100 lb. Club - I cant even express how i feel anymore




CHUNKEY_MUNKEY
06-17-2008, 06:43 PM
I Dont Know How To Express How i Feel Anymore , My Husband is Incredibly Unsupportive Of My Attempt To Loose Weight

For Example He'll Say "Lets Go Eat At The Cheesecake Factory! , -- Oh I Forgot That You Cant"

I Know Evreyone Thinks That Its An Honest Mistake But I Honestly Know Its Not , He Does This All the Time Literally Every Day Some Days He Would Do It More Than One Time ,

I Notice Him Glancing At Other Girls , Right In Frount Of My Face Or Worse Yet .... In Frount Of Other People And When I Say Anything He Gets All Loud And Embaressas Me And Says That im Paranoid . I Dont Know Who To Talk To My Friends Simply Say Leave Him And My Parents Sympathise With Him , They Dont Blame Him For Not Wanting To Be With Me Because im Fat , And I Know That Its Probably Not The Most Fun In The World Having A Fat Wife , But Is The Way I Look The Only Thing That Matters ? Am I Living In A Fantasy World Thinking That Other Things ABout Me Compensate For My Weight ?

Is This My Fault For Not Having Lost The Weight Before Our Marriage Came To This .......

I Honestly Dont Think He Wants To Be With Me Anymore Because Of My Weight , But He Just Dosent Know How To Say It


winning the war
06-17-2008, 07:09 PM
I don't know you or your hubby, but I don't think your weight is the problem w/ your marriage. I can't say whether you should stay or leave, but I can say that you don't have to tolerate the disrespect from your husband or your parents. Your weight and size is just a part of who you are, and a small part at that. Have you considered going to counselling? By yourself first, and then maybe couples if he's willing. If not, what about clergy? People should be married because they love the person they're with, the whole person, no matter what. I hope you will find your way through this. Sending hugs your way.:hug::hug::hug:

Jenny

Starrynight
06-17-2008, 07:10 PM
Wow, if he doesn't want to be with you because of your weight than he doesn't deserve you. That's so terrible, and it's not like you aren't trying to lose weight!
He has no respect for you at all. I'm sorry, I agree with your friends.
You could try talking to him and explain that it isn't right for him to constantly put you down, especially about your weight, and if he really is uncomfortable with your weight, he should be supporting you. I mean, you could try and talk to him but he won't change unless he wants to. If he doesn't want to then you are wasting your time with him. You shouldn't have to feel so low about yourself from the person you married.
I have a question, are you desi? I'm asking because I am desi and I know in our culture, being skinny and light-skinned are two things that equal beautiful, and anyone else will never cut it. Also, I've seen my fair share of how desi men can act and be. So I can kind of emphasize with the way you feel, but do what is best for yourself!
Keep yourself in mind no matter what, being overweight doesn't make you less of a person and if your husband doesn't see that then he is beyond blind.
:hug: Just take care of yourself and lose weight for yourself, not for anyone else! :hug:


Here we go again
06-17-2008, 07:12 PM
First, just let me say that you are beautiful!

Maybe he's giving you a hard time because deep down he's afraid that he's going to lose you because you're bettering yourself unlike him. Maybe his issue isn't weight but obviously the man has issues if he needs to belittle you and looks at other women in front of you.

If you want to lose weight than do it! Which you are! I don't know you, but I'm proud of you, it's hard to stick with something if you have zero support. You are doing a good job and just keep going.

Do you feel that you can talk to him about it in private and how it makes you feel? Do you think he would listen to you explain how this makes you feel?

Ailey60
06-17-2008, 08:10 PM
Hi- I'm so sorry for how much his attitudes and behaviors must hurt your feelings. :( Everyone has expressed my thoughts so well. There's not much i can add.

I agree with Winning the War" re getting counseling for yourself and maybe eventually your husband as well; with a professional counselor or a supportive clergy person. You deserve support for what you are doing. Weight loss is hard enough without also having to deal with an unsupportive husband and parents too. I also agree with the statement that you are more than your weight, most definitely... so much wisdom here at 3fatchicks.

I also agree with "Here we go again's" statement that maybe deep down he is afraid of you losing weight and so is trying to sabotage your attempts by "forgetting" about your efforts and asking you to go out to eat and humiliating you by blatantly looking at other women in front of you.

