100 lb. Club - My mama....




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Czarria
06-16-2008, 09:04 AM
Friday I made the decision to take her off life support. Days before this it seemed like she might win the battle. Her body responded to the first round of chemo, perfectly. The cancer grew back overnight. The doctor said this is the most aggressive type of cancer he'd ever seen, and it was a really rare type usually only found in children. I consented for a 2nd round of chemo. My mistake. It made her mentally unresponsive. Eyes wide open, would sometimes focus on anything, but no recognition at all. They told me then, it was hopeless. It would be kinder to let her go. She would not come through this. Especially after the chemo (that I consented for a 2nd time). So I had them remove everything, and I sat and held her hand and watched her struggle for oxygen for 3 hours until she died.

No matter which way I look at this, I killed her.

The cancer started it, and I finished it.

How the eff am I supposed to get my head around that?

I bury her tomorrow.

It's done wonders for my weight.
If you're struggling with those pesky numbers, try killing your mom sometime.
I've already lost 5 pounds.

I'm heavily medicated.
But nothing takes away the sound of her struggling for air.
Nothing takes away the feeling of feeling her body turn cold.
Nothing takes away waiting, waiting, knowing I was doing what she wanted,
but knowing any second was her last and she did not, could not, know me.
Nothing takes away the fact that I never got to tell her everything in my heart, when she could understand it. I never got to say goodbye,
and I had to pull the ventilator.


SoulBliss
06-16-2008, 09:10 AM
Oh, honey, you did not "kill her", you set her free from what was killing her. Please try to get some counseling. Do you have a therapist? Does the hospital have a grief counselor or therapist available?

I am so sorry this decision had to be enforced by you and that it hurts you so. Try to remember that it was HER decision and it was the kindest thing possible to speak out and be her voice when she had none. That is TRUE LOVE and compassion.

TwynnB
06-16-2008, 09:14 AM
You did not kill her...you gave her the greatest gift possible... the gift of freedom from pain and a horrible disease, despite the fact that it hurt your heart to do it.

You didn't give her cancer...but you gave her relief from it.

I am so sorry for your loss.


Hun.e.B
06-16-2008, 09:21 AM
I am so so so sorry for your loss. And I'm quite sure that nothing anyone can say right now will take away the pain and grief that you feel. But, you must know that you did not kill your mother. You did the best that you could in an attempt to help her. Without the second round of chemo the cancer would have just grown and killed her for sure, only it would have been a very painful death. What you did was give your mother some dignity and peace. Your mother is still with you, only now you can just show her everything in your heart.

I hope you find peace.

~melissa

ksk571
06-16-2008, 09:22 AM
I agree that you set her free from what was killing her. It was incredibly difficult for you and I'm so sorry that you are going though this. Grief counseling is a great idea to help you work through this very difficult time.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

LondonJulz
06-16-2008, 09:32 AM
I am in complete agreement with the other ladies here. You did not kill your mother, you set her free from what was killing her. You did what she would have wanted you to do. I know it was incredibly difficult to do and you will not be able to grieve it all over night. Seek out some professional help though. Medication is nice, but it's better to speak with someone who is trained with this type of grief. Please don't try to do this on your own. You need to forgive yourself. Your mother is in such a better place. She is able to fully rest and not have a disease eating away at her body. Please try to be at peace.

I am so sorry for your loss.:hug:

pintobean
06-16-2008, 09:33 AM
So sorry for your loss dear. But you DID NOT kill your mom. Please STOP thinking that way. I know no matter what we all say it's not going to make it easy but you saved her from the misery and suffering she would have gone thru. She would not want you to think you killed her cuz you did not. She is in a happy and much peaceful place. You were kind to her by not letting her go through the pain. We know the decision was the hardest thing ever but you did the right thing. Please go for some grief counselling or therapy sessions as they will definitely help you cope through these hard times. We are all here for you :hug:

fiberlover
06-16-2008, 09:34 AM
:hug: :hug: :hug:

I am so sorry for your loss. Do not blame yourself. You made a very difficult decision.

