Weight Loss Surgery - my estranged mother...

...is dying. She told my sister a year ago that she had a lump in her breast and was going to ignore it, "I just don't care anymore." As if, by doing so we were receiving some kind punishment.

This morning, the same sister got a call from my uncle that she has breast cancer and it has spread to her entire body causing her bones to break and has days or weeks to live AND she wasn't going to tell us!

I am a bit numb but find myself wanting to go to the fridge, go to the store and find that something that will make my mom love me and not leave...maybe I'm sick and this is a sad way to handle things but it's honest. I don't want to give up the benefits of my WLS but I don't know how to handle this...

The same sister wants to drive the 700 miles to see her "one last time" and though I don't want to exactly, I think I might need to. To put an ending on it all.

I just needed to talk to someone, to know that someone cares...to stay out of the kitchen for a few more minutes while typing and not make myself sick trying to bury this grief in chocolate something-or-others.


Thanks for listening,

Angela :(

Ps My avatar is a computer drawing of me and my mom when I was young.

Ohhhh, sweetie. My heart is breaking for you. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I'm at a loss of things to say, so hopefully some other ladies here can give you better support than I can - but I just wanted to say my thoughts and prayers are being sent your way. Hang in there, and don't let go. <3

Hello Angela,

My thoughts are with you. I can only offer a few things that might help, the first is that going to the kitchen and trying to find comfort in food won't make you feel better, it will make things worse because of the guilt you'll put on yourself. But one of the techniques I use when I absolutely feel as though I must eat is to eat carrots and other veggies that are considered "free" in regard to calories like Celery and broccoli. You could grill them if you're not a fan of raw veggies.

Another important thing though, is to figure out what you need to do to find as much closure as possible. If that means going with your sister to see your mother it might be necessary. Really though, you probably already know what you're going to do.

I hope everything turns out as well as it possbily can given the situation.

Best Wishes

Nicole

You should definitely go see your mama. I lost my father to throat cancer two and a half years ago. I cherish my last conversation with him. Most people don't get to have that, and I am so grateful I did. I speak from my experience, and know it is a decision you have to make for yourself, but, please, make sure you are okay with whatever you decide to do. It is a very important decision that will you for the rest of your life.

I am so sorry you have to go through this. I am thinking about you and your family.:hug:

By the way, I just realized you are from Meridian. I am from Middleton. I think your avatar is a very beautiful drawing; you must love your mom a lot.

I'm so sorry for your pain right now :hug: I am sorry I don't know what to say, I wish I could help you feel better at this time. I can only imagine what a painful and frustrating time this is for you. I don't know what your relationship with your mother has been like, although it sounds trying... but even so, maybe seeing her one last time would help you as you work through your pain and provide the opportunity for some sense of closure or healing? (even if not until later). It might be so difficult to do, but sometimes not doing it may later lead to regret, which might lead you to feel more pain later on :(. But those are just my thoughts based on what I read here, and you need to do what is best for you :hug:

I wish you all the best and I send you much comfort :hug:

My prayers are with you. Go with your gut feeling. It will never lead you wrong. My biological father was never a part of my life but I've always known who he was and I know he knew about me. I started to go introduce myself to him many times but I kept putting it off. And then it was too late. I had a stepfather then an adopted father but it wasn't the same. I've made peace within myself with all of my fathers (and trust me, there was a lot to make peace about with all of them). You can too. I don't know if you need to see her one more time to do that....but you do. Deep inside ...you know. I'm sending you lots of love and support.

And your family. :hug: You are in my thoughts and prayers and i'm so glad you've come here to reach out for some support.

I'd say travel with your sister to see your Mom.

The binging is only a temporary fix and one you'll probably beat yourself up for later, which you know, but no matter what the quality of your choice in this matter try to have compassion for yourself. This must just be such a tremendously painful and difficult time.

Please try to hold in your heart and mind the knowledge that anyone who's read your post is holding you in their thoughts and prayers.:grouphug:

Take the best care of yourself you can during this time.

:hug::hug::flow2:

My heart goes out to you. I couldn't imagine the difficulty of this situation. It's so unfortunate.
It sounds like your mum doesn't even love herself. As hard as it would be maybe you should go with your sis. I would hate for you to regret it later on. You and your sis can support each other through this.
My thoughts are with you.

Angela :hug:

Sorry sweetie :( I agree with the girls, go with your gut feeling and go see your Mom. The eating for comfort issue is HARD, I still can't figure it out, but maybe you could go for a small walk, get out of the house entirely, take in some fresh air, go to the park and watch the kids play. But mostly don't be hard on yourself, give yourself time to grieve and to think.

Good luck sweetie :hug:

I'm so sorry for your pain! Instead of raiding the fridge, could you maybe write your mother a letter telling her how you feel? Or write down your feelings in a journal to help you sort them out. I don't know either whether you should go see your mother, but the answer will be clear. Just please know that if she had no intention of sharing her illness with you, you have no obligations to be with her, especially if she doesn't want you and your sister there. Some people find closure in making that one last trip, but not all. You know your situation better than anybody, so you have to think about it realistically and decide if it's the best thing for you. You can't cure her cancer or change her soul with a visit, so you need to take care of yourself and do what's best for you. You'll be in my prayers.:hug:

Jenny :o)

I am so so sorry for your loss on so many levels.