Here is something i hope you can hold onto: His comments and actions speak about him and his problems rather than about you and yours. I'm absolutely convinced of this. In my experience people who are insecure and unhappy with themselves often try to make themselves feel better by building themselves up by putting others down. Try to surround your heart with the warmth and support of your friends and the caring people at this site as you continue addressing your weight issues and continue to think about and decide what you need to do about your unhappy situation.

Wishing you lots of :hug::hug::hug: and support and wisdom.

Warmly,

HeatherAngel
06-17-2008, 10:03 PM
Just my two cents - it IS hard for some men to overlook the weight - mine couldn't. :(

HOWEVER - if that is you in your avatar, then your husband is a blind idiot. You are gorgeous, and I don't hand out compliments lightly, I assure you. :nono:

Hang in there, and keep working on yourself - FOR YOU.

Heather :D

KLK
06-17-2008, 10:15 PM
He probably feels insecure since you're losing weight, getting healthier and thus, becoming more beautiful. Maybe he's afraid that as you drop the pounds and get healthier, YOU will lose interest in HIM. Or he will have to change something about himself to keep you interested. Even if that's not the case, people aren't fond of change and they are ESPECIALLY not fond of change when it involves someone redoing who they are completely. He may look at other women or whatever, and your family may say he's right to do so bc you're overweight (he's NOT right to do that, no matter how much you weigh, btw) but he's probably really comfortable having you this heavy... he expects you to be heavy; if you're heavy, you're "safe" and predictable. He probably makes those Cheesecake Factory announcements as an attempt to lure you back into your old, predictable habits, or to prove that you haven't changed and never will.

Of course, I don't know you, your husband or your relationship, but I know what its like to have to deal with personal relationships during a period of personal change (weightloss especially), and I can tell you, the people you often wish and EXPECT to be the most supportive often are NOT and you find that, to them, your personal attempt to better yourself and become healthier and more fit is like an assault on your relationship with them... and they do what they can to demoralize you and knock you off course (though of course they do it subtley and don't EVER admit what they're up to).

This doesn't mean your husband doesn't love you, imo, and I probably wouldn't leave my husband over this (unless there were lots of other factors at play)... but I would have a sit-down talk with him, just you and him. I would call him on his behavior and tell him (or remind him) how it makes you feel and why and how you plan to lose weight.

Otherwise, you will just have to ignore him and keep on your path and whats been working for you so far. :hug: Good luck...

Bunnababy
06-18-2008, 12:02 AM
I agree with Jenny. A spouse is supposed to love us unconditionally and it really hurts when they are judgemental. :hug: Just keep following your weight loss program for you and don't let this derail you. :hug:

CHUNKEY_MUNKEY
06-19-2008, 10:26 AM
first off thank you so much evreyone here is so supportive no joke , the inspiration here is what keeps me going and trying to push foward otherwise i would have gave up already , its not easy for me to feel the way i do and still try to loose weight i usually turn to an oversized bag of doritos for support ... which in turn makes me gain more weight and making me sadder than before .... you guys are wonderful :hugs:

I havent been on for a day or so because i was staying at my sisters house and she dosent have net acess .....

winning the war , i think your advice is good , ive put off getting cousnseling for fear that my family would think i was a nut job , but i dont care what they think anymore anyhow , im going to look into some counceling for myself this week ,

Starrynight you probably more than anyone know ecatcly how hard it is for me ( and yes im desi too :) ) because of our culture and how the men expect the world of us .... they want us to be fair and to be slim ( they even expect you to be slim after you have the baby ! ) they want you to cook , clean , do the laundry , run the errands , do the grocery shopping , do the ironing , and all the other little things in between its almost as if they want a better looking version of there mother ! its soo fustrating and then when you dont adhere to that the first thing is evreyone looks down on the girl , it always boils down to looks with us ......

Here We Go Again .... thank you , its so rarely that anyone pays me a compliment without adding an insult to the end of it ( i.e people like my mother who say things like " if you could loose some weight you could look beautiful " , thats always nice ) in any case it actually made me want to go and put on my makeup and do my hair today , something ive actually lost intrest in for a while ..... i honestly have tried talking to him he always turns it around somehow to make it seem like im in the wrong he has an innocent persona about him when anyone is around therefore making me look like the shrew so even when i try talking to people to see if they can help me the first thing they say is .... "he seems so easy going"
what do these people think ? if he wasent the jerk that i tell them he is , that means i complain about him for fun ? what kind of sicko do they take me for? ive talked to him till im blue in the face , of recently ive been on this weight loss journey and he's going out of his way to sabatoge it , its not like hes not slim , he is slim i dont see whats there to be upset about if i want to loose a few pounds ....


