Weight Loss Support - feeling bad: nasty and negative comments from family members




kaytlin90
07-28-2008, 06:38 PM
So, I still live with my family. My older brother and my mom just keeps me telling me really negative stuff that affects me: they'll tell me to sit on my big fatty butt. Another example is my mom telling me when I'm starving given it's been 5 hours since I last ate that it doesn't matter since I've got so much fat to loose.

They are not supportive at all. When they learned that I was doing push-ups, they just totally laugh at me and said that it might be funny to see a fat girl like me doing push-ups and that they should see me do that once so that they can both laugh. She is currently reminding me of how fat I am, she's like hey you got bigger legs than me, there's so fatty. My brother laugh when he heard I was working out and I can't even sit one second or he'll tell me to goo workout instead of sitting even when I've done an hour of intense workout the same day. when my brother say something negative about me my mom will just laugh it off with him. Or she's like at other times telling me that I don't loose weight fast and that all my effort are worthless.

I'm so ******* sick of all that. I don't know how to react to all that. I have problems with self-esteem cause of my weight and my mom and bro just keeps reinforcing that, they aren't helping at all. I tried once telling her that those things that she and my bro tells me hurt me and not just a bit and she just said that I get angry too easily and that she just loves me. Lol, why don't she says nice thing to me instead, she's just incapable of doing that, I don't think she has ever tell me something positive.

I also dont know how to react when she and my brother tell me something negative, how should i react aside from getting angry at them and just going to my room ? im lost.


Mel
07-28-2008, 06:46 PM
Kaytlin, I'm guessing from the 90 in your user name that you are 18 years old? There's probably not a lot you can do to change your family, unfortunately, other than to just keep doing what you are doing and don't let them get you down. Siblings are cruel to each other often, and sometimes mothers and daughters don't perceive what they say as being hurtful. Can you try to talk to your mother without your brother around?


Just lots of hugs to you :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

Mel

ToniLight
07-28-2008, 06:47 PM
I'm not much with the advice but I am sorry this is happening. I hope you can find something to get them to lay off, there are so many helpful folks here, I am sure one of them will have gone through something similar and have the perfect advice. Don't give up, you are living your life for you, not them. I know it is hard to close your ears to their mocking but try. You are a lovely beautiful person who is worth all the hard work you are doing!


kaytlin90
07-28-2008, 06:51 PM
im 21. I tried telling my mother but she just is making no efforts at all to try to not say those hurtful things to me. They seriously hurt me, they really affect me when they say those things and I have no idea how she cant realise that and make efforts. I hate them, I am so angry at them and they are so getting me down. I dont know what to do.

WarMaiden
07-28-2008, 06:57 PM
Possible comebacks to incredible rudeness and insensitivity by family members:

*with a look of just quiet curiosity, no other emotion* "Do you realize you just said that out loud?"

*calm, without emotion* "When you talk to me like that, I don't feel like being anywhere near you." *then WALK AWAY and go to your room, totally calm*

*calm again* "You're entitled to your opinion, and to say whatever you like, however hurtful and rude it may be."

*absolute, utter silence, while you continue reading or doing whatever you were doing as if they never spoke at all* (I highly recommend this one, the silent treatment drives rude people insane.)

The key here is just to let their comments roll off of you as if they have no effect at all. If you continue to react violently, then they will continue to provoke you...because contrary to the "but we love you!" statements, they are actively TRYING to provoke you.

JuliaDH
07-28-2008, 06:59 PM
I find that just not sharing my expreience and plans with neg people ie keep them out of the loop has been my best survival tip. Find people who think like you do and share with them. Like the lovly people here. You may want to find someone live tho for those real hugs one needs sometimes.

kaytlin90
07-28-2008, 07:03 PM
But they always ask me questions about it : my workout, my diet. so they just can both laugh together about it right in my face. How should i react ?

xraygirl
07-28-2008, 07:06 PM
I completely understand. My mom is still somewhat that way and I am 33 with my own children. I just keep on working hard at losing the weight because then they won't have anything to talk about. They will be speechless because of how I have worked hard to be healthy and thin. Kind of like "I'll show them."

PenChick
07-28-2008, 07:22 PM
you can use their mean negative comments as a boost for you to get healthy. I have family members that thrive off negativity. I have pretty much given up on them and just let them say what they need to say and simply ask them if they are done talking so that i can move on to a more interesting conversation. Some people just get a kick out of putting people down. Don't let it get you down, use it against them!

yoyonomoreinvegas
07-28-2008, 07:22 PM
But they always ask me questions about it : my workout, my diet. so they just can both laugh together about it right in my face. How should i react ?

