06-29-2008, 09:20 PM
Weight Loss Support - I'm Just the Fat Friend.
View Full Version : I'm Just the Fat Friend.
06-29-2008, 09:20 PM
06-29-2008, 09:48 PM
That can and does happen to anybody. While you don't like the guy that's interested in you, the fact is, you are getting attention. Just not from the guy you want. No fun at all to be sure, but not necessarily related to your weight. Hope it gets better.
06-29-2008, 09:54 PM
My only two friends are pencil thin, so I feel your pain as the "fat friend"...
06-29-2008, 10:15 PM
I totally feel you pain too. Just remember though, that just because you don't find the second guy attractive doesn't mean that he has bad taste...he's into you, and that's a great compliment! He sees something special in you, and that's what you should focus on. Maybe you'll get to know him and really like him.
06-29-2008, 10:15 PM
I'm thinking that the guy you're attracted to was attracted to you. But, when he found out that his friend was into you, he stepped back (probably because it was obvious that his friend was MORE into you). On the other hand, it could have been, that from the start, he did have his eye on your friend, knowing his friend had his eyes on you - with plans for a fun double-dating kind of thing.
One thought though, why do you think that the guy that is into you doesn't count? I understand that you're not attracted to him, but it seems that you completely dismiss his attention as a sign that you are attracting male attention, even if not the specific male you were hoping for.
Why are you "second hand garbage" when one guy isn't interested in you, but another guy is. You know that happens to super skinny and/or gorgeous girls and guys too - two girls like two guys and the guys happen to turn out to be interested in the "wrong" girl (in the girls' opinions) or vice versa.
Why doesn't the interested guy's attraction matter to you? I understand that you aren't attracted to him (but are the reasons superficial or based on different interests and outlooks on life), but why are you worthless unless the guy you're attracted to is attracted back.
06-29-2008, 10:31 PM
I agree. I think the guy you like was interested in you first. I think if anyone is second hand garbage, it's your friend. Of course, she's not. I say it that way because I don't think you'd talk about her that way, yet you talk about yourself that way. Obviously, you had TWO guys into you and you were the first choice for them both! If anything, you should be flattered. It sucks that the guy you're into is now focusing on what he thinks he can attain without destroying his relationship w/ his buddy. That shows that this guy you like is a good guy. However, sometimes, things aren't going to be smooth and I don't think weight is the issue here. I understand why you think so though, because we have all felt this way in the past.
What are you going to do? Quit and gain back all your weight? That would be a self-fulfilling prophecy. You should take good care of yourself because you're worthy of the best...no garbage anywhere in sight! Take care of yourself and hang in there so that you can look back at this time and see what a fighter you were..that you held on even when it got really, really tough. Go workout that stress of yours and feed your body right because if you don't love yourself, how can you find the love you want?
I hope I'm not being too harsh, but I just feel for you and I don't want you to quit.
Take care. :)
06-30-2008, 12:11 AM
Don't quit! It sounds like you're going through what I've gone through...everytime I liked a guy, it seemed he liked someone else, usually someone thin. I used to think "what's the use?" and comfort myself with fattening foods. Now that I have nearly 100 pounds gone (for reasons that have nothing to do with finding love), I am getting more attention from men, some who creep me out or who I just am not interested in. Still feels kinda nice. I try not to validate myself on whether I attract men or not, I try to look at my accomplishments and personality and get validation from that. If things don't work out with this guy, someone else will come along who will make you forget all about him. Things may work out with this guy...who knows what will happen.
As I've said, I've been thought of as the "fat chick who could never get a guy". Now that I'm getting smaller and some females may be seeing me as competition, I am on the receiving end of catty comments from some of these girls. Before,that might have had me heading straight for the fridge...now it gets me in my sneakers and out jogging...I am trying not to let others have that much power over me that I undo all that I've worked so hard to achieve, weight-wise. You'll do o.k...just don't quit!