Ailey60 , i know , the amount of wisdom and support you get here is tremendous i dont know anyone on here personally but i feel like theyre all my best friends , no one here is fake ... you can feel it i appreciate your support and just the bare fact that you understand where im coming from and i hope your right about his comments and actions being about his problems and not mine, id like to think that the problem isnt always me .

Heather Angel , i guess some guys just cant deal with it , but that leaves me wondering would it have been more acceptable to the mass population if iwas slim and beautiful as well as uneducated , ill mannard , outright obnoxious, and a poor wife or is it better off that i be overweight, and average looking somewhat educated , an overall nice person , considerate , and goal oriented it seems like the world prefers the first one but i would choose the second in a husband or even a friend , it takes a good heart to be the second person the first person only cares about themselves , now dont get me wrong im not saying all slim people are like that im just saying if you had to choose between the two it looks like most men would take the first only because it seems like the personality of a chunky chick dosent matter but what matters is her size i guess the world is unfair and theres nothing anyone can do about it , what happned with your husband/boyfriend ? are you guys still together ? did he help you and encourage you to loose weight ? are you happy together?
and yes thats me , thanks :hugs: you made my day lolz

KLK , well ive been working on ignoring him , i guess that works the best because talking to him even calling his behavior out is like talking to a blank wall ive called him on it several times and all he can do is put on his best innocent face and say it was an accident i cant belive you would think that im trying to pull you off course .... ( 5 minutes later he wants to know if i want icescream from cold stone [my favorite ice cream place !!] ) he does it intentionaly and i know that , but what i dont understand is he's the one who makes nasty comments about my weight and tells me i need to loose weight evrey minute of evrey day , so why is he also trying to derail me ?

bunnababy i thought so too , i thought that the people near and dear to you are supposed to love you no matter what , i would love him no matter what , but i guess it dosent always work both ways ....

well thank you so much evreyone for the advice and the support i cant tell you how much it helps to have people who understand you and can really sympathize with you :hugs:

CHUNKEY_MUNKEY
06-19-2008, 10:27 AM
sorry about the long post :/

TamTam
06-19-2008, 10:33 AM
Honey you are so beautiful!! No one, no matter what size, deserves to be disrespected, embarrased or put down. I think you have to sit down think and pray for guidance in reference to your marriage. You are you and even when you become slim, you will still be you, so he should love you for the person you and not the size you are. God Bless, I will be praying for you.

CHUNKEY_MUNKEY
06-19-2008, 10:38 AM
Honey you are so beautiful!! No one, no matter what size, deserves to be disrespected, embarrased or put down. I think you have to sit down think and pray for guidance in reference to your marriage. You are you and even when you become slim, you will still be you, so he should love you for the person you and not the size you are. God Bless, I will be praying for you.


:hugs: thank you i could kiss you ....

Sharon
06-19-2008, 10:53 AM
Hi Chunkey Munkey! I haven't posted in a long time but I have been struggling big time and thought I should start reading posts. I have over 100 to lose and seem to lose 2 pounds and then gain 3 back. I just wanted to let you know that I agree with all the other ladies said. I also wanted you to know that I always felt that if my husband and I were to separate, I would be the one that was blamed. My husband has a good heart and is kind to everyone. They all love him. BUT! Way in the past, the man drove me crazy due to a lot of things that I won't bring up now. That is in the past and he is a good man. But I am the quiet shy one and people wouldn't have been able to understand that he was the one causing major problems way back then. You need to do what you know is right for you and the rest will fall into place the way it is meant to. You are doing great losing weight. Keep it up.

KateB
06-19-2008, 11:04 AM
My husband is what I call "A freak of nature". He can eat what he wants, when he wants, in whatever quanity and not gain an ounce. I was quite slim when we began dating, about 126 pounds. I put on weight while we dated and he didn't say anything about it. It really wasn't until after our son was born that the snarky comments started. Several times I have lost weight and occasionally a large amount 70 or more pounds. He just doesn't understand that it has to be a lifestyle change.

Well this time around I have nearly forced him to watch some of the Discovery Channels programs on Obesity and WLS. He even got interested in The Biggest Loser. For some reason he empathsized with these people, like he had no idea had the same struggles and feelings these strangers on televison did.

