South Beach Diet - DH/SO expectations




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TwynnB
07-07-2008, 10:19 AM
Okay, I've always been the same weight since I met my husband. 144. Before children, after children. But it certainly LOOKED a lot different after children (read: less muscle, more fat!!). But, 144 still isn't horrid for a 5'4" woman, is it? I was in a size 10 at that time...all my weight (well, most of it) was in my hips and thighs...and I admit, I was not comfortable nor happy with the way I looked.

He's always been most attracted to very fit woman. Think: cover of shape magazine or something. He goes to the gym all the time, and we're in a college town....so he sees these 20 something single childless workout women ALL the time.

So, now I've lost almost 15 lbs, and just bought a size 6 pants:carrot:. Very proud of myself, and my husband is too. He keeps telling me I look sooo much better.

Then I was telling him I saw myself in the Penney's mirror. Are there ANY good mirrors? I swear, it almost exaggerates any and all dimples, fat deposits, etc. I told him he said it looks better, but it certainly didn't in those mirrors!! His response? "But you're definately going in the right direction".

It made me realize...he hopes one day I'll look like the Shape magazine cover. He is most attracted to those skinny, 12-15% body fat types that are toned too. It almost annoys me that that is his preference, and he wants me to look like that. It ticks me off that the media glorifies all skinny women.

I guess I always think back to "men will love you for who you are, not how you look", but looks are SOOOO important to him. He's never verbally said that's what he wants me to look like that, but I know it is!!

It's annoying to me. The evil/vindictive/bitter side of me gets made and almost makes me want to be counterproductive.

Anyone else's DH/SO have unrealistic expectations/wants? Disillusioned because of the media?


pigginpodgey
07-07-2008, 10:50 AM
This journey should be about doing it for yourself, not trying to fit into a certain type of woman you think your husband finds attractive! Does he truly want you to be that type of women, or is he just being a man and ogling young women?!

KLK
07-07-2008, 10:59 AM
Hey, I'm not doing the South Beach Diet (though I am kind of interested in it) but :hug: Ugh... I'm also annoyed when men have a preference for perfectly toned, skinny-minnie girls. I know it's a RIDICULOUS thing to get annoyed ab, but I *HATE* it when perfectly thin women (like yourself -- at 130 lbs and 5'4" you are probably pretty thin) are made to feel fat/out of shape bc of that kind of preference.

But as Piggin said, losing weight is for YOU, not for your husband or anyone else. It's for YOUR comfort and health and self-esteem, not so that you can fit his perfect preference. The truth is that SO few women (at least in the US) are fit to don the cover of Shape Magazine and those who are, usually, do nothing else but workout -- that's their JOB; they're models bc they're exceptional. I don't think he can/does expect you to look like a fitness model -- it would be like him being disappointed bc you don't look like Kate Moss (minus the cocaine).

Please don't feel bad ab the way you look -- you're a perfectly healthy weight for your height and you workout regularly. Keep doing this for YOU. :hug:


LetsWorkItOut
07-07-2008, 10:59 AM
To me, saying something like, "You're going in the right direction" is a way to be supportive. It doesn't sound like pressure to me. Also, it almost sounds like you set him up to see if he would say something negative. We all have preferences towards a certain body type, but just because our SO doesn't perfectly match that doesn't mean that we love them any less or are less attracted to them.

Obviously, I don't know this man, but those were my impressions. You're doing a great job!

Schmoodle
07-07-2008, 11:01 AM
Oh, Twynn, you sound so blue. First of all, I am 5'4" and my goal is 145. I think this is a very reasonable weight for this height, and about what I weighed in college. But I have never been a very thin person.
We can all look at hardbodies on magazine covers (men and women) and think they're attractive. But I think most of us realize what it takes to look that way and that it's not realistic for most people, since we do not carry our portable airbrush around with us. You wrote that your DH has never said to you that he wishes you look that way. If he does it may be the way Ruth and I fantasize about George coming to visit, it's not real. There are certain actresses/models that my DH thinks are sexy. They are all of a type that I am not. But he loves me and married me, so attraction is more complicated than just the way someone looks. Even at 245 lbs., DH thought I was sexy, even though I'm sure he wished I would lose some weight (although he was smart enough never to suggest it). I'm sure he loves you for more than your appearance - but in a size 6, I'll bet you look pretty awesome anyway! Maybe you are reading too much into this, or projecting your insecurities. How much of this is him and how much of this is you? Don't let this drive you crazy, you are attractive and lovable for many qualities and I'm sure your DH knows it.

