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vmo1
06-16-2008, 04:43 PM
I need some good advice and know I can always find it here. I'm a bridesmaid in a wedding coming up. I live 7 hours away which is making things tricky from the start. The other problem is that I'm pastry chef/wedding cake designer so Saturdays in the summer are pretty crazy for me. In addition I'm the executive chef at a brand new bakery that is opening in the next month or so. The shower is on a Saturday at 11 am. In order for me to make it I'd either have to take 2 days off or leave Saturday at 3 am. Neither is a good option, which is really upsetting here that I won't be there. Also, she decided she wants the rehearsal to take place at 7 pm 2 days before the wedding and the rehearsal dinner to take place the day before the wedding with decorating of the hall and church in between. Then the wedding will be Saturday evening, decorating all day. Did I mention I'm also in charge of the cake?!? I cannot possibly take 3 days off in the middle of wedding season especially with a bakery that has been open all of 2 weeks! She's very upset about this but I can't figure out what to do. I feel like I'm being a horrible bridesmaid but I'm not sure what more I can do. At this point it's really too late to back out. I don't want to risk the friendship but I'm in between a rock and a hard place. I'm also slightly annoyed at all the demands (including the obligatory hideous dress that naturally has to be completely remade since I had to order 3 sizes too big for my bust) and also that she refused to come to my wedding because her then boyfriend had to work and she didn't want to come alone. I didn't have a wedding party, my wedding itself was siblings and parents only, the reception barely more than that. I do want to go the wedding, and I am touched she wanted me to be a part of it however I feel she's being a bit demanding and ignoring my situation. I'd really love some advice!
And just to get it out of my system.... I HATE BRIDESMAID DRESSES!!! I had to order a size 18 and I'm normally a 12 :( I expected a 14, that was my wedding dress but an 18?!? At least it was my chest that made it bigger lol and nothing else. It should be interesting to get it down 3 sizes though....hopefully it'll come soon so I have time to get it altered.


junebug41
06-16-2008, 05:01 PM
To recap:
-You are a pastry chef and cake designer, which = insane summer schedule
-The bride is doing the rehearsal dinner on a different day than the actual rehearsal.
-You hate bridesmaid dresses

Why on earth would you say yes to being a bridesmaid?

I know, I know. You can't say no to such an honor...

That said, how far off is the wedding? Is there time to delicately back out? I think it's a heck of a lot to ask much of anything from a wedding party that lives far away. 2 of my bridesmaids live over 1,000 miles away and all I want them to do is show up a day early for the rehearsal dinner and my bride's party the night before. I'm even paying for one of the girls' dress because it's going to be a huge burden for her to even show up, but she will be there and that's all I ask- just the honor of her standing next to me.

Is she that clueless to not know that you're in the wedding business and therefor have little time during the summer? Also, it's great that you can offer a service that greatly reduces the cost of a wedding, but I always thought it was kind of bad manners to give someone multiple responsibilities like being in the bridal party AND doing the cake.

I think you need to talk to her and just tell her that you are sorry that you can't be more available to her and you are honored to be in the party and you will do what you can given the time frame. In my experience, there is little reasoning with brides who go mad, so I don't think there is a whole lot you can do accept try to appease the situation. However, if the ordering period has not passed for the bridesmaid dresses, you may want to offer to bow out if there is someone she thinks would be more up to the task.

vmo1
06-16-2008, 05:18 PM
Thanks for the advice! To clear a few things up, the dress has already been ordered and paid for. The wedding is in 7ish weeks. I didn't get a say in the dress, no one did. She found one and ordered it then called everyone and said it'll be $X. I paid for them and it's all ready, they just need to know your size so I went to a local store to try it on and figure out the size and dropped when I saw it...3 layers of chiffon complete with the dinnerplate sized fluffy flower on the side, meant to be floor length but she's having it cut to calf length...oh boy...lol

Also, we have talked somewhat. I was supposed to do the cake but could not give her what she wanted. She wanted a box mix cake and canned icing which some people can make taste fantastic. A lot of bakers use a box mix with amazing results. I'm not one of them. She also is having a huge cake and I told her I couldn't afford to pay $600 on the cake and dress for her wedding plus the drive up and time off work. So instead she is ordering a grocery store cake but has put me in charge of picking it up, setting it up and finishing decorating which I'm very nervous about as I don't know their support system but that problems for another day.