bargoo
06-16-2008, 09:38 AM
I agree with the others, she is free of pain and in a better place. I will add this, there is nothing like losing your mother , no matter how it happens. Please do not blame yourself and I would recommend counseling.

walking2lose
06-16-2008, 09:40 AM
You have been through so much - many people go their entire lives and never have to go through something so difficult. I have had to go through taking someone off life support (not me personally, but my family) twice - for my grandmother (she also cancer) and my 2 year old niece. I was with both when they died, and it was HORRIBLE, so my heart is just breaking for you right now. But like everyone else has said, your mother actually died naturally - she was suffering greatly and prolonging the misery would not have been best for you. No one should ever have to make that decision, but you did the right thing. I pray for you to find peace, and I'm so sorry for your loss.

Shopaholic1204
06-16-2008, 09:43 AM
I'm sorry sweetie :hug: I know what you're going through.

I had to make the same decision 2 years ago..and it is something I can't ever get over. I still blame my family for taking advantage of my weak state of mind, and pushing me into doing that. I wasn't ready to let go, and I hate myself for not being strong enough for her. :cry:

If you ever wanna talk..PM me.

ggmugsy
06-16-2008, 10:10 AM
We did this for my older sister a few days before Christmas in 2005 so I know how you feel.

She was in terrible pain and there was nothing medically anybody could do to save her. The same is true for your mom.

You did the most LOVING thing you could possibly do.

thistoo
06-16-2008, 10:13 AM
I'm sorry for your loss and all the pain you're in. I hope that once you've grieved for awhile that you'll start to see you are not responsible for your mother's death. No one could have saved her, and you did the right thing. Please take care of yourself.

Farseashore
06-16-2008, 10:16 AM
Every decision you made was made out of love.

You have my sincerest sympathies. Take care of yourself.

Heather
06-16-2008, 10:24 AM
Oh! :hug:

I agree that maybe you should seek some counseling. That's such an awful decision to have to make!

And the others are right -- you didn't kill her! :hug:

PinkyPie
06-16-2008, 11:08 AM
:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

I know it feels like it, but you really did NOT kill your mother. You did NOT.

I am so, so sorry for your loss :hug:

Darkblue
06-16-2008, 11:49 AM
:( I am so sorry for your loss, your struggle, and your grief. Even knowing it was the right thing to do, and what she wanted, the pain must be overwhelming.

blueyedlvrgirl
06-16-2008, 11:56 AM
You were gave your mom the most selfless gift a person can give...You took all of her pain and suffering upon yourself. You were courageous enough to suffer for her, that is real love. People say all the time, I would do this for you, if I could. You could and you did, you stopped her pain, which caused a much stronger pain for yourself. You did what she wanted and you did it at a cost to yourself. No matter how hard it gets, take comfort in the fact that you gave her the best gift of all...your love!

I will keep you in my prayers...May God bestow His peace upon you, that you may know His quiet and everlating love.

Diva
06-16-2008, 12:02 PM
I am so so so sorry for your loss. And I'm quite sure that nothing anyone can say right now will take away the pain and grief that you feel. But, you must know that you did not kill your mother. You did the best that you could in an attempt to help her. Without the second round of chemo the cancer would have just grown and killed her for sure, only it would have been a very painful death. What you did was give your mother some dignity and peace. Your mother is still with you, only now you can just show her everything in your heart.

I hope you find peace.

~melissa

I agree with what Melissa and everyone else here have said. You DID not kill your Mom. you made the best decision you could have with the information the medical peoples gave you. You Mom is in a better place and is no longer suffering and thats great! She is now your guardian Angel and will watch over you for the rest of your life. She knows you loved her and she also knows you did what you thought best and followed her wishes.

I am so sorry you are going through this.:hug:

I agree with the others, she is free of pain and in a better place. I will add this, there is nothing like losing your mother , no matter how it happens. Please do not blame yourself and I would recommend counseling.

I also agree that this was/is very hard for you and I think Grief Counseling will help you al ot. Good luck.