thunderbegone
07-07-2008, 11:12 AM
It sounds like we have the same dh! My husband also loves the fitness model look. While he has never put pressure on me to lose weight, I know that he would be more attracted to me if I resembled those women. He loves me regardless and I think that is what matters. If I am honest with myself, I know that I would also find him "more" attractive if he tightened up but my love for him would remain the same. In the end, that is what matters.

You are almost at YOUR goal and that is what matters. When you feel attractive again, your spouse will find you that way as well.

After having children, the body does change but you can get back to a more toned physique.

hmacneil6
07-07-2008, 11:27 AM
Twynn - Hang in there honey! Men sometimes say stupid things. My guess is that he didn't mean anything to hurt you and, in fact, he probably thought what he said was very supportive. He loves you and has not shown to think otherwise. Feel good about how you've been so successful. You rock!

JerseyGirrl
07-07-2008, 12:24 PM
Twynn...I know it must be frustrating to watch him salivate over college girls, but remember..he married YOU not the cover girl on the magazine. I think the sexiest thing a woman can wear is self confidence. You went from a size 10 to a size 6!!!!....strut your stuff right along side those gym going college girls!!!!!

RenRen
07-07-2008, 01:39 PM
To me, saying something like, "You're going in the right direction" is a way to be supportive. It doesn't sound like pressure to me. Also, it almost sounds like you set him up to see if he would say something negative. We all have preferences towards a certain body type, but just because our SO doesn't perfectly match that doesn't mean that we love them any less or are less attracted to them.

Obviously, I don't know this man, but those were my impressions. You're doing a great job!

I'm going to ditto this statement.

I think when presented with someone/something beautiful, we all want to take a nice long look. I'll admit to checking out the neighbor's lawn boy occassionally. :o

I think your husband was put in a tough spot. He answered very diplomatically and, IMO, an encouraging manner.

Congratulations on your WL!

pamatga
07-07-2008, 02:40 PM
I agree with what KLK said. In one of my social-psychology classes in college we studied about male and female body type/image preferences. According to one expert, which the name escapes me, both men and women are conditioned by our respective culture (key word) to find certain features attractive. For example, in some cultures around the world, the kind of thinness we prefer here would not be considered attractive. However, since we do live here and I know you don't plan on moving elsewhere to feel attractive, I hope you will, at least, consider what we are all saying.

It is good to be "thin" for your health. However, to be abnormally thin for your height, bone structure and genetics can (and often does) lead to ill health. If you are healthy and still want to lose weight, that is ultimately your decision but like Schmoodle said, beauty if more than skin deep. I used to be one of those enviable stick thin model types when I was a young girl and woman. I was also vain, very obsessed but also very insecure about my looks and it seemed like the only guys who were attracted to me were those who wanted to lay me. I never got the feeling that they gave one hoot about what I felt, thought or cared about. In fact, guess what, I was cheated on as much by them when I was model-thin as when I was fat. If a guy wants to cheat, he will. He'll blame your housekeeping or that you are boring... although I don't want you to get "paranoid" about any of that either! I was even told by my second husband that he saw me as a "trophy", something (not someone, mind you) that his friends could envy.

Well, fast forward to today. I am middle-aged, I am overweight but I have a darling sweet adorable DH who loves me period! No added clauses attached. He is my buddy, he is my lover and I hope we can be together forever. If he looks at other women, and he has mentioned some cute ones (he thinks Jean Smart, Charlene of Designing Women, is gorgeous--and guess what, she is!)so what! It shows he has good taste and his eyes work (a good thing at our age).

It is a shame we are such a shallow culture. I can't fix how we are but I did finally realize that I had more to offer a man than a good looking body and face. I have a good heart, a warm laugh and I make a mean pot roast. To me, that is what counts to my DH.

