell me he didn't find me attractive anymore.

The night he left, I went out, bought paint for the basement in the colour I wanted (very bright coral) but he said no way..btw was my house, my basement and my money for paint. I came home, sat on the deck steps, stared at the gardens, took deep breaths and had a lot of wine...then started to paint Maybe not the best plan, but when a girlfriend called to see how I was doing, I remember telling her I was painting the basement. The other day we were talking about that very night and she said the best part was a) she knew I was slightly loopy b) I sounded terribly happy and c) when she asked why I was painting the basement I yelled into the phone, "BECAUSE I CAN~!" BTW basement turned out gorgeous!

I hope that you continue to feel comfortable with your decision. Your assertiveness is going to come as a real shock to him...I hope he doesn't get mean with you. Don't back down though...you are worth so much more! If you do ask him to leave...it will be hard at first...maybe..or you may just find yourself so happy, you will wonder why you let it go on as long as you did.

You are a GORGEOUS woman..omg I would kill to look like you. Hopefully, somewhere there is a man with his eyes in the right sockets and his emotions attached to the big brain not the little brain, who will appreciate and love you and support you no matter how big you are or if your skin hangs down to your knees. If not immediately, then I assure you, being single is not the end of the world. I quite like my current state. I answer to no one but myself, and mine is the only opinion that is important to me. That is quite a freeing state of mind to be in. You might just enjoy having some "just for myself" time, and find you quite like your own company.

I am not sure I am making sense, but I hope there is a little nugget of something good in what I have written BIG HUGS :hug:

Ufi
08-22-2008, 01:00 AM
I've had relationships with guys who did not treat me the way I deserved. I think part of it was that I liked feeling needed, liked feeling together and strong, like I could "fix" things with him. What a delusion.

I sympathize with the baby pressure. I'm 36. Think: Every minute you're with him is a minute you're not available for Mr. Right.

I hope you and some friends make fun weekend plans. Or even you, by yourself, doing something you love to do.

Good luck!

k8t
08-22-2008, 09:37 PM
...when she asked why I was painting the basement I yelled into the phone, "BECAUSE I CAN~!"

Love it.....:D

modcat44
08-23-2008, 10:35 PM
mollymom: You are my hero! :lol:

MotoMichelle
08-25-2008, 01:30 PM
I just read this whole thread for the first time and have to say... good for you, Naia!

You are a strong, beautiful woman and deserve much better than what that boy is giving you. There are wonderful men out there who will love you and support you for you, not some distorted image they have in their mind.

Stay strong!

Suzzyy
08-25-2008, 02:19 PM
You know what, YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL !!!! And physical beauty is not as important as inner beauty however, he did not know what he had and I hope he realizes it and regrets it each and every day.

I have had two 10 pound babies and even weighing 120 lbs after their births, I still had loose skin. You have to be comfortable in your body. It did shrink up after a while but then my hysterectomy put me over the edge and here I am.

My girlfriend lost a breast to breast cancer. Her husband told her she was nuts to get reconstruction. "Do not go through that on my account" he said to her. Two years later, she lost the other breast. Again, he told her NOT to go through unnecessary surgery, she has been through enough. He told her if she truly wanted it, then he would support her, but he loves her, not her breast !!! He adores her and they are enjoying life and her body is far from perfect; it is actually severely deformed because the surgery was so invasive.

What would your boyfriend say about that? Would you live in fear that he would leave you if you needed major surgery? Love is unconditional, please remember that.

Again, you are BEAUTIFUL and you don't need him.

Suzy

EarthShaker
08-25-2008, 02:35 PM
This thread brought me an unexpected smile.

This is the stuff I like: someone realizing that something (someone!) isn't good for them and moving forward.

It's certainly not easy, but you did it, and you should be proud.

You deserve so much better, and now, you're free to find it.

Tomato
08-25-2008, 02:54 PM
Hi Naia,

I am sorry that you are going through this. From your description (and again, I am sorry to say this but it sounds like you are trying to convince YOURSELF that this guy is not so bad .... you constantly keep switching between something not so nice he is telling you and then saying he is not a bad person) it looks like a classic case of emotional abuse. He is not going to get married until you lose weight and have had a plastic surgery - then what is he marrying you for? Just for your body? To be his trophy wife? I am sorry, but that is not good enough for me. I would rather be alone than married to this guy. What if you get married (after you meet his conditions) and let's say .... you have a bad fracture and end up having surgeries and a leg in the cast for a long time .... and you gain weight. Then what? Will he divorce you? Or what if you have a high risk pregnancy and will be bedridden? (again, a possible weight issue). Or forget the weight altogether - what if you have a serious post-partum depression? I just don't see this guy being there for you and caring for you when you are less than perfect. Sorry if my post hurts ... I think you gave him 4 years already and he is now giving you ultimatums? Maybe you [I mean you alone] could go talk to a therapist because you take this relationship any further?

txsqlchick
08-25-2008, 02:56 PM
I've been dating a guy for over 4 years, and while he's supportive and loves the weight loss... but he's sometimes too supportive. If you know what I mean. Like, gets mad at me for not being super gung-ho obsessed with diet and exercise. And he's given ultimatums. He is disturbed by the amount of loose skin & cellulite. Sometimes he looks up things I can do to get rid of loose skin & cellulite and tells me the treatments. Other than that, he's very loving and supportive :dz:

Red flag #1.


He says he thinks I'm the one for him and that he loves me, and while sometimes he's attracted... a lot of times he's a little grossed out. He wants to spend his life with a "normal" looking girl. I know, it doesn't sound so nice, but how can I blame him when I can see exactly what he's seeing? It's not a pretty picture. He says he wants my outside to be beautiful so that it reflects the beauty inside, so that everyone can see what he knows.

Red flag #2.


I think he's rather selfish & shallow, but overall he's a nice guy. Even if what he says sounds horrible, he's really not a horrible person. I've never told anyone (friends, family, etc) how he feels, because I know if I told anyone that he doesn't want to get married until I've lost weight and had plastic surgery to remove loose skin they'd think he was awful. But no one can really understand, except those of us who have the weight to lose, or have lost weight. Regular people just don't know what it means to know you're a good and worthwhile person, but still know that your skin looks disgusting. I think if I was just large, but firm and smooth skinned, it wouldn't be such a big issue. It's that my skin is all cottage cheese and loose and hangs... and I still have 60 pounds to lose.

Red flag #3.


Right now I'm 36 and single, and have never had kids. We've been dating for over 4 years, and I just feel like.. if I'm ever going to get married and have kids I'm going to have to do it soon. I'll be too old to have kids in just a few years. I want to lose weight for me, not him. But I agree with him that the loose skin is kind of yucky. But, as someone told me the other day on my blog... if I decided to get skin surgery it has to be for ME too, not for him. Even if he tries to tell me that if I loved him, I would do these things for him.


Red flag #4.

OK...no offense, but your boyfriend does sound horrible and shallow. As terrible as my ex-husband was when we separated and as painful as my breakup with my now on-again boyfriend was, neither of them ever...ever...EVER gave me an ultimatum and NEVER criticized my body. In fact over the weekend my BF could not keep his hands off my 236lb self, and had the pup tent to prove that he liked what he saw.

Seriously...if the only reasons you're with this guy is because you think you can't do better and because you think you need to get married and have kids with anyone, you need to dump him.

His behavior sounds like it is bordering on abusive. If you're not good enough for him without tens of thousands of dollars worth of painful plastic surgery, then he is not good enough for you. He may want a "normal girl", but don't you want someone who treats you with respect?


OK, didn't read the whole thread first...I'm glad you tossed him out on his butt. Let his mother take care of his pathetic self!

Tomato
08-25-2008, 03:03 PM
Eh, I am sorry, I did not realize that there were three pages to this thread. I was so revved up by the time I got to the end of the first page that I had to post a reply and missed the other two pages.

Naia, thumbs up to you for thinking twice about this relationship. I know it cannot be easy but BE STRONG!

bananapancakes
08-25-2008, 04:37 PM
Good on ya, I think you made the best choice!

Mrs Snark
08-25-2008, 04:53 PM
I'm so glad you told that putz to leave. I was seething by the end of your post, I wanted to come haul him away myself.

It may be hard to believe, but you will find a man who does NONE of those crappy things (like preying on your insecurities) and who makes you forget you even HAVE flaws. And you will do the same for him. It's beautiful and wonderful and you so deserve it. That's real LOVE and don't ever forget that we all deserve THAT kind of love.

We're here for you, cheering you on! I see that strong, independent woman you were wondering about. She's right there, and she's GORGEOUS!

Naia
08-25-2008, 04:54 PM
Hi everyone! Thank you for the posts and support!! I have to keep coming back here and reading the posts to remember all the reasons why I really want to stay apart this time. It's getting hard, because now he's in the 'make-up' phase.

Everything I say, he agrees with. He says I'm right, he can totally see my point of view, says how horrible he's been, and says I deserve someone better. He apologies, saying he's so messed up that he'll probably die alone. I am his best and only friend.

I realize this is another form of manipulation, but it's the invasive kind for me... because I don't want him to be sad. I have trouble holding on to any anger (with anyone), and my natural inclination is to be nice and reassuring. This is why we end up back together after any sort of fight. I've stood firm, and just told him I'm sure he'll meet someone else who is right for him.

I pointed out that I am 36, and even if I become thin I am only going to get older, saggier, with more wrinkles. That I don't want to spend my life in the quest of beauty, and I don't want to be with someone who will want me to get botox or a face lift or an eye tuck as I age. I want to be able to just... age. Age gracefully, but age. I also pointed out what everyone has told me here -- what if something were to happen? What if I got breast cancer, or got sick and bedridden for a time? Or was in an accident? What would happen then?

What would happen, would be that he would become angry and be a misery to all who came into contact with him. Because he doesn't believe in divorce, but he does believe in venting his emotions to any and all that are within the range to hear them.

Of course, since this is the "make-up" phase for him, he agreed and said he was messed up and I was right. He didn't deserve me, and I should be with someone who did. The only way this would ever work, he says, would be if he had a true epiphany and was able to love me how I am, no matter what I look like. Since I doubt this would ever be possible (I mean, the guy is 40, I don't see him changing anytime soon), I agreed. The only thing I would accept is unconditional love.

During the previous conversation (he's called several times over the weekend, this was the first call, when make-up time was only just beginning) he tries to make an analogy. It made me laugh, and made me remember again why I was Saying NO. I have to share it. This was his analogy: "It's like the story of the princess and the frog. The princess loves the frog, and stays around and keeps kissing it, hoping it will turn into a prince. So she keeps it and kisses it for years, hoping that it'll happen, but it just stays a frog. And she needs to accept that a frog is just a frog."

Here I pause for a moment, and then say, "Soooo... I guess I'm the frog in this analogy??" He realizes he's made a snafu, and immediately says it was a bad analogy, and apologizes. But we all know he really meant, he's a Prince and I'm a Frog. Gooooo, Froggies!

Somewhere else in this conversation, when I say there are millions and millions of fat and happily married people out there, he asks, "yeah, but have you ever seen a very attractive guy with a frumpy girl?" -- I'm guessing he's thinking he's the "very attractive guy" in this scenario, and he must think I'm "dating above my station".

I really think, even if he were to have some sort of epiphany (from say, being hit over the head), things would never work out between us. There have been too many years where he thought he was the better, more attractive one in the relationship and I don't think he'd ever be able to forget that. And he may say that he thinks I'm smarter, and that he loves my brain... but really, REALLY, even if that were true, he thinks the outside is more important than the inside, so it would never matter.

The funny thing is... I don't think he's really all that attractive. I mean, I found him attractive after I liked him, but it was never like, 'ooh, who's that guy?' To be fair, he does have a lot of people telling him how handsome he looks and he did win some Indian Bachelor of the Year award or something like that... 15 years ago.

So anyway. Long story short. I'm sticking to my guns. And any time I get start wavering, I'm coming back here to refresh myself on all the bad things he's said and done and why I'm better off without him.

I'm not going to lie, sometimes it's hard and sometimes it's lonely, but I guess that's natural. There's a big hole left that he used to fill, and I just have to have faith in myself that it'll heal up and I'll be stronger because of it.

part of it was that I liked feeling needed, liked feeling together and strong, like I could "fix" things with him. What a delusion.
I totally agree here -- I know I have issues with liking to be needed, and wanting to take care of people. You'd think I'd get in enough care taking with my grandfather (he's 83, and lives with me), but no! I have to pick guys who need care-taking too!

when she asked why I was painting the basement I yelled into the phone, "BECAUSE I CAN~!"

I LOVED this! I felt like this too! I can not make the bed! I can put things in the oh-so-organized garage and mess it all up! If we hadn't already painted the whole house, inside and out (and let me tell you, picking colors was a pain in the butt!!) I would've done the same thing!

My number one favorite thing has been ... no one stole my covers or SNORED or took up the whole bed and pushed me out! AND I had all 3 cats sleep in the bedroom, and even on the bed!

Over the weekend I enjoyed having the TV to myself and not being laughed at for the TV shows I liked, not having to get up and get coffee, or food, or anything, unless it was just for *me*. And mostly I enjoyed the sense of peace, that I could do whatever I wanted, and there wouldn't be a discussion.