I also told her I doubted I could make it to the shower and when she told me about the 3 days I told her I would have to discuss it with my boss, that it was a crazy weekend and I had planned on leaving here Friday after work and getting in very late, getting up, doing wedding stuff and driving back on Sunday. She now wants all the bridesmaids to stay at her house the night before which she is quite adamant about. I told her I'd do the best I could do but she is very upset about it.

I do understand to some degree, it's her wedding day. But at the same time I feel it's a bit unreasonable. I was always under the impression that the rehearsal dinner was after the rehearsal, the day before the wedding...I think she just wanted to extend the day a bit.

By the way, since I didn't have a shower I'm not really sure how it works. Do I get her a shower gift and a wedding gift both?

Thanks again!


OnceUponADrive
06-16-2008, 05:19 PM
I agree with all the reasons junebug posted. And HELLO, if she refused to come to your wedding because she was dateless, I think you have MORE than enough reason not to go to hers because of your business obligations.

junebug41
06-16-2008, 05:31 PM
Honestly, there really isn't a whole lot you can do. You have obligations and she sounds like a bit of a, dare I say... bridezilla. There are certain things that just go along with being in the bridal party. You typically don't get a say in the style of dress, but the bride should be considerate of her party's situation (hence why I'm footing the bill for one of my bridesmaids). And also, it is customary to give both a shower and wedding gift (unfortunately).

It sounds like you are kind of out of options at this point except to just grin and bear it and hope that she snaps out of it in time to enjoy her own wedding. You can only do what you can do and she needs to realize that. She should have been mature enough to realize it before.

Bridezillas. Ugh.

vmo1
06-16-2008, 05:43 PM
Thanks again! I guess I'm trying hard not to feel like an awful friend for missing so much of her wedding but it's nice to have reassurance that I'm not as bad as I feel. The dress itself came as a bit of a shock since we had all agreed on a dress, a very simple sun dress that was totally wearable later on. Thanks for the tip on the gifts too, I wasn't sure since I haven't been through this yet. I'm guessing that if I can't go to the shower I should just select something from her registry and send it to her?
Thanks also for all the candor! I hope it'll all work out for the wedding so I drive up Friday early, still missing the rehearsal but maybe we can figure out a compromise...

bargoo
06-16-2008, 06:05 PM
I think I would tell her that her plans for you, just don't work. she is asking the impossible from you.She is Bridezilla!

Tomato
06-16-2008, 06:33 PM
I think you are too good a friend that is trying to accommodate this unreasonable and unappreciative person. You know, I would be offended if she refused to come to my wedding because "she did not want to come alone (or was it "she did not want to drive alone?") and THEN she expects you to put aside all your work obligations (not to mention that you just started a new job so you don't want to start doing any 'summersaults' that may jump up and bit you in the behind later on) and with no consideration for the distance.
I think I would tell her asap that sorry, I can't commit to your wedding, period.
Don't bend over backwards for her. JMHO

bargoo
06-16-2008, 09:34 PM
What Tomato said .....YES!

4star
06-17-2008, 12:09 PM
Oh I hate when Brides make it all about THEIR day! Um , it's really about having your friend and family there to SHARE in the day you're getting married so it's really about everyone . IMO the guests should be who the wedding is geared toward not an over-demanding bride. They might spend alot of money to make the wedding happen but the guests are paying a ton of money to come support you.

I am sorry you're friend is acting like she should be Queen for a day but you can only do what you can do and if she cares for you, she should understand that. My advice, do the best you can and if she gets upset b/c you can't rearrange your life to be at her beckon call then she needs a reality check. She's getting married, not crowned.

skinnybeach
06-17-2008, 01:44 PM
yes it is HER wedding and she should be "in charge" but if you can't do what she wants she should either accomadate you (if she really wants you there she will) or let you bow out gracefully. I am sure you couldn't possibly have planned all of this would happen at once. But at the same time your boss should be a little forgiving that you have this prior engagement. Just get through it, you'll be okay!