Sweetie, at your weight and size, be proud you are going to have many more years for your dear hubby to chase around. Don't worry, he will, if he has any good sense;)

zeffryn
07-07-2008, 04:09 PM
I hope your husband knows that he is attracted to women that have the same problems as you (everyone over 18 has some form of cellulite)....they just have a better airbrush tech. ;)

TwynnB
07-07-2008, 07:34 PM
Thanks for all your words and advice!

I think it stems from a bunch of things. He's always told me... if I gained too much weight, he'd still love me, but he wouldn't be attracted to me (and he's a VERY sexual person). Then, a few months ago, a while before I went on a diet (and NOT the reason I did...definately not!!), he got on his HANDS and KNEES and BEGGED me to get into shape. BEGGED ME. Now, this is a very submissive, self-conscious, quiet guy that never asks much of me at all. So for him to do this, was extraordinary. And I was ticked!! He finally figured out I was upset with him, and then he brought it up AGAIN, twice the next two days!!

So, yes...I am sensitive...

And although he's never said he's wanted me to look like that, being married to him, I know that's what he'd like. So when he said this the other day, I thought, "wow, he's just not going to be completely happy unless I'm a model!!".

Sigh. Well, getting it off my mind helps a bunch!!! Thanks for all the encouragement and support!

(and PS - he really is a good guy otherwise....)

greeneyes490
07-07-2008, 07:47 PM
I have to say my blood pressure rises when I read your postings....this is a huge pet peeve of mine...these men who expect women to fit a cookie cutter ideal and it just isn't real...even super models are airbrushed of their cellulite, made to look curvier in magazine ads etc.....and it worries me that he seems so bent on you "getting into shape" when you are at a perfect weight as we speak....I just don't get it....and what if you are happy at your current weight....I am sure he doesn't look like mathew mchonahay or george clooney so mabey he should work on that :)......aaarrrgggg....and you wonder why women are always questioning themselves and obsessing about weight etc....I really don't have any suggestions or solutions for u because I don't know anything about your husband or anything about your marriage etc....but I am very sensitive especially when it comes to my weight and this would definately be a problem for me......I would love to see these men carry a watermelon in their prostate for 9 months and then push it out of their privates....then look like brad pitt :)........just make sure your doing it for yourself and no one else i guess would be my main point :).....

murphmitch
07-07-2008, 07:50 PM
I think it stems from a bunch of things. He's always told me... if I gained too much weight, he'd still love me, but he wouldn't be attracted to me (and he's a VERY sexual person). Then, a few months ago, a while before I went on a diet (and NOT the reason I did...definately not!!), he got on his HANDS and KNEES and BEGGED me to get into shape. BEGGED ME. Now, this is a very submissive, self-conscious, quiet guy that never asks much of me at all. So for him to do this, was extraordinary. And I was ticked!! He finally figured out I was upset with him, and then he brought it up AGAIN, twice the next two days!!

So, yes...I am sensitive...

And although he's never said he's wanted me to look like that, being married to him, I know that's what he'd like. So when he said this the other day, I thought, "wow, he's just not going to be completely happy unless I'm a model!!".

Sigh. Well, getting it off my mind helps a bunch!!! Thanks for all the encouragement and support!

(and PS - he really is a good guy otherwise....)

I don't think you're overly sensitive here. I think he is "insensitive". Talk about a blow to your ego. How would you get in the mood with him after that little pep talk? How did you look when you got married? Does he still look the same? Sorry, but I think he's being shallow here.

murphmitch
07-07-2008, 07:54 PM
....I would love to see these men carry a watermelon in their prostate for 9 months and then push it out of their privates....then look like brad pitt :cp: I love that!

Schmoodle
07-07-2008, 07:55 PM
he got on his HANDS and KNEES and BEGGED me to get into shape. BEGGED ME.

Hmmm, now that would freak me out. No wonder you were angry.
BTW, what does HE look like? Just curious.

thunderbegone
07-07-2008, 08:33 PM
Whoa, your last post changes things a bit. That is terrible of him to get on his hands and knees and beg you. You have maintained the same weight since meeting him, even after having 2 babies. That in itself is amazing.