He stopped by one day to pick up some of his stuff, and his first comment was how the weeds were taking over, and I really needed to take care of them. They were over-running the yard, and all the work *he* did was going to be for naught. When I just raised an eyebrow, he said, "and I guess that's up to you now." You're right, it is! I'll pull the weeds when I want to pull the weeds. Or I'll let it all turn into a jungle, just how it was before I met you.

and his emotions attached to the big brain not the little brain,

LOL! He also needs to have emotions that are not attached to what other people think of him. Because I think that's his real problem. If it was just us, with no one else in the world, he'd be peachy keen. But he's soooo afraid people will judge him because he's with a girl that is not as attractive as he is (or so he thinks in his own mind).

I think you're right, and it's just better to be single for a while. And single isn't bad, I remember liking it -- I just have to readjust.

txsqlchick
08-25-2008, 04:57 PM
Hi everyone! Thank you for the posts and support!! I have to keep coming back here and reading the posts to remember all the reasons why I really want to stay apart this time. It's getting hard, because now he's in the 'make-up' phase.


Stick to your guns!

I made up with my ex-ex-BF but he never emotionally abused me like that. I wouldn't go back to him if he did. Every time this guy tries to get up off the curb, kick him back down! He's a user and a manipulator.

Mrs Snark
08-25-2008, 04:58 PM
Frog. Prince. Frumpy. O M G.

This is the most unaware, most clueless, most shallow, 40-year-old boy on the planet.

HOLD FIRM!

FreeSpirit
08-25-2008, 05:10 PM
I think that frog/princess analogy should be reversed. You're the princess and he's the jerk... i mean frog, that will always be a frog.

Naia
08-25-2008, 05:10 PM
Frog. Prince. Frumpy. O M G.



I know! Can you believe it?! At that point, I didn't even need to come look back here -- I couldn't even help myself and laughed out loud. You're trying to make-up and you call me Frumpy and a Frog?! Just how clueless are you??!!! Apparently, his cluelessness knows no bounds!

CandyKisses0204
08-25-2008, 06:17 PM
LoL. Umm even if he was the really the frog it just cements that he will never change by saying the frog will never change. So glad you are sticking to it. I hope you are okay!

JayEll
08-25-2008, 06:18 PM
Hmmm. He's a narcissistic loser. Don't answer the phone. Congratulations on being free. Let me make a prediction: He doesn't believe in divorce, but ten years after you married him, he'd be having affairs with younger women behind your back. Well, OK, I'm wrong--it wouldn't take ten years.

You can hire someone to clean up the yard. And all you have to do is pay them with money.

Jay

ladybugnessa
08-25-2008, 06:26 PM
OMG you are so strong and bright and beautiful. you will NOT be alone any longer than you want to be darling.


btw when i get thin and hot my morbidly obese husband will still be the most handsome man I know....

fiberlover
08-25-2008, 06:56 PM
Good for you! Stick with it and keep that loser out of your life.
You are doing so well without him now!

milleradah
08-25-2008, 07:22 PM
wow i don't know were to start....good for you!!! there are better men out there and you will never find him with this bad one around. i myself have a lot of skin problems. i have had 2 -c-sections and 2 other surgeries down there needless to say my skin is shot. i met my husband when i was 15 and 115lb now 31 and 177lb and i can say he loves me more now then when i was 15. it does not bother him he says i have given him 3 babies and almost 16 years of my life. when it is love all those other things don't matter. so keep your head up high and love yourself!!!! :hug::hug:

k8t
08-25-2008, 10:56 PM
Hi Naia,
I'm so happy for you for being free and starting to enjoy it.

I think it will be perfectly normal for you to feel lonely sometimes - even for the twit's company, even if you don't want to feel that way. You gave four years to this man and he was ultimately unworthy of you. Trust me, that was his mistake and he will have to live with it. You won't. You are free of him. Many women do not have the courage to do what you have done. Be proud of yourself.

Please do yourself a favor....quickly jot down the things that you find yourself enjoying again and add to it as new things occur to you. Keep it someplace handy. (The kitties sleeping with you, the garage, the garden not needing to be perfectly kept, your bed, the TV shows, the peace in your home, etc... ) If you are ever tempted by our winning Loser of the Year, refer to the list....the ummmm...let's see....the FROG List.... Fully Ready for the Obnoxious to be Gone.

Way to go, Naia. Stay Strong!

:dust:

Ufi
08-25-2008, 10:59 PM
OK, so he says that he's a loser who can't change and will die alone and he ALSO says that he's a prince who has been kissing a frog?!

I dug around on my bookshelves because I remembered a book that a counselor recommended my friend get when she was going through a divorce that I read with her. It's "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. You might find it really enlightening, as it sounds like this guy is dishing these things out. In my humble opinion, the faster you completely cut ties with him, the better. He's the only one who can fix himself, and he's got to want to do that. Otherwise, he'll keep playing on your emotions and make it harder on you to move forward.

mollymom
08-26-2008, 12:16 AM
I think I am sort of in tears. I am so glad you had the presence of mind to post here. I realized there are a lot of really strong and wise women in this here joint too. I am a big list maker...I had made lists and posted them where I could see them to help me remember what I needed/enjoyed/desired. Maybe if you are the journalling type, you may want to buy yourself a nice little journal and write something in it everyday that you enjoyed, felt free to to do, a burden you felt had been lifted etc.

BTW I do my best weeding when I am mad! I mutter to myself, pull away and feel a great sense of relief when I sit back and look at the result.

KEEP LIFTING THAT EYEBROW!

BTW...INDIAN OF THE YEAR AWARD? I bet his mummy has it on the mantel ROFL

ADN SO YOU PAINTED THE WHOLE HOUSE>.now if you dont' like it, you can paint it purple with green spots if you want to. BECAUSE YOU CAN!

Ookpik
08-26-2008, 02:30 AM
Good for you! You deserve so much better!

Naia
08-26-2008, 05:21 AM
BTW...INDIAN OF THE YEAR AWARD? I bet his mummy has it on the mantel ROFL

Ohh, yes! You bet!!! The first time I went to his parents I was subjected to not one, but two, videotapes of the event and celebratory party. Then I had to watch the tape when he sung at the Apollo. They trot out the videos at least every six months, along with a newsclipping stating he was dating Ms. India. I want to yell at them, it was OVER 15 years ago!!! Let it go!!!!

when i get thin and hot my morbidly obese husband will still be the most handsome man I know....

That's how it always seems to me -- the more you love someone, the more attractive they are. I'm happy you found a good one, after everything you had to go through!!


If you are ever tempted by our winning Loser of the Year, refer to the list....the ummmm...let's see....the FROG List.... Fully Ready for the Obnoxious to be Gone.



LOL!!! I'll have to print that out!

I do like to make lists and to journal, so I think I'll do both of those suggestions. Thanks, guys! It's so refreshing to talk to you all, I think this is more communication than I've had in years! (not counting the Frog Prince, of course, because he's not being counted)

Now I'm going to sleep with the window open and the fan on, BECAUSE I CAN!!!


:) Naia

ladybugnessa
08-26-2008, 06:43 AM
OK, so he says that he's a loser who can't change and will die alone and he ALSO says that he's a prince who has been kissing a frog?!

I dug around on my bookshelves because I remembered a book that a counselor recommended my friend get when she was going through a divorce that I read with her. It's "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. You might find it really enlightening, as it sounds like this guy is dishing these things out. In my humble opinion, the faster you completely cut ties with him, the better. He's the only one who can fix himself, and he's got to want to do that. Otherwise, he'll keep playing on your emotions and make it harder on you to move forward.


another great book is "A Fine Romance" by Judith Sills Ph.D. she taught me that NOTHING IS PERSONAL.... all his words are HIS GARBAGE not your problem. it's available in paperback... a good read....

Pandora123a
08-26-2008, 08:18 AM
There are good men out there. When I met my DH I was at my lowest adult weight, 149. Now...I'm not. While he is happy about my weight loss, he is very clear that he finds me sexy at every weight and that he loves me for who I am no matter what my weight is.

My (thin) sister's husband once told her. "I'll love you no matter what you weight, but if you ever gain weight I'll love you from a distance". She is thin, but divorced! And after having breast cancer and some other medical problems she doesn't have a perfect body naked (she still looks great in clothes.)

I know what you mean about the LA culture, but there are lots of great guys out there...you can find one. You can also have a great life by yourself.

I got married just before my 39th birthday...and have a ton of friends that have married for the first time between the ages of 38-45.

Congratulations on your loss of 181 pounds of ugliness!

Naia
08-26-2008, 08:19 AM
Those both sound like good books. You know, I've never read a self-help book before. Do they actually help? My (now) ex was devoted to self-help. He worshiped that one guy... with the really big hands. Hmm. I can't remember his name.

I think in addition, I need a book on being an enabler :D

I don't feel hurt by what he's said (part of my problem, I forget hurt and anger too easily), and I don't hold his comments to me... those are his issues. Holding onto a negative emotion from someone, anyone, is just giving that person power over you. It's like handing them your power and say, here take this, I want you to ruin my day! It may seem strange, but he's actually the needy, clingy one in the relationship, and pours out his depressional issues to me day and night.

But... but! I do give my power away... just in a sneaky method, so I fool even myself. It's the old... do you need some of my power to make you feel better, because you're so weak and needy? Then, I, Naia, Super-Naiad, will share my power with you puny manling. You need more to feel better? Take more! I am strong.... oh wait. uh-oh. Ummm... I think I just gave you all my power, thinking I was like wonder woman or something... could I maybe... have some of that back? No?

And there I go, enable you and enable you, and you there, let's enable you... and how bout you sir, you need enabling? Want me to buy you a bottle of gin? Splendid!

Seriously, do you want a bottle of gin? I just bought 8 at Costco for my granpa. Now, really seriously, do you want an olive with that? Because I have... Queen Olives, Olives with Onions, Olives with Pimento, I have Spanish Olives and Small Olives and Olives you can fit over your thumb... I have all the olives anyone may want, just in case they happen to stop by for a drink with my grandpa. I will enable the entire community of pensioners to be gin-toting martini drinkers.

So yes, seriously. Do they have books to stop enablers from enabling? Because I don't want to do this in my next relationship. Helping so much that you deny yourself and hurt yourself... is...not...good. Strange that it took me so long to reach that conclusion. It's the Wonder Woman complex. All those underoos when we were children. Plus, I secretly idolized Diana. Helping out her boss and saving the world, all in the change of a hair-do!

If only the world was so easy. Going blonde didn't change a thing for me! Except now the DOM (dirty old man) in my work building calls me "Blondie" instead of "Slim". Slim! This was his nickname when I started losing weight. I guess I don't want to know what his nickname might've been before that!:o

Just tonight I've received the ability to post pictures and links! I'm almost to the point where I can have a signature!

But, to celebrate my link-ness, here is my first link:

Naia's Before & Current Photos: http://3fatchicks.com/diet-blogs/notanotherdiet/pictures/

Naia's Blog - Life By the Numbers: http://3fatchicks.com/diet-blogs/notanotherdiet/2008/08/11/starting-again/

Pandora123a
08-26-2008, 08:21 AM
I heard this a few years ago and thought it fit here.

Fifteen Pounds (Away from My Love)
Lyrics: Marcy Heisler
Music: Zina Goldrich


(Spoken)
When you’re single in New York for a… how shall I say… long time, you tend to hear the most amazing… and interesting lines from prospective suitors. I thought I had heard everything, until I met a man who told me this.

(Verse 1)
You’ve got the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen.
Don’t think any ocean comes in a shade of such amazing blue-green.
You know your disposition is sweeter than any perfume.
And with that million-dollar smile of yours, you cannot help but light up the room.
All it took was one look at you, baby, with the music playing softly and slow.
All it took was one look at you, baby, for a man like me to know:
You’re just 15 pounds away from my love, baby.
A touch too much of pie a la mode.
You’re just 15 pounds away from my love, baby.
You’re carrying too wide of a load.

(Verse 2)
I took you out to dinner and the conversation flowed like wine.
I took you on the dance floor and, I gotta say, your mambo was divine.
I kissed you and I knew I’d never ever ever have to be lonely.
But then a little voice inside of me said, “May, oh man, oh man, if only…”
All it took was one look at you, baby, and I knew that I could show you to Mom.
But when it comes to showing you off in front of every Dick and Harry and Tom,
You’re just 15 pounds away from my love, baby.
Put back a calamari or two.
You’re just 15 pounds away from my love, baby.
Imagine what some free weights can do.

(Bridge)
If you really want my heart to flip, girl,
Put on some size 4 jeans and make ‘em zip, girl.
If you want some roses by the bunches,
On the floor and let me see some stomach crunches.
If you want to know that you are the one,
Put on some Puma’s, baby, go for a run.
Let’s re-up those health club dues. What have you got to lose?
You’ve got to lose that 15 pounds away from my love, baby.
You take the cake, baby, you really take it.
Fifteen pounds away from my love, baby.
Just a little step class and I think we can make it.

(Spoken)
Needless to say, that man is not my husband. And I didn’t really think about it, until I ran into him approximately seven years later.

(Verse 3)
I ran into him in front of Carmine’s with his brand new wife.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen such a stick in all of my life.
And I have to admit, it filled my heart with glee.
To see that he, himself, had gained a pound or two… or seventy-three!
He was 50 pounds away from my love, baby.
Five- O, baby, the truth hurts!
Fifty pounds away from my love, baby.
I guess he got his just desserts. Guess he got his just desserts.
He’s carrying too wide of a load!

