100 lb. Club - How does your weight affect your love life?




Jess8
07-21-2008, 05:49 PM
I was wondering how your weight affects the intimacy in your relationship. I know for me personally, it's all but killed it.

Here's my story:
I was never "skinny" as a teenager, maybe a size 14 or so when I met my husband. As we got married and started our lives together, the pounds slowly crept on. When we hit our mid-twenties we were both heavy, so we decided to buy a treadmill. We both dedicated ourselves to getting fit. I lost 40 pounds over 4-5 months and my husband lost all the extra weight. Somewhere along the adventure, I quit, but he kept going. He was always an athlete in school, (the track star) so naturally he has that built inside. Now he is fit as a fiddle, works out almost every day, plays tons of sports. Meanwhile I have just gained the weight back plus another 40 pounds and I'm at my highest weight ever. (Although I'm going down now - Woohoo!).

My trouble though is that when we were both overweight together, I didn't have a problem with the intimacy. Now that he is in near-perfect shape and I'm at my worst, I can't even think about being intimate with him because I'm way too self-conscious.

Anyone else have similar issues?? :^:


oreokitty
07-21-2008, 06:09 PM
I identify with your feelings although I'm single right now. I don't even want to date because I can't imagine being intimate with anyone. I don't even wear shorts in public, forget sex. So I don't bother to even try to meet someone. And my sex drive is next to nothing. I think that maybe I'll give dating a shot when I lose weight even though "what's on the inside of someone is important...blah, blah". I feel that way for other people, but not for me.
My weight & food issues are more than just physical problems. I do see a counselor and belong to OA.
The good news is that I am eating healthy and losing wait. I'll just keep on the path as best as possible.
Amy :hug:

TJFitnessDiva
07-21-2008, 07:21 PM
My weight hasn't changed anything except a few positions we can't do ;)

I know where you are coming from though....my advice is to find ways to love yourself. If you do that you'll gain more confidence and THAT will effect your love life in a good way! Remember....the weight you were/are has nothing to do about why your husband married you.


kaplods
07-21-2008, 07:44 PM
My husband and I met at nearly our highest weight (during "dating," we both put on more than just a few as hubby was definitely the "wine and dine" type - and I did NOT object).

Our first intimate experience was a bit sad and pitiful, as we both were so self-conscious about what the OTHER would think about what our clothes were hiding (when it comes right down to it, at each of us over 350 lbs - NOT MUCH). We weren't as flexible as smaller folks, but we made up for it in creativity - until we both started having rather serious health problems and had to go onto disability. Now, the chances of both of us being in the mood and physically, emotionally, and mentally up to lovemaking, at the same time is pretty slim.

I can't wait until we get a little further along in the way of health improvements. Because it's only the physicality stopping us, at this point. We're far from self-conscious anymore, because we really do connect on such a "best friends" level, that I'm not worried at all that he doesn't find me sexually attractive, nor I think is he (though he's a little more insecure than I am - convinced that I deserve someone stronger, better....than he is).

There's a chance that his health issues will only get worse, even if he loses all of the weight he needs to. That's a bit depressing, and it does concern me that our sex lives may always be a bit less than we would like it to be. But I think we both feel really good that it isn't for lack of interest or self-consciousness. Neither of us feels that either of us losing interest, so everything still feels "newlyweddy" (we've been married 5 1/2 years).

djay
07-21-2008, 08:16 PM
Love life??????

Pandora123a
07-21-2008, 08:17 PM
I met my husband at my lowest adult weight ever...gained 50 pounds in the year we between meeting him and getting married, and another 50 pounds the next year. I've pretty much stayed within a 5 pound range of that top with a few, short periods of weight loss which I immediately regained.

I didn't feel terrific about my body (which included stretch marks and a big belly) at 149...so you can imagine that 252 or thereabouts didn't feel good at all!

My husband is about 25 pounds overweight, and has stayed pretty much in that range. He is now diabetic and needs to lose...but doesn't seem to do much in that direction.

The thing that keeps our sex life positive is him. He makes it so clear that he finds me sexy at any weight, strokes my body, jokes that I finally let him touch my belly, focusses on my pleasure and his enjoyment of my body. I don't quite believe it, but he makes it safe for me to expose myself both physically and emotionally to him.

The first year we were married he once made a nasty comment about my weight during a fight. I explained to him that weight was such a loaded topic for me that it needed to be offbounds for attack. He has NEVER made a negative comment again, no matter how angry he is.

Over and over I have seen that if you feel safe and confident you are sexy no matter the weight. Have you talked to your husband about his reaction to your body, it may be better than you think!

xraygirl
07-21-2008, 09:10 PM
I have a terrible time with intimacy. When my husband and I started dating, we both worked out all the time and weighed much less. We both have put on 40+ pounds over the last 7 years. He tells me all of the time that he thinks that I am beautiful. I still can't stomach him even touching me. After I got pregnant with my second child, we didn't have sex for a year and a half! I was just soooo uncomfortable with it. I used to not be that way at all. Maybe, when I get this weight off, things will start cooking again.

Smiling_Sara
07-21-2008, 09:33 PM
I do not and have never had a love life. It makes me feel awful too.

I've been kissed in HS twice. That was at least 10 years ago. Haven't been kissed since. The closest I've come to any kind of intamacy is with someone online, and that same person via telephone. I'm scared to death to tell guys that I have virtually no experience. At my age, I feel like guys would think something is wrong with me bc of it. It prob is a silly thing to think, but it sits there in the back of my mind. I think about having a relationship on a daily basis. I want it so badly, yet, I'm also scared of it. Scared of being hurt I guess. I also feel like how can I let anyone see my body, when I can't stand to look at it, surely no one else will want to. How do I get past this way of thinking?? I've signed up on online dating sites, and when someone mesg's me and tells me they find me attractive, while I'm grateful, a small part of me thinks "what does he see in me" I wish I didn't feel that way, I guess I just have low self esteem. It's strange, bc I don't see myself as ugly, but I perseive that guys think I am. Yes, I know, I messed up way to look at things, but I am working on it.

If anyone has any advice on that matter, please feel free to let me know, I'm always open for suggestions on bettering myself physically as well as mentally and emotionally.

:hug:

kaplods
07-21-2008, 09:54 PM
I hate to see people feel that sex (or even worse, romance) is only for the "pretty people." My view on sex and romance isn't all that different than my view on swimming. I've always been fat (since age 5) and I've always loved swimming. When I was little, I didn't know that it wasn't "ok" for fat people (at least fat adults) to swim. By the time I learned that I was "supposed" to be unwilling to be seen in a swimsuit, I loved the water too much to give up that pleasure. I didn't care if I was grossing out everyone in my path (and sometimes the walk to the water felt like a deathmarch, especially in my teens when I didn't want boys to notice me - but wanted boys to notice me, in that way that only a fat teen can understand).

But when I think of what I would have given up if I allowed my fears and insecurities to prevent me from having an amazing relationship with the water.... And then when I think how much more I would have lost had I allowed my fears and insecurities to prevent me from enjoying intimacy or the hope of intimacy in my dating and married life. Eeegh.

Maybe it's from having ALWAYS (except for a couple brief years in high school - with the use of prescription diet pills) been fat that I had to get over the idea of putting my life on hold until I lost the weight, because if I'd done so, I'd have had no life. Instead, my life has been as full as I was willing to make it. I've been shocked to find women at weights that most women would envy, putting their lives on hold because of perceived figure flaws. It makes me wonder whether I am even more of a freak than I know I am for always having had a decent self image, with very few (in the scheme of things) moments in which I felt unworthy of ANYTHING life had to offer.

Sure, I had fewer boyfriends than most thin girls, but I had more boyfriends than many thin and even beautiful girls (usually the ones that thought they were ugly, though). And my standards were always very high, so I had really great boyfriends, none were really jerks or idiots (well, except in the way that an ex always becomes a jerk or an idiot).

The only thing that I can really think to explain it is that sex and attraction is 98% between the ears and only 2% physical, unchangeable attraction - at least for me. I see so many people say that they never give someone a second glance if there's no physical attraction from the start. Then I think of nearly all of my boyfriends, and only one having had any from-the-start sex appeal (and he ended up the least overall sexy). Passion is something that doesn't "just happen," it's created. Or maybe that's just my experience because I've never been what is generally considered sexy, and neither have any of the men I've dated. Oh, none of them have been toads or trolls, just people that may easily get overlooked because they were so very "average" looking. And yet, I've had steamier relationships than many of my friends who were gorgeous and dating hunks. Maybe because they didn't have to work at "sexy," they never did. Where us average and very less than average folks sometimes can create some really extra steamy heat because we've put a little extra effort in.

I remember the first time I "danced naked" for my husband it was just a silly joke. We were getting dressed and I was just acting silly (in just my ankle socks and New Balance tennis shoes). That led to one of the most amazing encounters we've ever had (and a few others that it eventually inspired). Now, I know my husband's celebrity crush is not 400 lbs of nekkid jiggliness, it's curvy, but toned Drew Barrymore. So, I know that as I lose weight, I'm not going to lose my husband's interest, but I'm not sure how much sexier I can get. Oh, I'll be able to DO more, and my endurance and stamina will improve, but we won't be sexier people, we'll just get to have more choices in how and when we act on that sexiness.

I wish I could share that feeling with every woman who's self-conscious about a few pounds. I am sexy, I am smokin', I am beautiful (and smart and talented to boot). My husband agrees, and I think it's a reflection of of his fine tast in women. I wouldn't be satisfied with less.

Now, if I can feel that way, I don't know why someone half my size can't. Honestly, I do understand. Many people have been beaten down by life, society, and even family. I escaped that somehow, and I wish I could bottle it, because so many women (and men) could really use it.

halfbakedtulip
07-21-2008, 09:57 PM
Born to fly....
Your post broke my heart. Believe me men will not find you "weird" for your lack of experience...if anything that will be more of a turn on. While men do love women who "know what they are doing" so to speak...they all still have that "virgin" thing going on. To be able to be the first at things is something that nowadays is rare. Everyone starts so early sexually and has done and seen everything by the time they are 25. You also are not bringing all the baggage from previous partners with you...lucky lady!!!
It's hard in these times to have a healthy body image...especially if you are overweight. I find that when I have alot of things going on and cant watch tv etc my self image rises. All it takes is 10 mins of MTV or MuchMusic and it plummets...fast.

