100 lb. Club - off topic: breakup advice




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LisaF
07-13-2008, 09:28 PM
Totally off topic, but I've come to depend on the words of wisdom here, and I can't think of a better place to ask.

I want to break up with the guy I'm seeing. We've only been on four or five dates, so it's not very serious - except from things that he's said, I get the feeling that it's a whole lot more serious in his head than it is in mine. He's a nice guy, I like him, but I don't like him enough to want to keep dating him. I've never been good at instigating breakups, and I want to make this one as easy as possible for both of us. So here's the question:

How do I best do this? Am I best off doing it on the phone, or in person? If in person, should I do it in a public place (over coffee, for example) or a private one (my place)? Any other advice for making this as painless as possible?

Thanks.

Lisa


SavingServo
07-13-2008, 09:33 PM
Okay, I don't belong here but I thought I'd put in my 2 cents. 4 or 5 dates isn't exactly a "couple" yet, but you do owe him some sort of explanation so I'd say a "listen, I don't think this is working out, it's not you it's me" type thing is just fine next time he calls. It's few enough dates where you've saved yourself from having to do it in person I'd say.

nelie
07-13-2008, 09:41 PM
Yeah, I'd agree after 4 or 5 dates, you are still in the initial stages and wouldn't really call it a relationship. I'd do it over the phone, letting him know that you think he is a good guy but you don't feel he is the guy for you.

Also, my advice (which I learned the hard way), if he says he just wants to be friends, tell him you don't think that would work.


UrsusMaritimus
07-13-2008, 09:56 PM
I agree - over the phone is best. Since it's only been 4 or 5 dates, there's no reason for you to subject yourself to an in-person break up. Keep it kind and short.

Breaking up sucks - for both people. Even when it's the right thing to do. Good luck!

shelby897
07-13-2008, 10:36 PM
Another vote for over the phone. It is so awkward in person and you honestly haven't dated long enough to owe him that. I'm hoping he isn't some one you work with our have to see again in your daily life, those are difficult. Just tell him the truth, you just aren't feeling it -- you had a nice time on the few dates you had but you don't want to waste his time if it isn't there.

lalique
07-13-2008, 11:21 PM
I've not had any experience with this once-o-ever. But I do agree with the over the phone thing, for all the reasons stated above. :)
I hope it goes well for you.

chickybird
07-13-2008, 11:32 PM
Just thought I'd chime in too. By "over the phone" you do mean actually talking to him, not just texting him right? I think the phone idea is good too, I just was worried that we were talking about texting the guy.

LisaF
07-14-2008, 08:05 AM
Okay, I hear ya. Phone call is the way to go - and I'm really glad it doesn't have to be in person.

Like I said, I know it's not a relationship, but he seems to think it is, which is part of why I was struggling with how to approach it.

Thanks, everyone!

Lisa

Trazey34
07-14-2008, 09:24 AM
You've got great advice already, I just wanted to lend some moral support - even tho you're "not feeling it" with him, it sucks having to hurt someone's feelings :( But a little bump now is better than waiting ~ good luck !

GirlyGirlSebas
07-15-2008, 09:52 AM
Wow....I'm the oddball here. I think this type of thing should be done in person, but in a public place.

nelie
07-15-2008, 10:23 AM
Wow....I'm the oddball here. I think this type of thing should be done in person, but in a public place.

For me, I think there is a line at which it should be done in person versus over the phone. If you've gone out with someone more than a few times, consider the person your boyfriend or consider the relationship somewhat serious, then I do think in person is the way to do it.

bargoo
07-15-2008, 10:28 AM
Or you can always be"busy" when he calls, he'll get the idea.

SoulBliss
07-15-2008, 10:30 AM
Wow....I'm the oddball here. I think this type of thing should be done in person, but in a public place.

Just curious, why in a public place? Is it out of concern for safety? Otherwise, it seems that potentially upsetting someone out of their element, where they have to drive back home or may have a reaction that is embarrassing to have on display publicly seems a bit more cruel than doing it at the door to their home or on the porch etc.

nelie
07-15-2008, 11:03 AM
Or you can always be"busy" when he calls, he'll get the idea.

I actually did this when I was in college (~20) and I felt horrible about it. We weren't serious, he wasn't my boyfriend but we had gone on a number of dates and he was way more interested in me than I was in him. I wish I had just called him or answered the phone and told him that I wasn't interested in continuing to see him.

KLK
07-15-2008, 11:14 AM
I'd do it in person, but over coffee or something. I agree that a phone call breakup might be acceptable, but I still think it's better form to do it in person (and not in your house... if you go out to have coffee or something, you then both go your own separate ways after the conversation is over, rather than him having to leave your home, you know?)