And i'm really sorry for the hideous dress. I tried to pick a dress that will look good on all of my girls. So far it does and its not "bridesmaid-y" at all. Amazing how brides can make it go from bad to worse.
Hope this all gets worked out for you.

vmo1
06-17-2008, 05:17 PM
Thank you all for such great advice! I have decided to not attend the shower. My wonderful husband offered to drive home after he gets out of work (leaving at 8 at night, 7 hour drive) and drive home Sunday so I can go, but I'm afraid doing that will just make me more cranky and resentful about the whole thing, lol. I'm also going to discuss the wedding with my boss as things get closer. At this point we aren't sure of the official date of opening. If we do open the 24th of July as we are hoping then I'll go ahead with the plan of driving up Friday after work and just tell the bride I can't take more time off, and hope she understands. I have a small inkling that hiring staff will take longer than what we have slated and if that happens the opening date could get pushed back. I'm really eager for it to open but honestly it would be much easier if we opened after the wedding! I'm hoping it'll all work out for the best. As for the dress, it is ugly but there's so much fabric in it that I'll take it to a seamstress and have 2 nice dresses made out of it once I get down to my ideal weight! :D:D
I've also found a really cute (I think anyway) shower gift for them. She is very fond of her mother's recipes and often calls her mom for them. I found a sweet book that says family recipes on it and has space for a family photo. It's full of blank recipe cards that you put your favorite family recipes in so they are all in one place. I also have a recipe of mine she likes that I'll add in there. It wasn't on her register but I really loved the idea and thought it was quite appropriate from me. Is it a bad idea to get something not on the register?

Thanks again! You're all absolutely indispensable!

chickybird
06-17-2008, 08:22 PM
I think your gift idea sounds cute. By the way, I told my bridesmaids I did NOT want them to get me a wedding and a shower gift. For God's sake, they are paying for shoes, a dress, taking off work, helping out on the day of the wedding, etc. She should be giving you a gift! I actually hired a makeup and hair artist to come to the wedding and give makeovers to all the bridesmaids as my gift. I wanted them to feel pampered and not rushing around to a hair salon. They all looked beautiful. I also let them pick out their own dresses.
http://www.pbase.com/photographybydanny/image/81923680

Remember, you're also doing most of the work on her store bought cake. I'd consider that gift enough! I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. I tried so hard to not be a bridezilla when I got married. Some brides just don't realize that it is an honor to have your friends stand with you.

vmo1
06-17-2008, 11:12 PM
Chicky-you're wedding was beautiful! I adore the color of the dresses! I agree with you on not being a bridezilla. I kept my wedding beyond simple, I didn't have a wedding party since my MOH backed out on me last minute, but she had been allowed to pick her own dress as long as it was a certain color. It seems like most of the stress the bride is under is self inflicted! I also told everyone coming to not do a gift, we kept it very small (parents/siblings only at the wedding, and only 50 at the reception) and were touched people came, especially the friends/family who flew cross country.
I just hope she doesn't let all the micromanaging she's doing-there's lots more she's doing--doesn't get in the way of her enjoying such a special day.

Operator265
06-17-2008, 11:21 PM
I always considered the registry to be a last resort for those who didn't find anything better. So, I think the recipe book is an excellent choice from a real friend. I also thought that the bridal party was supposed to RECEIVE a gift at the shower, not give one.

vmo1
06-17-2008, 11:38 PM
Really? I thought the bridal party often received a gift at the rehearsal dinner but I was told the bridal party was basically an excuse for the bride to get presents. Often lingerie, etc. Again, since I didn't have one I'm a bit in the dark as to what I should or shouldn't do/give. I'm glad I'm not the only one to prefer shopping off the registry! I realize they need things on the registry but they all seem so impersonal!

Operator265
06-17-2008, 11:54 PM
Heck, I'm not sure anymore. My mom was a southern lady moved to WY. I thought the the bridal party bought their clothes under the Bride's direction, but only had to provide one wedding gift and received a gift from the bride. And that the shower attendees had already provided their gifts at the shower. And most importantly, that whatever was given was enough and no one should go into debt to feed another's ego. Ofcourse, I don't get spending $20-40,000 on any wedding.

Now I see why when I came back after eloping, my mom handed me a check for $2000 and her big fat thank you.

MaNdA22
06-18-2008, 08:44 AM
I wouldn't go. She didn't go to yours for a silly reason. You have actual reasons and a lot on your plate to deal with. Sell the dress on ebay and tell her to make her own cake.