General chatter - He won't say I love you: seeking advice from hens and roosters

Optical Goddess
07-14-2008, 10:53 AM
I'll try to be quick, but I need some serious advice! This is eating me up!

My husband andI have been married for over 4 years, together for over 10 and living together for about 5.5.

Before we lived together or when one of us was out of town, we'd always say 'I love you' on the phone before hanging up.

When we're physically together, he won't say it, even if I say it first. Instead, he'll give me a kiss, a hug, or touch me in a non gratuitious yet affectionate way. It's been this way forever. Once I tried to find out why he wouldn't reply and he grew defensive. That was a few years back. He usually says 'actions speak louder than words'.

He's a wonderful husband; we do things together, hang out, engage eachother, he helps with the housework and cleaning and makes tasty foods on the grill. He's home when he says he'll be home, gone when he says he'll be gone, etc.

Now, normally I wouldn't have thought twice about allthis, but I found an email of his from Jan where he solicited an escort while I was gone. I also found that he cancelled and didn't go through with it. That whole ordeal ( which went down the 3rd week of June ) was very emotional for both of us. He said that he thought about it because he was so unhappy at work and wasn't in his right mind. I can attest to the latter part. His job wreaked havoc on his health, his personality. He was a mess. He's also thhe kind of person who wouldn't stay w/ me to keep up appearances. there's no kids, nothing from stopping him from leaving me if he wanted to.

i look at what hapenned as a blessing, in thqt it allowed us to evaluate our marriage and what we can do to make it better.. we've both been working on our marriage and communication skills, things are improving, but I also realize this won't fix itself over night and that I am paranoid.

What's everyone's take on this situation?

07-14-2008, 11:04 AM
I am sorry that your husband solicited a prostitute when you were gone. That is a sure sign that there's a LOT more going on than his unwillingness to tell you he loves you.

I suggest couple and individual counseling with a qualified therapist.


07-14-2008, 11:21 AM
I'm sorry for your pain.....but think on what he said...actions speak louder than words...he was soliciting a prostitute because he has problems with his job? even if he didn't go through with it, the seeds of doubt are planted.

put yourself first and take this to a professional. it seems like you are doing all the giving and worrying.

07-14-2008, 11:32 AM
I would personally be very upset ab the whole escort thing, no matter how terrible things were for him at work. I mean, yes he gets points for not actually going through with it, but still... It's good you're using that as a way to hopefully improve the marriage though.

As for the not saying I love you... I know you spoke with him already about this and he said actions speak louder than words, but I would speak with him again and tell him that you understand why HE doesn't *need* to hear the words "I love you", but for YOU they're important, even if they ARE only words. I mean, him telling you "I love you" isn't for HIS benefit; it's for you, so if you don't feel the love through actions alone, he needs to do what WILL make you feel the love, even if it's not HIS prefered way to express it. Imo. Maybe, since he obviously prefers actions over words, you could start giving him kisses and such rather than saying "I love you" (or in addition to it).

07-14-2008, 11:38 AM
I was with you until you hit the escort part -- my husband never used to be one to speak the words, he is a wonderful provider so I can stay home with the kids, we enjoy each others company, etc.

But, my problem is -- if your husband says "actions speak louder than words" what does he think the escort should be "speaking" to you?

I have a hard time with the job stress causing a man to try to hire an escort. If there is job stress, what benefit does an escort provide? I would think an escort would be used for "love life stress" -- but that is only my opinion. He made the call, the fact that he backed out doesn't change the fact he made the attempt in the first place (only my opinon).

I think in your heart you know what you need to do. Can you trust him, do you feel that he really loves you, etc. Counseling is always a good option -- for couples or just you.

My mom read a joke once -- A wife of 50 years asked her husband why he never says "I love you" -- he told her "I told you when we got married I love you, I'll let you know if I ever change my mind" :)

Good luck to you -- remember -- you are worth the best in life :hug:

07-14-2008, 11:50 AM
Wow Yeah something more is going on. He isn't just unhappy with work. He is missing something from home too. It may not be your fault but we know some men have a very hard time opening up. I would also try counseling if talking to him doesn't get you the answer. I don't think soliciting a prostitute is as bad as holding a 7 month relationship with a stranger because your husband isnt showing he intended to have a serious committed relationship with another woman. on the other hand, slippery slope if he went through with it or not and unfortuntately one that many more have to deal with now than they used to.

07-14-2008, 01:10 PM
All I can say is wow you must be going through a lot. I can understand that you may feel unloved because he won't tell you so and then add on the fact that he was planning to cheat you on. :hug:

I think you do need to seek counseling. Both of you need to work on whatever issues you have individually as well as a couple. I think the fact that he won't say 'I love you' seems to be the least of your issues.

07-14-2008, 01:23 PM
My fiance went through a phase where he didn't tell me "I love you". It scared me, and I finally got to the point where i cornered him and asked him why. He said that in his mind, those words are very special words, to be said at special times not just thrown around carelessly throughout the day. It kind of made sense.

07-14-2008, 01:30 PM
I guess I'm getting old and jaded. I find that when people are caught engaging in poor behaviors, it is rarely the first time that person has done it. It is just the first time they have been caught. I would definitely advise counseling. And condoms. And STD testing, but again I am biased based on situations I see every week.

