Have any of you encountered any spiteful people once you've lost weight? I've definitely seen my share. No one was spiteful to me about my looks back when I was "naturally thin" but once I "blew up" and then deflated, I've come across some VERY angry, mean, and jealous people. :(
What is going on in the lives of these girls that causes them to feel the need to make degrading remarks? I guess you never know what someone else is going through and behavior like this is usually bred through some type of insecurity. I hope those girls find a peace that makes interactions like this one (which they probably didn't even realize made such an impact) a thing of the past.
What is everyone's experiences with this and how do you handle it?
For me, it depends on my mood. I can be subdued, subtle, witty, catty, or downright mean depending on the situation. Lately, I just reply to negative comments with, "Hmm, jealous? :D"
07-22-2008, 04:06 PM
I think that happens a lot of times when folks try to do anything to better themselves. Plan and simple some people wish they could do what you did and or they wish they did what you did. Then you have those who are happy for you from the bottom of their heart. I deal with people like that by not dealing with them...LOL no time for negative energy its no good! Keep your head high......
07-22-2008, 04:26 PM
i haven't lost that much weight yet but my body shape has been changing and i've become a lot more muscular and toned, and at a bar recently i overheard a man and a woman debating loudly (sitting next to where i was standing) whether my arms were muscular or fat.
i'm guessing it started with the man commenting that i have muscular arms and the woman (i'm guessing his gf?) being spiteful and trying to convince him i was just fat. i took comfort in the fact that i could use my muscles to punch her face in if i wanted, then i took the high road and walked away :)
07-22-2008, 05:12 PM
I guess it goes both ways, really...You hate the look the lady attending the Dressing room at clothing outlets gives you every time you hand back your three items with the excuse that they don't fit...
Then...drop a few pounds and tone up...you get the same treatment, definitely not what one would expect after working so hard to achieve those results!
07-22-2008, 08:40 PM
People are too lazy to do smt for themselfs and they think that's ok if everyone is doing the same... When they see someone achieving their goals in whatever area... they feel angry and attack... but they feel angry about themselfs and threatened by you
07-22-2008, 09:01 PM
It always boils down to some type of insecurity or jealousy. Don't sweat it. I usually ignore it, and them.
And btw - your new pics look phenomenal!! :)
07-22-2008, 09:22 PM
There are a lot of angry people in the world, and it sure seems that often what they're angry about doesn't even make any sense.
You may have heard me say this before on another thread, but hubby and I found a great new hmong/thai restaurant in town (in part of northcentral wisconsin in which tex mex and chinese megabuffets are about as exotic as it gets). The owners (a really nice hmong couple) moved into a restaurant that had been a series of failed "family" restaurants (and had changed owners, but not the menu for many years). Well, the couple decorated their restaurant and a very prominant signage that indicated they were a thai restaurant, and they've faced alot of people ANGRY that they couldn't get cinammon rolls, or other things that had "always" been on the menu "before."
I mean, the owner says she's been screamed at and called names (we've witnessed some of the foolishness to a lesser degree - a couple of ladies annoyed that there weren't mushroom cheeseburgers on the menu).
I don't get it. What would make anyone think that they could get cinammon rolls and mushroom cheeseburgers in a thai restaurant. Not to mention the people telling the owner she is making the food "wrong" because the dishes aren't like the chinese dishes they've had of the same name. (Thai spring rolls, ginger chicken, and stir fries are not the same as chinese spring rolls, ginger chicken, and stir fries).
What can I say, some people are just plain idiots. And instead of realizing they don't know what's going on, they're mad at the rest of the world for not making sense.
It's funny when you think about it. Well, maybe not so much, but if I don't laugh about it, I end up getting mad about it, and I'm afraid of that leading me into the same idiocy.
07-22-2008, 09:34 PM
No matter what your circumstance - larger becoming smaller, smaller becoming larger, different in any way, staying the same forever - there will be spiteful, mean people.
The only part you can control is how much attention you pay - the best answer, of course, being none.
07-22-2008, 10:43 PM
Most people were really supportive until they found out that my mom had sent pictures in to a modeling agency, and they called me back because they wanted to meet with me. Then the jealousy EXPLODED. People can be so cruel sometimes, especially women and old friends. I try to keep my head up and take everything that people say with a grain of salt.