Yeah, what does he look like? Is he 5% body fat?

TwynnB
07-07-2008, 10:14 PM
Ummm....actually, he's in pretty good shape, especially for his age (46). Recently, he's added a little love handle, but....I really could care less.

Like I said, he's a good person, mostly....this is just something I sometimes struggle with. I wish I could ignore it, let it wash off my back....but I've always been conscious about my weight.

murphmitch
07-07-2008, 10:35 PM
...but I've always been conscious about my weight.

And no wonder. It sounds like he's conscious about it too! :(

kaplods
07-07-2008, 10:45 PM
I'm finding it hard to reconcile "he's a good person mostly," with his begging you to get in shape, when you've maintained the weight you met him at. This isn't even a case in which your physical appearance has changed drastically. Rather (as every human being on the planet), you have experienced a bit of the normal aging process (as has he).

"I promise not to age a day or gain (or redistribute) so much as a single pound" is not a reasonable marriage vow. This is about him, not you. If he really is a basically good guy, I would suggest that he is going through a midlife crisis - that, or he's not such a good guy.

LucyFlicker
07-07-2008, 10:54 PM
Maybe he honestly cares about your health? maybe?
I dont't know..there are 2 types out there.. t
he types that wants everything that is best for their woman...
and the types that only can think of themselves.

Maybe he just is begging you to get in shape WITH him? Then you 2 could exercise stuff together.

I know if my bf was eating 5 pounds of pasta a day or something, i would want him to let me cook for him all the time so we can enjoy good things together that we couldnt before??

I don't know it is probably not like that haha.

Fat Melanie
07-08-2008, 12:51 AM
Hi TwynnB- I know the man you described is your husband, you love him, and want to defend him from anyone who makes any comments, which is so very understandable.

But if a man got on his hands and knees and whatnot to beg me to get into shape, I would punch him in the face! (Okay, okay, I wouldn't be so violent, but you best believe my hand would be twitching to slap him one)

I don't even see by looking at your stats and tickers, how you are even fat, out of shape, overweight, ANYTHING other than being at a great weight.

I'm pretty mad on your behalf, I know I don't know you and we all have "met" on the internet but, I can empthasize, I can imagine how it would feel to be treated in that way. My ex bf, when I started gaining weight, had a problem with me suddenly not being so 'perfect' anymore. (It didn't matter to him that he went from being muscle-bound to getting love handles.) If we got in a fight, he would call me fat just to hurt me... and I wasn't even fat, I had gained some weight, but at that point, wasn't fat.

He started ogling those wrestling divas, with their gigantic fake boobs (I never had much boobage) and perfectly tanned, perfectly fit bodies, and skanky clothes, everytime I was in sight, or when his friends were over, knowing full well it was an insult to me. I would find porn magazines of barely legal girls ("barely legal" stuff may be legal, but I find it sick!) with their stick thin bodies all out on display. When I went over 150 lbs, he went to laugh about it with his friends just to be a word that starts with a and ends with e. He started cheating on me (this was not just because of the weight issue, but issues with him wanting to be free and single again, plus his family hated me, his aforementioned best friend became single again after a couple of years of being engaged, because he wanted to be single and play the scene, and guess what, so did my ex..).... anyway, I found pictures, and these girls were far less attractive, but a lot skinnier. After I left him (like he cared!) he was going all around the county with this hideous faced, but extremely thin, girl who wore tight clothes whereas I had started hiding my slowly-widening figure in t-shirts.... I couldn't believe he not only cheated on me with her and other girls, but then he moved in with that girl right after... and they had a baby and she was STILL skinny.... and ever since then I've had this stupid idea in my head that it doesn't matter how pretty you are... if you're not the skinniest, then you're not as attractive. But recently I've started un-learning that. It's not true. I know my story doesn't apply to yours exactly, but it's wrong of any man to expect us to be their ideal woman. Why did they get involved with us if we weren't their ideal? Why expect us to be perfect, why value these fake airbrushed women over the real, live women in front of you?

Why salivate over young fit women when you've got a wife with experience, wisdom, and a history with?