06-30-2008, 12:23 AM
I have always been the bigger girl out of all of my friends... and still am. One time I was even told he would take my brains and my girlfriends body, I'm the smart one, she's the pretty one:(.
06-30-2008, 12:39 AM
You know, it is possible that it has nothing to do with your weight. Just as you are attracted to a certain type of person, he may be attracted to a certain type... who knows if that type isn't you without actually asking him. If you talked off and on, and he was somewhat into you- which he definitely seemed like he was into you for at least friendship if nothing else... you should ask him. Only he can tell you what he was thinking.
I was watching Joy Nash the other day on Youtube and I couldn't help but yell AMEN! To her rant that we instantly think men aren't attracted to us because of our weight. It's definitely something to watch :)
We do more damage to ourselves by constantly turning it over in our minds that are plagued with negative thoughts--- chances are... it didn't have anything to do with your weight :)
p.s. If it is your weight... even when you've lost all you have to lose... would you want a guy who wouldn't date an awesome girl because she's a fat chick? LOL I can't help but wonder.....
06-30-2008, 01:37 AM
Don't give up. Keep on losing like a maniac, chicky. Then, you'll be the hot friend, and won't have to worry about the "fat friend" issue ever again. As for guy1, just corner him and ask him if he's avoiding you. You were talking, now you're not, so approach it from that angle. He might just be trying not to get in the way of his buddy, but whatever the issue, he's the only one with the answers. :hug:
06-30-2008, 01:56 AM
Don't give them that kind of power!! You're losing weight/getting healthy for YOU, not anybody else! When you give someone else power like that it just makes it worse. Trust me I know. I've done it so many times I've lost count and I'm tired of it!
I agree with the others, some people are just more attractive to others. It is probably not even related to your weight. That is "you" talking. I know, I used to do that too and after watching the Oprah show all about the "The Law of Attraction" I stopped because what they were saying is the truth. "You get back what you put out." So if your putting out negative vibes about yourself, then what are ya gonna get back? Negativy.
I found that in my situation I had recently. So brush it off and I'd just be friends with those two guys, show them that it doesn't bother you at all. Go out and have FUN!! :carrot:
Okay there is my 2 cents, well okay 5 cents worth!!! lol. I know its "easier said than done" but really just try it once, see what happens!!! ;)
06-30-2008, 03:58 AM
06-30-2008, 04:05 AM
You are getting attention, but from the wrong guy and its not common. It happens to the best of us... skinny or fat. And most of us like people who it seems don't return those feelings. So you're not alone. But the thing is you cant use the 'I'm the fat friend' excuse because this has nothing at all to do with your weight.
I personally think that this guy did like you, but if his friend does too he's going to be a good friend. Don't feel too bad about it, it's just how life goes :hug:
06-30-2008, 05:40 AM
Don't you dare quit Missy!!
Look at well you have done!!
To be honest how it comes across to me is that the guy you like, likes YOU! But for whatever reason feels your off limits because his friend likes you... so may seem as if he is "off with you" but in actual fact does not want to step on anyones toes.
He wanted the details passed to you about the film..he told your friend to pass them to you!
Oh honey, I really feel for you...I know what its like to feel the fat friend..the "bubbly" one.. Your changing that with every single day! Don't you dare quit!
06-30-2008, 08:08 AM
I just seem to go through these enormous moodswings. I feel fantastic, I feel beautiful, and then I feel disgusting.
I think this is the core issue you're facing. I think whether it's one guy or the other is just the most recent example.
Have you considered counseling? Sometimes it helps to get the opinion of someone who isn't "a friend" and can give a more objective viewpoint. :)
Also I trust that you have other things in your life that you can turn your attention to. Cute boys come and go, but life continues... ;) Don't give up your weight loss program. Your health and fitness are hugely important--much more important than who likes whom. :yes:
06-30-2008, 11:29 AM
Totally agree with Jay. Whatever the problem is with the guy that you like, you've convinced yourself that your weight is the issue. But you already know that. I think your self esteem has taken a battering, you could do with revitalising it, and counselling would be a good way to kick that off.