I lost my mom 13 years ago. you lost yours a long long time before that.

my advice, eating will not cure this, eating will not even make you feel better. don't give her or food that power.

oh and if you can do it... GO SEE HER. NOT FOR HER but for YOU.

make your peace. then let it go.

blessings to you darling.

I no longer have my mom and dad ~ you seem to have lost so much already ~ I think, without knowing the entire story, you should go with your sister to see her ~ you can spend some good time with your sister ~ as far as seeing your mother goes, seems like you really have nothing to lose...but you may have something to gain.

My prayers are with you ~ Gary

Sweetie, I really feel your pain!

Before my dad died, all he wanted before he went is to see all his kids together again. He knew he was dying for a long time, and since I was the only one of us kids here with him, dad did his best to prepare me for it.

But as for my siblings, only a few came to visit dad before he went, but there is one that didn't, and I CAN'T forgive her!

Please please go see your mama, it is so improtant to thank her for all she has givin you, and let her know that you forgive her for not being perfect.

I am shedding tears for you and my dad right now. And I will be keeping you and your family in my thoughts.

I would say, go with your sister to see your mother, for your sake, not hers. You will have no regrets if you do this no matter how she reacts. I am speaking from my own experience with my mother, now deceased.

This is just another viewpoint for you. I was estranged from my father years before he died. The thing is, people do not have to love their parents...just because they were your parents doesn't mean you have to love them (regardless of what anyone else says...that's the truth.) You happened to be born to them, but that wasn't by choice. Don't let anyone make you feel that you need to go see your mom, you really don't. To be honest, it may or may not help you feel better (if you're not feeling good about the situation with your mom). It would not have made me feel any better to have seen my dad before he died, I truely did not care about him. In my mind, I didn't really have a father. He did too many horrible things (mostly to others) for me to have any feelings of love or care about him. I didn't even feel like I had a father (and I was OK with that then and I still am to this day). I never regretted my decision to be estranged from him and when he died, I really didn't care all that much and was actually glad he was gone (he could no longer hurt other people). I know this sounds callous, but it's the truth. So if you really feel the need to go see her, just remember, it may or may not go well...you may feel better after seeing her, or to be honest, you could walk away feeling worse. So don't necessarily feel that going to see her would some how make things better for you (I'm sure you don't necessarily feel that way). (BTW, if she was asking to see you because she wanted to apologize (if she has done things to hurt you and others), then maybe you could consider it...but if she hasn't indicated that she wants to see you, I'd think very hard about whether you wanted to go see her). Just my 2 cents. Make the best decision for yourself. Good luck!

oh honey. how do things look this morning to you? losing parents is hard, even when we're not close to them - i still regret that i didn't make peace with my dad before he went.

instead of eating, sit quietly and think about the impact on YOU of going to see your mom - vs NOT going to see your mom. and make the best decision you can.

we're here for you, darlin. no amount of eating is going to make this go away, so take care of yourself, instead of beating yourself up about what you did or didn't do.

:hug: :grouphug: :hug:

Listen to what your heart says. :val1: Only you can make your decision to see mom and food wont help do it for you. I hope you find peace and closure.:hug:

So sorry for your pain dear. I hope whatever you do you get some relief from your pain. There is no right or wrong it's a choice you will make up to you. I do know from what I learned in life people can only give what they got. But for me I learned to forgive other's for there past mistakes as I want to be forgiven for mine .Sending you a big hug :)

Oh Ange, I'm sorry about your situation. Can't advise you on this one. I guess you need to do what ever will give you the least regrets. That sounded dumb, but "danged if you do and danged if you don't"! Be thinking about you.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

please see thread "Thank you all..."

It sounds beautiful Angela. I'm glad you went.

It sounds like your mother was depressed when she made the decision not to seek medical help for the lump. I don't know why you are estranged, but I'd sure go to see her one last time. You will end up regretting it. My dh died May 4 after being very very ill for several years. Turning to food would not have helped him at all so I kept myself healthy and cared for him. If I gave in to overeating, I'd be carrying around a load of guilt for that, too. Food is not for comfort it is to fuel your body. Do the right thing and go to your mother one last time. It would be the Christian thing to do if you are a church goer.

Maybe it depends on how sentimental you are. I was worried about having regrets after my Dad died only because so many people told me I would be sorry if I didn't do more to make things right. I don't have regrets. It is what it is. Making some final peace doesn't change the reality of all that went before. I don't see how one big talk can change everything that went before. Dad was a nice man, but he is gone and I have my life to live. So not everyone has regrets that people caution about.

I feel that going to see mom was the greatest thing I have ever done for myself...the one day of talking and forgiving and loving her, being able to serve her as she let go of her life, did change all the years of bad blood. I am sooooo glad I chose the harder route and went to say goodbye.

Closure is a great word to describe the experience...it's like I closed the door on a chapter in my life...one of petty arguements and immature behavior on both our parts...stripping it down to what is really important, love.

I will always be grateful that I went.

Angela