Naia
08-26-2008, 08:33 AM
(Verse 1)
You’ve got the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen.
Don’t think any ocean comes in a shade of such amazing blue-green.
You know your disposition is sweeter than any perfume.
And with that million-dollar smile of yours, you cannot help but light up the room.
All it took was one look at you, baby, with the music playing softly and slow.
All it took was one look at you, baby, for a man like me to know:
You’re just 15 pounds away from my love, baby.
A touch too much of pie a la mode.
You’re just 15 pounds away from my love, baby.
You’re carrying too wide of a load.

(Verse 2)
I took you out to dinner and the conversation flowed like wine.
I took you on the dance floor and, I gotta say, your mambo was divine.
I kissed you and I knew I’d never ever ever have to be lonely.
But then a little voice inside of me said, “May, oh man, oh man, if only…”
All it took was one look at you, baby, and I knew that I could show you to Mom.
But when it comes to showing you off in front of every Dick and Harry and Tom,
You’re just 15 pounds away from my love, baby.
Put back a calamari or two.
You’re just 15 pounds away from my love, baby.
Imagine what some free weights can do.

O M G !!!!!!!!! ROFL !! I'm going to have to find that song and listen to it. I can't believe it! You know, I think he might've said some of those exact things! In fact, I'm pretty sure he came up with the blue-green eye line... or stole it!

Oh, I would love to send it to him too.. only that would just start some stuff up, so I won't. I'll just relish it myself :D

Thank you for sharing!!

ladybugnessa
08-26-2008, 08:41 AM
A good book on enabling is "co-dependent no more" by melanie Beattie.

Tomato
08-26-2008, 11:08 AM
Frog. Prince. Frumpy. O M G.

This is the most unaware, most clueless, most shallow, 40-year-old boy on the planet.

HOLD FIRM!

I second that. Let the Prince go back to his Mama.
I think you should, occasionally, not pick up the phone when he calls (if you have call ID). I am so glad you have made up your mind!!!

aerogora
08-26-2008, 02:49 PM
dump him. You are too good for him!

Mrs Snark
08-26-2008, 03:15 PM
Naia -- you look great in your photos, congrats on all your hard work!

hotmomma
08-26-2008, 03:27 PM
I'm late coming to this thread and I haven't even read the other responses yet, but I can tell you that you don't need a guy like that in your life. Much of what I'm going to say might have been said already by the time I post this, but I'm going for it anyway.

If you're self esteem is low now, more time with this guy will make you feel worse. His behavior is selfish and controlling, and he's thinking a lot more about himself than you.

If he's so worried about having a "normal" looking girl, what would he do if you were, say, injured in a car accident? What if you had scars? What if you couldn't walk? After I met my bf, I was seriously injured and couldn't walk. I'd like to believe that he "stuck by me" through it all, but in retrospect he did and said a lot of things that now, looking back, make me realize he was embarrassed by my situation. Instead of worrying how I FELT not being able to walk, he worried about how he felt about being with me. Your bf is doing the same. You're going to feel a lot of resentment. I know I do.

KLK
08-26-2008, 03:35 PM
... to the left, to the left. Everything you own, in a box, to the left... :)

He's trying to make up with you and he calls you, first, the frog to his price and second, he calls you "frumpy"? If this is him trying to sweet-talk you, I can only imagine what he says to you/calls you on a normal day!

Good riddance!

During the previous conversation (he's called several times over the weekend, this was the first call, when make-up time was only just beginning) he tries to make an analogy. It made me laugh, and made me remember again why I was Saying NO. I have to share it. This was his analogy: "It's like the story of the princess and the frog. The princess loves the frog, and stays around and keeps kissing it, hoping it will turn into a prince. So she keeps it and kisses it for years, hoping that it'll happen, but it just stays a frog. And she needs to accept that a frog is just a frog."

Here I pause for a moment, and then say, "Soooo... I guess I'm the frog in this analogy??" He realizes he's made a snafu, and immediately says it was a bad analogy, and apologizes. But we all know he really meant, he's a Prince and I'm a Frog. Gooooo, Froggies!

Somewhere else in this conversation, when I say there are millions and millions of fat and happily married people out there, he asks, "yeah, but have you ever seen a very attractive guy with a frumpy girl?" -- I'm guessing he's thinking he's the "very attractive guy" in this scenario, and he must think I'm "dating above my station".

bananapancakes
08-26-2008, 03:42 PM
Naia, I checked out your weight loss page, you look lovely in your pictures and I like the whole lotus flower theme, I'm assuming you did that on purpose? Given the whole background of the lotus flower?

I hope that your days don't feel empty, as cliche as it sounds, time is a great healer- and you will go on to find someone who deserves your love and appreciates you, saggy bits or no saggy bits.

BldBlue1966
08-26-2008, 03:48 PM
Listen... I would NEVER say that to anyone... seriously ...and I am a man, so I can tell you first hand, you look awesome - don't put up with that crap...wow...

- my 2 cents.. don't even consider surgery, you don't need it..!....

Elliott

Lovely
08-26-2008, 03:57 PM
I've been following this thread, and I must say, you are so strong to send him packing for good!

I still can't believe just how badly he mangled the story of The Frog Prince. To turn a story about how if we look past skin-deep issues we're all more than we seem... gah... into a story about how he basically says he was wasting his time... pfft. Narcisism holds no bounds. Truly.

I've got a different story that fits him better.

Once upon a time there was a frog. He was an ordinary frog, but thought himself a Prince beneath his froggy appearance. If only he could get out of his parent's pond that he was still living in!

A beautiful Princess happened by the pond one day, and the frog called to her. "Beautiful Princess! I am a Prince trapped in the body of a frog. If you would but help me out of this pond, I'll return to my normal self and we'll live happily ever after!"

The Princess wondered curiously, "If all you must do is leave the pond, why not leap from the water yourself?"

The frog replied, "Oh how simple of you Princess, if it were that easy I would've already done it."

So the Princess leaned down and with one hand pulled the frog from the water and put him on the land. When the frog did not immediately turn into a Prince, the Princess asked, "You're on land now, why haven't you turned into a Prince?"

The frog retorted, "How simple of you Princess, if it were that easy I may have already asked a passerby to help me out. What I truly need to break this spell is to be held lovingly by a beautiful maiden such as yourself."

The Princess knelt on the ground and allowed the frog to leap to her hands where she held him. "How long must I hold you lovingly before you turn into a Prince?" the Princess asked.

"Oh, how very simple of you Princess," The frog laughed, "If it were that easy to turn into a Prince, I would have already been able to find a beautiful maiden to hold me. Truly, the final thing I need to turn into a Prince is to be kissed by a Princess such as yourself."

The Princess, wanting to follow this through, brought the frog to her lips and gently kissed him. But, nothing happened. Frustrated, the Princess exclaimed, "I've done everything you asked, but you're still not a Prince!"

The frog snapped back, "Oh simple Princess, you must have done it wrong!"

At this point, the Princess stood gracefully and tossed the frog by one leg back into the pond. From that day forward she decided she'd never try looking for a Prince in a pond, and she lived happily ever after. ~

JayEll
08-26-2008, 04:16 PM
Faerie! Yessssss!!! :broc: :broc: :broc:

Jay

WarMaiden
08-26-2008, 04:55 PM
I bet he told Ms. India she needed to lose weight, too. And so she dumped him for the jerk he is.

Congrats on losing that 180 pounds of extra flab :)

Naia
08-26-2008, 09:52 PM
A good book on enabling is "co-dependent no more" by melanie Beattie. Thank you!! I'll try that one :)

... to the left, to the left. Everything you own, in a box, to the left... :)

lol. Now if I could just get it all to fit in a box...

Naia, I checked out your weight loss page, you look lovely in your pictures and I like the whole lotus flower theme, I'm assuming you did that on purpose? Given the whole background of the lotus flower?
Thank you!! and, I did. I love the lotus flower, and when I saw it available as a theme, I knew it was for me. Not only the symbolism and meaning behind the lotus, but it was something I loved before I met the newly-exed bf, that sort of got warped with him being Indian and his family (not him) practicing Hinduism. So not only is it a flower that grows up through the muck and mire to blossom in the sun, and a symbol of enlightenment (among other things), it's also reclaiming something that was mine.

Naia -- you look great in your photos, congrats on all your hard work!

Thank you!! You guys here are an inspiration to keep it up, especially seeing all your blogs and before and after pictures. It gives me hope when the days of exercise stretch endlessly out before me :-D

Faerie -- Thank you for that story. I think I'm going to have to print that out and keep it. Thank you, thank you!!

Thank you everyone for your posts and comments and support! I seem to be filling my time with the forums/blog and exercising... which is a pretty good thing, I think. I went to the gym at 9pm last night, and powered myself through with some angry girl music. It does a body good. :)

Naia
08-26-2008, 09:55 PM
- my 2 cents.. don't even consider surgery, you don't need it..!....


Thank-you!!

Gale02
08-26-2008, 10:10 PM
Naia,

I just wanted to pop in here and say that I am so proud of you for heaving that millstone you were with!

You are a truly, stunningly beautiful woman and there are plenty of men out there who will see that. You absolutely don't need surgery, your ex is a nutcase!

Naia
08-26-2008, 11:07 PM
You are a truly, stunningly beautiful woman and there are plenty of men out there who will see that. You absolutely don't need surgery, your ex is a nutcase!

Thank you so much!

My whole issue with surgery (well, besides the fact that he wanted some sort of affidavit signed in blood that I would do it), is that I don't know yet what I will look like when this weight loss is all done. I still have over 60 pounds to lose. Maybe I will have saggy parts that drive me so crazy that I want to do it... but, right now... I can't willingly consent to surgery. They (he and the mom) keep trying to say that it's no big deal, but it is to me. If it's my saggy bits vs pain & scars... I think I'm choosing the sag :)

mollymom
08-26-2008, 11:54 PM
Thank you so much!

They (he and the mom) keep trying to say that it's no big deal, but it is to me. If it's my saggy bits vs pain & scars... I think I'm choosing the sag :)

And so THEY have done it have THEY so THEY can give an informed opinion as to "It's no big deal" GEESH! I like your choice!

KLK
08-27-2008, 12:07 AM
... he and his mom need to take a long walk off a short pier.



Thank you so much!

They (he and the mom) keep trying to say that it's no big deal, but it is to me.

k8t
08-27-2008, 02:18 AM
They (he and the mom) keep trying to say that it's no big deal

Oh Jeez...What a winning pair...The Frog Prince and the Frog Queen...If the world is lucky, his prior prediction will prove accurate and he will die alone - having failed to reproduce. My hubby would say, "That is one gene pool that obviously needs a little chlorine in it."

Naia, you're beautiful in your pictures!

Quixotica
08-27-2008, 12:53 PM
Hi Naia,
I have not read through all of the other responses, so I don't know if anyone has responded with the same reply I am about to give, but here goes:

If it is not unconditional love from my mate, I don't want it. I wouldn't want to have children with that person, either. What if your child was born with a birth defect, less than perfect? Would there be acceptance there? I have a friend whose child was born with Down's Syndrome. She and her husband lovingly embraced their baby and have adapted their lives and their ability to love to include less than "perfect".

You are beautiful and smart and desirable. Some people use our imperfections to control us and to make us feel less worthy. My MIL has harassed me about weight for years to the point that I no longer want to be around her. It is all guised under "caring about my health". But at some point a person should realize the pain and hurt they are causing and stop. I hope you can look at your BF comments as a problem with him, not with you.

So far as the biological clock, you are right, it is ticking. It is an important issue at your age and one that has to be considered when chosing a mate.
I hope this works out well for you. I have watched one of my friends grieve her childlessness. It just did not happen for her and she wanted it so much.
Note the quote at the bottom of my signature. I took it to heart long, long ago.

Sheri

iggysweightloss
08-27-2008, 03:38 PM
I think you are beautiful and you need to keep your head up. If you do not want the surgery than it is simple it is your choice NOT his or his mommy! Be strong my dear, you look amazing!

Ookpik
08-27-2008, 05:27 PM
I was looking at your before and after pics and you are beautiful -- at any size -- and you will find someone who loves you unconditionally. I'm pretty much in the same boat as you. I am single and 37, and I think I wouldn't mind having kids, but I haven't met any man I want to have kids with, and I'd rather be single than settle. My mother had me when she was 42 (I wasn't her first) and I have a cousin who had her youngest child at 47, so maybe you (and I) will be those women who have kids in their later years. I've heard that having children can drive a couple further apart--rather than closer together--so you've done the right thing by throwing the guy out!

ladybugnessa
08-27-2008, 05:39 PM
he and his MOM?

why does a mother have any say in what a 40 year old man does or thinks?

I'm so sorry.

my first husband emotionally beat me. I left him at 29 fat with two small boys (one disabled) NO job, NO skills, NOTHING.... no sense of self, no self-esteem. him telling me always I was WRONG...

thankfully my folks helped me.

i got my sense of self back... i lost weight (and regained it) and lost it and regained it again...

i'm so sorry this man has taken so much from you.