I know I am attractive, I have never had a hard time attracting a man. But usualy in my head this is tape I play " men will sleep with anything...they really arent that picky" and of course my favorite "they have no idea what my clothes are hiding".
Ive been married now for 3 years...only the last few months has my hubby really seen me naked,,,only at certain angles ofcourse lol.
I have alot of issues with body image mainly due to porn. If we get in a fight thats what he heads to. And not "normal porn" he doesnt do movies etc...he just likes pictures...u know scantily clad victoria secret types. He does it to p**s me off and what he cant seem to understand is that it doesnt make me mad it cuts life a knife. Then we make up and ofcourse when the time comes for sex it is horrendous for me...all I see and think of is them. I dont look like them..is he wishing I did? is he thinking about them? It kills me.
Anyway this is my novel for what its worth lol

bettyred
07-21-2008, 10:04 PM
Your hubby hasn't stuck around because he HAD to, he has stuck around because he wanted to :) I have crap luck with relationships because of all my mental hang ups, lol so I can't say it was ever my weight... I did however allow my weight to be used as a deterrant... I felt that if I was fat- I wouldn't have to worry about dealing with the things that I no longer wanted to deal with- such as sex/love/intimacy...

Kind of like pepper spray :) No! I'm fat- its off limits.. and it worked for a while, but I only got heavier and more and more unhappy... I can diet and lose all the weight I want but it wont change who I am. Confidence is HUGE, if you don't feel good about yourself you aren't going to be able to relax and enjoy yourself.

I've had the same guy around for ten years and no matter how much 'padding' i tried to put between us- or how much I tried to push him away, he's still around lol and I'm thankful for that, because I realize just how much of it was ME and not my weight.

And, seriously, if you were to ask your husband if he minded.. he'd tell you that he loves you no matter what. :)

PhotoChick
07-21-2008, 10:07 PM
I will tell you that one thing that is a huge turn on for most men is a woman who *likes* sex and who isn't freaked out or "grossed" out by all that is involved in sex.

I met my guy when I was at my heaviest weight and it never seemed to bother him. And this is a guy who is always cracking jokes about how so-and-so has a smokin' hot body ... but he's still with *me* and not the hottie who lives next door.

But one of the things that he and I have both discussed is that he loves that I love sex. He loves that I'm willing to try anything with him. He loves that I'm not turned off by the fact that *he* likes sex and that I'm willing to talk about it, to tease him, etc. And to accept the same from him.

Like kaplods says ... it's 90% in your head. It really is. Yes, men are more visual than women, but you show you're not just willing, but ENTHUSIASTIC and that makes up for a helluva lot of "jiggle" that you wish you didn't have. :)

.

bettyred
07-21-2008, 10:10 PM
halfbakedtulip- I couldn't help but comment on your porn thing LOL
I've had it explained like this... "I LOVE chicken, chicken is my fave thing to eat- could eat it every day and will eat it every day... but if the chicken is dry or cranky lol i like a little meat loaf LOL Doesn't change the way I feel about chicken!" I will NEVER forget that as long as I live LOL I have the weirdest friends LOL

Borntofly- it isn't about sexual experience.. it truly isnt......... it's about finding someone that excites you- men *most* will never change, they love teaching you as much as you'll love to learn LOL Find someone who cares for you and someone you can care for- and be proud of your experience- Screw the idea that their opinion of your sex life matters- Because it doesnt. I have no problem telling people how i feel about sex and what i've done, or not done- I own it because it's only a TINY part of who I am. :)

Not that i go around telling everyone LMAO that isn't what i meant LOL

TJFitnessDiva
07-21-2008, 10:12 PM
Born-Don't let life pass you by. A relationship is good to get into but it is not the only thing in the world. It seems like you are playing it safe by having only online romances....go out. Do not worry about what you think people are thinking because chances are they aren't ;) I'm a big advocate for positive thinking!

I have been with my husband since high school. He's seen me when I was thin and he's seen me at my highest weight. He's a former Marine and works out all of the time. Do I have doubts that he finds me attractive because I'm overweight? Nope. I haven't always been confident but from what I have learned from attending trainings for my business...Sexiness is not what you look like, it's an attitude!

Remember not all guys are jerks but you are going to have to kiss a few toads before you find "the one". Get yourself out there....not to find someone but to enjoy yourself. They'll come along when the time is right.

I really do recommend seeing a therapist....they can help you sort things through.

*hugs*

HarpoChicoGroucho
07-22-2008, 12:23 AM
My weight doesn't affect my romantic/sex life now, but it did before I lost 100 pounds. I had guys interested many times, but I would always reject them because I thought I wasn't worthy of having romance in my life. :( I regret it now, because I realized how much I was missing. I have have a full dating calander now that I sometimes can't keep up with, but I always think about the ones I pushed away. Its nice, but I still come home alone every night (or worse wake up alone).

Star2Be
07-22-2008, 03:28 AM
Wow. Speaking as one who may be perceived as a bit of a "young'n" around here (I'm 19... Well actually, 18--19 in exactly 2 weeks!), it is really encouraging to hear about this kind of thing from people who have been where I am right now. I really have never been in a relationship (physically or emotionally), and a lot of times I DO wonder if it has something to do with my weight. The boys at my age are fairly immature and always seem to go after the "hot" girls, not me.

It's not that I have low self-esteem--I love my blue eyes, my hair, and my boobs! And on top of that I'm also intelligent, funny, kind, AND I have a killer singing voice (oh, and I'm modest, too, hehe). But for some reason, none of the guys I've ever liked have been very interested in me. I'm always attracted to the "nerdy" types (I swoon for a man in glasses, hehe) but most of the guys I've been interested in are too busy lusting after girls who may be prettier, but would never give them the time of day. :rolleyes:

Just ONCE I'd like to be the kind of girl that guys notice! One that they'd actually go out of their way to introduce themselves to, and try to chat me up, etc. I don't think I've ever even been hit on... Yeesh. Maybe I'm just being selfish, because I know that I'm still young and I still have plenty of time to "catch up" with others my age, so to speak, but sometimes I just can't help but think about all the experiences I've already missed. I never got to have my first date, or first kiss, or first boyfriend. I worry that by the time I get to these milestones, I won't really be able to enjoy them, because instead I'll just be thinking about the embarrassment over the fact that I haven't already done those things. Sounds silly, I guess, but there's always that voice in the back of my head... :shrug:

It feels good to vent about all of this. I truly hope that I'm not coming across as too "young and foolish" to all of you. :o

kaplods
07-22-2008, 03:42 AM
Young, foolish? Not at all. It's all perfectly normal stuff, whether you go through it at 19 or 35. In this day and age, even at 19 there can be a stigma to not having "enough" experience (heck, I was already experiencing it when I was in highschool in the dark ages of the 80's).

Now, a girl's supposed to have experience, but not "too much" experience. And while the definition of each varies a bit from one area/time to another, it's still pretty normal to feel that way (no matter your size).

Marrying a nerdy guy with lots of nerdy guy friends, I asked about the what on earth the nerdy guys were all doing drooling over the "hot" girls out of their league in high school. I was told the "hot girls" were safe because they WERE out of their league. Rejection from a "hot girl" was a lot easier to take than rejection from a "regular" girl. They all said they would have dated a "regular" or even "ugly" girl (their words, not mine), but she would have had to make the first move (yeah, like us regular and ugly girls want to be rejected by a nerd).

That stupid fear of rejection keeps so many great people from meeting one another.

SnowboundChick
07-22-2008, 03:48 AM
I had no confidence going into this relationship, my previous boyfriend was cruel about my weight. My husband to put it frankly, is into fat girls. I was about 200lb when I met him. He's always made me fell sexy and we have an active intimate life, even with 3 kids.

Lyria
07-22-2008, 04:01 AM
Before my current boyfriend (who is a sweetie!) the guy I was dating was a total arse and the only person who ever made me feel bad about how I looked and I was actually almost at my skinniest when I was with him.

The irony!

I was only about 120 pounds and he'd tell me my bum was to big...I mean really! I was also recovering from borderline anorexia and slowly assuring myself that it was okay to be a healthy weight and then he'd go and tell me that only stick thin women were attractive (by that I mean that US ideal size zero thing - I'm an Aussie and I was a size 8 at that time which is a US 4). So needless to say I had absolutely no confidence - in bed or elsewhere with him!

So yeah...even when you are small there are guys out there who are just jerks.

chickybird
07-22-2008, 04:44 AM
I'd love to have the confidence to be intimate with the lights on. That would be cool.
Interesting sidenote for the younger chickies: I didn't have my first date or kiss until I was in college. I was actually super-skinny at the time--I was 6 feet tall and about 155 pounds. But I was extremely self-conscious about my height and my looks. I was convinced I was ugly and too tall for any guy to like. I wouldn't even put makeup on in front of other people because I was worried about them thinking, "Why does she even bother? Makeup won't help her."
To make a long story short, I got over myself. I love my height and I know now that I am a pretty woman (when I actually take the time to doll myself up, lol). My DH is about a 1/2 inch shorter than me and he loves it. He even told me that if my back wasn't so bad, he'd want me to wear high heels every day!
Some guys like short girls, some like tall ones, some like skinny gals, and some like the girls with actual meat on their bones.... You girls will find someone who worships the ground you walk on! Like the other wise posters here said, don't be afraid to live life, but DON'T settle for just any loser! You deserve better:)

xMeaganx
07-22-2008, 10:10 AM
Well ladies it seems like I am in the same boat. I'm 21 and have not let myself get close to any guys. I use to have loads of guy friends but cut that off once I hit high school. I have never had anyone interested in me so I haven't ever dated, which in this day is uncommon. I feel like a loser most of the time and it doesn't help with my mom constantly asking when I'm going to start dating. I just got back from 18 months in Europe, where I got hit on a lot of times! It made me happy to know that someone was intersted, but I didn't let anything become of it, because they were just guys I met in the bar. Now I'm in Maryland, an area where I have no friends or family, and I feel even worse about myself because I am not making any progress in meeting people...so once again no romantic life. I don't want to lose weight to get a boyfriend, but sometimes I think I have to.

Sandi
07-22-2008, 10:19 AM
Keep in mind that when I met my husband, I was 175. We have always had a very healthy sex life and even at my current weight, we still do. Yes, some things have changed, but it's still awesome and frequent!

