So I've been dating my current bf for nearly two years. He is a beautiful, intelligent, compassionate man, and I feel very, very lucky to have him in my life. Most of the time, I feel like he understands me better than anyone else I have ever known.
What he DOESN'T understand is my decision to lose weight. He loves me just as I am and has a hard time understanding why I'm not happy with my body as it is.
I've explained to him that 172 lbs. is not a "healthy" weight for a 5'5" woman. I've told him that I worry about health problems later in life. Over the last few years, I've watched my morbidly obese grandmother deal with all kinds of weight-related issues. She can no longer walk without assistance. I've watched my dad go on and off starvation diets - there was a period when he was eating nothing but salad; right now he's eating only at night - because he fears winding up like my grandmother. I've explained to my bf that I want to have children in a few years, and I want to have my weight under control before I venture down that path. And, although I'm pretty comfortable with how I look, I wouldn't mind feeling sexier in a swimsuit.
For some reason, my decision to diet really worries him. I'm not entirely sure why. He half-jokingly refers to what I'm doing as my "starvation diet" (it's not - I'm eating 1300-1500 healthy calories a day). We've gone round and round about this, and he's finally said that if this is what I want to do he'll support me, he just doesn't want me to be hungry. Well, I certainly don't want to be hungry either! But I'm not. And if I get hungry, I'll eat.
My theory is that this is difficult for him to understand because NO ONE in his family has ever struggled with their weight. He is naturally thin. He's an inch or so taller than me, and I outweight him by more than 20 lbs.! Hence, he knows very little about dieting except that "most diets don't work."
I appreciate his concern, but I want him to trust me to know what's right for my body and my health.
I'm just wondering if any of you have signifcant others who have had a hard time understanding your decision to diet. :?:
06-19-2008, 04:16 PM
My husband loves than I'm working on my eating habits and exercising. He can't keep his hands off me when I've just finished a workout. He even got us a membership to the ymca so we could both go to lift weights together. I can't imagine him NOT wanting me to lose weight. His support and enthusiasm really helps me chug along.
06-19-2008, 04:20 PM
My fiance is supportive, even though he is more or less totally uninvolved in this process (as I prefer it!). He likes that I've dropped a clothing size so far and he's been offering me lots of compliments lately ;) saying I look beautiful and how flat my stomach is looking.
BUT... he can also be the WORST influence on me, not bc he tempts me with food and lethargy, but because when I see him drinking a quart of chocolate milk, I kinda wanna have some too (though he doesn't offer me any, like I commanded him not to lol), or when he's lying in bed watching TV, *I* wanna lie in bed with him instead of working out. He does work out with me sometimes, but not so so much.
06-19-2008, 04:32 PM
Like KLK, my guy is totally uninvolved in the process (which is great! in my opinion) but he's very, very good about complimenting, and staring, and showing me off - which is incredible motivation. He did this even before the dieting, but now it seems even more genuine.
Our only problem is now that I'm losing weight, he wants me to join him on much more extreme sports (He's an Alaska outdoorsy guy), and there's no way my body is ready for THAT yet. Which bums me out a lot. But I know he's just excited to be able to show me all the stuff he loves to do. It's just still embarrassing to have to explain to him that I'm not -there- yet.
06-19-2008, 04:34 PM
I guess the idea of weight loss and portion control is as foreign to a naturally thin guys as it is for those of us who cannot understand eating large meals and anything we want and not gain weight.
06-19-2008, 04:36 PM
If he thinks you look great as you are, he may not understand that you really weigh more than is considered a healthy weight (by medical standards). If he sees you as healthy, then he might subconsciously be seeing the desire to lose weight as a hint of an eating disorder ("starvation" diet commentary)...Since you know it isn't, I wouldn't worry too much about it, just let him know you're not dieting, just finding healthier things to eat and moving more. Remind him that a healthy body has better sex... ;)
06-19-2008, 06:02 PM
My husband isn't very supportive of my weight loss efforts. Actually I take that back. Since I have become morbidly obese in the last 3 years, he's a little more supportive right now, but then again I'm still huge, and no other man has looked my way yet. I'm free to come and go as I please. (For shopping, work & School functions etc.). In past experiences I have found that when I hit around 180ish and start turning a few heads he will be out to sabotage me. It never fails. He'll bring home loads of crappy junk food and my favorite sweet liquor drinks. He'll begin to complain if I leave the house for any reason. If I do manage to get out for a weekly Wal-mart shopping trip, he'll call me 10 times on my cell phone. If I turn it off, he'll be at Wal-mart looking for me...and NO I have never cheated, or given him a reason to not trust me in the 20 years we've been together. He wants me fat and depressed so I feel worthless, and grateful he keeps me around. He's just a pig.
