So this is a bit long, but I need to get some things off of my chest.
I've always been fat, as long as I can remember. I think maybe a picture taken when I was about four (and thus too young to remember) may have shown a slim child me, but I've never been skinny. A little chubby, yes, then chubby, then carrying a few extra pounds, then overweight, then on my way to obesity, and hello! I've arrived.
And it's hard to battle it on my own. I could never dream of talking to my friends (because they're all skinny) and bringing it up would mean that it's real, and we're talking about the elephant in the room. And even though I know that everyone is obviously aware of my size, I don't want to say it out loud. But also because they're not the supportive, love you no matter what friends. It's not uncommon for them to do a once-over (focussing on my arms or thighs) when we're talking and then resume their conversation as though nothing happened even though they know well that I've noticed their glances. And it just feels like people treat me differently. Teacher are friendly enough but then they do the same - look at my legs as though they can't believe that such a young girl could get so horrificly fat without doing something about it.
And it definitely holds me back so much - my friend invited me to her birthday party and i was set to go until she mentioned the possibility of a pool. I invented a migraine and sat by my computer.
But the absolute worst are those flippant remarks about someone's "fatness," like "oh Tyra Banks is sooo fat" or "Oh my god that guy was obese" and me tensing at the f-word because after they say their comment, someone always kind of half-turns to me and gives me a quick glance, and I don't know if they realized that someone fat is sitting beside them or if they're trying to convey that the comment was a not-so-subtle reminder that they know I'm fat.
And I know I have no one to blame but myself. I know that I'm the one eating atrocious amounts of food - especially after I come back form school and enter the safety of my house where I can be a total pig and no one will know. And it's such a cliche, but I do eat to assess my control over my food, even though I have no control over my weight and other people's comments. And yes, I realize that my "friends" aren't the most supportive and kinda taunting, but it was either that or be a social pariah.
So university is starting this fall - and commencement (at the end of October) will be taking place at my school. And I soo want to show up toned and fabulous, and I realize that there's no time like the present to get started on that, but I'm such a failure. I always start strong, but then after two days I fall apart, start binging and then scrap the entire idea because I already ruined everything by eating 3000 calories in one day.
And I know it's a terrible idea and I shouldn't even be thinking, but in a moment of emotional weakness just before I went to sleep, I was seriously considering bulimia so I could continue my disgusting habits but not gain weight so fast.
To give you guys some perspective - last september I was 86 kg, now I'm about 97 kg. That's 190 lb and 213. So I basically broke the 200 pound barrier before I turned 18.
Sorry for writing a novel, but I kind of needed to rant, and there's nothing like the anonymity of a forum, right? :)
08-17-2008, 10:34 PM
how tall are you?
when i was reading your post, I was expecting the amount you weight to be more, not that its different if your 200lbs, or if your 500lbs, I know where your coming from, that you think people are giving you a once over and thinking how big you are, but I think that a lot of that is in your head. I dont think as many people are looking at you as you think..believe me, Ive been there
The first thing you need to do is mind control, I know where your at, Ive been there..and it makes it impossible to lose because your thinking..whats the point? right?
Try to think about it as something you want to do to feel better, and not something you want to do so people arent looking at you as "the fat girl" If you start doing it for other people, its never going to work..for me...I just got to that breaking point where I was like, no more...
second, start with simple things...0 calorie butter, cooking with Pam instead of oil, wheat bread instead of white bread...up your water intake..take away any soda...that type of thing, I think that youll realize that there is a lot you can change in your diet that isnt so hard, that will make a huge difference..
I know it can be hard, but try to eat when your hungry, just change what you eat...instead of chips when you get hungry, eat baby carrots or an apple...make sure that you have protein in your meals because that is something that will make you feel full...eat less beef and more chicken, fish etc...
get out and take a walk...if you walk everyday at least that is excercise...if you do nothing but walk a mile a day you will notice a difference..once you start noticing that your losing weight, you will start wanting to do it..and see more of those numbers drop.
those are just a few things that helped me, I think there are more people that can help you more..
08-17-2008, 10:36 PM
I totally understand your predicament, friend. I've been overweight my entire life, too, and it was weird how much I really looked forward to eating. There never really seemed to be a good reason for it, either, because eating isn't this rare, special thing...I mean, we do it at least 3 times a day, right? So why was it that as soon as I got home from school or work I was immediately going to the cupboard to find something to stuff into my mouth?