Open your mouth like you're going to answer, then close it, smile and say "wow, you really had me going there. I almost thought you cared" Turn and leave the room chuckling and shaking your head.

And, as WarMaiden said, no matter how you feel on the inside, keep the outside looking calm and your voice sounding calm.

Kitegirl24
07-28-2008, 07:27 PM
But they always ask me questions about it : my workout, my diet. so they just can both laugh together about it right in my face. How should i react ?

Maybe you could say something like, "I would love to share with you what I'm doing, but not if you're going to make hurtful comments about it. I'm trying really hard to be healthier, and I need all the support I can get." If they KEEP laughing at your efforts, I would just refuse to discuss that aspect of your life at all with them, since they obviously don't understand how important this is for you.

I agree completely with WarMaiden: you MUST stay calm - they are trying to provoke a reaction from you! If you get angry and lash out, that only adds fuel to the fire. Don't give them what they want!! After a couple weeks, they will realize that you are SERIOUS and they will probably lay off you.

fiberlover
07-28-2008, 07:29 PM
But they always ask me questions about it : my workout, my diet. so they just can both laugh together about it right in my face. How should i react ?

I would tell them calmly that this topic is off-limits until they learn to be supportive, and then go about your business. Don't get mad, just repeat this every time they ask you.

At some point they will either get the point, or stop asking you - either of which would be good!

mandalinn82
07-28-2008, 07:33 PM
I find that a simple "This topic is not open for discussion" works really well. Repeat as necessary (and it might be necessary a lot) until they get the hint.

bargoo
07-28-2008, 07:40 PM
If you are 21 you are old enough to be on your own. Do you have a job? Could you afford an apartment, maybe share one with someone. What your relatives are doing is abuse And the best thing for you is to stay as far away from them as possible.

photoRuth
07-28-2008, 08:00 PM
agree with Bargoo.

You are in a very sick family situation and it is good that you even know it considering you were raised in it. Family and friends should give unconditional love & support, call you out on bad behavior, prop you up when you need it, etc. Do your mom and brother do any of that?

Do you have friends who are supportive? Are you working full time? Find an apartment or rent a room in someones house. You'll be amazed at how much better you'll feel about yourself when you are on your own, taking care of yourself. It builds self esteem. Then you can choose to see your family on your terms.

leelily
07-28-2008, 08:25 PM
Hi! That is not a good situation to be in! I would do my very best to avoid them and I wouldn't share any of my plans with them. I would just keep telling them that I would rather not discuss it, no matter how many times they ask. It almost sounds like they are trying to feel better about themselves by putting you down. Try to surround yourself with supportive and positive people as much as you can and keep trying to improve your health!! You are worth it!! :hug:

NearlyHopeless
07-28-2008, 09:03 PM
It is abuse, plain and simple. If it happens again consult your pastor and have an intervention, either by the authorities or their friends. If you need help getting out of there call your nearest Women's Shelter. In the mean time concentrate on your quest.

ellaqz
07-28-2008, 09:14 PM
Katlin -
I am so sorry to hear of this verbal & emotional abuse you're suffering. Unfortunately, the people who are supposed to love us unconditionally often feel they must put others down in order to feel better about themselves.
I agree with everyone else - stay calm & try to ignore the situation or use some of the comments suggested by others.

I've been reading Linda Spangle's Life is Hard, Food is Easy. This is a book about emotional eating. I just finished the chapter on rebuilding your self-esteem. Here's a few quotes/suggestions made in this book that might be helpful for you...

"No matter what you say or do to me, I am still a worthwhile person."

"Come on, you can do anything" (self-talk)

Something else shared in this book, which should help you each day to rebuild your self-esteem - "start noticing 'small wins' & write down all the good things that happen during the day. don't write down food struggles, record only positive eating events/healthy foods. At the end of the day, commend yourself & notice how it affects your attitude."

I really like the writing down only positive food choices. The purpose is to help you realize you are doing good things, eating some good things & helps you to focus on the positive so you can feel good/better about yourself.

I also echo the comments re: moving out of your family home if you can afford it. The sooner you can get out of the negative environment, the sooner you'll start feeling better about yourself. (Plus - when you've lost some weight & you get together with them for a family get-together, just imagine their looks of shock/awe. This might be a good motivator for you.)

Best of Luck. Know that God Loves You & is by your side (although sometimes it doesn't seem like it).

