100 lb. Club - Fat-Haters--- Have you ever met someone who didn't like you JUST b/c you're fat?




BrandNewJen
08-06-2008, 11:12 AM
I'm just curious... my hubby thinks I'm just crazy and paranoid, but you know when you KNOW something...

I work with two people who are just COLD to me... and I just KNOW it's because I'm fat. They're fit and trim and attractive and we have had almost ZERO interaction (meaning that there is no baggage, etc for why they would treat me less friendly).

Have you ever met people who are Fat-Haters? Who simply just don't want to be friendly or smile at you in the hallway simply b/c they are offended by your "Fatness"?

I feel that way...

(and I'm not even disgustingly obese--- I dress professionally and I'm not sloppy/dirty/offensive in any way like, I'm sorry, some "stereotypical" fat people are)

I swear, this one girl is relatively new to the department, I've got a good reputation around here as being a good worker who produces a+ reports... no background of baggage (I've been here less than a year myself, so no time to build up a bad rep yet!) and she just never smiles at me in the hall or greets me... just walks by and doesn't even look. COLD.

I just want to go in her office one day and say, "Listen, are you rude to me just because I'm fat? Because that's really not fair. You are never friendly to me and I just can't figure it out."

ARGH.


modkittn
08-06-2008, 11:36 AM
About 7 years ago, before DH and I were married, we hung out with a group of people and some of them were not very nice toward me, but were toward my husband. I never got it, and DH thought I was making things up that weren't really there. One day (after DH and I stopped hanging out with them) I confronted one of them and guess what? I wasn't making things up. I never got a reason for why they didn't like me, but guess what happened after I lost 60 pounds? I ran into some of them who started chatting me up like we were best buds. I remember talking about hockey and how I used to play when I was younger and he said something like "Oh I never knew that" and I replied with "Maybe if you had gotten to know me instead of judging me just by looking at me you would have" and walked away :)

Trazey34
08-06-2008, 12:19 PM
Nah, I never go there. I figure there are LOTS of reasons to hate people (I've done it myself, just LOOKED at someone and don't like them ~ big small pretty ugly doesn't matter, just the weird feeling ~ I feel that way about Renee Zellwegger and I'm sure she's only said good things about ME heheheh) so don't sweat it ~ the work place is a funny place. Sometimes the most insecure people hide behind a cold exterior - maybe she's just quiet/shy doesn't know how to make friends, OR you remind her of someone who her husband cheated with LOL there's a million reasons!


Kayhm0711
08-06-2008, 12:22 PM
I totally agree that people judge fat people and don't talk to them because they are fat. I have always been a chubby girl never skinny skinny because honestly I have a crap metabolism and I do believe that it has something to do with hereditary. When I do get to goal even at 140 I am still going to look thick 1 because I have a large body frame and 2 I have a big chest no matter how much I weigh It just runs in my family stockiness.

Example on how people judge because people are fat:

This is for real:

My fiance is about 6'0 tall and he is about 170lbs and 22yrs old.
I am 5'0 shorty and at 241 at this time and 20 years old

Recently I was at an amusement park and we were standing next to some younger people who were like 18 or so, I actually heard one of the girls say "Why is he with her, she'd probably crush him." My fiance was like your just hearing things, but NO I heard it they were looking right our way and they weren't far and it seemed clear they didn't care if I heard what they said.

Here's what ticks me off though. They don't know me I am actually I really nice person I don't have many enemys if any at all, I get along with pretty much everyone in high school. Our Senior year of High School we went around our sociology class and said where we think each person would be in 10 years and everyone voted me as the soccer mom, because they said I am a sweet person who loves kids and they could just see me being the soccer mom. Also in High School I was only 140lbs it was after a bad break from my fiance now and a baby two years later that I am up to 241lbs. So that girl doesn't know me at all. That I use to be thin and you know what that my fiance he loves me no matter what. He says he doesn't care if I lose weight because he loves me for me not because of my weight. Some people need to realize you can judge a book by it's cover.:carrot:

shelby897
08-06-2008, 12:34 PM
I think karma caught up with me -- I was always overweight then thin for like five years. I was "set up" with another woman when I moved out of state by a co-worker so I could have someone to hang out with -- we did a couple of things together and I admit -- I was embarassed to be with her because of her size because people were always making comments about the two of us (calling me "olive oil" and her names :(), so I quit hanging out with her. I know now I missed out on a really awesome friendship because of my insecurity.

I would love it if everyone who has issues with overweight people had to spend a day in a "fat suit" -- I think it would change their perspective totally.

mandalinn82
08-06-2008, 12:55 PM
I'm with Trazey - I've just looked at people and gotten a bad vibe/sense about them, regardless of reputation or looks. There are so many reasons she might be cold...seems like giving your weight WAY too much power over you to assume that is the reason.

Leenie
08-06-2008, 01:03 PM
I agree with Jen, I've been on both sides of the fence (fat/thin) and the very same people who knew me both ways have treated me different when I was heavier.

I think because I am older, and I'm starting to see things differently I don't let people like that bother me anymore, its just not worth my energy ......... besides, its their loss :p

:D

rockinrobin
08-06-2008, 01:06 PM
I've definitely met people who have not liked me just because I was overweight. I know if for sure. Zero doubt in my mind.

Thing was, I didn't need them to like me, because they weren't worth my time, effort or energy. Their loss.

Lyn2007
08-06-2008, 01:24 PM
There was this guy once. I met him online. He was a local guy, and we were just chatting online for a couple weeks. There was some MAJOR chemistry there. We had so much in common, he was a writer and was sending me chapters of his book he was writing, asking me to critique them, and then we would have amazing discussions about his writing. Online was great, phone was great. We never traded pictures. He was talking about how he had been looking for years for someone like me that he could relate to. He talked about some big gala ball he was going to in a couple months and how he had been looking for someone to take with him. (We were not teenagers, by the way. We were in our 30's-40's).

So we set up our first date. We met. As soon as he saw me, his face just fell. He was casual with me on our date, just barely friendly. After that he cut me off. When I asked him why, he sent a short message about me not being "what he was looking for."

Yeah...

itsnotme
08-06-2008, 01:24 PM
It could be your weight - BUT - maybe she's just got her panties in a bind over something else.

I'm temping at a law firm and have been here three months now. I get along great with everyone here and have been told they are going to make me an offer to stay on permanently when my assignment is up in two weeks. But there are two attorneys here that absolulety WILL NOT look me in the eye or give me the time of day. One gal is about 35-40, may age, my size, no different from me whatsoever, other than she has a law degree and I don't. The other is an older guy (okay, older than dirt) - and I don't know what the heck I did to him- the other day I said, "Good morning, Ken." He stopped, turned, looked straight at me, turned his nose up in the air, and turned around and walked away. I was SHOCKED! I just about opened my mouth and said What the f.... did I do to you, old bat? And if they don't hire me permanently, I just might!

Arabella
08-06-2008, 01:29 PM
I will say, I've definitely gotten some bad vibes from people that were clearly because of my weight. For example, walking into a business function and seeing a woman look directly at my thighs and make a disgusted face.

On the other hand, we often don't feel very good about ourselves when we're overweight. We often put on this "fat suit" to insulate us from the world and if we're in hiding people recognize that. I think it's the same way for a thin person who's depressed (for example) and just wants to avoid notice. People "don't see" them.

I know there's a huge difference for me from one day to the next, depending on my mood. When I'm feeling good, people look at me and talk to me. If I'm feeling crummy about myself, I feel like nobody gives me a second glance.

When I've been closer to a good weight before, I've been much more outgoing and "alive." And people respond to that.

Not saying this is the whole story but I definitely think it's part of it.

Not only can you not judge by appearances, you can't even always judge what's behind other people's behavior.

2fat4me2be
08-06-2008, 01:30 PM
I have even had a husband treat me differently. When I got fat and we would have an argument, he would get fed up quick and go out. But after I lost the weight, you couldn't get rid of him for nothing. He was all of a sudden like oh honey, oh baby and buying me things. He was all caring bla bla bla. By then my feelings were irrepairably hurt and I lost all love for him over the nights I stayed home crying. I dumped him and he cried the blues for a change ( and alot longer than I did);)

ladybugnessa
08-06-2008, 01:32 PM
if that's you in your avatar i think it's not that your fat. I think it's that those people are just nasty in general to things outside of their comfort zone and a beautiful, talented competent woman threatens them.

you'll threaten them more and more as you get thin so don't be surprised if this behavior continues.