I'm sorry, Godddess. :hug:

07-14-2008, 01:35 PM
I guess I'm getting old and jaded. I find that when people are caught engaging in poor behaviors, it is rarely the first time that person has done it. It is just the first time they have been caught. I would definitely advise counseling. And condoms. And STD testing, but again I am biased based on situations I see every week.

I'm sorry, Godddess. :hug:I wouldn't consider you jaded. I thought the same thing too! first time caught is NOT usually the first time ever.

07-14-2008, 01:49 PM
I agree with midwife about getting tested. I know this sucks, but you only found out about the escort becaue you saw his email--not because he told you. What else hasn't he told you? I once dated a guy 4 years and dumped his sorry behind because he felt "it's not lying if you don't ask the right question"
Which was his way of saying that unless I asked if he was having sex with other women, he wouldn't tell me. Loser! Thank God I never actually had sex with him (I wanted to wait until I got married, which he claimed he "respected").
My heart hurts for you, honey! This sucks. You also need to think about your financial situation just incase. Did you guys have a pre-nup? Whose names are on the lease/house/cars/other property. Could you financially support yourself?

07-14-2008, 02:18 PM
But, my problem is -- if your husband says "actions speak louder than words" what does he think the escort should be "speaking" to you?

Oh my heart goes out to you. It is hard when your husband doesn't say I love you. My husband doesn't really say it either FIRST. I usually say it to him then he will say it back. He's more of a cuddler and hugger. What you said about your husband saying "actions speak louder than words".. my experience has been that people use that to their benefit when they want to. My dad used to say that exact phrase "actions speak louder than words" a LOT to me and my mom when we would complain about something. My dad finally confessed to my mother after 10 years of multiple affairs because he couldn't handle the guilt anymore (again it was all about him and wanting forgiveness) and they got divorced. I would not be surprised to find out that my dad had solicited escorts to put it nicely as well on his many "boys only" trips. I have also wondered if I have any possible half siblings since my dad also informed my mother that she would need to be vigilant about STD testing since he had gotten one from his cheating and lied about it to my mom the year before he finally confessed so we figured out that he had unprotected sex. My father's dead so I can't really ask him or work out my issues I have by talking to him.

The above comment from Shelby definitely really hits the nail on the head and start judging him by his actions like he says. If he gets upset just say that you've said " actions speak louder than words" and he'll just have to deal with that with being held to that saying. Another thing that bothers me is that you found this out by finding emails, he did not come to you and confess this. So I have to think if you hadn't found those emails then would he have ever told you? And job stress is the lamest excuse, there is no excuse period for the lying and deceitfulness and possible health issues from no protection being used that goes along with cheating or "almost" cheating. We ALL have life and job stresses. How we choose to deal with our stress is what is important, I usually curl up with a good book for example. Also to be on the safe side, I would go get tested and insist on him doing so too and also some counseling.

07-14-2008, 06:29 PM
:hug: Counseling ASAP. For both of you, if he is willing. If not - go by yourself. Seriously - ASAP.

You are in my prayers!!!

07-15-2008, 12:36 AM


07-15-2008, 01:09 AM
So sorry that you're having to go through this.
I was gonna tell you that I don't tell my hubby that I love him in person, but I'll say it on the phone (that's another story).
But, I was floored when I read the escort part. I'm very untrusting--how do you know he didn't go through with it?

Best wishes to you. Maybe a counselor can help talk you through what to do. So sorry :(

Optical Goddess
07-15-2008, 03:00 PM
I'm not going to go into huge detail, but I wanted to thank you all for your kind words and concern. Last night things came to a head, there was much tears, harsh words, what have you.

In the end of it all, I am going to stay with him as long as he is willing to do what it takes to get our marriage back on track. I believe it can be done.
We're going to use whatever resources we need to :counselors, therapists, clergy, family, etc.
To those who feel I'm on a fool's errand and I'm on my way to severe heart break, please keep it to yourselves. I feel wierd enough about posting such personal things as it is.

Again, thank you for your support. This chick really needed it.

07-15-2008, 03:08 PM
I would hope just getting it out in the open and knowing where each of you stand on your marriage is a good starting point and I am happy you are both willing to do whatever it takes to try to make it work.

As far as the fact I'm sure you've received some responses you felt were negative, I think when you put yourself out there, it is to hear and gain advice from others -- in agreement or not. Everyone has an opinion, it is ultimately your choice of what option to chose and you can ignore the rest.

Best of luck to you and your husband. :hug:

07-15-2008, 07:18 PM
Good Luck!!:hug:

07-15-2008, 07:29 PM
No one here is in your shoes or knows all of the details involved. I wish you both the best, and have added you to my prayer list!

I pray that you will find the resources you need to heal the wounds and improve communication and rebuild the trust needed to move forward in your relationship.

Take care Optical!

07-16-2008, 12:24 AM
Good luck to you! I'm sure none of us meant to be judgmental--it's just that some of us have been in similar situations and remember how painful it was. I know that there are also wonderful sides to your husband that we didn't get to hear about.