Counselling may sound a bit drastic, but a sympathetic, empathetic ear can do wonders for you.
06-30-2008, 11:56 AM
Mini-rant about mindsets in regards to counseling/therapy:
Counselling may sound a bit drastic, but a sympathetic, empathetic ear can do wonders for you.
Why is it that counseling is seen as "drastic" by so many? :dizzy:
I know a lot of people feel that way, and I wish it were not so.
We work out, eat well, and try new things (exercises, foods) to get and stay physically fit, realizing that our bodies need to approach things from many ways to see results...Why not do the same for our minds?
Honestly, what's "drastic" is ignoring issues or refusing to address them in a healthy, productive manner.
06-30-2008, 12:06 PM
I guess that fear of counselling is simply fear of the unknown. The evry word 'counselling' can conjure up images of a broken mind and a total failure in life for those who have not experinced it.
The irony is that almost everyone who gets some good quality counselling takes away something positive from it.
06-30-2008, 12:28 PM
My master's degree is in developmental psychology, not counseling, and maybe it's my background, but I've gone to counseling several times in my life. I don't consider it drastic at all, in fact I think I've always been psychologically and emotionally strong. But there were times when I faced challenges and thought, "I'm not sure I know how to cope with this, or make this decision on my own, or how to feel about this, or how to stop feeling like this). And yet I wanted a truly objective viewpoint, not something a friend or relative might say to make me feel better - I wanted the TRUTH.
Counseling is great. For those who grew up Catholic, you know that feeling of fear going in and relief you get after you leave the confesional? That was the feeling I had going in and coming out of my first session, but the rest were like talking to a really good friend, one you had full confidence would NEVER in a million years tell anyone your "secrets".
Unlike a friend, a counselor isn't usually going to try to calm you down from a rant. You can go on as long and as hard as you need to. You don't have to worry about a counselor thinking you're "weird," because they have seen the weirdest.
I think we should all grow up having a family counselor, the way they have a family doctor.
06-30-2008, 10:57 PM
I get great counseling right her at 3FC!
Just as I think VIKKIVMA is getting here
My advice, since I really don't know how all the players in this 4-some are playing their cards, is to take it slow, day by day, and wait for good things to happen.
06-30-2008, 11:45 PM
I think that's precisely what concerns me - that I'm going to start doing this for someone else, rather than myself. I want to be thin for me. I don't want to have type 2 diabetes or heart failure, as runs in my family. I don't want to never have worn a bikini or feel sexy in a black dress, etc.
As for the negative feelings, that's definitely true. I went out tonight feeling good, and I feel like people responded.
I'm glad that the positivity worked!!! I know its extremely difficult to remain positive all time, trust me. I just had a negative moment! Then I remembered the advice I had given you and I "took my own advice" lol. I am with you, I wanna do this for me, to make my life even better, to enjoy it, all of it.
07-01-2008, 09:47 AM
07-01-2008, 10:01 AM
I understand your pain. It seems as if everybody else knows better and the "fat friend" should never have romantic feelings.... :nono: But that is WRONG! :cp:
07-01-2008, 03:03 PM
I have no problem with counselling, I just don't really have the money for that at the moment. And I agree with EZ - this place can serve very well as somewhere where you have objective, yet supportive, people listening to your concerns and providing answers.
I was crying in my room an hour before I was supposed to leave for the movies, and when I left I felt confident and strong, and the result was that it seems as though I was wrong about the whole thing. But I wouldn't have been able to see that if I hadn't had support or encouragement for the people here.
It's a place to vent, but it's also a way to get people who are going through the same thing to help one-another.
Like Sassy Chick said - through giving me advice, she could also see that the same advice would work for her.
I refer to 3fc as a therapist who is available 24/7. :D
07-02-2008, 12:55 PM
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