Redheaded I am
08-06-2008, 01:39 PM
Someone in my small unit at work openly dislikes overweight people. Several years ago I shared an office with her, and was losing a lot of weight on Atkins, so she was fairly nice to me. But oh lordy, she always complained about her overweight son, and talked about how she always sent him weight-loss articles and lectured her daughter-in-law about doing something about her son. I always wanted to tell her "You know, there's a REASON he lives several states away and doesn't keep in touch with you very often!" She now works with someone who is also plus-sized, and is always complaining about her.

Several months ago, she had a student (we're a GED lab) who was extremely large, and she said she couldn't have the student in her classes because (I SWEAR she said this!) "if he collapses from the strain, I won't be able to pick him up, and if he falls on me I'll be severely injured." Hello...can you say blatenly discriminatory?

Sandi
08-06-2008, 02:16 PM
I teach adults computers for a living. So on any given day I could encounter up to 12 people who have not met me before. Keep in mind that I am bigger than most of you. Most of the time people are very friendly and very receptive. Sometimes even more so after they realize I know my stuff.

On occasion, I do run into someone who is not very responsive and even on the cool side. I always think it's my weight. A good part of the time, by the end of the class, I realize that it's not me, it's them. They are intimidated or just shy and quiet (this is a totally foreign concept to me because I am so outgoing). BUT... sometimes, you can just tell they just don't like my weight, it just puts them off.

But it always surprises me how often it isn't my weight.

No matter what, every day I am me and if you don't like me, then that's too bad for you.

Beverlyjoy
08-06-2008, 02:24 PM
I can think of just one time when someone said something mean to me about being fat. (as an adult - childhood was different) It was 25 years ago and I was walking down the street and a man said to me "God, you need to go on a diet or something. You're fat." I was shocked and hurt and devistated. The funny thing, now that I think of it... I weighed that day what I weigh today. I feel so good about being 193 now and horrified then. But, I've always said - a particular weight feels alot better on the way down than on the way up.

But, that's the only time I've every had/felt weight discrimination. I can't honestly say that I think of a time or person I know who didn't like me or avoided me because of my weight. (at least not to me face)

Some people as a**holes, I guess.

thistoo
08-06-2008, 02:32 PM
I teach adults computers for a living. So on any given day I could encounter up to 12 people who have not met me before. Keep in mind that I am bigger than most of you. Most of the time people are very friendly and very receptive. Sometimes even more so after they realize I know my stuff.

On occasion, I do run into someone who is not very responsive and even on the cool side. I always think it's my weight. A good part of the time, by the end of the class, I realize that it's not me, it's them. They are intimidated or just shy and quiet (this is a totally foreign concept to me because I am so outgoing). BUT... sometimes, you can just tell they just don't like my weight, it just puts them off.

But it always surprises me how often it isn't my weight.

No matter what, every day I am me and if you don't like me, then that's too bad for you.

I teach computer classes too, and while I've gotten that reaction from people, it's never because of my weight, it's always because they think I look too young to be teaching them anything. And you know, I can't really blame them; I'm 36, but I look like I'm in my mid-20s. I guess if I were an older person and having to learn how to use a computer for the first time, I'd be a little put out about being taught by someone as young as I look too!

I don't bother correcting misconceptions, of course; I just teach and eventually they realize that I do know what I'm talking about.

As far as coldness in the work place, some people really are just like that. Of course there is lots of blatant fat discrimination out there, but there are people in my building (I work in a public library) who won't talk to or even smile at anyone outside their department. It's weird, sure, but it's their issue, not mine. I feel sorry for anyone who's that socially awkward, it has to be a painful way to live.

Sciana
08-06-2008, 03:17 PM
I agree with ladybugnessa. I've been losing weight and it's starting to show, I'm even getting some muscles showing on my arms. So when I offerred to lend a hand moving an office lady's desk, she looked all offended and said she "had muscles too" and was fully capable of helping to move her furniture.

I didn't offer to move it for her, and I didn't think I was implying she wouldn't be helping if I helped her... weird how she projected that...

You're definitely going to get strong reactions as you lose the weight as well. Some people are far more concerned with their own insecurities and fears to think about how they're presenting themselves...

A overweight friend of mine (250ish) always makes fun of overweight people (specifically when they were out walking on the side of the street or looked like they were trying to do something about their weight) and she judges their clothes... "she's wearing that?" I finally had to talk to her about it... strange isn't it?

Schmoodle
08-06-2008, 03:24 PM
I've not met people I felt "hated" me because of my weight, although I have had people be dismissive of me. But who knows, particularly at my highest weight, I was not confident and outgoing, so it may be more what I was projecting than what they were seeing. And I was busy trying to dress as drab and unremarkable as possible so as to "blend" into my surroundings and not be noticed, so who could blame them?

Trazey34
08-06-2008, 03:40 PM
I wonder if thin people wonder to themselves "gee, i bet it's my big nose that makes that person not like me ~ they looked right at it!!!"

see how dumb that sounds?? I'm sure there's people who look at others who aren't perfect, cuz you're fat, cuz you're taller than them, cuz you're shorter than them, cuz you're skinner than them ~ there's a gajillion reasons ~ but it's kind of ... i don't know... almost conceited? no that's the wrong word, too harsh... but I can't think of another... almost conceited to think that's the ONLY reason someone wouldn't like ME! There's NO OTHER explanation because i'm sooooooo fabulous in every other aspect...ok you get my meaning (see, my sarcasm is a perfectly good reason not to like me)

but after all is said and done, if someone gives you a look, look at 'em right back!

PS I was in line yesterday behind 3 very cute people, 2 boys and 1 girl, in their 20's and the guy looked back at me and said to the girl "oh my god you do NOT want to turn around" and the girl said "too late, i already saw IT" and I was thinking what the ****?? can't be about me...so i turn around and sure enough there's a pretty young thing behind me... apparently she was cheating on the boy and the current girlfriend knew about it..sparks flew! heheheh but it wasn't about ME!

mrs dorson
08-06-2008, 03:40 PM
maybe she is just a mean nasty witch?
:devil:

or shy or scared or sick?
:(


i am going with witch tho.


i have not had peep be mean or treat me badly due to weight since i got "unshy" about 4 years ago. i have had them be offish with me at first. turns out that i am "intimidating".:tantrum::tantrum::tantrum:
hahahahahaha.


that cracks me up to no end. :lol::lol::lol:

i am still a wuss inside.:flow2::flow2::flow2:

kaplods
08-06-2008, 04:02 PM
Fat discrimination exists (and so do alot of physical trait discriminations). There's a lot of research that shows that people assume "goodness" when they see physical beauty and ugliness is associated with evil. It's why lawyers have argued against prison time for clients because they're "too pretty for prison" (like the teacher who had sex with teenage students).

What can you do about it? Well, since many of these prejudices are unconscious, one thing to do is address it directly. Now, I don't think you have to ask "is my fat bothering you," but telling a person that you sense they are "uncomfortable" around you, and if there's anything you can do to "help," that sometimes can burst their hate bubble, whatever the cause (and if not, you can't make people like you, whatever the reason).

I know I often would get a sense in a job interview that my appearance was a factor, and I'd be direct and ask "do you have any concerns about my weight interfering with my ability to do the job?" And you know, I got those jobs. Is it a coincidence? I'm not sure, but I know that I did address their concerns and put the issue on the table. When I felt that suspicion, but kept my mouth shut, I often wondered whether being up front would have changed that outcome. I had one great interview with a big company (State Farm, which I would later get a job several years later) and the first interview with a man, went amazingly well. The second interview with a woman (higher up in the chain of command) I KNEW I didn't have the job from the look of instant contempt she shot me when I walked in the door and shook her hand. Was it my weight, or the fact that my interview suit was a lighter shade of blue than was considered conservatively professional or did I remind her of someone she hated? I'm not sure, but I wish I'd confronted it directly.

I suspect my weight is the issue at times. I've had a few women openly flirt with my husband in my presence (he's a funny, friendly, tall, handsome - but fat guy - there definitely is a double standard when it comes to men and women and weight). I suppose the women assumed that they could easily sweep my husband off his feet, and that I was not a real threat.

One really funny experience was in a Walmart. I'd walked a bit away from my husband and a woman who had seen us together wanted to give my husband her phone number. He played stupid (as if he didn't know her motives) and suggested she give it to me, as he tended to lose such things. She walked away in a huff (either she got his point, or thought we were a weird "kinky" couple).

