Weight Loss Support - VENT/unsupportive family
06-23-2008, 12:28 AM
Sorry Folks but I just have to vent. My mom is not very supportive of my weight loss journey or me looking for a full time job in order to pay the bills and be able to keep my tummy full and have a roof over my head and have medical insurance so I can go see a dentist and right now neither is my husband being supportive either bringing in cake, cookies, and other yummy stuff. I have a great job opportunity possibly that will start in August being a teacher's aide which is great since I'm a education/teaching major and would give me fantastic experience plus look good on my resume and when I called all excited to tell my mom my mom just cried and was like "you'll never finish college now" and kept bringing up negative aspects about the job since she used to work as a teacher's aide herself. The last straw-I just got a long email from my mom going on and on about a family friend who has always been obese since I've been a little girl and how they went out to eat a couple of nights ago and how she looks fantastic and got the lap band done last year and blah blah blah-how I used to be so pretty and could have done some modeling and if I lost weight maybe I would enjoy shopping more again and all these other things. UHMM gee thanks I already feel ugly enough. But yet every time I eat with her which is not often anymore because of everything I'm about to say- she pushes food at me and comments on how little I am eating and how I should have some more and "have some dessert" blah blah. It's just I AM SICK AND TIRED OF PEOPLE TELLING ME THEIR OPINIONS ON MY PERSONAL LIFE WHEN I DIDN'T EVEN ASK FOR ONE!!:mad::mad::devil::devil::devil: In addition to all of this I had to go to the ER this past Wednesday for chest pain/asthma problems and I'm stressed enough as it is. I would love some great smart/witty comments to say back when someone tells me an opinion that I did not even ask for. Any suggestions? I know some of you gals and gents have some good zingers and could use a laugh.
06-23-2008, 01:06 AM
Well, I can see by your profile you're married. Any kids? You could always offer them to your mom to torture. Or promise her your future kids. It's what I do with my mom.
06-23-2008, 01:38 AM
No kids yet and quite honestly I'm not sure if I would leave my future kids alone with her since she is so insensitive and dramatic while she cries at the drop of a dime at any imagined slight. I'm constantly having to apologize to her.
06-23-2008, 01:54 AM
hmm. I'm a little too tired to come up with any better zingers, but I will say as a teacher, that the teacher's aide job is a good idea, provided you can take classes at night for college. It does look good on a resume, and you could get a great letter of reference from your teacher that you'll be working with.
06-23-2008, 03:27 AM
Tell them the truth that they are on your last nerve and its jumping or maybe hold your finger up and tell them to hold that thought and then go on with what you were doing or go into another room ...as if you forgot they were trying to tell you what you didn't want to hear. .
06-23-2008, 05:31 AM
she is so insensitive and dramatic while she cries at the drop of a dime at any imagined slight. I'm constantly having to apologize to her.
has your mother ever mentioned a long-lost sister? cos it sounds like your mom and mine could be almost the same woman. the last three times i've seen her she keeps bringing up the story of how my cousin lost all that weight she'd been carrying by cutting out wheat from her diet, and then innocently asks me if i eat a lot of bread. i've told her i don't eat bread, or pasta, or cakes, or cookies, but she still keeps happening to mention that bloody story. while she sits and eats bread and pasta and complains about how she can't lose weight.
and she wonders why i don't visit.
06-23-2008, 09:53 AM
The week after I re-started this weight loss way of life, my mother (who has struggled with obesity all her life) called to say she was bringing over 3 quiches.
I told her I didn't want them. "I'm trying to lose weight!"
She said, "You can put them in the freezer."
I said, "Till when? Till I decide to get fat again?"
She was not happy with me.
I also have an elderly relative who keeps saying, "Maybe this time, you'll keep it off!" She also likes to say, "Exercise is so boring! How do you make yourself do it?" and "So, how are your troubles with food?" That's my favorite. My troubles with food. Like I'm having fistfights with chocolate cake.
I just laugh and move on. Their comments are about their issues, not mine. I'm doing great.
06-23-2008, 10:29 AM
Well you will find people incredibly unsupportive sometimes. People do get threatened when other people change. You just have to stay focused on your goal. When you get unsolicited advice just say, "Oh don't worry! I have this under control!" If they keep on just repeat yourself, "Really, it's under control. I am doing what works for me!!!"
Soon enough you'll start hearing about your Mom's friends who get too braggy about their weight loss and how tired everyone is of hearing about and how she hopes you don't get like that....when you hear that you'll know you're really rockin' it ! ;)
06-23-2008, 10:43 AM
Zingers won't help really. All it will do is make them nod knowingly and say "ah, she's under stress" or "it must be the diet that's making her b*tchy".
And really, zingers just lower you to their level.
I'd keep it short and honest.