Shy Moment
06-16-2008, 12:05 PM
I know exactly what you are going through. I sent you a personal message. I hope it helps you through the tough times you are going through.

famograham
06-16-2008, 12:08 PM
:cry: I am SO sorry for your loss :hug:
There are no words that I can give you to make you feel better, only time can heal this pain.

You gave your Mom the greatest, most selfless gift that you could ever give her.
The monster that is cancer killed your Mama...NOT YOU. You gave her freedom from pain, freedom from the monster, and she will be with you forever. I absolutely believe that she is thanking you right now. Close your eyes and feel your Mamas' arms around you...she's there...

:hug:
Linda

GlitteringPink
06-16-2008, 12:16 PM
I just read your post and the tears are streaming down my face. I am so sorry you are going through this. I know words may not break through your grief right now but you did not kill her, you tried everything you could for her then released her from all the pain. You did it with the love only a daughter can have for her mom.

Thinking of you at this time
xxx

happy2bme
06-16-2008, 12:30 PM
Czarria, please do not feel that way. The decisions you made were made with love in the hopes of her best interests. You were there until the end, holding her hand and somehow, I think she knows that in spirit even as she left the physical body.

We all have our time on this earth - nothing you could have done would have changed things in the end. Come to peace with yourself and focus instead on the things she meant to you. I'm sure she would have wanted it that way.

Thoughts and prayers to you :hug:

Just Deb
06-16-2008, 12:32 PM
You let her go to a peaceful place - now you have to make your own journey to find peace for yourself.

Your decisions did not kill your mother. You helped her fight the cancer and then let her go when the fight was too much for her. Please find someone who can help you through your grief. There are somethings that we are not meant to do by ourselves.

Hopefulpinkangel
06-16-2008, 12:35 PM
:hug: I am so sorry for your loss. I agree with everyone else . . . you freed her from the cancer, you can't blame yourself!

Leenie
06-16-2008, 12:41 PM
I'm so sorry sweetie :hug:

You helped your mother, you did not kill her (cancer did). I remember watching my Dad die slowly, taking his last breath (lung cancer). If I could have helped him end the suffering sooner I would have. Cancer is evil. I have no doubt your Mother is so proud of you and happy that you helped her because where she is now, there is no more suffering, no more pain, no more tears.

Your a good Daughter :hug: don't ever forget that.

Leenie

KLK
06-16-2008, 12:45 PM
:hug: I'm deeply sorry to hear about your loss. But you did not kill her... you made the best decisions based on what you were able to do, and you did everything with love for your mother. You did NOT kill her. :hug:

Steelslady
06-16-2008, 01:08 PM
I can tell you this from experience- I know where you're coming from, and believe me, don't do this to yourself! My Mom filled out a DNR form when she first went into the hospital before she died. It was painful, but my sister and I followed her wishes, to the horror of my brother, who felt holding onto her was going to provide a miracle that just wasn't going to happen. She had cancer, it was spread all throughout her body and her lungs were filled up with fluid. Absolutely no chance of surviving, and any attempts to keep her alive would have just prolonged the painful, but inevitable death she went through.

Ask yourself this- if you hadn't tried that second round of chemotherapy, would she have been around this long? If you hadn't let her go so she was no longer in pain or suffering, would it comfort you more to see her in that same condition right now? Would she have a better quality of life at this moment if you didn't do either?

Honey, you didn't kill her, and if she could tell you herself right now- she is better off in a better place without any suffering or pain and would thank you for being a great, loving, caring, and nurturing daughter! Many times when we feel helpless, we blame ourselves for not being able to save our loved ones, even though the medical doctors and nurses couldn't do it, either. Please don't beat yourself up over something you had absolutely no control over. One way or the other, she was going to die, and no matter which decision you made, the end result would have been the same.

If you need to talk, PM me. I feel your pain and know what it's like. Just remember, you did what you did out of love and caring, and it's not an easy decision to let loved ones go when we're not ready to part with them.