I'm happy that you've joined, and I do hope that you've scrapped the bulimia idea in favor of something not only healthier, but something you can carry on for the rest of your life. The cliche is true...The first step really IS the hardest. But the weirdest thing is the rest of it seems to really fall into place, as long as you stick to it and don't get distracted by stupid things like french fries and ice cream.
Whenever I start to fall off the path I think..."Thin and happy, or mouthful of disgusting ice cream. my choice."
The sad part is that sometimes it really is a hard choice to make. :D
But honestly, you'll be SO GLAD that you started doing this for yourself. You'll begin to see someone that has been hiding underneath this whole time, and it'll even make you more excited to GET UP in the morning. Don't get discouraged, keep looking forward!
If you need an accountability buddy, I'm totally there for you. You can message me if you feel like you need a partner.
08-17-2008, 10:46 PM
First :welcome: WE ARE SO GLAD TO HAVE YOU HERE!!! Through your story I was SOOOO hoping you lived close to me!! But I realized when you said your weight in kg that you don't ;) BUMMER!
I DEFINITLEY know what you mean!!! BEEN THERE actually I'm THERE all the time!
You are not alone! And even with the friends issue, I have been in that position... oh gawsh I'm so glad I gave up on them, but at the same time I totally understand why you keep them. By 17 I was 230 lbs (not sure what that is in kg)
I had a boyfriend for a couple months that I fell head over heels in love with and he broke my heart (stomped in the ground).. I was so depressed I decided to kick myself in gear, I was working at Subway and started the Subway diet and walking back and fourth to work everyday... that was the beginning of my weight journey.
Still to this day (I'm now 23years) I go up and down with my weight (about 180-190 currently).
Half the time I don't even want to leave the house because I'm just digusted with myself. But you know this site REALLY helps. Sometimes you just need a FRIEND, a real friend that can UNDERSTAND exactly what you're talking about.
I would love to be your buddy.. and I really hope you stick with this site!!!
08-17-2008, 11:06 PM
Thanks, everyone, for the welcome and the kind words! It's really nice to be among people who are going or have gone through the same thing.
makingthe change - I'm 5'6. The weight is most definitely noticeable on me, and I was about 37% body fat the last time I had the body composition done (January of this year). I know that at least some of the "fat hostility" I feel from people is definitely in my head, but it's hard to not take it to heart when you're surrounded by these teeny little 120-pound people, and you feel like beast standing next to them. And I know that a good diet really does work. About 2 years ago, I cut out all sugar, chocolate, coffee, and just ate lots of fruit, veggies, lean chicken, and I dropped about 12 pounds in 2.5 weeks. But i didn't exercise at all so I was unbelievably tired all the time, and I don't think I was eating enough. So I want to try cutting all the junk out, but eat more and exercise. The amazing thing is, after not having chocolate for 2 weeks I had lost all urge to eat it. I mean, before, I would get horrible cravings that would distract me from doing anything, and after 2 weeks of not eating any form of sugar or chocolate, I had no urge. It was so libertating and a big reason why I want to try the diet again because most of my excess calories come from eating a pile of food in about 10 minutes (totalling 1000+ calories usually) and then feeling disgusting and bloated.
Man, typing this stuff out is amazing - i honestly don't even believe how unhealthy my eating habits are.
RedPorcupine - I know what you mean, sometimes I get so fed up with everything that i start an exercise regiment. But then 2-3 days after grueling workouts, and I see no changes I lose hope and go back to bad food. i love walking, and I used to walk for an hour each night a couple months ago, but that sort of stopped too now.
Jill - hah, I just use kilograms when counting weight because it's more comfortable for me. I use feet/inches for height, because it's easier. I live in Ontario, soon to be Montreal (I'm guessing you thought I was from the UK). And yeah, it's hard to be picky about friends, because most young adults aren't exactly full of tact about helping people cope with weight issues since they themselves are usually thin. And yay, I'd love to be buddies - I really want to start from scratch and just push forward and it'd be create to have someone helping me and who I could help in return.
08-17-2008, 11:17 PM
Hi, FF. Welcome. :)
Reading your posts a few things really jumped out at me so I'm going to comment on those primarily.
The first is that as I read your post, I was sure that you were 400+ pounds the way you described yourself. When I got to your response that you were 218 at 5'6" I nearly fell out of my chair. Realizing that we all carry our weight differently, and while yes, 213 is overweight, you're not the wallowing whale you seem to describe yourself to be. My goodness, I was 237 at my heaviest - at 5'4" - and while I certainly knew I was fat, I never felt the sheer negativity that you seem to feel.