Naia
08-27-2008, 09:39 PM
Thank you all for your continuing support, and all your comments. It's keeping my resolve strong. I changed the ringer on my cellphone so I would be reminded when he called, too :-)

I had been thinking recently about the whole kid situation -- I wouldn't want to subject a child to his moods. I can't imagine having to explain that your father doesn't really mean those things he just said to you, he's just in a bad mood. Awful. And there's a good chance if I had a son, he would have hemophilia. Unless I did the whole in vitro thing and let them choose healthy eggs. So there's a whole extra component to the children situation.

I had a semi-bad night last night. Instead of eating dinner or working out, I took a nap, and then ate ice cream & had chips instead of real food. The calories weren't anymore than if I had eaten a healthy dinner & snack... but it was just that it was ice cream and tortilla chips. Not the healthy type of calories I'm aiming for.

I was just in one of those moods, you know? I realized today that TOM is coming, so that explains some of it. That, and the fact my grampa spilled a plate of food behind the refrigerator which I then had to pull out (and it's a BIG fridge), and clean up the mess, then shove back... but I pushed too hard, so the electric went out, and I had to pull it out again and fix the plug, restart the breaker... Which meant I had to immediately re-set all the clocks because my grampa has this thing where every clock must be immediately set down to the second. Who knows what would happen if a clock was left unset! The horror, the catastrophe! The blank clock face!

Then the house phone rings (no caller ID), and yes, it is the ex. He wants to talk about GRE books, telling me he's signed up to take the GRE and is going back to get his master's degree. He does ask how my day was, which I answer in generalizations, as I just want to get off the phone. He keeps asking however, until he finally asks, so what have you done after work? And I realize, what he really wants to know is, Did You Work Out??

Now, just two weeks ago, I probably would've lied and told him what he wanted to hear, that I did, indeed (lie) go to the gym. But now I just say the truth, simply. No. Him: So, you flaked out!?!

Now, this makes me mad, and I tell him so. The term "flake" has negative connotations, and if he is going to call and go through the motions of being friends, then I don't want to listen to any negativity. It's not his business anymore if I go to the gym or don't go to the gym, or indeed if I ever work out again. It's my choice, and I don't want any judgments from him.

So of course, now it's 10pm, I didn't work out, I didn't eat dinner... so I eat my allotted dinner calories as chips and icecream and watch mindless tv until bed.

It's like, since he wants me to do it... I refuse to do it. Even when I *really* want to do it. As if since he wants it, if I do it, it's his. And I want it to be mine. I don't know if that makes sense, but I do know that it's just a leeeetle bit counter-productive :dizzy:

My new goal is to make healthy choices for myself based on what I need to do FOR MYSELF, not based in a short-term "i want" from emotional backlash I may be feeling.

One day at a time! :)

JayEll
08-27-2008, 09:49 PM
Ha! That's called a sucker play. He calls up so he can talk about GRE books (as though perhaps he needs your input), and once he gets you staying on the line, he can hardly wait to make you a Bad Girl...

You didn't know it was going to be him, but, next time, you say, "Oh gosh, we're expecting an important call so I can't talk, and I'm in the middle of something. I have to hang up now. Bye bye." click.

The less you talk to him the better.

Jay

Transformer08
08-27-2008, 09:51 PM
Wow! I just sat mesmerized and read this whole 6 page thread. My goodness you are so strong and so brave!! You kick butt and deserve so much better than that scumbag could ever give you.

Congrats on making such a fantastic life change. That seriously took so much resolve! I'm proud of you!!

:carrot:

retiredone
08-27-2008, 09:51 PM
Yes, don't let him control you any longer. I've read the whole thread and I think you've done the right thing getting rid of your ex.

ladybugnessa
08-27-2008, 09:58 PM
Ha! That's called a sucker play. He calls up so he can talk about GRE books (as though perhaps he needs your input), and once he gets you staying on the line, he can hardly wait to make you a Bad Girl...

You didn't know it was going to be him, but, next time, you say, "Oh gosh, we're expecting an important call so I can't talk, and I'm in the middle of something. I have to hang up now. Bye bye." click.

The less you talk to him the better.

Jay


yeah don't talk to him.... let him leave voice mail even. but get someone else to record the outgoing message or he may call just to hear your voice.

choirgirlhotel
08-28-2008, 03:10 AM
Holy! I just came here for some meal planning help, but clicked on this thread and was instantly absorbed.

I want to share with you something that has changed my life, and I can guarantee will change yours. Just listen to the little player on the right side for a clip, but there's MUCH more more to be learned....
http://www.insyncwithoppositesex.com/products/insync.html

You will be absolutely amazed at the information Alison gives and it will totally and completely help you through this time.

I think that it took an amazing amount of strength, courage and the ability to HONOR YOURSELF with your decision. I especially love that you did it so fast! It's true what one other poster said -- every minute you spend on him is a minute wasted.

Listen to the above audio CD workshop and you will see....Please let me know if you order it/listen to it and what you think!!!

~choirgirl~

PS - I agree with everyone, don't talk to him. It'll just make things harder, and there's nothing really to say at this point.

Manick
08-28-2008, 01:56 PM
Oh, I understand that control thing in the head all too well! The way for you to OWN yourself and your food and your workouts is to keep them to yourself! Not eating something or choosing to eat something to spite someone else or despite someone else...ack...its a losing battle for YOU. And you have to protect you.

I echo what Jay and Nessa have said--don't talk to him. He's not capable of being a friend to you right now, it's not his business what you do, how you do it, etc. As time goes by you will be stronger and able to own your own choices. If you have a bad day...so what? Get up and make the next day better!

I like the flat tire analogy: if you get a flat tire do you hop out and say "oh its all shot to heck now, might as well give up..." and pop the 3 remaining tires? No! You change the tire and keep going.

You're doing great Naia! :hug: It's going to take time, but GOOD FOR YOU! Good for honoring yourself and choosing a healthy, sane life for YOU!

Annita
08-28-2008, 04:11 PM
i've been followed your thread and just want to say an encouragement to you. What you have been doing is strong and totally right. keep it strong ^-^
btw, avoid talking with him. If he calls your cellphone, don't receive it. If he calls your homephone, tell him "i'm busy and i'll ttyl when i have time", then hang up.
HOpe you best wishes.

chickybird
08-28-2008, 08:27 PM
I like what someone said about having a friend record your voice message, so he can't call just to hear your voice. I'd ask a guy friend to do it, just to get him to think twice and back off.

Naia
08-28-2008, 09:57 PM
With my grandfather staying with me, no one ever gets a chance to hear the message machine so if the X-BF's calling to hear me, he's going to get a grouchy, gruff old man instead :D No matter what time it is, my grandpa *must* get the phone. Never mind that he's partially deaf, and refuses to wear a hearing aid. So I think I'll just stop answering the house phone, and let him talk to my hard-of-hearing grampa. :)

I did, however, pick up the phone out of habit this morning, and it was him, asking if he could stop by tonight to pick up some of his clothes. Before I realized what I was doing (habit, habit, must break these yes-habits!) I said sure. Now I'm thinking maybe I'll just put all his clothes into some bags, and leave them out for him. I'm just not sure where I'd go, since I don't know what time he might be there. Maybe I'll just pretend not to be home. Though I do need to go to the gym.

I must get back on my workout/diet plan. The last few days I've let this push me off plan a little/ I think I'm going to do like Manick suggested and keep my plan/foods/workouts to myself, for my own. Well, myself plus the blog/forums :) Because everyone here rocks! :D

I realized what a negative influence he is on my foods, when he called (cellphone, I didn't answer) as I was driving, and I immediately had a craving to drive through McDonalds. It was all I could do not to pull over. Then, I did give in and have some M&M's from a co-workers desk. 11 m&m's. I had resisted them since I started my new plan (maybe I'll tell her to keep them inside her desk, instead of on the corner!!). The days I didn't talk to him, I did sooo well exercising and eating. I think you all are right, and I need to not talk to him at all.

I have to remind myself, I'm doing this for me!

Thank you all for helping me stay strong and keep on track!! And for all the advice and suggestions, and support! Yay, 3FC :grouphug:

CountingDown
08-28-2008, 10:17 PM
Definitely DO NOT ANSWER THE DOOR if you are home. Congrats on the M&Ms - that is really hard to limit - and you did GREAT.

Keep remembering that you WANT to exercise. You WANT to succeed - for YOU, for no one else. You are doing this for YOU!
Stay strong! You are in my prayers!

You WILL do this - for YOU!!!!

And - for the record - I can't WAIT to see your posts 6 months from now - about the awesome guy you have met and how wonderful the relationship is going :)

Mark my words ...

Lovely
08-28-2008, 10:18 PM
Gather his clothes into a bag... and let your grandfather open the door & hand him the bag :)

AmberD
08-28-2008, 11:31 PM
I read this thread from start to finish so far and I just have to say, you're completely amazing and strong.

I'm so glad you're doing what's right for you.

KLK
08-28-2008, 11:45 PM
Yes, and while you're elsewhere being fabulous, he has to beg your grandpa for his clothes! :D

Gather his clothes into a bag... and let your grandfather open the door & hand him the bag :)

mollymom
08-29-2008, 12:03 AM
OOOH I want to be elsewhere being fabulous. Is there a travel agency that I can book that with?;)

swtgila
08-29-2008, 12:18 AM
WOW! I stumbled on this thread tonight as I am a single gal and I am so happy for you! I agree from the beginning...he is a loser...I'm glad you "lost" him! Cut ties with him...you seem to be so much happier in all your later posts (without him) and having to be on those eggshells to keep him "loving you". ANd normal????? He wants to be with a normal girl? That is insane! Hollywood actors, skinny models, LA sun gods are not normal! ANd from what I can see from your avatar, u r beautiful! Stunning actually. Good luck to ya!

Tomato
08-29-2008, 10:21 AM
Naia,

You definitely should not be home when he comes to collect his clothes. I kind hate pretending I am not at home (if I have to do it) but you said you need to go to the gym so go. Or go to a store and get yourself something cute - you deserve it.
You need to get call ID so that you never pick up the phone when he calls.

21katykat01
08-29-2008, 06:36 PM
Hey Naia,

Like a lot of other people I just picked up this thread and you're my hero! :D You're straight out of some movie with the leading heroine who makesa difference to her life and says **** you to the evil villain!

YOU GO GIRL!

And you are beautiful so he is clearly blind as well as stupid, arrogant and all the other bad things.

You're the best! Remember that! :D

Thin4Good
08-30-2008, 01:11 AM
He does ask how my day was, which I answer in generalizations, as I just want to get off the phone. He keeps asking however, until he finally asks, so what have you done after work? And I realize, what he really wants to know is, Did You Work Out??

Now, just two weeks ago, I probably would've lied and told him what he wanted to hear, that I did, indeed (lie) go to the gym. But now I just say the truth, simply. No. Him: So, you flaked out!?!

Now, this makes me mad, and I tell him so. The term "flake" has negative connotations, and if he is going to call and go through the motions of being friends, then I don't want to listen to any negativity. It's not his business anymore if I go to the gym or don't go to the gym, or indeed if I ever work out again. It's my choice, and I don't want any judgments from him.

So of course, now it's 10pm, I didn't work out, I didn't eat dinner... so I eat my allotted dinner calories as chips and icecream and watch mindless tv until bed.

It's like, since he wants me to do it... I refuse to do it. Even when I *really* want to do it. As if since he wants it, if I do it, it's his. And I want it to be mine. I don't know if that makes sense, but I do know that it's just a leeeetle bit counter-productive :dizzy:

My new goal is to make healthy choices for myself based on what I need to do FOR MYSELF, not based in a short-term "i want" from emotional backlash I may be feeling.

One day at a time! :)



Next time he starts questioning you (if you even talk to him) instead of lying or not lying, you also have another option...

"It is none of your business what I did. - You need to come get your things out of my house. The salvation army is scheduled to come pick them up on _____." - Repeat as needed. :hug: (I would actually call them and schedule a date you find reasonable in the near future. )

As for your recent unhealthy choices - I think you should cut yourself a break - that doesn't mean you need to give up. Just get up.

- He was trying to control your weight loss but YOU are the one that has been busting your tail to get as far as you have. NOT HIM! Don't let him take that away from you. It was never his.

You are beautiful. - He is definitely a frog.

Diva
08-30-2008, 07:41 AM
I was wondering how everyone's SO or if single, their boyfriends/new dates, have reacted to the weight loss (and loose skin that comes with it) ?

Have they been overall supportive and a help, or not supportive and afraid of the change, or toooo supportive and go all super-trainer on you 24/7? Anyone receive ultimatums? Or go through a relationship upheaval due to weight loss/loose skin alone?

I've been dating a guy for over 4 years, and while he's supportive and loves the weight loss... but he's sometimes too supportive. If you know what I mean. Like, gets mad at me for not being super gung-ho obsessed with diet and exercise. And he's given ultimatums. He is disturbed by the amount of loose skin & cellulite. Sometimes he looks up things I can do to get rid of loose skin & cellulite and tells me the treatments. Other than that, he's very loving and supportive :dz:

He says he thinks I'm the one for him and that he loves me, and while sometimes he's attracted... a lot of times he's a little grossed out. He wants to spend his life with a "normal" looking girl. I know, it doesn't sound so nice, but how can I blame him when I can see exactly what he's seeing? It's not a pretty picture. He says he wants my outside to be beautiful so that it reflects the beauty inside, so that everyone can see what he knows.