:hug: to you, and my condolences on the loss of your mother. She's in a much better place now, no longer suffering the wrath of an awful disease that takes far too many loved ones away from us. :(

LisaF
06-16-2008, 01:44 PM
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your mom, and about the decision you were forced to make. My thoughts are with you.

Lisa

crazycurls
06-16-2008, 02:45 PM
I'm so sorry for your loss! Don't blame yourself, you did the right thing! You saved your Mama from pain and suffering! My thoughts and prayers are with you!

PetiteHourglass
06-16-2008, 02:50 PM
I know this won't make an impact immediately, but you really did give her the greatest gift. A gift this world lacks so often.

You gave her compassion.

If I were next to you I would hold you and let you cry (Snot my shirt up and all) and then let you start hit something till you couldn't any more. Reason? Because you need to know that you did the right thing and that even strange stranger like myself see the good you did and would let you snot on us!

:hug:

I wish you peace of heart and mind. I am so sorry you had to make this decision. Be damn anyone else who blames you for this.


Friday I made the decision to take her off life support. Days before this it seemed like she might win the battle. Her body responded to the first round of chemo, perfectly. The cancer grew back overnight. The doctor said this is the most aggressive type of cancer he'd ever seen, and it was a really rare type usually only found in children. I consented for a 2nd round of chemo. My mistake. It made her mentally unresponsive. Eyes wide open, would sometimes focus on anything, but no recognition at all. They told me then, it was hopeless. It would be kinder to let her go. She would not come through this. Especially after the chemo (that I consented for a 2nd time). So I had them remove everything, and I sat and held her hand and watched her struggle for oxygen for 3 hours until she died.

No matter which way I look at this, I killed her.

The cancer started it, and I finished it.

How the eff am I supposed to get my head around that?

I bury her tomorrow.

It's done wonders for my weight.
If you're struggling with those pesky numbers, try killing your mom sometime.
I've already lost 5 pounds.

I'm heavily medicated.
But nothing takes away the sound of her struggling for air.
Nothing takes away the feeling of feeling her body turn cold.
Nothing takes away waiting, waiting, knowing I was doing what she wanted,
but knowing any second was her last and she did not, could not, know me.
Nothing takes away the fact that I never got to tell her everything in my heart, when she could understand it. I never got to say goodbye,
and I had to pull the ventilator.

Mommie27
06-16-2008, 03:57 PM
I'm going to tell you a different story: My grandfather was in a bad state, cancer and anemia. Got to the point where we knew he wasn't going to make it...he didn't recognize ANYBODY, barely knew who he was himself. Finally the decision had to be made whether or not to take him off of life support and stop the blood transfusions..WELL my mom (who is not the strongest person when it comes to confrontation) was outvoted by her other 3 siblings, and they kept him ON life support because they didn't want to "KILL" him. I want you to know the terror and anguish that he went through and his family had to watch him go through. but I can't even begin to describe the final days and hours of his existance, how excruciating it was for everyone including him. It's been 12 years, and to this day my aunt and uncles apologize to my mom for not letting her do what was right and would have been the best thing FOR HIM...I told you that story to hopefully help you realize that you did what was best for HER. I agree with the others, grief counseling is really important even if you didn't go through what you did, just losing a parent is enough and the most heartbreaking thing ever. Even with help, You won't get over this in a day or a week or even a month. Finding a good support group can be a big help too, it's important that you know you are not the ONLY person out there that feels the way you do. I HATE CANCER!!!!!!!!!!:mad:

MugCanDoIt
06-16-2008, 04:10 PM
Honey, I am so so sorry you are going through this. Please dont feel like you did anything wrong. I dont know what else to say to you, I will pray for you and for your mamas soul. Bless your heart. Pray to the Lord, he will help you get through this honey. You did not do anything wrong. Just put your faith in Jesus and let him take all the hurt from you.

graciegoose13
06-16-2008, 05:48 PM
much love and many prayers headed your way.

Beverlyjoy
06-16-2008, 05:51 PM
:hug: Please don't believe that you killed your mother. She passed on- of her own accord. The machines were keeping her going. If she was meant to carry on after the machines were switched off - then she would have.