07-22-2008, 11:57 PM
Shane, we are all special and unique, but you are more special and unique than most.:lol: They are jealous. Period. Probably if they bothered to get to know you they'd get over it.
07-23-2008, 12:05 AM
In the words of my good friend, Charity:
"Hatas gotta hate."
If you look great and feel great, that's all that matters. :)
07-23-2008, 03:00 AM
definately what does it matter what anyonne else thinks or says....
if you doing the journey for yourself its only you you gotta please....
07-23-2008, 03:27 AM
Hateful things from people close to you, is the most painful. Not that it fixes or helps, but it's usually coming from their pain.
And from the other side, a quick stab of jealousy when someone close is succeeding where you are not, is normal. However, the kind and smart thing to do is keep those feelings to yourself and to talk yourself out of it, not dwell on it and let it fester into anger and hatred. So the people who can't keep those feelings to themselves, in the long run hurt themselves worse than they hurt anyone else. They lose friends and they don't make progress or have success in their own lives because they're too busy dwelling on and festering over the "unfairness" of other people's success.
07-23-2008, 05:04 AM
hmmm.... Haven't had a spiteful comment - perhaps being both male and older puts me out of that competition that breeds "spiteful."
However, frequently when I meet an overweight friend who sees that I've lost weight, I am met with "well, I need to lose these last 10 pounds, which I could do except that I really have to have a crumpet with my afternoon tea," or some other innocuous food item, which rather minimizes that they carry some 40 extra pounds more than is supported by a daily crumpet.
Interestingly enough, I never get such comments from my larger friends; perhaps they are more realistic, or perhaps don't feel the need to immediately justify themselves.
07-23-2008, 06:23 AM
You're absolutely right when you say this breeds from their own insecurities. Me? I show them compassion and send nice thoughts there way, because no matter what they think or say about me I'm me regardless of their disillusioned thoughts.
07-23-2008, 08:37 AM
What amazes me is how completely messed about about body issues women in their 40s+ still are. I've heard things like "you can't wear a smaller size than me" begin competitive dieting on their part, several people I barely know have told me they think I've lost enough weight and should stop now, and someone even asked a co-worker if I was okay because "you never know when someone loses weight"! I am clearly really healthy so that was just weird. It's been pretty disturbing because I'd like to think that by my age (and beyond) we've worked through some of that crap. I've stopped talking about weight, even when people ask, and just talk about fitness now. I did go through a period when I wanted to hide though, and it's hard to hide when everyone notices the way you look!
07-23-2008, 09:35 AM
07-23-2008, 10:01 AM
You are all so right that it stems from jealousy. Be flattered, as you ignore them, but be a little sorry for them as well. :yes:
07-23-2008, 10:43 AM
Lately, I just reply to negative comments with, "Hmm, jealous? :D"
I love this response! :)
Luckily I've met with mostly positive responses. There were a few who needed confirmation that my weight loss was "on purpose, not b/c I was ill." And a friend who cannot understand how I did it "so fast" while she has been watching for a while and has not seen a big change. I just politely told her she was stating at a much lower weight (ie. she's not overweight at all) and it makes sense her losses would be slower :cool:
Anyway, I've enjoyed reading your posts throughout my time with 3fc and wish you some patience and virtue dealing with the malevolence.
You look great and it sounds like you feel great. BEST REVENGE!!!
07-23-2008, 11:31 AM
I Learn To Not Take There Problems And Make Them Mine . You Can't Control Others Just Yourself. . :) I Just Let It Dry Up And Blow Away.
07-23-2008, 11:50 AM
I think what happens is that it reminds people that they too may have had goals they haven't met and it was easier when the people around them weren't doing it, either.
I haven't gotten anyone flat-out cruel to me yet, but I have had the small little things of "But you look fine now! If you lose anymore weight you'll be skinny"
Hello - I'm still 24 pounds away from just being "normal" weight.
The real problem comes when you're not sure who's genuinely concerned and who's trying to sabotage, and you can get a little bit defensive.
But as for flat-out nasty, these are the kind of people who would harp on anything.
You know how well you've down and how much you've achieved, and believe me - so do they.