KLK
07-22-2008, 11:54 AM
Good topic!

I never had a real boyfriend before my current fiance. I was heavy my whole life, had low self-esteem, and although I went out on a few dates before I met my fiance, it was nothing even vaguely serious, so when I met my fiance, I had *NO* experience at all (I was 20 years old). He had no problem with my lack of experience, but even after almost 4 years together, I'm still shy and insecure in that area of life -- I grew up feeling bad about myself and how I look and although that has gotten better with the weightloss, I'm still fat and even if I were thin, I wouldn't be a good looking girl (no "You have such a pretty face!" comments EVER came my way). I consider myself extremely un-pretty (weight problem aside).

Anyway, I was always someone guys overlooked, bc even if they could get past the weight, there was no beautiful girl waiting to emerge and to this day, I'm not very comfortable when I *DO* get attention from men. If I sense a guy is flirting with me, I usually DON'T flirt back; I just ignore it. It makes me feel uncomfortable, most of the time. I don't think I even know how to flirt, honestly (never really flexed those muscles). I have a friend who is far from a skinny, typically "hot" girl, but she has this amazing sexual allure that men go crazy for and I really envy her that, even though I excel at other areas of life.

Intellectually, I agree with Kaplods, however (I usually agree with Kaplods lol) -- sex and sexual attractiveness is mostly a mental thing. The problem, though, when you have a mental block in a certain area -- be it sex, body dysmorphia, an eating disorder, paranoia, depression, whatever -- it's hard to turn that around, even if you KNOW you should. I personally think it's great when ANYONE ia able to be positive about themselves, no matter what they look like, and it's especially great when overweight women, the most put down group of people in the country, imo, can feel great about themselves! I really, really applaud anyone here who has struggled with a weight problem but loves themselves and their bodies anyway.

GirlyGirlSebas
07-22-2008, 11:59 AM
I've had wonderful intimate times with my Hubby when I was 264 pounds and horrible intimate times with Hubby when I was 170 pounds. I believe the difference is with my mindset at the time. When I'm feeling sexy, everything is amazing. When I'm feeling frumpy and blah, well...everything is blah.:D
I've discovered that Hubby really responds to whatever energy I'm projecting....regardless of what weight I might be at the time.

KLK
07-22-2008, 12:21 PM
I just wanted to say, that I feel very much the way you do. I think I have some very strong points -- I'm smart, funny, accomplished, mature, and I'm very nice -- but I dunno... men have always *liked* me, but in the way they'd like another guy; not sexuallyl or romantically, but friendly. I'm convinced several men that I know *LIKED* me better than they *liked* their own girlfriends, but they see me as asexual, so it was like I were another dude.

I too would *KILL* to be the kind of woman that men find sexually attractive. Even though I'm getting married and I'd have to reject them all, I'd still like to be that girl, to have that kind of power and appeal.


It's not that I have low self-esteem--I love my blue eyes, my hair, and my boobs! And on top of that I'm also intelligent, funny, kind, AND I have a killer singing voice (oh, and I'm modest, too, hehe). But for some reason, none of the guys I've ever liked have been very interested in me. I'm always attracted to the "nerdy" types (I swoon for a man in glasses, hehe) but most of the guys I've been interested in are too busy lusting after girls who may be prettier, but would never give them the time of day. :rolleyes:

Just ONCE I'd like to be the kind of girl that guys notice! One that they'd actually go out of their way to introduce themselves to, and try to chat me up, etc. I don't think I've ever even been hit on... Yeesh.

Lyn2007
07-22-2008, 12:30 PM
I was a relatively thin (140 pound) teenager but I still never had guys interested in me much. I never was kissed until I was 18 years old. Never went on a date til 18. Was a virgin when I got married at 20. I say this to point out that it may not always be the *weight* that is the reason for our alone-ness. Of course I thought I was fat, so perhaps our self image affects others more than we think. We reject ourselves, so others do too. Or we perceive that they do when they aren't.

I had an okay intimate relationship with the first husband. At 140-168 pounds for most of the nine year marriage. The intimacy was nothing spectacular. It just *was* and I didn't care much about it. I was thin, he was thin and very fit, but I was not as interested as he was.

I gained a lot of weight, got divorced, and in my late 20s I was 227 pounds. My boyfriend LOVED my body. ALWAYS told me I was sexy, perfect, etc. Suddenly intimacy was so much better and fantastic. EVen though I was almost 90 pounds heavier.

Since then I of course gained even MORE weight... another 50+ pounds... and found that the weight did not affect the great love life with my second husband. He too told me I was perfect (at 278!) and he had never even had a fat girlfriend before! We had a great relationship, perfect intimacy.

As I have lost weight he has become despondent. He says he is not into skinny chicks. He brings a lot of junk food in the house. However he *says* he is glad I am getting healthy. At my current weight, the intimacy is literally non-existant. But there are other reasons for that, totally laid at his feet. My marriage is pretty much over (his choice). I find it ironic that my very best intimate relationships were when I was quite heavy. I hope from the depths of my soul that I find someone who will treasure me at my lower (but saggier) weight and love me forever, with a beautiful intimacy as well.

KLK
07-22-2008, 12:41 PM
I've been following your blog, and I think it's pretty great. But I'm so sorry to hear that your weightloss is actually having a negative affect on your marriage. Based on what I've read on your blog, losing weight was really something you needed to do for your health, and I'm so sorry he isn't supportive of that :hug:

But it is unusual that your best sexul relationships happened when you were overweight, rather than at normal weight.


I was a relatively thin (140 pound) teenager but I still never had guys interested in me much. I never was kissed until I was 18 years old. Never went on a date til 18. Was a virgin when I got married at 20. I say this to point out that it may not always be the *weight* that is the reason for our alone-ness. Of course I thought I was fat, so perhaps our self image affects others more than we think. We reject ourselves, so others do too. Or we perceive that they do when they aren't.

I had an okay intimate relationship with the first husband. At 140-168 pounds for most of the nine year marriage. The intimacy was nothing spectacular. It just *was* and I didn't care much about it. I was thin, he was thin and very fit, but I was not as interested as he was.

I gained a lot of weight, got divorced, and in my late 20s I was 227 pounds. My boyfriend LOVED my body. ALWAYS told me I was sexy, perfect, etc. Suddenly intimacy was so much better and fantastic. EVen though I was almost 90 pounds heavier.

Since then I of course gained even MORE weight... another 50+ pounds... and found that the weight did not affect the great love life with my second husband. He too told me I was perfect (at 278!) and he had never even had a fat girlfriend before! We had a great relationship, perfect intimacy.

As I have lost weight he has become despondent. He says he is not into skinny chicks. He brings a lot of junk food in the house. However he *says* he is glad I am getting healthy. At my current weight, the intimacy is literally non-existant. But there are other reasons for that, totally laid at his feet. My marriage is pretty much over (his choice). I find it ironic that my very best intimate relationships were when I was quite heavy. I hope from the depths of my soul that I find someone who will treasure me at my lower (but saggier) weight and love me forever, with a beautiful intimacy as well.

Lyn2007
07-22-2008, 12:46 PM
Thanks, KLK, glad you like my blog.

I am not 100% sure the weight is actually the cause of his withdrawal from the marriage. I think maybe he has been "not mine" for about a year but I was too blind to see/believe it. Maybe the weight loss was just the final nail in the coffin.

But I know I deserve better. I am a loyal, kind, loving person and need one for my partner. Someday he is going to regret what he is doing...

Matilda08
07-22-2008, 01:33 PM
I can understand where some of you guys are coming from. I honestly think I am very attractive with weight or without it because I actually like my curves but I feel I need to lose some weight. I attract more men now then when I was in my 160's for some reason they seem to think I am "thick" I think I am fat. When I look at my body I am not so to speak attracted to it. I see things I want to change. Which is why I am trying to lose weight.

It doesnt matter how big or small you are I am a person with old fashioned values and still think the that heart makes a person. If someone cant love you and except you then they arent for you to begin with. Of course we want to be attracted to our mates and vise versa but other things factor in with physical appearence. Love yourself. Know that you are worth it because no matter how big or small you are people from the outside sense things like that and there are some folks who will play on it.

I wish everyone the best of luck because everyone deserves someone to love that will love them back. Always remember beauty is skinn deep and everyone is beautiful in their own way!!!!!!!!

kaplods
07-22-2008, 01:47 PM
I sometimes come across as superconfident - and that is a part of me (one of the many alternative personalities that is ME), but I have my share of hang-ups.

I'm super outgoing, that much is true. No one would think me shy, and yet when I was single, my idea of flirting was so subtle, most guys didn't even know I was doing it. I thought I was really putting myself out there, and the guys I think just thought of it as my being nice or funny (while I thought that I was nearly embarassing myself).

I met my hubby through an online ad I placed, and I was pretty shy at first. In fact, we'd been "dating" a month (seeing each other every day) without so much as a kiss on the cheek, and I blurted out to my now husband one day, "so are we dating, or what?" I was just so frustrated, and we sat down and talked about "mixed messages" we were both sending for HOURS - and concluded that yes we very much were dating. After that, things progressed at a much more normal rate (or maybe not so much as we were engaged within three months).

I don't give my heart partially, so once I trusted him, I trusted him with everything and anything. I can be the absolute real me with him, no matter how weird, infeminine or just plain crazy. Anything I can do alone in my room with the shades drawn, I can do with him in the room - because he is the other half of me.

Would I have felt this way if I'd met him at 17 instead of 35? Only to a point. Once I trusted him, probably, it just would have taken me a lot longer to trust him.

How I came to LIKE me is another very convoluted story, and it included a couple years of "fat acceptance," and even one year in my late 20's as a card-carrying member of NAAFA (though I never went to any of the dances).

Nori71
07-22-2008, 03:03 PM
I was wondering how your weight affects the intimacy in your relationship. My weight doesn't. I'm all about lights-on-eyes-open (candlelight is nice!)! I wasn't always like that though. My DH has played a HUGE part in helping me be comfortable and communicating that I turn him on - my body, the way it is today, with all its so-called imperfections turns him on. The thing I notice the most about sex while losing the weight is that when I'm consistent with exercise I have much more endurance, flexibility, strength... :D

Charles78
07-22-2008, 10:42 PM
I saw this post and I hope it is OK for a guy to post on the topic. I was over weight for most of my life – I spent about 35 years obese and probably close to 30 years morbidly obese. This is something I have thought about a lot over the years. About 4 ½ years ago I came to the realization that I had to lose weight and get healthy or I would die and leave my then 6 year old daughter without a Dad. I had two failed marriages before I got married to a girl I had a huge crush on in High School.
How did weight affect my sex life? I think that the way more important question that each of us needs to ask is; how did the weight affect my life? For me being almost 600 pounds impacted every part of my life. I know the whole it is who we are inside that is important – and in a large part that is true. However, none of us should accept that we have to be overweight. We all have the power to change – it is just that we don’t realize that we have that power.