YOU ARE A VALUABLE & WORTHWHILE PERSON!!!! :hug::hug:

VermontMom
07-28-2008, 09:41 PM
I am so sorry to hear how hurtful your own family is being to you :( But everything that has been said by these ladies is extremely helpful, and I hope you can get through this without losing your desire to get healthier! :hug:

Apple Cheeks
07-28-2008, 10:09 PM
But they always ask me questions about it : my workout, my diet. so they just can both laugh together about it right in my face. How should i react ?

Maybe you could say something like, "If I thought you really cared, I would tell you." Then walk away.

I know you probably love them, but your mother and brother are jerks.

Do you ever say anything back to them? It sounds as if you take the high road, or don't say much. If so, then they are like hyenas attacking a vulnerable prey that doesn't fight back.

If it were me, I would get damn mad and make sure they knew it. :mad: Since they don't seem to care about your feelings, why spare theirs? When they say cruel things or laugh at you, tell them they are jerks. Tell them to f**k off. Tell them to mind their own business. Tell them that all their fat is between their ears.

You get the idea.

If your mom tells you are over-reacting, then tell her you have every right to get angry at her comments or behavior because they are cruel, thoughtless, and un-loving and she wouldn't like it if someone said things like that to her.

Saying she's joking or that she loves you after verbal abuse does not excuse it! If she still doesn't get it, tell her "You're an old wrinkled hag. Hahahaaaa! Just kidding. I love you." See if she likes a dose of her own medicine.:devil:

And in the meantime, I would be looking for somewhere--anywhere--else to live. You don't need to be around emotionally abusive a-holes like that, even if they are your family.

Janie Canuck
07-29-2008, 01:10 PM
While I agree with the prevailing advice that you need to stay calm and non-confrontational, I would find that REALLY difficult. My inner witch-with-a-b would feel the overwhelming need to retaliate, to defend myself. Something along the lines of "Yeah, I'm fat, but I can LOSE the weight. You'll probably be a mean old shrew/mean a-hole for the rest of your life." Not that I think that is the BEST way to handle it, but sometimes it's hard not to defend yourself.

gmdavis
07-29-2008, 05:04 PM
But they always ask me questions about it : my workout, my diet. so they just can both laugh together about it right in my face. How should i react ?

I'm afraid I'm not as kind as most of these people. There's just no reason for your loved ones to be so unsupportive. I'm sure I'd say something ugly like, "Well, I can diet and lose weight, but you'll both still be ignorant." I know, I know...nothing good comes from that kind of comeback, but I'd feel better. It sounds like a good reason for you to find a roommate and move out on your own. You don't have to be a psychologist to see that their attitude towards you is at least partially to blame for your weight and self-esteem. If you dump them, you may find the weight falls off! Good luck!

Mrs Snark
07-29-2008, 06:11 PM
Oh my goodness, your family situation has me completely hot under the collar. I'm so sorry you have to put up with that sort of thing, it is completely unacceptable.

Everyone in this thread has already given great advice and I'd only be repeating most of it if I wrote out my own. So I'll just add that the most important thing is for you to believe in yourself. All your life you will meet naysayers and doubters and small-minded people who belittle others for no reason. It's terrible you are seeing this in your own family. Terrible and unfair. But don't let their behavior govern yours -- you must believe in yourself. You are the captain of your ship, you steer your own course. So never give up.

UrsusMaritimus
07-29-2008, 06:31 PM
I agree with everyone who says that this is emotional abuse. Your family has NO RIGHT to treat you this way. Is there anything specific that is preventing you from moving out?

I also agree that you should simply refuse to discuss any aspect of your weight loss journey with your family, no matter how often they ask. Ignore them, or tell them pointedly that you're done discussing it. Tell them you're tired of the harassment and they should find something more productive to do with their time.

I'm so sorry you've been subjected to such cruelty.

gtech2mit10
07-29-2008, 06:48 PM
Just know that you're not alone, truly. This is something I think a lot of people (women in particular) quietly endure abuse for -- everything from thoughtless, hurtful comments to outright cruelty -- from their families. But even if you can't get out of that situation, stay strong and don't let few ugly words deter you -- use them as a motivation, as others have suggested. Your health is too important for that.

lifechange
07-29-2008, 11:53 PM
Hey Katylin- 2 against 1 those are never good odds no matter what you do.
Its a little late now but I would not tell them anything about what I am doing. You can even start now- if they ask just shrug or "not sure" answer. My son is great at that technique, it drives me insane. You can't get blood from a stone. Keep exercising and making the right food choices and before you know it they will be impressed with what you have accomplished.
I am assuming that if you could move out, you would be out- but I echo everyone here it sounds like it might be healthier for you to be out of a toxic situation.