Jen415
08-06-2008, 04:11 PM
Colleen I always love that story!! :)

Lady Pantsalot
08-06-2008, 04:27 PM
I've been a bit paranoid about people treating me badly because I'm fat, but in reality, I don't think anyone has really done it. At least not in the way that I had noticed. Generally people seem to think that I'm a friendly, jolly sort of a gal and thus also harmless. On the other hand I've been fat for so long that I've got confident in public and definitely don't hide in corners. I am what I am. Never had anything bad from my students either.

JayEll
08-06-2008, 04:47 PM
I just want to go in her office one day and say, "Listen, are you rude to me just because I'm fat? Because that's really not fair. You are never friendly to me and I just can't figure it out."


Jen... Now listen a minute... If you want to get a reputation as being a nutcase, just walk into her office and do that little scene... Know what I mean? ;) It'll be all over the company... :yikes:

There are all kinds of reasons why people don't like other people. Since you don't have to have contact with these, from what you've said, why worry about it? Why jump to conclusions? It may have nothing to do with your size!

Gosh, it might not even have anything to do with you personally!

If they don't want to be sociable or polite to you, it's easy enough to return the favor and ignore them.

Jay

fiberlover
08-06-2008, 04:55 PM
I swear, this one girl is relatively new to the department, I've got a good reputation around here as being a good worker who produces a+ reports... no background of baggage (I've been here less than a year myself, so no time to build up a bad rep yet!) and she just never smiles at me in the hall or greets me... just walks by and doesn't even look. COLD.



There is a possibility that she is just painfully shy - which can be even harder when you're new. I know that when I first meet people, they sometimes think I am stand-offish because I am very shy, especially if I get a vibe from someone that makes me uncomfortable.
But, once they get to know me, they know how funny, smart and fun I am to be around ;)

Since she is new, you could pop into her office and say "I haven't really had a chance to get to know you yet, would you like to go get some coffee and chat?"

You might end up making friends and helping her feel more welcome around the office.

If she really doesn't like you for your weight, then you don't need to bother with her anymore.

ghost
08-06-2008, 05:12 PM
I've lived as a normal weight and a heavy weight so I feel like I have a good grasp on just how fickle humans can be.

When I was significantly overweight, 260+lbs on a 5 foot frame, I couldn't get a job to save my life. I am well educated and have really great references, but nobody would hire me. I didn't get a good job till I got down to under 200 lbs. I work in the medical field.
One of the jobs I interviewed for was working as an office manager for a group of men (physicians). they interviewed me as a group. I was definalty qualified. They hired a much younger, much thinner woman who they got rid of after a few weeks because she had no clue what she was doing and they then had the audacity to call me and ask me if I wanted to position. I told them no, they were not what I was looking for in an employer and that it was obvious they made their decisions based on physical appearance instead of relying on experience. I have not regretted that decision yet.
I've found that people do discriminate agains those they feel don't meet their esthetic ideals. I've been very overweight, and I've been normal and I've found that people tend to treat me much better when I'm thinner. Women in particular are nicer to me when I'm heavier because they don't see me as a threat. Older men are nice to me when I'm heavy, but practically fall over themselves to be nice to me when I'm thinner. Young men don't even give me the time of day when I'm heavier. When I'm mid range, they are at least not afraid of catching my fatness by talking to me, when I'm thin they are my best friends. even the heavy guys act in this predictable manner.

yoyonomoreinvegas
08-06-2008, 05:20 PM
.......... And I was busy trying to dress as drab and unremarkable as possible so as to "blend" into my surroundings and not be noticed, so who could blame them?

While there will always be people who have prejudices based on nothing more than ignorance, I agree that a lot of how we are perceived is based on how we project. I know I'm here at 3FC because I was becoming increasingly horrified by my appearance - if I'm horrified by it, why wouldn't others be?

There was a smilar thread going a while back regarding treatment by service workers being less than "customer service oriented" for bigger people and I shared a story about my SIL who is actually a larger size than I am but dresses professionaly and neatly, always has nicely styled hair and makeup, and has an overall confidence that people can't help but notice. She is successful in real estate (yes, even with the current market situation) because she likes people so they like her. She does want to lose weight but she simply doesn't let that part of her appearance drive her behavior or define her in any way.

Naytally
08-06-2008, 05:38 PM
My parents told me I said something very profound when I was a child.

"If they don't like me for who I am, I don't want to be friends with them anyway"

This was back in the day when kids called me "Fatalie Natalie" and played the "natalie game" under the table by kicking eachother because I would kick kids under the table for trying to bother me.

Sometimes I wish life were more like elementary school. That way you would know who hated you and why :)

coachie
08-06-2008, 06:00 PM
Regardless of your weight/size, you will always be fat to someone. Conversely, there is always someone worse off that you that would long to be your size.

I think it is safe to say the majority of 'normal' sized people do have some contempt for fat people. And even among fat people, there is a ton of judgment among the degree of obesity. That is human nature, ugly, but real.

ghost
08-06-2008, 06:03 PM
Kids are so cruel! I wish I would have remembered that before I had mine and subjected him to other kids!

famograham
08-06-2008, 07:05 PM
Ugh...what a topic!

Jen..I really think it may be some other reason! Very often, someone who is shy, or very self conscious will come across as cold or *****y, when in all reality, they could be wonderful people. Of course...there's just plain old jerks too ;)

Reading through this thread, I was reminded of just one episode in my life.
Maybe 8-9 years ago, I was working as an Esthetician (this is probably the single reason I don't work in that field anymore!), I was giving a woman a pedicure, and we were chatting away. We talked about a bunch of topics, and then we got on the subject of having kids. We didn't have Talia yet, and I told her that I wanted to have another baby soon.

This lady's eyes opened wide and she said "well, then, you'll HAVE to get that weight off first...what about your HEART???"
I was stunned! I looked down, stopped talking..and finished her pedicure trying to hold back tears!

Today...life is a COMPLETELY different story. I have learned MUCH about myself, and the person I am. I am very lovable. I am kind. I go out of my way to smile at strangers, and be helpful any time that I can. Heck, I even smile at other drivers on the road! I am a nurturer, and I'm proud of it.
Today, nobody can treat me badly because I won't ALLOW them to, I don't have time in my life for negativity. People see what I project to them...and what they see is a kind, caring person with a great smile (I hope) :)

Don't let your interpretation of others (or theirs of you) get you down. You have no idea what is going on in this woman's life.

:hug:
Linda

bored15541
08-06-2008, 09:29 PM
Hey im 18 and i know a first hand base teenager are very cruel they don't care like my sister and her finance they will make fun of over weight people right in front of me and it pisses me off I tell them all the time their as big if not smaller then me you don't know them why judge on their looks. but i always say Karma's a ***** and its catching up to them both. hehehe cruel yes but they deserve it. High school was not fun i had a lot of friend but theirs also a lot of rude people who knew me grew up with me but just because i was over weight they didn't like me.

my worse experience was in grade 9 when i got back to school from being sick. that year i was gone a lot because of family stuff going on. Well a class mate was telling a story of what happened the day before. (he never saw me because i sat in the back) I guess my math teacher said i was away a lot, and of course a lot of the guys thought he said i weighed a lot. OMG. and how the teacher laughed to . I was so embarrassed and i sat their holding my tears back. and like everything when it came to me i laughed it off trying to be strong. Everyone in the class room was silent he was the only one laughing. when my friend pointed me out in the back he was horrified. and just put his head down. he tried to apologize i accepted honest mistake but i heard what happens when im gone and i felt terrible. When i got home i went right to my room and cried i stayed in my room the rest of the night.

Ufi
08-07-2008, 02:01 AM
I've had guys shout rude things at me when I'm out walking, like, "You're fat" and "You're gross."

lizziep
08-07-2008, 03:04 AM
I had a make co-worker tell me to my face that he hated all fat people.

which is too bad because he got quite fat. and that secretly makes me very very happy. is that wrong?! :D


The other day- I was sitting at the bus stop and some skinny teenager girl was standing there with two guys and just started going off about how she thinks it'd be great to be fat for just one day so she can spend $100 dollars on lunch and eat whatever she wants, etc she went on for like 5 minutes, looking at me the whole time.

Sometimes people are just A-holes.

I also have to think though that I am so focused on my fatness that sometimes I'll read into what other people might be thinking about me or get my feelings hurt when it was likely not their intention.