Please speak with the social worker at the hospital or find someone to help you get thru this. It's too much to put on yourself.

theycallmemom
06-16-2008, 06:15 PM
I hear what your saying - my Mom battled lung disease and lost a long to cancer, she lived with me the last 7 years of her life, and the last 6 months of that was brutal - the cancer had returned and according to to her doc spread to her brain - but thhis was never confirmed by tests, he just didnt see the point in testing cause she was so going downhill. Anyway, the last week of her life she was pretty much out of it, could not eat, drink, non responsive etc. and I called in hospice, but the night before she died I was frantic, saying had I taken her to the hospital, put her on life support yadda yadda yadda - she would have had more days....its been almnost 6 years now - and time has healed most of my wounds. there are days I still tear up, but for the most part its ok...I think when we hold someones life in out hands, sometimes the responsibility is so overwhelming that no matter what happens we hold ourselves soley responsible for the outcome...I remember a grief counselor telling me to not be so hard on myself, and I could not imagine being any other way, I felt like I kiiled her, and Im saying that to you now...you did what was right for your Mom, know that you did the best you could, and made the best decisions you could make all through this journey. Dont let anyone make you feel bad, or think different. And know that in time you too will heal:hug:

shelby897
06-16-2008, 08:53 PM
Sweetheart -- :hug::hug::hug: -- you did not kill your mother -- she was already gone, her body was just hanging on. My friend's mom went to Hospice last month for cancer and passed away at home -- your mom would have done the same on her own. The machines kept her body alive, but her spirit was already gone :(. You gave her a gift -- you did what you knew she would have wanted to do, had she been able. You were totally selfless -- putting her needs ahead of your own -- you should not feel guilt over such an act of love......:hug::hug:

ZedAus
06-16-2008, 09:45 PM
My heart goes out to you, as you try to find some peace at this time when everything around you seems so dark.

Just over a year ago my father had a stroke and we were given the option of keeping him alive by mechanical means. This was my DAD we were talking about. He would NEVER have wanted to live in the state this would have left him. He would have been 'alive', but not 'living', in my view. Thankfully, I had my 4 siblings with me and our spouses, as well as my mother. Still, it was MY probing and talking with the medical staff that pushed the final decision to remove the oxygen, feeding and liquid tubes and to just let him go peacefully. I beat myself up over that for a little while, until I realised two things. One... Dad would have thanked me for the decision I made. And two... the doctors would NOT have let us make this decision if it wasn't the best thing to do. They were not allowed to TELL us to do it, but they certainly made enough hints that it was the best thing to do. We all got to spend time with Dad before he passed away and my husband and I spend the last night in his hospital room, so I could hold him if he woke up and talk to him. I knew that he was aware I was there and I knew that he drew strength from that. I know that your mother could have wished for nothing more than to have you with her when she passed away.

I know that at the moment none of this is probably sinking in, but I hope you take the time to at least read these posts and see that there is truth in what we are saying and you most definitely did nothing wrong.

I made the mistake of trying to push myself through my grief at the time, and a few months later had a breakdown. I received counselling and that helped a lot, but I wish I had been wise enough to receive that help earlier. Please consider seeing someone to talk about your feelings. You need to look after yourself. You sound like someone who is used to looking after others, now take that same attention and apply some of it to yourself.

Take care,

Zelma

beautifulone
06-16-2008, 11:31 PM
:hug: I am sending you many healing and loving thoughts at what is such a hard time right now.. I am so very sorry for your loss. I know that you feel guilty and responsible for your mother's death.. but you DID NOT kill your mom. Instead, you made a very difficult but compassionate and loving decision to spare your mom immense pain and suffering. You acted in a LOVING and COMPASSIONATE way. No one wants to suffer and be in pain, and you had the inner strength during such a difficult time to make the decision that would relieve your mom of the pain. I am so sorry for your loss and for what you are going through. Are you able to seek support such as bereavement counseling? Please take care of yourself :hug:

djay
06-17-2008, 12:05 AM
To keep her alive artificially and watch her suffer so that you don't have to decide this would have been selfish. "If you choose not to decide you still have made a choice". You made the right choice for your mother, regardless of the loss to yourself. That is strength!
I am new here and I do not know you, but your post touched me deeply! I will keep you in my prayers. Best wishes to you an your family.