Iconised Ghost
07-30-2008, 05:54 AM
that sounds like a really tough situation :( do you have any friends that you can work out with or talk to about your weight goals, that would motivate you and help you? Then at least you have someone who can kinda counter act the negativity you are getting. You also didnt mention your dad- i dont know anything about you personally, but is he around to support you? I hope i havent put my foot in my mouth there >.<

BlondeAmbition08
07-30-2008, 07:22 AM
That's horrible! :hug:

I have no contact with my mother because she is a mean ***** as well - about my body, about my intelligence, etc. But when she needs something from me, she's always sticky sweet as honey. Because of her behavior I have now completely cut her out of my life.

I agree with those who have said that you should try and get your own place. You are old enough to live your own life. If you get some distance between you and your mother and brother, maybe you can have a better relationship with them in the end.

IrishRover
07-30-2008, 08:16 AM
Hi Katlin,

Im 21 too and living at home and both my parents are so unsupportive too. they know i try so hard but they know nothing about dieting so if they see me eating 1 really low-cal biscuit (because im on weightwatchers and i have the points for it) they get really smug looking and would say something sarcastic to me. the ridiculous thing is theyre both much heavier than me and eat really bad food but still think theyre better! it really seems that your family is trying to demoralise you so you stop losing weight, they probably feel bad about themselves and know when you start lookin fabulous they'll have no one to take out their insecurities on. just keep going and remember that you're doing this for yourself, and if their comments stop you from getting to your goal then theyve won. the best reward will be the look on their faces when youve lost your weight, then see if they can find anything horrible to say.
best of luck, and keep going!

txsqlchick
07-30-2008, 08:55 AM
So, I still live with my family. My older brother and my mom just keeps me telling me really negative stuff that affects me: they'll tell me to sit on my big fatty butt. Another example is my mom telling me when I'm starving given it's been 5 hours since I last ate that it doesn't matter since I've got so much fat to loose.

They are not supportive at all. When they learned that I was doing push-ups, they just totally laugh at me and said that it might be funny to see a fat girl like me doing push-ups and that they should see me do that once so that they can both laugh. She is currently reminding me of how fat I am, she's like hey you got bigger legs than me, there's so fatty. My brother laugh when he heard I was working out and I can't even sit one second or he'll tell me to goo workout instead of sitting even when I've done an hour of intense workout the same day. when my brother say something negative about me my mom will just laugh it off with him. Or she's like at other times telling me that I don't lose weight fast and that all my effort are worthless.

I'm so ******* sick of all that. I don't know how to react to all that. I have problems with self-esteem cause of my weight and my mom and bro just keeps reinforcing that, they aren't helping at all. I tried once telling her that those things that she and my bro tells me hurt me and not just a bit and she just said that I get angry too easily and that she just loves me. Lol, why don't she says nice thing to me instead, she's just incapable of doing that, I don't think she has ever tell me something positive.

I also dont know how to react when she and my brother tell me something negative, how should i react aside from getting angry at them and just going to my room ? im lost.

I know it's easier said than done, but IGNORE what they say. They're wrong.

They should be supporting you in your efforts and they're not. That's a problem. However, you don't need them. I don't have any support in real life either. Just think how good it'll feel when you do lose the weight and throw it back in their faces. You're dealing with some serious dysfunction and I'm very sorry you have to experience that. My family is dysfunctional but in different ways; I grew up being told I was too fat and was treated best when I wasn't fat. Even now in my 30s they tell me how "pretty" I'd be if I just lost weight. To **** with them. You can do it without them.

stuck
08-01-2008, 12:33 PM
Kaytlin

Dont give up and try to ignore them your family is insecure and they feel threatened by your new goals. I had the same problem a few years ago my family was similar to yours, they would roll their eyes and make fun of me for counting calories or whatever. I used to workout in my room with the door closed and cranked up music so they wouldnt hear me. I felt like I should be ashamed for trying to lose weight and maintain it so I let them get to me and I gave up. So now here I am starting over at an even higher weight. I finally realized, a little too late that they took their insecurities out on me. Dont let them do that to you. Just cut them off, I know they are your family but at this point I wish I had treated them like the enemy, because they were the enemy. It would have been easier that way to tell them to F#@& off! I dont know if your able to move out, if not change your mental picture of them... Loser, enemy, scum, jerks, etc. . .

Long story short dont give up that will give them pleasure.

hotmomma
08-01-2008, 01:24 PM
It's weird reading all these comments about the mom and brother's comments being emotional abuse. I never thought of it that way, simply because I grew up like that and it never crossed my mind that there was anything I could do about that at the time. I've had body image issues since I was very young - like 3.

I grew up watching my mother constantly check out her body in the mirror, and she'd project her insecurity onto me.

I remember when I was about 11 I was the same height I am now 5'7 and I weighed 121 pounds. I remember reaching for a second popsicle and my mother saying "are you SURE you want to eat that?"

My grandmother said something about me being as "big as a house" and she used to hold "weight loss contests" with me.

My brother, similarly, was constantly calling me fat, even when I wasn't actually fat. My father has not said one nice thing about my looks since I lost a lot of weight in my 20s. Then he said "you're so good looking now."

I'm 38 and I cannot recall living one day, EVER, where I wasn't worried about what I ate. I have been food/weight conscious since I was old enough to understand that food can make you fat.

I see it happening to my niece and nephew too. My daughter was babysitting my nephew, then 3. He told her he didn't want hot chocolate because hot chocolate "makes you fat."

I definitely got the message that my family hates fat people, or even slightly fat people, or even people who are pretty normal weight but could stand to lose 10 pounds.

Whatever you do ladies, PLEASE don't do this to your kids.

txsqlchick
08-01-2008, 03:41 PM
It's weird reading all these comments about the mom and brother's comments being emotional abuse. I never thought of it that way, simply because I grew up like that and it never crossed my mind that there was anything I could do about that at the time. I've had body image issues since I was very young - like 3.

I grew up watching my mother constantly check out her body in the mirror, and she'd project her insecurity onto me.

I remember when I was about 11 I was the same height I am now 5'7 and I weighed 121 pounds. I remember reaching for a second popsicle and my mother saying "are you SURE you want to eat that?"

My grandmother said something about me being as "big as a house" and she used to hold "weight loss contests" with me.

My brother, similarly, was constantly calling me fat, even when I wasn't actually fat. My father has not said one nice thing about my looks since I lost a lot of weight in my 20s. Then he said "you're so good looking now."

I'm 38 and I cannot recall living one day, EVER, where I wasn't worried about what I ate. I have been food/weight conscious since I was old enough to understand that food can make you fat.

I see it happening to my niece and nephew too. My daughter was babysitting my nephew, then 3. He told her he didn't want hot chocolate because hot chocolate "makes you fat."

I definitely got the message that my family hates fat people, or even slightly fat people, or even people who are pretty normal weight but could stand to lose 10 pounds.

Whatever you do ladies, PLEASE don't do this to your kids.

That sounds really familiar. Are you sure you weren't hiding under our kitchen table while I was growing up?

mariarose
08-01-2008, 08:22 PM
That sounds really familiar. Are you sure you weren't hiding under our kitchen table while I was growing up?

haha no you both were hiding under my kitchen table! Seriously, even my 19 year old brother's eating is all messed up from my parents' fat phobia.

Apple Cheeks
08-01-2008, 08:30 PM
Hotmomma: I can't say my whole family was like that, but my dad was most definitely an emotional abuser, so I recognize it when I see it happening to someone else. He was also an alcoholic, which made things even more interesting.

My mom was obese for much of my young life, although she never intentionally projected her problems with it onto me. I never heard her talking about how fat she was, or anything like that. However, I do recall watching her struggle with her weight, hiding from having her picture taken, and getting upset when my dad called her "pumpkin." (He didn't call her that as a term of endeatment--he told her it was because she was shaped like one.:mad:)

When I was a teenager, I was 6 feet tall but only 150 pounds because I was very active. I played sports, and was very lean. Yet I still recall my dad sneering at me "Another one?" when I reached to have a second piece of bacon one morning. My dad also had a meanhearted nickname for me as a child, similiar to how he called my mom pumpkin. He told me it was because I was a tubby toddler.

My dad was a jerk, to both me and my mom. He is still condescending and hurtful to this day. Half the time I don't even know if he's aware that he's doing it. Yes, I love him, but I can't stand to be around him, so he is involved very little in my life as an adult.

So I echo your plea: parents--please don't do this kind of thing to your kids, even if you think it's just good natured joking or trying to "help." It's not, and it doesn't.