CurvaceousCutie
08-07-2008, 03:14 AM
no i dont think it was wrong at all. :) as far as the teenage girl u should said i dunno when ur getting the idea i spend 100.00 for lunch, i usually spend between 200.00-250.00 for lunch and that if im going to local mcd's but if im going some where high class i usually spend more than 500.00 and i do agree with u its great to be fat cuz i bet i get more attention than u do. :)

CurvaceousCutie
08-07-2008, 03:20 AM
the only things that i cant think of is the fact one of my guy friends always ask me to try to touch my toes because he doesnt think i can stretch to far cuz of my weight. this 1 time my dad and i went out to eat and it was crowded and there was a booth and there was a cpl that can in fron of us but he was waiting 4 his wife and he had saw the booth and wanted it and my dad and got it but they were waiting to see if i could actually fit into the booth and of course i did but all night when we were there there were mad and gave me dirty looks

Sassy_Chick
08-07-2008, 03:34 AM
Basically people in general are just cruel. Not all, but a lot are. I also beleive its all in how you "present" yourself cuz my DH is heavy, but tall, but still heavy, but he has a very very outgoing personality, as does his mother and they both make friends VERY easily. With me, its not that simple. I'm not that outgoing, at least at first and I'm extremely moody at times. lol. Plus I don't trust people right off the bat. So its very tough for people to really get to know "the real me" unless they spend time with me.

I work nights, so I usually only work closely with a couple people. I am friendly with a lot of people though, but some just do not like me and it could be because of my weight, but it also could be since I don't go out of my way to talk to them, they think I'm "stuck-up" or something. That isn't true. They just don't take any time to talk to me, so why should I talk to them?

I did have one co worker say something mean about me and my weight, I heard her, she must think since I'm fat I'm also deaf. lol. It hurt me a lot, but now I am fine. I figure its her loss, not mine. :no: She is very critical of everyone, even her own family. I think she must be very insecure to do that. So I don't hate her, I feel sorry for her that she has to be that way to make herself feel good.

As for guys, I've had guys in my past who just do not like "Fat Chicks" and I'm cool with that, cuz I really don't like skinny dudes. But there were lots of guys that did like me, not like 1000's or anything but enough. lol. So I don't buy the whole "you gotta be thin to get a guy" that some women think. :no: There was one guy I met who was thin, and ok looking, but just wasn't my type at all, he would not take no for an answer!!! I am like HELLO I don't like you that way. lol. But anywho, I say, if they don't like you for you, then they aren't worth it. :no:

:hug:

KLK
08-07-2008, 11:22 AM
I work with a guy who is foreign (from Swizterland) and I really, really think he looks his nose down at me, for a number of reasons, but for my weight more than anything else.

I work in the arts and our gallery carries the work of a number of VERY famous artists (Picasso, Matisse, Giacometti, and older 19th century artists). Anyway, we have a few drawings by Matisse of naked women from the 1890's. These women are all extremely curvy and beautiful, but this guy goes on and on about what a shame it is that Matisse wouldn't be able to get and draw/paint "beautiful women" bc "look at how fat and atrocious they are!"

If a few other co-workers and I are having lunch, he'll walk in and make a face and give us a *****y "bon appetite." I seriously think he's got some kind of eating disorder-- he doesn't eat ANYTHING all day literally; he just sips unsweetened chamomile tea. He's ridiculously tiny for a man and all the women he thinks are *beautiful* are full of protruding bones, no hips, no breasts, et al. (not that there's anything wrong with liking that type of woman, but he talks like that's the ONLY type of woman worth liking).

I'm not the heaviest person in my office, but I'm also the most "middle class" of everyone and that compounds, I think, to really make him look down on me. I'm beyond caring about it though -- he's friendly enough, I'm friendly enough back and I like being middle class. I'd rather be from a normal middle class family than some faux aristocrat intellectual...

ladybugnessa
08-07-2008, 11:26 AM
i just realized that what frees me to be happy is that somewhere around the age of 40 I STOPPED CARING what other people thought....

KLK
08-07-2008, 11:28 AM
Another co-worker of mine (a guy of about my same age) once said this about the stuck-up co-worker: "He's too intimidated by women to be with one that actually LOOKS like a woman -- one who has breasts and hips and eats 3 meals a day. It's safer for guys like that to want women that look like little girls and eat like birds."

As for guys, I've had guys in my past who just do not like "Fat Chicks"

TJFitnessDiva
08-07-2008, 02:31 PM
I had a guy once tell me to go home (we were at a club) because I'm too fat to be here and that being fat was disgusting.....so I turned around and told him "at least I can do something about being fat....you on the other hand can't do anything about being ugly AND stupid!" hahaha Yeah I know I'm mean ;)

Star2Be
08-07-2008, 06:16 PM
no i dont think it was wrong at all. :) as far as the teenage girl u should said i dunno when ur getting the idea i spend 100.00 for lunch, i usually spend between 200.00-250.00 for lunch and that if im going to local mcd's but if im going some where high class i usually spend more than 500.00 and i do agree with u its great to be fat cuz i bet i get more attention than u do. :)
LOL that is so great! I wish I were able to come up with snappy comebacks like that!! :lol:

I had a guy once tell me to go home (we were at a club) because I'm too fat to be here and that being fat was disgusting.....so I turned around and told him "at least I can do something about being fat....you on the other hand can't do anything about being ugly AND stupid!" hahaha Yeah I know I'm mean ;)
Hey, a rude comment deserves a reply with a BITE! Good for you for standing up for yourself! :carrot:

I get sick of people saying that one shouldn't sink to the level of a rude person. I think it's always good to let them know that their behavior is unacceptable. If you don't say anything back, they'll continue to assume that they can treat fat people poorly without any repercussions--not an attitude I want to promote! Luckily for me, I haven't had someone overtly make nasty comments or otherwise hassle me about my weight since I was in elementary school/junior high--junior high kids are the WORST! They really go for the jugular! :halfempty I don't even know what I'd say if they did... However, as many have said, I certainly agree that some people just have a bad conception of fat people--they see a fat person and immediately picture an overeating, lazy, couch potato with bad hygiene, who they don't want to sit next to on airplanes, etc... Yeah, it's pretty rude, but there's not much we can do about it. Especially with women--they can be so catty! These are probably the same types who had mothers who always pressured them to be stick-thin, so maybe they're just jealous (like the girl that lizziep mentioned) that they "can't" eat what they want, but they have the idea that we can/do.

Who knows why people are rude to each other? :?: I think rudeness (or worse, outright hate) is bad in any form...

Ookpik
08-08-2008, 02:00 AM
I've had many experiences over the years which felt like I was being disliked/discriminated against, because of my weight. I work at an airport (not with the airlines) and have tried at least 7 times to get a job with the various airlines at my airport as a ticket agent. I never even managed to score an interview...in spite of having a diploma in Travel & Tourism, plus courses in business and accounting, and typing. The ones they did hire, for the most part, haven't had any postsecondary education, much less training in the field like I did. At the time, I was at my heaviest, around 290 pounds on a 5' body. I haven't tried lately, because you can only take so much rejection. :(

I find that since I've lost weight (I'm not at my goal yet), alot of people are treating me better, alot of men I come across in my work make more small talk with me than before. I do think my attitude has changed for the better, and perhaps that is part of the reason I am treated better. I've encountered more rude comments, since I started losing weight, from overweight people, than from people who are at a healthier weight. Perhaps they are just jealous.

I used to go to the clubs years ago with my friends and come home and cry, because I never used to get any male attention like they did. No one would ask me to dance, or, if I asked them, they wouldn't dance with me. Now when I go out, I just try to have fun and not worry about attracting the attention of men. I seem to be getting more attention, though, when I'm out and just going about the day. Unfortunately, most of that attention seems to come from men who are married or in a relationship. :ink:

valpal23
08-08-2008, 02:14 AM
off thread topic but ookpik your name makes me happy whenever i see it. I love it.. I feel all Canadian whenever I see it.

Are you sure you arent overqualified for the job you're talking about? I dont know about Labrador but I work in tourism (it's largely government/non profit community development work actually) but you might be better suited for a development corporation that deals in local tourism? (it's what I do so it came to mind pretty quickly) :hug: dont give up

Personally I cant say that people avoided me because of the fat. I have always been overweight but passed into morbid obesity just a few years ago... I was pretty out of touch with everything around me.