I could not love myself when I was over 350 pounds overweight. I sure could not love someone else in a healthy relationship. Now I am not saying that is true for everyone – just my own person experience. I don’t think any of us needs to put our life on “hold” until we reach some magic number on the scale. What I do think that we should do is to realize that we can all make progress and improve our physical fitness. Everything in life is better if you have a fit and healthy body. I never knew how much that was true until I got fit. I am no exercise “freak”. I don’t have a perfect body and really don’t think that women need to hold themselves up to some movie star standard. The only person you should try to look like is how you would like to look. What do you want to be able to do? Run, ride a bike for hours, swim, play, make love to someone you love with a passion that you can hardly imagine?
For me, I finally found out the true meaning of love and passion. It is not some superficial looks thing – it is about having a body that works as it was intended to work. It is about how you feel about yourself. There is a wide range of fitness and weight that are still healthy and that we can feel good about. Don’t do it for great sex, don’t do it for love, don’t do it for looks or some girl or boyfriend, do it for you. You are worth it.

I wish everyone the very best!

Star2Be
07-23-2008, 12:16 AM
I can't even say how great it is to see that some of you have felt the same way that I do... I guess I might have suspected, but it's always easier to go down the "no one understands me" route, heh. I do love myself, but I think a lot of what Charles78 is ringing true for me. To be honest, I don't love my body. I love my self, yes--I'm awfully stubborn (and the least punctual person you could ever meet), but I'd be hard-pressed to find any aspect of my personality that I don't fully embrace and love. But, I dunno, it's not enough. I want to love everything. Furthermore, I believe that I deserve to have someone else in my life who also loves everything about me... Yes, everything. Of course I agree that relationships should be mostly mental, but I don't think I could be in a relationship with someone who I didn't truly find attractive, so I can't ask for that from anyone else. When it comes down to it, I think looks DO matter.

I'm always paranoid about coming across as one of those people who has an attitude like "my life would be so much better if I lost weight," because of course I know that if I don't love myself now, I'm not going to love myself minus a few lbs. But honestly, I do love myself--and it's because I love myself so much that I want to treat myself to a healthy body and a happier outlook on life. And I know that losing weight will help do those things for me. :)

Kae
07-23-2008, 02:24 PM
This is an interesting topic. For me.. I haven't had a 'personal' life in about 7 years. When I had a huge weightloss after highschool, before gaining it back, I had a boyfriend. He always got mad when I ignored him when he complimented my looks. As far as the intimate stuff, I was always very shy and I remembering him asking once, "Why do you always cover yourself up?" It wasn't an accusatory thing.. it was like he was just sweetly clueless about it. :) Since then.. and my weight gain... I've really just been avoiding that sort of thing altogether.

FB
07-23-2008, 02:46 PM
You know, my weight has never effected my love life much. I only got heavier once I was married and had a baby, the hub has always been great about making me feel great.

He's a big guy, a bit overweight, and his weight does effect it indirectly.

He snores and I'm a VERY light sleeper. I think he snores because he's a bit heavy as he said he never snored when he was younger and lighter. I just can't sleep with all of that noise. A few years ago I started sleeping in a separate bed, which reduces 'chance encounters' at night.

He's started getting healthier this year though, and I'm hoping that the snoring eases up a bit in the process. I'm so proud of him for hopping on board!

Jess8
07-23-2008, 03:52 PM
Wow, this really turned into a popular thread! :carrot:

I'm thrilled to hear everyone's experiences with this, I guess I'm just waiting for someone to speak up that is in a similar situation as mine. I don't think that intimacy was as much of an "issue" when my husband was also overweight. But now he is literally like a personal trainer (thin, muscular, with stamina for days) and I've just gained weight. Even when I hug him, I feel like I'm smothering him because he is so small compared to me. Then I start getting upset because I'm hearing so many of you talk about how your husbands/boyfriends make you feel comfortable. I just think my husband has been so used to me pushing him away for so long...he doesn't know what to do anymore.

I'm starting to think it is more of an actual intimacy issue than a weight issue.

Agghhh! :?:

KLK
07-23-2008, 04:21 PM
I can KINDA relate. When I met my fiance, he had just arrived in Italy from Albania and he was TEENY and so skinny -- I mean, he was also musclar and in good shape, but he was super thin. I was about the same as i am now. When I first met him, I thought he was very handsome, but I felt tremendous next to him. On top of that, I had ZERO sexual experience, so I felt pretty uncomfortable at first.

(He's since gained some weight, btw, so while he's still lighter and thinner than me, he isn't so teeny anymore ;))

Do you and your husband workout together? ETA: I ask this bc while my weight was never an issue for my fiance, seeing me work out as hard and often as I do helped him appreciate how hard I work to take care of myself (or try to, at any rate) and he's impressed by my energy level and dedication (even if I get stuck on a zillion plateaus).


Wow, this really turned into a popular thread! :carrot:

I'm thrilled to hear everyone's experiences with this, I guess I'm just waiting for someone to speak up that is in a similar situation as mine. I don't think that intimacy was as much of an "issue" when my husband was also overweight. But now he is literally like a personal trainer (thin, muscular, with stamina for days) and I've just gained weight. Even when I hug him, I feel like I'm smothering him because he is so small compared to me. Then I start getting upset because I'm hearing so many of you talk about how your husbands/boyfriends make you feel comfortable. I just think my husband has been so used to me pushing him away for so long...he doesn't know what to do anymore.

I'm starting to think it is more of an actual intimacy issue than a weight issue.

Agghhh! :?:

Jess8
07-23-2008, 04:25 PM
Do you and your husband workout together?

What I consider working out would be like sleeping to my husband. He plays baseball on a semi-pro league, softball, basketball, soccer, football...and he's always the crazy one running around like the Energizer bunny. It's exhausting just watching him.

He's offered to go walking with me in the evenings after work, I'm just not comfortable exercising outdoors yet. :dizzy:

KLK
07-23-2008, 04:43 PM
I definitely understand feeling uncomfortable exercising outside but I would take him up on his offer to walk with you -- some of the best moments I spend with my fiance are when we're taking walks together :)


What I consider working out would be like sleeping to my husband. He plays baseball on a semi-pro league, softball, basketball, soccer, football...and he's always the crazy one running around like the Energizer bunny. It's exhausting just watching him.

He's offered to go walking with me in the evenings after work, I'm just not comfortable exercising outdoors yet. :dizzy:

PhotoChick
07-23-2008, 05:46 PM
He's offered to go walking with me in the evenings after work, I'm just not comfortable exercising outdoors yet.Take him up on this. Seriously. It's a start.

I will say this from my own personal experience: rejection will kill the desire eventually. If you've been rejected and rebuffed often enough, then eventually you decide it's not worth the effort to even try. At that point, any attempt on the part of the other partner to initiate often is met with an attitude of "why bother" ... because one time is just a tease.

One of the reasons my marriage failed is because my husband's issues caused him to reject sex. It wasn't about my looks or me ... it was about his issues that caused him to be uninterested, all of which we discussed in counseling. But no matter how much I know that intellectually, emotionally ... after a while ... I was done. I just couldn't deal with the constant rejection and I gave up.

It was the most difficult decision I ever had to make in my life, because I still loved him (and still do) very much. But I had lost all desire to be with him because I will never know if he truly desires me or is just providing me with "obligation sex".And I'm not willing to go the rest of my life wondering if I'll be rejected or not if I try.

FWIW.

.

Trazey34
07-23-2008, 06:25 PM
Maybe because I've always been heavy, I don't view intimacy and romantic stuff as reserved for the Victoria Secret models among us -- if someone loves you, they love you. And sex with you and all your wobbly bits beats NO SEX for them, right????

I was always the "best friend BIG GIRL" for guys, listening to their stories of their girlfriends, etc., or sometimes a guy would date me because he assumed that, as a big girl, I would be happy for ANY attention and would be an easy lay - NOT SO MUCH! So at the ripe old age of 25 (the oldest virgin ever, i felt) I met my future hubby. He & I hit if off right away, and one time over coffee, i took his hand and said "You know, you're such a great guy - I'm SO going to find the perfect girl for you" and AS IF HE SAID "What if YOU'RE the perfect girl for me?" I"M NOT EVEN KIDDING!!! LOL A year and a bit later, we were married and happily ever after - he makes me feel sexy so I go with it! I think not having children may help LOL I'd be exhausted otherwise!

I really think enthusiasm for the process will trump anything you don't want seen - wear some lingerie and keep it on if that makes you feel more comfy?

Nori71
07-23-2008, 06:42 PM
Jess - I say take him up on the offer to walk together in the evenings too!! Just spending that time together cannot hurt your relationship! You mentioned that he also has been overweight in the past, so I bet he understands more than you think. My DH is also very muscular, athletic and fit, but long before I knew him he was 70 pounds overweight. So he understands the journey it is to get healthy. So much of it is in our heads. Good luck!

kaplods
07-23-2008, 09:11 PM
My husband had intimacy issues with the woman who was his fiance before me. She was very overweight (though not as overweight as I) but had been much thinner when they met. They were living together and she was very self-consciouls about the weight she'd put on. There were a lot of other issues, as she was deaf and all of her deaf friends were pushing her to date someone from "her own community" meaning a deaf man.


My "enthusiasm" absolutelty thrilled my husband (and intimidated him a bit too, he said). He's dated women of varying sizes and levels of "baggage" (one woman, drop-dead-gorgeous but turns out had drug issues). I'm the biggest woman he's ever dated, but the most "together." (His words). I have more education than he does and was making more money when we met. It has been hard to convince him that he is "worthy" of me, and he is half-convinced I think that when I lose the weight I will leave him. I tell him that I was not "desperate" for male attention at my highest weight, and didn't "settle" for him in any way. He was exactly what I HAD always been looking for: smart, funny in a slightly and benignly twisted way, a little odd and nerdy, with mostly traditional values, honest and honorable. He is ALL of those things, and that he loves dorky sci fi and irish music BONUS!!