I think he's rather selfish & shallow, but overall he's a nice guy. Even if what he says sounds horrible, he's really not a horrible person. I've never told anyone (friends, family, etc) how he feels, because I know if I told anyone that he doesn't want to get married until I've lost weight and had plastic surgery to remove loose skin they'd think he was awful. But no one can really understand, except those of us who have the weight to lose, or have lost weight. Regular people just don't know what it means to know you're a good and worthwhile person, but still know that your skin looks disgusting. I think if I was just large, but firm and smooth skinned, it wouldn't be such a big issue. It's that my skin is all cottage cheese and loose and hangs... and I still have 60 pounds to lose.

Right now I'm 36 and single, and have never had kids. We've been dating for over 4 years, and I just feel like.. if I'm ever going to get married and have kids I'm going to have to do it soon. I'll be too old to have kids in just a few years. I want to lose weight for me, not him. But I agree with him that the loose skin is kind of yucky. But, as someone told me the other day on my blog... if I decided to get skin surgery it has to be for ME too, not for him. Even if he tries to tell me that if I loved him, I would do these things for him.

I was just wondering if anyone else has gone through this with their guy, or what they did go through with their guy. It would be lovely if all SO's & guys we date were supportive and loved us just how we look, but I know that doesn't happen all the time. If it did happen and you have a good story, I'd love to hear that too!

I think he sounds like a total A-hole and it's my opinion that you'd be better off without him. I don't see how you can say that he does & says all these hurtful things and in the SAME sentence say "but he's a nice guy" HUH?! I disagree completely and I hope you don't settle for this jerk.

Gamerchick
08-30-2008, 01:59 PM
I've recently given up on relationships, as I feel I'm too young to worry about someone other than myself. But, the guy I'll be with one day has to accept my weight/skin/everything, or else it's a no go. I don't want conditions on someone loving me. :?: I used to do that to myself, and then feel this intense feeling to rebel against that person. It makes me miserable and it's counter productive. If there is no guy in the world who will accept me as I am and love me full-heartedly, I guess I'll be single forever :P I can just pay for my baby.

JustSharing83
08-30-2008, 03:27 PM
I am lucky to have such a supportive fiance... A lot of it is probably because he weighs just a little more than I do so we diet together. It's constant support, as we eat together and exercise together (only downside is that we also fail together)

He has never said a mean thing about my body and goes out of his way to try to prove that he thinks I'm beautiful and wonderful in every way.

I couldn't do this without him.

Diva
08-30-2008, 03:44 PM
Naia,
I didn't read this entire thread yet this morning when I posted a response, so it was totally out of anger at him for treating you that way. Now that I am FINALLY done; :lol: I am soooooo glad you gave him the boot! Stick to your guns girly, because that was the first day in 4 yrs you started living for YOU! I am so proud of you. You are a beautiful, strong, funny, and smart chicky!!!! Rock on sista!!!! You can do this!!!

CaffeineIV
08-30-2008, 04:08 PM
I really should read though all the threads, but just your first post made me so livid that I'll type now and deal with whatever the rest of the responses are later!

I'm sorry, you may have gotten things to working beautifully with him or you may have dumped him by now...I don't know. I personally don't think you need to put up with crud like that!

Sounds controlling. He's given ultimatums?! How so...lose the weight or I don't stick around? Fine...go. I've been married almost 11 years. The only ultimatum I can think of that I've ever made was just last week. My husband mentioned he needed a new seat for his bike (he is insane, does 100 mile rides). I told him no seat till he figures out something to get for a play structure for the boys in the backyard...something he was doing already but just a bit slowly. :D That is IT...I think of ultimatums as a form of blackmail...controlling someone else so you get what you want whether they want it or not. NOT GOOD!!! Sorry, there may be lots of caps in this post...I'm really quite angry for you.

So he thinks you are the one for him, but he wants to spend his life with a "normal" looking girl?! What if you looked like a super model and then got burned in a fire...would that mean he no longer had to spend his life with you because you weren't "normal" looking anymore?! Has he actually told you he's a little grossed out sometimes!?! You can blame him because if he can't deal with how you look, he can go somewhere else and you can have someone who CAN! You do not need someone who is grossed out by you...that is not good for your self esteem and if I said swear words I'd be using several right nowso let's just add some *'s and you can make up your own. **************************!!!


He says he thinks I'm the one for him and that he loves me, and while sometimes he's attracted... a lot of times he's a little grossed out. He wants to spend his life with a "normal" looking girl. I know, it doesn't sound so nice, but how can I blame him when I can see exactly what he's seeing? It's not a pretty picture. He says he wants my outside to be beautiful so that it reflects the beauty inside, so that everyone can see what he knows.


You THINK he's selfish and shallow? Yes, he is. You never ever ever EVER say things that you know could hurt your spouse. My husband married a woman who weighed 120-125. I was that way for 2 years, then...bam, epilepsy hit me and in 3 months I weighed 192 pounds because of the medication. He STILL says I'm beautiful. He's fine with me the way I am, and if he wasn't it would be HIS fault, not something that is my fault! He is supportive if I want to lose weight. The only thing that may have been even remotely close to being "too" supportive (and wasn't) was when I just got so frustrated one day I decided to be absolutely horrible and go crazy. I had made the boys mac&cheese&tuna caserole. He said "well, don't blow your diet on that...find something better to blow it on" so he picked up some green curry for me on the way home. He knew better than to tell me not to because I'd had a hard day and was going crazy anyway...he might as well help me to enjoy whatever it is I'm blowing it on.

I HATE to look in the mirror, I had 2 boys and because of hypertension I was gaining 1/2 a pound a day for TEN WEEKS. Imagine how stretched out your skin gets if the day you go off medication because you gained 50 pounds in one month you find out you are pregnant and then start retaining water. I looked bigger at 6 months than any of my pregnant friends ever looked the day they delivered. I swear I should volunteer my stomach for skin graft testing on injured people...I have enough. Even still...my husband finds me beautiful...inside and out. He may be a nice guy, but he certainly isn't showing it. No, he may not be an awful person, but he certainly has awful manners and an awful way of showing respect for the person you are!


I think he's rather selfish & shallow, but overall he's a nice guy. Even if what he says sounds horrible, he's really not a horrible person. I've never told anyone (friends, family, etc) how he feels, because I know if I told anyone that he doesn't want to get married until I've lost weight and had plastic surgery to remove loose skin they'd think he was awful.


You NEVER NEVER NEVER get married if you are having those "if I don't do it now it may never happen" sort of thoughts! That is not the reason to get married! My aunt is now in her 50's, never did get married but she adopted 2 kids from China. She has more freedom than a married person does actually...she can decide they are going on vacation to visit her family or not. She doesn't have to do a joint decision on whether they get a new car. Having worked in an orphanage in a 3rd world country I am all for adoption whenever someone can. Personally sweetheart...if it is between this guy and being a single mom...I say single mom. Another one of those HUGE red flags is the "if you love me you'll ___". Again, that is blackmail. If YOU loved me you'd accept me for who I am and how I am and would support me by telling me that you love me no matter what!!!!!!! That is the sort of person who will continue to blackmail you for the rest of your life. They will try to turn you into the person THEY want you to be, and won't let you be who you are and who you want to be. You marry someone because you love them as they are, not because you love what you think they could be if they'd just change how you want them to! Ok, rant over. I'm still seething. I'll read through some of the posts (the last ones first looking for developments). I hope I haven't offended you, but I don't mince words when I see someone being mistreated which is what your post was showing!


Right now I'm 36 and single, and have never had kids. We've been dating for over 4 years, and I just feel like.. if I'm ever going to get married and have kids I'm going to have to do it soon. I'll be too old to have kids in just a few years. I want to lose weight for me, not him. But I agree with him that the loose skin is kind of yucky. But, as someone told me the other day on my blog... if I decided to get skin surgery it has to be for ME too, not for him. Even if he tries to tell me that if I loved him, I would do these things for him.

CaffeineIV
08-30-2008, 04:38 PM
whew...just read all 8 pages. I'm glad you got rid of him, but he sounds like he certainly has the clingy/stalker mentality. I would just tell him flat out that no, you don't want to hear from him. Tell him he can call at your house at 5:00pm to get his clothes from your grandpa otherwise they will be on the porch in a bag and if he doesn't get them they will be going to the goodwill by next Friday and you will mail him the receipt. You were in an abusive relationship, they are hard to get out of because you get brainwashed. Abusers find people who will allow themselves to be abused. If you don't continue to stand up to him and stand FIRMLY, he will continue trying because he might sense uncertainty and latch onto it. The less stern and abrupt with him you are, the more you'll have to keep shoving him away because he'll keep coming back. You do NOT want or deserve to have him back. Let his mom have him.

Dianeofnka
08-30-2008, 04:48 PM
I've read through this thread and just have to say: Yay, Naia! This is wonderful that you have been able to do this for yourself. You can only control what you do and how you react to things -- thank goodness you can let him go!

Please don't beat yourself up about not doing x,y, or z today. That is today; tomorrow is another day. There are always going to be tough days!

Ufi
08-30-2008, 07:31 PM
Don't forget to give him EVERYTHING of his, otherwise anything he doesn't pick up will become an excuse to get in contact with you again and continue to make you feel bad.

Naia
08-31-2008, 03:47 AM
Keep remembering that you WANT to exercise. You WANT to succeed - for YOU, for no one else. You are doing this for YOU!
Stay strong! You are in my prayers!

You WILL do this - for YOU!!!!

And - for the record - I can't WAIT to see your posts 6 months from now - about the awesome guy you have met and how wonderful the relationship is going :)

Mark my words ...

I hope!!! Thank you for this post -- it really helped me out yesterday. I will do this, and it'll be for ME. Thank you!!!

Naia,
I didn't read this entire thread yet this morning when I posted a response, so it was totally out of anger at him for treating you that way. Now that I am FINALLY done; :lol: I am soooooo glad you gave him the boot! Stick to your guns girly, because that was the first day in 4 yrs you started living for YOU! I am so proud of you. You are a beautiful, strong, funny, and smart chicky!!!! Rock on sista!!!! You can do this!!!

lol-- I know this thread is getting long! And it's actually good to see people's anger -- I always lose mine, so it makes me remember, hey! I should be mad about this!!!!

ANd normal????? He wants to be with a normal girl? That is insane! Hollywood actors, skinny models, LA sun gods are not normal! I know! That's what I said! If you want to see normal, look at the median body fat percentage of our country! Or the average dress size of women! *NOT* all the airbrushed magazines, size 0 models or the artificially enhanced starlets!

You marry someone because you love them as they are, not because you love what you think they could be if they'd just change how you want them to! Ok, rant over. I'm still seething. I'll read through some of the posts (the last ones first looking for developments). I hope I haven't offended you, but I don't mince words when I see someone being mistreated which is what your post was showing!

Not offended at all! The opposite!! I needed to hear all of that, it's good for me to read and remember. Remember why I was in the right for doing this, and why I should stay strong, and that I wasn't just imagining that it was bad behavior. Sometimes I start to feel like I make too much of it, like... it's just a little thing, just once in a while... And then I read a post like yours and it sort of wakes me up again, keeps me on track. Thank you!!

Naia
08-31-2008, 03:50 AM
Hi all !!! :) You guys make me feel so good!! Thank you soo much for your continuing support & comments & nice words!!! I keep going back and reading everyone's posts, both to keep me feeling upbeat when I start to get down, and to keep my resolve when I feel like I might start to waver. Because even though I know it wasn't a healthy relationship, it was a long, complicated relationship of practically being in eachother's pockets 24/7, and that leaves a hole.

I'm happy to have found the boards, and also happy I have two kittens to help fill that place (they're loving all the new attention,btw). It's also quite nice getting to do whatever I want, whenever I want to. Not because he was controlling on a day to day basis (he wasn't), but just because... I'm finding when it's only yourself, it's rather freeing. (Because I CAN! :) )

I did go to the gym the other night, and left his clothes with my grandpa. I came back, saw his car in the driveway and then drove around listening to my audiobook. I figured it was worth the price of gasoline :D

However, I guess he came in, did a few things around the house he'd said he was going to do before all this happened (fix a sticking door, change the light in the garage, etc), and then ended up "forgetting" his stuff. I haven't talked to him since.

I don't want to vilify him, but I don't want to excuse him either. Caffeine, you're right. Even if he is a nice guy in most ways, the way he's shown respect for me is awful. I'd said he was basically a good guy, because he's done so many good and helpful things for those around him that I can't even begin to name them. But, it doesn't excuse what he says when he gets mad, or even what he says on accident without even knowing he's saying something bad!

It's like he's a little boy, and he has in his head what the ideal woman is. Instead of growing up and realizing she doesn't exist, he wants me desperately to become her. And every time he comes to, and realizes I'm *not* going to be this fictional image he has in his head, he throws a tantrum. Then, like all childish tantrums, when it comes to an end a few hours later he's sorry and contrite. The tantrums may happen only every few months, but the "insert foot into mouth" comments like the frog & prince and "frumpy" or "dowdy" happen way too often. And I'm just tired of it.