07-23-2008, 12:43 PM
Jealousy is a hard emotion.
I wish I could be above it, but this thread reminds me about some situations where I am jealous of others and I think that vikkivma's point about others' success reminding people of their failed (or not-yet-achieved) dreams really hits home with me. I have been a little (or a lot!) bitterly jealous about someone that won a writing award that I tried to win, but did not win. I actually surprised myself about my feelings, and this thread brought that into clarity. I read a piece of the winning work last night, and you know what, she deserved to win. I know that my jealousy really stems from my inability to create something of that caliber---yet. ;) But once I idenitified those feelings, I also identified a plan of action---keep writing and write something better each time. The only one who can keep me from succeeding is myself.
I guess I'm writing a novel right now! But my point is that jealousy tells you a lot more about the person who is jealous than about you. That emotion is all about the person feeling it. Unfortunately, it can rear up and hurt your feelings. Someday those jealous people might be ready to work for abs like yours, Shane, and they may come to you for advice. I know you are big-hearted enough to help them if they do. :)
Thanks for an interesting and thought-provoking thread.
07-23-2008, 12:46 PM
I never had people jealous of me even when I was really really thin, I must have an ugly face. Seriously though, those people are idiots. I'd be far too embarressed to make a comment like the ones they make because that'd CONFIRM I was a complete bitter loser to everyone!
07-23-2008, 01:34 PM
I got my first taste of hater-ism about a week ago.
This woman at my job (who does not like me) offered me some food from a potluck. I politely declined and she says: "Oh you're on your diet thing, huh?" I say yes and then she says: "It doesn't look like you've lost weight, I can't really tell."
I just gave her a dirty look and kept it moving.
07-23-2008, 08:40 PM
Ugg, I get annoyed at people who are so jealous and make rude comments. I found that it's mainly women (well at least from what I've observed). Back in high school when I dropped a few pounds, my best friend at the time said, "What the ****! I'm supposed to be the hot one in our friendship." And it's not like she said it jokingly; she was serious and almost pissed off.
Thankfully, my current friends are the best and encourage me to get healthy.
P.S. Shane, you're hot and you know it :flame:. People tend to get jealous when they see someone hot, when they're just plain looking. :hug:
07-23-2008, 11:52 PM
Some people hate themselves so much or feel just like they are losers that the only possible way to feel anything positive about themselves is by tearing somebody else down or proving that at last they are 'better' at something than somebody else.
A really bad and nasty side effect of negative zero self love/esteem.
07-24-2008, 12:18 AM
I haven't had a whole lot of negative comments, most people have been really encouraging and nice. My supervisor at work, though, has been about the only person to make disparaging comments. For example, at one point when I had lost 41 pounds, one of my co-workers said, "she lost 41 pounds! Isn't that awesome?" and my supervisor said, "holy! If I lost 41 pounds, I'd be right skinny!" I guess she was saying that with 41 pounds gone, I was still a hippo! I generally ignore her, I know she is jealous, but if I'm in a spiteful mood, I will tell her how much I have gone now, or mention the new things I am able to do because of my new shape, just to rub it in!
My supervisor is the only one who has really made cracks, but I have heard that several of the other females don't like the thought that I will be smaller than them. I guess they're afraid I will be competition for the men or something.
07-24-2008, 12:42 AM
Emily you aren't ugly, don't say that about yourself. If people aren't acting negatively around you like this you probably have surrounded yourself with good, positive people.
A lot of people feel the only way they can feel better about themselves is by putting others down. It starts in grade school and unfortunately some never stop doing it...so it is no surprise to me that there are 40+ year olds doing it.
So ignore them or give them something to think about. Try not to take it personal because their comments are a reflection of THEM not YOU.
Side not: I'm not sure I'd ever use the jealous comment Shane but that is funny...and who knows, someday I may be in your position. I am moving back to the states someday and will unfortunately meet up with my sister again I'm sure. The same sister who was absolutely gleeful last time I saw her that I was 'fat like her' and has not commented once on my weight loss journal or via e-mail. My other sister has but not her. I am pretty certain when I see her again she's not going to be happy that I chose to do something about my weight. In my entire life I cannot think of a single time she was ever happy for me for something positive in my life.