His insecurities were a problem for us for a while. Because by his thinking I was "too good" for him, made me resent the fact that he didn't "trust" me. I got him to see this, basically because he told me how wonderful it was for me to be so enthusiastic and open about intimacy. He said that women he's been with with insecurites regarding sex and intimacy made HIM feel that way. "She must think I'm a real jerk, if she thinks I'm so shallow as to find her repulsive because of a jiggly tummy."

I know that so much of this is almost hardwired into us. I think it's important for couples with problems to get counseling while the insecurities are small, because they only grow and build resentments. If you can't "overcome" your fear of intimacy, then being in an intimate relationship is going to be a problem. People are going to get hurt by rejection and by the unspoken accusation that "you don't love me enough to find me sexy" or WORSE "you must be crazy or a pervert of some kind to find me sexy."

Ookpik
07-24-2008, 12:54 AM
I haven't had much of a love life at all...I've always been big, and in high school, boys used to make me feel like I was the most repulsive thing on the planet! It was hard to lose those feelings as I got older...I didn't even try to attract men because I figured, what was the use? He wouldn't be interested. My weight held me back in that way, but it was just my own insecurity. I always saw big women with mates, and didn't think they were unworthy of love or attraction, just me. I did hook up every now and then, very rarely..but only if they made the first move.

Now, I am nearly 100 pounds less than before (I'm still not done!), and my love life is still non-existent! But I am more confident, and feel that if I put a bit of effort into it, then I could attract someone...I work two jobs and don't get to go out a lot, but I have noticed men are more flirty and make small talk with me more, and just say "hi" walking down the street. But I am more confident and feel it shows...I am a lot friendlier and flirtier myself! So right now there is no one, but don't think that it is due to my weight.

hotmomma
07-24-2008, 04:55 PM
My weight hasn't changed anything except a few positions we can't do ;)

Hahahaha, i was thinking the same thing. On the upside, losing weight seems to help with that.

hotmomma
07-24-2008, 05:18 PM
Does anyone feel resentment towards her partner for "making" her gain weight?

My bf was fat when I met him and I was about 35 pounds thinner than I am now. I thought "Well, he'll start eating healthy and exercising and lose weight."

Instead, he dragged me over to his side of the fat tug-of-war. OK, about the same time I met him I developed a lot of health problems etc that were probably more then cause of my weight gain than his ugly dietary habits, but his love of fatty foods didn't help.

So basically, by 7 years into our relationship I had gained about 80 pounds (have since lost 45, phew!).

He never tried to "make" me gain weight, but he loves to cook, loves to eat out, and likes females a bit chubby anyway.

I just had to stop eating like the bf. Even when he eats "healthy" he eats a TON of food. Anyway I sometimes think "If it weren't for HIM I'd never have gotten so damn fat to begin with!"

Anyone else feel that way?

KLK
07-24-2008, 05:27 PM
Kind of. I definitely got less strict with myself when my fiance came to the US. And he encourages me to veg out on the couch and cuddle instead of exercising... I love to cuddle, but lying around in each other's arms for hours at a time, though wonderful (:D), really doesn't burn too many calories...

I don't resent him for it though... he eats pretty healthily (he eats too much bread and pasta though), and I feel like it's *my* job to make sure I do what I have to do. He will workout with me sometimes, which is nice, but I can't wait for him to do it, you know?


Does anyone feel resentment towards her partner for "making" her gain weight?

My bf was fat when I met him and I was about 35 pounds thinner than I am now. I thought "Well, he'll start eating healthy and exercising and lose weight."

Instead, he dragged me over to his side of the fat tug-of-war. OK, about the same time I met him I developed a lot of health problems etc that were probably more then cause of my weight gain than his ugly dietary habits, but his love of fatty foods didn't help.

So basically, by 7 years into our relationship I had gained about 80 pounds (have since lost 45, phew!).

He never tried to "make" me gain weight, but he loves to cook, loves to eat out, and likes females a bit chubby anyway.

I just had to stop eating like the bf. Even when he eats "healthy" he eats a TON of food. Anyway I sometimes think "If it weren't for HIM I'd never have gotten so damn fat to begin with!"

Anyone else feel that way?

PaulaM
07-25-2008, 08:35 PM
This is such an interesting thread. I've been with my husband since I was 19 (married at 25), so 35 years now. I was in great shape until my late 30s I would say, and gained steadily since then. I truly must say it hasn't affected our sex life all that much. He is the same weight he always was. I'm sure he'd prefer me to be slim again since men are so visual, but we still have a good active sex life, daytime, lights on, etc. I do think a lot of it is how you feel about yourself. (although I do remember another poster who told me her husband didn't want to have sex with her since she gained weight, which made my heart hurt for her)

brokensymphony
08-04-2008, 08:29 PM
I think my weight is the main reason I don't HAVE a love life! When I was really young I did have a few boyfriends but they never lasted very long for various reasons, but when I started to gain weight my confidence disappeared and I shied away from all men. When I was growing up I had a really bad relationship with my father because of things he did to me, and that has had a negative effect on any potential relationships with men. I started putting on weight when my parents separated at the age of 10, and steadily grew bigger and bigger, and I think it was a defence mechanism, because I thought that if nobody liked me then they couldn't get close enough to hurt me. I secretly hate being single because I'm alone, and when all my friends have partners, I feel like the odd one out. But my insecurities won't let me open up to anybody so I pretend that I don't want a relationship and that I'm perfectly happy, so that people don't feel sorry for me. That way, it's my decision to be single, it's not because I'm not attractive or good enough for anybody to want to be with me, it's a conscious choice. In all honesty, I would never feel confident enough with anybody to be intimate with them at this weight, I'd constantly be worrying about what he thought of me, and whether he was regretting being with me, to enjoy anything. I've always thought that when I'm thin I'll be everything I wanted to be - confident, popular, attractive, and that there's a sexy, pretty girl trying to get out. I'm not naive enough to think that losing weight would solve all of my problems and that life will be perfect because I know that life never is perfect. Weight loss isn't a miracle cure-all, and isn't the answer to everything. But for me, I have to believe that I'll be happier when it's gone. I need to believe that when I'm thinner my life will change for the better. Because if nothing were to change, if everything in your life stayed exactly the same - you were just as happy, kept the same friends, the same job, your confidence didn't improve and you didn't generally feel better about yourself and your life, then apart from being a little healthier, what's the point of losing the weight and putting yourself through that exhausting [both physically and mentally] process, making a conscious decision to eat healthier and denying yourself things you used to enjoy, if you get nothing from it. I personally need to believe that when I'm thinner, I will meet the guy of my dreams because the alternative is the life I have now, and I don't want to be fat and single the rest of my life. I don't want to be alone anymore. I want to be loved, and to feel like I deserve to be loved.

BellaHTH
08-05-2008, 01:28 PM
I think my weight is the main reason I don't HAVE a love life! When I was really young I did have a few boyfriends but they never lasted very long for various reasons, but when I started to gain weight my confidence disappeared and I shied away from all men. When I was growing up I had a really bad relationship with my father because of things he did to me, and that has had a negative effect on any potential relationships with men. I started putting on weight when my parents separated at the age of 10, and steadily grew bigger and bigger, and I think it was a defence mechanism, because I thought that if nobody liked me then they couldn't get close enough to hurt me. I secretly hate being single because I'm alone, and when all my friends have partners, I feel like the odd one out. But my insecurities won't let me open up to anybody so I pretend that I don't want a relationship and that I'm perfectly happy, so that people don't feel sorry for me. That way, it's my decision to be single, it's not because I'm not attractive or good enough for anybody to want to be with me, it's a conscious choice. In all honesty, I would never feel confident enough with anybody to be intimate with them at this weight, I'd constantly be worrying about what he thought of me, and whether he was regretting being with me, to enjoy anything. I've always thought that when I'm thin I'll be everything I wanted to be - confident, popular, attractive, and that there's a sexy, pretty girl trying to get out. I'm not naive enough to think that losing weight would solve all of my problems and that life will be perfect because I know that life never is perfect. Weight loss isn't a miracle cure-all, and isn't the answer to everything. But for me, I have to believe that I'll be happier when it's gone. I need to believe that when I'm thinner my life will change for the better. Because if nothing were to change, if everything in your life stayed exactly the same - you were just as happy, kept the same friends, the same job, your confidence didn't improve and you didn't generally feel better about yourself and your life, then apart from being a little healthier, what's the point of losing the weight and putting yourself through that exhausting [both physically and mentally] process, making a conscious decision to eat healthier and denying yourself things you used to enjoy, if you get nothing from it. I personally need to believe that when I'm thinner, I will meet the guy of my dreams because the alternative is the life I have now, and I don't want to be fat and single the rest of my life. I don't want to be alone anymore. I want to be loved, and to feel like I deserve to be loved.

OMG, it's as if you pulled this directly from my brain. I never, ever have anyone ask me about a boyfriend or when I'll get married. I think it's a vibe I put out, make them think I don't want it before they ask, so I don't have to be put on the spot. For me, especially, I think the weight was just a defense mechanism for keeping people away. I have some major trust issues with people (from something that happened in high school), and if I didn't have people in my life, I didn't need to worry about them eff'ing me over. But now, I've decided that I don't want to live my life like this, but (and this is the part that really sucks) I still have this HUGE barrier to get over - 12 years of weight I want gone NOW (yeah, I know). I don't feel like this is who I really am, and how could someone like/love me now if they weren't getting to know the "real" me? Logically, I know this is just another excuse to avoid people. But I'm so embarrassed to have to be going through this (I was "happily numb" before), that I don't want to explain it to anyone else. Sometimes life just seems to... complicated.

BrandNewJen
08-05-2008, 03:48 PM
Does anyone feel resentment towards her partner for "making" her gain weight?... Instead, he dragged me over to his side of the fat tug-of-war... his ugly dietary habits, but his love of fatty foods didn't help. Anyone else feel that way?

Here here! I met my hubby at the age of 20, after I had spent a long summer working out to lose 35 pounds. I met him at my all-time low (as an adult) 215 lbs, in a size XL/size 14. He was a big guy... and we had MAJOR chemistry.