GirlyGirlSebas
07-15-2008, 12:07 PM
Just curious, why in a public place? Is it out of concern for safety?

Safety is always a concern. I had an angry guy on my hands one time. Not a fun time!

JulieJ08
07-15-2008, 12:11 PM
Or you can always be"busy" when he calls, he'll get the idea.

Gosh, I hope no one I ever go out with takes that advice. Like Nelie said, I've done that once, and I felt horrible about it too. And frankly, it prolonged my misery too, he didn't get the hint very quickly. It's just not right.

ladybugnessa
07-15-2008, 12:20 PM
Wow....I'm the oddball here. I think this type of thing should be done in person, but in a public place.


me too but i thought maybe because i'm so much older....


i was thinking over coffee...

KLK
07-15-2008, 12:33 PM
What ab if you invite him out for coffee over the phone, but preface the invite with the four dreaded words: "We have to talk." This way, he knows something is up and if he wants you to spit it out over the phone, he's given you the option of telling him then rather than in person. If he still want to meet, he already knows this isn't a "date" you've invited him on.

dixied
07-15-2008, 12:42 PM
What ab if you invite him out for coffee over the phone, but preface the invite with the four dreaded words: "We have to talk." This way, he knows something is up and if he wants you to spit it out over the phone, he's given you the option of telling him then rather than in person. If he still want to meet, he already knows this isn't a "date" you've invited him on.

To this day that phrase "We need/have to talk" gives me the wiggins. I immediately get tense to the point of being sick. About that time DH continues..."We need to talk. I ordered something and it should be delivered on Monday..." Basically it's nothing major, but when he really wants me to hear something he uses that phase. I've tried explaining, but to no avail.

My two cents: Phone would be fine, if you do it in person either make sure you have backup (have someone nearby, but not right there with you) for safety, or do it in public. Either way, be honest but kind. I'm still fighting the bad karma from a horrible breakup 17 years ago.

GirlyGirlSebas
07-15-2008, 12:44 PM
What ab if you invite him out for coffee over the phone, but preface the invite with the four dreaded words: "We have to talk."

Perfect suggestion!

ladybugnessa
07-15-2008, 12:52 PM
What ab if you invite him out for coffee over the phone, but preface the invite with the four dreaded words: "We have to talk." This way, he knows something is up and if he wants you to spit it out over the phone, he's given you the option of telling him then rather than in person. If he still want to meet, he already knows this isn't a "date" you've invited him on.

brilliant...

Goddess Jessica
07-15-2008, 02:54 PM
I hate break-ups over the phone. Especially past 3 dates.

The problem is that when you say "Let's meet for coffee, we need to talk..." He's going to immediately ask "Why?" and you're going to think, "Oh, I will just get this over with." And break-up with him.

But I do think it needs to be done in person and I think it can be as simple as, "It's just not working out. I don't feel like we can be romantically involved. I don't know why, I'm just not in that place."

Pandora123a
07-17-2008, 02:03 AM
I'll throw in my two cents...don't get dragged into explanations. Keep just saying the same things over and over...it's not working for me... The worst thing is to drag things out.

Be kind...and it is kinder to end it than to let him continue investing in a relationship that is not happening for you.

Good luck

Sandi
07-17-2008, 01:43 PM
Lisa -

So what happened?

JulieJ08
07-17-2008, 02:29 PM
I'll throw in my two cents...don't get dragged into explanations. Keep just saying the same things over and over...it's not working for me...

I'll second that. Giving reasons just invites counter-reasons. Same thing is true when saying no to someone that wants something from you.

LisaF
07-18-2008, 10:51 AM
Lisa -

So what happened?

Well, nothing so far, and now I'm kind of hoping that I can avoid "the talk" altogether. See, we haven't talked at all this week, and I hope that means things are petering out. If it does, and we can have an easy conversation about how it was fun but it's not a good match, that would be perfect.

I'll let you know.

Lisa

hotmomma
07-18-2008, 11:02 AM
Or you can always be"busy" when he calls, he'll get the idea.

I have used this technique a couple of times, but I must admit it's cowardly.
And being on the receiving in of the "I'll call you line" is pretty unpleasant. I'd prefer a person just cut to the chase - though I was never great at it myself.

ladybugnessa
07-18-2008, 11:17 AM
Well, nothing so far, and now I'm kind of hoping that I can avoid "the talk" altogether. See, we haven't talked at all this week, and I hope that means things are petering out. If it does, and we can have an easy conversation about how it was fun but it's not a good match, that would be perfect.

I'll let you know.

Lisa

don't be surprised if he calls next week. sometimes they fall back and regroup.... men are so confusing.