And I guarantee you that most of the "looks" you think you're getting are about how YOU feel about yourself and not how others feel about you. I suspect that many people are reacting to you and how you perceive yourself, and not the way they perceive you.
Which moves on to the total "I can't" attitude that permeates your entire post, especially when you say that you just stick for 2 or 3 days and then give up because you ate 3000 calories.
Something that I read here once and really struck me as true:
If you trip on the top step, do you then throw yourself down the whole flight of stairs because you're obviously unable to walk????
Think about that one. :)
You said you've done it before in the past, although not in a healthy way necessarily. So now is your time - to learn how to be healthy and to learn how to think positively and to learn that slipping up is not "failure". It's just human.
Welcome again ... and hang around.
Redheaded I am
08-17-2008, 11:26 PM
I've been large all of my life as well, so I can completely relate! For me, food was my comfort, my best friend, my security blanket. Food was always there for me and didn't judge me or look at me strangely. Believe me, I've spent most of my life there!
A few things in one of your posts caught my attention:
And I know that a good diet really does work. About 2 years ago, I cut out all sugar, chocolate, coffee, and just ate lots of fruit, veggies, lean chicken, and I dropped about 12 pounds in 2.5 weeks. But i didn't exercise at all so I was unbelievably tired all the time, and I don't think I was eating enough.
It's entirely possible that you weren't tired due to a lack of exercise. It's quite possible that you were tired because you weren't eating enough food, or not eating the right kind of food!
It was so libertating and a big reason why I want to try the diet again because most of my excess calories come from eating a pile of food in about 10 minutes (totalling 1000+ calories usually) and then feeling disgusting and bloated.
What's going to make the difference isn't a "diet", but to change the way you look at food and the way you eat.
Could it be that you're taking on too much at one time, and it becomes overwhelming? That can contribute to feeling hopeless and then binging.
My suggestion would be to take time and read the stickies in the various forums on this site. They are full of really important information about WHAT to eat and HOW MUCH to eat. Getting a good book on nutrition isn't a bad idea either. Start a new way of life slowly, first by educating yourself on what your body needs to function, why, and how much. Then change one thing at at time. In my case, I've been slowly changing my way of eating and the amounts. I've yet to start exercising a lot, but I know I'll get there. I'm already feeling infinitely better than when I ate junk. Add new steps as you feel comfortable with them. It's a way of life that is going to get you safely and permanently to trim and healthy. You can do it!!! :hug:
08-18-2008, 12:15 AM
OK girl lets be weight buddies.. right now I am on NO DIET. Yeah I did just fall off the wagon, I jumped while the driver must have been going 120 mph lol but I just ordered Turbo Jam, this 5 disk workout used for $10 so once it comes I'm going to start working out and counting calories.... lets def start chatting. Sounds like you need me just as bad as I need you!! :)
p.S. PHotochick loved the quote!!
If you trip on the top step, do you then throw yourself down the whole flight of stairs because you're obviously unable to walk????
08-18-2008, 12:54 AM
Photochick, your quote reminds me of something Kaplods said that really stuck with me "Think about things that people only do with dieting and a few other "bad" habits, like gambling and drug use. Only when we're being "naughty" do we have an all or nothing mentality. If we trip on a step, we don't throw ourselves down a stair case. If we accidentally take an extra dose of medication or vitamins - we don't swallow the whole bottle. If we snap irrationally at our spouse, we don't decide we might as well murder him in his sleep."
hugs for you FF! :hug: i know, its hard to accept that you are fat. But here you are, posting! You have accepted it on some level at least. Thats the first step. That wasnt so bad was it? You've really done it now- theres no going back, you have accepted the challenge! :D
Now what? Well, you're going to need a plan. I started out reading Phillip Mills book "Fighting Globesity". Its about saving the planet by looking after yourself but thats not the point. It's a really well written, easy to read, step by step way to getting to better eating and more exercise. Its really motivating, its written a way that makes you think "hey, i think i actually might be able to do that". It also has an eating plan that can get you started, tips for sticking to exercise, and a list of things to work on weekly, so week one might be cut out junk food, week 2 might be minimise fizzy drinks etc. Its a very good book for starting out i found
Peruse these forums at your leisure, they are full of knowledgable, helpful, kind and supportive people. Seriously, you can ask any kind of obscure question on here and someone will know. If you like make a buddy that you can PM and get advice from, be accountable to.