He is a food pusher--- he loves to eat and he loves company when he eats. If I'm craving something and I mention it, it's never a "Jen, you really shouldn't" it's a "can we get a dozen donuts instead of just 2?"

Then we got older, got married, got real jobs, worked a lot, and swwwwooosh the love life dropped dramatically. Coincidentally, he gained 25 pounds since we met, I gained 80 pounds, lost 25 for our wedding, and gained it back within 6 months to my all time high of 302.4.

When we met, the first few years we had sex like rabbits, several times a day, all the time... it was crazy. I'm talking, we went for a long nature hike and didn't make it home without getting crazy in the forest. It was NUTS. It was frequent and hot, but never totally "fulfilling" on my end, if you get my drift.

So it decreased... he says b/c he was more interested in spending more time and making me happy, rather than frequent and quick... I felt like as I gained weight, he lost interest... I don't BELIEVE it, but I felt it.

So I know the POTENTIAL we had for a crazy exciting love life and I know he still finds me insanely attractive... I can dance nekkid for him and feel like a big floppy gross idiot... but he's sitting there with a huge grin and is all "ready" for what comes next... so I know it works and I know he loves me and I know he finds me sexy. It's just BELIEVING it.

I know with age and with weight and with stress sex goes downhill... I'm trying to convince myself it's the endurance and effort of it, and not the desire.

Hope that makes sense. :)

brokensymphony
08-05-2008, 09:00 PM
OMG, it's as if you pulled this directly from my brain. I never, ever have anyone ask me about a boyfriend or when I'll get married. I think it's a vibe I put out, make them think I don't want it before they ask, so I don't have to be put on the spot. For me, especially, I think the weight was just a defense mechanism for keeping people away. I have some major trust issues with people (from something that happened in high school), and if I didn't have people in my life, I didn't need to worry about them eff'ing me over. But now, I've decided that I don't want to live my life like this, but (and this is the part that really sucks) I still have this HUGE barrier to get over - 12 years of weight I want gone NOW (yeah, I know). I don't feel like this is who I really am, and how could someone like/love me now if they weren't getting to know the "real" me? Logically, I know this is just another excuse to avoid people. But I'm so embarrassed to have to be going through this (I was "happily numb" before), that I don't want to explain it to anyone else. Sometimes life just seems to... complicated.

I know what you mean, about the trust thing. I think that for me, because of past experiences I don't trust men. In fact, I don't really trust people in general very easily either. It takes a lot for me to actually open up to someone, and I can count those people I do trust on one hand, which is kind of sad. Sometimes I wish I could trust people more, but then I know that that will most likely end up with me being hurt or disappointed and I'll end up alone, and turning to food to make it all better again. Also, I don't know if this is a common thing, but I know for me, even when [not IF] I lose the weight I want to, I'll still have all the insecurities the fat version of me has. Losing weight doesn't automatically make you any more open to letting people in, and that's something I'll have to deal with when the time comes. As sad as it is, I think I'll always be the misunderstood little fat girl in my head. She won't be leaving anytime soon!
I was also 'happily numb' for a really long time too! It's not that I didn't 'know' that I was fat, I mean it was pretty obvious to everybody, it's not exactly easy to hide!! But it was like I was disconnected from my body, and I didn't feel any difference in it, or notice the changes. For as long as I can remember I was always the fat chick. Always the one people turned to for advice etc, but nobody really paid much attention to. Because everyone accepted it, it was never an issue, and although I hated it there was never any motivation do do anything about it because nobody made it a problem. I guess you could say I got used to it. I think it just takes someone to make one specific comment, or catch a glance from a stranger etc, something really small , but enough to make you realise that this isn't the way you wanted your life to be, and decide to do something about it. I can tell you've found that motivation, and I hope you're successful! :) Good luck! xxx

Star2Be
08-06-2008, 01:25 PM
I've always thought that when I'm thin I'll be everything I wanted to be - confident, popular, attractive, and that there's a sexy, pretty girl trying to get out. I'm not naive enough to think that losing weight would solve all of my problems and that life will be perfect because I know that life never is perfect. Weight loss isn't a miracle cure-all, and isn't the answer to everything. But for me, I have to believe that I'll be happier when it's gone. I need to believe that when I'm thinner my life will change for the better. Because if nothing were to change, if everything in your life stayed exactly the same - you were just as happy, kept the same friends, the same job, your confidence didn't improve and you didn't generally feel better about yourself and your life, then apart from being a little healthier, what's the point of losing the weight and putting yourself through that exhausting [both physically and mentally] process, making a conscious decision to eat healthier and denying yourself things you used to enjoy, if you get nothing from it. I personally need to believe that when I'm thinner, I will meet the guy of my dreams because the alternative is the life I have now, and I don't want to be fat and single the rest of my life. I don't want to be alone anymore. I want to be loved, and to feel like I deserve to be loved.

I can relate so much to all of this. It always sounds so bad to say "I could have ______ if I just lost weight," because of course the natural question is, how is your weight preventing you from having it now? And yet, I always feel that way--a person's weight affects virtually every aspect of their lives in SOME way, and personally I think it's a little naive to pretend otherwise. Yes, plenty of men find overweight women attractive, but the majority do not. Therefore, losing weight will probably help me to meet more men. Or, yes, many overweight woman are successful, but many others get passed over for promotions, etc (or don't even get hired!) in favor of a thinner woman. I don't think it's unhealthy to recognize that ones weight loss will indeed have some positive effects on his or her life--as long as you understand that it won't change everything, and that in the end the it's up to you to make the big changes. Hope I'm making sense, heh.

Best of luck to you with your weight loss. Seems like you're doing pretty well already, so I hope you stick with it! :)

PhotoChick
08-06-2008, 02:22 PM
I don't want to be fat and single the rest of my life. I don't want to be alone anymore. I want to be loved, and to feel like I deserve to be loved.I can relate so much to all of this. It always sounds so bad to say "I could have ______ if I just lost weight," because of course the natural question is, how is your weight preventing you from having it now? And yet, I always feel that way--a person's weight affects virtually every aspect of their lives in SOME way, and personally I think it's a little naive to pretend otherwise. Yes, plenty of men find overweight women attractive, but the majority do not. Therefore, losing weight will probably help me to meet more men. Or, yes, many overweight woman are successful, but many others get passed over for promotions, etc (or don't even get hired!) in favor of a thinner woman. I don't think it's unhealthy to recognize that ones weight loss will indeed have some positive effects on his or her life--as long as you understand that it won't change everything, and that in the end the it's up to you to make the big changes. Hope I'm making sense, heh.

I have to kindly and respectfully disagree with this to a large degree.

If *you* don't feel like you're deserving of love when you weigh more, what makes you think you're going to feel worth being loved when you weigh less? And I *do* most sincerely mean that with respect and care.

I also don't belive that "the majority" of men prefer skinny women. Just as most women would ooh-and-ahh over some hardbodied actor, that doesn't mean that we require our spouses or boyfriends to look like that. Just because my guy tells me that he thinks Ashley Judd is super-hot, doesn't mean that he doesn't love me at the size I am.

I think that WE as women need to stop buying into this BS and start loving ourselves. We cannot expect to be loved by someone else until WE love ourselves. That doesn't mean you have to like your weight or buy into the idea that it's ok to be fat ... but until WE accept that we are valuable people regardless of our weight, how can we possibly expect other people to accept it?

.

Oldilocks
08-06-2008, 05:01 PM
Love life? :lol:

My husband and I just celebrated our 11th anniversary. The first two years we were like bunnies, and it was wonderful.

He's a great cook so we've both gained weight since then (his mantra: If you love it, feed it). I was overweight when we met, but I was walking a couple of miles every day so was quite fit. Now, we're a couple of couch potatoes and we haven't made love in years. We've never discussed that fact but (to me) it's like the 800-pound gorilla in the room.

I'm hoping to get us both on a better lifestyle regimen so we'll have the energy to "bring back the fire".

opimisticchick72
08-07-2008, 06:19 PM
The only weight that affects my love life lies between my ears...when I am unable to put all the self doubt aside problems come into play. The times that I allow myself to listen and actually hear the compliments telling me I am beautiful, sexy, delicious, etc..I am so hot I glow, lol. Personally it is me that affects my love life not my weight.

amy

Star2Be
08-07-2008, 06:36 PM
I have to kindly and respectfully disagree with this to a large degree.

If *you* don't feel like you're deserving of love when you weigh more, what makes you think you're going to feel worth being loved when you weigh less? And I *do* most sincerely mean that with respect and care.

I also don't belive that "the majority" of men prefer skinny women. Just as most women would ooh-and-ahh over some hardbodied actor, that doesn't mean that we require our spouses or boyfriends to look like that. Just because my guy tells me that he thinks Ashley Judd is super-hot, doesn't mean that he doesn't love me at the size I am.

I think that WE as women need to stop buying into this BS and start loving ourselves. We cannot expect to be loved by someone else until WE love ourselves. That doesn't mean you have to like your weight or buy into the idea that it's ok to be fat ... but until WE accept that we are valuable people regardless of our weight, how can we possibly expect other people to accept it?

.

Perhaps I should (also kindly and respectfully :)) clarify a few things...

I do 100% believe I am deserving of love! I don't know where you seemed to have gotten the impression that I don't. Personally, my primary reason for wanting to lose weight is so I can be healthy (as it should be for everyone IMO), BUT I do believe that losing weight could help others to notice me in a more positive way. It's not at all that I don't think I should be loved until I'm thinner, but as many people make judgments based on appearance (myself included), I don't feel that it's fair to condemn a man for not liking me because I'm overweight. It's similar to not liking freckles, or brown hair, or whatever. However, I do sincerely believe that there's a greater proportion of men who find fat unattractive than there are men who might dislike some of those other physical characteristics, and their aversion is much stronger.

Therefore, it seems very logical to me that I will get more attention from men after I lose weight. Not because I'll be a better person, but because they may perceive me to be. Yes, I know that this is a warped view of "goodness," but it's not entirely unfounded--many people have reported that they got more attention from the opposite sex after losing weight, so I know I'm not delusional in that sense. Yes, I do believe that I am a valuable person, regardless of my weight, and I did make sure to say that "[weight loss] won't change everything, and that in the end the it's up to you to make the big changes"--what I meant is essentially what you said, that if you don't love yourself before you lose weight, you probably won't love yourself after, either. Sorry if that wasn't clear in the way that I worded it, but I certainly do have healthy self-esteem/confidence, so I'm looking forward to more men being able to recognize how great I am when I lose weight. Not to say that there aren't plenty of other things a man could dislike about me (hehe), but if they my weight keeps me from getting a chance in the first place, they'll never even be able to find out about all of my other annoying characteristics. Again, not saying that I approve of people being judged by their looks, but I just want to be realistic--especially since I, too, judge people by their appearances, so I don't think it would be fair for me to criticize others for doing the same thing. Hope that makes sense.