"Mom, you're not helping me or being supportive like this. My weight/diet is not open for discussion any more. Let's change the subject."
"Mom, I called you because I was happy about this opportunity. You're not being supportive, so I'm going to go now. I'll talk to you later."
"Mom you tell me I'm fat and then you push food at me - it's very hurtful that you don't support me. Please don't do it again."
And there's a huge amount of value in remaining calm, and hanging up or walking away. Once family members realize that they cannot bait you into reacting (because your reaction is part of what they *need* out of the interaction), they're less likely to keep doing it.
I'm sorry that your mom is less than supportive ... and it's no fun to have to be the "grown up" with your own parents.
Good luck to you in standing up and letting her know that her behavior is not acceptable. :)
06-23-2008, 10:50 AM
This is why I don't really talk to my mom much unless I have to. She does the exact same thing and the way I look at it now is that she has to have something to b*tch about when it comes to me so she can do it behind my back now lol I told her that while I still love her I am not going to allow her to be like this towards me and if the only way to stop her was to not contact her then so be it.
I have distanced myself from those type of people and I'm not at all as stressed out as I used to be ;)
I would just be honest with her, as PhotoChick suggested. My mother has always been pretty supportive of my attempts to lose weight, though she has like NO willpower of her own, and sometimes that rubs off on me.
ANYWAYS... about two years ago, my fiance moved from Europe to the US and he's been staying with my parents and me at our house ever since. He has a job, has learned English, is planning to go back to school and helps out A LOT around the house (he remodeled our entire hallway). I also have a fulltime job and I'm in grad school, so neither of us are moochers. But we don't pay rent (seriously, neither of us make enough) and we live in the basemet apartment downstairs from my parents. My mother really likes my fiance, but whenever there is any kind of tension, between me and my parents, me and my mother, and etc. she ALWAYS throws the fact that we're living there back in my face, saying: "HOW CAN YOU ARGUE WITH ME!!? WE'RE LETTING YOU LIVE WITH US!!!" etc.
I am of the school that says, if you do something nice for someone, DO IT, and then accept their thanks and shut up about it. If it is a burden, then DOn'T DO IT. After several months of this kind of thing, I finally told her, point blank: If us living with you is a big burden, then we will leave as soon as humanly possible. If it's NOT a burden, then STOP THROWING IT BACK IN MY FACE!"
Be honest with your mom (and husband!) about how you feel. Tell your mom that your diet/body/looks/etc. are off-limits and that if she cares about you, she would stop offering you foods ANYONE with half a mind would realize are not conducive to weight loss.
Your mother seems a bit like mine -- easily offended/in tears, you having to constantly apologize to her, etc. It's a manipulative ploy, I'm sorry to say. I love my mother dearly, but I *KNOW* no normal person cries so easily UNLESS they're angling for some kind of payoff (you apologize, feel bad, she wins, gets her way, etc.) Don't buy into it anymore -- I tell my mother, straight out, when she is crying for no reason and she usually stops because she realizes it's not going to get to me. You can tell when someone is crying genuinely and when they're doing it to manipulate.
06-23-2008, 01:56 PM
KLK- I agree with the school of thought that- if you do something nice for me accept my thanks and move on don't bring it up whenever you're upset with me. My mom does that too and I have gotten to the point where if something happens while we are visiting with each other I get up and leave and go home in order to prevent me from getting upset for days afterwards.
Photochick-you're right saying some pretty good zingers does lower you to their level. So I guess I'll just keep doing what I do already just look at the person whoever it is and not respond at all and then move on to another subject.
In regards to talking to my mom-I have been honest with her about her behavior/comments repeatedly and how it is hurtful and she still does all of the above insisting that is how she is being supportive and she's just concerned about me and etc. I have just come to the conclusion that our ideas of what is supportive are very different. I went to counseling a year ago due to these issues popping up while I was taking care of my mom 24/7-she has been very sick for the past 5 years and her doctors say it is a miracle she has survived what she has and feeling like I was the crazy one and the one that was wrong and my counselor quickly assured me that I was doing the best thing by removing myself from the situation and calmly pointing out that was not nice and etc. It gave me the courage to move on with my life and stop taking care of her so much and be able to focus on me and my marriage and going to college and having a job. I still at times need to vent like I'm sure we all do! :-) I also have gotten to the point where I just do not tell her specific things any more unfortunately due to knowing what she would say and etc.
06-23-2008, 02:38 PM
Glad you decided to vent here instead of at your mom or husband. :) It's really difficult to put up with what seems like intrusive comments. I'd say you're right to follow your counselor's advice and limit your contact if you need to. After all, you're an adult, and you can make your own decisions about the job and such. (It's hard for parents to get that sometimes, the poor dear things.)
Hang in there! :cheer3: