General chatter - I don't know what to do anymore (I just hate being a teenage girl)




bfvgirlplayer
07-04-2008, 04:14 PM
So I have been in a weird place for a while, and I can't seem to find someone to talk to about it, but this website has really helped me through a lot so I thought I'd vent a little. So I had found a thread about feeling worse after losing weight, which really made me feel better because I wasn't the only person who felt like that. I still see me 120lbs ago, but I can see the new me in pics, but no one said that feeling goes away. I also found a thread about the straw that broke the camel's back, and I explained how I started losing weight because of a crush and that now we are best friends. Well this vent has to do a little with him, I am afraid I still have a thing for him. I thought I had been over him for like 2 years, but I still get excited when ever our hands touch, or whenever we wrestle around and fake fight. But when I am away from him I know that it is wrong to like him, he doesn't care about me as much as I do for him (friend wise), he isn't there when I need him, and recently has been changing for the worse. I am hoping I just feel this way because he is about to move away for college and I am just going through separation issues. And while I am going through this I can't tell any of my other friends I might like him because I had already gone through that, and even told him once. If I told anyone it would surely get back to him and everything would turn awkward. And I do love him (as a friend) and wouldn't want to harm our friendship, but how am I supposed to get over it? I am worried that if I do get over it I wont call/text him as much (I talk to him like everyday) and when he moves we'll grow apart. And I have other friends to talk to, but the one I go to most just lowers my self esteem more than it is. He used to be really fun and helpful, but now he just says how everything I wear looks awful, and says I'm a whore (it really isn't as bad as it seems, we all say it to each other in good fun) but just the timing is bad when he says it, and he has started making fun of my weight/appearance. But there is A LOT of background between us, we used to date(When I was still at 312lbs. Which made me feel like he really liked me), he still says he didn't expect us to be bf/gf but more like friends with benefits... so that always hurt, but we ended up being really good friends, but all this hurting me stuff is just starting. And then I have a couple of girl friends, but I can't have as much fun with them because one is usually grounded and the other is more into her family. So I am stuck with the boys or alone most of the time (and I really don't like spending time with my family, there is even more drama there). So I had decided to make some new friends at work, the problem is I am extremely shy, so I have very few friends there. And the few I have are only work friends, I don't have their numbers and I doubt we would ever get together outside of work. And again they are mostly boys, which is fine, I get along better with boys, not as much drama, but I would like to date. I have only had the one boyfriend, which ended up to be fake. But I keep making boys just my friends. I don't know how to flirt and I can't tell when anyone is flirting with me (my mother usually says someone was flirting with me, but she's my mother. so I dunno if anyone ever actually is). And I have another crush at work, but I already know it wont work out. He is into drinking, and I'm really against it. (We're only 18) And I have tried going to family for support through all this teenage girl drama, but they don't understand. And I just feel so alone anymore. I just needed to vent, and I hope to get some good advice. I love this site and am SO happy I found it! It really does feel like a family.
Sorry it was so long.
Nikki <3


djay
07-04-2008, 04:31 PM
Nikki,

You sound so much like my daughter. You have lots of looking and dating to do. Look at the qualities in these guys that you like. None of them so far meet all of your needs. So It is good that you never go past friends.

Look for the total package. One that meets all of your needs and don't settle for less. He is out there and you will have no trouble flirting with him when it happens.

In the mean time...grlfriends can be a big source of fun advice and support along the way in ways your family can't...but family will be the ones with your best interest at heart.

Mainly...Don't settle!

Good luck hun,

D

JayEll
07-04-2008, 04:39 PM
Hey! :wave: Congratulations on your weight loss! :cheer:

It sounds to me like you think this male friend is the last person you'll ever meet who will be interested in you and you in them. You're afraid that you won't text him as much and vice versa, and the two of you will drift apart. Well, I am here to tell you that if that's what happens, it's OK. People come and go in life. If you try too hard to hold on to the people who are "going," you don't leave any room for the new people who are "coming." There could be folks around you right now who you haven't even seen yet because you're thinking so much about this friend.

So, just relax and go about your life. Stop obsessing about this guy. I know that's easy for me to say, but I think you'll eventually find that it's the only way to go with the flow.

Besides, I don't think he's that good a friend. Good friends don't tell you that everything you wear looks awful and you're a whore, even joking. And, if they did, why wouldn't you tell them it's not cool? No woman should put up with that if she has any self respect.

You're "only" 18, and you can be sure that you'll meet many, many people to be interested in and who are interested in you.

Hang on! :hug:

Jay


WarMaiden
07-04-2008, 04:45 PM
When I was a teenager / young adult, I believed that no one would ever want me or be attracted to me or love me. Honestly, what a dumb thing to believe! I was very wrong, and you're undoubtedly wrong about your attractiveness and worth, too. Quit listening to the negative self-talk and doubt...it's a lie. Be patient, hold onto high standards, and wait for the right guy to come along. He will.