Although I am not defending his behavior, your husband is a man, and I honestly don't think men, especially men who have never struggled with weight issues, "get it". I think they really don't realize how much their comments hurt. I also think they think, "Well I eat at Cheesecake Factory and don't have a weight problem, so why can't you?"

I know I have offered no real answer or magic cure. I hope you find a way to make him see how much he is hurting you and how he can infact support you on this journey.

Keep you chin up and od this for you!!

JennyMominRI
06-19-2008, 11:46 AM
Chunky Munkey, I can see by your avatar that you are a beautiful woman..No one deserves to be talked to or treateed that way..That said, maybe hes afraid that if you lose weight you will change and not love him anymore..Maybe his own self esteem is low and he is jealous of your weight loss..Maybe he just doesn't think before he speaks.
My husband lost 70 pounds last year through illness..He's nice and thin now and I admit I was a bit jealous. at times.That's completely wrong of me especially when he lost the weight through nearly dying.. Mybe it's human nature, I don't know.
Keep doing what you are doing

clibrarian
06-19-2008, 12:47 PM
Chunky Munkey, you're a very beautiful woman, regardless of size or weight. I can tell from your picture.

Just know that everyone here supports you; come and look at this post when you're feeling down.

CHUNKEY_MUNKEY
06-19-2008, 06:11 PM
i just cant belive the amount of support i get here from people i dont know , im so happy that ive discovered this website , its really become a support group for me more than you guys know , its nice to know that there are people who understand you thanks all of you guys :hugs i think ive got to print this thread ....

TamTam
06-19-2008, 06:46 PM
:hugs: thank you i could kiss you ....


And we are blessed to have you too!!:hug:

fiberlover
06-19-2008, 07:20 PM
i just cant belive the amount of support i get here from people i dont know , im so happy that ive discovered this website , its really become a support group for me more than you guys know , its nice to know that there are people who understand you thanks all of you guys :hugs i think ive got to print this thread ....

:hug:

You do have tons of supporters behind you here! Don't ever think less of yourself. Whatever your decisions are in this, know that we stand with you.

MaNdA22
06-19-2008, 08:11 PM
Posted in the wrong thread how did that happen??haha

Starrynight
06-19-2008, 08:34 PM
Starrynight you probably more than anyone know ecatcly how hard it is for me ( and yes im desi too :) ) because of our culture and how the men expect the world of us .... they want us to be fair and to be slim ( they even expect you to be slim after you have the baby ! ) they want you to cook , clean , do the laundry , run the errands , do the grocery shopping , do the ironing , and all the other little things in between its almost as if they want a better looking version of there mother ! its soo fustrating and then when you dont adhere to that the first thing is evreyone looks down on the girl , it always boils down to looks with us ......
:

Yes, I know, I hate that about our culture. I feel like the desi guys that are born in America still for the most part, hold the same stigma. I really dislike that. I forgot to quote that part but you also mentioned that when you try to talk to him, he turns it around on you, and that he acts like a nice guy around everyone else.. OK.. wow. That is exactly how my stepdad acts with my mom and I loathe him. She hates him too but she doesn't want to leave him without punishing him somehow for stealing her money and giving her so much stress.. it's like he's using her just to get a greencard. They even tried marriage counseling earlier on but he faked it (like he always does around people) and my mom was brutally honest, and in the end, the counsellor blamed most of it on her! I don't know, you are extremely strong for putting up with it all :hug:

Personally.. I'm dealing with something different, I have a boyfriend who is white, and I denounced my faith as well and my mom found out about my boyfriend and we've been having major drama about it. She wants me to go marry a bengali-american guy so that she can have some family here in America (all of my family on my mom's side is in bangladesh).. but my guy is my best friend and I don't care about faith or "culture" in that sense, I have different interests than the majority of desi girls around here and well in the end it comes down to happiness right? well, my mom claims it is "for" my happiness but all I see is her wanting to keep the "cultural pride" which I don't care for..
I know it is a stereotype that desi men act the way you describe, but that is all I see. I know how hard it can be and how tiring it is. I just suggest you make friends outside the culture, b/c for some reason women are always to blame even though we work the hardest and I just suggest you focus on yourself, don't rely on him if he is going to act that way.
In the end, you can only do it for yourself, not for him, not for your family, but for yourself.