On the other side though... I have noticed others talking to me, being more friendly and generally acknowledging my existance now that I'm closer to a healthy weight. My own perception and attitude of course influence this too.
People are biased in so many ways. I get some that ignore me because I'm female (I live in an extremely remote mining town).. others because I'm 'young' and others that write me off as weak because I have M.S. It's a human thing...

lizziep
08-08-2008, 02:25 AM
i wish i could come up with some snappy comebacks too. but mostly- i feel like i'd just get made fun of more if i tried. what's the point?

once i called my boss to tell her i was going to be late because there was a car accident & the bus couldn't come up my street- so I had to walk like a couple of miles to the nearest next bus stop. after i got to work all covered in sweat and late - she told me someone had offered to come pick me up but she told them no because I NEEDED THE EXERCISE!!!!! oooh so mad.

Star2Be
08-08-2008, 04:28 PM
^ Ugh. I don't know why, but it really gets to me when people do little things like that, just little "tips" or trying to take your life and your decision into their own hands. I find it insulting because it's like implying that you don't have the strength/willpower to lose weight without their "help." Just a pet peeve of mine. :rolleyes:

opimisticchick72
08-08-2008, 04:47 PM
I have had a few co-workers who were helpful in similar ways. Normally when someone is brave/stupid enough to say to me that I am fat, my response is typically eye contact, a visible deep breath, a smile, and the comment "oooh I know it, however, I can lose weight, bad karma is harder to shed." I haven't met one who had a comeback that didn't include silence and slackjawed.
amy

Ufi
08-08-2008, 10:24 PM
It's even sadder that I've come home and eaten my feelings/sought comfort in food after someone has been mean to me. Which makes me even fatter and more a target.

I've thought, "I'll show them and lose weight," but that has never been a good motivator for me.

kaplods
08-08-2008, 10:47 PM
I'm usually pretty quick with the comebacks, but it wasn't always so. I actually practiced them in my head after reading an article in BBW or Radiance magazine (now defunct, at least in real life one or both may still have webzines).

Most people who throw insults, aren't really bright, so they often consist of something moronic like "Hey, you're really fat!"

My favorite responses are things like:

"Wow, did you figure that out all by yourself, or did you have help?"
"Realy!? I wonder how that happened. Thanks."
"What a genius you are to have noticed."
"How original, like I haven't heard that before."
"Not really, It's just an allergic reaction to idiots. I swell up whenever one is present."

Or to really confuse them, especially if you can say it sincerely as if they haid truly paid you a flattering compliment. "Why, thankyou."

Actually, I don't have nearly as many people making comments as those who stare, point or laugh. Generally, I say VERY loudly looking in their direction to whoever I'm with "I guess they've never seen a fat person before." Whether I've said it laughing or dripping in sarcasm, the offenders generally turn bright red and their mouths drops open.

KLK
08-08-2008, 11:16 PM
Lizzie, you should know by now that all thin people know what's best for all heavy people; if she thought you needed the exercise, she was right -- and yes, that IS her business and she has every right to tell you that and you should feel grateful to her for her wisdom and knowing what's best for you. After all, you're overweight and overweight people are lazy and dumb and need thin people to advise them about their weight. ... :rolleyes:

...Your boss is a jerk.

I REALLY cannot fathom what goes through people's minds when they think it's appropriate to tell someone what they need to do about their weight... does she think that bc she's your boss at work she should dictate what you need in life and then tell you what you need and how she made SURE you get it by not letting a co-worker help you? What if you came into work everyday with really, really glompy badly applied make-up? Would she feel it were her responsibility to sit you down and show you how to put on mascara? What if you had a bad haircut? Would she send you to a salon and tell you how better to style it? What if you were stuck in a bad marriage? Would she offer you couples counseling? No, of course not, but bc your "problem" is your weight, she feels totally free to chime in and tell you what's best for you. :rolleyes:

If you ever get her in the office Secret Santa, I hope you will considering buying her a chia pet...

i wish i could come up with some snappy comebacks too. but mostly- i feel like i'd just get made fun of more if i tried. what's the point?

once i called my boss to tell her i was going to be late because there was a car accident & the bus couldn't come up my street- so I had to walk like a couple of miles to the nearest next bus stop. after i got to work all covered in sweat and late - she told me someone had offered to come pick me up but she told them no because I NEEDED THE EXERCISE!!!!! oooh so mad.

gtech2mit10
08-08-2008, 11:28 PM
In certain situations, I've encountered people, primarily women around my age, who I strongly believe dismissed or patronized me because of my appearance. However, as others have discussed here, I think a lot of this would've been mitigated if I'd made more of an effort to make myself look good. I fell victim to the "I'm so overweight, why bother with hair/makeup/nice clothing" mentality. I think it was the sloppiness of the whole package (of which weight was a component, but a minor one) that they were reacting to.

Guys, on the other hand...in bars, clubs, and other alcohol-soaked settings (where I usually made more an effort with my appearance), guys have on occasion made comments -- unprovoked! --that were nothing short of hateful, and clearly had to do with my weight. None of my thin friends were ever subjected to this kind of cruelty, from what I saw. I consider myself a strong and resilient woman, but some of these remarks were incredibly destructive to my self-esteem.

KLK
08-08-2008, 11:35 PM
I think this is bc, at least from my experience, women are less confrontational than men -- God only knows what women are thinking, even if they act pleasant. Generally, I think men are more likely to just say whats on their minds, to you or within earshot, whereas women keep such things to themselves or say it behind your back. (I hope I'm not generalizing too too much, but I think this is generally true).

What's funny is that is tend to care A LOT more about what other women think of me -- I feel competative with other women, so I feel the need to impress women much more than I do men. Also, generally, I couldn't care less what most men have to say about anything, let alone how I look and whether they like me. I mean, I care what my fiance and male friends think of me, but not some liquor-soaked losers in some bar.

But I'm very VERY sorry people have said hateful and hurtful things to you at these places -- basically, you are too good for such people. Period.

In certain situations, I've encountered people, primarily women around my age, who I strongly believe dismissed or patronized me because of my appearance. However, as others have discussed here, I think a lot of this would've been mitigated if I'd made more of an effort to make myself look good. I fell victim to the "I'm so overweight, why bother with hair/makeup/nice clothing" mentality. I think it was the sloppiness of the whole package (of which weight was a component, but a minor one) that they were reacting to.

Guys, on the other hand...in bars, clubs, and other alcohol-soaked settings (where I usually made more an effort with my appearance), guys have on occasion made comments -- unprovoked! --that were nothing short of hateful, and clearly had to do with my weight. None of my thin friends were ever subjected to this kind of cruelty, from what I saw. I consider myself a strong and resilient woman, but some of these remarks were incredibly destructive to my self-esteem.

gtech2mit10
08-09-2008, 12:02 AM
kaplods,


Or to really confuse them, especially if you can say it sincerely as if they haid truly paid you a flattering compliment. "Why, thankyou."

is hilarious!


That's a REALLY good point about men vs. women, KLK. I hadn't thought of that.
And thanks for your kind words at the end of the post:) I know you're right. It's just that when you're already really paranoid/insecure about your weight and feeling just physically awkward, even a dumb comment from a loser you'd otherwise not give the time of day can send you over the edge. Fortunately I'm at the age now where I've begun transitioning out of these misogynistic frat guy-fests and into more mature settings, and I care a lot less what people think of me.

KLK
08-09-2008, 12:10 AM
OMg, I definitely understand how a stupid comment from a stupid person (that you KNOW is stupid!) can still set you off (when I weighted 264lbs, I had a homeless man -- a drunken homeless man covered in filth who smelled like booze and hopelessness -- call me fat; I cried like my best friend had just died).

But re: frat parties: YES! They are extremely misogynistic! I was trying to express something like that when i replied earlier, but I couldn't put my finger on how the atmosphere at such places is... but yes, it is an extremely hateful atmosphere in general, especially towards women (even the "hot" girls are treated badly). I've heard the most disgusting, sexist, hateful things said by frat guys about friends of mine they all found hot; it's so gross.


That's a REALLY good point about men vs. women, KLK. I hadn't thought of that.
And thanks for your kind words at the end of the post:) I know you're right. It's just that when you're already really paranoid/insecure about your weight and feeling just physically awkward, even a dumb comment from a loser you'd otherwise not give the time of day can send you over the edge. Fortunately I'm at the age now where I've begun transitioning out of these misogynistic frat guy-fests and into more mature settings, and I care a lot less what people think of me.

kaplods
08-09-2008, 12:23 AM
It is funny how comments can affect us, even when they come from a person for whom we have little respect.