Wow, I just reread my post... PMS has offically begun!! He's really not so bad...:)
06-19-2008, 07:01 PM
My *ex* boyfriend was concerned when i wanted to change my diet. Like yours, he was thin and his family really didn't have anyone in it that struggled with their weight, so he really didn't understand. Grant it, I'm a boisterous 350 although I don't look it. Losing weight period is my best interest. He was convinced that I was overreacting and that I didn't need to lose weight and my "chubbiness" was just fine. After explaining to him my family history etcetcetc, he was very supportive of me in my choices :)
He's an ex for another reason lololol
06-19-2008, 07:04 PM
Yeah, I've been with my guy for almost 3 1/2 years and when I met him he was skinnier than me, but he's slowly gained and now he's trying to lose.
He's got insecurities though, he loves me at any weight but he feels like I've changed to the point where me trying to get thin and caring about my looks so much means I am going to "realize" I can do better and leave him.
It gets irritating at times, I mean he is still supportive but sometimes he mentions that and I get so annoyed. I have no intention of leaving him, and I think part of me becoming more confident is me just growing up, and I've always been overweight, my family has a history of weight-related issues, especially diabetes, and I know that losing weight when you are younger is the best time to do so. I want to enjoy my 20's but it has nothing to do with leaving him.
I think a lot of it has to do with stuff he's going through as well, so I try not to mention things about my weight or the "girly" stuff as much to him... plus he is trying to lose weight too, so I'm going to see how the end of the summer plays out. We're long-distance too and he also had issues with me going to college, he was scared I was going to leave him and blah blah.. I think things just need to improve on his side with all that he's dealing with..
06-19-2008, 08:53 PM
I don't think he is the least bit insecure as far as our relationship goes - in fact, I think he feels more secure than I do. He's a scientist, so maybe I need to find some scientific articles on weight loss and send them his way.
06-19-2008, 09:07 PM
Some guys do appreciate heavier, curvier women - it could just be that he finds you very attractive as you are, and is afraid of seeing change. If he cares, he will respect you for wanting to become healthier. I wouldn't worry too much!
06-20-2008, 02:29 PM
I talked with him again last night and feel like I better understand his hesitance. He didn't want me to feel like HE wanted me to lose weight. He wanted me to know that he thinks I'm sexy and beautiful and that weight loss won't change his feelings for me. He said he'd support me 100% if I think this is what's best for me.
If only people would just say what they mean in the first place!
06-21-2008, 01:29 PM
:hug: Darlin', I understand EXACTLY what you are going through, but I also have GOOD news: his attitude towards this will most likely improve! :)
When I first started losing weight, my girlfriend was slightly apprehensive. She thought it was good that I was trying to lose weight (but only 'cause the idea of being thinner made me happy; she thought I was beautiful at my HW and didn't think I was fat or unhealthy, either), but then decided that my method of weight loss was ridiculously strict. Like you, I usually ate 1300-1500 healthy calories a day, as well as cardio and strength training. She thought I was taking my weight loss to an extreme and that I shouldn't be so obsessive about it (in her words, not mine, of course -- we ALL know it takes A LOT of dedication to lose weight!)
She said she believed I would be too boney at 125 pounds and that she didn't even know if she would be attracted to me... however, I have maintained my loss for over six months now and she thinks it's just fine, is proud of me, and compliments me on my toned physique.
Of course, she is naturally thin, eats whatever she wants, never exercises, and knows NOTHING about healthy weight loss. Until me, she just thought that if you exercise often and eat a few vegetables here and there, you will lose weight. :rolleyes:
Your boyfriend will come around once he realizes that your weight loss is making you happier and healthier. While he may initially object, your persistance and perserverance in the matter will cause him to eventually be supportive. :)
06-21-2008, 01:59 PM
I totally understand this topic. I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. He is about 6 or 7 inches taller than I am and generally thin. And of course I weigh 20+lbs more than he does.
We had gone out to eat at Chili's and he had a cheeseburger (3 dif types of cheese and the burger was about 2 lbs of meat) with thick strips of bacon on it. I had grilled fish, vegetables and rice. It was then I told him I was "going on a diet." Next thing I know he's choking on his beer and asking me for a minute to compose himself. I asked him if he was surprised and he said "Yes!". That was last Saturday.
Since then I've walked home from work everyday (it's at least 3 miles from where I live and the first day I got lost and it ended up being like 5). I've changed my eating habits as well. And he has already suggested that I not walk home everyday. And last Tuesday he suggested Pizza for dinner. I declined. Luckily he's in Vegas till Tuesday so he can't sabotage me.
I don't know why he wouldn't be in total support of this. But I think it is going to take him a bit of time to get used to. I think he's just worried about me. Not sure why, but I suppose he is.
08-19-2008, 01:03 PM
How do you deal with a significant other sabotaging your diet? I've been trying to lose 10 lbs for the past few months and have lost 5 so far. My fiance will open up a bottle of beer or wine and want to share. I have found that alcohol causes me to gain weight so I have been trying to stay away from it. he gets upset if I don't want any.
08-19-2008, 01:08 PM
That's great that you were able to talk in more detail with him and come to an understanding. :) I think change, even good change, is just hard no matter what. :)
08-19-2008, 01:08 PM
Did you explain to him thats why youre not drinking, and ask him to support you instead of tempting you?
08-19-2008, 01:26 PM
I was going to say that it sounds to me like you just have a fabulous guy who thinks you're already perfect - it sounds like he just really wants the best for you and really wants you to be happy. That's a treasure. And because he feels that way and is that kind of person, he'll support you as long as your going for healthy.
But he beat me to the punch!
You hear so much about the pressure to be thin, and society really does apply that pressure. But in real life, there are so many men who just love women, and we go and assume they want us to be the same way that society does. And they don't.
08-19-2008, 01:48 PM
interesting topic and i can honestly say that i think i'm doing this to my husband! I have been so worried about him, but maybe i shouldn't be. in my case, i'm not concerned about him losing all his weight and leaving me or anything like that- i'm scared he's going to collapse or die. He's been restricting his calories to like 1500 or so (he's a big man, 6 foot 4 and about 265 to start) and has been exercising a minimum of an hour a day - sometimes up to three hours- without a single day of rest. He's been doing it for a month and has lost about 18 lbs. I'm happy for him for the weight loss but I'm scared for him- since he's also started taking all these herbal supplements and stuff too.
As for me- instead of supporting me- I feel like he's pushing and criticizing me. I will fail every diet if I can't have a little dessert for instance, so I've been picking out something small, low in calories, like a tofutti cutie or a small piece of gourmet chocolate- and he just can't stand it! He also doesn't like my half hour of exercise. My thought is, if I go slow and steady I will win the race, where he is going to burn out and then stop all together. I'm sure we're both right AND both wrong- but we can't seem to support or motivate each other at all right now.
08-19-2008, 06:25 PM
I'm sure we're both right AND both wrong- but we can't seem to support or motivate each other at all right now.
That's so hard! It sounds to me like your approaches to weight loss are just very different. You need a little dessert to succeed; he doesn't want to be tempted AT ALL. You're taking a more moderate approach (that's sustainable for you), and he's going full throttle.
Maybe you should set some time aside to sit down together and talk about your respective choices regarding food and exercise. It might help if each of you explains to the other what your needs are and your rationale for choosing the plans you've chosen. Then just agree to stay out of each other's way. ;)
That said, I'd be worried too - 1500/day for a big guy? I'm now eating around 1600/day and losing steadily. Yikes.
08-22-2008, 02:51 AM
yeah- he's had a lot of success i think he's probably lost about 18-20 lbs in the last 5 weeks. good for him and all. but i do worry.
we did have a sit down and yell more then talk- but i think he understands where i'm coming from now. i'm trying to understand where he's coming from too. this week when i hurt my back he didn't get mad at me for not working out as much as he thought i should- i think that's a big step for him, and i haven't said anything at all to him about starving himself. :D We're getting there. I think we can both attain our goals- it'll just take me a little bit longer to get to mine.