:hug: its going to be ok
08-18-2008, 07:56 AM
You've got a lot of good advice so far! your experience of starting a "diet" only to fall apart after a couple of days is a common one! I think there are lots of reasons diets fail, but one might be because the "diet" they've chosen isn't sustainable for their lifestyle. I know I couldn't survive on a diet of salads and "rabbit food" -- much as I enjoy salads.
My advice is to read read read about different approaches to losing weight and find an approach you think you can work long term.
And taking things one step at a time works for lots of people who are overwhelmed and aren't sure WHAT to do. Maybe take control of one meal (like make sure you eat breakfast!), or choose to add a little extra movement in (park further away, take the stairs more often).
And of course, do ask questions here!
08-18-2008, 09:42 AM
Try planning what you are going to eat in a day the night before or a week at a time when shopping(not sure if you are staying home for university or going away). Then take some time at the end of the day and log in your food into a food diary like the daily plate.com, and then pack it up for the day if you are off to school so you aren't tempted to binge or over eat. Give yourself a some forgiveness and journal all foods even the bad ones, it will help with the process.
One meal at a time, one day at a time and plan plan plan. Move a little if you can also, it really helps with weight loss. Don't go on a diet, change how you eat and move. Visit 3FC on a diet lots.:)
08-18-2008, 10:33 AM
This is a great thread :) I don't have anything new to add, but wanted to encourage you to keep going Fitter! :hug:
08-18-2008, 01:00 PM
Here is my 2 cents. Don't worry about the diet thing right now. Just start by getting yourself into an exercise routine. I find that when I'm regularly working out, the temptation to overeat goes away because I don't want to undo all my hard work. Exercise also does a good job at controlling your appetite. Walking is honestly a great place to start. A few trips around the block everyday will have you feeling better about yourself in no time.
08-18-2008, 08:12 PM
FF I know where your coming from. When I was around 5 or so I was a normal looking kid then after I came to America when I was 6 I ate like a horse. I guess I was amaze at the fact that one electricity was on all the time, two the water didn't get cut off and three most importantly food was everywhere. I know how you feel about the looks and such. I been made fun off most of my life. Kids are bratty and tactless believe me and now I keep being made fun off by adults no less they are men though. I started my weight loss journey this July and hoping I can look better before heading back to my country with my mom on vacation. Where I come from people made fun of me like no tommorow. Even the buses won't pick you up if your too overweight cause you take too much space. Well enough of that.
As for me I exercise everyday though I will have to develop a schedule during college classes this fall. In eatting habits first I decided to stop the soda, and then I decided no more candy though I do allow myself one cheat day a week. And little by little shrunk my portion sizes. I been at this for like a month and a half and lost 14lbs. The most I had weighed was 214lbs and stayed at 210lbs for a while. As for looks and such ignore them. Pretend you don't see them, trust me that gets on people nerves when they know what they do doesn't bother you. Just start out slow and cut back little by little and in no time you'll get use to it. I hope the best of luck to you on your weight loss journey.
08-18-2008, 11:49 PM
I am actually in the exact same position you are in and it's one of the most fristrating things! You think you make a decision and things are going to change but then you break down. I've been doing that all this summer, and now I'm at a higher weight than ever! I'm not too sure how to go about fixing it either, since I seem to start things in an all or nothing manner...
08-19-2008, 12:35 AM
I was over 200 pounds and am now 83 pounds lighter......if I can do it, so can you. Pick a diet and exercise plan that you can follow. It won't happen overnight but it is so worth it, Good luck!
08-19-2008, 06:45 AM
Try making a reasonable plan... instead of all or nothing. :) Otherwise it's sort of like "bipolar dieting." ;)
08-20-2008, 12:10 PM
I know where you are coming from as I was 170 in the 8th grade and maxed out at 265 a few years ago. I know my childhood and teen years wern't what they could have been if I wasn't fat, but I survived. I joined 3FC becuase I needed a place to come for support. I believe we both did the right thing by coming here.
My one bit of advise, take it one day at a time. If the day starts going bad, take it one minute at a time then one hour at a time!
08-20-2008, 04:14 PM
OMG ---you totally sound like me. The whole bit about coming home from school and eating a big pile of food...I totally get that. In fact, I still do at age 35 and I would love to let that habit go. If it weren't for the hours after I come home...I would be skinny. I can't seem to stop myself...it is insane.
So--I just recently joined a gym so that I could do something fun after work that would burn calories. My hope is that I will get home and not want to eat after doing an hour of step.
If you find a way to curb your eating at night, I would sure like to know. Please share. :)