I was in a bookstore once, with very small aisles, and a guy passed by me, brushing against me. It was really unavoidable, because the aisles were very tight, but on the third pass, I realized he was doing it intentionally, and creeped out, I high-tailed it out of there, and rushed to my car. I don't remember what I weighed at the time, but at least 250 lbs, probably more.

Well, the guy followed me. I had left the car window down, because it was summer, and as I was starting the car, the guy (obviously a bit tipsy, probably from the bar next door to the bookstore) tells me that I have beautiful breasts (obviously, the smoothest compliment he could come up with, in his situation).

I still have no idea why I felt the need to respond, but as I was pulling out to get away from the creepy guy, I answered, "Thank you, my boyfriend likes them too." Oddly, I wasn't even dating anyone at the time, but I didn't want the drunk guy to know that. Now why it mattered to me what a drunk pervert thought of me, I still don't have a clue, nor do I understand my feelings at the time any better - a very strange mixture of revulsion, disgust, embarassment, pity and flattery.

Ookpik
08-09-2008, 02:33 AM
Valpal - thanks! I wanted a username that was not only Canadian, but common to Labrador as well. Just me showing a little bit of Labradorian/Canadian pride!

I've had others tell me I'm probably overqualified for a ticket agent job. The job I have now pays more, but I was hoping for a little something on the side that would allow me opportunity for cheap travel.

After reading a little more on this topic, I have to say, I wonder where people get off thinking they can tell you how you should live your life? Before I made my lifestyle change last January, other people at work would offer me "advice" on diet and exercise. I'd get it about once or twice a year from people who were gung-ho on a diet. It used to get on my nerves because inevitably, "Nancy Know-it-all" would relapse and be off her diet in two weeks! After telling me what I should do! I know a lot of people give up on dieting after awhile (I have too -- many times, so I'm not trying to rag on anyone here who is having trouble keeping on track). Six months later, the same thing would happen again. It just got on my nerves being told what I should and shouldn't do by someone who couldn't even practice what she preached.

I used to get the same thing when I smoked. People telling me I should quit. Anyone who has quit or has ever tried to quit knows it unhealthy - quitting is not as easy as it may seem. Now that I've quit for three years and have lost nearly 100 pounds, people ask me sometimes how I did it. I don't mind telling them - but I don't give "advice" unless it's asked for. I hated being lectured in the past, so I don't do it to anyone else.

Getting off my soapbox.

KLK
08-09-2008, 12:21 PM
I feel the same way about weightloss -- even though I haven't yet made it to goal weight, I did lose 80 lbs and I did keep it off for these last 5 years, so really in many ways, I "won" the weightloss battle (or at least I got a lot of my demands met at the signing of the Fat War Peace Treaty following the battle ;)), but I never lecture anyone about their weight, ever.

If I'm asked how I did it, or if a person says, "I wish *I* could lose XXX pounds" I might offer some advice, but ONLY when I really feel they want to talk about their weight and about weightloss. But i have to say, that at my heaviest, if a formerly heavy person offered me unsolicited advice about how to lose weight, I would still have resented it much much less than some skinny, never-been-fat person's words of wisdom bc at least such advice from someone who's lived as a heavy person comes from a place of genuine concern; a lot of times I feel like when skinny people try to "advise" heavy people, it's usually out of a feeling of superiority (or trying to feel superior). This isn't always the case, but I genuinely feel it is when it comes from relative strangers.


Now that I've quit for three years and have lost nearly 100 pounds, people ask me sometimes how I did it. I don't mind telling them - but I don't give "advice" unless it's asked for. I hated being lectured in the past, so I don't do it to anyone else.

Getting off my soapbox.

Star2Be
08-09-2008, 01:12 PM
But i have to say, that at my heaviest, if a formerly heavy person offered me unsolicited advice about how to lose weight, I would still have resented it much much less than some skinny, never-been-fat person's words of wisdom bc at least such advice from someone who's lived as a heavy person comes from a place of genuine concern; a lot of times I feel like when skinny people try to "advise" heavy people, it's usually out of a feeling of superiority (or trying to feel superior). This isn't always the case, but I genuinely feel it is when it comes from relative strangers.

I agree 100%! I feel like I can relate much better to someone like Richard Simmons than to Denise Austin, LOL. Sometimes I wonder why "never-been-fat" people even think they're qualified to give advice on the subject in the first place. Unless you're a doctor, dietician, personal trainer, etc why should I think you know what you're talking about? Oooooh and what I really hate is when people do the whole "You want to lose weight? Ok, just put down the fork and go for a jog!" As if the problems of an overweight person are so trivial and can be solved so simply. Grr.

JulieJ08
08-09-2008, 02:30 PM
Another co-worker of mine (a guy of about my same age) once said this about the stuck-up co-worker: "He's too intimidated by women to be with one that actually LOOKS like a woman -- one who has breasts and hips and eats 3 meals a day. It's safer for guys like that to want women that look like little girls and eat like birds."

I think what is safer about that woman (and obviously this does not apply all thin women) is not so much her appearance, as what her appearance says about her - she's willing to starve herself and spend lots of time and money and mental energy, on conforming and pleasing. It's the conforming and pleasing that is safe.

jennisue
08-11-2008, 12:24 AM
HI,

I worked with people who really didn't like me because of my weight--I know because we had to do a project together and after working with me and seeing my ability we became friends. I can remember asking one night when we were out for happyhour why they were so rude and they both admitted that my weight caused them to be uncomfortable and they assumed that because I was overweight I was lazy.

We are still friends now but I always will remember that -- Be aware there are people who will judge you because of your weight-- but people judge people based on a number of things and that will not stop in our society.

A study was just done that hiring authorities often don't hire a qualified person due to the personal appearance (being overweigh is number one) because you will represent that organization in what you say, do, and how you look.

Jen

jennisue
08-11-2008, 12:36 AM
I know that it is difficult to spend time with someone who makes it clear that they love you but are not able to look past the weight. I hope that you are able to understand that it is a side effect of the medication -- you can speak to your doctor and they can often change the medications so that the weight gain is not a side effect.

lovespink
08-11-2008, 12:48 AM
i've been off the med for 2 years. Stopped gaining as soon as I quit but haven't been able to lose. After eating less than a toddler for several months my dr agreed to do some tests to see whats wrong with me! So far I am insulin resistant and possible have PCOS but I won't know for a few more weeks. I wish the weight would just go away. My boyfriend even had fake profiles saying he was single on the internet and was talking to girls. It hurts a lot.. I don't know why I put up with it. It's so sad to think everything would be ok if the weight gain never happened. I always wonder why this had to happen. It literally has ruined my life ):

jennisue
08-11-2008, 12:55 AM
I am really sorry to hear that it shows how little he understands about love-- when someone gains weight, has an operation or other things in life happen it makes you question if he will be there when you need him most.

I am glad to hear that you followed up with your doctor and they are investigating why your weight has not come off. I know how hard it is to try to get back to where you feel good.

But I wonder if when you get to your goal you will still want to be with a man who has demonstrated how hurtful he can be.

KLK
08-11-2008, 01:07 AM
THAT is a really $h*tty thing to do...

I'm so sorry he's done things like this, but you know, it's not your fault, or your body's fault he did that -- it's HIS fault. I realize people are attracted to what they;re attracted too and your boyfriend is within rights to not be attracted to an overweight person, even if he does still love you, but that is a REALLY $h*tty thing to do...

I wonder, though, if he'd feel so free to do things like that if your issue weren't weight related -- a lot of times, I feel like people feel free to be disrespectful to overweight people purely bc they're overweight...

My boyfriend even had fake profiles saying he was single on the internet and was talking to girls.

shelby897
08-11-2008, 01:16 AM
i've been off the med for 2 years. Stopped gaining as soon as I quit but haven't been able to lose. After eating less than a toddler for several months my dr agreed to do some tests to see whats wrong with me! So far I am insulin resistant and possible have PCOS but I won't know for a few more weeks. I wish the weight would just go away. My boyfriend even had fake profiles saying he was single on the internet and was talking to girls. It hurts a lot.. I don't know why I put up with it. It's so sad to think everything would be ok if the weight gain never happened. I always wonder why this had to happen. It literally has ruined my life ):

Do not take the blame for his actions -- my husband loves me now, as much as he did BEFORE I gained 100 lbs (I know he definitely found me more attractive at 145 than 274 :( but I understand that) -- so to say your weight is the reason he is looking elsewhere is just a way for the responsibility to be taken away from him. When I lose 100 lbs, I will not be a better person, my husband will not be a better husband, etc. I will, however, be healthier and happier. Your boyfriend is unhappy -- when you lose weight, he will probably still be unhappy.