Ps. If you truly do disagree that men don't prefer slender women, I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree. Certainly most men don't mind a few curves/would probably prefer a slightly curvier woman over a skeleton, but I'm talking about a woman (such as myself) who is unhealthily overweight. There's a definite distinction between curvy and FAT. I know it, and so do men. ;)

PhotoChick
08-07-2008, 09:16 PM
I don't know where you seemed to have gotten the impression that I don't.

I don't think I ever said you did. If you notice I also quoted the person above you who said: I don't want to be fat and single the rest of my life. I don't want to be alone anymore. I want to be loved, and to feel like I deserve to be loved.

Which is, to some degree what I was talking about with my comments about how we need to feel deserving of love, no matter what size we are.

.

brokensymphony
08-07-2008, 10:01 PM
If *you* don't feel like you're deserving of love when you weigh more, what makes you think you're going to feel worth being loved when you weigh less?
I think that WE as women need to stop buying into this BS and start loving ourselves. We cannot expect to be loved by someone else until WE love ourselves. That doesn't mean you have to like your weight or buy into the idea that it's ok to be fat ... but until WE accept that we are valuable people regardless of our weight, how can we possibly expect other people to accept it?


I do appreciate and agree wholeheartedly with what you're saying. It's true that everybody deserves to be loved, and maybe what I was trying to say didn't come out right. When you spend pretty much your entire childhood being told that you're not good enough and that nobody will ever want you and nothing you do will ever be enough, it's hard to not end up ultimately believing it. Even now I've 'grown up' and know better, that voice is still in my head, and in today's appearance obsessed society, the idea that thin = success + happiness only reinforces that insecurity.

What I meant in my original post was that as I am, I don't love me. I hate waking up every morning in this body that doesn't feel like my own. And it's *because* I don't love myself the way I am that I don't really expect anybody else to. Until I'm happy with my body and myself in general, I don't expect other people to feel that way about me, and would find it hard to believe if they actually did. I'm cynical like that!



I do believe that losing weight could help others to notice me in a more positive way.

Therefore, it seems very logical to me that I will get more attention from men after I lose weight. Not because I'll be a better person, but because they may perceive me to be.

I'm looking forward to more men being able to recognize how great I am when I lose weight. Not to say that there aren't plenty of other things a man could dislike about me (hehe), but if my weight keeps me from getting a chance in the first place, they'll never even be able to find out about all of my other annoying characteristics.


Exactly! Before the *L* word is ever even close to being mentioned, there has to be an inital attraction. People, not just men, do judge first and foremost on appearance. If you don't like the look of a person, or the way they dress or talk etc, then you're not likely to approach them or want to get to know them in that way.

I've always felt that my weight is something to effectively hide behind. If I liked somebody but they didn't like me, in my head it was always *because I'm fat* It had nothing to do with me, or my personality or that I had faults. It was a way of convincing myself that I'm a good person, they just couldn't see through the physical layer.

I do have really good days, when I am truly confident and believe that people are attracted to me, and I love those days! But then I look in a mirror and see just how far I still have to go and it's discouraging. I do deep down believe that I as much as anyone deserve to be loved [I think deserve's the wrong word though], but I think from time to time you just need to be reassured/reminded of it! :)

I hope that made sense!

xxxx

TJFitnessDiva
08-08-2008, 07:39 AM
Wow.......it's not your weight that puts them off, it's the way you carry yourself. It's not "trying" to be confident either, just enjoy keeping yourself company and it'll do wonders. If you think that weight is the deciding factor for an initial attraction for a guy then you really don't think that guys have a brain other than the one that is in between their legs ;) Granted some guys are shallow but if you are encountering those a lot then it's time to change your surroundings.

You have to be truly happy with yourself first before anything will happen. It will show in the way you carry yourself! Check out my screen name! I say these things because this is what I do for a living! lol A great relationship with yourself will about out live any relationship you can have with a partner.

And don't go on the defensive after reading this. It's not directed at anyone in general. After reading everything in this thread I just had to say something.

Star2Be
08-08-2008, 04:23 PM
I don't think I ever said you did. If you notice I also quoted the person above you who said: I don't want to be fat and single the rest of my life. I don't want to be alone anymore. I want to be loved, and to feel like I deserve to be loved.

Which is, to some degree what I was talking about with my comments about how we need to feel deserving of love, no matter what size we are.

Ahhh, okay, I see now that you weren't addressing me when you said that. I'm shocked; I thought it was always all about ME! Hehe, just kidding. :dizzy: But I completely agree with you... Everyone deserves to be loved.

Ps. RomanceDiva, you are so right. I wish I could change my surroundings. From my understanding, the average man has a much better appreciation for the female form than most 19-year-old college boys. Hopefully when I'm a little older I won't feel like all men are so superficial. :chin:

kaplods
08-08-2008, 05:06 PM
When I worked in law enforcement and social service, I would see some of the ugliest, meanest people (some of them even much fatter than I was at the time, and having a lot less going for them in their twisted, messed up lives) having no problem finding love, and I wondered why I couldn't find a date. Of course, I realized I wasn't looking and didn't want to look where they were looking (the sleaziest bars at closing time), and if I'd been honest with myself it was because I wasn't looking at all (Hoping a prince will come by and sweep me off my feet didn't count).

I see it in my shy (but thin and beautiful) sister. She sends out "I don't want you to even talk to me," vibes, and guys don't. And she constantly complains that no one asks her out.

I am VERY happy that I found my husband when we were both at close to our highest weights (dating added a few more pounds). We're both very fat in our wedding pictures (probably my highest weight, and pretty close for him), and no matter how slim we get, those photos will always be proudly displayed.

I was always afraid to date guys that preferred fat women, because I feared that if I lost weight they might leave. I also was concerned (though in a more academic way, since I was overweight at the time) that if I lost the weight, I might find someone, only to lose them if I weren't able to keep the weight off.

I finally realized that I needed to find someone who could handle either situation. Finding a needle in a haystack would be easier I thought - so I placed an ad in a local newspaper's single column and a photo on the corresponding website. The ad was intelligent and funny and stated my physical stats (even my weight) and the fact that I was dieting and looking for someone in the same situation or sympathetic too it, who wasn't stuck on having a woman of a particular size. Even at almost 350 lbs, I got dozens of replies. Now, some of them were not what I was looking for, in fact most of them weren't what I was looking for. I'd just about concluded that there was no hope of my finding the right guy, to the point I didn't answer my now hubby's voicemail response to my ad. After several weeks, I thought "what the heck" and called him, because his message had been so sweet ("if we don't hit it off, we might still enjoy hanging out as friends" - or something like that).

The secret to finding love, especially the healthy kind, is being happy with yourself first. If you're afraid to be alone, it's going to be harder to find a healthy relationship, than if you enjoy your own company enough that you'd rather be alone that with someone who doesn't enhance your life. I told my husband that I had lived singly for so long, and enjoyed it so much, that I thought being married was going to be like the peace corps (the hardest job you'll ever love). I expected marriage to be a lot more difficult than singlehood (and it has been), and expected to fall in and out of love with him many times over the course of our marriage (in over five years, I already have), but I don't think it would have been any easier had one or both of us been slim.

I think losing weight to enhance your life, isn't a bad goal (hubby and I both have that goal), but losing weight to "get" a life, rarely works out as expected. I think because the fantasy is that thinness will miraculously bring about self-esteem, confidence and sociability - a complete personality
overhaul, and it rarely works that way (except on Extreme Makeover).

I look at how and why I gained weight and couldn't lose it in my life, and it's mostly because I didn't make it a high enough priority - I was too busy living my life - friends, family, education, career, hobbies... and maybe that's why I don't regret much of it (except in how it impacted upon my health). Had I been putting my life on hold for the day that I was thin, maybe I'd regret more of it. Instead, a life is always like juggling - there are only so many balls you can keep in the air - and my weight was one of the balls I let drop. In hindsight, I should have kept that ball in play and sacrificed something else, probably my career (because it's what I had to give up anyway, when my health started to deteriorate). But, all in all, I've always liked myself, had great self-confidence, and been a very social person. I just never thought my weight was the most important thing about me (for good or bad).

I'm not saying that the secret to finding love is purely in attitude, but attitude can end the race before you're out of the starting gate.

Sharkysmachine
08-13-2008, 01:33 AM
To answer the original question: "How does your weight affect your love life?"

It doesn't. *giggles*.

opimisticchick72
08-13-2008, 02:25 AM
To answer the original question: "How does your weight affect your love life?"

It doesn't. *giggles*.

OMG how I love this answer, lmao..fantastic!

amy

JustSharing83
08-13-2008, 04:38 AM
Well it affects mine! We are comfortable with our sex life, even happy, but there are adjustments made because of weight. We have been together 3.5 years and I know he doesn't have a problem with my body and loves every bit of me, but I do not love myself. I turn the lights off for sex... I didn't in the beginning, and I was so paranoid that I didn't really let myself enjoy the experience. There are probably some position limitations, but I don't really care much about that. There are also particular parts of my body I don't want touched (stomach, sides, upper arms) and I sometimes leave a shirt on to avoid it.

I also find that when I'm off plan I don't physically good and lose a lot of my sex drive. When doing well on the diet, I feel better about myself and am a lot more into the idea.

-edit- Oh, and before him, I didn't really want a man to ever touch me... I was fine with dying a virgin. He's different though and makes me feel comfortable and wanted.

kaplods
08-13-2008, 12:30 PM
Caution explicit TMI ahead:

The first time hubby and I "got naked," it was a VERY awkward experience. We BOTH were terrified that the other wasn't going to like what we saw (as if either of us thought our clothes hid all THAT much).

But we got over that quicky enough. Maybe I would feel differently if hubby were model thin himself, but I don't think so, in that I wouldn't be with a guy I didn't feel completely free to be completely uninhibited with. My husband allows me to embrace my "inner hottie," because we really are utter soulmates, and he is able to see the outer and inner hottie. One of his nicknames for me is "hottie-wife."