I just don't get men. A lot of them want to marry barely legal Playboy models.... but sorry boys, real women have cellulite, oh, and real women are WOMEN, not teens, and real women AGE. And aging can be beautiful, d-mmit.

*on my soapbox*

But I didn't mean to turn everything around to my past problems. I'm merely saying I understand how it feels for a man to expect you to be a perfect 10. I just don't understand for the life of me how someone your weight at your height isn't fit. I just don't understand it! Ask him would he love you more if you were what he physically valued? He should love you anyway, or then why did he marry you? You are worth more than to be demeaned in such a manner. I hate to come off as insulting to your husband, it's just, who does he think he is to do that? Now here you are, at a healthy weight, all worried and getting a complex thanks to him. Why do they do this to us?? Sigh.

Fat Melanie
07-08-2008, 12:53 AM
My current BF, who had a 100 lb wife, thinks I'm SEXY and I weigh over 50 more lbs than you. Not all men want perfection, or even think stick thin is in! Nor does it make them "chubby chasers". It's just, some men have the ability to not only love you but be ATTRACTED to you regardless of weight.

Stay strong.

pamatga
07-08-2008, 10:28 AM
It sounds to me like this guy is also insecure about aging himself, so much so that he is willing to beg you to be some ideal woman. I am not angry at him as much as I feel sorry for him. I mean, he really must feel like life is passing him by so if he can't grab the golden ring in life himself, like his career, looks, how much money he makes, etc. etc. then if he, at least, has a model wife he has "acheived" something.

I think, I would really have an open and honest talk with your husband. After all, you two have children together. I am assuming that you have weathered some storms in your married life together. This could be another one.

I agree with the others here who say that first and foremost you need to focus on what makes you feel good. If you lose weight for someone else, if you don't get the response you expected from them; ie, constant attention or fawning all over you, then you are less apt to continue to remain thin and regain the weight.

I used to want to "show people" that I wasn't the loser that I felt that I was when I came to my weight. Ironically, it took me finally dumping the "people pleasing" part of my personality and not give a **** what others thought to get me in high gear to take care of my body and lose the weight. The benefit of that is that I know why I am doing what I am doing. It also helps me when I see other people making different choices than I do regarding food. It gives me a feeling of inner strength. I don't feel superior but I do feel good that I am choosing to take care of me.

I hope you will consider taking some private time and sorting through some of the feelings and thoughts you have expressed here. There is no right or wrong way to feel about this. Maybe, helping your spouse to deal with his feelings of insecurity will help you both in the long run. Also, counting your blessings. It sounds like you and your family are in good health. How would he feel about you if you had a car accident tomorrow and your beautiful body was no longer able to walk or run? I just think we waste a lot of time comparing ourselves to others when we are just fine as we are.

Tell him to be thankful that you are what you are, that you care about what he thinks and feels and then see what he has to say. It's not a crime to be shallow but it is a pity.:hug:

chronicdieter
07-08-2008, 11:02 AM
I find myself having all sorts of emotions about your husbands' behavior - but I am reminded of my own marriage too:

My husband is 13 years older than myself - he's always been a good looking guy, with a slim build and never had to work at it (and never did) - recently he has begun to "feel his age" in his body and as a result (although it took me some time to realize his motivation) he began encouraging me to exercise (so that I might not have to deal with some of the issues that he has recently been experiencing). My problem was that I have ALWAYS worried about my weight - even when I was a size 4 (many, many years ago) - I still worried about it. My self-esteem is less than good and I tend to take things that people say, very, very personally.... So, when he began to encourage me to exercise (he can't do too much now himself - due to back trouble) I took it that he wanted me to lose weight and I resented it (I weigh about 20 lbs. more now than I did when we met 22 years ago - only one child later) because I am so insecure about my appearance. One night we finally sat down and talked it out and I realized why he was "pushing" - He simply loves me and wants good things for me and he's realized that we've been too sedentary (and he's right). But it took a good long talk to clear the air for both of us. We love each other for who we are and we need to take care of each other and of ourselves for all of the right reasons.