That last fit was just one too many. After seeing the situation reflected back to me here with all your comments, I realized, I'd had enough. I can't help him grow up. I know if I were to give in to his overtures, that in just another couple months I'd be right back in this place again.

It's like.. weight loss. I know if I give in and binge eat for the next three months, I'd be back to where I was before and have to do all that hard work again. And it's not worth it. I may have some bad days (both with him and with my weight loss!!) but I just have to stick it out. The only big plus -- with him, once it's all done, it'll be done! (instead of like the weight, which I know I will need to be aware of forever)

This weekend I'm trying to get all his stuff into one place. I didn't realize just how much stuff he has here! I also went to Costco, and was proud of myself for resisting all those little taste booths. But then, afterwards, I bought a great big poppyseed muffin. On another plus side though, I did go to the gym again and did cardio and weights. I'm really starting to like the feeling of strength that weights give you. They do make me think of him (he was a big lifter), but I'm going to own them as mine, anyway. So there, Mr. 9% bodyfat! :devil:

JayEll
08-31-2008, 07:47 AM
You are doing great, Naia! I know it's hard to go through a breakup, even if it's the right thing to do. Good for you for being brave and strong!

Just one question--how did he get in the house? Did your grandpa let him in? I think the locks need changing...

You can always mail him his stuff. It doesn't cost that much.

Jay

rmc9142
08-31-2008, 01:25 PM
Naia, I too spent some time reading this whole thread this morning and your x-bf must be crazy! You are clearly beautiful, but more than that, from your posts we can see what an intelligent, humorous, well-spoken woman you are. And the fact that you take care of your Grampa is just lovely. At whatever weight you are, it's his loss! May your next SO recognize you for the strong, wonderful person you are.

Ufi
08-31-2008, 05:09 PM
Good for you! I'm sure he "forgot" his stuff on purpose. He probably did those chores to make you "realize how much you need him." Maybe you have a friend who would drop his stuff off to him? Or a messenger service?

The way he behaves sounds so classic cycle of violence. Glad you're getting out before he does too much damage.

Gale02
09-07-2008, 10:24 PM
Naia,

How are things going?

mollymom
09-07-2008, 10:56 PM
TO **** with him, I want to hear more about the kittens! I "self-medicated" with kittens for years....is how I ended up with four cats LOL Sadly now I am down to three due to being Murphy getting old and diabetic and I wouldn't thank him for seventeen years of love by poking him with a needle twice a day.

I was considering circulating my picture at the Humane Society with notice saying "NO MORE KITTENS FOR THIS WOMAN!" I realized all my furkids were adopted in December...just at the beginning of Seasonal Affective Disorder time. Fortunately they all grew up to be very cuddly and affectionate and playful, but there is still nothing like burying your nose in a soft purring kitten tummy.:D I like to say I sleep with three men every night ...neutered men, but gentle, loving, non-critical, adore me for who I am men ;)

Naia
09-08-2008, 03:05 AM
Naia,

How are things going?

Funny you should ask today, because they were going really well until this weekend. We'd had some civil conversations, and things seemed smooth. Then, this weekend, we were at the same wedding where everyone thought we were still together and I had to go around telling people we weren't, while he was telling them we were.

So tonight we had a talk about it, because I wanted to know why he was telling people we were still together. And he said he thought we were! That just because we were on a break didn't mean we were broken up. And then it turned into the whole big conversation/argument again. How he thought I wanted to lose weight, and how I told him at the beginning of our relationship I wanted to lose weight, so the only reason I was fighting him on this was some "psychology" of mine. He just can't deal with the drama and "psychology". And I was like... you're the drama king here, *I* thought this was all done with, you're the one who has "psychology" to deal with!

Then it turned into a "you're choosing this" and "once I date other people, it'll be completely over between us, there's no going back" and "we've put nearly 5 years of our lives into this, and you're willing to throw it away because I want you to do something that you already want to do!". I realized they were just manipulations, but it was a very emotional night. He just left an hour ago, saying he thinks if this is "my choice" then he thinks we need a clean break.

TO **** with him, I want to hear more about the kittens! I "self-medicated" with kittens for years....is how I ended up with four cats LOL Sadly now I am down to three due to being Murphy getting old and diabetic and I wouldn't thank him for seventeen years of love by poking him with a needle twice a day.

After this argument, I went directly to the kittens! They were sleeping, but they didn't mind being scooped up and loved :) I think a cat's purr can soothe just about anything.

Molly, I have 3 also! They really are so cute. The kittens are nearing 7 months now, one's a long-haired black boy who is just a little lover, and the other is a dilute tortie girl. She has soft gray, peach and white in a multi-colored pattern all over and is soooo inquisitive. I also have a grown-up cat, and he is finally getting used to the little ones. I lost my best-friend cat this past May to lymphoma. He was a trooper, and the last thing I could really do for him was to let him go. He'd been with me 12 years, and was so dedicated -- he really was more dog than cat.

I got the kittens a couple months later from a rescue agency, they're brother & sister and had been abandoned. If I could, I think I would definitely adopt all the animals out there! I've been known to keep a bag of treats in my car, just in case I find a stray who needs taken care of :)

I like to say I sleep with three men every night ...neutered men, but gentle, loving, non-critical, adore me for who I am men ;)

LOL! I love that. One of the best things about him being gone, is the fact the kittens can now sleep with me!

Thinking of, he said one other thing that is bothering me. That he thought I must be fine with myself and like myself the way I am (which sounded like an insult, the way it was said), or else I would've lost the weight by now. If it was a priority, I would put it first and lose the weight. But since I haven't, it must not be a priority.

I don't know if this is true or not. I struggle to accept myself for who I am rather than what I look like, and definitely have self-hate days, but I have times where I am happy and do think I'm fine-- that my weight doesn't define me. So yeah, maybe sometimes I am fine with myself. But I do really *want* to lose weight. Since I haven't been successful, maybe I haven't put it as a top priority. I've given myself lots of excuses over the years. But -- I don't necessarily think that wanting something and following it all the way through are synonymous. Just because I haven't succeeded doesn't mean I don't want it, and doesn't mean I won't be successful in the future. I really didn't like the implications of what he said.

Okay, after writing a little, I think I feel better now. Thank you all for being there!:)

JayEll
09-08-2008, 07:50 AM
Hey Naia,

Once you no longer allow yourself to be subjected to that man's judgments you'll be better able to see what you yourself want and follow through on it.

It always sounds so strange to me when a man takes such a big interest in a woman's weight loss. I don't mean being supportive, I mean as though suddenly they are the drill sargeant who had the idea in the first place. To my way of thinking it's a sure sign that the man wants to make the woman over to fit some sort of ideal in his head. And if the woman has been going along with this for awhile out of some mistaken idea that that's love, it's no wonder she is confused about what she really wants.

Stay away from him. Don't have these "civil conversations." My suggestion is that you break from him completely--no phone calls, no running into each other, no exchanges of personal belongings, blah blah blah. Just stay away. I think it would be GREAT if things were over between you and there was no going back. :yes:

Jay

Lovely
09-08-2008, 01:18 PM
Then it turned into a "you're choosing this" and "once I date other people, it'll be completely over between us, there's no going back" and "we've put nearly 5 years of our lives into this, and you're willing to throw it away because I want you to do something that you already want to do!". I realized they were just manipulations, but it was a very emotional night. He just left an hour ago, saying he thinks if this is "my choice" then he thinks we need a clean break.



It already is over. He just didn't realize it. Probably sad and annoyed that it was you that broke up with him. What he says just makes it seem like he's just trying now to save face & be the one who "chooses" to break up with you.



Thinking of, he said one other thing that is bothering me. That he thought I must be fine with myself and like myself the way I am (which sounded like an insult, the way it was said), or else I would've lost the weight by now.


There's nothing wrong with liking yourself, but knowing where improvements can be made! I like myself. I can certainly be healthier. So that's what I'm working towards. That's what we're all working towards. Continue to like yourself the way you are. You know you're making changes. There is only one person you have to answer, so look yourself in the mirror and find out what that person really thinks.

Continue to stay strong! :hug:

findingmyzen
09-08-2008, 05:10 PM
I was wondering how everyone's SO or if single, their boyfriends/new dates, have reacted to the weight loss (and loose skin that comes with it) ?

Have they been overall supportive and a help, or not supportive and afraid of the change, or toooo supportive and go all super-trainer on you 24/7? Anyone receive ultimatums? Or go through a relationship upheaval due to weight loss/loose skin alone?

I've been dating a guy for over 4 years, and while he's supportive and loves the weight loss... but he's sometimes too supportive. If you know what I mean. Like, gets mad at me for not being super gung-ho obsessed with diet and exercise. And he's given ultimatums. He is disturbed by the amount of loose skin & cellulite. Sometimes he looks up things I can do to get rid of loose skin & cellulite and tells me the treatments. Other than that, he's very loving and supportive :dz:

He says he thinks I'm the one for him and that he loves me, and while sometimes he's attracted... a lot of times he's a little grossed out. He wants to spend his life with a "normal" looking girl. I know, it doesn't sound so nice, but how can I blame him when I can see exactly what he's seeing? It's not a pretty picture. He says he wants my outside to be beautiful so that it reflects the beauty inside, so that everyone can see what he knows.

I think he's rather selfish & shallow, but overall he's a nice guy. Even if what he says sounds horrible, he's really not a horrible person. I've never told anyone (friends, family, etc) how he feels, because I know if I told anyone that he doesn't want to get married until I've lost weight and had plastic surgery to remove loose skin they'd think he was awful. But no one can really understand, except those of us who have the weight to lose, or have lost weight. Regular people just don't know what it means to know you're a good and worthwhile person, but still know that your skin looks disgusting. I think if I was just large, but firm and smooth skinned, it wouldn't be such a big issue. It's that my skin is all cottage cheese and loose and hangs... and I still have 60 pounds to lose.

Right now I'm 36 and single, and have never had kids. We've been dating for over 4 years, and I just feel like.. if I'm ever going to get married and have kids I'm going to have to do it soon. I'll be too old to have kids in just a few years. I want to lose weight for me, not him. But I agree with him that the loose skin is kind of yucky. But, as someone told me the other day on my blog... if I decided to get skin surgery it has to be for ME too, not for him. Even if he tries to tell me that if I loved him, I would do these things for him.

I was just wondering if anyone else has gone through this with their guy, or what they did go through with their guy. It would be lovely if all SO's & guys we date were supportive and loved us just how we look, but I know that doesn't happen all the time. If it did happen and you have a good story, I'd love to hear that too!

there's a difference between being supportive and being ultimative...that's wrong for him to tell you that he loves you but from your weight loss you gross him out. That would hurt me so much, I don't think I could live with that....if he truly loved you he'd love you for you. Enough said. Good luck.

mollymom
09-08-2008, 08:52 PM
I don't know how to quote accurately , and I end up quoting whole darn posts but "I MUST BE FINE WITH MYSELF OR I WOULD HAVE LOST THE WEIGHT" or something to that effect?

Well that is the final nail in his coffin for me..just pass me the hammer and I will dig the hole and cover him up too. That shows clearly that unless you are "at an ideal weight" there is nothing else to be admired or celebrated about you/me/all of us here as complete people and not just our bodies...OOOH he is lucky this woman isn't closer or he would need serious surgery to put himself back together if I ever got near him, and no woman judge would convict me for the assault either.

We are so much more than our external appearances and that is the battle we fight everyday.

I may not have a perfect *** but I have two degrees, I am kind, I am a great cook, I have a great sense of humour. I am a great friend, a good teacher, kind to children and animals. I donate to charity, take art classes, I can paint, and sew and fix more stuff around the house than a lot of men! I am a published author, I conduct teaching workshops, I could give gardening seminars. I speak two languages fairly fluently and I can say : "WHere is my hotel? More wine please. Where is the bathroom? and Could I have some non-sparkling water?" in a few more. I can balance a budget and I manage my own investments! I can book a flight online, and I hooked up my own satellite, TV and entertainment center thank you! IN addition I pay my own bills, manage my own household, cut my grass, put out my own garbage. BUT I MUST BE FINE WITH MYSELF OR I WOULD HAVE LOST THE WEIGHT BY NOW? I am fine with everything about myself, and I am losing the weight for myself...not for anyone.

OOOOOOOOOH.....GRRRRRRR...but I guess none of that counts due to my body if HE were judging me. SMACK SMACK SMACK! NAIA next time you see him...SMACK HIM..and say that is from my friend MOLLYMOM!:devil: (I hope this made some sense because it is hard to see through the red mist LOL)

2 dogs 1 lady
09-08-2008, 09:02 PM
Isn't this an intersting topic. My ex....(still live in the same house) says he loves me either way, big or small...but he too bugs the crap out of me when I do not eat right..complains about the money I have wasted on programs. Yet he smokes and eats allot of junk, has an adversion to veggies, and eats once a day...
Now that we have split up, I spend my money how I want to, and I feel better about it. He also doesn't have any right to nag at me regarding my eating or not.
I worry that who ever I find down the road, may not like the weightloss/etc, but if they do no , then they obviously won't be the right one for me.;)

Gale02
09-08-2008, 09:57 PM
Thinking of, he said one other thing that is bothering me. That he thought I must be fine with myself and like myself the way I am (which sounded like an insult, the way it was said), or else I would've lost the weight by now. If it was a priority, I would put it first and lose the weight. But since I haven't, it must not be a priority.

