30-Somethings - husband is clueless

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07-15-2008, 03:26 PM
ok, I've been really good in working out every day and eating fairly healthy, occassional dark chocolate, and this morning i wake up and my husband brought home a large box of junk food. they have choc. doughnuts , gold fish crackers, soft choc. chip cookies, a large bag of chips and a few other goodies. i think he is sabotaging all my hard work. are there other people in your lives that try to sabotage your progress?

07-15-2008, 03:29 PM
I'd wager that him being a man, which leads to cluelessness is the issue, not him trying to sabotage your progress ;)

Men just don't get it. Something we daughters and wives have to deal with.

07-15-2008, 03:37 PM
That is exactly why my husband is not allowed to go to the grocery store with me anymore. They don't get it. And what is funny about the whole thing is some of them could shed a few pounds as well.

07-15-2008, 03:41 PM
that's the thing. he complains about needing to lose weight, yet he brings home this junk and says it's for the kids. i don't want it in the house because i will eat it. i have no will power, if i did i wouldn't be fat

07-15-2008, 03:43 PM
oh no, i'll wager he GETS it. I will also wager that on a subconscious level it was deliberate.

he's afraid of your weight loss. most husbands are. mine was afraid if i got thin i'd leave him.

07-15-2008, 03:45 PM
It seems that though many men would like to lose weight, the priority isn't as strong as for an overweight woman. Men aren't expected to be as thin as women and men it seems are generally happier about their appearance overall.

I can tell you for one that my husband brings home junk food the few times he goes to the grocery store, yet he pushes me to lose weight and says he wants to lose too. Men aren't generally as vindictive as women in mind.

I only know that from having a brother and many male friends.

07-15-2008, 03:53 PM
LOL! Omg my fiance is the same way. He complains about the weight he's put on, but then he will wake up and have like 16 oz. of chocolate milk for breakfast followed by 16 oz of orange juice. Luckily he's not a snacker, so he doesn't bring home cookies and such, but still -- he complains and complains ab wanting to lose weight and then consumes this kind of stuff.

I don't think your husband is trying to sabotage you -- he's just, you know, clueless. No matter how many times I tell my fiance I'm off pasta and bread, guess what he offers me... PASTA AND BREAD! It's cluelessness.

that's the thing. he complains about needing to lose weight, yet he brings home this junk and says it's for the kids. i don't want it in the house because i will eat it. i have no will power, if i did i wouldn't be fat

07-15-2008, 03:54 PM
I have to say my DBF has been 100% supportive of my weightloss from day 1. In fact, he's recently lost 35 lbs himself and I couldn't be prouder:D

07-15-2008, 04:00 PM
Yup -- my fiance has gained liek 15 - 20 lbs since coming to the US. He's far from FAT, but he'd like to lose that weight. But at the same time, he isn't willing to WORK to get the weight off, and he's pretty pleased with how he looks -- after he eats a lot and his stomach is all inflated with food, he jokes about how big it looks, etc.

The weird thing is that for him, actually, women are kind of supposed to be HEAVIER than men. To him, men need to be physically fit, but if a woman is overweight or chubby, it's fine. Granted, he wasn't raised in the US so that's probably why he thinks that way, but I think it's interesting and actually, if you look back at art and photography (and p*rnography) from the early 20th and late 19th centuries, that's kind of how it was -- a thin/fit/slender man and a curvy woman, not the other way around. The fact that women naturally have more fat deposits than men and the fact that men build muscle and lose fat faster than women kind of reaffirms this idea, imo.

Edit: Granted, both men and women should strive to be physically fit for their bodies and physiology, I was just saying that the idea of "skinny wife, fat husband" is pretty new and that that idea is NOT universal. And I happen to think a lot of women push themselves into unnatural thinness.

It seems that though many men would like to lose weight, the priority isn't as strong as for an overweight woman. Men aren't expected to be as thin as women and men it seems are generally happier about their appearance overall.

07-15-2008, 04:22 PM
My DH used to be like that - all I had to do was say "gee, I should lose some weight" and the next day he'd bring home pizza for dinner *so I wouldn't have to cook*. And he'd say things like "you can eat these cookies. All you have to do is go on the treadmill" Grrrrrr. Of course, I'd eat the cookies then he'd want me to "watch this good movie" with him so the treadmill gathered dust.

I'm not exactly sure what finally clicked for him. I like to joke that it dawned on him that if I didn't get my health in check he'd be left without me someday and never, ever find his wallet, glasses, cell phone, or keys again :lol: but it might have been the day he pulled out our wedding pictures (after many years in a box) and blurted out "What the **** happened" (my wedding dress was a size 8 - a 17 years ago size 8 - I had a 24" waist). He took one look at my face and tried to cover it up by saying he meant he used to have hair and it wasn't grey but....... I think that look on my face must have finally driven home for him how much it hurt me to be fat.

Since then, he's been the perfect cheerleader and is even starting to read labels when we go to the grocery store. Now he says things like "look honey, no HFCs. Can you eat this" :D Think I might keep him.