Ookpik
06-17-2008, 12:12 AM
My thoughts and prayers go out to you at this time. I agree with the others, you did not kill her - cancer did. You released her from the pain. Take care.

Pandora123a
06-17-2008, 05:46 AM
Czarria,

I'd like to respond to something else in your message. I echo all the thoughts about your actions, but I was particularly struck by your comment at the end.

"Nothing takes away the fact that I never got to tell her everything in my heart, when she could understand it."

One of the things I have learned is that what we do communicates more than what we say...and years are more important than minutes. I'm sure that there are many things you wanted to say to your mom as a goodbye. I'm also guessing that many of them were communicated over time. Do you doubt that your mother knew you loved her? I suspect that she knew it well, and if you can think back you may remember special moments when you let her know she was loved, and when she let you know how much she loved you.

Those are the moments to remember.

I used to work in a hospital with sick children. Parents had to make the same decision you made. One of the doctors put it very well. No one decides whether someone lives or dies, that is something that only God decides. Humans can only decide whether to continue or discontinue treatment. The same doctor talked about thinking about whether we were saving a life, or prolonging a death, very different propositions.

I know you loved your mother. Your mother knew it as well. Get some counseling. Over time (sooner than you think) you will find your mother is still with you in the gifts of love she gave you. You will hear her voice as you make choices, or find yourself in a situation she would have laughed at.

May her memory be a blessing to you.

Czarria
06-20-2008, 10:51 AM
Wow.
I am speechless.
Thank you for all your beautiful messages. I read them. I re-read them. I committed them to memory. When I felt the doubt and the guilt creeping back, I read them again. I know I didn't kill her. I let her go. I know she's still there.
I know this is the natural grieving process. I know I'm not crazy. I know i'm supposed to feel like this, but I also know that my mother was a fighter. She survived things in her life that would have paralyzed me. And I know I am strong, just as strong as she is. And I will get through this.

All of your responses, and private messages and support mean more to me than I can possibly explain. If I had time to respond to each and every one of them, I would. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

SoulBliss
06-20-2008, 06:55 PM
I am so happy that our messages reached you and provided you with a bit of comfort. You ARE getting through this and we are all still here when you need us. :grouphug:

chick_in_the_hat
06-20-2008, 09:49 PM
:hug: Czarria...just wanted to send some peaceful vibes your way.

Smiling_Sara
06-21-2008, 09:02 AM
I just want to send you :hug::hug: and hope you know you did the right thing. You mom is in a better place, and she is free from any pain. I'm so sorry for your loss and the difficult choice you had to make to take her off life support. :(

Lyn2007
06-21-2008, 10:19 AM
I didn't see this until now. Hon I am SO sorry for what you had to go through. I, too, held my mother as she died of cancer, and nothing ever made such an impact on my soul as that. Even when we don't have the greatest relationships with our mothers, they are still our MOMS. And I just want you to know that even though it seems like it will hurt forever, it will get better over time. As ttime goes by, you will have more peace with it, and be able to let it go.

You did a wonderful thing for your mom by being there for her during her last struggles on earth. She knew you were there, even when she couldn't tell you, I am sure she knew and she was able to leave this world at peace knowing her daughter was there holding her and loving her. She wasn't alone and that is what is so important.

Sending big hugs. Be kind to yourself.

PaulaM
06-21-2008, 06:00 PM
You gave her the greatest gift anyone could give, you released her from her earthly pain and suffering. I know she is up in heaven smiling down on you, saying thank you my wonderful daughter.

Hugs to you, it will be ok, it will just take time

math puppy
06-21-2008, 11:19 PM
i dont think i can say anything that hasnt been said. have good friends and family close to you in these hard times. my prayers are with you. its not your fault, you where her voice when she had none.