I don't know if this is true or not. I struggle to accept myself for who I am rather than what I look like, and definitely have self-hate days, but I have times where I am happy and do think I'm fine-- that my weight doesn't define me. So yeah, maybe sometimes I am fine with myself. But I do really *want* to lose weight. Since I haven't been successful, maybe I haven't put it as a top priority. I've given myself lots of excuses over the years. But -- I don't necessarily think that wanting something and following it all the way through are synonymous. Just because I haven't succeeded doesn't mean I don't want it, and doesn't mean I won't be successful in the future. I really didn't like the implications of what he said.

Naia,
You hit the nail right on the head with what I put in bold above... your weight doesn't define you! It doesn't mean it's not important and that you're not working darn hard at improving something you don't necessarily like the most about yourself, but that it isn't who you are. It only defines what size clothing you wear and maybe how fast you can run a mile, not what kind of character a person has. If it did, maybe mister "9% body fat" would have some character. As it is, I still think you made the very best decision... a clean break sounds like exactly what you need. You recognize that he's trying to manipulate you into getting back together and a big, fat, BRAVO!! to you for not giving in to him. Better 5 years invested then 50 years, right? You got out before it was too late, before it couldn't all be undone. GOOD FOR YOU!!

Now go cuddle up with those adorable little kittens of yours... pets are awesome for bringing on a smile. :D

Gale02
09-08-2008, 09:59 PM
P.S. - I want to take issue with you saying that you "haven't been successful" losing weight. Girl, you've lost 75 pounds! SEVENTY FIVE!! That's huge, awesome, earth-shattering success! Just because you're not quite at goal yet doesn't mean you aren't successful. Even if you didn't lose another ounce, you've still been wildly successful in weight loss.

I'm just sayin'. :)

Naia
09-09-2008, 06:47 AM
Hi Jay :) I agree! It has to be completely over. It sucks that there are still friends we knew together and events I don't want to miss just because he might show up too. I know he can push buttons just because he knows me, so the farther apart we are the better I am able to see clearly. I'm just going to have to completely distance myself from him.

Faerie-- Thankyou! I think you're exactly right. He wanted to feel like he still had the power, and try to make things all my fault again so that he could save face, and not be the one broken up with. I loved when you said: There's nothing wrong with liking yourself, but knowing where improvements can be made! I like myself. I can certainly be healthier. So that's what I'm working towards.

That's what I needed to think of in the moment! He just spun my head a little, and I couldn't think of how to express myself. But yes, that's it. You can like yourself, but still know where you want to improve. Not unlike wanting to improve your vocabulary, or go back to school, or do anything that improves or enriches your life.

Well that is the final nail in his coffin for me..just pass me the hammer and I will dig the hole and cover him up too.

Molly, LOL! I know just the spot to bury him in! :devil: Loved your post -- you are one impressive person! I think you should come over and hit him on the head! I have a nice big cast iron skillet....

What really ticks me, is that he expects everything -- for someone to be smart, nice, nurturing, independent, non-needy, non-witchy, successful AND have whatever he considers to be the "ideal" face & body. If one of those is missing, then it practically negates everything else. I told him maybe next time he should give up a few of the other things, so he can get the "looks" in. Go for someone a little more needy & insecure, who will kowtow to his every wish. But, he's not my problem anymore, and he can think whatever he wants, because I don't have to listen! :woohoo:

And, I just have to say, this was a perfect statement to me: "We are so much more than our external appearances and that is the battle we fight everyday. " So true.


Naia,
You hit the nail right on the head with what I put in bold above... your weight doesn't define you! It doesn't mean it's not important and that you're not working darn hard at improving something you don't necessarily like the most about yourself, but that it isn't who you are. It only defines what size clothing you wear and maybe how fast you can run a mile, not what kind of character a person has. If it did, maybe mister "9% body fat" would have some character.

Thank you! If I were still talking to him, I think I'd tell him exactly that. Especially when he says that if I want someone who will accept me for how I look, then I'm going to have to accept that person for being either ugly or fat, because they would be the only type of guys to overlook it. And I would say "better that, than overlooking a lack of character, like I did with you!"

P.S. - I want to take issue with you saying that you "haven't been successful" losing weight. Girl, you've lost 75 pounds! SEVENTY FIVE!! That's huge, awesome, earth-shattering success! Just because you're not quite at goal yet doesn't mean you aren't successful. Even if you didn't lose another ounce, you've still been wildly successful in weight loss.

I'm just sayin'. :)

oohh... you're right! :D Thank you!! Sometimes I forget because it's taken so long (and i've been with the Stupid One for so long), and I recently slipped from the 170's to the 190's (amazing how that can happen so fast!!!). But you're right, I am over half way to the goal! I need to remember that, so thank you again!!

2dogs 1 lady - If there's one thing I've learned through this, it's that if they don't accept you for who you are..... run! I'll be much quicker in the future to cut my losses when some issue like this comes up. Like Gale said, better 5 years than 50... but next time I'll take 5 months over the 5 years :D

dmz1962
09-09-2008, 06:12 PM
I just came across this thread today. I cried and I laughed while reading through all the posts. I joined this community in July because I had gained about 20 pounds after I quit smoking in May. I was 175 lbs. already so this 20 pounds brought me up to 195 lbs. I knew when I quit smoking that gaining weight was a possibility but I felt working through one thing at a time was a good thing. My boyfriend of the past 5 years apparently did not think so because he has not spoken to me since 2 days before my 46th birthday this past July. When I last saw him he asked how much weight I had gained, I told him I was not sure but about 10-20 lbs., and while he did not say anything he gave me that "disapproving look" A few minutes later he told me to go home as he was going to bed early. He has not called me since and personally I felt there was no reason for me to call him. There are some items of mine that were left at his home but I can not even bring myself to go get them because I do not even want to see him. Making my long story short just to say I know what you are going through. Way to go Naia, you deserve so much better. I. like many others, am cheering you on.

Hypra
09-24-2008, 10:40 PM
I was just kinda bored and browsing through posts..I did not expect to find something this moving and inspirational! But something bothered me:

you keep saying your @ss exboyfriend wants someone who is the 'whole package', and how unreasonable that is. Uh, hello...you ARE the whole package. You are friggin hot. Skinny does not = attractive. But your face, your hair, your presence, how proportionate you are... now THAT is sexy. Weather you loose or gain 50 pounds from how you are right now, you have so many things going for you (purely in terms of appearance) that you would still be smoking!

It's not that you need to find a guy who doesnt require you to be the whole package. You need to find a guy who realizes you already are!

grinnyface
09-24-2008, 11:29 PM
he expects everything -- for someone to be smart, nice, nurturing, independent, non-needy, non-witchy, successful AND have whatever he considers to be the "ideal" face & body. If one of those is missing, then it practically negates everything else.

Naia- I just wanted to quote you re: his ideals. I've read this thread from its start and it seems to me that while you have your own goal and improvements to work toward, he has never once said to you" while you are working so hard to improve this I will work hard to improve something about myself." Nothing is more encouraging than someone who shares in your hard work. With his lofty ideals, any woman that he finds in the future that actually possesses any smarts, independence, or nice demeanor would quickly kick his butt to the curb once they realized what type of man hereally is.
So I know changes, especially ones of the heart are hard once you've put so much of yourself into them(4 years is a long time!), but you've made the right choice. With this alleviation of stress in your life your other goals will be much more easily attainable. I will be sending you lots of beautiful energy in abundance.:hug:

Lyn2007
09-25-2008, 02:52 AM
Wow this is an interesting thread. I need to keep reading... just wanted to share a bit of experience.

My first husband married me at 140 pounds and very fit. He was happy with my body then, and was just as supportive and accepting as I got up to 200 pounds and back down to 168 again. We divorced for unrelated issues, and then the unrelenting taunting about my weight ensued. He made fun of me in front of our kids.

My second husband married me at 260ish pounds and loved my body up through 278, at which point he said my butt was perfect and he loved my body. I had some health issues and we both knew I needed to lose weight. (He had never been with a heavy person before but had been very supportive of me either way). When I started losing weight things fell apart, but I am not sure if it is really related to the weight, or his worry I might get thin and want someone new, or what. But he said things like, "I am not attracted to skinny women." I lost 60 pounds and he said he no longer wanted to be married. He did not relate it to the weight whatsoever. Now he is gone and I want to reconcile, but not sure what's going to happen.

I have to lose the weight no matter what he thinks or does. We all have to do what is best for OUR lives.

Skinny4baby
09-30-2008, 01:32 PM
After reading this whole thread on a rather depressing day for myself...I am wondering How are you doing?:hug: It has been awhile since you posted to this thread...Is anyone thinking what I am thinking?..LOL!:dizzy:

psych_girl
09-30-2008, 03:49 PM
Okay, you have obviously gotten a zillion responses to this post, but I gotta put in my 2 cents!!

This is NOT the guy you want to grow old with, is it?? Would you make the same demands on him?? What if crocodiles bit off his face tomorrow and he was horribly disfigured? Would you still love him, or be grossed out? Do not sell yourself short, you deserve to be loved for who you are, not how hot you look so he can show you off to his friends!! Sorry, but I was single for a long time before the love of my life showed up, and everyday I am grateful that I didn't settle for those guys that 'loved me, but...'! (Does that make sense?)

I have gained 50lbs+ since we first got together. And he is a big workout junkie (and so much better at dieting than I am)! I worried about gaining weight - you know that he wouldn't love me as much, or would be embarrassed by me. I worried unnecessarily - and thank God everyday that this man loves me for who I am!

You deserve no less, you are gorgeous and if the loose skin bothers you - that is one thing, but you cannot do this to make him happy. What happens when you start getting wrinkles, or (God fobid) you had something else happen that was health related. You want a guy is is THERE, through thick and thin, and WANTS to be there because he thinks that you are the most amazing thing in the universe!!!

I know I am sounding very harsh, but like you said, you only have a few years left to have kids, I would break up with this guy immediately and look for that real love-of-your-life. You deserve it and you will find it if that is what you expect to find. I truly believe that.

All of this is said with the utmost of love and kindness to you - I hope that things work out for you in the best possible way!!

__________________________________________________ ___

Guess I should have read the whole post!! Ha ha!! Good for you!! Be firm in your resolve - remember you are strong and fabulous!! And you deserve so much better!!

SandiSweets
09-30-2008, 06:43 PM
It seems to me that you're in a little bit of denial. Him thinking and saying those things in a loving relationship is just not acceptable, or at least it shouldn't be. I've lost weight before and had to deal with cellulite and loose hangy skin, but my boyfriend would never in a million years tell me I gross him out sometimes, or tell me if I loved him I would get surgery! He doesn't love you unconditionally. I think you are just thinking you need to settle for this guy because of your age and you want kids soon. Saying he won't marry you unless you get the surgery? How could you continue to want to be with someone who can say that to you and is supposed to love you? You need to get rid of this shallow guy and find someone who deserves you! You lost so much weight and look so hot! Find a man who also thinks so! <3

My heart would be broken if the love of my life said this kinda stuff to me. And I wouldn't take it for a second! Sure I'd love a little surgery in the end.. but my bf of 7 years actually hates the idea of me getting any kinda cosmetic stuff done.

Edit: Didn't read more than the first few posts.. sorry

Naia
02-19-2010, 06:28 AM
So, it's been what.... a year and a half since these posts?

I fell off the weightloss wagon hard -- I must have knocked myself out, because I then just stayed there for the rest of 2009! Where did the year go? At least I stayed clear of the whole X-factor.

That is. Until. (is that psycho music playing???) He came back!!

So that's why I'm resurrecting this from the ghosts of posts gone past. I'm not sure what I think and seem to be going around in circles in my head. I have a theory that just like eating too much makes you unaware of what real hunger feels like, thinking too much makes you unaware of a what a really true thought or emotion feels like.

So. If you've read thru this, you know I had a superficial boyfriend who loved me, but couldn't commit unless I did dramatic weight loss and plastic surgery. We did the "break up, make up, break up, make up" thing as years went by. Then, one comment too many, I came here, found the strength thru the validation of my emotions to say NO and bring the cycle to the end. (With a little luck from Mother Nature -- he become suddenly and violently allergic to one of my new kittens!).

So. Now it's 2010. On January 2nd, who shows up, crying, on my doorstep? YES! He's made the worst mistake in his life, and he wants me for who I am, just exactly how I look, he's been stupid, I'm the best person for him. Big speech worthy of the ending climax scene of a romantic comedy. He wants to be together.

I, of course, tell him, no. We can be friends. He's gone thru a bad experience, and I'm the only one he feels he can trust and turn to (even though we've hardly spoken in 9 months). I can't leave a man to have a break-down on my steps, so he comes inside.

I'm nice, and helpful and like always, "his rock". Basically telling him to shut it, and it's not so big and important as he thinks, and to just get on with the daily business of living. He keeps repeating he should've asked me to marry him years ago.

So then. Sunday. (Yes, Valentine's Day). He shows up. Balloon. Flowers. Takes me out to our favourite restaurant. I'm thinking, this is weird. Then asking about the future. This is even weirder.

Then.