07-15-2008, 04:34 PM
I'm more inclined to think he's clueless! :lol: My DH brings home stuff from the store that shouldn't be in the house. He's a great cheerleader to me, and he needs to lose a good 50 lbs. also, but I think he just doesn't think sometimes! :lol: That's why I go grocery shopping...by myself...on a Sunday night, usually.

07-15-2008, 04:53 PM
I have found out that I have some will power, my fiance puts me to the test (not on purpose of course). Granted he is very supportive and by no means does he intentionally sabotage my diet. On occasion he'll have some junk food since he is not on a diet. When he does eat all the forbidden stuff like : ice cream, cookies, etc. It does take a lot out of me to stay away from it since I have a sweet tooth. However, if I manage to stay away, there are some instances where I just must have a taste, and that's all I allow myself. Eating right is a life style that you just have to adapt to. We will all have to be around food that we will have to have in moderation. Whether its at work,home, eating out, we will always have to be on the lookout if we want to keep the weight off.

07-15-2008, 05:09 PM
My guess is that he isn't trying to sabotage your diet, but he is (probably subconsciously) buying the junk "for the kids" so that he can eat it. I've caught myself doing that at times. I've even caught myself serving my daughter extra large portions of ice cream so that there would be some leftover for me (now the dog gets it). For snacks, I only buy the individually packaged snack servings and I keep those off plan items on a special shelf and I've not had any problem recently.

07-16-2008, 10:32 PM
Sounds like sabotage for sure!!

My DH tried to sabotage me many times. I was able to ignore him but fell into his trap for a few weeks. He tried to deny it but there were many signs to prove what he was trying to do. Fortunately, I woke up after a week-long family reunion in Louisiana.

I am happy to say that I'm back on track and back on the road of successful weight loss. I decided that he or no one else is going to deter me from my goals. As far as I know he hasn't tried anything since but believe me, I'm always watchful.

Good luck as you embark on your weight loss journey. :)

07-25-2008, 08:58 AM
Hmm. hard to say. Some husbands are really uncomfortable with their wives losing weight simply because they have their own self issues.
Other husbands just don't think, period.
Some think, but just don't know anything about what their thinking about.

For example: when my husband I first got together, I was following Weight watchers, for the umpteenth time. He couldn't get his head around the points thing. He would come home with things like Big M lite--(chocolate milk similar to Quik for the non-Aussies here.)
Now, his intentions were good--because it was "lite" he thought he was doing a grand thing bringing me a treat. But he just couldn't understand that just because it said "lite", it didn't mean that it didn't have a gazillion points in it. We would argue over this all the time, and eventually I caved and gave up WW, for the umpteenth-eth time.

And then there would be the times that I'd lose a good size chunk of weight for the week, and his idea of celebrating would be a huge family size pizza with the lot (everything under the sun) on it--not going to see a movie sans popcorn, or me going shopping for something new. Rewards in this house seem to revolve around food! He would say that I should be able to eat some without it doing any harm--I would just have to be extra careful the days afterward. Everyone knows that on Weight Watchers they don't promote "credit" with points.
I think he truly believed that it would make no difference, and that because I'd lost like 3-4 pounds the previous week that I was on a roll and the fat would just fly off--I WISH. But he is the type that doesn't put on weight easy, and when he does it comes off super fast, which I personally think should be grounds for divorce but the courts don't agree! :judge: j/j

But sometimes I think husbands can be trying to sabotage you, but not be aware of it. Like a subconscious effort. Maybe he's used to you being the way you are personality wise but with a weight problem, and he thinks if you lose the weight that YOU will change in personality too. it's a very complicated psychology when weight and confidence/esteem issues are involved.

Perhaps try talking to him in a non-agressive way, or have your GP or dietician speak to him. What could it hurt?

Good luck!

07-28-2008, 11:18 AM
oh no, i'll wager he GETS it. I will also wager that on a subconscious level it was deliberate.

he's afraid of your weight loss. most husbands are. mine was afraid if i got thin i'd leave him.

I don't think that this is true in every case. My husband isn't worried about me leaving him, and he loves me thin, heavy, or the curvy inbetween. He just likes his junk food now and then...and when he wants it, he doesn't really think about the fact that it might be hard on me.

It is the same thing if I send him to the grocery store-he ALWAYS comes back with a couple of things not on the list, because he walks by them and they "looked good". Usually Doritos, Chips Ahoy, etc...

I have to deal with junk food being in the house ALL of the time. Right now there are corn chips, vanilla ice cream, Frosted Flakes, and regular Cokes in my house. My husband eats healthy 90% of the time, and he lifts weights and runs...and he is fit, and not overweight. So, if he wants ice cream or a Coke, what am I supposed to do?

I have just learned that no matter where I go, there are always going to be temptations. It isn't that anyone is trying to sabatoge me...it is just the way it is.

