General chatter - angry and hurt




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Pixiesue
07-16-2008, 01:52 PM
:(:mad: now I don't know what to do. My husband is an alcoholic addict. He just spent eight months in rehab and begged me to let him come back, promising that if he messed up again he'd move out. Well he's messed up and he's out somewhere looking for his drugs and I am in tears because it didn't work out. I know he will come back here full of sorry's and promises. I don't want to live this way, I want a man I can trust. I am so hurt and angry right now, nothing to do but wait till he comes home and then wait while he sleeps it off and can speak coherently to me. If he fails a drug test again from his probation officer he will go to prison for five years, he's not due to see his PO till aug 5. I would like to just sit back and let nature take its course but Its so hard because I do love him and want to help him but i knnow i can't


ddc
07-16-2008, 01:58 PM
I'm so sorry that you're going through this. You need to take care of you.
It is hard when you love an addict. There is no real easy answer, but you've got to find peace for yourself.
Look at the Al-anon website and see if you can find some help.

I wish you the best.

luckymommy
07-16-2008, 02:08 PM
<<<Hugs>>>> to you....my heart ached for you as I read your post. I'm so sorry you have to deal with something so painful. Sometimes, addicts have to hit bottom (as you probably know) and maybe failing his test and going to prison will get him there. Either way, the man that you love is not the one you see before you...he has been taken over by the addiction. Hopefully, one day he will return, but as for you...you have a right to live a good life. You have a right to have a husband who you can trust. Just because he *says* he's sorry, doesn't mean you should feel guilt because you are not the one who caused this to begin with. You've already sacrificed so much of your life for this addiction and it's easier said than done, but there isn't much other choice. Again, my heart goes out to you and I hope you can find the strength to allow yourself to live again.


marbleflys
07-16-2008, 02:17 PM
You have every right to be angry....he's the one who should be thankful you took him back, but he can't see that. he's truly the selfish one, he can't put his feelings for you above his addictions?

I hope you take care of yourself and put your needs first. you deserve to be happy and concentrate on taking care of yourself, not wondering when he is going to sober up so you can have a conversation.

I'm guessing you feel like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders now....i hope you can get some support from family/friends. i wish you the best.

KristasMom
07-16-2008, 02:19 PM
I hope you have friends, family or Alanon to support you in this. Being both codependent and an alcoholic on my own, I can say that other people's using was always a lot harder on me than my own. And remember, that whatever happens now, it's not your fault, and you are not responsible for any of it.
How sick and tired of this are you?
Have you considered just packing his clothes, putting them out front, and getting the locks changed? You gave him his second (probably more like thousandth) chance. I'm not saying you should, I'm just reminding you that you have options here.

Sue

murphmitch
07-16-2008, 02:21 PM
Prayers for you! :hug:

Smiling_Sara
07-16-2008, 02:28 PM
:(:mad: now I don't know what to do. My husband is an alcoholic addict. He just spent eight months in rehab and begged me to let him come back, promising that if he messed up again he'd move out. Well he's messed up and he's out somewhere looking for his drugs and I am in tears because it didn't work out. I know he will come back here full of sorry's and promises. I don't want to live this way, I want a man I can trust. I am so hurt and angry right now, nothing to do but wait till he comes home and then wait while he sleeps it off and can speak coherently to me. If he fails a drug test again from his probation officer he will go to prison for five years, he's not due to see his PO till aug 5. I would like to just sit back and let nature take its course but Its so hard because I do love him and want to help him but i knnow i can't



I'm so sorry, I wish you and your family the best of luck. :hug:

Michelle125
07-16-2008, 02:29 PM
I am so sorry this is happening to you. I used to date an alcoholic, and the only person who can change them is, well, them. I chose to leave him, and it was one of the best decisions I ever made. I know some people who still talk to him, and he hasn't changed one bit. I can't imagine how it would be if I never broke up with him. I am such a better person now, and I live for me, and surround myself only with people who shine, like I do.

That's what you deserve, and he doesn't deserve you. I know you love him, but you need to love yourself more. *hugs*

JuliaDH
07-16-2008, 02:35 PM
I will be praying for you and hubby!

MalibuBeachBound
07-16-2008, 02:47 PM
I can't pretend to know what you are going through and of course my thoughts, hopes and prayers that everything will turn out for the best are with you as well.

I'm sure you love him, but alcoholics and drug addicts always say they are sorry... and yes, they probably do mean it. Unfortunately as you have found out time and time again, the love and physiological need for drugs may surpass the love and physiological need he has for you :(

Getting out of even an abusive relationship (which this is...even though it may not be physical) is very difficult and only you know what is right for you. You deserve to be loved. You deserve to have someone to grow old with and most of all, you deserve to be happy. Time will heal your pain if you decide to leave, but of course that will be an EXTREMELY difficult move.

I can't imagine a life where a husband is sucking all the goals, dreams and happiness out over addiction, but it happens all too frequently.

Good luck and God Bless. :hug:

KLK
07-16-2008, 03:17 PM
:hug:

Oh my goodness I'm so so sorry to hear about all of this. I have absolutely nothing to say, except that my heart goes out to you and that you HAVE to do what you feel is right for YOU. You're absolutely right to say 'enough is enough' if thats how you feel. I understand your impluse to keep taking care of him too, and that you feel guilty wanting him gone, but you shouldn't feel guilty -- having "a man you can trust" is your RIGHT.