Please, lose weight for yourself -- but also -- deal with him -- not based on your weight, but based on your emotions. If he loves you (not based on your appearance) than he should have never been "checking out the playing field".

SuchAPrettyFace
08-11-2008, 04:03 AM
I'm just curious... my hubby thinks I'm just crazy and paranoid, but you know when you KNOW something...

I work with two people who are just COLD to me... and I just KNOW it's because I'm fat. They're fit and trim and attractive and we have had almost ZERO interaction (meaning that there is no baggage, etc for why they would treat me less friendly).

Have you ever met people who are Fat-Haters? Who simply just don't want to be friendly or smile at you in the hallway simply b/c they are offended by your "Fatness"?

I feel that way...

(and I'm not even disgustingly obese--- I dress professionally and I'm not sloppy/dirty/offensive in any way like, I'm sorry, some "stereotypical" fat people are)

I swear, this one girl is relatively new to the department, I've got a good reputation around here as being a good worker who produces a+ reports... no background of baggage (I've been here less than a year myself, so no time to build up a bad rep yet!) and she just never smiles at me in the hall or greets me... just walks by and doesn't even look. COLD.

I just want to go in her office one day and say, "Listen, are you rude to me just because I'm fat? Because that's really not fair. You are never friendly to me and I just can't figure it out."

ARGH.

I am "disgustingly obese", and I can say, some people are just jerks. There is no rhyme or reason & they are missing out on getting to know a great person.

Your gauge is going to have to be how she treats others in the office. Is there someone in the office who IS "disgustingly obese"? How does she treat that person? Is there someone the same level of...well I don't want to say fatness, but there it is, fatness as you? How does she treat that person? These are the things I would look at if someone were being cold to me.

As big girls, we have a tendency to think, "It's my weight" when something goes wrong. Not fair to us, or our self esteem. Generally it's the other person's hangup, or like someone else mentioned, we are human & have our own flaws other than dress size.

You mention she doesn't even look at you or greet you in the hall. Do you greet her? Do you smile? Smiles usually get smiles. If they don't, all you can do is shrug & know you made the effort.

You also say you've had ZERO interaction. Now I have no idea what you do or where you work, but is there any business purpose that would throw you together? Would there ever be a time you've HAVE to interact with them? If not, I would chalk it up to them being shy/jerks & writing them off. Just keep being friendly. Nothing wrong with that.

I say that because there are 175 people in the building I work in. There are some new girls, but they usually warm up once they start talking to me.

The other thing I wanted to say was my own personal experience with someone like this. Turns out she was painfully shy. She just didn't know me & wasn't going to be friendly until someone she knew spoke to me. I'd say hi if I saw her in the hall or elevator, but she'd just look at me. I'd think to myself, "Dude, I'm not asking you out, I just said Good Morning!" :lol: Ridiculous.

So that is what I would do, just see how she relates to others who are not Barbie-doll sized & go from there. This would be how you could unequivocally tell if it was weight-related. Because, yeah, weight-related criticism does exist but make sure she's not icy to everyone before you beat yourself up about it. :)

lovespink
08-11-2008, 12:54 PM
I know it's not my fault and I'm def. not taking the blame. But it still sucks. We were planning to get married before I gained the weight, then I told him I wouldn't until I lost it, so it partially is my fault. I haven't been allowing myself to live the life I want because of weight. It's really ridiculous. I won't go on vacations or anything. Do any of you guys do that?
I really hate that people treat people differently based on weight. When I was thin I never treated anyone differently, although I think I had the same sterotype of overweight people that thin people do. It sure was wrong though. People should be educated that overweight people don't just pig out and sit around all day. My boyfriend claims he has always had a "fat phobia".
I know this is not my thread, I don't want to steal it from the OP, but I am just so stressed out about all this. I set up an appt. to see a counselor this Thursday. I love my bf very much and want to be with him but I don't know how to handle the things he has done. I know that i'll be resentful when I lose weight. It really has tainted our relationship. I've imagined scenarios where I could get revenge, like losing weight and then pretending to cheat on him so he could catch me and feel as bad as I do. Hopefully this will all pass. I'm glad I found this community though, I think you guys will be very helpful on my journey

lovespink
08-11-2008, 01:17 PM
[QUOTE=SuchAPrettyFace;2310685] I'd say hi if I saw her in the hall or elevator, but she'd just look at me. I'd think to myself, "Dude, I'm not asking you out, I just said Good Morning!" :lol: Ridiculous. QUOTE]

Haha that just made me think of something. I never talk to guys I don't know well because I don't want them to think I like them and then be rude to me because they are disgusted by my weight.. Talk about low self esteem. I hate going in public really because when I hear people laughing I always think it must be about me. When I see thin girls I assume they are thinking how happy they are to not be me because i'm so gross. Talk about low self esteem!

Star2Be
08-11-2008, 05:40 PM
When I see thin girls I assume they are thinking how happy they are to not be me because i'm so gross. Talk about low self esteem!

Ugh, I definitely do this, too... During the school year when I was at college, my dorm was really far from campus, so every day when I was walking to/from, I'd always see lots of people jogging. I always felt like they were looking at me, like they were either thinking Hmm, why don't YOU try this, ya tub of lard! or especially with girls, I'd think that I must be motivating them to keep jogging... Like they'd be thinking, If I keep up with this, I won't look like HER! Such a terrible thing for me to think, and I know only a small fraction of people are that nasty, but I could never get it out of my head. Someday I hope to get to the point where I'M the one jogging down the sidewalk. Seems like a very scary thought right now! Hehe.

jennisue
08-11-2008, 09:23 PM
HI--

Having been both thin and fat I can tell you most def people treat you different -- BUT I am different then I was when I was thin -I am kinder and less self centered -- So maybe people respond to the vibe and ques we give them?

BrandNewJen
08-13-2008, 12:23 PM
Just to clarify, b/c I've been away from this thread for a while---

I myself am a relatively shy person at first--- I don't go walking around the halls popping my head into other people's office just to say hi and start conversation. But if I pass someone walking by me, I certainly smile and say "good morning" etc...

I've passed her several times and did the old routine, with nothing back. So I stopped. She doesn't even look up at me, OBVIOUSLY averts her eyes so she won't even have to try to make conversation... and I've seen her be friendly with other people.

I just don't get it. There's another lady who I met my first week here, small, super active, older woman--- she LITERALLY did the ol' eye me up and down routine, then kinda sneered and said, "nice to meet you" when we were introduced. She avoids me ever since.

Some people... I'm not saying everyone... but some people just make their opinions on the physical presentation and that's it.... ah well.

KLK
08-13-2008, 12:34 PM
She eyed you up and down and then sneered!? LOL! :lol: I'm sorry to laugh, but how can someone seriously DO THAT to someone else??

Personally, if someone did that to me, they'd get placed atop my Sh*t List and ignored by me forever, until such time that I am either forced to interact with them or they stop being an @ss. Whichever comes first.


I just don't get it. There's another lady who I met my first week here, small, super active, older woman--- she LITERALLY did the ol' eye me up and down routine, then kinda sneered and said, "nice to meet you" when we were introduced. She avoids me ever since.

JulieJ08
08-13-2008, 01:02 PM
She eyed you up and down and then sneered!? LOL! :lol: I'm sorry to laugh, but how can someone seriously DO THAT to someone else??

I have to agree. I might have laughed out loud on the spot. Then she could think I was fat *and* crazy.

Mommysince21505
08-13-2008, 02:52 PM
Going back to why this thread was started.... I am VERY shy, and I sometimes walk by people without looking them in the eye. Although, if someone said, "Good Morning" I probably would have replied but probably still wouldn't have looked up! Just the other day I was walking by someone and I forced myself to look up and smile at them and I think I probably gave them the most weirdest smile ever! I am so trying to work on it but it's times like those that make me want to go back to not looking people in the eye! Hahaha! :lol:

SuchAPrettyFace
08-13-2008, 04:16 PM
Just to clarify, b/c I've been away from this thread for a while---

I myself am a relatively shy person at first--- I don't go walking around the halls popping my head into other people's office just to say hi and start conversation. But if I pass someone walking by me, I certainly smile and say "good morning" etc...

I've passed her several times and did the old routine, with nothing back. So I stopped. She doesn't even look up at me, OBVIOUSLY averts her eyes so she won't even have to try to make conversation... and I've seen her be friendly with other people.