Pink Princess
08-01-2008, 03:05 PM
I agree that boyfriends and husbands often act in a way that's not consistent with our weight loss efforts, such as offering us foods we tell them we don't want to eat and talking us out of exercising in favour of doing something else. In some cases, I think the intent (conscious or unconscious) is to sabotage because they are afraid if we get thin we'll leave them or we won't be as powerless or dependent upon their affection (because they perceive we will have more alternative options if we're thinner).

In other cases I'm not sure the intention is to sabotage, but that they are reacting to our suddenly putting ourselves first and making our own needs a priority. I'm sure there are a lot of relationships out there where it's all about the woman meeting the man's needs and any sign of upsetting the status quo (by the woman suddenly saying, "I'm making this change for me" - which has nothing to do with meeting the man's needs) would be met with behavior that tries to reinforce the status quo. For example, the woman says, "I'm not eating pizza with you anymore because I want to lose weight." The man then proceeds to order pizza and persuades her into eating it. This could be about the man not wanting the woman to lose weight and leave him, but it could also be about minimizing or plain old not hearing the woman's needs. The man's attitude could be "Oh ya, since when is it about you?" Or, maybe statements about the woman's needs just don't register on their radar screen, as if they don't hear them.

In still other cases, it may not be about us at all. My experience has been that people are pretty self-interested a lot of the time. If the man buys a tub of extra rich ice cream, it may just be about him wanting extra rich ice cream and have nothing to do with us. In an ideal world, others (especially our husbands and boyfriends) would adjust their needs to support ours but this doesn't always happen and like aphil says above, sometimes you just have to live with temptation. It would be nice to be able to negotiate an agreement where they store their ice cream in a separate freezer you don't go into or whatever - some demonstration and follow through of support for us and acknowledgment that dealing with temptation is hard for us.

I also think women could get into the sabotage as much as men, so I'm not sure it's a man thing, although I think as a general rule it's more challenging for women to assert their needs in a relationship than it is for men.

08-03-2008, 08:05 PM
C'mon guys self control is key to be successful in your diet. One thing that you guys could do it is to say to your partner, you have one day to eat all that stuff because tomorrow everything that's left is going to the garbage :)

Lady Pantsalot
08-06-2008, 02:33 PM
We both just agreed to start loosing weight and made pretty plans on what to buy etc. Two hours pass... He volunteers to go and buy a packet of coffee and then "what about pastries?" PASTRIES!!!? He tried to play the "we could start tomorrow"-card, but I said no. No no no.

08-06-2008, 03:07 PM
I don't know about your husband, but I'm definitely feeling like mine is sabotaging me. Last saturday night I told him I wanted "a treat" and was going to go get a small bottle of wine. I told him I was only having one glass. He called me twice while I was out, asking me to pick up ice cream and donuts... luckily I didn't hear my phone! So when I got home he said he was going to go to sonic and get a blast.. which is highly irregular for him. He won't leave the house for food. he only orders in or else he does without.

Anyway, I told him if he went and got a blast then I was going to the gym to work out or barracading myself in the bathroom to take a bath until all evidence of it being in the house was gone. he didn't go get one, but the next day while we were driving around he stopped and got one and ate it in the car. I got so mad I wouldn't take one single bite that he offerred a couple of times.

He's definitely got some self esteem issues and is afraid that if I look great, I might wander or look for other guys who look great. He just needs some personal motivation to get in shape himself! But he never seems to find it...

He used to imply that it was my responsibility to check on his calorie intakes and to make him wake up in the morning to exercise. I told him no until he quit. But he hasn't done it on his own either which is frustrating.

I don't mean to rant about him, this is frustrating me but otherwise he is generally a very considerate and sweet guy. But eating that sonic blast was a mistake for him, because now I'm SO DETERMINED. hah!

08-15-2008, 09:08 PM
I think men want what they want when they want it, and really just don't think things through. So they go to the grocery store and see chips, they want it, they get it. That's the well-meaning SO, who just does unthinking things. Then there's the guy who wants you to stay the way you are. Since his wants are generally to the forefront in his brain (not always, just in a general way -- I think they have to consciously think to put others first) then if he's decided to eat like crap so you eat like crap, he will.

My SO has gone the opposite way, and is like a bootcamp instructor. It makes me so mad that I want to eat in front of *him*. He keeps asking me if I've worked out, what I did to work out, how my workout was, how much weight I've lost, what I've eaten, what my calories are... we were at a family party the other day and he SLAPPED A COOKIE OUT OF MY HAND. Sure, I shouldn't be eating cookies, but it was one cookie, and I'd been exceptionally good on the diet *just* so I could eat a few bad but not so bad things and feel like I wasn't depriving myself. I picked up the cookie and ate it, looking straight at him.. and he wouldn't talk to me for the rest of the night.

Is there some forum for support of relationship-challenged dieters? I don't want to bash him, but I'm feeling the need to BASH him ;-)

Anyway. For the most part, I think they're well-meaning. Just a little bit selfish. Most guys I know admit to that. Not only admit... but... are proud of that. Like they're beating on their chests while they say it. :-D