Pixiesue
07-16-2008, 04:05 PM
thanks everyone, I'm just so shaky and messed up right now. I did go and see my daughter and played with the grdkds and that made me happy, but as soon as I came back home It just hit me again and I'm in tears again and my stomach is in knots again, I just don't know how to break the cycle. I suppose I could try alanon again. Any one have any comments about alanon?

Franycan
07-16-2008, 04:11 PM
I feel your pain. I was married to an alcoholic for 13 years and finally said enough is enough and left him. You wish every day that you can help him and do nothing but hurt yourself because when he fails you feel like you have failed. I loved my husband with all my heart but when I saw that he was not the same person I married due to the horrible effects of alcohol and it was ruining my children. It has been 3 years and I wake every morning thank ful I am not with him anymore because even with 3 rehab attempts he is still drinking and hasnt changed. He has to do it for himself and when he is ready. Unfotuneately he will harm whatever and whoever is in his way and the best thing you can do is better yourself. Im giving you a thumbs up because I think you are at the end of your rope and you only have one way to go and that is up !!!!! Pick yourself up figure out how to get away and do it !!!

Pixiesue
07-16-2008, 04:13 PM
Why am I so afraid to be alone??????

tommy
07-16-2008, 04:40 PM
Alanon has been a life altering force in helping me let go of the alcoholic in my life. We have been stuck in a bitter divorce for 2-1/2 years, and I was losing myself. The women in Alanon are an incredible loving and wise resource. Some are happy today with their qualifier in recovery, others had to let him or her go, but the bottom line that I hear over and over again is that they found themselves and they found a loving community.

Pixiesue
07-16-2008, 06:08 PM
Thank you, I have to do something. I still haven't heard from him ,but I am planning to attend an alanon meeting tonight

marbleflys
07-16-2008, 06:12 PM
that's the best thing you can do....you'll have support and it will strengthen you, you shouldn't be by yourself at this time.

CountingDown
07-16-2008, 06:41 PM
:hug: and prayers for you! I'm sure the support group will be helpful! Hang in there! You can get through this!

SunshineCA
07-16-2008, 10:57 PM
Alcoholism and/or drug abuse is something that is very hard to deal with. May everything work out for the best!! :hug:

danemom
07-17-2008, 03:52 AM
My first husband was an alcoholic and a drug addict. When it got into full swing I packed up our son and left. It took 8 years for him to bottom out. I stayed single for 5 years after our divorce, mostly because I was not ready to try and find a "good" man. Well he found me, and by then I was wildly independent and gun shy, that was 11 years ago. My ex has been sober for 6 years and is now building a relationship with his son. He confided in me that it broke his heart that our son chose to spend fathers day with us, not him. But he knows that he is not daddy, my DH is.

He apologized for what he did to me, but also confided that while it the throes of his addiction he didn't give a rats behind about us, just the booze/drugs. So please realize you need to be selfish and worry about you. He's a big boy and made his choice. And remember the line from Some Kind of Wonderful, "I'd rather be alone for the right reasons, then with someone for the wrong ones"
:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug: Be strong and take care of you.

Pixiesue
07-17-2008, 09:05 AM
Thank you all! Your comments and support are all helping me tremendously. I did attend my meeting and felt better for it. He came home as I knew he would full of apologies, I let him stay but he knows its not a solid thing

ddc
07-17-2008, 10:25 AM
I wish you the best, whatever you decide.

Go back to those meetings when you need help.

Take care of yourself :hug:

djay
07-17-2008, 10:53 AM
No...you can't help him by taking him back. I went through exactly what you describe. His only chance is if you completely reject him and he looses a good woman forever. It will hurt but you will loose him one way or the other anyway.

He still may not turn around. But as long as he knows that you will enable him...I can guarantee that he will continue to go back to his addiction. If he is not in treatment and staying there his chances are slim at best.

Now what happens if you don't cut ties? Again...from someone that has been there...I ended up feeling helpless, and hopeless. I actually believed that this was all I deserved since I kept going back. I felt week in all areas of my life because I was week with him. When He finally got so drugged and liquered up that he drove his motorcycle off the road at 70 mph and died, I was the one who ended up feeling responsible because I couldn't love him enough to make him stop. Niether can you. If he has not been clean, in treatment, holding down a job and building a life with sober friends for at least a year, he has no business dragging you into his sick world. And you are playing with fire if you go. Who his friends are will tell you a lot!

Am I saying this to scare you? Yes! It's hard and not a happy story. You need to hear it. Is that what you want for your life? He will not stay sober for you. He has to do it for himself or it is a waste of everyone's time. Close the door and harden your heart to him.

I am sorry you have to go through this. You are strong to have made it this far and you deserve better! Believe that!!!

D

Pixiesue
07-17-2008, 08:54 PM
thank you djay, I understand exactly what you are saying. I don't believe he will stay sober but this time I have a clear plan of action for when he goes, furthermore he knows it so he can't say he doesn't. I am working hard on distancing myself, is that the word? No, its detaching myself from him and his problem so I can concentrate on me and heal myself