BIG B00TY
07-04-2008, 04:52 PM
Congrats on the weight loss!! Keep going, you can do it!!

I remember well being your age, and you describe it perfectly! That's normal i think!

You will have many crushes! But the right one is out there and that will feel different than your crushes do!

It's the hormones that make it seem so horrible.

In time that will ease and you will feel better.

Don't worry, it happens to the best of us!! :)

Maybe after you lose all the weight, he will feel differently too, ya never know!

Good luck!! XOX

net knee
07-04-2008, 04:56 PM
WOW talk about deja vu (sp?) I felt like I was reading my own story. When I was younger I wasn't overweight but I thought I was and I was very very shy. If any guy even attempted to flirt with me I thought he was being a jerk and picking on me so I repsonded with rudeness. This is where I started my favorite comeback to men which is "Don't be an @$$ hole you're whole life, it's not worth it". Back to subject. I never really had many girlfriends. I couldn't stand the drama. I had a group of like 4 that I liked but I often questioned their view of our friendship. I had a lot of guy friends. Less drama...usually. I started to evaluate my friendships with my girlfriends and found that all 4 of them were actually true friends and all 4 of them are STILL my good friends. One is my bestest and I see her everyday.
As for feeling alone, just know that many girls go through this and make it out just fine! Have you tried journaling your feelings? Writing in a journal is a great release and sometimes you can even go back to last week and see how silly one thing was and how serious another was... it helps put things in perspective.
As for this guy friend...it will probably be easier for you when he goes off to college to start looking for a man. You will have more time to devote to going out or going to sporting events (if you're into sports it's a great place to meet men). As for growing apart, yes you probably will grow apart a little bit. But true friendship will survive this test and you'll still be friends in the end.
I hate to be mean/truthful but he kinda sounds like a jerk. What does he think he's doing by putting you down? Have you confronted him about this? Tell him that it hurts you and if he doesn't stop you will have to stop spending so much time with him.
It also makes me think about a 10 year old boy... He likes a girl so he's mean to her or he pushes her down at recess. You should have a heart to heart with him and find out his true feelings for you and if he's just interested in friends with benefits tell him the truth-- if that's not what you want (which it doesn't sound like it is) tell him you will NOT be his friend with benefits. Friends is fine as long as he can start treating you like a real friend and stop putting you down...
You should try finding some female friends... it's tough i know but it's well worth it in the end. If you're going to college yourself you'll be able to find more friends there too...
I still feel like I'm at my old weight... I see myself as if I still weighed 240 pounds...When i see pics of me it reminds me that i'm starting to look good and it helps a bit...as for the feeling ever going away- i'm not sure but i sure hope so!
Hang in there and keep your chin up...You're beautiful and an inspiration! :hug:

net knee
07-04-2008, 05:05 PM
Hey I just noticed that your goal weight is 110 pounds and you're 5'8"!! The healthy weight range for 5'8" is 126 - 154 lbs. Do you have a very small frame? If you get down to 110 you'll be very thin and underweight!!
Just wondering... sorry to be nosey if it bothers you.

bfvgirlplayer
07-04-2008, 05:33 PM
Hey I just noticed that your goal weight is 110 pounds and you're 5'8"!! The healthy weight range for 5'8" is 126 - 154 lbs. Do you have a very small frame? If you get down to 110 you'll be very thin and underweight!!
Just wondering... sorry to be nosey if it bothers you.

ya, I actually just looked up BMI and it said it was too thin, I guess I just wanted to lose a solid 200lbs. But I wont go that far, I have been lucky not to develop an eating disorder, so I wont go too far, maybe 130-150 is a better goal. But thanks for the worry and all the advice :hug:
you all really do help :)

UrsusMaritimus
07-04-2008, 05:38 PM
Hi Nikki,

Hang in there! Being a teenage girl in this society just sucks. IT SUCKS. As you get older, it will get easier.

Regarding teenage boys - you gotta keep in mind that developmentally, they are inferior to you. They're way behind the curve when it comes to love and relationships and dating. You deserve (and will eventually find) someone who deserves you. It might take time, but it will happen.

He'll go off to college, and you may grow apart. And that's okay. In fact, that may be what enables you to get over him and open your heart to someone else.

Unfortunately, there's just no quick and easy way to get over someone. You just have to give it time and let things run their course.

Good luck! I feel for ya!

Jaclyn

mamaspank
07-04-2008, 07:37 PM
Your problems remind me of the problems I was having when I was in high school. Maybe I can give some advice.

I used to have a lot of guy friends and not as many girlfriends. You definitely need girlfriends. I had a hard time dating when I was only hanging out with guys and a lot of the time they ended up having a thing for me. It would make things awkward for a while, but then we would go back to being friends and they would thank me later for not putting them through being my boyfriend.