I just don't get it. There's another lady who I met my first week here, small, super active, older woman--- she LITERALLY did the ol' eye me up and down routine, then kinda sneered and said, "nice to meet you" when we were introduced. She avoids me ever since.

Some people... I'm not saying everyone... but some people just make their opinions on the physical presentation and that's it.... ah well.You are absolutely right about that. All you can do is be friendly & if it isn't returned there is no reason to continue.

hotmomma
08-13-2008, 05:32 PM
I've lived as a normal weight and a heavy weight so I feel like I have a good grasp on just how fickle humans can be.

When I was significantly overweight, 260+lbs on a 5 foot frame, I couldn't get a job to save my life. I am well educated and have really great references, but nobody would hire me. I didn't get a good job till I got down to under 200 lbs. I work in the medical field.
One of the jobs I interviewed for was working as an office manager for a group of men (physicians). they interviewed me as a group. I was definalty qualified. They hired a much younger, much thinner woman who they got rid of after a few weeks because she had no clue what she was doing and they then had the audacity to call me and ask me if I wanted to position. I told them no, they were not what I was looking for in an employer and that it was obvious they made their decisions based on physical appearance instead of relying on experience. I have not regretted that decision yet.
I've found that people do discriminate agains those they feel don't meet their esthetic ideals. I've been very overweight, and I've been normal and I've found that people tend to treat me much better when I'm thinner. Women in particular are nicer to me when I'm heavier because they don't see me as a threat. Older men are nice to me when I'm heavy, but practically fall over themselves to be nice to me when I'm thinner. Young men don't even give me the time of day when I'm heavier. When I'm mid range, they are at least not afraid of catching my fatness by talking to me, when I'm thin they are my best friends. even the heavy guys act in this predictable manner.

This has been my experience exactly. Most of my life I wasn't overweight, and for some years I was pretty thin/conventionally "attractive." I was definitely treated differently when I was thin. I was treated well, favorably even. "Oh you don't have experience with that type of work? Well, you can learn." Then, when I gained weight I definitely saw a difference. I have great qualifications on paper and could always land the interview. In the past, once I got the interview, I could usually land the job - so I don't think I have poor interviewing skills.

However, I'm a career-changer, and I've noticed that even though I have really good work experience I've been turned down for people with NO work experience. They look good in a suit though. I'm jealous, frustrated, want to cry, but ultimately thinking "if you can't beat em, join em."

I don't lose weight quickly but I'm really trying, because I know it will make a difference in my ability to get work.

ann1
08-13-2008, 09:55 PM
This is a great topic. I was treated horribly when I weighed over 200 and over 250. I have a Masters degree and did not get many jobs due to blatant weight discrimination. Many people are jerks and have no idea how words can wound. Even now, I have had people tell me I need to be 115 lbs. And as you can see, my ticker shows a very unrealistic 105 as a goal weight. So, I succumb to the pressure even though I will never even get there.

It just never seems to be good enough. Going from over 250 to less than 140 should be good enough, even if I am short. I am definitely treated much better now though and it does take getting used to. People open doors for me, make small talk, etc. I often have to do a double take and think - "why are they talking to me?" It also makes me angry that people thought I was a different, unworthy person at my heaviest. I also think many people, including friends, were embarrassed to be seen with me. The shame and guilt from being heavy in a thin-centric society is very painful. My heart goes out to anyone who has been treated badly because of their size.

snapless
08-13-2008, 10:09 PM
Sometimes you get the wrong impressions from body language.

When I was at my heaviest I had the bad habit of constantly crossing my arms (like I was standoffish) in an unconscious effort to hide my humongous belly.

My best friend/sil told me that was why my (then) 3 yr old niece wouldn't warm up to me, no matter how friendly I spoke to her. I had to make conscious effort to stop doing that and you know what, she warmed up to me after I started showing, thru body language, that I was open and warm to her.

Also, a lot of times we tend to concoct in our minds reasons why people are doing something, when the truth couldn't be any more different. It could be those people you think hate you because you're not skinny are actually jealous of your gorgeous red hair. ;)

Sharkysmachine
08-13-2008, 10:23 PM
They have done numerous studies demonstrating that weight bias is a very real thing. It has nothing to do with "body language" or "confidence" and that many people are societally condition to ascribe negative traits to heavier people even when those heavier people are behaving neutrally. Conversely, you think people care whether or not Angelina Jolie has bad body language? Don't kid yourself. Looks do matter and people make this abundantly clear. I have seen the shocking effects of how differently I am perceived as a thin person and, no, it's not body language or confidence.

Lois Gordon
08-13-2008, 11:18 PM
I went to a pedicurist once that literally scowled at me. She treated me like you know what....and treated all the skinny model types like queens. I will never forget her treatment and cant go near a pedicurist since.

famograham
08-13-2008, 11:45 PM
Lois...you should read my story a few pages back! I'll attempt to link to it!
http://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/showthread.php?p=2304964#post2304964

I was the pedicurist...and the client was the one to do the hurting!

I'm sorry you had such a terrible experience...just remember there are kind, warm, caring ones out there like me too (although I don't practice anymore)!

:hug:
Linda

kaplods
08-14-2008, 02:28 AM
That fat discrimination happens is terrible enough, but that so many people think it's ok, or "sort of ok" adds so much insult to the injury. I cringe whenever I hear someone tell someone who has been emotionally abused because of their weight, often by their own family to "use it as motivation" to "show them."

But what has the weight loss "shown them," except that they were right? That it was "ok" to be abusive, because it "motivated" the person to lose weight didn't it? And what did it show the formerly fat person? What did they learn, except that they were worthy of contempt when they were fat, and now that they are thin, only now are they worthy of the respect that people are now giving them.


In grade school I had a gym teacher who tormented me and made fun of me infront of the class and encouraged the other kids to do so(from the age of 5 to 11 years old). I would get physically ill on "P.E. days" and my mother went to see the gym teacher (a very fat man himself), and his rationale was that it would "motivate" me to lose weight, and hopefully he could "spare me" from becoming a fat adult (like that was what went wrong in HIS life, no one tortured him enough).

Sadly, this explanation satisfied my mother (it was a different time), but even as a small child I knew it was a crappy explanation, because I knew even then that being sad, scared, or angry only made me want to eat more. Although it did change my attitude about the gym teacher. I was no longer afraid of him, I just hated him with every fiber of my being, and no longer put in the effort to even try to impress him - and unfortunately for many years as a result (with some reinforcement from a junior high gym teacher who possibly was the most evil woman on the planet) I hated anything that resembled exercise (except for swimming) because of the association with cruelty and ridicule.

I don't think cruelty inspires people. I don't think there are any fat folks out there who are fat because they didn't receive enough ridicule in their lives, or are fat because they don't hate themselves enough. More often it's the reverse, feeling unworthy of taking care of our own needs, feeling too horrible and disgusting to be seen in public - particularly being seen doing anything fun and active in public (we'd look ridiculous). Get on a bike, go swimming, play baseball?! Are you insane!? That's only for skinny, perfect people. Nope we should stay home in the shadows until we lose the weight (of course, that'll make it harder to lose weight, because we've isolated ourselves, and eliminated most sources of potential support).

Often what we do to ourselves is even more damaging than what we've allowed others to do to us. And that's not ok, either.

bored15541
08-14-2008, 03:14 AM
In school another time i had my locker beside this guy who was a complete *** me and him fought all the time. Well he started this thing where he called all the big girls the "herd" (as in cows) omg so it caught on and they where always mooing. He left the next year to a different school with a better sports program. I never missed him. Karma bit him in the @ss hard. I found out he had a stroke. This 14 year old good shape and health he lost movement in his left side and yeah. I felt terrible for him. All that stuff he started about the big girls was like nothing. But happy to find out he's all recovered and doing what he loves to do play basket ball. I hold no grudge against him cuz what happend to him was life threating.

snapless
08-14-2008, 04:14 AM
:hm:

Just have to clarify my post because it seems like the person who responded after I did was directing her post at me....

I never said body language covered all situations, just that it was a possibility.

I am not making excuses for ANY weight biased treatment or saying it is acceptable to be treated differently because you are <insert size here>.

All I said was that perception by one party may differ drastically from intention by the other.

This is true in ALL relations, not just this particular scenario. This is not discounting the perceiver's feelings, just stating that what they believe to be intentional may not always be so.

Star2Be
08-15-2008, 09:23 PM
kaplods, your posts always seem to have so much wisdom... Thanks for the above. :)