Yes. no. Yes. It's a ring. And he asks me to marry him. Declares he's had a life change epiphany, and he realizes that it's the other people in your life that make life important. He wants children now, and he wants someone to be with and grow old with, and nothing else is important. He wants that person to be me. His life is happier with me in it.

It's all very sweet, and would make women cry in a good chickflick. But... I am not crying. I'm in shock. What the h*ll was he thinking?? This wasn't even supposed to be a date! or if it was, it was a get to know you again type of date. I'm not even near saying yes. But I can't bring myself to say no. What was he thinking? I just stare at the ring, without even taking it out of the box.

It's been a year and a half since we broke up!! You don't ask your ex to marry you! Do you? I couldn't say yes or no, so I just sat there until prompted, and said I'd have to think about it. For a long time. A very long time.

Maybe I'll copy some of these posts and show him, to remind him of his past behavior. Has his epiphany changed him so much that he wouldn't revert?

I can't imagine him not reverting. Everyone reverts, don't they? You can't just change like that. Or at least if you do, you can't expect people to trust it! And it's been so long, I don't even know if I have feelings for him any longer. Although I haven't been able to muster of feelings for anyone, lately.

Sorry for the long ramble in the defunct post listing, I just had to come somewhere and say it all outloud. Friends and family will either be in the YAY GET MARRIED camp or the BOOO DUMP EMO camp, and I didn't want to start a war :D

I was just feeling free of him, and now it's all scrambled back up again!

And I'm at the highest weight I've been in years, 226. He's only seen me at this weight once, right at the beginning, 6-7 years ago. I guess it means something that he could propose at this weight. But I dont' know what to think.

I don't know what I think or feel, and I don't know how much to trust what he thinks and feels. He says he knew I would want to wait, but he wanted to propose and give me a ring to prove that he was serious.

It was quite funny, really. After he'd asked, and we'd talked all about it, and he told me to keep the ring anyway while I think....then the wait staff came over with a special romantic dessert and sang congratulations to us! He was like, "Yeah, congratulations, you're *not* getting married!"

Shmead
02-19-2010, 08:22 AM
There's been no epiphany, and it's not a question of reverting--he hasn't changed at all. He's still using drama to manipulate you, creating situations where he's the "good guy" and you have to do what he wants or be a b****. Listen to yourself:

I can't leave a man to have a break-down on my steps, so he comes inside.

Showing up at someone's doorstep unannounced for an emotional heart-to-heart is romantic if you are 1) in a movie or 2) 14. He put you in a situation where you had to deal with him right that minute, putting aside whatever else you were doing, because he assumed that nothing else could matter as much as an old boyfriend. And you had to go along, because otherwise you would have felt like a heartless *****.

.then the wait staff came over with a special romantic dessert and sang congratulations to us! He was like, "Yeah, congratulations, you're *not* getting married!"

And here, he ends the evening my making sure to humilate you/make you feel guilty by telling perfect strangers how, basically, he did this huge nice thing and you ruined it.

It doesn't matter what he feels. I am sure that he loves you as deeply and as profoundly as any man ever loved a woman. He just doesn't see any connection between that feeling, which is absolutely real, and how he should treat you--for you, for most normal people, loving someone means not hurting them. The connection is so obvious that it's absolutely assumed. But for some people it's not there. It's like moms who beat their children. They love their kids. They absolutely do. They've just got some weird wiring where having that feeling doesn't tell them not to hurt them.

It doesn't matter if he loves you. All that matters is that he doesn't mind hurting you.

ladybugnessa
02-19-2010, 10:03 AM
he's still manipulating you. he still is playing games and blackmailing you.

say no.

westernsoutherngirl
02-19-2010, 10:25 AM
Run from this - don't walk - RUN! He is toxic!

KicknKnit
02-19-2010, 11:30 AM
And I'm at the highest weight I've been in years, 226. He's only seen me at this weight once, right at the beginning, 6-7 years ago. I guess it means something that he could propose at this weight. But I dont' know what to think.



Yes, it means he has you right where he wants you.. he thinks you are in a place where you are struggling, self concious and ripe for abuse. Prove him wrong. Walk away.

JulieJ08
02-19-2010, 01:15 PM
First, what Schmead said. She said it so well.


He's gone thru a bad experience, and I'm the only one he feels he can trust and turn to

Yeah, that happens when you treat people like crap. The ones willing to put up with it become fewer and fewer.


And it's been so long, I don't even know if I have feelings for him any longer.

You don't muster up feeling of love. You don't love him.


I guess it means something that he could propose at this weight.

It means you think you deserve to "settle." :(

Don't do it!

aluxa
02-19-2010, 01:49 PM
Run away from him. He only loves himself. When I meet my husband my weight was 130 and I ballooned to 190; his love for me never changed. When I decided to start dieting he supported me and I lost 70 pounds. After that events on our life (and my bad decisions or ways to cope with those events) make me gain weight back and now my weight is 192. On that weight rollercoaster his love never has changed because he loves my way of thinking, my feelings, and what it is inside of me. Obviously he is supportive when I make changes that are beneficial for my health. However, he loves me no matter how I look. He also married me when I was 190. Your EX-boyfriend has a complete different concept about love. I know from your post that you wanted to marry him. However, what would happen if he does not like your way of aging in the future. You may be able to lose weight and to get surgery to remove your skin. However, you will not be able to stop your natural process of aging. Do you want to live with someone that it is more worried about how the others look at you two than about how the things between you two are?

Tomato
02-19-2010, 02:49 PM
Hi Naia,

It was a pleasant surprise to see your thread resurface again. I thought about you, for unknown reasons, many many times and I wondered what happened to you and your relationship.

I did not realize at first that this was the original thread from 2008 and I didn't realize that it was you who started it. I simply saw a thread that I didn't remember so I started to read. When I came to the part where you (in the very first post) state that you have been dating this man for 4 years, my first thought was "Oh sheesh, so she is still with him!!" Only then I realized that this is the original thread from 2008 (gosh, I can't believe it has been a year and a half ago when you posted this).

I don't know what to say. First of all, yes, people can and do change, but I believe that something of the previous behaviour will always lurk beneath the surface. I think I know I am talking about since I went throug a major personal transformation myself, but I know that often the old thoughts kick in or whisper to your inner ear and it takes a major effort to reign them back in.
I feel that your ex-BF ambushed you with his marriage proposal - you were right, one doesn't pop the question after being out of contact with the other person for some 9 months or so. It's like he is so SURE that you are still there waiting for him (because he is such a catch), and available after all that time. You will have to think really hard about you are going to do and mainly, about what you want. Would you be EVER able to feel comfortable with him naked, knowing he criticized your body some 50 or 60 lbs ago? Yeah, I know, he says he loves you what who you are but talk is cheap.
I just hope that you will do some major soul searching before you decide, either way. You owe that to yourself. I think you have become a happy and FREE person and I would not want you to lose that ever again.

As always, my continued wishes of good luck and lots of hugs.

ennay
02-19-2010, 06:44 PM
No.

If he had changed he would be doing everything possible to prove it ON YOUR TERMS not his. Which means NOT rushing you in to a commitment before he has taken the time to show you he has really changed. Rushing to commitment is another abusive behavior. Grand romantic gestures in the absence of substance are also abusive red flags.

Give the ring back. Dont let him have that iota of control.

A man who had changed would understand that he needs to earn your trust and respect, not demand it.

Cali Doll
02-19-2010, 07:37 PM
No.

If he had changed he would be doing everything possible to prove it ON YOUR TERMS not his. Which means NOT rushing you in to a commitment before he has taken the time to show you he has really changed. Rushing to commitment is another abusive behavior. Grand romantic gestures in the absence of substance are also abusive red flags.

Give the ring back. Dont let him have that iota of control.

A man who had changed would understand that he needs to earn your trust and respect, not demand it.

I agree with this wholeheartedly. Please don't settle.

fashinjunkie09
02-20-2010, 12:26 AM
Wow. I have read this entire thread (and I hardly ever do that) and I just want to say (no, beg) please take these ladies' advice! Good luck, I know it won't be easy. :hug:

Doughnut
02-20-2010, 09:16 AM
I'm probably going to get shouted down for bluntness here but I can't believe you've posted this. You've shown yourself to be a bright, intelligent and articulate woman and yet you say "I don't know what to think". Er, yes you do. If you agree to marry him or actually have this fool taking up anymore or your life then it'll be your own fault I'm afraid. Breaking free of him took courage but choosing to go back to him would be weak. You're worth so much more.

mkyice
02-20-2010, 09:43 AM
Let this guy go and find a man who loves you for you, not what you look like, who is supportive of healthy weight loss because he is for anything that gives him a longer life with you.
And don't feel like you have to have a guy in your life for you to have a wonderful, full, and happy life...You are good enough just as you are.

Wild Vulpix
02-21-2010, 02:41 AM
Don't forget what you've said earlier in this thread!

You do NOT want this man to be the father of your future children! Even if he was magically able to change his standards and decided he's been too harsh... underneath that revelation, he's still the same man that you decided was not father material. Furthermore, he's the same man that gave you a hard time for watching the programs you wanted to watch, and forced you to make him sammiches. I'm sure THAT hasn't changed! (Especially if he's been living with his mother this whole time ;) )

three herring
02-21-2010, 11:36 AM
Wow, that sure is a tough one, but I think your heart is trying to tell you something. Yes, people can change, but it'll take time to see if it is true. If you decide to go with it, have a long engagement and see how it works, how he behaves. From the outside looking in, I would suspect something, as after a parting like that, dating should resume slowly. Hope you find your happiness in whatever you choose.

beautybooty
02-21-2010, 12:33 PM
In my opinion, if you are needing advice from us about saying yes then you know the answer... when someone proposes to you it should be something you don't have to think about. Not to say it never works out for those who do need to take some time, but you deserve to be asked by someone that doesn't make you doubt what the right answer is.

polka23
10-31-2010, 05:17 PM
Hey how are things now? I REALLY hope you stayed away from him. If its too hard to break it off for your own sake (and I know sometimes women cant bring themselves to do things for themselves), then think of your future kids and the kind of father theyll have. I had a father like that and I cant even begin to tell you how much its done to me. please do not stay with him!!!!

SpoonSockSpork12
10-31-2010, 09:10 PM
This is my first time reading through this thread and I am very concerned that she's not come back since the proposal. :(

AZ Sunrises
11-01-2010, 12:36 AM
I was wondering how everyone's SO or if single, their boyfriends/new dates, have reacted to the weight loss (and loose skin that comes with it) ?

Have they been overall supportive and a help, or not supportive and afraid of the change, or toooo supportive and go all super-trainer on you 24/7? Anyone receive ultimatums? Or go through a relationship upheaval due to weight loss/loose skin alone?

I've been dating a guy for over 4 years, and while he's supportive and loves the weight loss... but he's sometimes too supportive. If you know what I mean. Like, gets mad at me for not being super gung-ho obsessed with diet and exercise. And he's given ultimatums. He is disturbed by the amount of loose skin & cellulite. Sometimes he looks up things I can do to get rid of loose skin & cellulite and tells me the treatments. Other than that, he's very loving and supportive :dz:

He says he thinks I'm the one for him and that he loves me, and while sometimes he's attracted... a lot of times he's a little grossed out. He wants to spend his life with a "normal" looking girl. I know, it doesn't sound so nice, but how can I blame him when I can see exactly what he's seeing? It's not a pretty picture. He says he wants my outside to be beautiful so that it reflects the beauty inside, so that everyone can see what he knows.

I think he's rather selfish & shallow, but overall he's a nice guy. Even if what he says sounds horrible, he's really not a horrible person. I've never told anyone (friends, family, etc) how he feels, because I know if I told anyone that he doesn't want to get married until I've lost weight and had plastic surgery to remove loose skin they'd think he was awful. But no one can really understand, except those of us who have the weight to lose, or have lost weight. Regular people just don't know what it means to know you're a good and worthwhile person, but still know that your skin looks disgusting. I think if I was just large, but firm and smooth skinned, it wouldn't be such a big issue. It's that my skin is all cottage cheese and loose and hangs... and I still have 60 pounds to lose.

Right now I'm 36 and single, and have never had kids. We've been dating for over 4 years, and I just feel like.. if I'm ever going to get married and have kids I'm going to have to do it soon. I'll be too old to have kids in just a few years. I want to lose weight for me, not him. But I agree with him that the loose skin is kind of yucky. But, as someone told me the other day on my blog... if I decided to get skin surgery it has to be for ME too, not for him. Even if he tries to tell me that if I loved him, I would do these things for him.

I was just wondering if anyone else has gone through this with their guy, or what they did go through with their guy. It would be lovely if all SO's & guys we date were supportive and loved us just how we look, but I know that doesn't happen all the time. If it did happen and you have a good story, I'd love to hear that too!

I haven't read anyone else's responses...but I have a feeling that when you're at goal and if you choose cosmetic surgery, you'll find yourself looking for better opportunities. He's looking for an upgraded version of you. You deserve an upgrade too.

racrane
03-23-2011, 09:12 PM
I ended up reading the whole thread as well. I'm concerned for her!

indiblue
03-24-2011, 12:33 AM
A bit OT but wanted to throw out there future discussions could read "SO's The guys/girls we date." I wouldn't want 3FCs who are not in traditional opposite-sex relationships to feel excluded from participating in conversations about SOs, which is a huge part of the weight loss support system :)