Weight Loss Support - Sabotage
06-29-2008, 04:41 PM
Sabotage is a deliberate action aimed at weakening an enemy, oppressor or employer through subversion, obstruction, disruption, and/or destruction.
Why does it seem like the happier one is the more people there are around trying to sabotage all you have worked so hard for?! I have them coming out of the woodwork since my 100 pound weight loss.
My story begins as such and I will try and make a long story short. I gave birth to my daughter April 20th, 2005. My weight the day I returned home from the hospital was 263.5 pounds. I have been on my weight loss journey from that day until present. It has taken me over 3 years now to lose the weight I have and to try and keep it off. Last summer I gained 15 pounds back over a period of 3 months. I was very stressed with my husband losing his job, him going back to school, and having to sell our home. My focus wasn't on my weight loss at that point. Anyway, my mother called me about a month ago and proceeded to tell me how I let myself go. Like I had gained back all the one hundred pounds. Talk about a kick to the gut. Then last summer before my 15 pound gain my husbands exwife came to drop off my stepdaughter and said "look at you skinny". Well from that point on she proceeded to get down to 118 pounds and didn't miss the moment to come show it off. So now I'm depressed over my mother's comments , but yet pissed over the exwife trying to show me up. The competitive person wants to show her up back yet the depressed side of me wants to curl up in bed with a pizza and some ho hos. My sister calls me everyday to ask how much I weigh. It's like everyone is so concerned about me getting down to their weight. Why? It's like I can't have my moment!! Someone is always trying to steal it from me!! Why? Why are these people doing this? To top it off my husband has never commented on my weight loss . Like he hasn't even noticed!!! What is wrong with these people?
Has anyone else ever been in this situation? If so what did you do? What would you do in this situation?
06-29-2008, 04:49 PM
You can't live your life based around what other people think. So your Mom made an insensitive comment. So your husband's ex is jealous enough to try to show you up.
So what. Those are THEIR issues. Not yours. No one can "steal" your progress from you - your weight loss is YOURS. It's your accomplishment and it's only stolen from you if you let it happen.
Now, that said, I do think your husband should have said something, but then again, he may not want to hurt your feelings by commenting that you were fat and now aren't. That's something I would simply address directly with him ... "Honey, it really hurts my feelings that youv'e never noticed or said anything about all the weight I've lost."
Husbands shouldn't be made to read your mind. Tell him how you feel - calmly and nicely, not in anger. See where that leads you.
06-29-2008, 05:25 PM
Wow! Congratulations on a 100 pound loss. Good for you.
As for the 15 pound gain, you've seen it and I believe are working to take those pounds back off. You're on the right track.
I'm not sure I'm seeing the sabotage, nor do I completely understand from your post how you want people to behave differently.
Your Mom's comments are unfortunate. Only you know if she meant them as encouragement to get restarted, was being critical or what. What did you want her to do? Say nothing? Take them as motivation if you need it. :kickbutt:
Your husband's exes comment, "look at you skinny", I'd take as a complement. The fact that she's currently working on her weight has nothing to do with you and your weight loss. What do you want her to do differently? Not lose weight? :dizzy:
Your husband has never commented. Perhaps he doesn't know what to say that won't put him in the doghouse. What about his behavior. Is he eating the same things you're eating, without complaining about old foods and eating patterns lost? Is he bringing home foods that sabotage you? Or is he quietly supporting you? :val2:
Is your sister asking about your weight to show her interest and encouragement? Maybe she doesn't know any other way to let you know she sees what you're doing and she's supporting you. :hug:
I'm not sure what you want folks to do. If they notice your gain (or loss) and comment, it's not right. If they don't say anything, it's not right. Meanwhile, don't overlook the fact that you've done an incredible thing. You've lost 100 pounds and kept 85 off. You're not done yet, so don't worry about what others say. Just focus on what you want to do. :yoga:
06-29-2008, 07:48 PM
I need to add that I have taken off the 15 pounds plus another 4. I just get frustrated I guess and needed to vent. I do understand that my husband may not want to say anything like "yeah you were a big one" incase I do gain the weight back. He does order pizza and bring snacks in, but I know it's up to me to control my urges. Thanks for your comments. I now feel like I was acting like a big baby about it. It is true that I allow how I let people treat me or allow how things they do affect me. I do hope my outlook on the situation changes. I'm not upset with my husband I am more upset with the fact that when I got close to my sisters weight she lost 20 pounds and when I got close to the exwifes weight she lost 45 pounds. I guess I should be flattered to have inspired them. I'll quit feeling sorry for myself soon..lol.