You're so pretty! I think you need to branch out and start dating guys from different arenas. That's where girlfriends help. Going out with a bunch of girls makes it easier to flirt with guys. If you are hanging out with guys all the time, whoever might want to flirt with you won't because he'll probably just assume you are taken.

You are very young to be taking your life by the reigns the way you are; you should be so proud of yourself. I think most young men are intimidated by confident young women. I think you probably have some newfound confidence and intimidate your friend/ex a little bit. Don't you dare change. Move on. Sounds like there is some baggage there anyways. You will probably want to forget that you even liked him in a few years and will hopefully shudder at the thought. This is easy for me to say now that I have been through it.

You owe it to yourself to surround yourself by men and women who support you in what you're doing. These positive changes can bring out the worst in people who you thought were friends, whether we're talking jealousy or intimidation. Don't forget where you've been and how far you've come!

tamaralynn
07-04-2008, 11:25 PM
:hugs: Nikki - sounds tough. I was the same way when I was younger. Are you finished high school? Have you thought about college? That was what got me out of my shyness :)

The guy who calls you a "whore" - he's a jerk, I wouldn't put much into that friendship :(

As for the "friend" who is moving away... keep in touch with him. There's a saying that "distance makes a heart grow fonder". :) Only time can tell with him.

bfvgirlplayer
07-06-2008, 01:03 AM
Well thank you all so much for the kinda and encouraging words, I have started to cut the strings with the crush/friend, ( I can't just cut off cold turkey, but I am getting better) I guess I'll have to find out through time if he cares about our friendship like I do. And I am really glad that I'm not alone, that others have been through this, I was starting to feel like I was going crazy. I love you all, Thank You!:hug:

Operator265
07-06-2008, 01:24 AM
Hi Nikki,

Hang in there! Being a teenage girl in this society just sucks. IT SUCKS. As you get older, it will get easier.

Regarding teenage boys - you gotta keep in mind that developmentally, they are inferior to you. They're way behind the curve when it comes to love and relationships and dating. You deserve (and will eventually find) someone who deserves you. It might take time, but it will happen.

Gotta argue this point. It won't get easier. But at some point, somewhere between about 25-40, you won't give a damn anymore. And teenage boys never grow up. They usually remain that way forever. We just start calling them men instead of boys.

Learn to accept it. But, more importantly, you must learn to accept yourself and expect nothing beneath your own standards. You don't need someone tearing you down. We have society and the media to do that for us. Believe me, there are MEN out there that have been raised right. Find one. And if you haven't yet.....Keep looking. You deserve nothing less.

bfvgirlplayer
07-07-2008, 03:27 PM
I am so grateful to all of your support and today I had a moment that really made me feel better about myself! I was walking through Publix and I was walking toward this kid around my age in sunglasses (he was coming in and I was going out) and we caught eyes and I smiled and he ended up running into an old woman! It was like the movies! I was so excited, I just smiled to myself and it just made my day. I thought I would share my moment of happiness.


Also on the friend/crush front I have left him alone and he ended up calling me around 1:30am to talk. And I didn't get crush excited, I was just excited my friend wanted to talk. I think I am heading in the right direction. I just hope this lasts :crossed:

StillTryin
07-07-2008, 04:42 PM
I think you are going through what a lot of overweight teens go through. It does suck but it will get better.

I think you are definitely on the right track by limiting your effort into the relationship with this boy. I think we as women do not like to lose anyone as a friend even if they are a bad friend.

I was 20-22 when I first started to realize this so you are WAY ahead of where I was.

I would do like the other suggest, find some good female friends and meet nice people through them. Volunteer at church, or other places and you are bound to find someone wonderful who doesnt worry about the OUTSIDE near as much as the person on the inside. You are beautiful inside and out now let the world see it!!!

Writermom46
07-07-2008, 06:50 PM
This conversation has really hit a chord with me. I've been overweight my entire life and I have a hard time seeing myself as thin. But once I get thin I have to think of myself as thin or I will go back to where I started from. In high school I lost a lot of weight only to put it back on once I got married. This whole time I have never consistantly thought of myself as thin. Even at my thinnest. Sometimes I surprise myself when I pass a mirror but I just won't believe it is me. And I've thought this way since before high school. Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is if you want someone to treat you a certain way, you have to act like you want to be treated that way. It's a hard thing to do sometimes.

lizziep
07-08-2008, 02:39 AM
I went through a very similar situation at your age. The only bit of wisdom I learned from my experience is this:

The people who are your friends in high school, the boys you're in love with, the things that seem soooo big now- once you've hard a little bit of space and time between them - you're realize it's not as big, not as important. I'm not trying to minimize what happens, I'm just saying - at least for me... everything was a big deal, I looked at everything through a magnifying glass at that age.
Once I got a little older and a little bit of time had passed- I realized that a lot of the people who were so important to me, were no longer even in my life and I had forgotten and forgiven....

The problem with being a teenager honestly- is that you just have to live through it. You're definitely ahead of where I was at your age - and I made it through somehow. :)