We're both really fat, and have pain and health issues - they've had a much bigger impact on our sex life than the fat itself. Two meds I take one to help me sleep and another for pain are serotonin boosters take a good deal of the oomph out of sex for me, as both can make orgasm impossible, delayed, or diminished. So, we have to time encounters as far away from pill time as possible or skip a pill and hope that pain doesn't fizzle sex as much as the medication. There really isn't a position in which we're both comfortable (somebody's going numb, somewhere), so sex is more often a "turn-taking" than a simultaneous thing (though I understand that the simultaneous bit, is pretty unlikely for "normal" couples too). And we've had to learn to become creative when it comes to sex (I've already subjected you to far too much TMI, so I'll save you the gory details on that one).

When I was dating hubby, I have to admit that I was terrified. I wasn't even sure two people as fat as us COULD have sex (and belly to belly, we couldn't - uh things wouldn't connect). I didn't have a lot of experience except high school and college fumblings (when I was MUCH smaller), so while I'd "read" alot, I didn't "know alot" from experience.

I even bought some "manuals" and "fat porn" to read and see for myself what might work. Although most fat porn is fat girl and thin guy, it did give me a reasonable expectation that we could in fact get the bits to meet as needed.

Big Big Love, by Hanne Blank was a wonderful "how to" and pep talk book (out of print now, and whle avalaible on amazon.com, not for under $100).

The idea that sex and even worse, love is only for beautiful, young and ablebodied people puts limits on human beings that do not have to be. We can overcome our socialization and internal messages. But it takes trust, of ourselves and of the other person. I feel very sad for people who don't have that, because they're making their lives unneccessarily small. And the biggest injustice of obesity is that it can make a life smaller. Bad enough when it's physically caused, but so much worse when it's self-imposed.

Opening up my life has been so vital to getting the weight OFF. I no longer avoid normal activities and exercise, especialy "in public," because I deserve to be able to go for a walk, go swimming, have a normal sex life... just as much as anyone else. And the smaller my life is, the harder it is to stay away from using food as solace and laying in bed all day alone and depressed.

Mommysince21505
08-13-2008, 03:53 PM
Well I have to say that intimacy isn't just about having sex in your relationship. My husband and I don't have sex as often as we use to, but I think that is due to us gaining weight and losing stamina. However, we still cuddle and sit next to each other and talk. I think you should talk to your husband about how you are feeling he may be wondering why your intimacy has changed!

Lyn2007
08-13-2008, 04:18 PM
Kaplods I just want to say thank you for putting all that out there. I really appreciate it. I thought I had my soulmate, and perfect lover for that matter, but as he is likely going to leave me shortly, I find great hope in the way you handled finding the right person and the blessed life you have now. Thanks.

MindiV
08-13-2008, 04:38 PM
I'm the opposite of so many on here....I was totally comfortable with myself and the husband and I had a great sex life. BEFORE I dropped 70+ pounds.

Then, I knew what looked good and what didn't, how to play up what did and hide what didn't. I knew my body, and what I've got now just feels foreign. My underarms are saggy, my belly and inner thighs are too...and don't even get me started on my saggy, wrinkly "old lady" boobs!

It's like losing weight has killed my sex drive, because I don't want my husband to see or touch my body because I'm so afraid he'll feel something he doesn't like anymore.

I think I need therapy...

kaplods
08-13-2008, 06:23 PM
Lyn, I'm glad to hear something I said helped, and sorry to hear that you're going through this. I hope it doesn't destroy your ability to trust.

My husband, when we met, had a very hard time trusting me (if he hadn't gotten over it fairly quickly, I probably could not have been with him). His previous fiance (who had children he became very attached to) broke off their relationship suddenly, unexpectantly, and while he was in Wisconsin visiting his hospitalized great grandmother.

In some ways, my hubby doesn't understand the kind of trust I put in him (nor do his friends - he is the envy of the guys on "boys' nights" because they all have wives who aren't nearly as trusting as I am). But I tell my husband, my trusting him isn't even about him that much. I know that human beings do make mistakes (sometimes really stupid, stupid, stupid mistakes), but if I worried about what he was doing, I'd be hurt whether or not he was ever doing anything wrong. If he every would betray me, at least I'll only be hurt then, not the thousands of times before that that I worried about it.

It's kind of crazy, really. But, what's a little craziness in the scheme of living life to the fullest.

For me, that's what finally weight loss is about this time. Always before it was a deprivation - something I was willing to give up, in order to get more later on. Delayed gratification - but maybe I'm ultimately too selfish and hedonistic or just impulsive to deal with delayed gratification - eventually I give in. Heck, half the time I can't wait for Christmas to give gifts to people I love. The gift burns a whole in my pocket, like even cash can't - and I end up giving the gift on a "just because" occasion and then have to come up with something else for Christmas (I figure it's kind of rude to say in August - "here's your Christmas present).

To lose weight, I have to see it as a way I'm pampering myself NOW. Or make it that way, by making it a game or a competition (which is why a support group like TOPS is such a help for me - I only have to wait a week to get the "pay-off."

modcat44
08-15-2008, 12:19 AM
I didn't really have a problem with my sex life with DH--we've been together 22 years and I've yo-yo'd several times in that span. BUT, I definitely DO feel hornier when I feel better about myself, to the point where my sex drive is a lot higher than his! This could be a problem in the opposite way--he looks at me now that I'm losing again, and wonders what monster has been unleashed in our house, and where is his wife who used to be here? hehe.

I'm sure that will level off a bit--just for now I do feel the sexy hormones are a bit stronger every week.

He is either secretly pleased or secretly horrified--I'm not sure which.....

kaplods
08-15-2008, 01:25 AM
He is either secretly pleased or secretly horrified--I'm not sure which

LOL, this reminds me of when I was on Meridia. I've always had a higher sex drive than my husband, but when I ws taking the diet drug Meridia, my sex drive skyrocketed (any drug that affects neurotransmitters can do that).

I mean, it was ridiculous. Sexual daydreams were keeping me from concentrating at work, and at home - hubby was not so secretly horrified. He begged me to stop taking it, because the mood swings and aggressive sex drive made me "scary" he said.

I still find it funny, because it wasn't like I got out the leather or anything, I was just a LOT more affectionate than he could handle. Poor baby.

Crazy Cat Chick
08-15-2008, 01:32 AM
I've called my fiance a chubby chaser because he doesn't seem deterred at all. He just keeps saying I look beautiful and whatnot. I realize that I'm the only one with the problem with my weight when it comes to my love life. It doesn't seem to turn other people away either. I think its about the energy you put out for other people. I guess I'm energetic and fun and people see that before they see the weight.

modcat44
08-16-2008, 02:13 PM
I agree--your attitude really impacts how others see you, much more than your weight. We sometimes forget that. It is too bad that so often when we don't feel like we look good, though, we get depressed and project a negative attitude and a lack of energy, and it works against us.

What I mean is, I know overweight people that have NO problems attracting the opposite sex, and I know healthy weight people who do--and mostly because of the attitudes they are projecting, the personality they show to the world.

modcat44
08-16-2008, 02:19 PM
kaplods: I had to laugh--I can sooo identify with you. Even though I am not on Meridia, my hub doesn't know how to handle me lately. I am a bit over the top obsessed with sex and it feels good, to me, but I'm sure it will level off again. I have lost 20 lbs since April, 35 lbs. since last October, and I feel more energy, and darn it, sexier! I'm even just starting to wear a couple of dresses and skirts again. And sleeveless things (just starting to.)

I just feel more confident, I guess. He is admirably being supportive, hehe.

carinna
08-16-2008, 02:26 PM
It definately affects it. When I'm feeling bloated and overweight, I feel unattractive and that finds its way into the bedroom. Now that I've been making progress in my weight loss I feel more confident and therefore being intimate is much more enjoyable for me.

txsqlchick
08-16-2008, 02:50 PM
Don't have one.

luvja
09-06-2008, 06:51 PM
I lived in Jamaica for a while and my weight never ever made me feel uncomfortable about dating, as most of the men down there, love a woman with meat on their bones.
Back in Canada though I'm too self concious to date at this point. When I lose some weight I'll start looking :p

Rosinante
09-08-2008, 07:03 AM
I don't have a love life. I'm too fat to feel comfortable and on the twice in my life when I've radically lost weight and felt 'normal' and 'comfortable', the sudden attention from the opposite sex has panicked me into gaining weight again. one screwed up puppy, me. :o

Gale02
09-08-2008, 10:39 PM
you show you're not just willing, but ENTHUSIASTIC and that makes up for a helluva lot of "jiggle" that you wish you didn't have. :)

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I haven't read all of the posts in this thread, but I wanted to say AMEN, SISTER!! ;) I'd say it probably makes up for ALL of the jiggle your (and my) jello may have!

DH once told me that the sex got better as I lost weight not because I looked different, but because I was CONFIDENT and ENTHUSIASTIC about sex. I can honestly say that the sex we are having now, after 6 years of marriage and with me nearly 7 months pregnant is the best it's ever been. And, being pregnant, I'm definitely not at my lowest weight ever. I wouldn't trade our sex life now to have my newlywed weight back, not in a million years. It's not necessarily about size, it's about willingness, enthusiasm, desire.

Men, just like women, want to be wanted. Your DH has seen you naked, it's not a shock to him. In fact, I'd bet lots of very good money that he WANTS to see you naked. A lot. ;) It may take some practice and some talking yourself into it, but show him that you want him. I've never once had DH say "no" when I'm trying to get into his pants. LOL.

To get a little more personal, I'd say do it even if you don't "feel" like it at first. I find that even if I'm not in the mood, it never stays that way. Women take time to "heat up" - so to speak. Give it that time. And, at least for me, the more sex we have the more I want. If we let it go for a week or two (our longest ever) it's pretty easy for me to not think about it. But, when we're having sex regularly I want it all the more.

Oh, I should also probably add that DH is on a federal S.W.A.T. team and thus required to keep a very high level of physical fitness... he's in fantastic shape. Personally, it doesn't intimidate me, it just makes things all that much more fun! heehee...

PhotoChick
09-08-2008, 10:48 PM
DH is on a federal S.W.A.T. team and thus required to keep a very high level of physical fitness... he's in fantastic shape.


*giggle*

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