06-29-2008, 08:20 PM
It's OK, Jellybean! This is a place where you have people to hold your hand and say, "Yeah, those people who hurt you are just jerks sometimes!". Then, we wipe your tears and say "put on your big girl panties and GO GET WHAT YOU WANT, SISTER!" That is the best part about being a strong woman- choosing what is important to YOU! Your weight loss victory is amazing! You are an amazing person to accomplish this goal! Look forward- what is your next challange? Let no ex-s or well-meaning but annoying family members hold you back! And vent whenever you need to- it's good to get it out so that you can leave the sour feelings behing you.
Then last summer before my 15 pound gain my husbands exwife came to drop off my stepdaughter and said "look at you skinny". Well from that point on she proceeded to get down to 118 pounds and didn't miss the moment to come show it off. So now I'm depressed over my mother's comments , but yet pissed over the exwife trying to show me up. The competitive person wants to show her up back yet the depressed side of me wants to curl up in bed with a pizza and some ho hos.
She's the ex, you're not. No competition. ;)
Congrats on the weight loss!
06-29-2008, 09:55 PM
You guys are so wonderful. I really appreciate your encouragement. I've been surrounding myself with such negitive people it's obviously starting to rub off on me. Maybe I need to hang around here (3fc) more often.
06-29-2008, 10:10 PM
People are often threatened by change (even change they think they want). I think it often lurkes behind what we think of as self-sabotage. The status quo, even if it's not pleasant offers a stability that change doesn't. With change, I think there's a strong (possibly instinctive) fear of uncertainty - "anything can happen."
I think intentional sabotage (directed at ourselves or other people) is rare. Not because we don't all have evil impulses, but because most people are too wrapped up in their own needs to intentionally go out of their way to hurt someone else.
That doesn't make it feel any better when we get stung by someone's careless remarks or behavior, but it does help to know that it says more about them than it does about us.
Even self-sabotage doesn't necessarily have any deep, dark subconscious nerosis behind it. Change is often difficult, even great changes. Old habits are hard to break. I mean how many times do we catch ourselves saying stuff like "wow, that was really fun, we should do this more often" and no matter what "this" was, instead we go back to our old habits and routines.
Change requires intent and effort, even when you'd think it wouldn't. People live alot of their lives on auto-pilot or at least cruise control. It takes a lot of effort to take over the controls manually.
06-30-2008, 03:04 AM
I think it's fantastic that your husbands ex is so insecure she has to try and beat you :) like ars said- No competition :)
I find that the minute I start losing weight, or more weight rather.. people tend to watch me and say...'Wow, you look great, I so need to lose weight too' as a means of supporting me so I don't feel like such a dork when we go out lol :) But others are just so insecure that they see you looking better and feel they should try and look better... sigh- are we never happy? lol
07-01-2008, 12:52 AM
Everybody's copying you, everybody's jealous of you, way to go! You're a giant amongst women. (Well, you're a not actually, but you know what I mean!). Where you lead, others follow, what you have achieved, others can only aspire to. So quit empowering this people to hurt you, it's THEY that have the problems, not you.
07-01-2008, 09:17 AM
I agree with what has been said so far, but I would add...
Tell your sister and your husband what you want and how they can be supportive. Remember that change is disruptive. I once lost 99 pounds (and gained it all back) and my skinny, beautiful sister confessed to me that while she was really happy she also found it threatening...she had always been the "pretty one" (I am the smart one) and she thought I was prettier than she was naturally and now that I was slim it was hard for her. That was a hard confession, and it came from someone who was totally supportive of my weight loss!
There is a lot of research about the fact that when folks stop drinking their marriages end. It seems that even though their spouse wants them sober, the marriage doesn't survive the change, a positive change. I'm not suggesting that your marriage won't survive, only that such a major change is a really hard shock on the system and relationships.
As to the ex-wife. I still remember dating my husband while he said something about his exwife having "blown up" and now wearing a size 8. I was sitting in a 14 at the time, and he thought I looked great! Your husband loves you and chose you...and obviously your size didn't prevent him from loving you at 263...or chosing to be with his exwife at 118.
Stay in charge of your life...be active, not reactive!