Marathon Mom
07-08-2008, 11:37 AM
I have found through experience.. that there is nothign sexier than a woman who feels confident in her own skin! Whether that skin is loose and baggy or taught and tight... I've worn both styles - and when I FEEL confident and sexy (regardless of how I look on the outside) My husband is insanely attracted...

Pearlrose
07-08-2008, 01:03 PM
Twynn my dh will let me know if he thinks I am starting to gain any weight, but since I lost most of the weight on SB he hasn't really said much either. He does not get SB way where you actually eat to lose to him losing weight means not putting food in my mouth. He is not attracted to me when I am overweight either- but nowadays he is but I know he wishes I would get the rest of the weight off, but I have come to a time in my life where I don't care if he is attracted to me, I feel good about myself and am comfortable..would like to drop some more but for me not for him. I know he loves me and I do love him but I had to do this for me, not for him and he could stand to lose about 20 lbs of stomach himself now.

My point is the only ideal you need is what you feel good and for your health about not what anyone else wants for you.

JerseyGirrl
07-08-2008, 01:38 PM
He got on his hands and knees and begged???? You are a much better woman than I am. I would have handed him a bucket, and a scrub brush and told him to clean my floors while he's down there and when he is done I'll allow him to TRY to convince me to not divorce him as he does the rest of all the household chores.

Excuse me if I sound too umm "Jersey" but WHAT AN A$$!!

mariarose
07-08-2008, 02:19 PM
[QUOTE=TwynnB;2258268]
His response? "But you're definately going in the right direction".
QUOTE]

At first I was going to defend him for the above quote because it sounds like one of those stupid things men say when they are trying to be supportive but end up putting their foot in their mouth.

For instance, recently my fiance asked me when I thought I'd be done losing weight, and I replied that I'd be done when I felt like a thin person. His response was "you'll never be thin enough" or something along those lines, and at first I was really mad because it sounded like he was saying that no matter how much weight I lost, I'd appear pudgy. I didn't feel like picking a fight about it, though, so I changed the subject. In retrospect, the way he said it was stupid, but he was probably right-- I'll never feel thin b/c that just isn't my personality. Still, he could have said that instead.

However, after your more recent post about the begging, sounds like something meaner could be going on.

Belle Mer
07-08-2008, 07:38 PM
I'm not judging anyone's SO or DH. Life has a way of making all of us say and do inappropriate things from time to time.

Men are so appearance oriented and our culture has warped them even further toward worshipping the outer appearance and forgetting the inside. Appearance fades and then you're left with a PERSON. So many younger women are so he** bent on making the OUTSIDE perfect that they fail to develop anything on the inside, like the intellect, and the soul and spirit. So many men and women are left old and empty because of this.

Losing weight to feel and look better is just fine IMO.

Doing it for someone else doesn't really work because we can't fix everything and look perfect forever. There will always be something imperfect about us. (Even though Hollywood thinks they can botox themselves into oblivion.) The imperfections make us unique and human.

My hubby is supportive of me at any weight. But I know he'd rather see me look and feel healthier, and feel better about myself. I know like every other man, he'd like to walk into a room with a hot wife on his arm. But that's not the most important thing. In fact, it's way down there on the list. Having a best friend, someone who is your champion is a whole lot more important than being a size 2 or whatever.

I've had other types of SO's. One who wanted me to lose weight and dye my hair so he could be more attracted to me. All I can say is, "Do it for your own reasons and don't worry about anyone else."

murphmitch
07-08-2008, 08:02 PM
My hubby is supportive of me at any weight. But I know he'd rather see me look and feel healthier, and feel better about myself. I know like every other man, he'd like to walk into a room with a hot wife on his arm. But that's not the most important thing. In fact, it's way down there on the list. Having a best friend, someone who is your champion is a whole lot more important than being a size 2 or whatever."

I totally agree with you. I discussed this with my husband last night & while he loves me being more self-confident and happy, the weight part of it isn't that important to him. He is happier when I am happier, feel sexier & am content. No matter what weight that is.

My husband has gained a few pounds since we married 26 years ago, but my love for him has grown & deepened more every year and I think he feels the same way about me. :hug: